What would you do? Cyber bullying mom.

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bunnyfufu's picture
Joined: 10/21/05
Posts: 203
What would you do? Cyber bullying mom.

From:

http://www.mtparent.com/index.php/home/today-i-saw-something-really-ugly.html

The question is:

What would you do? Or What have you done in this circumstance?


I was having one of those frustrating days. I decided to take the day off. Got the kids ready for some quiet fun. My plan was to drop stuff off, go to the library and make a candy purchase. Maybe water balloons later. You know, that day.

Well, I let my kids paint the super-cool playhouses that the Emerson is raffling off, with the warning, "Please be careful and don't get paint on these clothes, ok? I'll be right back!" Yep, 2 minutes later. . . blue paint is swashed across my darling's favorite dress. My head falls, because I know that I am about to become, that mom. Paintbrush back to the tray. Off comes the apron. And then I yank the dress over her head and dunk it into the completely pristine hand-washing bucket by the painting booth. Of course she was wearing shorts and a tank top underneath, but I am sure I looked like a crazy-mama.
Rush home, cancel the stops. regroup.

Le, sigh..........

Okay. Whatever. The kids are fine without the other stops. And they are kind of blissfully wiped out after the weekend's adventure. We bathe and wash and clean. (24 hours later the dress is still soaking but it's maybe gonna be ok.) I let them watch 'Lab Rats' and 'Wild Kratts' for a bit. I turn to Facebook for some veg out time.

If you are like me, you have all kinds of 'friends'. They are your family; aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, in-laws and extended. Also; people you know from school, work and play, both present and past. They all have their weird ways of expressing themselves. Sometimes the newsfeed is strange. No biggie.

But, remember. . . I am in a mood. I am looking to be entertained by a gaggle of people that I signed on for. And I see this:


[LEFT]It's the caption for the picture that I see of an unknown woman. Her jeans don't fit super well. She's bigger and her butt-crack is unfortunately visible. Hell, she has probably been fighting with those jeans all frickin' day long. Finally at lunch, she's sitting down and has given up the fight to make the fabrics meet.
[/LEFT]
[LEFT]Nope, it's not a great look but here is what I find really flip-floppin' ugly. When that mom, who I really looked up to in high school as a chick who had her act together. Classy and stylish. Smart and popular. Destined to a good life. And now as an adult seems to have it all. Gorgeous husband, many kids, her own home, she's tall-thin-pretty. When she was faced with her preteen daughters and their friends laughing at someone, she had a choice.[/LEFT]
[LEFT]She could:[/LEFT]
[LEFT]A: Tell the kids not to be such twerps. Because, that is a human being. Pipe down or we're outta here.

or[/LEFT]
[LEFT]B: Take a picture of an overweight gal's behind and post it online for kicks.[/LEFT]
[LEFT]But, can I tell you what's almost worse. That I sat here stewing about it and watching it develop like some weird modern anthropomorphological study. Why didn't I just say, "Hey, this kinda sucks." or "Whoa! Great job teaching the girls what's what!" I said nothing and then. . . the comments started stroking her ego. Praising how awesome she was for being such a quick thinker. How glad they were to know her. "Yum."[/LEFT]
[LEFT]And we wonder how cyber bullying gets out of hand.[/LEFT]
[LEFT]I don't know folks.
[/LEFT]

note: yes this is a piece I wrote. I am curious about your responses. xoxo BunnyFufu

Alissa_Sal's picture
Joined: 06/29/06
Posts: 6427

Yes, I think it's gross that she took that woman's picture and posted it online. Way to teach your kids about kindness! The only part I didn't understand was the part about how she "has it all." Are you saying that you expect her to behave better because she's pretty and has a nice life? It kind of reads like "see, she's not so perfect after all" which is a bit off putting.

mom3girls's picture
Joined: 01/09/07
Posts: 1533

Like the piece, really makes me think. I probably would not have said anything to the offending poster, but I would have brought my kids in there to make sure they saw what someone thought was okay to post.
My thought process would be that I cant effect change in an adult, but I can teach my kids to be better people

bunnyfufu's picture
Joined: 10/21/05
Posts: 203

"Alissa_Sal" wrote:

The only part I didn't understand was the part about how she "has it all." Are you saying that you expect her to behave better because she's pretty and has a nice life?

Interesting! That wasn't my intended meaning, but I can see how you got there.

I expect everybody to behave better than she did. And maybe more trying to highlight the don't judge a book by it's cover idea. I was honestly flummoxed by what she did. That someone who I have always thought of in lovely terms made such an unlovely move, kwim?

Joined: 05/31/06
Posts: 4780

I hate photo shaming. I probably would have said something like "Poor lady, :(" and left it at that. I do kindov agree with Alissa that mentioning the Moms looks or social status isn't helpful ~ it paints it as a "look what the mean girl did because she is pretty" thing, when really the main jist of the article is that this is something that NOBODY should do, you know?

The whole "My girls cant stop giggling" is SO gross.

bunnyfufu's picture
Joined: 10/21/05
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"Potter75" wrote:

I hate photo shaming. I probably would have said something like "Poor lady, :(" and left it at that. I do kindov agree with Alissa that mentioning the Moms looks or social status isn't helpful ~ it paints it as a "look what the mean girl did because she is pretty" thing, when really the main jist of the article is that this is something that NOBODY should do, you know?

The whole "My girls cant stop giggling" is SO gross.

I really am surprised that it's coming off so strongly that way. Totally not my intention, but I am listening.

I kinda blatted all of that out because I just was so shocked. I am not close with this gal anymore - many years and states away. I think my vision of her was shattered a bit. All the things I think about her life, minus this post are so positive. I also strive for a full and happy and good life with some ease. And I admit that I just can't really understand the gleeful meanness of a person who's life has so much to be thankful for. I'd have more sympathy for this mistake (because, I think that's was it is. If we know better, we choose better) if she was somehow struggling. If it were about jealousy, for example.

But nope. She was being the mean girl. And she was getting strokes for it. Just made me feel kinda sick. Cognitively dissonant.

bunnyfufu's picture
Joined: 10/21/05
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"mom3girls" wrote:

Like the piece, really makes me think. I probably would not have said anything to the offending poster, but I would have brought my kids in there to make sure they saw what someone thought was okay to post.
My thought process would be that I cant effect change in an adult, but I can teach my kids to be better people

This is what I was hoping to get across. And yes, I showed my kids and told them about it.

Joined: 03/08/03
Posts: 3183

I think it's pretty crappy to teach your kids to make fun of people like that. But I agree that it's a little off putting to bring up the criticizing mom's status, looks, etc. I don't think it's relevant.

Full disclosure, I did once take a close-up shot of someone's a** at a school event. She was not particularly big, but she was deliberately wearing insanely super tight pants, I mean SUPER tight, meant to hug every curve, and they were hugging every single fold in her not superskinny butt. I do think there's a difference between making fun of someone who is overweight, or just privately (not on Facebook, not to your kids) belittling someone's really awful fashion choices. A girl's gotta have some fun.

I'd never do anything like that on Facebook. It's so gloat-y and mean-spirited, not just laughing at someone, but getting other people to do it too.

Joined: 05/31/06
Posts: 4780

"freddieflounder101" wrote:

I think it's pretty crappy to teach your kids to make fun of people like that. But I agree that it's a little off putting to bring up the criticizing mom's status, looks, etc. I don't think it's relevant.

Full disclosure, I did once take a close-up shot of someone's a** at a school event. She was not particularly big, but she was deliberately wearing insanely super tight pants, I mean SUPER tight, meant to hug every curve, and they were hugging every single fold in her not superskinny butt. I do think there's a difference between making fun of someone who is overweight, or just privately (not on Facebook, not to your kids) belittling someone's really awful fashion choices. A girl's gotta have some fun.

I'd never do anything like that on Facebook. It's so gloat-y and mean-spirited, not just laughing at someone, but getting other people to do it too.

Yes- in full disclosure I once took a picture of this woman at our gym who is blatantly having an affair with a trainer. She had gigantic fake boobs, Botox xo badly her face is frozen- just a real piece of work. She was wearing this metallic gold hot pants thing with a matching sports bra and running on the treadmill- everything- and I mean EVERYTHING was on full display. I texted it to 6 or 7 of my gym friends as I truly just couldn't believe that someone was wearing that in front of other people. It was like porn. Maybe it was mean. I don't know.

Joined: 05/31/06
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It would actually make for a pretty interesting debate. Do we hold the pretty/well off /,healthy kids/big house person to a different standard than the in attractive poor person?

Joined: 03/08/03
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"Potter75" wrote:

Yes- in full disclosure I once took a picture of this woman at our gym who is blatantly having an affair with a trainer. She had gigantic fake boobs, Botox xo badly her face is frozen- just a real piece of work. She was wearing this metallic gold hot pants thing with a matching sports bra and running on the treadmill- everything- and I mean EVERYTHING was on full display. I texted it to 6 or 7 of my gym friends as I truly just couldn't believe that someone was wearing that in front of other people. It was like porn. Maybe it was mean. I don't know.

I definitely see a difference between pointing out someone's weight vs pointing out their ill-fitting fashion crimes.

Alissa_Sal's picture
Joined: 06/29/06
Posts: 6427

I once took a picture of this guy's feet because he was wearing these sort of samuri socks that split between the toes for his flip flops. Plus, he was wearing socks with flip flops. This was in HI while we were on our honeymoon. But he wasn't overweight or even particularly bad looking or anything, I just thought the socks with flip flops thing was weird and funny, and I didn't share the picture on the internet. I did put the picture of his feet in our honeymoon photo album because it always made us laugh a little bit.

ETA: Like these: http://www.etsy.com/au/listing/156605310/japanese-samurai-socks-for-zori-slippers

And no, I hope I wasn't being culturally insensitive. He didn't appear to be Japanese, he was a white guy in baggy jeans and an anime t shirt, and then the special socks and rubber flipflops.

bunnyfufu's picture
Joined: 10/21/05
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"Alissa_Sal" wrote:

I once took a picture of this guy's feet because he was wearing these sort of samuri socks that split between the toes for his flip flops. Plus, he was wearing socks with flip flops. This was in HI while we were on our honeymoon. But he wasn't overweight or even particularly bad looking or anything, I just thought the socks with flip flops thing was weird and funny, and I didn't share the picture on the internet. I did put the picture of his feet in our honeymoon photo album because it always made us laugh a little bit.

ETA: Like these: Japanese samurai socks for Zori Slippers / a pair by IrodoriLife

And no, I hope I wasn't being culturally insensitive. He didn't appear to be Japanese, he was a white guy in baggy jeans and an anime t shirt, and then the special socks and rubber flipflops.

That's funny. You know I actually have a bunch of these and wear them often. I lived/taught in Japan for 2 years. It's a very popular thing, because it honestly feels good. But I do get looks. Smile

Alissa_Sal's picture
Joined: 06/29/06
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"bunnyfufu" wrote:

That's funny. You know I actually have a bunch of these and wear them often. I lived/taught in Japan for 2 years. It's a very popular thing, because it honestly feels good. But I do get looks. Smile

Haha, if I ever meet you I am TOTALLY taking a picture of your feet. Blum 3

mom3girls's picture
Joined: 01/09/07
Posts: 1533

Maybe I am a total prude here (not sure prude is the right word) but I would be so sad if someone took my picture only to make fun of me for something I was doing or wearing, therefore I wouldnt do it to another person. If I caught my kids doing it you can bet they would be in big trouble. My litmus test is always "would I be okay if my teenage child did this" if not, then I dont do it

Joined: 03/14/09
Posts: 624

"bunnyfufu" wrote:

That's funny. You know I actually have a bunch of these and wear them often. I lived/taught in Japan for 2 years. It's a very popular thing, because it honestly feels good. But I do get looks. Smile

They're so uncomfortable. Weirdo. Wink Especially for Bon Odori when they make my feet sweat!!!

Joined: 05/31/06
Posts: 4780

I don't pretend that I never talk about what another person is wearing. I totally do. Sometimes in an "Oh man I love that outfit/haircut etc....sometimes in an "Oh my goodness you can see her see her actual butt" way. I'm okay with that. Humans are incredible curious and social creatures and we learn a lot from looking at one another ~ I'm okay with the fact that my friends and I discuss it, especially when certain humans go out of their way to put themselves on display. I mean, heck, magazines and the like are a bagillion dollar industry for a reason. If others choose not to look at other humans or discuss what one another wears or whatnot thats great! I definately do. I enjoy pinterest too. The difference between the OP and the person in the metallic hot pants and bikini top running in front of everyone is this ~ the woman eating in the food court probably had NO IDEA that her butt was sticking out. She probably would have been mortified. THe woman who was iNTENTIONALLY sticking her butt in all of our faces certainly knew she was doing it. Its hard to say that she wasn't asking for commentary, or at a minimum, notice, of her, uh, apparrel. To give it to her simply seems to be doing what she wants. In the other case it is giving someone attention for something that most empathetic humans could understand would probably mortify her.

That is (to me) a pretty clear and easy distinction to draw.

Joined: 03/08/03
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"Potter75" wrote:

I don't pretend that I never talk about what another person is wearing. I totally do. Sometimes in an "Oh man I love that outfit/haircut etc....sometimes in an "Oh my goodness you can see her see her actual butt" way. I'm okay with that. Humans are incredible curious and social creatures and we learn a lot from looking at one another ~ I'm okay with the fact that my friends and I discuss it, especially when certain humans go out of their way to put themselves on display. I mean, heck, magazines and the like are a bagillion dollar industry for a reason. If others choose not to look at other humans or discuss what one another wears or whatnot thats great! I definately do. I enjoy pinterest too. The difference between the OP and the person in the metallic hot pants and bikini top running in front of everyone is this ~ the woman eating in the food court probably had NO IDEA that her butt was sticking out. She probably would have been mortified. THe woman who was iNTENTIONALLY sticking her butt in all of our faces certainly knew she was doing it. Its hard to say that she wasn't asking for commentary, or at a minimum, notice, of her, uh, apparrel. To give it to her simply seems to be doing what she wants. In the other case it is giving someone attention for something that most empathetic humans could understand would probably mortify her.

That is (to me) a pretty clear and easy distinction to draw.

Thanks. I started a bunch of posts trying to explain this difference and kept giving up. But that's it for me too. There's one person just going about her business, and then there's another who is doing everything she can to get attention and get people to look at her and it's ridiculous. It's about inviting it vs. not.

I notice people's clothes all the time. While we were in DC I kept thinking I wanted to stop women on the street to ask where they shopped, because I saw so many outfits I liked. In NY where people are edgier I see stuff I like and stuff I hate and stuff that makes me laugh my head off because it's SO deliberate and so silly.

Alissa_Sal's picture
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"mom3girls" wrote:

Maybe I am a total prude here (not sure prude is the right word) but I would be so sad if someone took my picture only to make fun of me for something I was doing or wearing, therefore I wouldnt do it to another person. If I caught my kids doing it you can bet they would be in big trouble. My litmus test is always "would I be okay if my teenage child did this" if not, then I dont do it

I admit that taking a picture of that guy's socks wasn't one of my kinder moments, but I also think that laughing privately about somebody's out there fashion choice with my husband isn't one of the worst things I've done in my life. It was a pretty light hearted piece of nonsense; I didn't wish that guy any ill, we'd just never seen anyone wearing socks with flipflops other than illustrations of samuris before. If it makes you feel any better, I've worn some pretty silly footgear in my life. I have a pair of brightly flowered clogs that my MIL gave me that are pretty hideous, but sooooo comfy. If I found out that someone took a picture of those clogs, I would probably laugh with them. They *are* kind of ridiculous.

KimPossible's picture
Joined: 05/24/06
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I probably would not have said anything on the thread, but i would found the post to be in poor taste...to put it lightly.

Add me to the camp of people though who can't say they've never taken part in a photo sharing of an individual without their knowledge. My husband, not that long ago, took a picture of this woman with the most AMAZING permed mullet i had ever seen. It really was amazing because there was an impressive amount of height to the do.

I honestly can't even say 'she was asking for it'...i have no idea if she was or not, maybe she just likes her hair that way. But it was very noteworthy.

I don't know....maybe its not a shining moment to take pictures of other people in any circumstance if its to simply marvel at their fashion sense. I think i'd have a hard time justifying it...but sometimes, i don't know, just sometimes its one of those 'you have got to see this' moments and you do it anyway. Although thats the only time we've ever done t.

And i would never publicly shame someone on facebook! Thats pretty terrible.

mom3girls's picture
Joined: 01/09/07
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It makes me a little sad that people think that it is okay to make fun of someone because "They asked for it" Isnt that blaming the victim?

I wont say I dont make fun of others, but I really try hard to just have fun with teasing the people I know. Like my MIL, she still wears 80's aerobics clothes to work out. We tease her a ton, but she knows we love her and she teases right back with me.

Joined: 05/31/06
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Are you seriously comparing this to rape? Because that's disgusting.

eta: my friends and I know this woman. Her name is Corey. She loves to be looked at and she dresses accordingly. I don't see any part of that being a "victim" and it's really disturbing to me that you would associate language frequently associated with rape trials to this conversation. It diminishes actual victim scenarios and is really strange.

mom3girls's picture
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"Potter75" wrote:

Are you seriously comparing this to rape? Because that's disgusting.

eta: my friends and I know this woman. Her name is Corey. She loves to be looked at and she dresses accordingly. I don't see any part of that being a "victim" and it's really disturbing to me that you would associate language frequently associated with rape trials to this conversation. It diminishes actual victim scenarios and is really strange.

Is rape the only area where people blame the victim? Nope. I am not equating this to rape, but I am equating it to cyber bullying. I have heard a lot of people justify cyber bullying by saying the victim was weird, or strange, or ****ty or gay or fat. I do not think any of those reasons are acceptable. I would be HORRIFIED if someone took a picture of one of my kids are sent it around to their friends so that the friends could make fun of them.

Joined: 05/31/06
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Well- dont have your adult children dressing like prostitutes at a family gym and running on treadmills and they should be safe. No promises, though.

eta- I don't understand your analogy at all- because cyberbullying IS calling the victim those things- not justifying it due to those things.

mom3girls's picture
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DP

GloriaInTX's picture
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"Potter75" wrote:

Are you seriously comparing this to rape? Because that's disgusting.

Wow. That's quite a leap.

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"GloriaInTX" wrote:

Wow. That's quite a leap.

Brilliant debate point

GloriaInTX's picture
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"Potter75" wrote:

Brilliant debate point

Thank you.

KimPossible's picture
Joined: 05/24/06
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I don't really think people 'ask for it' but when someone is extreme in some way or another its really hard for your brain not to have a natural reaction to that.

I think its much better to release that feeling among your closest circle then it is to attempt to publicly hurt someone. Or open up the individual to a wider audience of ridicule.

Joined: 03/08/03
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Yeah. I would never put someone's picture on Facebook or distribute it widely. But it's human nature to have an opinion and a sense of humor. You're not actually hurting anyone if it's not public and they don't find out. I'm not sitting there with my kids teaching them that it's okay to make fun of the way people look. It's really not that dramatic.

I have no real fashion sense at all so it's not like I am pointing out imperfections in others. But when I see someone making a very deliberate choice, one that clearly took much effort, and it's intended to attract attention, and it's ridiculous, I don't think it makes me an awful person to enjoy a laugh with a friend at their unknowing expense.

Posting it on social media? Making fun of someone's weight? Not okay.

Joined: 05/31/06
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Mmm hmm. It's great if there are people out there who are totally immune to reacting to things like metallic hot pants and a bra and no shirt running at a family gym. I'm just not. Maybe I'm immature and my friends are too. We had an "oh man Corey that ones EPIC!!!!" Giggle and our days moved along. No children or puppies were harmed. If that horrifies anyone we have different sensibilities or senses of humor. Keeps the world fun, I figure.

I do consider other ppeople's opinions when dressing. One time this summer I stepped out a little and wore a dress that was a little shorter than normal that had a built in bra and I wore big heels. I was out on a date with my husband. I got more "looks" than I was comfortable with and I haven't worn it again. If you don't give a lick about all that great for you! I totally do.

Joined: 03/08/03
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This reminds me of a day many MANY (many!) years ago when people were wearing leggings with long shirts. . .but we were probably at the tail end of that. I wore leggings with a long button-down shirt to work, I was working at VH1 at the time, and my boss, who was also a friend (and a gay man) was talking to me and I confided that I felt uncomfortable and wondered if I looked like I'd forgotten to wear my pants that day.

He started having people around the office call my desk and ask me if I'd forgotten my pants.

I thought it was hilarious.

I punished him by making him come to the Gap with me while I bought a pair of jeans.

ClairesMommy's picture
Joined: 08/15/06
Posts: 2299

DH's cousin once took a picture of DD when she was a baby asleep on a big sofa-type swing while camping. She scattered empty beer cans around her then took the pic and posted it on her fb page - all of it without our knowledge. Wanna see bat-$hit psycho crazy ????? Yeah, that was me.

Sorry for the aside.

AlyssaEimers's picture
Joined: 08/22/06
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"Potter75" wrote:

Are you seriously comparing this to rape? Because that's disgusting.

At no time did I think that was what Lisa was saying. There are many kinds of victims other than rape. One of them is bullying. I do think that bullying can and does happen over the Internet.

I also do think it is very unkind to make fun of someone for how they are dressed. Is it the same as murder? Of course not, but it is not something that I would be proud of.

Joined: 05/31/06
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We talk about what people eat too. I noticed how often my family did it on the cruise. Humans probably did that forever- it's how they found the best hunting spots or knew to eat (or not eat!) certain berries or whatnot. I've never taken photos of other people's food, but I've noticed it for sure. Again- I think that humans have done it and will do it from the beginning of time till the end of time- and I don't think acknowledging about it is bragging about. I do thi k that pretending one never notices such things or is aware of such things is being less than honest.

no one said Internet bullying doesn't happen Bonita. And no one compared it to murder. No idea what you means.

AlyssaEimers's picture
Joined: 08/22/06
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"Potter75" wrote:

no one said Internet bullying doesn't happen Bonita. And no one compared it to murder. No idea what you means.

I do think that taking a picture of what someone is wearing and posting it on FB is Internet bullying. I was saying it is not as horrible as killing someone or anything, but not at all a wonderful thing.

It is one thing to notice to yourself that someone is doing something you would not necessarily do yourself. It is another thing to take a picture and send it to all your friends or put it on FB. IRL, I would not spend time with someone who thought that was OK to do.

Joined: 05/31/06
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Ah, I apologize, I misunderstood. I agree, as do all, that posting that stuff to FB is a form of social bullying. I didn't realize you were talking about the OP.

I thought that you were saying that talking about that stuff with your friends or family (like Laurie or Kim or I were talking about) was. That is where I would disagree.

I continue to maintain that calling someone who is absolutely inviting attention a "victim" when they receive said attention is incorrect terminology. And I also maintain that "blaming the victim" in such context is a term contextually most associated with rape. Wiki will concur. And everybody knows that wiki knows everything. Now, someone who is inviting attention who then receives RAPE would yes, be blaming the victim. That is not related to this debate, of course. I also think that having that conversation over a text message instead of the table in the cafe, simply because that day we happened to not all be sitting there, doesn't make one conversation okay and one not. The injection of the cell phone doesn't make one innately evil and one not, IMO.

Joined: 03/08/03
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Even though I wouldn't post such a thing on Facebook, it's not actually bullying if the person is a total stranger, not connected to anyone you know, and never sees it or hears about it.

I still think doing such a thing is really sh**ty, but it's only bullying if the person actually knows about it.

AlyssaEimers's picture
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Posts: 6559

"freddieflounder101" wrote:

I still think doing such a thing is really sh**ty, but it's only bullying if the person actually knows about it.

And how do you know that you do not have a mutual friend or that it wouldn't go viral? I have seen widely spread photos labeled "Only at Walmart". It is picking on how people dress at Walmart. It stands to reason that it is possible that the people in those pictures will see themselves in those pictures. How do you know that the person does not dress that way because they are mentally unstable and do not know any better. I can totally picture how utterly humiliated a person would be to know that the entire Country saw a picture of them that was unflattering and was laughing at that person. I can also see a person being so devastated by this that they were suicidal. It very much is bullying.

Joined: 03/08/03
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"AlyssaEimers" wrote:

And how do you know that you do not have a mutual friend or that it wouldn't go viral? I have seen widely spread photos labeled "Only at Walmart". It is picking on how people dress at Walmart. It stands to reason that it is possible that the people in those pictures will see themselves in those pictures. How do you know that the person does not dress that way because they are mentally unstable and do not know any better. I can totally picture how utterly humiliated a person would be to know that the entire Country saw a picture of them that was unflattering and was laughing at that person. I can also see a person being so devastated by this that they were suicidal. It very much is bullying.

I said "if the person is a total stranger, not connected to anyone you know, and never sees it or hears about it." I didn't say "if you ASSUME that," I meant if it's actually true. (I'm actually not connected to very many people on FB anyway...I mostly use it for work to keep an eye on our marketing campaigns.)

Anyway I didn't say it was an okay thing to do, but I was clarifying that for it to be bullying, the person has to actually know about it.

AlyssaEimers's picture
Joined: 08/22/06
Posts: 6559

So if two teenage girls are talking very mean about another teenage girl at school it is only bullying if she finds out about it? Or if she is not smart enough to understand they are being mean to her? (Curious because I have never heard it defined this way before.)

Joined: 03/08/03
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"AlyssaEimers" wrote:

So if two teenage girls are talking very mean about another teenage girl at school it is only bullying if she finds out about it? Or if she is not smart enough to understand they are being mean to her? (Curious because I have never heard it defined this way before.)

Smart enough has nothing to do with it. If two teenage girls are at one of their houses talking about a third girl and it never goes farther than that, then no, it is not bullying. How could that be bullying? The girl doesn't find out and neither does anyone else.

When I snapped that picture and showed it to my husband and we laughed, we were not bullying anybody.

bunnyfufu's picture
Joined: 10/21/05
Posts: 203

"freddieflounder101" wrote:

Smart enough has nothing to do with it. If two teenage girls are at one of their houses talking about a third girl and it never goes farther than that, then no, it is not bullying. How could that be bullying? The girl doesn't find out and neither does anyone else.

When I snapped that picture and showed it to my husband and we laughed, we were not bullying anybody.

I agree with what you are saying. And I think it's different.

The gal I am talking about is in a smallish town (40k) and she named the pizza place and you could see half of the gals face. It was really just so bad. Sad

Joined: 03/08/03
Posts: 3183

"bunnyfufu" wrote:

I agree with what you are saying. And I think it's different.

The gal I am talking about is in a smallish town (40k) and she named the pizza place and you could see half of the gals face. It was really just so bad. Sad

Right. What you're talking about is bullying, it sounds like it went out to a lot of people in a place where this woman is likely to be recognized. Completely different category.

KimPossible's picture
Joined: 05/24/06
Posts: 3309

"AlyssaEimers" wrote:

So if two teenage girls are talking very mean about another teenage girl at school it is only bullying if she finds out about it? Or if she is not smart enough to understand they are being mean to her? (Curious because I have never heard it defined this way before.)

The truth is, kids talk about other kids day in and day out among their friends and you, nor i, nor anyone else ever hears about it because if the kid they are talking about never knows...nothing ever comes from it. Thats not bullying.

I think it would be bad if they were obsessed with criticizing an individual non stop in private. A)because that is just unhealthy B)That means its really about the individual and not about any one particular thing they did and C)It might make them feel justified in doing something worse some day.

But a simple "Did you see that shirt so and so was wearing?" between two friends on a day where someone was wearing a pretty awful shirt?

Not even in the same camp as bullying IMO, not even close.

KimPossible's picture
Joined: 05/24/06
Posts: 3309

And you know I think you can tell when someone just simply has a nasty attitude towards another individual and is just harsh on them for no good reason and truly having that jaw dropping, wide eyed shock when someone does something extreme.

Those are two entirely different things.

Joined: 05/31/06
Posts: 4780

Bonita I think that you are truly confused about what bullying is. No, two teenage girls talking about another girl at home is not bullying. Gossiping, maybe, but not bullying.

Yes, I do think that things like the people of walmart site are mean and probably uploading photos of people when you take them and post them of people without their knowledge to public domain cites would be considered cyber bullying. I find those cites disgusting and have never looked at them. They are mocking an entire demographic and are ugly.

I remember having a conversation about Kim Kardashian when she was pregnant with some girlfriends. We were talking about a particular photo of her feet. (Super highbrow conversation) she was wearing really high heels in a plastic clear material, her ankles and feet were very swollen and were hanging out all over her shoes. Of course it looked terrible as well as terrible uncomfortable. The press was all over her. We were talking about how we felt badly for her for being so nitpicked in the press for her weight during pregnancy, while simultaneously acknowledging that she was bringing this on herself ~ talking about how easily she could be dressing SENSIBLY and probably looking 1000% better. The woman has all the money in the world and stylists available to her, there is absolutely no reason at all she could not choose to look absolutely lovely and have no one making fun of her at every turn. We talked about how Kate Middleton was "doing it right"......Were we bullying Kim? I don't know. What do you think? We were talking about her, yes. Was she "bringing it on herself?"

Lady Gaga and her meat dress come to mind also. We actually had a debate about it on here. Did we cyber bully her by posting that debate? Did we victimize her? Or was she asking for attention by wearing a meat dress? See, I'd say that she wanted attention and she wanted to be talked about. I'd say that had she been attacked physically and people said that "she deserved it" THAT would have been "blaming the victim". But talking about her meat dress? She WANTED people to or she would have worn a fabric dress like 99.9 percent of the rest of the world. People who act like its abnormal to talk about outliers are lying to themselves and denying human nature.

Joined: 05/13/02
Posts: 414

Am I the only one who thinks that "bullying" is thrown around way too much? I'm not denying that bullying happens, but not every negative that happens to a person is because someone is bullying them.

Sorry if I'm not making much sense...didn't sleep well, and was up early to get kids off to school :woohoo: .

Joined: 03/08/03
Posts: 3183

Right. I'm not going to make fun of someone just because he or she is wearing shoes I don't like. But when I see some woman walking through the streets of Manhattan with super high super pointy stilettos and she's wobbling and can't walk properly, I will certainly make fun of her in my head and if I'm with someone, to them too. (Not to her, just to my friend.)

When someone goes out of their way to make a ridiculous and attention-getting choice, I reserve the right to notice and mock them, to myself and my companions, out of that person's earshot.

AlyssaEimers's picture
Joined: 08/22/06
Posts: 6559

There is a difference between privately talking to someone in your own home that you know will not repeat it and posting something on-line or taking a picture and sending it to multiple people. Once you put something on the internet you have no control over who sees it.

KimPossible's picture
Joined: 05/24/06
Posts: 3309

"AlyssaEimers" wrote:

There is a difference between privately talking to someone in your own home that you know will not repeat it and posting something on-line or taking a picture and sending it to multiple people. Once you put something on the internet you have no control over who sees it.

Who here is supporting sharing it on the internet?

I think you are debating a ghost.

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