So I have been doing some thinking and it has occured to me that just because you are a woman that has eggs, a uterus, a cervix and other assorted hormones & parts that aid in reproduction..that does not under any circumstances mean that you should find a man and have a child.
I am the living embodiment of what will happen when you crank up the ol reproductive system just to see if it'll work.
It goes without saying that my Mother and I have a troubled relationship. I would say it was all my fault, but thats all my Mother does so for once I will take a different approach to this and blame it on her. Lord knows I am not perfect, I am a far cry from it, but I know I am not dreaming all of this up. I have really never been close to my Mom, not even as a little girl. Physically or emotionally. My Daddy was always the one I was affectionate with...the hugs, kisses, bedtime stories...all my Daddy. My Grandmother is who I was emotionally close to..I went to her for the advice, the hard times, etc. My Mom....well she took me to the ballgames, the dance lessons, she was the disciplinarian...but as far as doing things with me that you see the stereotypical Mom doing...that wasn't her.
From a very early age, my Mom always made me feel like I wasn't good enough. I am her only daughter, so I guess she had this image of what she wanted me to be like. Her best friend had a daughter the same age as me and growing up I was always compared to her, compared to the point I resented the daughter of her friend and hated being in their company. Softball wasn't just for fun, if I didn't get placed on the starting line up or get to bat in the "clean up batter" spot...then the entire drive home I got to listen to how much I didn't try and how much my Mom gave up to sit at those ballgames and then I basically "halfa**sed" it. Whenever I was proud of myself, I knew never to show it to Mom because I was always met with that critical eye. Eventually, I didn't even know how to be proud of myself anymore because she never showed it. Ever.
It was in every area of my life though and it never stopped. What I did was alright but it could have been better, that has been her motto since day 1. No matter if I made the honor roll in high school, or won a competition in a club event, or scored 10 points in a basketball game or got a new sunday school pin at Church...it was good but if I had tried just a little bit harder...it could have been better. And I never even tried to tell her that was the best I could do and I was proud of myself, she made me feel ashamed for being proud.
This all comes up because of how I have been feeling lately. I am not sure if what I have could be classified as PPD, I had it with Ava and was on meds for a short while and then I felt like myself again. I won't say I feel the same way that I did with Ava, but I have just not felt myself. I feel detached from things I was once very attached to, I just feel overwhelmed and at times I just would rather be left alone to lay in my bed and watch tv rather than get up and face the world. I don't have any resentment toward my girls at all...it's just some days I feel better than others. I guess to a degree that is 100% normal, we all have good days and bad days, but I am usually a "glass half full" person so it bothered me. Yesterday I saw my doctor and she said it sounded like anxiety so she decided to put me on some meds and see how that did.
Last night Mom calls and I don't really even know why I mentioned it to her, in retrospect it was probabaly one of my most ignorant moves thus far in life, but I needed someone to talk to. For once in my life, I needed a Mom. What do I get? I get made fun of for going to the doctor about how I have been feeling, I get compared to her cousin who has been in and out of mental hospitals for the past 10 years or so, and I get called a liar for making things up to get attention.
She tells me I am a liar, you know, maybe so...maybe God conked me on the head one night and placed all these memories of her in my head just so I'd go through life lying out my a** about her and making her look bad. Maybe so! And maybe nobody cares about me like she says, she tells me nobody cares about me or my drama and I just need to save it, she could be right. I mean, perhaps I don't have a friend on this earth. Maybe everyone I have met in my life really couldn't care less and they just keep me around to meet their "friend quota" or something! Not only that, but I am good for nothing and she has had to sacrifice her entire life for me...and I guess so, maybe I was her own personal plague sent to ruin her life and all things in it. I guess that is what I am...a narcissistic, hateful, worthless, good for nothing, disliked, A$$! Maybe she will get an extra jewel in her crown up in Heaven for putting up with the likes of me down here on earth!
So it's times like this when I wonder why she even had me. They sell punching bags at local sports stores and if she just needed someone to yell at there is always the thin air! I don't understand why someone like her could be blessed to have a child when there are people out there who deserve children and can't have them or have lost them. And I swear...if some of my dear friends who have been touched by either heartbreak could have a child in exchange for my Mom not ever having me...I'd gladly trade.
But since I can't...I just make it my life's mission to not be like her. I will be different for my girls, I will be proud and smile and always tell them to hold their heads up high and be proud of who they are and what their passion is, no matter if they want to be doctors or if they want to scrub toilets (and not that its a bad job, lol) then I am gonna be proud of them and tell people those are MY girls and that is what they do! I refuse to be my Mother, to me that would be a fate worse than death.