.::Beautiful Disaster::.

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Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852
.::Beautiful Disaster::.

So after much deliberation I decided to finally start a journal. It's not really that I am looking for an audience or responses to anything I say, I am just looking for a place to put my thoughts. If I happen to gain either along the way, great. But mainly I am looking for the motivation of a community I am so involved in to make me write rather than keeping it all bottled up. Maybe because I am here so often I will keep up with this one, it'll be the first time but there is a first time for everything, LOL!

I guess I will start out by telling a little about myself....

I am Amanda and I am 21 years old. I married my wonderful DH, Justin, on December 31, 2002. I was pregnant at the time we married and that pregnancy is what actually led me to Preg.org. We lost our son, Brayden Chase, in early 2003 and I still have trouble with it and don't talk about it very much. I know that I definitely need to, but I just haven't found that comfort zone to do so yet. I can remember putting his name in my siggy on my birth board back in the summer and then I removed it. Subconsciously, I removed it and I honestly couldn't even explain why. Truth is, DH and I don't mention it very much at all. At times I feel like that is unfair to Brayden because he did exist and we were very excited about him, but I guess it is easier to put pain on the sidelines. I think about him a lot, and I know DH does as well, but I continue to pray that one day we can be more open with one another about him than we are.

Shortly after we lost Brayden, I found out I was expecting again. I had so many mixed feelings about expecting again so soon after the loss of Brayden and the entire pregnancy I worried myself sick. I am certain my worry and obsession over something going wrong is what led to my problems with my blood pressure. I was in and out of the hospital the entire pregnancy and then was admitted at 32 weeks for pre eclampsia and I then delivered Ava Lauren on November 12, 2003 at 1:19 a.m. She was 4, pounds 11, ounces and 17 1/2 inches long. Due to her early birth, she was in the NICU for a little while but she hasn't looked back since and is now a very healthy & happy 2 year old and hasn't had any complications at all.

Having Ava really changed me a lot. It made me see what life was really about and made me look at certain situations I have faced in my life in a completely different way. My Father's illness, my Mom's poor attitude, other crappy things that have happened...I am going through all of it for a reason and I don't believe that reason is to get the best of me. I have a purpose in this world and I am working on getting to where I feel in my heart I am supposed to be.

That change in attitude after having Ava made my pregnancy with Aubrey much better, I am sure. I admit I was a little apprehensive to find out I was expecting even after trying to conceive for 7 months. But I remained positive and decided I was going to get involved with a birth board here on Preg.org and my new attitude and friends got me through any apprehension I experienced along the way. Aubrey Elizabeth was born at 6:28 a.m. on January 20, 2006 weighing 8, pounds 5, ounces and she was 20 inches long. She is just such a joy to have and watching her & Ava together is better than I could have ever dreamed. I can't wait to watch them grow and share in all the things sister's share in...the good times & the bad, I look forward to seeing that special relationship between them develop.

When I decided to start this up I had no idea what to call it. I am not that creative and for some reason really wanted something that fit me. I have been a major fan of Kelly Clarkson ever since I saw her on "American Idol" almost 4 years ago. It may sound silly, ok I know it definitely does, but being a fan of her led me to some really great things in life. Shortly after the show ended I became active on a message board for the show and then followed some members to a message board specifically for Kelly Clarkson. I can honestly say I have 3 or 4 of my very best friends because of that, so I guess that is why I am such a fan of her's. It's funny how we all started out being fans and now when we talk, how we met never comes up...it's just like we've known each other forever. It's very much like some of my Preg.org friendships and we all know how special those are! Wink

So back to my title....(I am a rambler :roll: )

I chose the title to be the name of a song by Kelly called 'Beautiful Disaster'...the song is about a guy and nothing but the title has a thing to do with me, but I have always thought it could probably describe my life. Since an early age I have dealt with one disaster after another...from my Dad's 1st stroke when I was 7, to my Mom's pessimistic attitude about EVERYTHING and me never being able to please the woman no matter what I have done, to losing Brayden, to any other issue...it's always there and I can't run away from those things. However, I feel incredibly blessed and life really is a beautiful thing.

God is giving me a chance to work through those trials, He has faith in me and is using me for the purpose he sees fit for me, and I can't be anything but grateful for that.

So while it's a disaster a lot of times, it sure is a beautiful one.


Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

So today Oprah is about the stories of Hurricane Katrina that we haven't heard. Stories about Mississippi, my state.

As long as I live, I will never forget August 29, 2005. We had been hearing for days that this huge hurricane was coming but they weren't sure exactly where it would come on shore. I remember our local news telling us all to bring in all of our things outside that could be blown by wind, to stock up on food & water, to be prepared for massive power outages.

The morning of August 29th was pretty typical around here, since we live in the Northern part of the state the storm was going to take some time to make it's way up to us after coming on shore. I remember getting up and getting ready for school and watching the weather channel and seeing it had made landfall and wondering what on earth the conditions would be like that evening. I went to school and as we were in class the Dean decided that school would be dismissed early and we wouldn't hold school the next day and I remember leaving really not knowing what was going to happen.

As I drove home the rain was beginning to fall and the wind pick up, I remember being so thankful I made it home safely and that DH, Ava, and I were there and that we had made it in before the weather got too bad. As the night went on the rain got harder and the wind stronger, about 8 PM our electricity went off and then it was just wind all night long. Wind and the sound of trees breaking and the roof making noises. I remember sitting there in bed with DH, with Ava in between us, praying as hard as I could for us and for the families down on the coast who had experienced hits from that storm that I couldn't even fathom. I felt incredibly blessed to be sitting there in the dark listening to that wind, atleast I had my house & my family.

The next day our neighborhood got out to pick up the branches and debris blown around, to call insurance companies about fixing our houses that had suffered any damage, to try to patch things up and go on with life. And atleast we could. The days after Hurricane Katrina were so emotionally painful to watch....to see MY state and MY people suffering just killed me. I'd watch the news and just cry and cry. I wanted to do something, I wanted to quit school right then and drive down and help in any way that I could. However, being pregnant didn't allow me to really put myself in harms way but DH did travel down several times to help clean up with our Church. And we made donations of whatever we could...food, clothing, money, anything to help.

And then life got back to normal around here, we were all cleaned up and patched up from it and we went on with our lives. But not Mississippi...Mississippi, as a whole, is still very much broken. Not very many days go by that I don't think about those people down on the coast living in tents and tiny little campers, or my fellow Mississippians who were sent to other parts of the country and who will never have the financial ability to come back "home". It's just not fair. This is America, we are supposed to be the greatest country on this earth yet we are allowing not only our adult citizens but our CHILDREN to live this way. Children are supposed to believe anything is possible, their magical view of life should not be taken away by the very place they are supposed to feel blessed to be born into. I don't understand it.

If Mississippi could fix this alone, we would have. If we could put every single member of this state into a home and take the past 6 months away you better believe we would have, that is just how we are. I am sure the people of New Orleans feel the same way, but we can't. I have tried not to question actions of this country thus far, I love my country and I have trusted decisions made when the majority of the world questioned it, but I am beginning to lose faith. I trust it is necessary to have men & women overseas for whatever reason (and I have to say I don't question our soldiers, to me the men and women who protect this country are heroes and I have nothing but admiration for them & their families who fight their own battle of letting that loved one go & do their job), I trust us spending money on foreign affairs is something that has to be done, but what I don't understand is how we can just ignore our own people. How can we help save the world if we can't even save ourselves? I am losing faith in things I never thought I'd question.

Oprah has a way about getting my wheels spinning, today just happened to hit really close to home. It leaves me wondering if things will ever be the same and if my faith in things will ever be as solid as it was before August 29th.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852
The very bumpy journey to my dream...

I am taking 16 hours of online classes this semester and I needed to have done that like I needed to take a mallet and knock myself over the head. I am famous for taking on these impossible tasks with the attitude of "I can do anything with ease!" and then sliding across the finish line by the skin of my nose and so stressed out that I'm probably on the verge of a breakdown.

Microbiology is about to get the best of me, I absolutely hate the class and I dislike the teacher even more if that's possible. She gives us like 900 pages of notes and doesn't even give us a broad outline of what will be on the test. I know...I know....welcome to college, FINALLY! But it sure is frustrating. Prior to this semester, my science teachers pretty much always gave us an outline on what to study for on a test, not her! No mam! And I don't know about the rest of the world...but I can not memorize 900 pages of notes. Yeah, I am exaggerating a tiny bit but I know there HAS to be 100! Wink I mean I once memorized all of the muscles in the body, but I can't memorize 1 part of cell metabolism and WHY?! When in this life will I EVER need to break it down and explain to people "Well now glycolosis does this and the Kreb's Cycle does this..." if anyone ever walks up to me and asks me to explain that I will surely find my way back to Preg.org and let everyone know.

I hate obstacles. Hate them. I know they aren't meant to be liked, but why does everything have to be so dang hard?! All I want is to be a nurse, that's it. I have wanted it my entire life and I couldn't even tell anyone why. It's not the money..I honestly don't even know how much I will make. I have wanted to do this since I was a little girl and it has never changed, I have never played around with majors..it has always been nursing. I feel like God has led me here, it's just something I am that sure of. And here I go with my rambling....

When I started Kindergarten there was a girl in my class that had been diagnosed with Leukemia a few months before school started. She had been diagnosed pretty late in the progression of the disease and sent from doctor to doctor to doctor and by the time she FINALLY got a diagnoses and got to St. Jude the cancer was in it's last stages and her chances of surviving were pretty much slim to none. Her parents went ahead and enrolled her in school and she was in my class. Our teacher thought it was important that we included Brandi in all of our activities even though she wasn't able to be there with us at school. We talked about her every day, we sent her cards every week, and got pictures of her and sent pictures of us to her.

I was born and lived til the summer before I started school in Memphis, Tennessee. Location of St. Jude Children's Research Hospital. My Grandmother still lived there after we moved and the rest of my Mom's family so we went up almost every weekend to stay with Nana and visit. It wasn't long after the school year started that my family and I got the job of taking cards, gifts, & pictures up to Brandi at St. Jude. I remember feeling so special that *I* got to do something that made Brandi feel better and was fascinated by St. Jude from that age on. I wanted to help the children there, I wanted to do whatever I could to make the feel better and enjoy life despite their horrible illness. That dream never left me.

Because of St. Jude, I sat next to Brandi on Graduation Day in 2003. The fascination and want to help has never left me. My goal in life is to become a nurse and work at St. Jude. There is a reason I was born in the location of this country that I was born in, there is a reason I was introduced to St. Jude in the way that I was so early on, and there is a reason my dream has never changed. I have a hard time believing God has another path for me. I won't be naive enough to say He couldn't possibly, but this path feels right. I know it will be a hard journey, it certainly has thus far, and I know without a doubt working at that hospital will be so hard on me emotionally...but I feel like I am meant to do this. I want to do this.

I may be kidding myself, Lord knows I have before...but how can I be so off base that I have let this dream lead me down a path not intended for me for most of my life?! How can you be THAT wrong about what you are meant to do in life?! I mean I *think* I know myself pretty well...so I have a really difficult time believing I finally got it WAY wrong and shot myself off the radar.

And if I have...I don't even know where to go from that realization. :roll:

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852
Hi, my name is Rude......

So I feel awful for even thinking this, but I can't help it.

My cousin is getting married in September and I am thrilled for her. It is wonderful and I wish her the very best. But why the crap did she have to include me in the wedding?!?! The thing is, she and I aren't like "best friend" close. She is 4 years older than I and we just haven't been close except for holidays and things like that. I love her dearly, don't get me wrong, but I just never expected her to call and ask me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. At the time she called I was like 60 pounds above my pre-pregnancy weight and about 37 weeks pregnant, it must have been one of my better days or I am pretty sure I would have thrown her a hormonal "Hell no!!" :shock: but I sounded cheerful and said I'd be glad to. Why do I always gotta be nice?! :roll:

So here I am with about 30 more pounds to lose going to get fitted for my dress on Saturday. I'd rather run about 6 miles and from the looks of things I probably need to! I just hate having to go get fitted for things like this not being happy with my body, it makes for a dreadful situation. I know it sounds incredibly petty, but hey...we're women! I am planning on losing weight by September but they can only alter the dress down 2 sizes so I have that to deal with as well....ugh, maybe this deadline will be the motivation I need but who in the world appreciates that kind of motivation?!

Hopefully I won't clear David's Bridal out when I walk out in that dress. Blum 3

On another tangent....

Why is it that our skaters get to the Olympics and then skate like it's their first day out on ice?! Well I won't say ALL of our skaters, but Sasha Cohen really banged it up just now. I am a fan of Emily Hughes, I hope to see her again in 2010. But women's figure skating aside...I will be happy for the games to end. It moved Oprah to another time slot and that just doesn't fly well with me. How dare anyone misplace Oprah?!


Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852
Still trying to get to Point B....

So one of the things in my life that is constantly an emotional issue for me is my Dad. He is a wonderful man and I am convinced I am one of the biggest Daddy's Girls alive...if you know bigger one's please don't spoil my claim by informing me of these folks. Wink

Daddy had a massive stroke when I was 7 years old. I remember the day it happened so clear. I was at dance class on that Saturday morning and when my Mom came to get me she told me that my Dad was sick and she was taking him to the hospital and that she was taking me to meet Mrs. Judy (our neighbor at the time) and that as soon as the doctor's saw about Daddy then she would be to get me. It is that clear, I even remember it was really cloudy out that day and the wind was blowing a bit. I remember going to our neighbor's house and playing with Brandon (their son who was 2 years older than I) and my brother and not having a care in the world. Later that evening, my Aunt came to get Jason and I to take us to her house until my Nana could get down from Tennessee to stay with us. They had found out Daddy had a stroke and ofcourse wouldn't be coming home until they found out what caused it and how he would be in his recovery process.

I don't remember being told much more than that, I think Jason was basically told the truth from the beginning but they sugar coated everything to me. I wasn't taken to see Daddy and I don't remember talking to him on the phone that much, I just remember him not being there. I remember Mom not being there. I know she obviously called every single day, multiple times a day, to check on Jason and I but I don't remember her...I just remember not having her. I never will forget being called out of Mrs. Ranager's classroom (it was school spirit day because I remember I was wearing my little cheerleading outfit) and seeing my Mom standing there at the office. She told me that she & Daddy were heading back to Memphis and that Daddy had to have surgery. I remember walking out through the back door and seeing the car parked there next to the gym. I remember Daddy getting out of the car, seeing me walking up, and him just breaking out in tears. I had no idea why Daddy was crying so much, and at that point in my life I don't really think I had seen him cry before. But I remember he picked me up and hugged me and kept telling me over and over how much he loved me and he kept kissing my cheek. If I think about it long enough I can still feel how tight he held onto me that day, even now after all this time has passed. Finally he sat me back onto the ground and they got ready to leave, as I walked away from them I remember him calling to me and saying "I love you, Pooh!" (Pooh is what he has called me since I was a baby) and at the time I had no idea why he was so upset, but now I know it was because he probably thought he would never see me again.

Obviously he made it through that surgery and I know this is sounding random to skip from going down memory lane to my current problem but sometimes I can really get into it and sometimes I can only skim because it's too painful to remember it all.

I guess the issue today is...how do I stop living like each day is the last day I will have with him? Yeah, it could very well be..but how do I stop letting it control my life? I felt like I was doing well until his stroke on July 15, 2005....then it all came crashing back down around me. I guess I had let myself forget this was life, I let myself forget my Dad has been sick for the past 14 years and on Disability and not always in his right mind because of his illness. I don't know why this has been so hard on me since July 15th of last year but it has and I am sick of it.

I am sick of everytime I talk to Mom and she mentions that Daddy isn't feeling well...me automatically assuming something horrible will happen and I start in praying for God to please not take Daddy from me yet. And what right do I have to even say that to God? I am not a perfect person and what reason have I given God to do whatever I want him to do? I get sick of every Christmas I have with Daddy to wonder if this will be my last with him...that is NOT normal! I feel like I have some awful mental problem! I mean to think about someone dying so much at 21 years old is just not normal and I feel like a freak.

This was all brought on by a phone conversation with Mom a bit ago and she telling me Daddy was really emotional today (sometimes he gets that way) and the fact that he wasn't feeling well. Right off the bat I started to get the sick feeling in my stomach and start to panic about the "what ifs" and I feel so selfish...I mean I have had my Dad for 21 years when some people have never had one or they lost their Dad at a much younger age and then I start beating myself up again. But the fact of the matter is, I can not make this go away...I can not force myself into seeing I am being ridiculous and I can not force myself into not doing this anymore. It has been 14 years and I still let this control my thoughts. I have days where I can just not think about it at all and then I have days like today and it's not fair...it's not fair to me who will get in a depressed mood because of it and it is not fair from my friends & family who know something is wrong but don't know for sure because I hide it from everyone.

I just feel like there is something horribly horribly wrong with me. To be 21 years old and think about your Father passing and even thinking about small details like things to do at a funeral...it scares me. I feel like I need help, but I never get any farther in telling people this than myself or an online journal...DH doesn't even realize how consumed I am by this. It's just not fair and I get angry at myself for it.

:roll: I just don't know how to fix myself....

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852
Nobody wanted to hear from YOU, Mr. Gallbladder....

For the past 3 days everytime I eat I get horrible pains on my right side not too far under my right breast and it wraps around to my back and sometimes up in my shoulder blade. Not to be outdone, nausea comes in full force and my colon has had a thing or 2 to say about this whole deal.


Thank God Aubrey has been satisfied taking pumped milk in a bottle because between popping Phenergan and being curled up on my bed...breastfeeding has gone neglected. Sad

I go to the doctor tomorrow at 1:30 p.m. to see what the hell this is. I swear 21 years and NOW my gallbladder decides to make itself known. I'm not saying it's my gallbladder for sure, but my google searches sure don't support otherwise.


Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852
Answers PLEASE!!!!

So it's been a few days...I have been swamped with school as well as this stupid pain and nausea, but I am dealing, lol.

I go on Tuesday morning at 8:00 for a ultrasound and some type of scan. I dunno, they both check my gallbladder so we'll see. If it's not my gallbladder I am going to rant and rave until SOMEONE finds out what it is. I mean I don't wanna seem like a hypochondriac, but I am sick of pain & nausea...I'd love it if someone could tell me what is up, lol.

If I make it to Friday (as far as school goes) it will be a blessing, I think the teachers gather around and come up with plots to drive student's out of their minds! It's not enough to have a paper due in every class, but we have to throw in some tests too! Kick us while we're down! :roll:

OK...I really need to stop complaining! Smile

Tomorrow we are taking Aubrey to Church for the first time, it'll be nice to get back into a Sunday routine and show her off! It has taken us long enough, I know...but between me not feeling well for about 2 weeks after she was born, then the winter weather coming through, tomorrow has been the best Sunday thus far. It's as good a time as any I say!

Just 6 more days til Spring Break, I am gonna make it.......

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852
Petty, but need some advice....

So I didn't think this had a place on my birth board, it is much too winded and well most people simply don't have time to sit and read my rant, lol. I thought since this is a board for journals, and obviously people read them, that maybe I could get some advice either on the comment thread OR through PM. If you have any wisdom to offer up, holler at me! Wink

Ok.....this is basically a delimma about what to do in a situation. Are my feelings justified or should I grow up and just get over myself. For anyone reading this, thank you in advance!

I have a friend who I've been close to for about 8 years. We had always known one another because I come from a VERY small community and in school both my grade and her's together did not churn out even 70 kids! So despite us not always being close, we knew of one another.

In 7th grade my family decided to switch Churchs in the community and we ended up coming to her Church. She and I were in the same Sunday school class, the same choir, the same youth group and we quickly became the best of friends. I am talking about the type of friends that are constantly going to one another's house, always spending the night with each other, talking on the phone every single day, chatting on the internet all the time, even went on 6 vacations together...just really really close friends. We remained this way all through high school and even after she graduated and I was a senior we never lost touch, even beyond that! She was in my wedding when I married in 2002 and has always been involved with my girls.

She got engaged in December of 2004 and over the past 6 months or so has been planning her wedding. While I know we have grown apart some, I was utterly SHOCKED to find out that she would not be asking me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. Infact, she hasn't asked me to do a single thing in her wedding! She has 5 maids + her maid of honor, yet I was not asked to do anything. I was understanding when I heard she had asked 3 of her cousin's to be in the wedding and I always knew her maid of honor would be her friend she had known since 1st grade and graduated with, what came as a shock to me was her asking a girl she has known less than a year to be in her wedding AND the girlfriend of one of her Fiance's groomsmen!! I understood up until that point. I have been friends with this girl for 8 years, we have shared SO much, she was involved in my wedding...and this is what I get?!

I know we haven't had an argument to make her feel this way and she even had the nerve (this is my delimma) to call and ask if Ava could be a flower girl in the wedding! I didn't say anything to her at that point, just told her Ava was already doing that duty in my cousin's wedding in September and I'd talk to DH about it since we'd have to buy yet ANOTHER flower girl dress, shoes, etc. It's not that we couldn't buy it, but that was the only excuse I could give to put her off.

Right now I feel pissed off that she would do this. It's not the fact of her being angry at me, I honest to God thing she did this because someone had to be left out and she felt I'd forgive her as I have always done. Totally taking advantage of our friendship, or what used to be a friendship. I am just really hurt and honestly have contemplated not even attending her wedding. But then again I know I should take the high road and just not let her get to me, but it hurts and seeing those 2 girls that have no place in her life (especially the girlfriend of the groomsman), will be a slap in my face.

So what would YOU do? Would you be done with her OR would you take the better path and allow Ava to be in the wedding and attend and smile and act like nothing was wrong?

If you made it this far, thank you. I just don't know what to do in this situation...I wish I didn't even have to post this. Sad

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852
Vacation all I ever wanted....

So as of yesterday afternoon around 3:30 PM when I logged off the Virtual College site...SPRING BREAK started!!!

Most probably figure I'll be packing up and heading down to Florida where I will be featured on the next dvd of "Girls Gone Wild"....hardly! I will be taking my fun filled vacation to the hospital on Wednesday to have my gallbladder removed. Thats right...after 21 years together, we've decided to part ways.

The tests came back showing my gallbladder was only functioning 15% and normal function is 80% so I don't think I have much choice but to get the thing removed. Didn't have any stones though, so yay for that!! I met with the surgeon this past Thursday and lucky for me he didn't strike me as a big ol freak. He was a nice guy who was actually friendly. I wanted to have it done on Monday but they were all booked up so Wednesday is the first day they could get me in, so I go on Wednesday the 15th to have it done.

March 15th is actually not the best day for me. Not only was Julius Ceasar killed on that day, but it's also my Brayden's angel day. Funny how you just go through life as peaceful as possible and something completely unrelated throws it back at you. Ofcourse I would have remembered it, I never forget the 15th but I guess I don't think about it until that day. Like I put it in the back of my mind and then when I wake up that day then it hits me. I have mixed emotions about it and as anyone can see, I don't deal with it a lot. I deal with it so little that I still take the comical approach to it and I know that isn't normal. When I wanna hide from something I make it funny to myself, I've always been that way. I certainly don't think it funny that I lost my son, but what I mean is rather than let the emotions hit me...I look for things to be funny about, just anything to keep from feeling the brunt of what I know is there. I don't know how to get beyond that, it's been 3 years and I am no better than I was in the beginning.

Sometimes I feel like it's all some joke...I mean, not only is my Spring Break ruined by surgery, but did we really have to do it on THAT day?!


Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852
It's been awhile....

So it has been a while since I updated, life just got hectic! It happens every once in a while for me!


I am so sick of school, I swear I could start screaming and never stop. I can't wait til I get to something interesting in my degree...that should come in the fall, so maybe I will be more motivated then. I pray! We only have a few more weeks left in this semester though, so the end is in sight!

I guess what caused me to come update tonight was thoughts racing through my head. On May 24th it will be one year since my Aunt passed away and I have been thinking about it a lot. I will say that she has been the first death in my family that was like losing a Grandparent. My Paternal Grandfather passed away 1 month before I was born and I never knew my Maternal Grandfather, but he passed in 1998. Both of my Grandmother's are still alive, so losing my Aunt (Maternal Grandmother's sister) was the first real death like that in my family.

We had always been incredibly incredibly close. My Nana and her were the best of friends and we spent every single holiday at her house. She was always so full of life and I guess a big attraction to her was the fact that everyone says I act just like her. After my Uncle passed in 1995 she didn't stop for a moment, she picked herself up and went right on enjoying life just like he would have wanted. She traveled with several other widowed friends and loved to entertain and spend time with all of us. I guess I never imagined her not being here, like I never imagined she wouldn't beat every obstacle thrown at her.

She suffered a heart attack in the summer of 2004 and at that time her doctor said because of other health problems she had, she was basically like a time bomb and he gave her about a year. I never accepted that, ever. I mean nothing could get the best of Aunt Betty! In November of 2004, we threw her a huge birthday party and I remember my Mom saying I had to make sure I made it up to Tennessee for it because it would be her last birthday and I remember getting kinda pissy with Mom on the phone because she was being negative, once again...refused to accept reality. We spent Christmas of 2004 together as well and still, I didn't even think about her not being there the next year.

She went on a trip in January of 2005 and came back and went in the hospital with Pneumonia about a week later and was in there for a month before being sent home on Hospice in February. I remember going up to see her and one of the first things she asked was if I had gotten "The Notebook" on dvd yet, lol. She loved the movie just as much as I did and now everytime I see it, I think of her. After seeing her that time I didn't go back until April because it was just so hard to see her, and I do feel guilty about not seeing her more often but I know she knew I loved her and I am thankful I saw her as much as I did. I am glad I have more memories of her in better health than laying in the hospital bed in her living room.

She passed on May 24th and I was really shocked at how hard it hit me. Normally losing people doesn't bother me like losing her did. I don't mean to sound heartless, but I guess I hide emotions really well. But months later I would find myself being reminded of her and just breaking down and crying. When we got together for 4th of July I really think we were still in shock, so we did pretty well. Thanksgiving was the absolute worst and I hated being there the entire time. The food wasn't good, the day was dull, I just really felt her not being there more than I ever had since her funeral. Christmas was a bit better, maybe it was because the inital shock had hit us at Thanksgiving but whatever the reason I allowed myself to enjoy Christmas.

It is so hard to believe she will have been gone a year next month, sometimes I still have to remind myself that yes...it really happened. I just dread the day and I miss her like crazy and I'd pretty much give anything to hear her voice again, but I know that one day I will. Smile

Now that I got all that out off my mind maybe I can go to bed now that its 3:30 AM, lol.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

So I have been doing some thinking and it has occured to me that just because you are a woman that has eggs, a uterus, a cervix and other assorted hormones & parts that aid in reproduction..that does not under any circumstances mean that you should find a man and have a child.

I am the living embodiment of what will happen when you crank up the ol reproductive system just to see if it'll work.

It goes without saying that my Mother and I have a troubled relationship. I would say it was all my fault, but thats all my Mother does so for once I will take a different approach to this and blame it on her. Lord knows I am not perfect, I am a far cry from it, but I know I am not dreaming all of this up. I have really never been close to my Mom, not even as a little girl. Physically or emotionally. My Daddy was always the one I was affectionate with...the hugs, kisses, bedtime stories...all my Daddy. My Grandmother is who I was emotionally close to..I went to her for the advice, the hard times, etc. My Mom....well she took me to the ballgames, the dance lessons, she was the disciplinarian...but as far as doing things with me that you see the stereotypical Mom doing...that wasn't her.

From a very early age, my Mom always made me feel like I wasn't good enough. I am her only daughter, so I guess she had this image of what she wanted me to be like. Her best friend had a daughter the same age as me and growing up I was always compared to her, compared to the point I resented the daughter of her friend and hated being in their company. Softball wasn't just for fun, if I didn't get placed on the starting line up or get to bat in the "clean up batter" spot...then the entire drive home I got to listen to how much I didn't try and how much my Mom gave up to sit at those ballgames and then I basically "halfa**sed" it. Whenever I was proud of myself, I knew never to show it to Mom because I was always met with that critical eye. Eventually, I didn't even know how to be proud of myself anymore because she never showed it. Ever.

It was in every area of my life though and it never stopped. What I did was alright but it could have been better, that has been her motto since day 1. No matter if I made the honor roll in high school, or won a competition in a club event, or scored 10 points in a basketball game or got a new sunday school pin at Church...it was good but if I had tried just a little bit harder...it could have been better. And I never even tried to tell her that was the best I could do and I was proud of myself, she made me feel ashamed for being proud.

This all comes up because of how I have been feeling lately. I am not sure if what I have could be classified as PPD, I had it with Ava and was on meds for a short while and then I felt like myself again. I won't say I feel the same way that I did with Ava, but I have just not felt myself. I feel detached from things I was once very attached to, I just feel overwhelmed and at times I just would rather be left alone to lay in my bed and watch tv rather than get up and face the world. I don't have any resentment toward my girls at all...it's just some days I feel better than others. I guess to a degree that is 100% normal, we all have good days and bad days, but I am usually a "glass half full" person so it bothered me. Yesterday I saw my doctor and she said it sounded like anxiety so she decided to put me on some meds and see how that did.

Last night Mom calls and I don't really even know why I mentioned it to her, in retrospect it was probabaly one of my most ignorant moves thus far in life, but I needed someone to talk to. For once in my life, I needed a Mom. What do I get? I get made fun of for going to the doctor about how I have been feeling, I get compared to her cousin who has been in and out of mental hospitals for the past 10 years or so, and I get called a liar for making things up to get attention.

Thanks "Mom".

She tells me I am a liar, you know, maybe so...maybe God conked me on the head one night and placed all these memories of her in my head just so I'd go through life lying out my a** about her and making her look bad. Maybe so! And maybe nobody cares about me like she says, she tells me nobody cares about me or my drama and I just need to save it, she could be right. I mean, perhaps I don't have a friend on this earth. Maybe everyone I have met in my life really couldn't care less and they just keep me around to meet their "friend quota" or something! Not only that, but I am good for nothing and she has had to sacrifice her entire life for me...and I guess so, maybe I was her own personal plague sent to ruin her life and all things in it. I guess that is what I am...a narcissistic, hateful, worthless, good for nothing, disliked, A$$! Maybe she will get an extra jewel in her crown up in Heaven for putting up with the likes of me down here on earth!

So it's times like this when I wonder why she even had me. They sell punching bags at local sports stores and if she just needed someone to yell at there is always the thin air! I don't understand why someone like her could be blessed to have a child when there are people out there who deserve children and can't have them or have lost them. And I swear...if some of my dear friends who have been touched by either heartbreak could have a child in exchange for my Mom not ever having me...I'd gladly trade.

But since I can't...I just make it my life's mission to not be like her. I will be different for my girls, I will be proud and smile and always tell them to hold their heads up high and be proud of who they are and what their passion is, no matter if they want to be doctors or if they want to scrub toilets (and not that its a bad job, lol) then I am gonna be proud of them and tell people those are MY girls and that is what they do! I refuse to be my Mother, to me that would be a fate worse than death.