You are not empty. There is no way you could be. An empty person can not lift up a friend when she so clearly needed it. When I want to turn and run, when I want to give up, when I feel hopeless...YOU are there for me and you know the exact things I need to hear to help.
Ally, we will get this. It will be our time. Just as you are praying for the people around you to have their dreams fulfilled, I am praying for you. He is listening and he will hear our cry's. I am praying, for you.
I don't have any words of wisdom. No advice. Only this...let him work. Let him see you. When you are down, let him lift you up. Don't give up now. I need you, we all need you. Tomorrow will be a new day, it can bring answers. We are still going through this together and I am here, with you and for you!
Yesterday was NOT one of my good days. I felt so bitter and I was hurting all day. But, as often happens, God let me mope all day, and then at the end of it knocked me upside the head and said, "Look how lucky you are."
It's true I am. Where many people, people far more worthy than I, have struggled for years to get pregnant with just one child, I already have two. Where many women have suffered miscarriages in the second and third trimesters, or have had stillborn babies, or have lost their live born children, I lost my baby at 11 weeks. Where some women have lost one baby after another, or have lost twins or triplets, I've only ever lost one baby. And though I won't lie and say that hasn't hurt me, and that is hasn't changed me forever, I know that it could be so much worse and am obliged to count my blessings.
It's not that I don't want this. I do soooooooo badly. But because I have been blessed so much already, I know that I can WAIT. I can let this happen in God's time. I just have to put it in His hands and step back. Do my part. Do what I can. But in the end the decision and the timing is not my own. And I can't pretend that it is. I can't insist upon being able to control everything in my life, because it won't work. All it brings is heartache.
The funny and beautiful thing about this is that my CTC girls never point these things out to me. I go to them and I cry and they just lift me up. And they share everything about their lives and their lost loves and they bring me in with them and are so fantastic. Most people will never have that in their lives. How lucky am I that I do?
That being said, my temps continue to look stupid today, AND I'm spotting. I assume it's the sort of spotting that leads up to AF. Like my body is just saying, "It's not working this month. Screw it. Let's just start over again." And if that's what it is, that's okay. At least I'll have a fresh start.
Last edited by allyinthevalley; 02-05-2009 at 11:55 AM.
Another CTC girl here...
Ally, first off, I agree with Lyndsey. You are such a powerful writer. I just wanted to say thank you for your posts. You are touching so many people and helping them in ways you don't know, myself being one of those people.
I had a good temp spike this morning, which has me so entirely happy!! My girl Jen (<+>) thinks I must have O'd on CD 20 or 21, and those sound good to me.
I am so ready to just sit back and relax and let God take care of everything from here on out.
On another note, I have every intention of working out really hard this week. I have 8 DAYS until I test, and if by some miracle I see double lines on that day, I want to be at the lowest weight possible to start my pregnancy. Not that a week can do a lot, but every little bit counts.
There's just not a whole lot to say today. I'm just happy and optimistic. And I have a headache, but we'll just ignore that for now.
I feel like my emotions are on as much of a roller coaster as my temps. I'm so nervous right now, in a way that I very rarely experience. I woke up this morning, and taking my temperature my heart was racing. When I got up to put it into my chart my face was flushed. I just keep thinking and thinking about it. WHY CAN'T I JUST STOP THINKING?
The spotting doesn't help. It's on day three now. Every time I go to the bathroom, there's spotting. It complicates things. I'm sitting here trying to decide what day I ovulated on.
Can it be implantation bleeding? Three days of it? I've never even had a spot before, and now I'm looking at 3 days of spotting?
Could it be the beginning of AF? Really? This early, when I usually have long, drawn-out cycles?
Could it be, dare I say it, low progesterone? I have NEVER had a problem with spotting and low temps before! Why, all of a sudden, am I seeing these things now?
And my biggest fear, the one that has me pacing the floors, if it is low progesterone...
And if I did get pregnant...
What does that mean for the baby?
It doesn't stand a chance.
Hope. I totally have Hope. That today's temperature dip was an official implantation dip. That tomorrow morning, that temp will shoot through the ceiling. That the spotting will be finished because the tiny baby's burrowing is finished. That everything will be alright.
"Now Faith is being sure of what we Hope for, certain of what we do not see."
But tomorrow is 24 hours from now. And, meanwhile, I pace the floor.
Last edited by allyinthevalley; 02-06-2009 at 11:52 AM.
It is so easy to say, "I'm going to put this in God's hands," when things are going the way that you want them to. But when everything is going crazy and you can't make sense of any of it one way or another, you start freaking out and saying, "God! If You can't do this the right way, then I'm taking it back away from You!!"
As if that's even an option.
I find myself, now, struggling to release my own life and to just know that, in the end, all will turn out the way that it is supposed to.
My little sister is a huge drama queen, and she likes to fill her Myspace page with stupid quotes and little pictures, and generally I just skim right over them. But she had one on a while back that stuck in my head, though I've not tried to apply it to my life before this. It said, "Everything works out in the end. If it's not right, then it's not the end." And that comforts me. I just have to know that at the end of this journey, no matter how many mountains we have to climb or how many giants we have to fight, no matter how much heartache we must endure, at the end, everything WILL BE as it is meant to be. The ending will be a happy one.
This morning I was bummed, to say the least, at another luke-warm temperature. I snapped at my husband for no reason. I collapsed angrily on the couch. I refused to look at anyone. Then I put the temperature on my chart and, not expecting to find anything of value, checked my Myspace. And there were two messages for me. One from my husband encouraging me to be who I am and nobody else. One from a friend of ours who lives on the other side of the state. He knows that my baby was due this week because I blogged about it on my page. This is what he wrote to me:
"Hey, I'm sorry about what happened. I really have no idea what anything like that would be like, In truth I don't think I can fully understand it for what it is. I just hope ya know that Jessica and I are always here, in whatever capacity we can be or need to be."
How amazing is that? Two of my favorite boys in the world wrote me two letters of encouragement (albeit, about different things) to lift me up when I felt like I was bottoming out. It's not like they knew. It's not like they expected to change around my entire day. They were just letting me know that they love me. They were just reaching out with no clue of what it meant.
I pray, "God, please take care of this. Please help me get through this." He answers my prayers in ways that I don't expect. But He is still answering them. He's sending me comforts. He's holding me close. I'm getting through this, because He insists that I wait for the end. He promises me that when we get there, there will be fireworks.
Last edited by allyinthevalley; 02-07-2009 at 12:12 PM.
My spotting stopped this morning. I'm thrilled by that. I really am. But at the same time, my temp officially dropped again this morning to 97.22. I say, "officially" because I fell back to sleep, woke up an hour later, and temped again. (Obsessive, I know.) And by that point it was reading at 97.8-something. It seems like an awful big jump for only one hour. Especially since that one hour was spent sleeping. But I decided to be honest and put in my original temp and just hold on to that ONE LAST RAY OF HOPE that it will go up tomorrow.
When I woke up and saw that temp, I thought that I should be upset. That it should ruin my whole day and that I should be mopey again and crying and whining and grumpy. And for about two seconds I attempted to be that way. But it just didn't stick. This morning I just felt LOVED. Because there are so many prayers being said for me, because of the amazing husband who slept beside me, because of the God that's holding me, that was the only option for me today. To just nestle down into the warmth of love and leave it at that.
It's a much nicer way to feel. Being loved. Being comforted. Rather than feeling out of control and being driven half insane. I wish that everyone who is going through a hard time in the world right now could just wake up for one day and feel this way. That they could have one sunshiny morning where they know that even if nothing comes out right, that they are still the object of someone's affections.
Four days until I test.
The spotting started up again right after I wrote my entry yesterday, then stopped again this morning. Hopefully it will STAY away this time.
My temp went up, just a little bit, this morning. I had half-expected it to drop below coverline and bring on AF today, so I'm happy that it didn't.
I'm sure that all of my loyal followers ( ) are tired of reading about my minor temp drops and rises every day, and I apologize for the monotony of it all. It's just the rest of this week, and then it will all be behind me for at least another month. I swear that this is NOT my whole entire life. It's just what's sticking out at the moment.
Dyed my hair red (again) a few days ago, and Yari (<+>) requested pictures. So I oblige here, though there honestly isn't much to see. I wish I had the guts to dye my hair blue. For some reason, my whole world is revolving around the color blue right now. It feels like it matches me perfectly at the moment. Some day, perhaps, when I've left behind the constricting suckiness of Montana.
On to pictures:
I'm right under the light here. Thought it would help show off the color better. It didn't.
Color shows a little bit better here:
There now. Wasn't that exciting?
Ohhh love the color Ally, you look so dark and mysterious in that first pic, kind of devious!
By the way....if you are focused on your temp dips and jumps, so are we! This is your journal, you can post whatever you and want and you know we'll still read it!