Ok, here's my new journal. I feel kind of crazy for starting an online journal but just maybe it will help me to be able to write things out. You know, work things about mentally and stuff. Here's my problem. DH and I have decided to separate. Only, it's not going to happen anytime soon. Couple of reasons for this. One reason, I'm pregnant with Baby #2. How many messed up couples decide to separate when the wife is 10 wks. pregnant? Another reason is money. Oh, I'm making our story sound basic. It's not that simple though. I don't have time to write the whole saga right now. That will come in due time. I just wanted to write my first entry and get this journal set up. Honestly, I don't want to separate. Maybe, hopefully we can work things out. We've decided that the earliest we can legally separate is during the Summer of 2005. Man, I sound like a nut. I've been crying all morning. This situation is so messed up. I'll write more later.
Ok, I know that I just typed my first entry today but I had to post again. So tonight I'm in bed and I'm feeling like crap. Asking myself "Why" and thinking about what to do with this pregnancy. What hurts the most is that I really love DH and I really want to stay together. I've been trying to work things out for the past 2 years though. In a way I give up. He told me tonight that he just doesn't want to be with me anymore. It's not my fault so he says, but he hasn't been happy for a long time. I know that it's stupid to bring a new baby into this mess. Damn, we had a major talk on May 26. At that point I was ready to split up, or atleast start working toward it by getting a job at nights so I could bring in extra money and still take care of our son during the day. I love being a SAHM. Then I guess I scared DH since I was dead-set about leaving. He wrote me this really nice note saying that he was sorry for the past 18 months and that he wanted to try to work things out if I was still willing. He also told me that we could TTC. Stupid me, I listened to my heart and I believed him. Why? I was ready to separate then. I've wanted to have a second child for years though. DS is already 3. Why did I believe him? SO we decide to try and work things out on May 26 and on June 25 I'm holding a positive pregnancy test. I wait a week or so before I tell DH. Honestly, I'm thrilled to be pregnant. So I finally tell him around 5 1/2 wks. He's not happy about it, but he doesn't act mad either. I jsut remind myself that he doesn't like the whole pregnancy/new baby phase, but he'll become more interested once the news settles. For the next couple of weeks he doesn't mention the pregnancy. We don't tell anyone about it. I'm afraid to bring the topic up. I finally confront him about it today and everything hits the fan. The main reason he doesn't want another baby is because he will have to stay with me then. Yep, that's what he said. So we make this stupid semi-agreement that we'll officially separate during the summer of 2005. That way he's sticking around and supporting me during the pregnancy and the baby's first year. Then I get a job, DS goes to kindergarten and new baby will go to daycare. That's not what I want though. I want to stay at home with my children. I don't want to live with him for the next two years and not be able to think/treat him like my husband. I don't know what to do and I have bo one to talk to about this. Naturally the word abortion came up, but I honestly can't do that. I just can't, but why did he agree to TTC if he didn't want another baby? I can't live like this for two years. We'll be 34 when we separate. Why? After 7 years of marriage? I keep thinking that we're just going through a stressful period, young parenthood, and that it will get easier if we just stick it out. He just doesn't want to be with me though. I'm trying to stay positive, that everything will be ok, and that it will be nice for DS to have a sibling.