So after much deliberation I decided to finally start a journal. It's not really that I am looking for an audience or responses to anything I say, I am just looking for a place to put my thoughts. If I happen to gain either along the way, great. But mainly I am looking for the motivation of a community I am so involved in to make me write rather than keeping it all bottled up. Maybe because I am here so often I will keep up with this one, it'll be the first time but there is a first time for everything, LOL!
I guess I will start out by telling a little about myself....
I am Amanda and I am 21 years old. I married my wonderful DH, Justin, on December 31, 2002. I was pregnant at the time we married and that pregnancy is what actually led me to Preg.org. We lost our son, Brayden Chase, in early 2003 and I still have trouble with it and don't talk about it very much. I know that I definitely need to, but I just haven't found that comfort zone to do so yet. I can remember putting his name in my siggy on my birth board back in the summer and then I removed it. Subconsciously, I removed it and I honestly couldn't even explain why. Truth is, DH and I don't mention it very much at all. At times I feel like that is unfair to Brayden because he did exist and we were very excited about him, but I guess it is easier to put pain on the sidelines. I think about him a lot, and I know DH does as well, but I continue to pray that one day we can be more open with one another about him than we are.
Shortly after we lost Brayden, I found out I was expecting again. I had so many mixed feelings about expecting again so soon after the loss of Brayden and the entire pregnancy I worried myself sick. I am certain my worry and obsession over something going wrong is what led to my problems with my blood pressure. I was in and out of the hospital the entire pregnancy and then was admitted at 32 weeks for pre eclampsia and I then delivered Ava Lauren on November 12, 2003 at 1:19 a.m. She was 4, pounds 11, ounces and 17 1/2 inches long. Due to her early birth, she was in the NICU for a little while but she hasn't looked back since and is now a very healthy & happy 2 year old and hasn't had any complications at all.
Having Ava really changed me a lot. It made me see what life was really about and made me look at certain situations I have faced in my life in a completely different way. My Father's illness, my Mom's poor attitude, other crappy things that have happened...I am going through all of it for a reason and I don't believe that reason is to get the best of me. I have a purpose in this world and I am working on getting to where I feel in my heart I am supposed to be.
That change in attitude after having Ava made my pregnancy with Aubrey much better, I am sure. I admit I was a little apprehensive to find out I was expecting even after trying to conceive for 7 months. But I remained positive and decided I was going to get involved with a birth board here on Preg.org and my new attitude and friends got me through any apprehension I experienced along the way. Aubrey Elizabeth was born at 6:28 a.m. on January 20, 2006 weighing 8, pounds 5, ounces and she was 20 inches long. She is just such a joy to have and watching her & Ava together is better than I could have ever dreamed. I can't wait to watch them grow and share in all the things sister's share in...the good times & the bad, I look forward to seeing that special relationship between them develop.
When I decided to start this up I had no idea what to call it. I am not that creative and for some reason really wanted something that fit me. I have been a major fan of Kelly Clarkson ever since I saw her on "American Idol" almost 4 years ago. It may sound silly, ok I know it definitely does, but being a fan of her led me to some really great things in life. Shortly after the show ended I became active on a message board for the show and then followed some members to a message board specifically for Kelly Clarkson. I can honestly say I have 3 or 4 of my very best friends because of that, so I guess that is why I am such a fan of her's. It's funny how we all started out being fans and now when we talk, how we met never comes up...it's just like we've known each other forever. It's very much like some of my Preg.org friendships and we all know how special those are!
So back to my title....(I am a rambler :roll: )
I chose the title to be the name of a song by Kelly called 'Beautiful Disaster'...the song is about a guy and nothing but the title has a thing to do with me, but I have always thought it could probably describe my life. Since an early age I have dealt with one disaster after another...from my Dad's 1st stroke when I was 7, to my Mom's pessimistic attitude about EVERYTHING and me never being able to please the woman no matter what I have done, to losing Brayden, to any other issue...it's always there and I can't run away from those things. However, I feel incredibly blessed and life really is a beautiful thing.
God is giving me a chance to work through those trials, He has faith in me and is using me for the purpose he sees fit for me, and I can't be anything but grateful for that.
So while it's a disaster a lot of times, it sure is a beautiful one.