Teen Friend Drama (a personal debate)

30 posts / 0 new
Last post
fuchsiasky's picture
Joined: 11/16/07
Posts: 955
Teen Friend Drama (a personal debate)

Ladies,
I could really use some opinions from other moms today.

Here is the story: DSD has a BFF. This girl treats her alternately like gold and dirt. She pumps DSD up with all of the ?I love you!? ?You?re my best friend? ?You are the only person who I have who really loves me? stuff. And then tells tales about all sorts of other stuff: ?My mom wants to deport me (they are immigrants with citizenship)? ?I am going to kill myself by never eating again? ?I had a heart transplant last week, but they sent me home already, and there is no scar, but I have amnesia and have forgotten you (but only DSD).? ?I collapsed and almost died (but when her dad is contacted she is fine)?. It is a whole mess. And DSD is taking it hard. She is depressed, not doing her school work, not sleeping. She is falling apart but is completely unwilling to say goodbye to this ?friend? as she has been convinced that if she does her friend will die. So she tries to get us to support her in supporting her friend, but we are done with this! The heart transplant tale was the last straw of many last straws. So we have told her she is no longer allowed to talk to this girl. Which she has ignored. They are on facebook chatting openly (and the friend is still talking sh1t to DSD!)

So here are my questions:
1. If your teen had a friend like that what would you do?
2. Do you think it is ok for a parent to say that their teen cannot hand out with a certain person?
3. If the teen refused would you force it? (We can take away facebook by changing her password and confiscate her phone.)
4. Or would you let them make their decision and live with the consequences (failed courses, broken heart)?

I am quite stumped. I want to force it. I want to make this girl go away so that she stops hurting DSD. But I don?t know if we should. What do you all think?

Joined: 12/10/05
Posts: 1681

1. These sort of situation make me happy my kids are still little...

2. Honestly, I don't think not allowing them to talk/hang out will work. I suspect that it will make them even more determined to be around that person.

3. Taking away phones and facebook might just drive a wedge between you and you her. Plus, I assume they would be seeing each other at school anyways...

4. I guess I would have a good talk with her about the friends lies (it is horrible that she tells her she is dying!) and how it looks like she is being manipulated be her "friend". I would talk about what a true friend looks like. Hopefully, your DSD comes to the right conclusion herself!

Good luck!

fuchsiasky's picture
Joined: 11/16/07
Posts: 955

"kris_w" wrote:

4. I guess I would have a good talk with her about the friends lies (it is horrible that she tells her she is dying!) and how it looks like she is being manipulated be her "friend". I would talk about what a true friend looks like. Hopefully, your DSD comes to the right conclusion herself!

Good luck!

We have talked about this at length and DSD just doesn't get it. She hears "I am dying" and believes her wholeheartedly every time. Then she finds out it wasn't true. But she is so scared that the time she says no will be the time her friend dies that she won't back away. So she is just getting more and more twisted up and worried. We are really concerned that she might not pass one of her classes this term and she has never done that! We are seeing all the red flags for a bad situation and DSD will not listen to us. But when she gets hurt again she comes to us wanting us to fix it for her. We tell her to walk away, but she says "but I can't!" Hence the "then we can make you do it" statement. DSD is just refusing to see that this friend is at the root of many of her stresses right now. She is in complete denial.

fuchsiasky's picture
Joined: 11/16/07
Posts: 955

I did have a friend like that when I was 15. It almost lead to me getting seriously hurt (beaten up type hurt) so my mom put a stop to it. She pulled parent rank and told me I wasn't allowed to see the girl anymore. It really sucked at the time but in hindsight she was completely right to do it.

ClairesMommy's picture
Joined: 08/15/06
Posts: 2299

Wow. The friend is obviously craving attention and it sounds to me like there could be some valid reasons why she's going to such lengths with her stories to gain sympathy/attention/friendship from not just your DSD but probably anyone who will listen.

At 15, DSD likely has the tools to separate what's probably true from what is clearly not, and I think trying to separate the two girls could backfire on you. I think it would be a good start to sit down with her and have a very honest and open discussion about BFF and her stories. If the drama gets too much for DSD she may make the decision on her own to get free of the relationship, which would be the best outcome for her (and ultimately you as well). It is sad that the BFF has some insatiable need to spin this huge web of lies.

fuchsiasky's picture
Joined: 11/16/07
Posts: 955

It is very sad. I think this girl needs serious help! She has some real issues. But DSD is not mature enough to be the one who helps her solve them! I wish that this girl would get some help. She even sees the school counsellors, but claims that she doesn't tell them the truth.

fuchsiasky's picture
Joined: 11/16/07
Posts: 955

Aren't we all glad that we never have to be a 15 year old girl again?

ClairesMommy's picture
Joined: 08/15/06
Posts: 2299

"fuchsiasky" wrote:

Aren't we all glad that we never have to be a 15 year old girl again?

Our mothers are all probably quite happy about that, too. Wink

Joined: 12/10/05
Posts: 1681

If talking to your DSD hasn't made any difference, what about talk to the friends parents?? Are they aware of the lies she is telling? It really sounds like something is going on with her and she needs some help... Do your think your daughter might have any ideas about what the real problem is (drugs, abuse, trouble with her parents)??

fuchsiasky's picture
Joined: 11/16/07
Posts: 955

"kris_w" wrote:

If talking to your DSD hasn't made any difference, what about talk to the friends parents?? Are they aware of the lies she is telling? It really sounds like something is going on with her and she needs some help... Do your think your daughter might have any ideas about what the real problem is (drugs, abuse, trouble with her parents)??

I really wish we could talk to the parents. I want to have the "do you know what your kid is up to?" conversation. And honestly if my kid was pulling stuff like this and a parent knew I would really want them to tell me about it!

We have spoken with her dad a bit. We have not really let him in on everything she has been saying. Part of the problem is that his english is not great so there can be issues with communication. There have been a couple of times that the girl has claimed a health issue where we have contacted the dad and found out she was fine. So he does know that she is saying she is sick when she isn't. I don't know what he had to say about that though.

As for the mom, we really don't know! If everything this girl says is true then child protection should be involved. Apparently the mom is physically, psychologically abusive - and kinda crazy. But we don't know if any of it is true and we have no evidence whatsoever in either direction. All we have is hearsay which is coming through teenagers. Also, when confronted on the possible abuse issue and offered help the girl backtracks and says everything is ok. So either this is a real abuse case or she is lying through her teeth. Without know it is really hard to say. I have wanted to call child protection a few times, but I have absolutely no evidence to present. Only rumours. I am tempted to call the counsellors as the highschool (as I know then through work) to bring someone in authority into the loop. But I don't know if there is anything they can do either.

Joined: 11/28/06
Posts: 848

I don't think we can control who our children are friends with, but we can absolutely control what happens in our home. I probably wouldn't invite this girl over and I think I'd tell my daughter that I no longer wanted to hear about or be a part of their unhealthy relationship. There just comes a point when remaining friends is no longer healthy (for either party) and it sounds like these girls have reached that point. I would no longer support their damaging relationship and I would insist that my child get her life (and good grades) back.

Of course, all of this is easy for me to say because my girls are practically babies and I have zero experience parenting teens. But good luck to you!

ftmom's picture
Joined: 09/04/06
Posts: 1538

My suggestion would be to concentrate on the school work and get your daughter passed this failing class. Dont put limits on their friendship, per say, but let her know that phones and facebook, etc will be taken away if she cant get her grades up. It is essentially concentrating on the result of the problem instead of the problem, but will force her to spend time apart from this friend, without forcing the friend issue, which could cause her to cling tighter to this friendship.

Long term, if this friendship persists and continues to be as damaging, I would try to get my daughter into some new clubs or teams, away from the influence of the friend (especially over the summer). The more healthy friendships she has around her, the more likely she is to see for herself how damaging this girl is (or have it pointed out by a new friend).

I would also contact the councilors at the school and let them know what is going on, from your perspective. They may not be able to do anything, or there may be nothing to do, but they might be able to suggest ways in which you can help your DSD.

Joined: 06/04/07
Posts: 1368

"fuchsiasky" wrote:

So here are my questions:
1. If your teen had a friend like that what would you do?
2. Do you think it is ok for a parent to say that their teen cannot hand out with a certain person?
3. If the teen refused would you force it? (We can take away facebook by changing her password and confiscate her phone.)
4. Or would you let them make their decision and live with the consequences (failed courses, broken heart)?

1. I've been there and done that with two drama teen daughters and a son who dated drama girls. I first have the friend over more at our house than anywhere else so I can know her well and call her bluff by pretending to be confused and ask her questions that will eventually lead her to change her story. I have learned that my (and others') kids can be fairly naive to think of certain questions when they don't understand some issues such as immigration laws, depression and suicide threats, etc. and default to believing and trusting what is being said. When they listen to me ask the questions, it gives them tools to independently use the next time issues arise. It also builds more trust to show that you are on their side to know it's ok to come to you to ask questions without judgment and for you to reiterate their instincts to know when something smells fishy.

You need to get to know the parents. Invite them to dinner (we usually go to a neutral area) to get to know them a bit (not with the teens) and when you feel comfortable with them to know that they are not being abusive (so far, none of my girls' friend's drama or sons' exgf's drama ever linked the parents to be abusive as they claimed), I would bring up your concerns about what is being said and how you would like to help the situation or know what the reality is. We have had countless dinner dates with other parents and it's amazing what the truth or the reality becomes in most cases. One case, we found the parents to be a bit psycho but not abusive. But the more parents communicate with each other, the better the outcome for all kids involved. The more you get to know the parents, the easier it is to discuss the touchier subjects without bias or accusations, but more of love and concern.

2. While a parent can see toxic relationships much sooner than their teens, it's not a good idea to tell them they "can't" see or hang out with their friends. If you single out a specific relationship, that's when they may choose to not be honest with their choices and sneak around to get what they want. You certainly can choose to ground or lose a privilege for the poor grade or poor choices they make, but if you restrict them from someone specific because of their friends' poor choices, it will most likely backfire. Instead, keep the communication open so you know exactly what is going on at all times.

3. See #2.

4. Be there as your DSD's biggest support system. Listen to her, advise when she asks, throw her non-accusatory, nonjudgmental questions for her to mull over, and load her with hugs and kisses. Ask her what you can do to help her feel better. These situations are life learning situations where if she does not learn from this and only follows your commands (dictating who will be her friends, etc.) or wishes, she will either rebel or repeat this pattern with someone else or both. I'm guessing that is not your goal. Her actions need to stem from her light-bulb moments so that she will learn how to stop it the next time it may present itself.

fuchsiasky's picture
Joined: 11/16/07
Posts: 955

Thanks for the thoughts ladies.

So DH did talk to DSD last night. He had previously said "No more friend" so this was also a case of blatant disobedience (another red flag as she usually does as asked on important things). He didn't get mad at her for that though, only expressed his concerns. DSD claims the friend is a "changed person" and that even the teachers will agree. Apparently she is helping DSD get over the break up of her boyfriend (which occurred 2 months ago and was only a 3 week relationship to begin with :rolleyes:). DSD claims her friend is wonderful and helpful. She swears she will do better in school. DH and I were fully prepared to say "no more!" but since that seems like the wrong plan he did not say that. What he did say was that this is their last chance and DSD agreed to that. If DSD grades do not come up, if the girl pulls another stunt that results in days of DSD in tears, if all hell breaks loose again, then DSD is done. She has agreed to walk away whether she wants to or not. I think it also became clear to her that even if she lies to us about the situation that we will find out what is going on. (The lying was also a big issue cause DSD doesn't lie to us. But we are on her facebook so caught her.) So it is back on DSD to prove to herself and us that this friendship is not damaging. We shall see what happens. And honestly, if DSD can keep a hold on things like her sleep and grades we will be less concerned about the drama. But when that drama starts impacting her health and education then we have to say something. And that is what she was told last night. I hope that she listened. I do think she felt that DH listened to her as he did back off the "no friend" stance at her urging. DH and DSD really do have a great relationship and can usually talk these things out so I am glad that they did.

I swear, this is like coaching someone through an abusive relationship! We can all see the baddness, but she just can't. But as was pointed out this is a life lesson and we don't tend to learn how to say no until we have to the first time. Darn! I do wish that we could truly learn from the experiences of others because it would be much less painful.

SoCaliLover's picture
Joined: 12/07/06
Posts: 1591

My DD had several friends like this in HS and drove me nuts! She also had other friends that we didn't approve of for other reasons at one time or another.

It is really hard as parents to tell your kid do not hang out with that person, simply cause you just really can't enforce it. Once they go to school and see BFF they are going to hang out if they want.

Not doing school work would be a nonstarter for me. No facebook, no phone till that issue is rectified.

I always had to make it about the school work and other responsibilities, not the friends. If they were keeping up with their responsibilities, then its up to them to get their heart broke, they will learn.

Beyond that, I would have a conversation as to what your issues are with the friend, the lies the depression etc. but honestly at that age she most likely will not get it and blame that on other issues.

I would also have a talk with the counselors at school. Have a list of what has been said, what the claims are. If there is abuse, they have to investigate, they can monitor both girls and their school work and can even start letting you know if the school work starts to fail again. The counselors are best able to address these issues and can also work with the parents of the child if needed. If their are language barriers, they may even be able to find a translator.

After going through this with three teen girls, you have NO idea how happy I was to have a son this time Smile

fuchsiasky's picture
Joined: 11/16/07
Posts: 955

On other problem we have right now is that with the job action in the schools (no report cards!) we have no idea what DSD grades are this year - only what she tells us. So at the end of the year it will be a big surprise as to what her marks have been. I am not looking forward to seeing that report card. Nor having to explain to DSD that her poor grades are her fault and that we will not be supportive of her failing things (she gets mad at us when we don't do the "oh poor thing" routine when she fails a test).

At least once DSD gets her brain back we have nearly a decade before DD and her cousin hit their teens. Hormones seem to drive females a little loopy, while with male it just put their brain in their pants :). I think I would rather have hormone dumb than hormone crazy!

Spacers's picture
Joined: 12/29/03
Posts: 4100

I'd talk with the school counselor. The school counselor might be able to help this girl get counseling services to explore why she feels she needs so much attention that she tells her friends she'd dying, and might have access through the school district to someone who can speak to the parents in their native language about this, or at least translate a letter. The school counselor might even serve as a neutral third party in a discussion with both girls about how they can frame their friendship in a way that no longer hurts either of them. And if this girl and her shenanigans are truly putting DSD at risk of failing a class, the school counselor might be able to pursuade DSD to take a break from this girl & focus on her schoolwork in a way that isn't Mom & Dad telling her to, kwim?

I'd also talk with DSD about how she defines a friend. This girl doesn't sound like one to me. Friends are supposed to help us be our best, to support us when we're down, to be trustworthy, and there should be a mutual benefit to both parties. I would really encourage DSD to explore why she wants this girl in her life when all she gets is hurt. This is going to be a good lesson to learn before she starts in with a boyfriend.

And finally, I'm in the camp of putting my foot down if someone is really "toxic" to my child. I believe in letting them work things out, giving them tools to work things out themselves, but if they can't, I'm not going to let my child continue to be hurt.

Good luck, I don't envy you one bit.

Spacers's picture
Joined: 12/29/03
Posts: 4100

"fuchsiasky" wrote:

On other problem we have right now is that with the job action in the schools (no report cards!) we have no idea what DSD grades are this year - only what she tells us.

That is completely unacceptable! Even if the school can't afford to send home report cards, the teachers should still be in contact with parents about their children's education! Call or email her instructors and ask what's going on.

fuchsiasky's picture
Joined: 11/16/07
Posts: 955

"Spacers" wrote:

That is completely unacceptable! Even if the school can't afford to send home report cards, the teachers should still be in contact with parents about their children's education! Call or email her instructors and ask what's going on.

It is all part of an ongoing teachers job action. The whole province is dealing with it. We have had some updates from teachers, and the students all know their grades, but they are only going to be doing the year end report card. The only students in the province who have had real reporting are Grade 12s. The parents of BC are not happy right now.

The report card/admin work strike was declared illegal. So now the teachers are not putting in any volunteer hours. So, no teams, not field trips, no extra curricular. It really sucks. At the same time I do not blame the teachers. They have been handed a situation by the provincial government that is completely unfair and will only hurt the students (no class size limits, no limits on the number of special needs kids per class, no raises, no extra funding for supplies etc). The situation that has been proposed by the government is completely unworkable and will hurt the kids. So when the teachers protested the government passed a bill to force them to do as they were told. Yay democracy! (****!)

fuchsiasky's picture
Joined: 11/16/07
Posts: 955

"Spacers" wrote:

I'd also talk with DSD about how she defines a friend. This girl doesn't sound like one to me. Friends are supposed to help us be our best, to support us when we're down, to be trustworthy, and there should be a mutual benefit to both parties. I would really encourage DSD to explore why she wants this girl in her life when all she gets is hurt. This is going to be a good lesson to learn before she starts in with a boyfriend.

We have been having a lot of discussions about how people treat each other and what is acceptable. When confronted last night DSD said that if she walks from this friend then she will have no friends! And DH told her that no friends is better than one who treats you like dirt. So if this continues we will put our foot down with DSD's fore-knowledge (although not quite consent). I feel better giving them one last chance as DSD knows that this is it.

fuchsiasky's picture
Joined: 11/16/07
Posts: 955

I have told DSD that she can go and talk to the counsellors about all of this. She doesn't want to. I am not going to go behind her back. If at some point she is ok with me talking to the counsellors, or if someone is actually going to get hurt, then I will seek them out. I don't want to push DSD too much though. We are walking a fine line here!

ftmom's picture
Joined: 09/04/06
Posts: 1538

"fuchsiasky" wrote:

It is all part of an ongoing teachers job action. The whole province is dealing with it. We have had some updates from teachers, and the students all know their grades, but they are only going to be doing the year end report card. The only students in the province who have had real reporting are Grade 12s. The parents of BC are not happy right now.

The report card/admin work strike was declared illegal. So now the teachers are not putting in any volunteer hours. So, no teams, not field trips, no extra curricular. It really sucks. At the same time I do not blame the teachers. They have been handed a situation by the provincial government that is completely unfair and will only hurt the students (no class size limits, no limits on the number of special needs kids per class, no raises, no extra funding for supplies etc). The situation that has been proposed by the government is completely unworkable and will hurt the kids. So when the teachers protested the government passed a bill to force them to do as they were told. Yay democracy! (****!)

You haven't gotten anything yet? My understanding is that report cards for what had been done so far in the year, went out almost a month ago now. All it would be is marks with no comments, but you should have got something. If you havent seen anything yet, I would contact the school.

Jules's picture
Joined: 10/03/01
Posts: 797

If your teen had a friend like that what would you do?

The first thing I'd do is separate my teen's responsibilities from her friend's. My child is responsible for her own actions, her own grades, her own emotions... 15 is a touchy age to dictate friends. You might be able to talk about friendship over dishwashing or while in the car.

Grades are the easiest to bring into focus. I'd talk about how good grades now enable you to attend the school you choose (if that's somehow slipped her mind and teens do have slippery memories at times). Then I would find out exactly how she's doing in all her classes and work together on a plan to bring the grades up to at least a C and hopefully better. If the teachers will be doing end of year grades, they must have a ball park figure of where she's at and how she can improve.

Once you have a plan, set out the details. Maybe they'd look like this:
come home right after school
30 to 45 minutes break time for snack, touching bases with friends on phone and FB
turn off external distractions
complete homework in three subjects
dinner break and free time
turn off distractions
complete homework in three subjects; work on catch-up, special reports
free time; bed

It's not long till the end of the term, so it's not like a life sentence. By your enforcing rules and boundaries for her own good, she has an out also if her friend complains about lack of attention. She can say that mom and dad say she has to get her grades up and if she doesn't, then she will lose her phone or computer priveleges or weekends.

I hope everything works out well for you all.
Julie

Joined: 12/10/05
Posts: 1681

"fuchsiasky" wrote:

It is all part of an ongoing teachers job action. The whole province is dealing with it. We have had some updates from teachers, and the students all know their grades, but they are only going to be doing the year end report card. The only students in the province who have had real reporting are Grade 12s. The parents of BC are not happy right now.

The report card/admin work strike was declared illegal. So now the teachers are not putting in any volunteer hours. So, no teams, not field trips, no extra curricular. It really sucks. At the same time I do not blame the teachers. They have been handed a situation by the provincial government that is completely unfair and will only hurt the students (no class size limits, no limits on the number of special needs kids per class, no raises, no extra funding for supplies etc). The situation that has been proposed by the government is completely unworkable and will hurt the kids. So when the teachers protested the government passed a bill to force them to do as they were told. Yay democracy! (****!)

Not getting report cards must be sooooo frustrating!

I'm so relieved not to have to deal with all the nonsense that has gone on in the schools this year.

boilermaker's picture
Joined: 08/21/02
Posts: 1984

If the girl has given ANY indication (even if she backtracks on it) of abuse or the need for child protection-- I'd make the call and see the counselor and report her. That is nothing to mess around with. And if the girl is lying, then this is a good opportunity for her to learn the consequences of her lies and how they impact others and aren't harmless.

Good luck!

fuchsiasky's picture
Joined: 11/16/07
Posts: 955

"ftmom" wrote:

You haven't gotten anything yet? My understanding is that report cards for what had been done so far in the year, went out almost a month ago now. All it would be is marks with no comments, but you should have got something. If you havent seen anything yet, I would contact the school.

The teachers refused to put them out. Marks are coming out next month. DSD has seen her test grades and has been letting us know if she is doing ok, but we haven't seen an actual grade. So doing ok could mean anything except outright failing.

fuchsiasky's picture
Joined: 11/16/07
Posts: 955

"boilermaker" wrote:

If the girl has given ANY indication (even if she backtracks on it) of abuse or the need for child protection-- I'd make the call and see the counselor and report her. That is nothing to mess around with. And if the girl is lying, then this is a good opportunity for her to learn the consequences of her lies and how they impact others and aren't harmless.

Good luck!

I am really tempted! The thing is though is that some of the claims are so out there that they really can't be true (such as taking her to immigration to have her deported). I have no actual evidence that anything is going on. And we have lots of evidence that the dad in the situation is awesome. My DH has met him and seen him with his daughter. He has gone very far to protect her and take care of her. So it is really hard to go to anyone and report anything since we have nothing.

I have actually talked to a social worker about a different situation with a different kid and she said straight up that when dealing with teens there is a BS filter involved. So the best thing to do is have the teen contact the ministry themselves with adult support. We have offered that many times to DSDs friend and she has refused. The reasons given had nothing to do with her parents and it was just a "no I don't feel like it". Now DSD's other friend (the one I called the ministry for) did follow through and contact official help because things were real and she needed support. There is a point where if someone is completely unwilling to help themselves it makes things really difficult to help them.

Spacers's picture
Joined: 12/29/03
Posts: 4100

"fuchsiasky" wrote:

I have told DSD that she can go and talk to the counsellors about all of this. She doesn't want to. I am not going to go behind her back. If at some point she is ok with me talking to the counsellors, or if someone is actually going to get hurt, then I will seek them out. I don't want to push DSD too much though. We are walking a fine line here!

I really don't get this. This other girl is making your DSD's life a living hell, interfering with her school work, and you don't want to contact a counselor about her? That's what the school counselor is for, helping the kids find ways to solve their own problems, and also investigating when a kid might be having trouble at home that needs further assistance. This other girl sounds like a nutcase who needs help, you really should let someone know who can do something about it.

And I get what you're saying about the teachers not doing report cards to protest being forced to work in unacceptable conditions, but I don't understand why you aren't asking for the information you need about your own child's education. Are you telling me that if you call the school and ask for Mr. Smith's room, and when he picks up the phone, you say you're calling to discuss how DSD is doing in his class, he'll say no & hang up? That if you show up at school and ask, he'll walk away? :shock: I find it hard to believe that a teacher wouldn't give that information to a parent who asked, protest or no protest, that's just wrong on so many levels.

fuchsiasky's picture
Joined: 11/16/07
Posts: 955

"Spacers" wrote:

I really don't get this. This other girl is making your DSD's life a living hell, interfering with her school work, and you don't want to contact a counselor about her? That's what the school counselor is for, helping the kids find ways to solve their own problems, and also investigating when a kid might be having trouble at home that needs further assistance. This other girl sounds like a nutcase who needs help, you really should let someone know who can do something about it.

And I get what you're saying about the teachers not doing report cards to protest being forced to work in unacceptable conditions, but I don't understand why you aren't asking for the information you need about your own child's education. Are you telling me that if you call the school and ask for Mr. Smith's room, and when he picks up the phone, you say you're calling to discuss how DSD is doing in his class, he'll say no & hang up? That if you show up at school and ask, he'll walk away? :shock: I find it hard to believe that a teacher wouldn't give that information to a parent who asked, protest or no protest, that's just wrong on so many levels.

To the first part - if DSD is willing to have us talk with the counselors then I am happy to. But if not it would be a big breach of trust in her mind. So really it is that I want to proceed carefully if we go that route. Now, last year when there were friend troubles we did get involved and speak with the school, but that was with DSD's agreement.

We are getting some information from the teachers but not tonnes. A few have emails going out keeping parents updates. Some don't. It is only in the last couple weeks that DSD has admitted that she is having trouble with a couple subject and before now she was reporting her grades to us herself pretty consistently.

Joined: 05/23/12
Posts: 680

I don't remember if you said she only does these things to your dsd or if she does these things to others as well.

Everyone has given really great advice. I wanted to also suggest another direction. What I would be most concerned with is how your dsd is allowing her friend to manipulate her and toy with her emotions which you've pointed out. This has to be stopped in its tracks and help her build and maintain healthier future relationships. She needs to learn what healthy boundaries are and maintain good self esteem. I'd feel most afraid of these two important aspects as they could make her a future target for abusive relationships with friends and those more intimate.

I had to help one of my children work on learning basic dynamics of friendship this year and there is much more to be done as the issues get more complex as time goes on. I think for soft hearted and more innocent minded kids, these are always issues they need help with. I think these kids are easier targets for being bullied, abused, and manipulated. So for my kid, I will have to continue helping him understand healthy relationships, healthy boundaries, true friendship, good esteem, etc.

How to teach those things.....maybe get her enrolled in some good youth programs which touch on these things sons he learns on her own. At this age, she likely will not want to hear these things from you. Maybe you can contact a few organizations or some other creative way. If she is in some sports, maybe her coach can have some team building exercises and send subtle messages not directed at her. The point is that the messages should be offered for her to get in her own way, like coming to a realization. Maybe you can talk vaguely to the school counselor (not behind her back but generally and about offering programs) about offer some fun teen spirited workshops now or over the summer. I can think of some cool ways to build these.

I don't know if this rings in the same tune as your dsd's situation, but I thought I would give a slightly different spin from the already great advice.

Sorry she's having such a stinky relationship with her friend. This is a terrible position to be in for everyone.