The very bumpy journey to my dream...
I am taking 16 hours of online classes this semester and I needed to have done that like I needed to take a mallet and knock myself over the head. I am famous for taking on these impossible tasks with the attitude of "I can do anything with ease!" and then sliding across the finish line by the skin of my nose and so stressed out that I'm probably on the verge of a breakdown.
Microbiology is about to get the best of me, I absolutely hate the class and I dislike the teacher even more if that's possible. She gives us like 900 pages of notes and doesn't even give us a broad outline of what will be on the test. I know...I know....welcome to college, FINALLY! But it sure is frustrating. Prior to this semester, my science teachers pretty much always gave us an outline on what to study for on a test, not her! No mam! And I don't know about the rest of the world...but I can not memorize 900 pages of notes. Yeah, I am exaggerating a tiny bit but I know there HAS to be 100! ;) I mean I once memorized all of the muscles in the body, but I can't memorize 1 part of cell metabolism and WHY?! When in this life will I EVER need to break it down and explain to people "Well now glycolosis does this and the Kreb's Cycle does this..." if anyone ever walks up to me and asks me to explain that I will surely find my way back to Preg.org and let everyone know.
I hate obstacles. Hate them. I know they aren't meant to be liked, but why does everything have to be so dang hard?! All I want is to be a nurse, that's it. I have wanted it my entire life and I couldn't even tell anyone why. It's not the money..I honestly don't even know how much I will make. I have wanted to do this since I was a little girl and it has never changed, I have never played around with majors..it has always been nursing. I feel like God has led me here, it's just something I am that sure of. And here I go with my rambling....
When I started Kindergarten there was a girl in my class that had been diagnosed with Leukemia a few months before school started. She had been diagnosed pretty late in the progression of the disease and sent from doctor to doctor to doctor and by the time she FINALLY got a diagnoses and got to St. Jude the cancer was in it's last stages and her chances of surviving were pretty much slim to none. Her parents went ahead and enrolled her in school and she was in my class. Our teacher thought it was important that we included Brandi in all of our activities even though she wasn't able to be there with us at school. We talked about her every day, we sent her cards every week, and got pictures of her and sent pictures of us to her.
I was born and lived til the summer before I started school in Memphis, Tennessee. Location of St. Jude Children's Research Hospital. My Grandmother still lived there after we moved and the rest of my Mom's family so we went up almost every weekend to stay with Nana and visit. It wasn't long after the school year started that my family and I got the job of taking cards, gifts, & pictures up to Brandi at St. Jude. I remember feeling so special that *I* got to do something that made Brandi feel better and was fascinated by St. Jude from that age on. I wanted to help the children there, I wanted to do whatever I could to make the feel better and enjoy life despite their horrible illness. That dream never left me.
Because of St. Jude, I sat next to Brandi on Graduation Day in 2003. The fascination and want to help has never left me. My goal in life is to become a nurse and work at St. Jude. There is a reason I was born in the location of this country that I was born in, there is a reason I was introduced to St. Jude in the way that I was so early on, and there is a reason my dream has never changed. I have a hard time believing God has another path for me. I won't be naive enough to say He couldn't possibly, but this path feels right. I know it will be a hard journey, it certainly has thus far, and I know without a doubt working at that hospital will be so hard on me emotionally...but I feel like I am meant to do this. I want to do this.
I may be kidding myself, Lord knows I have before...but how can I be so off base that I have let this dream lead me down a path not intended for me for most of my life?! How can you be THAT wrong about what you are meant to do in life?! I mean I *think* I know myself pretty well...so I have a really difficult time believing I finally got it WAY wrong and shot myself off the radar.
And if I have...I don't even know where to go from that realization. :roll:
Hi, my name is Rude......
So I feel awful for even thinking this, but I can't help it.
My cousin is getting married in September and I am thrilled for her. It is wonderful and I wish her the very best. But why the crap did she have to include me in the wedding?!?! The thing is, she and I aren't like "best friend" close. She is 4 years older than I and we just haven't been close except for holidays and things like that. I love her dearly, don't get me wrong, but I just never expected her to call and ask me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. At the time she called I was like 60 pounds above my pre-pregnancy weight and about 37 weeks pregnant, it must have been one of my better days or I am pretty sure I would have thrown her a hormonal "Hell no!!" :shock: but I sounded cheerful and said I'd be glad to. Why do I always gotta be nice?! :roll:
So here I am with about 30 more pounds to lose going to get fitted for my dress on Saturday. I'd rather run about 6 miles and from the looks of things I probably need to! I just hate having to go get fitted for things like this not being happy with my body, it makes for a dreadful situation. I know it sounds incredibly petty, but hey...we're women! I am planning on losing weight by September but they can only alter the dress down 2 sizes so I have that to deal with as well....ugh, maybe this deadline will be the motivation I need but who in the world appreciates that kind of motivation?!
Hopefully I won't clear David's Bridal out when I walk out in that dress. :P
On another tangent....
Why is it that our skaters get to the Olympics and then skate like it's their first day out on ice?! Well I won't say ALL of our skaters, but Sasha Cohen really banged it up just now. I am a fan of Emily Hughes, I hope to see her again in 2010. But women's figure skating aside...I will be happy for the games to end. It moved Oprah to another time slot and that just doesn't fly well with me. How dare anyone misplace Oprah?!
Still trying to get to Point B....
So one of the things in my life that is constantly an emotional issue for me is my Dad. He is a wonderful man and I am convinced I am one of the biggest Daddy's Girls alive...if you know bigger one's please don't spoil my claim by informing me of these folks. ;)
Daddy had a massive stroke when I was 7 years old. I remember the day it happened so clear. I was at dance class on that Saturday morning and when my Mom came to get me she told me that my Dad was sick and she was taking him to the hospital and that she was taking me to meet Mrs. Judy (our neighbor at the time) and that as soon as the doctor's saw about Daddy then she would be to get me. It is that clear, I even remember it was really cloudy out that day and the wind was blowing a bit. I remember going to our neighbor's house and playing with Brandon (their son who was 2 years older than I) and my brother and not having a care in the world. Later that evening, my Aunt came to get Jason and I to take us to her house until my Nana could get down from Tennessee to stay with us. They had found out Daddy had a stroke and ofcourse wouldn't be coming home until they found out what caused it and how he would be in his recovery process.
I don't remember being told much more than that, I think Jason was basically told the truth from the beginning but they sugar coated everything to me. I wasn't taken to see Daddy and I don't remember talking to him on the phone that much, I just remember him not being there. I remember Mom not being there. I know she obviously called every single day, multiple times a day, to check on Jason and I but I don't remember her...I just remember not having her. I never will forget being called out of Mrs. Ranager's classroom (it was school spirit day because I remember I was wearing my little cheerleading outfit) and seeing my Mom standing there at the office. She told me that she & Daddy were heading back to Memphis and that Daddy had to have surgery. I remember walking out through the back door and seeing the car parked there next to the gym. I remember Daddy getting out of the car, seeing me walking up, and him just breaking out in tears. I had no idea why Daddy was crying so much, and at that point in my life I don't really think I had seen him cry before. But I remember he picked me up and hugged me and kept telling me over and over how much he loved me and he kept kissing my cheek. If I think about it long enough I can still feel how tight he held onto me that day, even now after all this time has passed. Finally he sat me back onto the ground and they got ready to leave, as I walked away from them I remember him calling to me and saying "I love you, Pooh!" (Pooh is what he has called me since I was a baby) and at the time I had no idea why he was so upset, but now I know it was because he probably thought he would never see me again.
Obviously he made it through that surgery and I know this is sounding random to skip from going down memory lane to my current problem but sometimes I can really get into it and sometimes I can only skim because it's too painful to remember it all.
I guess the issue today is...how do I stop living like each day is the last day I will have with him? Yeah, it could very well be..but how do I stop letting it control my life? I felt like I was doing well until his stroke on July 15, 2005....then it all came crashing back down around me. I guess I had let myself forget this was life, I let myself forget my Dad has been sick for the past 14 years and on Disability and not always in his right mind because of his illness. I don't know why this has been so hard on me since July 15th of last year but it has and I am sick of it.
I am sick of everytime I talk to Mom and she mentions that Daddy isn't feeling well...me automatically assuming something horrible will happen and I start in praying for God to please not take Daddy from me yet. And what right do I have to even say that to God? I am not a perfect person and what reason have I given God to do whatever I want him to do? I get sick of every Christmas I have with Daddy to wonder if this will be my last with him...that is NOT normal! I feel like I have some awful mental problem! I mean to think about someone dying so much at 21 years old is just not normal and I feel like a freak.
This was all brought on by a phone conversation with Mom a bit ago and she telling me Daddy was really emotional today (sometimes he gets that way) and the fact that he wasn't feeling well. Right off the bat I started to get the sick feeling in my stomach and start to panic about the "what ifs" and I feel so selfish...I mean I have had my Dad for 21 years when some people have never had one or they lost their Dad at a much younger age and then I start beating myself up again. But the fact of the matter is, I can not make this go away...I can not force myself into seeing I am being ridiculous and I can not force myself into not doing this anymore. It has been 14 years and I still let this control my thoughts. I have days where I can just not think about it at all and then I have days like today and it's not fair...it's not fair to me who will get in a depressed mood because of it and it is not fair from my friends & family who know something is wrong but don't know for sure because I hide it from everyone.
I just feel like there is something horribly horribly wrong with me. To be 21 years old and think about your Father passing and even thinking about small details like things to do at a funeral...it scares me. I feel like I need help, but I never get any farther in telling people this than myself or an online journal...DH doesn't even realize how consumed I am by this. It's just not fair and I get angry at myself for it.
:roll: I just don't know how to fix myself....
Nobody wanted to hear from YOU, Mr. Gallbladder....
For the past 3 days everytime I eat I get horrible pains on my right side not too far under my right breast and it wraps around to my back and sometimes up in my shoulder blade. Not to be outdone, nausea comes in full force and my colon has had a thing or 2 to say about this whole deal.
Thank God Aubrey has been satisfied taking pumped milk in a bottle because between popping Phenergan and being curled up on my bed...breastfeeding has gone neglected. :(
I go to the doctor tomorrow at 1:30 p.m. to see what the hell this is. I swear 21 years and NOW my gallbladder decides to make itself known. I'm not saying it's my gallbladder for sure, but my google searches sure don't support otherwise.
Petty, but need some advice....
So I didn't think this had a place on my birth board, it is much too winded and well most people simply don't have time to sit and read my rant, lol. I thought since this is a board for journals, and obviously people read them, that maybe I could get some advice either on the comment thread OR through PM. If you have any wisdom to offer up, holler at me! ;)
Ok.....this is basically a delimma about what to do in a situation. Are my feelings justified or should I grow up and just get over myself. For anyone reading this, thank you in advance!
I have a friend who I've been close to for about 8 years. We had always known one another because I come from a VERY small community and in school both my grade and her's together did not churn out even 70 kids! So despite us not always being close, we knew of one another.
In 7th grade my family decided to switch Churchs in the community and we ended up coming to her Church. She and I were in the same Sunday school class, the same choir, the same youth group and we quickly became the best of friends. I am talking about the type of friends that are constantly going to one another's house, always spending the night with each other, talking on the phone every single day, chatting on the internet all the time, even went on 6 vacations together...just really really close friends. We remained this way all through high school and even after she graduated and I was a senior we never lost touch, even beyond that! She was in my wedding when I married in 2002 and has always been involved with my girls.
She got engaged in December of 2004 and over the past 6 months or so has been planning her wedding. While I know we have grown apart some, I was utterly SHOCKED to find out that she would not be asking me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. Infact, she hasn't asked me to do a single thing in her wedding! She has 5 maids + her maid of honor, yet I was not asked to do anything. I was understanding when I heard she had asked 3 of her cousin's to be in the wedding and I always knew her maid of honor would be her friend she had known since 1st grade and graduated with, what came as a shock to me was her asking a girl she has known less than a year to be in her wedding AND the girlfriend of one of her Fiance's groomsmen!! I understood up until that point. I have been friends with this girl for 8 years, we have shared SO much, she was involved in my wedding...and this is what I get?!
I know we haven't had an argument to make her feel this way and she even had the nerve (this is my delimma) to call and ask if Ava could be a flower girl in the wedding! I didn't say anything to her at that point, just told her Ava was already doing that duty in my cousin's wedding in September and I'd talk to DH about it since we'd have to buy yet ANOTHER flower girl dress, shoes, etc. It's not that we couldn't buy it, but that was the only excuse I could give to put her off.
Right now I feel pissed off that she would do this. It's not the fact of her being angry at me, I honest to God thing she did this because someone had to be left out and she felt I'd forgive her as I have always done. Totally taking advantage of our friendship, or what used to be a friendship. I am just really hurt and honestly have contemplated not even attending her wedding. But then again I know I should take the high road and just not let her get to me, but it hurts and seeing those 2 girls that have no place in her life (especially the girlfriend of the groomsman), will be a slap in my face.
So what would YOU do? Would you be done with her OR would you take the better path and allow Ava to be in the wedding and attend and smile and act like nothing was wrong?
If you made it this far, thank you. I just don't know what to do in this situation...I wish I didn't even have to post this. :(
Vacation all I ever wanted....
So as of yesterday afternoon around 3:30 PM when I logged off the Virtual College site...SPRING BREAK started!!!
Most probably figure I'll be packing up and heading down to Florida where I will be featured on the next dvd of "Girls Gone Wild"....hardly! I will be taking my fun filled vacation to the hospital on Wednesday to have my gallbladder removed. Thats right...after 21 years together, we've decided to part ways.
The tests came back showing my gallbladder was only functioning 15% and normal function is 80% so I don't think I have much choice but to get the thing removed. Didn't have any stones though, so yay for that!! I met with the surgeon this past Thursday and lucky for me he didn't strike me as a big ol freak. He was a nice guy who was actually friendly. I wanted to have it done on Monday but they were all booked up so Wednesday is the first day they could get me in, so I go on Wednesday the 15th to have it done.
March 15th is actually not the best day for me. Not only was Julius Ceasar killed on that day, but it's also my Brayden's angel day. Funny how you just go through life as peaceful as possible and something completely unrelated throws it back at you. Ofcourse I would have remembered it, I never forget the 15th but I guess I don't think about it until that day. Like I put it in the back of my mind and then when I wake up that day then it hits me. I have mixed emotions about it and as anyone can see, I don't deal with it a lot. I deal with it so little that I still take the comical approach to it and I know that isn't normal. When I wanna hide from something I make it funny to myself, I've always been that way. I certainly don't think it funny that I lost my son, but what I mean is rather than let the emotions hit me...I look for things to be funny about, just anything to keep from feeling the brunt of what I know is there. I don't know how to get beyond that, it's been 3 years and I am no better than I was in the beginning.
Sometimes I feel like it's all some joke...I mean, not only is my Spring Break ruined by surgery, but did we really have to do it on THAT day?!