Super original name for a blog, right?
So, I'm Ally.
I hate trying to describe myself. My personality, what I look like. I really do. I mean, how can I possibly do so without sounding either egotistical or self-deprecating? So I will skip that part of the introduction and if you don't know me already then can pick up on it as we go.
As for what my life is like ~ That I can do.
I am 24 years old. I've been married for six years to my high school sweetheart. We have two daughters, ages 4 and 2.
My husband works.
I stay at home with the girls.
I have a lot of people who say, "But that's still working! You have to cook and clean and yadda, yadda, yadda." I'm going to be honest here, though. If it were such hard work, then I wouldn't be able to spend half of every day on pregnancy.org talking with my friends. I have a very free life. When I want to, I can spend hours playing with my girls or dancing with them or just watching them act silly. Or I can read a book all day long. I can write or paint or sew or garden or go on walks to the park with my dog and my girls or listen to every song that I love. Or I can watch hours of Doctor Who. My girls and I love watching Doctor Who. If you also love Doctor Who (the new series, in particular), then we would probably make good friends. Unless you spend your time writing fan fiction about it. People who write fan fiction freak me out a little bit. It's like, come up with your own characters, people. I don't really want to read about your bastardized Doctor, or even know that he exists...
Nerd ranting, even. That's got to be worse.
Right, so, basically, I have a very good life. There are not a lot of rules to it. Not a lot on constrictions to my time. There are few things that I must do every day, and they are:
1) Wake up when the alarm goes of to take my temperature.
2) Make my family breakfast, lunch, and dinner. (None of which are often very complicated.)
3) Shower at some point.
4) Spend some time with my husband so that he knows how much I love him.
That's it. And I love my life, though it could be more adventurous. No worries, though. I'm working on that part.
AND, the point of this bloggy-journal thing: I'm trying to get pregnant right now. It was a year and a month ago that my husband and I first started trying for our next baby. And we succeeded, for a time, in May of 2008. I was pregnant for 11 weeks before losing my baby. I don't know what the sex was, but we felt in our hearts that it was a boy. From day one we called it "The Little Prince". Like that was who our baby was and we KNEW it. And if you've ever read The Little Prince, you'll know why it was so ironic (and, somehow, expected) that he was lost. We named him Jude Eugene-James.
It was a very hard time in our lives. In fact, all of 2008 was a hard time in our lives. In future years, we'll look back at 2008 and say, "Thanks for NOTHING." I won't get into all of the crap that happened that year. Just know we lost Jude, and that was what the whole of the year revolved around.
Jude would have been due on February 13th, 2009.
I'll be testing to see if I'm pregnant this cycle (after 3 cycles of trying post-loss) on his EDD. I'm praying that it will be positive. But if it's not, I'm confident that God will carry me through that day.
I've noticed that a lot of the journals on here are from women who have had miscarriages. I think we may just have more that we have to get off of our chests. More fears. More anticipation. More riding on those two little lines or the strong heartbeat of a tiny embryo or doubling numbers that most pregnant women never think twice about. You don't hear much about miscarriage in day-to-day life, but it's everywhere. We're not alone.
Super excited "Hello!" to my CTC Girls! Hope I don't bore you all too much with More Of The Same.
And CTC Girls have my special permission to post on this journal if they feel so inclined. Just don't expect me to write back to you in the context of the journal itself.
Love ya all,
Totally had to butt in since I am a CTC girl (and you said I could) and just say that I'm so glad I get to stalk you here!
I can't wait to go through all of these next stages of our lives together and look back on them as well!
Lots and lots of love......XOXO!!
My body has me beyond annoyed today. It can't decide when it wants to ovulate. Rather than choosing a day and sticking with it, it keeps saying, "How about now? No. Today then? No, no, no. Next week?" Since I'm going to test on the 13th, I really need to get knocked up by the end of the day, or else I may not be far enough along to get a positive. And wouldn't that just make my day? My baby's due date and a negative pregnancy test? Lovely.
I'm irritable this morning. In case you can't tell. It makes for muddled thoughts and uninteresting journals. So I'll leave this here, and if later in the day I'm thinking clearly and rationally and have some brilliant words to offer the world, then I'll come back and post.
Don't hold your breath, though.
Last edited by allyinthevalley; 02-05-2009 at 11:56 AM.
This is a letter to Jen. Jen, I hope you don't mind that I'm making it public rather than just pm'ing you. I'm hoping that maybe someone else who needs to see this will.
I need to write to you today. I don't know at all what to say. But I'll write, anyway.
I dreamed of you last night - crying your eyes out - trying to make you feel better. Somehow, I should have guessed that I would wake up to find you having a hard day. Like God was preparing me for it. I would have liked your tears to be left in the dreams. It sucks so bad to see you hurting. You're like my long-lost-sister-who-looks-nothing-like-me, and I truly just want to know that you are happy. That you're okay.
Yesterday I went and saw my friend's newborn twins. Beautiful little miracles. The first I've held, or even touched, since my loss. And - God - I could have held them all day. February 1st, and I'm holding newborns, and I thought, "This is the day. This is when I would have had my baby." It was like God was letting me have just a taste of what should have been. Holding them, it was like a kiss from my baby on a day that I really missed him. Keep an eye open, Jen. Watch this month for the kisses that Kylie is sending you.
Today you wrote about the day you lost Kylie. I was crying after the first two words. It is... unfathomable... That anyone has to go through what you went through. That anyone has to see their greatest love broken. And the regrets of that day ~ I understand those all too well. I think we go through That Day so numb and shocked and scared. Not understanding. Not getting it. Not knowing how one minute we can be one of the lucky ones, and the next we're one of The Heartbroken. And we can't blame ourselves for that. Nobody warned us. Nobody said, "This could happen to you." And so many women are silent about their losses. It makes it impossible to know how common it is until it hits you. It's not fair that we feel guilt over that day. We weren't in control.
On the day of my D&C, I nodded to the doctor when she insisted on going straight to the o.r. I was too shy to ask for a copy of the ultrasound. I smiled (trying so hard to be strong) as I was wheeled in to operation. Everyone tried to be nice. I tried, too.
When I was coming out of the drugs, I was confused. The first thing I said to the nurse who was with me was, "Is my baby here now? Is he okay?" She looked at me sadly and said, "Only tissue, honey." I said, "Oh... Okay..."
In recovery I heard two nurses talking a ways away where they thought they wouldn't be overheard. They were saying, "She's taking it really well. She hasn't even cried." I let them believe that. I shouldn't have. I should have let them see my heart breaking.
I wondered, too, if everyone who saw me knew what had just happened.
I cried every time I passed baby clothes for months.
Now I can finally look at them with the bittersweet thought of, "My next baby will be SO SPOILED."
Jen, there will be a next baby. You and I will never forget our lost angels. We'll be old ladies sitting on a front porch together watching our Great Grandchildren play and I'll say, "Do you still think of Kylie, Jen?" And you'll tear up a little and say, "Every single day, Shosh." And I'll nod and know exactly how that is...
But, we will love the children that we have even more. Our miracles. After this, a baby is no longer JUST a baby. A child is not JUST another child. It's not a given anymore. Not taken for granted. It's the most amazing gift in the universe. We'll love more and laugh more and cry more and hold every baby more close and with more passion than ever before, Jen.
Forgive my disjointedness. Perhaps I should have thought this through and said it better. I just want you to know that I'm here with you.
Last edited by allyinthevalley; 02-05-2009 at 11:56 AM.
I love you Ally!
You shouldn't be having to try to comfort me today but I thank you from the bottom of my heart for doing it.
We are both hurting here and today you have lifted me up, I hope tomorrow I will be able to do the same for you, my dearest friend.
I believe there are angels among us, sent down to us from up above. They come for you and me in our darkest hour, they show us how to live and teach us how to give and guide us with the light of love.
This is a video that I came across on the blog of the wife of one of the singers from Selah. She found out at 16 weeks pregnant that her baby had things wrong with her and was going to die, but refused to terminate. She carried her as long as she could and gave birth to her by C-Section. Her daughter, shown in this video, lived for 2 and a half hours, which was a miracle in itself.
She wrote this song along with the woman who wrote "Held" that Natalie Grant sings.
Last edited by allyinthevalley; 02-05-2009 at 11:57 AM.
As a fellow CTC'er, I just want to thank you for letting us in, Ally. You are such an eloquent writer and I love reading your words. You say things that give me chills. I can't wait to follow you on your journey. I love you dearly.
Last edited by AngelLyndz; 02-07-2009 at 04:54 PM.
Today I feel like...
Like I can't do this anymore. It's been a year and a half since we started planning for our next baby. A year and a month since we started trying for it. And after all of the crap that 2008 brought for us, I had faith, REAL FAITH, that 2009 would be DIFFERENT.
But I'm not seeing any change. All I'm seeing is cold weather and friends hurting and what will most likely be an anovulatory cycle in the one month that I needed to get pregnant the most.
I prayed, and I meant it, "God let my friends get pregnant. Even if I have to wait for months to join them. Even if I can never have another baby. Please just let them get pregnant this cycle." And maybe He's listening to that. Maybe He's granting them their pregnancies because I've offered up mine. And that... That would be good. But I'm sitting here now and I'm starting to see just how important this is to me. And I wish that He would say, "No worries, Ally. You'll all get pregnant together this month."
I'm tired of temping. I'm tired of thinking EVERY SINGLE DAY, "Today must be the day." And I'm tired of sex, because I can only go so many times before I get sore and before I get tired.
My faith is being really stretched here.
I've shown my faith. I've shouted it from the virtual mountaintop. I've told EVERYONE how much God is going to bless us this month, because we've asked Him to. Because we've prayed without ceasing. And I thought, no I really BELIEVED, that this cycle would be perfect and...
I'm just ranting.
But I can't wake up to another low temp. Because I test in 10 days and... It's going to be a negative. I'm going to wake up on the day that my little boy was due and I'm going to know that there is nothing at all inside of me. I'm empty.
Last edited by allyinthevalley; 02-03-2009 at 11:22 AM.
Of course, you may.
Last edited by allyinthevalley; 02-05-2009 at 11:57 AM.