The canoe race went pretty good. Randall and I came in last place in our division, but we didn't lose the whole race! It was a really nice day for it, so I am glad I did it with him.
Today we had a few people over. We had a bbq and rode Buck. Everyone seemed to enjoy themselves. I love getting together with others. It seems to put me in a better mood. We had hamburgers, hot dogs, beer, and cokes. The kids sure loved riding Buck. I am getting better about riding him. I know I have to toughen up in order for Ruthie to not be afraid. I want her to love horses and know how to ride at a young age.
I am a little worried about my BIL. It seems his drinking is just getting worse. My sister seems to be okay with it, but I know deep down, she isn't. I know it is taking a toll on her. My mom tries to get her to stay with him for the kids, but I totally do not agree with her. I think that is the worst reason to stay together. She isn't happy, so it isn't making for a happy home. That is the last thing those kiddos need. I feel so bad for her. I know she isn't happy and it takes a toll on her trying to stay happy for the kids. I just need to keep them in my thoughts and prayers.
Speaking of prayers, this is something I need to do more often. I am having a hard time deciding on what to do about churches. Randall and I grew up in totally different religions. I am not comfortable in the church he wants to go to. He didn't like my preacher. So, what do we do?? I mean, do I sit in a church where I don't agree with what they believe and do? Is that right? I know you don't have to go to church to be a Christian, you just have to know Him in your heart. I do, but I think that if I go to church, and get where I need to be spiritually, I will be a much happier person. I need to do this. I need to find a church soon. I want to be a better person.
Tomorrow, Randall, Ruthie, and I are heading to OK city and we are going to the zoo! I know we are going to have a good time. I just hope I remember to take the camera, and I hope it is going to be a good day.
Oh boy did we have fun in OK city! It was a much needed get-away! It sure was sweet for Randall to plan it! He was super sweet the whole time and we got to reconnect and figure a lot of things out. We have been fighting so much lately and not talking about things. We just watch tv and go to bed. We hardly ever talk about what is bothering us or what is positive in our lives. He told me he wanted to start doing family nights. We bought some board games and we played them when we got home. It was nice to talk and have things like they used to be.
The zoo was so much fun and Ruthie LOVED the monkeys, gorillas, and orangatans!! She cried leaving them. We also went to the Bass Pro Shop, Babies R Us, and Target. We had a wonderful time.
One thing we talked about that really excited me was planning for the next baby. He has been telling me that he wouldn't be ready for a few years, but now he said he might be ready by the end of this year! I don't think I am ready right now, but I might be by that time! I am so excited. It just made me feel better knowing he will be ready sooner than we thought!
I am so worn out. Words can not describe how stressed I am right now. Work is just getting worse and worse. They have switched me from the toddler room to the pre-school room. Not by choice. Things are a little rough at our daycare and we all got switched around. It truely isn't fair. The three who are not in trouble (me, Teresa, and Libby) are the three who are getting the shaft. We were the ones who were always being hounded on and we are the ones NOT in big trouble. Wish I could just throw that in her face!
We FINALLY decided for me to quit and put in my two weeks. Tomorrow starts my last two weeks. I am super excited, but nervous. I am ready to get out of there. I think it is for the best. Things are going downhill fast and I don't want to be rolling with it. I have put up flyers around town and I have got a few calls, but those were just asking questions. I need at least 4 full time children. I really hope I can get them soon. If not, I am going back to work at Sonic till I find those children. I am hoping and praying it doesn't lead to that.
This weekend was fun, but I think I need to start slowing things down. I go all the time and never rest. Like I should be in bed, but I feel I have more important things to do. I just can't figure things out. Friday, Libby, Kenneth, and Kameron came over a watched movies with us. They left early though. Saturday, Randall, Ruthie, Grandad and I went to see Dad and Darlene. We had a WONDERFUL time up there. We got home late. Today, my mom tells us she bought two new horses and we have to keep them at our house. Not a big deal, just Randall had to fix a few fences and we were stressing about it. We also went out on the boat fishing and it really wasn't too much fun. See what I mean? All I do is go, go, go. When will I ever learn to stop
I just hope works goes better tomorrow. I am in need of a good day. Things might get sorted out, but more than likey they won't.
Only 3 more days of work at the daycare! WOO HOO! I soooo need to quit this job. The daycare itself is going downhill fast.
I am going to take the next week off, and if I still don't have any kids, I am going back to Sonic.
Ruthie has been sick the last two nights. Poor thing. I had to take her to work with me, well, I chose to b/c of her fever. If I hadn't, I would have had to go pick her up anyways. When I took her to see Miss Steph to pay her, Steph cried. It broke my heart. I didn't know she cared THAT much about Ruthie. I know Ruthie just adores her. I just want to be at home with her soooo bad. I just hope it is the best for her.
Easter went well. My mom was kind of being a party pooper, imagine that! My whole family came to my house and we had Randall a small party for his b-day and we hunted eggs inside. It was fun. That night we went out to eat with Steph, Skeeter, AJ, and Grandad. That was nice. We went to church with Grandad Easter morning. All and all it was a good Easter.
Day 2 of being unemployed. As much as I hate to say it, I am LOVING it! I just wish we could make it off his wages. I would love to just be a SAHM! He would too, we just can't afford it! I got two phonecalls last night, and another girl asked me some questions. One of the phonecalls was a definate no. She wanted me to keep her kid until 7 pm! I don't think so! I want some alone time too.
Randall is off today and the next 2 days. I hope we get to spend some quality time together. We need it so bad. He's out mowing the lawn right now and I am just messing around on the computer. Ruthie is asleep. She has been making us laugh all day long.
I went and said goodbye to my kiddos today. They didn't understand, but Wyatt keep saying, "I go with you." And when I told him to ask his mom, he said, "where's your phone, call mommy." I love that little boy so much.
Today was the owl memorial. I enjoyed it so much. It was so bittersweet. I love for our town to be remembered, but I wish it was for something other than the consolidation.
Randall is back on nights. We had a good 3 days off together. Ruthie has been awful the past 2 days. I don't know where my sweet independent girl went. I think she is teething. She's still eating well, so I am not sure that is the problem.
Joe & Alisha are having a girl! I am so excited! They are going to name her Josie Etta...I think that is how they are going to spell it. Ruthie will have a little girl close to her age to play with!
I still don't have any kids. I have had quite a few calls, but no kids. I go back to work at Sonic Monday-Wednesday. I am going to keep 3 kids Thursday and Friday, but only for those days. Sharie might be getting me to watch Lupe's 2 kids. I wouldn't mind. I just need some kids!
Well, Ruthie is making a mess in her drawers, so I better end this right here.
Guess it is about time I get back to this. I am finally a SAHM! Guess I could say it's about darn time. I am watching a little boy who is 14 months old. I start with him on Tuesday. On Wednesday, I am meeting a lady with a 13 month old daughter. I am hoping she will sign on with me too. After that, all I need is one more kiddo until August when I get Simon. Sonic was kind of nice b/c of the tips, but that is it. I feel really guilty for quitting so quickly, but she knew it was coming soon.
Let's see....what has happened lately???? Ruthie fell and buster her lip good. Poor thing. I felt like such an awful Mommy. It is a big fat lip. She is saying quite a few words now. She says, "yee haw", "baby", "peek-a-boo", and some more. She is just a doll and makes everyday worth living. She is my pride and joy.
Last night we went over to Becky's and had some margaritas, beer, and tacos. It was a really nice night. Ruthie didn't want to go to sleep, but I don't blame her. There was too much going on with all the kiddos.
Friday night was the company bass tournament. Randall entered the both of us. We took out the boat and had a really good time. The two fish we caught weren't big enough, but we had a blast reeling them in. Afterwards, they sent us to Porkey's. We had a few free beers and a free dinner so that was really nice! Sue kept Ruthie so I didn't have to worry about her. We just picked her up at about 10:30 and we all went to sleep when we got home.
My Mom & Dad FINALLY got the pool they have been waiting on for SOOO LONG! I am super excited about that. They are going to get so tired of Ruthie and me this summer!
This whole SAHM thing is awesome. I have always wanted to just be at home with Ruthie and now I am able to. She is getting so much better with L. It is crazy b/c she was having such a rough time at first, but she is adjusting so much better than I thought she would. She is offically off the paci! WOO HOO! She hasn't had it in a while. We did really good, and she did too. L is having a rough time, but it's going to get better. He cries for about an hour in the mornings, but afterwards, he's fine. He doesn't like me to get out of his sight though. Ruthie was the same way with Mrs. Steph.
This Sunday is Mother's Day. All I really want is a license plate that says, "Ruthie's Mommy" or "Proud Mommy 2 Ruthie" Something along those lines. I don't want much b/c we don't have much money. I think us kids are going to get Mom something for the pool. I think she would LOVE that. For Susan, I think we will get her some flowers. That's all Randall wants to get her. Not sure why, but oh well.
Being a SAHM with extra kids here makes for a long day. I am not complaining, but I feel like all I do is clean, clean, clean. I have to vacuum, keep the floors looking good, always have dishes done, always have laundry done. I guess it is harder than I thought, but I would never change my mind, unless I could just do it with Ruthie only.....but then she wouldn't interact with other kids, and I think that is very important.
Mother's Day was a very nice day. We went to the park. Everyone was there but Joe and them, Mike, and Rose. Mom bought me some beautiful earrings and a necklace. Sharie got me the sweetest journal that had sister memories in it. It made me cry. Randall got me 10 tans. I need to get started!
Ruthie is growing up so quickly. It breaks my heart. Where in the world did the time go??? Today she did a few things that made me realize how grown up she acts. We were walking outside and I told her to wait. She stopped and reached her hand backwards without looking b/c I didn't want her going down the steps by herself. She is saying more words everyday. Her latest one is "peas" (please). It has to be the cutest thing ever! She brightens my day everyday.
As far as daycare. My one little boy, L, didn't show up today or yesterday. I hope everything is ok. We can't afford to lose him. I just worry so much about money and I hate it.
Randall is working tonight. At least it is his last night. I am cleaning the house up real nice tonight. I am vacuuming every floor and I am mopping the dining room and kitchen. I will be super worn out, but hey, I already am. Last night was a long night. I had to take Sharie to the hospital b/c of her back. I feel so sorry for her. Rose left out Saturday.
Well, nothing much else has happened. Guess this is it.
Ok, where did I go? Where did the happy Sadie go? I am in a funk right now and I can't seem to get out of it. It seems to keep happening and I deny it all the time. I am so not the person I want to be. I just don't seem happy anymore. I complain about everything. Randall never wants me. Is it b/c I am fat? Is it b/c I am negative? What is wrong with me? I just want to sit here and cry my eyes out. It's almost 12 am. I need to be in bed, but my heart is aching. I want to be the old Sadie, the happy Sadie. I love Randall and Ruthie so much, but I don't feel the love from him anymore. I really, truely don't think he loves me like he used to. Am I crazy? I don't know. I don't know where he went either. He disappered way before I did, that is for damn sure. I just don't know what to do. I guess I will just grab the pillows and lay on the couch.