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    Community Host wlillie's Avatar
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    Default you're the mom

    I keep seeing people online giving advice about how mothers should interact with outsiders- MIL/family., doctors, daycare providers and friends. I always bring up the dh because IMO, his input is always going to be more valuable than some strangers (even if they've been through yhe same situation.) Most other posters say they are the mom.

    Do you ask advice online before speaking to your partner?

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    It depends. I really don't want to complain about MIL to my husband or ask about other ways to interact with my in laws (especially avoidance tactics lol) so I don't.

    Other people I talk with him about.
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    There are plenty of decisions I make without speaking to my partner. That is what trust is all about. If I had to run every decision I made by him it would be really inconvienant, he works all day, travels a lot, and is in school full time. Soooo......I have a lot of autonomy. I run things by lots of people, my DH, my Mom, my sister, my best friends. No man is an island.

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    I do a combination of both, but honestly most of the time I have already made the decision and I just "run" it by him.
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    Posting Addict Spacers's Avatar
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    Are you saying that these other women ask for advice online from others, but when asked when/if they will get their DH's input, say, "I'm the mom," as in, "I don't need his advice." ??? That's weird to me.

    That said, while I do believe that my DH's input is important, it's not necessarily *more* important than anyone else's, but maybe that's just me & my DH. He tends to be rather non-social, and he also doesn't remember anything from his childhood before about age 11 or 12, so he's not the best person to give advice about some things. I do NOT seek parenting or life-in-general advice from any family members on either side, and I don't have many close friends IRL, so yes, on the odd occasion where I'm not feeling confident about my own decision-making, I tend to ask online.
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    Posting Addict RebeccaA'07's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Potter75 View Post
    There are plenty of decisions I make without speaking to my partner. That is what trust is all about. If I had to run every decision I made by him it would be really inconvienant, he works all day, travels a lot, and is in school full time. Soooo......I have a lot of autonomy. I run things by lots of people, my DH, my Mom, my sister, my best friends. No man is an island.
    This exactly. My husband trusts that I make the right decisions; with or without him. It would be far too time consuming if I had to run EVERY single thing by him first.

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    I don't really understand the question...

    My DH and I trust each other to make the right decisions for our family. Smallish things we deal with as they come up, and bigger things we discuss. Sure, we seek outside input sometimes because it can be helpful.

    If you never consult your partner about anything, I'd say there's a problem. Likewise, if you have to consult his for every single thing, there is probably a problem.

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    I meant that they'll ask advice about parenting decisions that deal with other people and no one ever tells them to talk to their dh; not only little decisions but large ones. And when you bring up the dh, the posters usually say she's the Mom she should make the decision. But in my opinon, when you get advice from strangers (not family, but people on the internet) before you ask your spouse (the father of your children/son of person most women are complaining about/person you chose to live with the rest of your life) you are skipping an important step that could easily fix the problem/make the decision.

    For example: A MIL says something about a parenting decision that a mom makes on her own that causes her to doubt the decision. So instead of talking about it with her dh, she goes on the mommy board to get validation from the strangers on the internet.

    Or a doctor tells her something needs to be taken care of and she doesn't feel like he's right; instead of getting a second opinion from another doctor or talking to her dh, she starts a thread getting medical advice from strangers on the internet.

    One person actually posted asking if she should take her daughter to the emergency room depsite the fact that her dh had told her (he was at work) to take the child in because she had a head injury and wasn't acting normal. It took like 10 posts before she replied she'd take her in. Shouldn't her dh's decision over the phone concerning his child's health have had more impact on the decision than the 10 posters (who were appalled she was asking and not taking the girl in).

    Are we as a society becoming too reliant on the internet to the detriment of some of the trust we have for our IRL family and friends?
    Last edited by wlillie; 05-01-2012 at 03:14 PM.

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    Posting Addict Spacers's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by wlillie View Post
    And when you bring up the dh, the posters usually say she's the Mom she should make the decision.
    I have a feeling that, with that attitude, those women might find themselves as a single mom in the not-so-distant future. Parenting for most us is a joint venture, and big decisions should be made jointly. Dismissing the co-parent of your children as a decision-maker is horribly disrespectful.
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    This seems like some sort of personally directed debate.

    I'm selfish enough that I just don't care how other people make their decisions. Most people who turn to the internet or strangers for answers to their medical or emotional or parenting problems as a first resort are probably morons anyway. THe problem with people who rely on the internet for things like that is that many of them have no good or real relationships with family or friends.

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