Oh Ally what a fab day for you and the girls and THANK YOU for sharing the pictures... Glad to hear you are o'ing and know that we missed you yesterday!
- 11/18/08, 12/21/08, 04/13/09 ectopic
Ally, I so hope you are Oing. what a CRAZY cycle for you but having gone through it and to just NOW be Oing seems so very, Ally ish!
Sweetie, I hope this is it for you and all this worrying will be laid to rest in approximately 2 weeks.
What a WONDERFUL day you spent with your girls. It sounds perfect! Makes me want to go pick my neices up right now and hang out with them ALL day!
Hope you don't mind that I do this. Ally, you are in my thoughts and prayers today, constantly.
Although I never got the chance to meet you, it feels almost as though I did. Your mommy has become such an important part of my life and because you are not here with us on earth, we all know you are reaching out your tiny little hand to her today to give her some strength and pull her through this.
In your parting here on earth you touched lives and brought people together so that we would all know, we weren't alone. You taught us just how much love we had in our hearts.
You keep Kylie company up there and don't get into too much trouble together. Listen to god and do exactly as he asks.
Lord, please watch over Ally today and give her son an extra long hug, just from her. They both need it.
Today's the day.
And I don't feel bad. Not at all. I'm looking forward to the day. Celebrating it with silent, bittersweet happiness. The girls are going to a babysitter's tonight, and Matt and I will be having dinner and releasing balloons. I'm going to write Jude a short letter and send it up with them.
I prayed that God would give me a BFP on this day, thinking that it was the only thing that could possibly console me. (And, just to be sure, I tested, and was not the slightest bit surprised to see snow white where that second line "should" be.) But God has chosen to do His consoling in His own way. I feel His peace all around me. I feel utterly secure in the fact that what happened was, indeed, meant to happen. That in the end I will be able to see the Bigger Picture. And a bit of a temperature jump this morning gives me hope that I ovulated yesterday, that I did catch the egg, and that on this day, OF ALL DAYS, a new life has started inside of me.
If I have cried any tears this morning (and I have), they haven't been from pain. They haven't been out of mourning. They have been for joy at seeing how much my friends care about and love Jude and me. I am exceedingly thankful for the people that I have met on this board, for the love they've completely surrounded me in, and for the bonds formed here that can't ever be broken. This was a gift to me, from my little lost baby, from my God who understands that which I never will.
This loss continues to change and shape my life in ways that I could never have predicted. Because of it, my life will be fuller, my children will have more opportunities, my husband's and my marriage was strengthened a hundred fold at a time that it needed it desperately, I can feel empathy (EMPATHY) where I couldn't, give advice where I wouldn't, and know with unwavering faith that I am STRONG.
Jude did more good in his weeks here on earth than many people do in their DECADES. I will FOREVER love him and miss him. I will ALWAYS wonder, "What could have been?" But I would not go back and change what happened. Who he was made me who I am today.
"People have stars, but they aren't the same. For travelers, the stars are guides. For other people, they're nothing but tiny lights. And for still others, for scholars, they're problems. For my businessman, they were gold. But all those stars are silent stars. You, though, you'll have stars like nobody else."
"What do you mean?"
"When you look up at the sky at night, since I'll be living on one of them, since I'll be laughing on one of them, for you, it'll be as if all the stars are laughing. You'll have stars that can laugh!"
And he laughed again.
"And when you're consoled (everyone is eventually consoled), you'll be glad you've known me. You'll always be my friend. You'll feel like laughing with me. And you'll open your windows sometimes just for the fun of it... And your friends will be amazed to see you laughing while you're looking up at the sky. Then you'll tell them, 'Yes, it's the stars. They always make me laugh!"
Today I can finally say that the stars will make me laugh.
I love you.
For me, this is the loveliest and the saddest landscape in the world. It's the same landscape as the one on the preceeding page, but I've drawn it one more time to be sure you see it clearly. It's here that the little prince appeared on Earth, then disappeared.
Look at this lanscape carefully to be sure of recognizing it, if you should travel to Africa someday, in the desert. And if you happen to pass by here, I beg you not to hurry past. Wait a little while, just under the star! Then if a child comes to you, and if he laughs, if he has golden hair, if he doesn't answer your questions, you'll know who he is. If this should happen, be kind! Don't let me go on being so sad: Send word immediately that he's come back...
Oh Ally that was BEAUTIFUL jsut know that you are in my thoughts and prayers today and ALWAYS MY FRIEND....
All of your children are so LUCKY to have such a wonderful, caring mom that so loves them!!!!
- 11/18/08, 12/21/08, 04/13/09 ectopic
On my way to work today there was a bundle of balloons that were floating in the sky. I automatically thought about you and your lil Jude. I prayed that you would b a-okay today and that Jude would feel the love of all of us <+> on this special day.
We love you Jude and we are trying our best to take care of your Mommy! She is such a great friend and I am sure that when you two meet you will love her warmth, humor, and honesty.
I was getting tired of my long cycle.
I was starting to pray that it would just, PLEASE, end and I could get on.
I kept looking at my chart saying, "What on EARTH does all of this mean?" and "If that spotting wasn't implantation bleeding, then what WAS it?"
And it occurred to me that maybe, just maybe, my body saw that it wasn't O'ing and MAYBE was trying to reset. Maybe it was a really lame little AF.
So I put the first day of spotting as light AF, and, sure enough, when my chart was split it give me one anovulatory cycle and SOLID crosshairs on the other cycle.
Which give me hope again.
Not a ton.
Because I'm afraid that screwy cycles means screwy eggs that will either be too old to make a baby, to underdeveloped to make a baby, or have the wrong sort of lining to implant into.
Or maybe God knows just what He's doing and I just need to sit back and watch Him work it out.
Wish me luck!
Last edited by allyinthevalley; 02-15-2009 at 04:19 PM.