DH issues (LONG) Update in Post 1

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xMyLovelyLadyBumpx's picture
Joined: 02/17/11
Posts: 1198
DH issues (LONG) Update in Post 1

So DH and I have been having marital issues, many stem from before the pregnancy and were just buried in the excitement of having a baby when we thought we wouldnt be able to.

He left me when I was pregnant with Kaylee for 2 other woman, then thought about leaving for his best friend Amanda after we had got back together. He continued to lie and hide the fact they were friends after I told him I didnt approve especially since he was going to leave me for her and that she has said hurtful things to him about himself, me, and our children (really who in the h-e-double hockey sticks insults a baby?!) Every time I would catch him and he would say never again and still do it. Finally when I was a few months pregnant with Ro (3months into our marriage) I caught him once again and told him if he did it again I would leave and file for divorce. I mean I am and was so sick and tired of being 2nd place to this witch!
He has since found a new best friend also a girl who WAS this other girls BFF. Ugh! Ive caught them talking about sex not like "I want you" type things but still with your buds/dudes whatever fine I mean I talk to my female friends about it but I draw the line at talking about this stuff with another woman regardless your relationship with her. He thinks Im being silly and overracting because its "his friend and its JUST talking and texting" -eye roll-

Im still working on trusting him again and its hard because his promises mean crap since he never keeps them, and still lies about everything from smoking to who he is with or talking to.

The first 2 weeks after Rowan was born were great(shockingly so). He was helping me take care of the housework and the kids, never complained (another shocker). Now he complains about EVERYTHING, from spending time with us to me asking him to take the trash out on his way out the door. He is always yelling and getting short tempered with Kaylee, even after 30 seconds on entering the door or waking up. He wont help with chores or the kids unless forced, and when I say forced I mean like me flat out refusing to help.

Ive suggested marital counseling and at first he agree'd then turned around and said he didnt trust doctors and didnt need help in managing his relationship so I dropped it for a while. When I asked again he said ok then did the same thing and said he didnt want people in our relationship who werent in it.

We also had a HUGE fight about disapline for the kids. He is a hardcore believer in spanking for all offences no matter how small. I am anti-spanking. He said while watching a show where this boy talked back to his mother that if our kids did that he would hit them in the face. I was so appauled and taken back by this that I almost left then and there. We talked about it twice since then and he stands by what he said because his dad did it to him and his brother and they are just fine...(Yea ok mr hot head)
Example of his dads disapline: he took a metal broom full force swing to DH's and his little brothers HEADS because they were arguing over a game. His dad brags and laughs about this.

Im just at a loss, he isnt the same person I met 4 years ago... ): Im just confused, I dont know how to handle this or fix it. I thought maybe I was over reacting and I could just forget it all, but I cant.

Im suggesting Marriage Counseling again tonight, Ive even already found someone we could talk to. Beyond that...heck if I know.

I dont know what I expect from you ladies, I just needed to vent and let it all out.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------UPDATE:
Last night I went out with a friend for the first time since Ro was born for more than just a 15min trip to the store. We went to get dessert and get a few things for when I finally have my own space lol. I got both kids ready for bed; fed them, cuddled them, read stories, changed their bums, yadda yadda. I bf'd Rowan, stuffed him to the brim the pumped for just in case. Let him and his cousin go to the store and get some games from redbox. So we leave and of course like a nervous momma Im checking in with him. After being out for about 2hrs I check my fb real quick and see his status saying he is getting drunk...with my precious babies in his care. We left the store and sped home..Both kids still asleep thank goodness but he is wasted and so is his cousin. I was furious, my friend grabbed Rowan from his baby swing and realized he leaked, I checked on Kaylee, we went in my room, turned the baby monitor on in Kays room and just about knocked him out when I saw him in the hallway. I bf'd Rowan and my friend decided to stay the night so that I wouldnt be alone. DHs dad came home wasted from the bar and they were up until 5ish yelling instead of talking waking the babies...

Im soooooo mad. I wanted nothing more than to deck them all in the face last night. I was so mad I nearly called the police on my Husband for child endangerment. I cried out of frustraion and all the what ifs ran through my head. I cant believe he would do something like that.

I left him alone last night and laid into him this morning. He rolled his eyes said I was over reacting and left for work. I later text him telling him I was furious and this wasnt over. He text back trying to make me feel sorry for him. I dont even want marriage counseling anymore, I just want to leave him. I cant believe he would endanger our children like that. Im NEVER leaving them with him again, he is no longer a suitable parent in my eyes.

TyrantOfTheWeek's picture
Joined: 12/26/05
Posts: 1147

I'm sorry Sad
He sounds like an immature douche canoe. If he isn't agreeing to therapy because he doesn't see a problem, there unfortunately isn't much you can do.

RonanTheBarbarian's picture
Joined: 05/10/10
Posts: 1084

Thats not ok. The most important thing first of all is your and your kids' safety- so if you are ever concerned about that I'd say there's no question.
It seems like he is overwhelmed with his life and needs to get that under control himself. I wonder if he understands that you and your kids are a forever commitment- and extremely rewarding and important. I wish you could just somehow get it into his head that he is missing out on such precious and fleeting moments of the babies as babies in not wanting to help with them.
I'm so sorry!
I also agree its not ok that he talks to that girl about sex- whether its flirty or not, thats crossing the line and is often when lines start to blur. I hope your talk tonight goes well- keep us posted Sad
Hug those beautiful babies of yours and focus on them whenever you can!

Kier's picture
Joined: 03/12/12
Posts: 1973

:lurk:

My husband went through some of the same kind of things over the years. Just after I found out that I was prego with DS2, we moved. I was out with DS1 running errands, and had his phone with me since I lost mine in the move. His phone rang, and I answered it. It was this girl, asking how our move went, and if she could set up a play date. It was a girl that I had asked him to stop being friends with when we were dating because of her intentions not being platonic with him... it ended then, but then she had found him on FB that Feb (this was june) and I had told him I was not ok with him friending her. Any way, I pieced together that he had been emailing her since then, and that he had even taken our SON on a play date with her and her daughter while I was doing something with my sister, or a friend.... He had picked them up at her house, and they all went to the mall.. shared ice cream... I still get sick thinking about it. Any way, I called my sister, she said I could go stay with her, and then called and told my husband I was taking our son and leaving. He begged me to talk about it, so I agreed to pick him up from work. On the way there (about an hr. drive from where I was) I called the chick back and reemed her a new one. I told her how I had asked her to leave him alone those years ago, and what made her think it was ok now that we were married with a child, and another one on the way? also, that as a woman, how dare she interfere with a married man. And, that if she cared for him at all, even just as a friend, she would leave him alone. She hasnt contacted him since.

Needless to say, we have had our bumps in the road, and also struggled with trust issues for various reasons... this just being one of them.... though its the only time he actually cheated (not that it was ever physical, or not strictly platonic on his end... the fact that it was behind my back really makes it an emotional affair in my book).

Any way, this last summer things came to a head. I was sick of him putting me, and the kids, 2nd... of him lying about things, etc. I packed up all of his clothes into a bag... put his hanging shirts in a pile... packed up his toiletries, and waited for him to come home. I met him out in the garage, the kids were in the house so they werent part of it. I told him that I loved him, but that I needed space. That he was a great father, that I would never keep his kids from him, but that he needed to leave for a while. We ended up sitting and talking for a long time. Eventually deciding that it wasnt that him leaving the house wasnt the best thing right then. He moved to the couch putting his clothes in the laundry room, and I slept up in our bed. Over time, we realized that it wasnt that we needed a separation, but to pull away from the rest of the world and focus on our marriage, and our family. He did his own counseling, and I did mine... and we did a couple of sessions together. We also found books to read together (the 5 levels of intestacy, fighting for your marriage, etc.). We make it a point to find shows to watch together, or listen to audio books, or just sit and talk, once the kids go to bed. I have to say, our marriage, relationship, and family, have never been stronger. Marriage, like any relationship, takes continual work... from both sides.

I have a strict open book policy with my hubby. That I don't have male friends my husband doesnt know, approve of, or that he isnt part of. I also don't have conversations with them, or even with any of my girl friends, that I wouldn't feel comfortable having in front of my husband. My husband and I started off as best friends, and that's what we are back to now. We are open and honest with each other... and treat each other with love and respect.

In the end, you need to do what feels best for you. My suggestion would be not to give ultimatums, but to let him know that you have reached the end of your rope. That is time for him to buckle down and really commit to your marriage, to your family (counselling would show that hes starting to make that effort) but that if he cant do that, its time for a break. I found that packing up my DH's stuff gave me the courage to do it, and made it hit home for my husband how serious I was.

As far as the discipline differences go, I have found that you have to let your spouse parent in their own way. I agree that not letting it get to a point of abuse, and getting on the same page is helpful, but in the end, you do need to give him the freedom to parent his way. Discussing it in counseling may help also.

Just know, you aren't alone... many couples go through this. And, if it comes to you guys splitting up, you will be ok. Its not ok for him to treat you and your kids like 2nd rate citizens, for him to be leaving you for other women... making you feel bad, or having inappropriate relationships with other women you dont approve with. He needs to respect you, and if he cant do that, then he doesn't deserve you. In the end, you need to do what is best for you and your babies.

xMyLovelyLadyBumpx's picture
Joined: 02/17/11
Posts: 1198

Well I had a chat wih DH. I started off saying I had three ideas in mind and he can choose which he thinks is best and we will go from there. I told him we can either go to marriage counseling, I can leave and we'll have a trial seperation or we just head right for divorce if he has given up. He said none of that sounds good to him and I told him that unfortunatly if he didnt pick SOMETHING I would and since I cant force him to go marriage counseling that I would be moving out with the kids and he could see them on his dads off, after work ect.

He said he thought this was coming from no where that I had no reason to be so upset with him. I told him he was crazy because for months now I had been telling him I need him to step up and be my husband, be our childrens father 24/7 not just whenever it suits him. He blew up, started screaming, calling me names, saying I was just looking for a way out of our marriage. I told him if I wanted out I wouldnt be pushing so hard for us to get help before there was nothing left to save. We went in circles for about 2 hours arguing about everything under the sun.

I finally got him to chill out and I told him that his diapline was getting out of hand and that if it continued I would have no choice but to leave because its just not acceptable. That he sometimes hurts Kaylee or over punishes her for the little things. I told him I told him that shes only 3 and shes still learning about herself and us, its normal for her to test boundries its part of her self exploration and that shes in a phase where shes learning "hey I did something realllly bad but mommy and daddy still love me". I also pointed out that since he has started spanking she has begun to act out more, hit, bite, have screaming fits and nightmares. He cried and said he doesnt want her to end up hating and fearing him. I told him I think he needs anger management, he said he sometimes thinks so too.

Then we talked about how if things dont change in our marriage, if I dont become his number one again that there will be nothing to save and I refuse to stay in a marraige where I am 2nd. I told him I need his help caring for our kids, I need him to talk to me, to stop lying and to start taking care of us again. We have been living with his dad since he lost his better paying job after the economy went to crap. Me and his dad dont see eye to eye and its been almost 3 years now. Im ready to get out of here before I say things I cant take back. DH said that he is just stuck and doesnt know how to get out of the rut he is in. I told him that if he had been talking with me and working on this with ME then he wouldnt be alone in this. He said he doesnt like the idea of being "weak" around me and I told him that he was being silly and that there is no need for us to stress and worry alone.

We talked about much more also (money, moving, kids ect) Lots of crying (especially from me). At the end of the conversation he still hadnt made a choice and I said he had until the next morning to think it over. He stood there just staring that the wall for a long while and then turned to leave, as he walked out he said 'Ill do marriage counseling, I cant lose you'. I cried again and he went on a walk.

Since then I found 2 marriage counseling places that accept a sliding scale payment (which is great since I finally got him to agree to move out of this house!) I also applied for Section 8...I hate asking for help even from the government but I think our marraige and family needs its own place. Being so stressed by his dad and gf is just too much on an already rocky foundation.

He has been really great since the talk, however until its long term it doesnt mean too much. He got me flowers and a card that basically said he was so sorry he let things get this bad, that he wishes he saw how much he was hurting him, and that he will try anything to make this work. I hope this is our turning point and that we move on from this stronger and happier than ever.

hopinfor1again's picture
Joined: 06/27/10
Posts: 491

I'm so sorry that you are having problems in your marriage esp since you have a new little one. But it seems that your ultimatum might have worked. I haven't had any problems like this but I just helped a co-worker. Her husband was drinking himself to death and talking to another woman in emails. Well that morning he decided to run his car into a tree because she refused to go get him beer. So he said he was going to hurt her and went out and crashed the car. She made it to a neighbors house and called me from there. I told her she could move in here because I'm alone with hubby being deployed. She gave him an ultimatum finally. She had put up with this for a couple of years but it just got worse since late last year. Well she had never moved out and it really shocked him and scared him straight. She stayed with me almot 2 weeks but to be honest, I really hope it works. He hasn't drank since and is really trying to save their marriage. But she had never left him before, that was the turning point. I really hope things get better. Life is hard enough without throwing rocks under the wheels.

Kier's picture
Joined: 03/12/12
Posts: 1973

I understand what you mean about asking for help, but just remember, we all need help from time to time. And, it wont be forever. Its just to help you get yourselves in a better position. I'm glad you stuck to your guns, and that he seems to be seeing the light. I pray that this is your turning point, and that the change is permanent.

Joined: 11/23/07
Posts: 870

Lurking...

i read your whole saga and i feel for you. I experienced something similar with my DH last fall, it was awful. Its hard. its just hard. hard to decide what is best for yourself, your family, what you need, how you are going to approach this person who sometimes is so great but then just totally drops the ball and isnt even the person you know anymore. Especially hard when you are trying so hard to make them happy but they still keep looking for happiness somewhere else.

i wish you the best of luck, and i'm going to keep lurking for updates. my story is kinda pathetic myself and i'm not going to attempt to tell it here because its just way too long, but i want you to know that you are not alone, and i hope that you both can make the changes you need to be happy and keep your family healthy, whatever those changes may be.

Kier's picture
Joined: 03/12/12
Posts: 1973

"xMyLovelyLadyBumpx" wrote:

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------UPDATE:
Last night I went out with a friend for the first time since Ro was born for more than just a 15min trip to the store. We went to get dessert and get a few things for when I finally have my own space lol. I got both kids ready for bed; fed them, cuddled them, read stories, changed their bums, yadda yadda. I bf'd Rowan, stuffed him to the brim the pumped for just in case. Let him and his cousin go to the store and get some games from redbox. So we leave and of course like a nervous momma Im checking in with him. After being out for about 2hrs I check my fb real quick and see his status saying he is getting drunk...with my precious babies in his care. We left the store and sped home..Both kids still asleep thank goodness but he is wasted and so is his cousin. I was furious, my friend grabbed Rowan from his baby swing and realized he leaked, I checked on Kaylee, we went in my room, turned the baby monitor on in Kays room and just about knocked him out when I saw him in the hallway. I bf'd Rowan and my friend decided to stay the night so that I wouldnt be alone. DHs dad came home wasted from the bar and they were up until 5ish yelling instead of talking waking the babies...

Im soooooo mad. I wanted nothing more than to deck them all in the face last night. I was so mad I nearly called the police on my Husband for child endangerment. I cried out of frustraion and all the what ifs ran through my head. I cant believe he would do something like that.

I left him alone last night and laid into him this morning. He rolled his eyes said I was over reacting and left for work. I later text him telling him I was furious and this wasnt over. He text back trying to make me feel sorry for him. I dont even want marriage counseling anymore, I just want to leave him. I cant believe he would endanger our children like that. Im NEVER leaving them with him again, he is no longer a suitable parent in my eyes.

I think you are right. If this is the way you're feeling, then its time to leave. Is there anyone you and the kids could go stay with for a while? Even if its just till you can figure out how to get a place (maybe Seciton Dirol on your own? I would also let your Husband (DH just doesnt seem appropriate right now) that the only way he will see the kids is if he comes to where you are.

It sounds like you are really unhappy, and if you cant trust him, or his father, to act responsibly, then its time to get out.

lysa_v's picture
Joined: 06/17/10
Posts: 268

Lurker*

Wow, I am sooooo sorry you are going through this. I have been kind of keeping up with this post and I just saw your update.
I think you are absolutely right about NEVER leaving him with the kids again! And I am not in your situation, but if my husband did that, I would leave him. He obviously has immaturity problems and is never going to grow up.
Do what you think is best for you and your precious babies :openarms:
I really wish you the best of luck and hope you can either find some place to stay, or convince him to GTFO (pardon my french)

RonanTheBarbarian's picture
Joined: 05/10/10
Posts: 1084

So, what's happening now? That is horrible what he did- I'm SO sorry!

xMyLovelyLadyBumpx's picture
Joined: 02/17/11
Posts: 1198

Right now I am going back and forth between my Grandmothers and FIL's (Where we are living) I told him that until he takes the initive to get things on the right track I will NOT enable him or allow him alone with the children. Its become very clear he only cares about himself and that we are still second place. Ive started to do some research on divorce and family law in our state, because I think in the last 4 years Ive been doing 90+% of the work to keep everything together and I am just tired of being the only one trying all the time. Who wants to be with someone so lazy?! NOT ME