But, I think, this is okay. I'm in this place where I believe that all things will happen in their time, and I just have to sit back and watch them unfold. No amount of crying, no pleading for a baby, has brought one to me thus far. And I don't believe that they ever will. What I need right now is patience, hope, faith, and trust. And my time will come. When I least expect it, it will be here. Meanwhile, I just have all the more love to spend on the two adorable girls that I have in my life.
This morning I sent the family off to church without me. This is the fourth week in a row that I've skipped, which I'm a little ashamed of. But the month has been less than kind to me, and when life is that way I don't want to have to be surrounded by people, having to pretend that I'm happy to be there. And this morning in particular, I think what I need more than anything is just to be alone for several hours, able to meditate on the quiet and the sunshine and the good things of life.
It's a morning to just look inside. I have a bath running as I write. I have string music playing in the background. I have a bathrobe set aside to lounge about in all morning, and a lunch of popsicles and cereal (honestly, two of my favorite foods) planned for later. It will be a good start to a good day. A good recovery from what was sort of a shocking BFN.
Later today I'm buying an exercise bike. It's sort of a funny thing to buy. I always think of exercise bikes as the things that people buy and then just allow to sit in a corner and build up dust. But I'm hoping it won't be that way for me. I want it to be something that I can do every evening as I watch tv. I'm HOPING it won't bother my knees too much (which get sore really easily) and that when and if I do get pregnant, I can keep doing it throughout. For a while I was going running every day, and I think if I could I would prefer to continue that. But it was a very hard thing to make the time for, since it was done outside of the house. Hopefully (a lot of hope in this entry) this will be a better fit for our life.
And now my bath is almost full, so off I go to soak for an hour or so.
I haven't updated in a few days, so I figured I better come in here and scribble down a few things.
I'm doing better with not obsessing over my chart and when and if I'll get pregnant. I've started exercising again and I'm in another Biggest Loser Challenge. It helps because they give me something else to focus on. So I've been feeling more relaxed these last few days. It's good for everyone involved. I'm not so crabby with my family when I'm not ALWAYS on edge.
I really believe that this will happen. Just in HIS time, not mine. And, really, that's a bit of a relief. To know that I can just sit back and know that when it happens, it happens because it's meant to. Know that it's not a mistake, not a misstep, not badly planned, as so many pregnancies have been. (Um... Not my own. Other people's.) I will know it my heart that it was meant to happen at just the time it did. It's the silver lining.
Tonight is Game Night at our house, which means that we have people coming over, which also makes this Cleaning Day for me. These plans will be interrupting my usual day of sit, bathe, eat, sit, watch tv, go to bed. It's a shame.