What would you do?

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Lily2006's picture
Joined: 05/16/11
Posts: 896
What would you do?

So, I got news that hit me like a slap in the face. Just found out my sister in law is pregnant. Of course it was announced in front of a whole group of people, so all I could do is say, "Oh wow! How exciting! That is absolutely awesome!" Don't get me wrong...I love her to death and I am excited for her...but she is 19 years old, and conceived on birth control pills. Funny how life works sometimes. After everyone left I sobbed for quite a while. I chalk it up to the clomid make me over react, but it still sucks. I am trying everything I can to be really happy for her, but it is so hard.

I am feeling extremely bitter because after the announcement every one was asking us, "so when are YOU going to get pregnant? You have been married a while, isn't it time?" I just said, "I don't want kids." Which of course was a lie, but what am I supposed to do, give them a sob story about how I can't have kids? Nah, we will stick with something simple....anyways....

DH bought me the book, "what to expect when your expecting" when we decided to ttc because we thought we would need it right away, since that wasn't the case I decided that I am going to wrap it and give it to her, some one that can actually use it. We have various baby items that I am going to give to her as well as a diaper stash that dh and I started thinking we would "get pregnant right away" Hopefully that makes up for the way I am feeling, because I feel guilty to be upset when she is so happy.

I threw away my prenatal vitamins, my BBT thermometer and my next package of Clomid because I am done. I cannot take it anymore. Now that I have gotten rid of everything that can give me a chance to get pregnant maybe after I heal for a while I can finally move on with my life that I decided will be child free.

I'm sorry I posted this and I am sorry it's long. If you read the whole thing, you for sure deserve a cookie. I don't need comforting or sympathy. I simply needed a place to vent and pregnancy.org is an awesome outlet. I will stay around here only because I like talking to you ladies, you all are wonderful women that deserve BFP's and I genuinely hope you all receive them in the near future Smile

CamelNoodle's picture
Joined: 07/28/04
Posts: 908

:bigarmhug:

Sorry that you are feeling so down. You have every right to feel jealous and mad and bitter and resentful and ...

We all deserve BFPs, even YOU. Hang in there. Maybe take some time off, focus on something else for a while. Later you can get back into it with gusto.

Janel

Lily2006's picture
Joined: 05/16/11
Posts: 896

Thanks Janel, that's exactly what I intend to do. We will see how I feel in 2 to 3 months, if I feel like I can try again, great! If not, I won't get bent out of shape. At least I will have a niece or nephew I can spoil, so that will help.

Joined: 03/02/07
Posts: 473

I pretty much quit the board hop a while back, but wanted to respond to your post. My situation is a bit different, but I have been through several rounds of the sadness/grief that are coming through your post.

It is totally okay to be feeling the way you are. Being faced with someone else's happy announcement is hard, when you want that something so bad. It just puts all that frustration/sadness/bitterness right up onto the surface. It doesn't mean that you are not happy for them, just that you are so very sad for yourself. Every person I know that has wanted more children since I've been TTC has had them, or is pregnant, and I've had to endure all these happy announcements while I've gone through a nightmare TTC for over 2 years. The timing is usually bad, like 4-5 announcements within a week of my failed IVF. It just makes you think, why not me this time? Don't put pressure on yourself to be happy for her right now, just focus on getting yourself feeling better. In time, you'll feel better able to put on the happy face for her.

A break, and getting all reminders of TTC/babies out of sight is a good idea. The best thing I did for myself after my failed IVF was to pack up everything TTC related. I completely took my focus off it for several weeks. It felt so good. I almost didn't want to start another IVF, but with my age related issues, it's sort of now or never for me. But, if you have the time, a good long break might do you wonders.

I can't imagine how hard it was for people to ask you about your pregnancy/baby plans when you are having such problems. Have you shared your struggle at all? It might be helpful to share with a few key people so that they can be more sensitive to you and not ask you such painful questions.

I hope you find some peace and healing in the next few days/weeks. This is just so difficult sometimes. Take care of yourself!

Jokr's picture
Joined: 04/19/12
Posts: 282

:bigarmhug:
Michelle, I'm so sorry. I know you don't need comfort or sympathy, but I still wish I could give you a hug.
It it totally OK and normal to feel angry, mad, bitter, jealous, betrayed, you name it. It must be so hard to look at them, and their obviously unplanned pregnancy, and have to feel happy for them, while dealing with the flood of questions about when you're going to have kids.

DH and I dealt with those questions non-stop for about the past 3 years, asking why we don't have kids, when we're going to start, and on and on and on (sometimes we would get asked 3 times a week!) but financially we couldn't do it - even though at that point not having kids was by choice, it still hurt every time we were asked.
If you're close to your family & your in-laws, can you tell them of your TTC struggles, and ask they give you a break from the constant questions?

Giving your SIL the baby items you have right now sounds like a good plan.....that way if you're taking a TTC break, you can have a fresh start when you come back to it.

I hope everything works out as best as they can, take care of yourself!

Joined: 12/07/10
Posts: 2421

:bigarmhug:

I'm so sorry your ttc journey has been so difficult. I totally understand the need to take a break for a little while. I hope that when you are ready to try again the journey is short and sweet!

two_love's picture
Joined: 12/13/02
Posts: 303

Michelle, TTC is an emotional roller coaster especially when you need assistance in TTC......clomid could have "contributed a little" to what you were feeling because that is extra hormone being pumped into your system...however; pain is pain and what you feel is real. I've been there and quit so many times...People sometimes don't understand that kind of pain because what you want is not an easy process.......A break will do you some good to refocus and gain control your emotion; meanwhile, VENT, CRY AND YELL get it all out......when you are ready to try again you will know and the excitement in ttc will be there again....... hugs and kisses

DrakePlusOne's picture
Joined: 06/29/09
Posts: 1889

Michelle, giant huge (((hugs))) coming at you. I truly do not understand why some have to struggle through this rough path of TTC when they deserve it SO much, and others just trip and fall on a baby. You are such an awesome person and I'm happy to have met you, but totally understand the need to take a break too. Thinking of you!!

-Marie

nidia's picture
Joined: 06/08/07
Posts: 1812

totally understand. I am sort of happy when I hear of others being pregnant but I still think "why can't that be me??" especially when it's not something that is planned. it definitely isn't easy. I have so many different emotions at the time.. I recently found out someone very close to me is pregnant and it was totally unplanned.. and I felt upset. I'm getting over it.. but I totally felt like I was riding a roller coaster! anyway, I'm also thinking of you girl and here if you ever need another listening ear Smile

Joined: 06/18/11
Posts: 1425

I am sending you BIG HUGS.

I don't always have the right words to say but I understand how you are feeling and I think a step back may help, as much as it sucks sometimes.

Leah261's picture
Joined: 09/14/11
Posts: 1244

It breaks my heart to read this Michelle because I know how hard it is. Sometimes I wonder if we even want to try again and I know we will but it's just so hard sometimes. Mother's Day sucked for sure. I'm the only woman in the family without a baby, including the cousin who had one at 19 and thought it was the best thing ever (accident of course) and neglects her child so much he's a disaster. Poor child clings to me and DH when we go over there like he knows something...Anyway, I know how you feel. And you should feel completely justified in doing whatever you feel right doing. Whether that's stopping for a while, stopping forever, or JLIH...whatever you feel the best about or whatever you feel you need the most is what you should do. Trying to have a baby can hurt so bad sometimes and sometimes you just need to be able to take a step back....I threw away my Clomid too after the third cycle. I think Clomid makes it harder to deal with but that doesn't mean at all that what you feel is not entirely justified and it is. I'm sending you giant hugs and prayers. I'm so sorry you've having to struggle like this.

Holly_Anne618's picture
Joined: 04/03/07
Posts: 1271

:bigarmhug:

mrs.doolittle's picture
Joined: 02/18/08
Posts: 1335

That's a hard pill to swallow. I completely understand wanting to take a step back and focusing on other things for a little while. We'll still be here if you're looking for a place to vent. :bigarmhug:

-kate-'s picture
Joined: 02/23/12
Posts: 460

Michelle-
I can understand completely. People always ask when we are going to have a baby. I am 31 & I realize that people wonder, but it does get tiresome. I think I may start using your response! I have definitely been in your shoes..with a pregnancy announcement like that. It is very discouraging to ttc for so long and not have any children. It makes you wonder if you will ever have a child. Anyway- I understand and I think taking this time away will be good. I have been on a ttc hold last month and this month. As you can tell, I haven't been on here very much. We are getting married in June and I want to feel happy and relaxed and be able to enjoy DF and hawaii. I can tell you...it feels great. So you will feel better in no time, with a break. People always say they get pregnant when they least expect it...when they stop trying. Maybe me and you will get a surprise BFP.
:bigarmhug: