Astrid shares...a promise today and forever....

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Joined: 12/18/02
Posts: 3
Astrid shares...a promise today and forever....

I don't even know where to begin....

Somewhere along the way I felt as if I lost myself and I remember to look in the bluest eyes I've ever seen...those of my little girls. And I remind myself that mothering is the greatest career in the world. That we all complain and we all have our moments of self pity...but I have learned for the sake of my children that that is not fair, that our children feel and respond to our emotions and thrive by learned behaviours.

I'm not a perfect mother...nor am I a perfect woman, daughter, friend, employee, etc. I've made my mistakes, I even became pregnant at 16 and let down many people in my life. Which made it even more important to work hard, prove myself, to myself and my daughters and to those who have stood by me.

Now that I've come this far...I still havent' come far enough. I still have my fears, my concerns, my days of pity and I wish I didn't....because when you're called to duty upstairs and the day is done and you've taken your last breath...what really matters? I've seriously been asking myself that lately. Maybe because off all of the new things that have been happening in my life...

When Ella dumped the whole gallon of milk all over the floor when she was trying to help...was it worth getting angry over? Was $2.00 that big of a deal. Shattering my baby girls spirit?

When Luka painted the play room wall...shouldn't I have just laughed and thought how much she is like me, wanting to paint anything...

When together they got into the CD collection and ruined some of my favorites...couldn't I have just burnt new ones? Did I really like every song on the album anyway? Should they be punished for curiosity?

Looking back on those moments....I realized that I chipped away at their spirit and how unfair that was. They didn't ask to be born to a single mom at 16 years old. They didn't tell their daddy to run off to Boston and start a new life and live all cushiony and golden with his upper class family. I've come a long way and perhaps I lack crediting myself, but I have changed, my spirit grows everytime I encourage those of my little girls.

I remember to laugh, to sing, to paint hands and feet, to squish wet clay between fingers and toes. I let them explore, tap into their creativity and release their spirit...because above all things, what does a mother want?

For their child to have it better...

And while I may not be able to let go as easily, and I have been guilty of crushing a spirit, I will be damned if I teach my girls that it's okay to break down someones spirit...

My promise today and forever is this- I will not crush, damage, chip away, question or despise, the spirit of another.

Joined: 12/18/02
Posts: 3
2nd Entry of the day...

I'm sitting here thinking...way too much time on my hands on M-W-F when I'm behind a desk most of the day.

I'm worried about going to NYC in the near future, I worry about what will happen when the girls are so close to their father over in Boston- thats a hell of a difference from NYC to Boston, rather than Duluth, MN to Boston, lol. They don't know him and I'm not sure if I want them too...because he is so flakey and it's either in their lives, or not. Either be a dad or don't and he has yet to say or show that he wants to be one. He sends his child supp. every month, or rather his daddy cuts a company check to keep it all quiet... it's disgusting to tell you the truth. I'm sure 3/4 of his family don't know about Ella and Luka. :cry:

And I wonder what I will do about Paul. How I will deal out there. Moving in with him won't be a big deal, we're "friends"...or rather I'm his friend and he's my first love, lol. :oops: And he's so great to us, and he really wants us to move in with him, and I know it's goign to be hard on everyone and I worry that he really doesn't know what he's getting into. Of course he won't be in the apartment much seeing as he travels so much...but I still worry about this. Even though I already backed out once and he insisted I come anyway. We'll see I suppose. I'm just scared, scared that I haven't expressed my feelings and I dont' think that is fair to him. I don't know. He's such a great guy and I'm so ashamed of myself for not being honest with him, but I think I can put my feelings aside, I'm going to have too. I'm going to be working only p/t and since he owns the apt. outright from an inheritance we will split the property taxes and utilities, and I have agreed to cover all of the household necessities seeing there are 3 of us and 1 of him....thank god if nothing else sperm donor provides enough child. supp. now that I can get away with P/T work until the girls are in school full time.

I'm just confused and seeing this in front of me....I just don't realy know. Unfortunatly, I do know that mum is the word regarding my feelings for Paul... :?

Joined: 12/18/02
Posts: 3


I feel bad...I havne't accomplished much today. I was up late last night putting together my portfolio. Sperm donor sent me an email...more BS...heard I was moving to NYC. "Maybe I could come see the girls sometime"...yes...perhaps you could, or perhaps not. Arghh. I'm just so angry when it comes to him. I shouldn't be, we're all only human and make mistakes.

I don't know...I felt like writing more just moments ago...

I'm going out tonight. I can't beleive it. Frankie and Evan and Frankie's cousin want to hit the record stores in town and then who knows what else we'll do. It'll be nice to get out, I've been working so much lately. My dad's aunt is in town so the girls are going to hang out over there for the night.

Well...maybe I'll feel like coming back here more later...

(tried to edit...did my new siggy work???) okkkk, one more edit, see if my siggy works, think I got it right this time! :roll: