Amber: She actually has his last name, just hypenated with mine. Thats why the MC . Even though he did this rather quickly he is really trying to help me out. He is going to give me $850 a month while in bootcamp and $650 a month afterwards. I mean that is more then enough, and he has been great about that aspect. Em's NJ family care runs up in august so then thats when she'll be put under tri-care. Also, he is going to let me claim her so I can get in earned income credit...So money wise he is being wonderful.
I got my new car. It is beautiful!! I love it. Thursday night I am having a HUGE party for stephen. Em is going to spend the night at my dads and I am going to make sure we go out with a bang. I have also put together a photo album with pictures from the time we met up until about 2 nights ago....I am just SO scared he is going to lose these pictures. I would be devestated. I guess thats all for now. I really love you guys, I'd feel so alone without you all.
Stephen hasn't left yet, Well....Beause...His DV charge came back to bite him in the ***. We werent worried about it because when he got his background check for the dept. of corrections it didn't show up, and there were no issues, but the army caught it. He is still eligible, but it just delayed things a bit. I guess I am happy to have him around longer, not so much for myself but he is alot of help with Em. He actually stopped working at the prison last week (the day before we thought he left, We actually didnt find out till that AM he wasnt going) so he has been dealing with the brunt work with Emma, so its giving me a nice break.
Anyway, New York was a good time. Not as much fun as I thought, but nice none the less.
My car is super duper cool, I will post pictures soon.
Things are still going with C, Just getting to know him better.
Things are going good. I have being feeling so odd lately.
Stephen has been so nice, and has been trying to make this amazing effort to make our relationship work. The crazy thing is, I have no interest in a relationship with him at all. I would LOVE to live with him, and be a 'family', I guess....but, I am feeling one thousand times more satisfied with myself now that I am alone. I don't care what he does, I don't care if he sleeps in bed with me, I don't care if he calls when he is out, I don't care if he doesn't want to spend time with me. I can't even begin to explain how truly freeing that feeling is, really. Just being satisfied with me, is enough. I feel so light....instead of this twenty lbs weight on my shoulders. I can come and go as I please...I can be me. Its amazing.
I want the best of both worlds, I want that best friend...That partner, and that great father. I just don't want to be anyones girlfriend or wife at the moment. Its totally horribly selfish, but I can do what I want and I am going to.
I dedicated three complete years of my life to that man and our child, and what did I get in return? Nothing. Nada. Zip. Not even the feeling of being truly loved, and I am done.
You could never know what it's like
Your blood like winter freezes just like ice
And there's a cold lonely light that shines from you
You'll wind up like the wreck you hide behind that mask you use
And did you think this fool could never win
Well look at me, I'm coming back again
I got a taste of love in a simple way
And if you need to know while I'm still standing you just fade away
Don't you know I'm still standing better than I ever did
Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid
I'm still standing after all this time
Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind
I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah
I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah
Once I never could hope to win
You starting down the road leaving me again
The threats you made were meant to cut me down
And if our love was just a circus you'd be a clown by now
It's amazing that an EJ song would totally describe how I feel about S & our breakup. For our first Valentines day he took me to the EJ & BJ face to face tour. We both adore them. Its almost ironic that we fell in love to their music, and here I am healing to it as well. Craziness. Will update more later.