Ally Writes

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allyinthevalley's picture
Joined: 01/31/08
Posts: 66
Ally Writes

Super original name for a blog, right?
So, I'm Ally.

I hate trying to describe myself. My personality, what I look like. I really do. I mean, how can I possibly do so without sounding either egotistical or self-deprecating? So I will skip that part of the introduction and if you don't know me already then can pick up on it as we go.
As for what my life is like ~ That I can do.
I am 24 years old. I've been married for six years to my high school sweetheart. We have two daughters, ages 4 and 2.
My husband works.
I stay at home with the girls.
I have a lot of people who say, "But that's still working! You have to cook and clean and yadda, yadda, yadda." I'm going to be honest here, though. If it were such hard work, then I wouldn't be able to spend half of every day on pregnancy.org talking with my friends. I have a very free life. When I want to, I can spend hours playing with my girls or dancing with them or just watching them act silly. Or I can read a book all day long. I can write or paint or sew or garden or go on walks to the park with my dog and my girls or listen to every song that I love. Or I can watch hours of Doctor Who. My girls and I love watching Doctor Who. If you also love Doctor Who (the new series, in particular), then we would probably make good friends. Unless you spend your time writing fan fiction about it. People who write fan fiction freak me out a little bit. It's like, come up with your own characters, people. I don't really want to read about your bastardized Doctor, or even know that he exists...
Ranting... Sorry....
Nerd ranting, even. That's got to be worse.
Right, so, basically, I have a very good life. There are not a lot of rules to it. Not a lot on constrictions to my time. There are few things that I must do every day, and they are:
1) Wake up when the alarm goes of to take my temperature.
2) Make my family breakfast, lunch, and dinner. (None of which are often very complicated.)
3) Shower at some point.
4) Spend some time with my husband so that he knows how much I love him.
That's it. And I love my life, though it could be more adventurous. No worries, though. I'm working on that part.

AND, the point of this bloggy-journal thing: I'm trying to get pregnant right now. It was a year and a month ago that my husband and I first started trying for our next baby. And we succeeded, for a time, in May of 2008. I was pregnant for 11 weeks before losing my baby. I don't know what the sex was, but we felt in our hearts that it was a boy. From day one we called it "The Little Prince". Like that was who our baby was and we KNEW it. And if you've ever read The Little Prince, you'll know why it was so ironic (and, somehow, expected) that he was lost. We named him Jude Eugene-James.
It was a very hard time in our lives. In fact, all of 2008 was a hard time in our lives. In future years, we'll look back at 2008 and say, "Thanks for NOTHING." I won't get into all of the crap that happened that year. Just know we lost Jude, and that was what the whole of the year revolved around.
Jude would have been due on February 13th, 2009.
I'll be testing to see if I'm pregnant this cycle (after 3 cycles of trying post-loss) on his EDD. I'm praying that it will be positive. But if it's not, I'm confident that God will carry me through that day.
I've noticed that a lot of the journals on here are from women who have had miscarriages. I think we may just have more that we have to get off of our chests. More fears. More anticipation. More riding on those two little lines or the strong heartbeat of a tiny embryo or doubling numbers that most pregnant women never think twice about. You don't hear much about miscarriage in day-to-day life, but it's everywhere. We're not alone.

Super excited "Hello!" to my CTC Girls! Hope I don't bore you all too much with More Of The Same.

And CTC Girls have my special permission to post on this journal if they feel so inclined. Just don't expect me to write back to you in the context of the journal itself.

Love ya all,

Al

jenners319617's picture
Joined: 12/27/07
Posts: 236

Totally had to butt in since I am a CTC girl (and you said I could) and just say that I'm so glad I get to stalk you here!

I can't wait to go through all of these next stages of our lives together and look back on them as well!

Lots and lots of love......XOXO!!

allyinthevalley's picture
Joined: 01/31/08
Posts: 66
Stupid Temps

My body has me beyond annoyed today. It can't decide when it wants to ovulate. Rather than choosing a day and sticking with it, it keeps saying, "How about now? No. Today then? No, no, no. Next week?" Since I'm going to test on the 13th, I really need to get knocked up by the end of the day, or else I may not be far enough along to get a positive. And wouldn't that just make my day? My baby's due date and a negative pregnancy test? Lovely.

I'm irritable this morning. In case you can't tell. It makes for muddled thoughts and uninteresting journals. So I'll leave this here, and if later in the day I'm thinking clearly and rationally and have some brilliant words to offer the world, then I'll come back and post.

Don't hold your breath, though.

Al

allyinthevalley's picture
Joined: 01/31/08
Posts: 66
To Jen

This is a letter to Jen. Jen, I hope you don't mind that I'm making it public rather than just pm'ing you. I'm hoping that maybe someone else who needs to see this will.

Jen,
I need to write to you today. I don't know at all what to say. But I'll write, anyway.

I dreamed of you last night - crying your eyes out - trying to make you feel better. Somehow, I should have guessed that I would wake up to find you having a hard day. Like God was preparing me for it. I would have liked your tears to be left in the dreams. It sucks so bad to see you hurting. You're like my long-lost-sister-who-looks-nothing-like-me, and I truly just want to know that you are happy. That you're okay.

Yesterday I went and saw my friend's newborn twins. Beautiful little miracles. The first I've held, or even touched, since my loss. And - God - I could have held them all day. February 1st, and I'm holding newborns, and I thought, "This is the day. This is when I would have had my baby." It was like God was letting me have just a taste of what should have been. Holding them, it was like a kiss from my baby on a day that I really missed him. Keep an eye open, Jen. Watch this month for the kisses that Kylie is sending you.

Today you wrote about the day you lost Kylie. I was crying after the first two words. It is... unfathomable... That anyone has to go through what you went through. That anyone has to see their greatest love broken. And the regrets of that day ~ I understand those all too well. I think we go through That Day so numb and shocked and scared. Not understanding. Not getting it. Not knowing how one minute we can be one of the lucky ones, and the next we're one of The Heartbroken. And we can't blame ourselves for that. Nobody warned us. Nobody said, "This could happen to you." And so many women are silent about their losses. It makes it impossible to know how common it is until it hits you. It's not fair that we feel guilt over that day. We weren't in control.

On the day of my D&C, I nodded to the doctor when she insisted on going straight to the o.r. I was too shy to ask for a copy of the ultrasound. I smiled (trying so hard to be strong) as I was wheeled in to operation. Everyone tried to be nice. I tried, too.

When I was coming out of the drugs, I was confused. The first thing I said to the nurse who was with me was, "Is my baby here now? Is he okay?" She looked at me sadly and said, "Only tissue, honey." I said, "Oh... Okay..."

In recovery I heard two nurses talking a ways away where they thought they wouldn't be overheard. They were saying, "She's taking it really well. She hasn't even cried." I let them believe that. I shouldn't have. I should have let them see my heart breaking.

I wondered, too, if everyone who saw me knew what had just happened.

I cried every time I passed baby clothes for months.
Now I can finally look at them with the bittersweet thought of, "My next baby will be SO SPOILED."

Next baby.
Jen, there will be a next baby. You and I will never forget our lost angels. We'll be old ladies sitting on a front porch together watching our Great Grandchildren play and I'll say, "Do you still think of Kylie, Jen?" And you'll tear up a little and say, "Every single day, Shosh." And I'll nod and know exactly how that is...

But, we will love the children that we have even more. Our miracles. After this, a baby is no longer JUST a baby. A child is not JUST another child. It's not a given anymore. Not taken for granted. It's the most amazing gift in the universe. We'll love more and laugh more and cry more and hold every baby more close and with more passion than ever before, Jen.

Forgive my disjointedness. Perhaps I should have thought this through and said it better. I just want you to know that I'm here with you.

Love you,

Ally

jenners319617's picture
Joined: 12/27/07
Posts: 236

I love you Ally! :bigarmhug:

You shouldn't be having to try to comfort me today but I thank you from the bottom of my heart for doing it.

We are both hurting here and today you have lifted me up, I hope tomorrow I will be able to do the same for you, my dearest friend.

I believe there are angels among us, sent down to us from up above. They come for you and me in our darkest hour, they show us how to live and teach us how to give and guide us with the light of love.

allyinthevalley's picture
Joined: 01/31/08
Posts: 66
I'll Carry You

This is a video that I came across on the blog of the wife of one of the singers from Selah. She found out at 16 weeks pregnant that her baby had things wrong with her and was going to die, but refused to terminate. She carried her as long as she could and gave birth to her by C-Section. Her daughter, shown in this video, lived for 2 and a half hours, which was a miracle in itself.
She wrote this song along with the woman who wrote "Held" that Natalie Grant sings.

AngelLyndz's picture
Joined: 08/17/08
Posts: 17

As a fellow CTC'er, I just want to thank you for letting us in, Ally. You are such an eloquent writer and I love reading your words. You say things that give me chills. I can't wait to follow you on your journey. I love you dearly.

allyinthevalley's picture
Joined: 01/31/08
Posts: 66
Fed up

Today I feel like...
Like I can't do this anymore. It's been a year and a half since we started planning for our next baby. A year and a month since we started trying for it. And after all of the crap that 2008 brought for us, I had faith, REAL FAITH, that 2009 would be DIFFERENT.
But I'm not seeing any change. All I'm seeing is cold weather and friends hurting and what will most likely be an anovulatory cycle in the one month that I needed to get pregnant the most.
I prayed, and I meant it, "God let my friends get pregnant. Even if I have to wait for months to join them. Even if I can never have another baby. Please just let them get pregnant this cycle." And maybe He's listening to that. Maybe He's granting them their pregnancies because I've offered up mine. And that... That would be good. But I'm sitting here now and I'm starting to see just how important this is to me. And I wish that He would say, "No worries, Ally. You'll all get pregnant together this month."
I'm tired of temping. I'm tired of thinking EVERY SINGLE DAY, "Today must be the day." And I'm tired of sex, because I can only go so many times before I get sore and before I get tired.
My faith is being really stretched here.
I've shown my faith. I've shouted it from the virtual mountaintop. I've told EVERYONE how much God is going to bless us this month, because we've asked Him to. Because we've prayed without ceasing. And I thought, no I really BELIEVED, that this cycle would be perfect and...
I'm just ranting.
But I can't wake up to another low temp. Because I test in 10 days and... It's going to be a negative. I'm going to wake up on the day that my little boy was due and I'm going to know that there is nothing at all inside of me. I'm empty.

Al

jenners319617's picture
Joined: 12/27/07
Posts: 236

"allyinthevalley" wrote:

This is a video that I came across on the blog of the wife of one of the singers from Selah. She found out at 16 weeks pregnant that her baby had things wrong with her and was going to die, but refused to terminate. She carried her as long as she could and gave birth to her by C-Section. Her daughter, shown in this video, lived for 2 and a half hours, which was a miracle in itself.
She wrote this song along with the woman who wrote "Held" that Natalie Grant sings.

Ally....may I steal this ENTIRE post for my journal?

allyinthevalley's picture
Joined: 01/31/08
Posts: 66

Of course, you may.

jenners319617's picture
Joined: 12/27/07
Posts: 236

You are not empty. There is no way you could be. An empty person can not lift up a friend when she so clearly needed it. When I want to turn and run, when I want to give up, when I feel hopeless...YOU are there for me and you know the exact things I need to hear to help.

Ally, we will get this. It will be our time. Just as you are praying for the people around you to have their dreams fulfilled, I am praying for you. He is listening and he will hear our cry's. I am praying, for you.

I don't have any words of wisdom. No advice. Only this...let him work. Let him see you. When you are down, let him lift you up. Don't give up now. I need you, we all need you. Tomorrow will be a new day, it can bring answers. We are still going through this together and I am here, with you and for you!

beckastar's picture
Joined: 01/09/08
Posts: 120

"allyinthevalley" wrote:

This is a video that I came across on the blog of the wife of one of the singers from Selah. She found out at 16 weeks pregnant that her baby had things wrong with her and was going to die, but refused to terminate. She carried her as long as she could and gave birth to her by C-Section. Her daughter, shown in this video, lived for 2 and a half hours, which was a miracle in itself.
She wrote this song along with the woman who wrote "Held" that Natalie Grant sings.

That is so beautiful. Thank you for posting it.

allyinthevalley's picture
Joined: 01/31/08
Posts: 66
Lifted Up

Yesterday was NOT one of my good days. I felt so bitter and I was hurting all day. But, as often happens, God let me mope all day, and then at the end of it knocked me upside the head and said, "Look how lucky you are."

It's true I am. Where many people, people far more worthy than I, have struggled for years to get pregnant with just one child, I already have two. Where many women have suffered miscarriages in the second and third trimesters, or have had stillborn babies, or have lost their live born children, I lost my baby at 11 weeks. Where some women have lost one baby after another, or have lost twins or triplets, I've only ever lost one baby. And though I won't lie and say that hasn't hurt me, and that is hasn't changed me forever, I know that it could be so much worse and am obliged to count my blessings.

It's not that I don't want this. I do soooooooo badly. But because I have been blessed so much already, I know that I can WAIT. I can let this happen in God's time. I just have to put it in His hands and step back. Do my part. Do what I can. But in the end the decision and the timing is not my own. And I can't pretend that it is. I can't insist upon being able to control everything in my life, because it won't work. All it brings is heartache.

The funny and beautiful thing about this is that my CTC girls never point these things out to me. I go to them and I cry and they just lift me up. And they share everything about their lives and their lost loves and they bring me in with them and are so fantastic. Most people will never have that in their lives. How lucky am I that I do?

That being said, my temps continue to look stupid today, AND I'm spotting. I assume it's the sort of spotting that leads up to AF. Like my body is just saying, "It's not working this month. Screw it. Let's just start over again." And if that's what it is, that's okay. At least I'll have a fresh start.

Al

cassiehelge's picture
Joined: 06/08/08
Posts: 14

Another CTC girl here...
Ally, first off, I agree with Lyndsey. You are such a powerful writer. I just wanted to say thank you for your posts. You are touching so many people and helping them in ways you don't know, myself being one of those people.
XOXO

allyinthevalley's picture
Joined: 01/31/08
Posts: 66
A New Hope (Nerdy Star Wars Reference)

I had a good temp spike this morning, which has me so entirely happy!! My girl Jen () thinks I must have O'd on CD 20 or 21, and those sound good to me.

I am so ready to just sit back and relax and let God take care of everything from here on out.

On another note, I have every intention of working out really hard this week. I have 8 DAYS until I test, and if by some miracle I see double lines on that day, I want to be at the lowest weight possible to start my pregnancy. Not that a week can do a lot, but every little bit counts.

There's just not a whole lot to say today. I'm just happy and optimistic. And I have a headache, but we'll just ignore that for now.

Ally

allyinthevalley's picture
Joined: 01/31/08
Posts: 66
The Roller Coaster

I feel like my emotions are on as much of a roller coaster as my temps. I'm so nervous right now, in a way that I very rarely experience. I woke up this morning, and taking my temperature my heart was racing. When I got up to put it into my chart my face was flushed. I just keep thinking and thinking about it. WHY CAN'T I JUST STOP THINKING?
The spotting doesn't help. It's on day three now. Every time I go to the bathroom, there's spotting. It complicates things. I'm sitting here trying to decide what day I ovulated on.
Can it be implantation bleeding? Three days of it? I've never even had a spot before, and now I'm looking at 3 days of spotting?
Could it be the beginning of AF? Really? This early, when I usually have long, drawn-out cycles?
Could it be, dare I say it, low progesterone? I have NEVER had a problem with spotting and low temps before! Why, all of a sudden, am I seeing these things now?
And my biggest fear, the one that has me pacing the floors, if it is low progesterone...
And if I did get pregnant...
What does that mean for the baby?
It doesn't stand a chance.

Hope. I totally have Hope. That today's temperature dip was an official implantation dip. That tomorrow morning, that temp will shoot through the ceiling. That the spotting will be finished because the tiny baby's burrowing is finished. That everything will be alright.

"Now Faith is being sure of what we Hope for, certain of what we do not see."

But tomorrow is 24 hours from now. And, meanwhile, I pace the floor.

Ally

allyinthevalley's picture
Joined: 01/31/08
Posts: 66
Comforts

It is so easy to say, "I'm going to put this in God's hands," when things are going the way that you want them to. But when everything is going crazy and you can't make sense of any of it one way or another, you start freaking out and saying, "God! If You can't do this the right way, then I'm taking it back away from You!!"

As if that's even an option.

I find myself, now, struggling to release my own life and to just know that, in the end, all will turn out the way that it is supposed to.

My little sister is a huge drama queen, and she likes to fill her Myspace page with stupid quotes and little pictures, and generally I just skim right over them. But she had one on a while back that stuck in my head, though I've not tried to apply it to my life before this. It said, "Everything works out in the end. If it's not right, then it's not the end." And that comforts me. I just have to know that at the end of this journey, no matter how many mountains we have to climb or how many giants we have to fight, no matter how much heartache we must endure, at the end, everything WILL BE as it is meant to be. The ending will be a happy one.

This morning I was bummed, to say the least, at another luke-warm temperature. I snapped at my husband for no reason. I collapsed angrily on the couch. I refused to look at anyone. Then I put the temperature on my chart and, not expecting to find anything of value, checked my Myspace. And there were two messages for me. One from my husband encouraging me to be who I am and nobody else. One from a friend of ours who lives on the other side of the state. He knows that my baby was due this week because I blogged about it on my page. This is what he wrote to me:

"Hey, I'm sorry about what happened. I really have no idea what anything like that would be like, In truth I don't think I can fully understand it for what it is. I just hope ya know that Jessica and I are always here, in whatever capacity we can be or need to be."

How amazing is that? Two of my favorite boys in the world wrote me two letters of encouragement (albeit, about different things) to lift me up when I felt like I was bottoming out. It's not like they knew. It's not like they expected to change around my entire day. They were just letting me know that they love me. They were just reaching out with no clue of what it meant.

I pray, "God, please take care of this. Please help me get through this." He answers my prayers in ways that I don't expect. But He is still answering them. He's sending me comforts. He's holding me close. I'm getting through this, because He insists that I wait for the end. He promises me that when we get there, there will be fireworks.

Ally

allyinthevalley's picture
Joined: 01/31/08
Posts: 66
I Am Loved

My spotting stopped this morning. I'm thrilled by that. I really am. But at the same time, my temp officially dropped again this morning to 97.22. I say, "officially" because I fell back to sleep, woke up an hour later, and temped again. (Obsessive, I know.) And by that point it was reading at 97.8-something. It seems like an awful big jump for only one hour. Especially since that one hour was spent sleeping. But I decided to be honest and put in my original temp and just hold on to that ONE LAST RAY OF HOPE that it will go up tomorrow.

When I woke up and saw that temp, I thought that I should be upset. That it should ruin my whole day and that I should be mopey again and crying and whining and grumpy. And for about two seconds I attempted to be that way. But it just didn't stick. This morning I just felt LOVED. Because there are so many prayers being said for me, because of the amazing husband who slept beside me, because of the God that's holding me, that was the only option for me today. To just nestle down into the warmth of love and leave it at that.

It's a much nicer way to feel. Being loved. Being comforted. Rather than feeling out of control and being driven half insane. I wish that everyone who is going through a hard time in the world right now could just wake up for one day and feel this way. That they could have one sunshiny morning where they know that even if nothing comes out right, that they are still the object of someone's affections.

Ally

allyinthevalley's picture
Joined: 01/31/08
Posts: 66
More of the Same

Four days until I test.
The spotting started up again right after I wrote my entry yesterday, then stopped again this morning. Hopefully it will STAY away this time.
My temp went up, just a little bit, this morning. I had half-expected it to drop below coverline and bring on AF today, so I'm happy that it didn't.

I'm sure that all of my loyal followers ( Wink ) are tired of reading about my minor temp drops and rises every day, and I apologize for the monotony of it all. It's just the rest of this week, and then it will all be behind me for at least another month. I swear that this is NOT my whole entire life. It's just what's sticking out at the moment.

Dyed my hair red (again) a few days ago, and Yari () requested pictures. So I oblige here, though there honestly isn't much to see. I wish I had the guts to dye my hair blue. For some reason, my whole world is revolving around the color blue right now. It feels like it matches me perfectly at the moment. Some day, perhaps, when I've left behind the constricting suckiness of Montana.

On to pictures:
I'm right under the light here. Thought it would help show off the color better. It didn't.

Color shows a little bit better here:

There now. Wasn't that exciting?

Ally

jenners319617's picture
Joined: 12/27/07
Posts: 236

Ohhh love the color Ally, you look so dark and mysterious in that first pic, kind of devious! Smile

By the way....if you are focused on your temp dips and jumps, so are we! This is your journal, you can post whatever you and want and you know we'll still read it!

beckastar's picture
Joined: 01/09/08
Posts: 120

Your hair is AWESOME

allyinthevalley's picture
Joined: 01/31/08
Posts: 66

"jenners319617" wrote:

Ohhh love the color Ally, you look so dark and mysterious in that first pic, kind of devious! Smile

That's because I AM dark and mysterious. ROFL (Okay... I wish... :rolleyes: )

Kayla1981's picture
Joined: 01/04/07
Posts: 1529

That color looks great!!!

AngelLyndz's picture
Joined: 08/17/08
Posts: 17

I love love love love love your hair! You are so Tonks! Smile

allyinthevalley's picture
Joined: 01/31/08
Posts: 66

I can't even pretend to be in a good mood today.
I can't say anything positive because I don't feel anything positive.
I can't look for the bright side right now.

I promised my girls that I'd spend a special day with them, reading and playing and baking together. And that's probably a good idea. It may get my mind off of my stupid chart, my stupid temps, and my stupid, screwed-up body.

Al

jenners319617's picture
Joined: 12/27/07
Posts: 236

:bighug: you take the day then, we'll still be here waiting tomorrow! love ya!

allyinthevalley's picture
Joined: 01/31/08
Posts: 66
D.O.C Evil

Me: Well, hello Drawn Out Cycle of Evil, my one time good friend turned Arch Nemesis. I thought I'd killed you.
DOC Evil: It seems you were mistaken, Bond.
Me: It's not Bond anymore.
DOC Evil: What?
Me: My name. It's not Bond anymore. I got married, remember?
DOC Evil: Of course! So sorry. You know what they say. Old habits...
Me: Die hard. Just like you, DOC.
DOC Evil: Indeed.
Me: What happened to us, DOC? We were once so close. I held on to you with all I had and now... Now all you want is to crush my dreams. You changed, DOC.
DOC Evil: No. It wasn't me that changed. It was your dreams.
Me: My dreams. Of course.
.
.
.
Me: What now, DOC?
DOC Evil: Duel to the death?
Me: Eh... Sure. Why not?



What??? You have a problem with me making up stories about dueling my long drawn out cycles to the death?! Huh? HUH?! Cuz someday this will be a blockbuster movie, and we'll see who's laughing then!


Ally

jenners319617's picture
Joined: 12/27/07
Posts: 236

ROFL

beckastar's picture
Joined: 01/09/08
Posts: 120

Oh, Ally. I love you.

allyinthevalley's picture
Joined: 01/31/08
Posts: 66
A Good Day

Before I talk about anything else, I'll say this: I'm PRETTY SURE I'm ovulating today. Yeah... Over two weeks after when I first thought I was going to O, 10 days after the 2nd time I thought I was Oing, and either way well into what I THOUGHT was the two week wait, my temps drop and all signs point to ovulation.

Wow.

I guess this explains the lukewarm temps that I've been seeing. They had me so worried. I was freaking out because I thought that I HAD ovulated and that my body wasn't producing enough progesterone to lift my temps and that any pregnancy wouldn't have a chance. To be perfectly honest, the only reason that I was going to test on Friday was to know if there was a baby being lost or not.

But THIS! It changes everything around! If my temps are high for the next three days, then I will KNOW I ovulated, I will KNOW what DAY I ovulated, I will KNOW exactly how far into the two week wait I am. It's funny, because it seems like it should really annoy me that I have to start the 2ww all over again, but it doesn't! I'm just HAPPY to know that any pregnancy that may occur has a chance of surviving. VERY HAPPY.

The one downside, of course, is that I won't get to test on my EDD. But, it seems, it just wasn't meant to be. I will release a balloon for my lost love when the sun has gone down and it's just Matt and me beneath the stars, watching them all laugh. And we'll be celebrating his life, and his alone. And that's okay.

Yesterday was a good day. I spent the whole day with my girls, and I think that is just what all of us needed. I even took pictures, because I'm nice like that. Wink

We spent a lot of time reading Dr. Seuss books. I think the girls would have been happy with just doing that all day long, but I moved them onto bigger and better things after about an hour.

I gave them free reign of Mommy's Make-up, which had them a bit in awe.

We had a Princess Tea Party. I gave them apple cider. They didn't know the difference. They also got vanilla wafers and frosting. Fancy. I know.

A good bit of time was spent teaching them Miss Mary Mack and other clapping games. Trinity was able to do the very basic clap-slap pattern. Kally, being only two years old, just held her hands up for me to slap. It was pretty cute.

After that we made homemade play dough, which was a lot more fun than I thought it would be.

We played with that for a long time, but it started to dry out and the girls starting using it as stuff-to-throw-at-the-walls, so it ended up in the garbage.

Kally took a nap while Trinity and I watched Biggest Loser. Trin has a crush on Bob and sits very happily through every episode, no matter how long they are.

When that was over and Kally got back up, I helped them play "games" on the computer. The favorite, by far, was "give mommy a makeover" on one of those websites where you can change your hair and makeup and such. Here's one Trinity and I came up with:

I laugh every time I see it. And see? I knew I'd look good with blue hair!

That was about it. I made them Breakfast For Dinner, which is one of their favorite things, and then they took a bath and went to bed. It was good for us. Really good. I needed to be able to just focus entirely on the two amazing gifts that I have for one day to just turn around my perspective of the whole month. I am so VERY thankful for them.

Ally

Kayla1981's picture
Joined: 01/04/07
Posts: 1529

What a sweet day you had with the girls! The pictures are great! It's always nice to have a day that can restore you. Whether it is restoring your attitude, your energy, your perspective... so I'm glad you had a day like that.

Believer2008's picture
Joined: 07/13/07
Posts: 39

Oh Ally what a fab day for you and the girls and THANK YOU for sharing the pictures... Glad to hear you are o'ing and know that we missed you yesterday! :bigarmhug:

jenners319617's picture
Joined: 12/27/07
Posts: 236

Ally, I so hope you are Oing. what a CRAZY cycle for you but having gone through it and to just NOW be Oing seems so very, Ally ish!

Sweetie, I hope this is it for you and all this worrying will be laid to rest in approximately 2 weeks.

What a WONDERFUL day you spent with your girls. It sounds perfect! Makes me want to go pick my neices up right now and hang out with them ALL day!

XOXO

AlyssaEimers's picture
Joined: 08/22/06
Posts: 6561

Ally, thinking of you today!

jenners319617's picture
Joined: 12/27/07
Posts: 236

Hope you don't mind that I do this. Ally, you are in my thoughts and prayers today, constantly. :bighug:


Dear Jude,
Although I never got the chance to meet you, it feels almost as though I did. Your mommy has become such an important part of my life and because you are not here with us on earth, we all know you are reaching out your tiny little hand to her today to give her some strength and pull her through this.

In your parting here on earth you touched lives and brought people together so that we would all know, we weren't alone. You taught us just how much love we had in our hearts.

You keep Kylie company up there and don't get into too much trouble together. Listen to god and do exactly as he asks.

Lord, please watch over Ally today and give her son an extra long hug, just from her. They both need it.

Amen

allyinthevalley's picture
Joined: 01/31/08
Posts: 66
Strong

Today's the day.

Jude's EDD.

And I don't feel bad. Not at all. I'm looking forward to the day. Celebrating it with silent, bittersweet happiness. The girls are going to a babysitter's tonight, and Matt and I will be having dinner and releasing balloons. I'm going to write Jude a short letter and send it up with them.

I prayed that God would give me a BFP on this day, thinking that it was the only thing that could possibly console me. (And, just to be sure, I tested, and was not the slightest bit surprised to see snow white where that second line "should" be.) But God has chosen to do His consoling in His own way. I feel His peace all around me. I feel utterly secure in the fact that what happened was, indeed, meant to happen. That in the end I will be able to see the Bigger Picture. And a bit of a temperature jump this morning gives me hope that I ovulated yesterday, that I did catch the egg, and that on this day, OF ALL DAYS, a new life has started inside of me.

If I have cried any tears this morning (and I have), they haven't been from pain. They haven't been out of mourning. They have been for joy at seeing how much my friends care about and love Jude and me. I am exceedingly thankful for the people that I have met on this board, for the love they've completely surrounded me in, and for the bonds formed here that can't ever be broken. This was a gift to me, from my little lost baby, from my God who understands that which I never will.

This loss continues to change and shape my life in ways that I could never have predicted. Because of it, my life will be fuller, my children will have more opportunities, my husband's and my marriage was strengthened a hundred fold at a time that it needed it desperately, I can feel empathy (EMPATHY) where I couldn't, give advice where I wouldn't, and know with unwavering faith that I am STRONG.

Jude did more good in his weeks here on earth than many people do in their DECADES. I will FOREVER love him and miss him. I will ALWAYS wonder, "What could have been?" But I would not go back and change what happened. Who he was made me who I am today.

"People have stars, but they aren't the same. For travelers, the stars are guides. For other people, they're nothing but tiny lights. And for still others, for scholars, they're problems. For my businessman, they were gold. But all those stars are silent stars. You, though, you'll have stars like nobody else."

"What do you mean?"

"When you look up at the sky at night, since I'll be living on one of them, since I'll be laughing on one of them, for you, it'll be as if all the stars are laughing. You'll have stars that can laugh!"

And he laughed again.

"And when you're consoled (everyone is eventually consoled), you'll be glad you've known me. You'll always be my friend. You'll feel like laughing with me. And you'll open your windows sometimes just for the fun of it... And your friends will be amazed to see you laughing while you're looking up at the sky. Then you'll tell them, 'Yes, it's the stars. They always make me laugh!"

JUDE~
My Jude.
Today I can finally say that the stars will make me laugh.
I love you.
Mama

For me, this is the loveliest and the saddest landscape in the world. It's the same landscape as the one on the preceeding page, but I've drawn it one more time to be sure you see it clearly. It's here that the little prince appeared on Earth, then disappeared.

Look at this lanscape carefully to be sure of recognizing it, if you should travel to Africa someday, in the desert. And if you happen to pass by here, I beg you not to hurry past. Wait a little while, just under the star! Then if a child comes to you, and if he laughs, if he has golden hair, if he doesn't answer your questions, you'll know who he is. If this should happen, be kind! Don't let me go on being so sad: Send word immediately that he's come back...

Al

Believer2008's picture
Joined: 07/13/07
Posts: 39

Oh Ally that was BEAUTIFUL jsut know that you are in my thoughts and prayers today and ALWAYS MY FRIEND....

:bigarmhug: All of your children are so LUCKY to have such a wonderful, caring mom that so loves them!!!!

AlyssaEimers's picture
Joined: 08/22/06
Posts: 6561

:bigarmhug:

pobaby477's picture
Joined: 10/02/08
Posts: 210

On my way to work today there was a bundle of balloons that were floating in the sky. I automatically thought about you and your lil Jude. I prayed that you would b a-okay today and that Jude would feel the love of all of us on this special day.

We love you Jude and we are trying our best to take care of your Mommy! She is such a great friend and I am sure that when you two meet you will love her warmth, humor, and honesty.

Love Always

Chadae'

allyinthevalley's picture
Joined: 01/31/08
Posts: 66
Pretending to have a Fresh Start

I was getting tired of my long cycle.
I was starting to pray that it would just, PLEASE, end and I could get on.
I kept looking at my chart saying, "What on EARTH does all of this mean?" and "If that spotting wasn't implantation bleeding, then what WAS it?"
And it occurred to me that maybe, just maybe, my body saw that it wasn't O'ing and MAYBE was trying to reset. Maybe it was a really lame little AF.
So I put the first day of spotting as light AF, and, sure enough, when my chart was split it give me one anovulatory cycle and SOLID crosshairs on the other cycle.
Which give me hope again.
Some hope.
Not a ton.
Because I'm afraid that screwy cycles means screwy eggs that will either be too old to make a baby, to underdeveloped to make a baby, or have the wrong sort of lining to implant into.
Or maybe God knows just what He's doing and I just need to sit back and watch Him work it out.
Wish me luck!

Ally

KatieWantsABaby's picture
Joined: 06/19/07
Posts: 229

:bigarmhug: Ally, you are an amazing person, and a wonderful mother. God WILL bless you again.

allyinthevalley's picture
Joined: 01/31/08
Posts: 66

Today we're leaving to go on a trip. Technically it's a business trip for Matt, but as I have no plans I thought the girls and I could tag along. We're going to the city my dad lives in and Matt's sister lives in, so it should be nice to spend some time with them.

Not sure how I'm going to deal with 3 days away from the CTC, though. Wink

Though I will probably kick myself for this in the future, I'm not bringing my thermometer along on the trip. I'm just going to have a break from it. I wouldn't, of course, but I'll be staying with family and really don't want them to ask why I have to be woke up at exactly 7 o'clock every morning to take my temperature. So on Friday morning, when I get my next temp, I assume I'll either have a very pretty temperature spike or a gut-wrenching drop.

I have so much to do today. The whole house to clean and bags to pack before 3 o'clock when we leave. My heart's not in it right now, though... I'm too busy being worried about someone else today... Praying she's okay.

Yeah... I just can't think straight today...

Ally

allyinthevalley's picture
Joined: 01/31/08
Posts: 66
Our Trip

Okay, I need to get back into blogging/journalling mode, so here I am.

We had a good trip and I DID end up bringing my thermometer. Turns out that Matt's work paid for a double room at the hotel, so we got to stay with him. So, YAY!, there were no family members there to ask why I was temping every morning. And I am SO HAPPY that I did bring it, because I love the way that my temperature dropped a little on Wednesday and went up the next day. It makes me much too hopeful that it was an implantation dip. Keeping fingers crossed!

Okay, as for the trip:

We stayed in a hotel in the most amazing part of town. The hotel itself was pretty and clean and posh with delicious breakfasts and room service too expensive to even try. The bathroom mirrors went all the way up the wall and made me feel very short and a bit stocky. The shower had FANTASTIC water pressure, which, when you live in my house, becomes something worth noting.

The neighborhood was one soaked with character and charm, and in retrospect I wish I had spent more time exploring it. The sidewalks all around had a vein of blue cement running through them which was marked as "The Missouri River". Little shops were here and there, cafes, pubs, a theatre, and of course, the Great Northern Carousel.

The Carousel was the best part of the whole trip. Apparently, in their hay day, there were 5,000+ hand-carved, full-sized carousels in the USA. Now there are less than 150. Two of them are in Montana, and we love them both. The girls and I spent over 2 hours there one afternoon, riding over and over again and browsing the gift store and eating ice cream. Really, really lovely.

My one complaint was the pizza restaurant that we ended up going to eat at the last night we were there. It was expensive enough, but it was also dirty, the service sucked, the food was greasy, and the breadsticks tasted like soggy sticks of salt. I ended up eating only one slice of pizza, which made me really, HORRIBLY sick. Nobody else got sick (thankfully) and I found myself thinking, "Ooo!! Look how nauseous I am! It could be a symptom!"

So see? It all comes back to TTC, doesn't it?

Ally

allyinthevalley's picture
Joined: 01/31/08
Posts: 66
This Morning

Today my temp dropped. Not a huge drop by any means, but enough of one to know that one of three things is happening:
1) I'm on my way out for this cycle.
2) I had an implantation dip.
3) My body, once again, fooled me into thinking that I O'd when I didn't, and now it's "gearing up" to try again.

Things always take on a different light the next day. Something that I think is a HORRIBLE sign today may turn into a really good thing tomorrow. And I think, if it were not for the fact that I also have a cold, can hardly sleep at night for coughing, have pains in my stomach, and am so off-and-on nauseous that I can't eat anything more than an English Muffin for breakfast, I would be able to throw out a little more optimism today.

But I am all of those things. And I'm worn down and don't have the mental capacity right now to think far beyond this very hour. So I'm going to be annoyed that I'm missing church again this morning, and frustrated that I'm not basking in the light of an early BFP, and downright cranky about the fact that all of the stomach upsettedness of the last few days has, indeed, been the fault of a bug and not a bean.

Complaining Completed.

Ally

allyinthevalley's picture
Joined: 01/31/08
Posts: 66
Searching for the Bright Side

This morning brought on day 2 of temp drops. Sitting here now, in the evening, when my temps generally reach their high for the day, I temped and saw that they had dropped even more during the day. Below the coverline, in fact. Now I'm the first to admit that not much stock should be put into daytime temps, but I can't help but take this as a sign that AF may be right around the corner.

I don't want to be caught unaware. To have my hopes up so high and to refuse to see the truth that's staring me in the face. If I do that, it will hurt that much more. But I still want to stay positive, so I'm giving myself a list of things that I can do if AF shows her mean face this cycle.

1) Lose some more weight. I really wouldn't mind being down 9 or 10 more pounds before getting pregnant. (Really, who would?)
2) Get an early start on the December Birth Board, just in case I get my BFP this next cycle.
3) Take a REALLY HOT bath. Steaming hot. I love hot baths, but they are certainly a no-no in pregnancy!
4) Eat Chinese take-out, without worrying even the slightest about nausea kicking in.
5) Also eat a large sized Cappuccino Heath "Gourmet" Milkshake, and not worry at all about the caffeine content. (I do realize that the milkshake and Chinese are not conducive to weight-loss, but a few cheats never hurt anything.)
6) Have fun with the excuse to have lots and lots of sex again next month.

See? It can be fun, right? This could be not-so-bad.

Ally

allyinthevalley's picture
Joined: 01/31/08
Posts: 66
Whistlin' Dixie

Tomorrow AF is officially late. And I just keep waiting for either a 2nd line to show on my pregnancy tests of for AF to hurry up and get here.

I want to be positive either way. I want it to be all good.

I told DH that if we aren't pregnant this cycle that we should get another puppy.
He said, "No".
I think it'd be nice to at least have SOME kind of baby in the house.
He still says, "No".

Maybe if I'm not pregnant, I'll breed my birds. They're always having sex, anyway, so it wouldn't be too hard.

I think my ever persistent cough will eventually give me nice six-pack abs, because it's starting to hurt my stomach muscles when I cough.

Ally

allyinthevalley's picture
Joined: 01/31/08
Posts: 66
Something to Look Forward To

This morning my temp dropped BELOW the coverline.
And I got my 7th BFN of the last week.
I think that when you hit that many BFNs, it's best to start conserving money by giving up hope.
No AF yet, but I am entirely ignoring the battle cry of, "It's not over 'til she shows!!" No. No. I'm sorry. It is over.

I had such despair about it all this morning. All of this frustration just rained down on me and I walked around in a sort of stunned fog. I can not tell you just how much I really DID believe that this was my month. For it not to be was... devastating. Other women have gone through so much worse. I should be so eternally grateful that I have had the luck that I have when it has come to getting pregnant in the past (with two of my pregnancies being very healthy), but I didn't see that this morning. All I saw was crushed hope.

I'm doing better now, but I'm today opened my eyes in a very real way to some what-ifs. What if I'm damaged goods now? What if I never can have another baby? It's possible, you know. On the CTC we're always saying, "You WILL get pregnant!" "You WILL have another baby!!" And up until now, I have taken that as a given. Something that must come true. Now I'm seeing it as a cheer only. I think we all know, we MUST know, that there is always and ever the chance, for whatever reason, that we won't be able to have another baby.

I'm not saying this to be negative. I'm saying it so that I can be realistic. I cannot base my entire life around a baby that I don't know if I will ever have. I have to start looking at other positives and other possibilities in life. I have to have other goals. Ones that I control (almost) completely, and which I can assure myself that I can reach if I only put the work into it. If I can not step back and do that, then I risk being forever annoyed and forever disappointed by one BFN after another because I'm putting (as Jen pointed out to me (and that's a good thing)) ALL of my eggs in one basket. I have to spread them out.

I talked to Matt again about the puppy idea. We talked it out in an intelligent manner. And we actually came to an agreement. If we're not pregnant by the time we take our trip to Colorado at the beginning of May, then we'll buy a puppy while we're down there. Particularly a Collie, as they fit with our family the best. Something to spend some of that excess love on, and something to look forward to. So see? Now I know that by the 2nd week of May, one way or another, we'll have an extra member in our family. And this makes me very, very happy.

I also decided today to take a break from temping. It started as a completely irrational thought, because I was angry at my thermometer for letting me down again. But I thought it through, and I think that it's the right thing to do. Just for one cycle, to see how it goes. Then I'll decide, when and if that cycle ends, whether to pick it back up again. But I'm sort of addicted to it, and I think of it too often and check and recheck my chart constantly, and it's just not healthy.

I hope these things will help me to have a different view on TTC. I want it to be fun, from start to finish. I don't want to be so stressed out every day. If it could just happen, it would be awesome. And if it never does happen, well... I really want that to be awesome, too.


Ally

beckastar's picture
Joined: 01/09/08
Posts: 120

:bighug: I'm glad you will have a new family member no matter what.

AlyssaEimers's picture
Joined: 08/22/06
Posts: 6561

I have really been thinking of you this week.

:bigarmhug::bigarmhug::bigarmhug:

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

hi ally, i have never commented on a journal before, but i just wanted to tell you that i totally understand your last entry....i almost feel as if i could have written your exact words (well except for the puppy part...i have a puppy and he is wonderful...but 1 is enough! lol). i feel the same way about ttc....its supposed to be "fun", your supposed to "enjoy" it...but sometimes it becomes its own element and it comsumes you. i decided NOT to temp for the same reason you gave it up....even though we dont know eachother that well, i just want you to know that you really are not alone, and i am very glad you are having an optimistic attitude toward this whole thing! im doing the same, trying to just embrace everyday, enjoy my amazing family and let the future just unfold before my eyes. and your right, that is awesome! hugs (i dont know how to do the whole smiley thing...lol)

allyinthevalley's picture
Joined: 01/31/08
Posts: 66
Getting a Little Repetitive

Another morning, another BFN.

But, I think, this is okay. I'm in this place where I believe that all things will happen in their time, and I just have to sit back and watch them unfold. No amount of crying, no pleading for a baby, has brought one to me thus far. And I don't believe that they ever will. What I need right now is patience, hope, faith, and trust. And my time will come. When I least expect it, it will be here. Meanwhile, I just have all the more love to spend on the two adorable girls that I have in my life.

This morning I sent the family off to church without me. This is the fourth week in a row that I've skipped, which I'm a little ashamed of. But the month has been less than kind to me, and when life is that way I don't want to have to be surrounded by people, having to pretend that I'm happy to be there. And this morning in particular, I think what I need more than anything is just to be alone for several hours, able to meditate on the quiet and the sunshine and the good things of life.

It's a morning to just look inside. I have a bath running as I write. I have string music playing in the background. I have a bathrobe set aside to lounge about in all morning, and a lunch of popsicles and cereal (honestly, two of my favorite foods) planned for later. It will be a good start to a good day. A good recovery from what was sort of a shocking BFN.

Later today I'm buying an exercise bike. It's sort of a funny thing to buy. I always think of exercise bikes as the things that people buy and then just allow to sit in a corner and build up dust. But I'm hoping it won't be that way for me. I want it to be something that I can do every evening as I watch tv. I'm HOPING it won't bother my knees too much (which get sore really easily) and that when and if I do get pregnant, I can keep doing it throughout. For a while I was going running every day, and I think if I could I would prefer to continue that. But it was a very hard thing to make the time for, since it was done outside of the house. Hopefully (a lot of hope in this entry) this will be a better fit for our life.

And now my bath is almost full, so off I go to soak for an hour or so.

Ally

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