sibling not invited to birthday party at neighbors?

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lovelymomma's picture
Joined: 11/04/05
Posts: 88
sibling not invited to birthday party at neighbors?

soooo this is a personal debate but im torn on the subject

scenario: I have a 7yo son & 5yo son, neighbor kids are 7, 5 and 3. I take their 7yo to and from school everyday to make their lives easier since im going there anyway. my 7yo was invited to the 7yo birthday sleep over party but my 5yo was NOT invited and it was made perfectly clear to me that she didnt want him there, when I asked her why not she said "he just isnt invited" the problem I have is the kids talk, I dont think its fair that the three boys play together all the time, its good enough for them to play together but he isnt invited to their birthday party? Literally a flight of stairs away? The kid likes Ethan just as well as he likes Elliott. She said "oh well, we could sing the birthday song together the next day if you really want to"...

It came up again today that DS1 was RSVP'd for coming and I replied that I needed to talk to DH that while its unfair that DS1 has to miss out on a party I also think its unfair that DS2 has to knowingly miss out on the party and then hear about it Monday morning on the carride to school..

question is: do you let DS1 go to the party and DS2 miss out or make neither of them go? the mom is adamant that she doesnt want DS2 there. All their children were invited to my DS1/2 birthday parties if it matters and my kids have been invited to their 5yo and 3yo birthday parties in the past too. DH thinks maybe we can take and do something special with DS2... maybe its just one of those "life isnt fair" gigs but i wouldnt ask her kids not to come and spend the night if rolls were reversed, especially considering were in the same building and they play together, they are always included, exc. and it isnt like DS2 is a handful, hes the most laid back of the three.

wlillie's picture
Joined: 09/17/07
Posts: 1796

Maybe she's worried the other 7 year olds will tease not only her child for having a younger boy at his party, but also the 5 year old. I'd let the 7 year old go; your younger ds will be invited to parties that his brothers aren't invited to too. I think I'd feel differently if it wasn't a sleepover. Sleepovers are more work especially at the age where they have tons of energy.

Have you asked her if she needed help; maybe she'll let him go if you are there to make sure they all play well

Joined: 12/10/05
Posts: 1681

I wouldn't have a problem with it at all. I would assume it is a "big kid" thing and the birthday boys sibs won't be very involved either (meaning sleeping in the same room as the big kids).

I've run into this numerous times as my oldest are only 14 months apart (a boy and a girl). Sometimes there are boy only parties and dd doesn't get to go, and visa versa... Se la vie :shrug:

Spacers's picture
Joined: 12/29/03
Posts: 4100

I have to say, if I was having a sleepover with a bunch of 7-year-olds (yikes!) along with my own two younger kids, I wouldn't want an extra younger kid around. Some 5yos still need pullups at night, some still wake up & need comforting, some might get scared being in a "strange" place at night & need to go home. Yeah, I wouldn't want to deal with that.

This is going to be a good lesson for your 5yo that he doesn't always get to do the same things as his big brother. I'd probably tell him he can spend the night somewhere when he turns 7 so I don't have to deal with that question for the next two years. Wink Or if you're OK with a sleepover, then how about inviting their 5yo over to spend the night with you? That would probably make the mom very happy!

AlyssaEimers's picture
Joined: 08/22/06
Posts: 6561

We have also dealt with birthday parties where one child is invited and the other is not. Thankfully they seem to understand their will be other parties that they are invited to but their sisters are not. It does always make me feel a little sad for the sister that is left out.

Rivergallery's picture
Joined: 05/23/03
Posts: 1301

1- It is a bit rude IMO, we always invite whole families to birthday parties.
2- we have never done a sleepover at a friends house, maybe at 10 or older I will reconsider. Never been invited so far to a friends house without momma coming to. We have slept over at my bff's together with her kiddos there too. I think 7 is too young to be sleeping over at a friends.. Just my opinion.
Good Luck!

Joined: 01/06/03
Posts: 1175

It wouldn't be an issue to me either. Nor do I see it as rude.

My neighbour's kids and my kids play together all the time... they are 10 (dd), 7 (her dd), 6 (ds), and 4.5 (her ds). Sometimes they all get invited over for each other's birthday... sometimes none get invited... and sometimes only the same age or same sex child gets invited. All depends on what kind of party/celebration it is. I certainly never expect that just because one child is invited, the other must/should be included as well.

If your neighbour's 7 y.o. is having a sleepover, I'm assuming it is also including some other friends of his around the same age? I guess to me it just makes sense that a younger sibling wouldn't be necessarily included :dontknow:

Joined: 11/28/06
Posts: 848

I agree with what everyone else has said. I would probably ask if my 5 y.o. could come for cake/presents but not stay for the sleepover. If she said "no" I'd try not to be offended (though I know it is hard when you see your little one upset).

Joined: 05/31/06
Posts: 4780

Honestly the only rude action in the scenario is you insisting that your child be invited to someone else's party. Though I'm sure it is hard to explain to a kid, it is a lesson that has to be learned at some point in life. I wouldn't let my 5 year old attend an older kids sleepover.

I love Stacey's idea of inviting their 5 year old over to sleep over, that sounds like a win win for everyone and a very gracious thing to do.

elleon17's picture
Joined: 01/26/09
Posts: 1981

"Potter75" wrote:

Honestly the only rude action in the scenario is you insisting that your child be invited to someone else's party. Though I'm sure it is hard to explain to a kid, it is a lesson that has to be learned at some point in life. I wouldn't let my 5 year old attend an older kids sleepover.

I love Stacey's idea of inviting their 5 year old over to sleep over, that sounds like a win win for everyone and a very gracious thing to do.

I agree and think the idea of having their 5 yr old over is awesome! Even if it isn't a sleep over, but a late playdate until bed time.

I think kids need to learn that they can't and won't be invited to everything as they grow up and that is ok.

Minx_Kristi's picture
Joined: 01/02/09
Posts: 1261

Yea, I'd agree to let him go.

My nephews who are 10 and 6 play together, like if they have friends over they all get involved. That being said, my sister wouldn't expect her 10yr olds friend to invite the 6 yr old to his sleepover if the 10 yr old was going. I don't know, it's probably just due to the age gap.

xx

carg0612's picture
Joined: 09/23/09
Posts: 1554

I agree with Potter75. We have 5 kids and the oldest is a girl. We have had situations like this frequently. It's important to realize that kids can be friends because they are neighbors but that doesn't always mean they are compatible for every event.

In fact the one neighbor's 6 year old girl had a b-day party and didn't invite any of us. I was totally fine with it. We don't have any girls that age so it just wouldn't have made a lot of sense to have our boys there at a girlie party. And my 10 yr old DD wouldn't have wanted to go to a 6 year old's party either. We still walked over and dropped off a cute gift with a big smile and a hearty "happy birthday" shout - because we are friends and neighbors. We love them dearly but respect that we don't ALWAYS NEED to include all members of our families in everything.

boilermaker's picture
Joined: 08/21/02
Posts: 1984

Yep-- I agree w the others. We have two older girls close in age and I try hard to make sure that they each have their own friends and their own parties.

I get that they sometimes play with the neighbors together and they sometimes have mutual friends, but I would completely understand if only one were invited to a sleepover (has happened a number of times, actually.) I, also, wouldn't want my 5 yo at a sleepover.

RebeccaA'07's picture
Joined: 11/19/07
Posts: 1628

"Potter75" wrote:

Honestly the only rude action in the scenario is you insisting that your child be invited to someone else's party. Though I'm sure it is hard to explain to a kid, it is a lesson that has to be learned at some point in life. I wouldn't let my 5 year old attend an older kids sleepover.

I love Stacey's idea of inviting their 5 year old over to sleep over, that sounds like a win win for everyone and a very gracious thing to do.

Agreed. She doesn't have to invite your children at all, so I would accept the invitation for the older sibling and let it be. I certainly would harass her into inviting my other children!

pookieandme's picture
Joined: 10/09/09
Posts: 8

"Potter75" wrote:

Honestly the only rude action in the scenario is you insisting that your child be invited to someone else's party. Though I'm sure it is hard to explain to a kid, it is a lesson that has to be learned at some point in life. I wouldn't let my 5 year old attend an older kids sleepover.

I love Stacey's idea of inviting their 5 year old over to sleep over, that sounds like a win win for everyone and a very gracious thing to do.

I agree.

Alissa_Sal's picture
Joined: 06/29/06
Posts: 6427

I agree with the PPs. As an older sibling myself, I would have been beyond irritated if my little brother and his friends HAD to be included in all of my parties, even though we often all played together at other times. I'll bet that the mom is just trying to let the 7 year old have a "big kids" party with his "big kids" friends. It's not a slap in the face to your LO, and I think it is also important that your children learn that even though they are close and close in age, they are going to be invited to different events and have different friends throughout their life. It's not even a "life isn't fair" scenario in my mind - because I'm sure that your littlest will also be invited to things that your oldest isn't invited to. That's just the nature of having multiple kids, and it's not a negative thing.

I also like Stacey's idea of having the neighbor's 5 year old over for a sleepover or play date with your 5 year old. That's a win win for everyone involved, IMO.

culturedmom's picture
Joined: 09/30/06
Posts: 1131

Yep I agree with melis, Alissa, and the rest of the ladies. Honestly, I would be adamant about not having a 5 yo at a sleepover as well. I love my nephews, and Ethan is the sweetest little boy ever. However, if Daniel was having a sleepover with his friends and Elli, I would not even consider inviting Ethan. Not because of personal reasons but because IMO a 5 yo is not an appropriate guest to a 7 yo sleepover. Now, since we are family I would of course invite everyone to the beginning part with the cake and all, but I wouldn't expect non-family to do the same.

There are alot of things that Lilly gets to do, that Daniel wants to put can't. It's not the same as your situation because my kids being of different genders, it creates a natural seperation. But we often have to deal with the fact that one of the kids just has to realize that being younger, they won't get to do somethings with their siblings. I think having all boys it's easier to just have them do things as a group all the time. But I think it's OK that Elli gets to do things that Ethan can't, even if they share the same friends.

I like my brother's idea of doing somethign special with Ethan instead.

BTW, does Ethan play with the 7 yo or the 5 yo? I just ask because if he plays with the 5 yo, then why would he be invited since it is the 7 yo's party?

lovelymomma's picture
Joined: 11/04/05
Posts: 88

all the boys play together, all the time. Multiple times a week, pool time, park time, exc. The other mom has a 3yo, 5yo and 7yo boys and mine are as you know 5yo, 7yo and Ev the baby. Ive pretty much let it go but it struck me as kinda rude at first when its perfectly acceptable for the kids to play together, spend birthdays together (they come to ours, we go to theirs) but now all of a sudden Eth isnt included. the 7yo, elliott and ethan usually are the ones to group together, they all go to school together.. their 5yo goes to another school.

were going to allow ds1 to go and keep ds2 home and i recognize its about their 7yo.. i just dont think i would ask the same of them if the rolls were reversed and i totally see where it would be different if they were boy/girl maybe im just being an overprotective brat lol.

culturedmom's picture
Joined: 09/30/06
Posts: 1131

I don't think you are being a brat.But I think you are taking it personal when maybe it isn't. Most people don;t think it is appropriate for a 5 yo to sleepover t a birthday party, let alone a party of a group of 7 yos. I don't. And apparently a lot of the women here don't either. Now if it was a party like at ChuckECheese or a pool party, I can see being a little peeved (still not upset) and wonder why he wasn't invited. But not a sleepover.

Do you think that maybe the 7 yo doesn't really like having to play with Ethan all the time? I know when Daniel and Elli play together, sometimes they don't want Ethan to join in because they are doing something that Ethan can't do. Is it possible that maybe the 7 yo asked specifically not to have the younger kids around?

lovelymomma's picture
Joined: 11/04/05
Posts: 88

yes, it could be.. and she doesnt owe me an explination but if that were the case i wouldve piped up and said "Elliott doesnt want him there, its his birthday" lol... im notorious for being a bit outspoken though

wlillie's picture
Joined: 09/17/07
Posts: 1796

I thought she ended up inviting the 5 year old to the cake/present portion, but not the sleepover?

Alissa_Sal's picture
Joined: 06/29/06
Posts: 6427

"lovelymomma" wrote:

yes, it could be.. and she doesnt owe me an explination but if that were the case i wouldve piped up and said "Elliott doesnt want him there, its his birthday" lol... im notorious for being a bit outspoken though

I would feel uncomfortable saying straight up "My son doesn't want your son there" because that makes it so personal. I think it's kind of implied that her son probably only wants his peers (other 7 year olds) there because that's who they chose to invite.

Now, if after the party my 7 year old came home and said that there were lots of other (non family) 5 year olds at the party, I admit I might feel a little put off that they invited my 7 yo but not my 5yo. But right now I am operating on the assumption that her son just wants his 7 year old friends, or that they only have enough space/money/resources to invite the 7 year old friends, and not that it's a personal thing where they just don't want YOUR 5 year old. KWIM?

Starryblue702's picture
Joined: 04/06/11
Posts: 5454

I would be just as upset as you are, but I would still let your eldest go and like you said, just take your 5 year old somewhere fun and do something with him that night. This happens a lot with my mom, as my youngest brother is 10 and my eldest son is 9, so they're very close and my brother is always wanting my son to stay the night. Needless to say my six year old gets super upset about this because he wants to stay and play, too (and it pisses DH off) but it's hard explaining that they're bigger boys and want to play just the two of them (although I get it).