Today we're leaving to go on a trip. Technically it's a business trip for Matt, but as I have no plans I thought the girls and I could tag along. We're going to the city my dad lives in and Matt's sister lives in, so it should be nice to spend some time with them.
Not sure how I'm going to deal with 3 days away from the CTC, though.
Though I will probably kick myself for this in the future, I'm not bringing my thermometer along on the trip. I'm just going to have a break from it. I wouldn't, of course, but I'll be staying with family and really don't want them to ask why I have to be woke up at exactly 7 o'clock every morning to take my temperature. So on Friday morning, when I get my next temp, I assume I'll either have a very pretty temperature spike or a gut-wrenching drop.
I have so much to do today. The whole house to clean and bags to pack before 3 o'clock when we leave. My heart's not in it right now, though... I'm too busy being worried about someone else today... Praying she's okay.
Okay, I need to get back into blogging/journalling mode, so here I am.
We had a good trip and I DID end up bringing my thermometer. Turns out that Matt's work paid for a double room at the hotel, so we got to stay with him. So, YAY!, there were no family members there to ask why I was temping every morning. And I am SO HAPPY that I did bring it, because I love the way that my temperature dropped a little on Wednesday and went up the next day. It makes me much too hopeful that it was an implantation dip. Keeping fingers crossed!
Okay, as for the trip:
We stayed in a hotel in the most amazing part of town. The hotel itself was pretty and clean and posh with delicious breakfasts and room service too expensive to even try. The bathroom mirrors went all the way up the wall and made me feel very short and a bit stocky. The shower had FANTASTIC water pressure, which, when you live in my house, becomes something worth noting.
The neighborhood was one soaked with character and charm, and in retrospect I wish I had spent more time exploring it. The sidewalks all around had a vein of blue cement running through them which was marked as "The Missouri River". Little shops were here and there, cafes, pubs, a theatre, and of course, the Great Northern Carousel.
The Carousel was the best part of the whole trip. Apparently, in their hay day, there were 5,000+ hand-carved, full-sized carousels in the USA. Now there are less than 150. Two of them are in Montana, and we love them both. The girls and I spent over 2 hours there one afternoon, riding over and over again and browsing the gift store and eating ice cream. Really, really lovely.
My one complaint was the pizza restaurant that we ended up going to eat at the last night we were there. It was expensive enough, but it was also dirty, the service sucked, the food was greasy, and the breadsticks tasted like soggy sticks of salt. I ended up eating only one slice of pizza, which made me really, HORRIBLY sick. Nobody else got sick (thankfully) and I found myself thinking, "Ooo!! Look how nauseous I am! It could be a symptom!"
Today my temp dropped. Not a huge drop by any means, but enough of one to know that one of three things is happening:
1) I'm on my way out for this cycle.
2) I had an implantation dip.
3) My body, once again, fooled me into thinking that I O'd when I didn't, and now it's "gearing up" to try again.
Things always take on a different light the next day. Something that I think is a HORRIBLE sign today may turn into a really good thing tomorrow. And I think, if it were not for the fact that I also have a cold, can hardly sleep at night for coughing, have pains in my stomach, and am so off-and-on nauseous that I can't eat anything more than an English Muffin for breakfast, I would be able to throw out a little more optimism today.
But I am all of those things. And I'm worn down and don't have the mental capacity right now to think far beyond this very hour. So I'm going to be annoyed that I'm missing church again this morning, and frustrated that I'm not basking in the light of an early BFP, and downright cranky about the fact that all of the stomach upsettedness of the last few days has, indeed, been the fault of a bug and not a bean.
This morning brought on day 2 of temp drops. Sitting here now, in the evening, when my temps generally reach their high for the day, I temped and saw that they had dropped even more during the day. Below the coverline, in fact. Now I'm the first to admit that not much stock should be put into daytime temps, but I can't help but take this as a sign that AF may be right around the corner.
I don't want to be caught unaware. To have my hopes up so high and to refuse to see the truth that's staring me in the face. If I do that, it will hurt that much more. But I still want to stay positive, so I'm giving myself a list of things that I can do if AF shows her mean face this cycle.
1) Lose some more weight. I really wouldn't mind being down 9 or 10 more pounds before getting pregnant. (Really, who would?)
2) Get an early start on the December Birth Board, just in case I get my BFP this next cycle.
3) Take a REALLY HOT bath. Steaming hot. I love hot baths, but they are certainly a no-no in pregnancy!
4) Eat Chinese take-out, without worrying even the slightest about nausea kicking in.
5) Also eat a large sized Cappuccino Heath "Gourmet" Milkshake, and not worry at all about the caffeine content. (I do realize that the milkshake and Chinese are not conducive to weight-loss, but a few cheats never hurt anything.)
6) Have fun with the excuse to have lots and lots of sex again next month.
See? It can be fun, right? This could be not-so-bad.
This morning my temp dropped BELOW the coverline.
And I got my 7th BFN of the last week.
I think that when you hit that many BFNs, it's best to start conserving money by giving up hope.
No AF yet, but I am entirely ignoring the battle cry of, "It's not over 'til she shows!!" No. No. I'm sorry. It is over.
I had such despair about it all this morning. All of this frustration just rained down on me and I walked around in a sort of stunned fog. I can not tell you just how much I really DID believe that this was my month. For it not to be was... devastating. Other women have gone through so much worse. I should be so eternally grateful that I have had the luck that I have when it has come to getting pregnant in the past (with two of my pregnancies being very healthy), but I didn't see that this morning. All I saw was crushed hope.
I'm doing better now, but I'm today opened my eyes in a very real way to some what-ifs. What if I'm damaged goods now? What if I never can have another baby? It's possible, you know. On the CTC we're always saying, "You WILL get pregnant!" "You WILL have another baby!!" And up until now, I have taken that as a given. Something that must come true. Now I'm seeing it as a cheer only. I think we all know, we MUST know, that there is always and ever the chance, for whatever reason, that we won't be able to have another baby.
I'm not saying this to be negative. I'm saying it so that I can be realistic. I cannot base my entire life around a baby that I don't know if I will ever have. I have to start looking at other positives and other possibilities in life. I have to have other goals. Ones that I control (almost) completely, and which I can assure myself that I can reach if I only put the work into it. If I can not step back and do that, then I risk being forever annoyed and forever disappointed by one BFN after another because I'm putting (as Jen pointed out to me (and that's a good thing)) ALL of my eggs in one basket. I have to spread them out.
I talked to Matt again about the puppy idea. We talked it out in an intelligent manner. And we actually came to an agreement. If we're not pregnant by the time we take our trip to Colorado at the beginning of May, then we'll buy a puppy while we're down there. Particularly a Collie, as they fit with our family the best. Something to spend some of that excess love on, and something to look forward to. So see? Now I know that by the 2nd week of May, one way or another, we'll have an extra member in our family. And this makes me very, very happy.
I also decided today to take a break from temping. It started as a completely irrational thought, because I was angry at my thermometer for letting me down again. But I thought it through, and I think that it's the right thing to do. Just for one cycle, to see how it goes. Then I'll decide, when and if that cycle ends, whether to pick it back up again. But I'm sort of addicted to it, and I think of it too often and check and recheck my chart constantly, and it's just not healthy.
I hope these things will help me to have a different view on TTC. I want it to be fun, from start to finish. I don't want to be so stressed out every day. If it could just happen, it would be awesome. And if it never does happen, well... I really want that to be awesome, too.
Last edited by allyinthevalley; 02-25-2009 at 10:39 PM.
hi ally, i have never commented on a journal before, but i just wanted to tell you that i totally understand your last entry....i almost feel as if i could have written your exact words (well except for the puppy part...i have a puppy and he is wonderful...but 1 is enough! lol). i feel the same way about ttc....its supposed to be "fun", your supposed to "enjoy" it...but sometimes it becomes its own element and it comsumes you. i decided NOT to temp for the same reason you gave it up....even though we dont know eachother that well, i just want you to know that you really are not alone, and i am very glad you are having an optimistic attitude toward this whole thing! im doing the same, trying to just embrace everyday, enjoy my amazing family and let the future just unfold before my eyes. and your right, that is awesome! hugs (i dont know how to do the whole smiley thing...lol)