Beginning a new chapter...

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Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335
Beginning a new chapter...

So, I thought I'd start a whole new journal to mark the fact my family is finally complete and my baby making days are now over. I can't think of a good title though - so will probably change it later on when I've had a moment of clarity!

Liberty-Hope is 8 days old today and this is the first time I've really been well enough to get online. Rather stupidly I thought once my pregnancy was over I would be better but obviousely that wasn't meant to be! My SPD is now worse than ever, in the last two days my chest has started hurting around the lung area (I'm trying not to freak out honest!) when I breath in, I have shooting pains going down my arms and legs, am suffering from terrible headaches, yesterday and today I've had a horrible fever and breastfeeding is NOT going well at all.

I'd like to say she was worth it but to be honest, at this point, I'm not really sure. Other than feeding her until my nipples bleed all she does is sleep so no-ones really got to know her at all. And when she is awake all she does is cry. I mean, obviousely she IS worth it, but what I wouldn't give to be healthy again right now.

Her birth at least was a good one. Odd but good! I'm actually quite glad it was a bit longer and a bit different from all the others, it seemed far more relaxed and not so hurried as my previous births and apart from the last hour it was pretty manageable - I even got to sleep for two hours before I reached transition and started wanting to push!!! How crazy is that?! And the boys got to be there too, which was good as I know it was important to them.

Apparently the back-up midwife saw my Ob the day she was born and told her about my birth and my Ob threw her hands in the air and shouted "Yes!". LOL

The kids have taken to Libby really well. Lacey loves touching her and helping by bringing nappies or her blanket over and is fascinated by Libby's feet for some reason. She calls her "That" though! LOL Which is quite funny! And the boys all like cuddling and kissing and talking to her which is really cute (except maybe when they come into our room at 5am and ask if they can have a hold of her!)...

The run up to her birth was pretty stressful though. I swear the only person who kept me even vaguely sane was my Mum who was really supportive and put up with me on a daily basis either invading her house or phoning and complaining. Martin and his Mum were next to useless and caused more problems than they helped. There were two or three occasions in particular where the kids and I needed extra attention (including the night I was in labour and the day she was born) when his Mum buggered off down the pub with her boyfriend. And I constantly felt bullied into pretending to be healthier than I felt and do things that really pushed myself to the limits. Infact there was quite a lot of very hurtful things that went on and I think it'll take me a long time to forgive them both for some of the stuff.

Anyway... I was supposed to have a Haematology appointment today but I just don't feel well enough at all to leave the bed. I can barely walk at all. I've only managed to get to the bathroom twice in the last 24+ hours and one of those times I had to have help from one of the boys as I couldn't walk myself very well. One minute I'm sweating buckets and the next I'm so cold I can't stop myself from shivering violently and my whole body aches horribly.

My Dr came the other day to check Libby over. She is doing great it seems and everything is where it should be, the only concern is that she has a birth mark which covers her upper lip, nose, forehead and left eye and we aren't entirely sure what type of birth mark it is and whether it will fade or whether it's likely to get worse. So we just have to keep an eye on it. He also asked us about contraception and I mentioned sterilisation. Martin immediately jumped in saying he'd rather have the snip but I pressed the issue that I was told I should really consider tubal ligation by the hospital for my own health. My Dr said that was fine and I could basically either have something along the lines of the Mirena IUD (hormonal coil) for 5 years and then be sterilised (so I'd had plenty of time to be sure it's what I want) or he could write a letter off now and refer me for sterilisation straight away. I'm not sure which to do to be honest... My head says I need to ensure I can't ever have anymore children, as sad as that makes me feel, for my own healths sake, but my heart tells me to have the IUD for 5 years to make doubly sure it's what I really want... I just don't know. Sometimes I really curse my body - if I had easy and complication free pregnancies I'd have probably kept going with more children until my body closed that chapter of my life although I guess on the bright side at least this way we can still go on decent holidays and drive a decent car and have a fair amount of money to do the things we like to do... I should imagine that would all be a lot harder if we had many more children and honestly, I really don't want more children - this last pregnancy wiped me out and I never want to go through that again. Just seems so strange to say "that's it, no more".

Libby also had her heel prick test done at 6days old - she was so good! She had to be pricked twice to get enough blood out and even then she barely managed to give enough and she didn't fuss at all! The other kids all screamed when they had theirs done as babies but not Libby!

Hopefully tomorrow I will feel a lot better. Mood wise I'm actually really good - quite happy and cheerful although I'm sure that doesn't come across in this post. Only real downer is that I thought I'd be at least a little better once I'd had Libby and was no longer pregnant, and actually I'm worse now (or so it seems)... But hopefully it only lasts a few more days and then I'll be feeling better!

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

So, Libby is now 9 days old. I saw my midwife today over at my Mums house and the midwife decided to weigh Libby for us. She currently weighs about 8lbs 14oz I think she said. So lost a bit from her birth weight of 9lbs 7oz but not too much. I think my midwife is a bit worried that I've been so ill since the birth but we don't think it's an infection, probably more just that all my resources are depleted and my body has been through the mill a bit. She thinks I should start taking vitamin supplements on top of the iron and also acidopholous tablets to try and hold of thrush which has been a problem for me in every breastfeeding experience I've ever had especially since I'm currently on antibiotics long term.

I'm tired as hell today. I had to drag myself out of bed this morning despite the fact I didn't really feel well enough and hadn't slept well last night so that Martin could run an errand for my brother. It was OK though as I went to my Mums and had a cup of tea and gossip which cheered me up a bit until the fatigue and headache started to set in again. My poor brother is always getting screwed over by his "friends". I was quite glad Martin did him the favour as otherwise my brother would be quite a bit of money out of pocket. Bless.

I am having all sorts of problems with breastfeeding still. I'm on the verge of quitting now already as I just can't deal with the added pain on top of all the other pain I'm in. Today I am not going to feed from my right side at all. It's bleeding and horribly sore to latch her onto - I bought some nipple shields but to be honest I can't stand the thought of more pain so for today I am going to express from that side. I am currently in bed, naked from the waist up, which is what I've been like the last three or four days anyway but the fresh air etc isn't helping by itself so I'm giving my nipple a rest today and hoping it's better tomorrow.

On a more annoying note I am finding it hard to not be pissy with Martin today. Our normal nighttime routine with Libby so far has been that although she feeds on demand, she has a feed she instigates quite late (somewhere around midnight) and normally by that time I am shattered and Martin will have already been asleep for a good hour or more. She normally won't go straight back to sleep at that point - it's one of her most awake and alert times - so Martin takes her and holds her until she falls asleep so I can get a couple of hours of sleep before she wakes for the next feed. Well, last night I fed her as per normal and tried to wake Martin up three times. One of them he actually opened his eyes, looked at me, said something to me and then rolled over with his back to me and went back to sleep. Then he woke again and got pissy with me because I refused to have my heparin injection despite the fact it was HIS fault I couldn't have it because he couldn't stay awake for ten bloody minutes for my sake. I ended up spending until gone 2am trying to get Libby to sleep. Then she woke me again at 4am for a feed, and then the kids woke me up fighting at 6am and Martin woke me up again at roughly 7am, then insisted I get up at just gone 8am.

Oh, and it's gone 3:30pm now and I haven't fed or pumped from my right side since the 4am feed and am horribly sore. I gave him my pump bits to clean an hour ago and he's not bothered to bring them back so I'm lying here in agony.

Aw bless! Raistlin just got home from school - think the older two have gone to a friends house - and he's got the class mascot which is a stuffed dog called Bertie and he's so excited!!! It's sweet! They've got to fill out Bertie's diary of what he did during his stay with each child and Raistlin is eagerly showing me the photo's of all the kids in his class with Bertie and telling me who each child is and what they were doing with Bertie. He's just gone downstairs to get Martin to take a photo of him with Bertie to go in the book! Sooooo cute!

Anyway, I better go and pump a bit. I finally got the peices back! Woohoo! I'm also going to go and read a book my Mum leant to me which I've been dying to get my hands on. It's called Sleepy Head by Mark Billingham.

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

Here's a pic of Raistlin holding Libby (at 9 days old) and Bertie the dog (from my last entry!).

And another of Libby that same night!

So, we've not had the internet for the last two days. Libby is now 1 week and 4 days old apparently - although my brain is now mush and I can't even remember what day of the week it is anymore. I missed my weekly trip with some friends from NetMums to Activity Land last week as I didn't know it was Thursday! Damn.

Breastfeeding is still not great. I am only feeding from one side, then when it comes to my cracked and bleeding side I pump and give her it from a bottle. Thankfully she doesn't seem in the slightest bit confused by it all and is just taking it all in her stride. Only mild disappointment is that when I first started pumping I was regularly getting 4-5fl oz in a go... And now it's dwindled to 2-3fl oz. I'm intending to try and feed her from the bad side again tomorrow. If the pain is still too bad I'll wait another day.

Lacey is loving on Libby right now. She just can't leave her alone. She's constantly trying to pick her up and cuddle her, stroking her hair, bringing her toys and blankets. She just helped Martin feed Libby a bottle - which was really cute except apparently Martin caught her this morning trying to force her own big bottle of cows milk into Libby's mouth!!! Oh dear! So we've made a point of making a fuss over which bottle of Lacey's and which bottle is Libby's now.

We're having something of a family crisis here at the moment. Business and finances are not great and it's all come to a head now. Thankfully I think we may have found a solution but still, it's a set back for Martin just as he'd got his confidence back after the last business folded. I am keeping an eye out in the local papers now for a job. Not seriousely, but just watching and waiting for the one I want to come up at the local hospital and then I'm going to jump in there for it I think. Anything to help really although this type of job only seems to come up once or twice a year so it could be a long wait really.

I had planned a relaxing day today with getting up, having a nice long bath and doing my hair and then going over to my Mums for awhile, but because of aforementioned family crisis it all went a bit tits up really as Martin ended up going out for the whole day to try and sort it out. It was OK though. I'll just have my bath and do my hair tomorrow instead... Also my Dad said something about wanting to see us tomorrow afternoon to Martin but I don't know the details.

Man, I really need a glass of wine right now! Mmmmmmmmmmmm

Oh, tomorrow I am determined to get a photo of the kids together. Determined! LOL

ETA: I swear she just smiled at me! I mean, logically I KNOW it's too early for that, but I swear it wasn't wind. I've had enough kids to know a wind smile from a proper smile and this is the second time today she's looked directly at me and given me a huge gummy smile. The first time I had just fed her and winded her and was babbling away to her about nothing in particular and she looked my straight in the eye and smiled the biggest smile I've ever seen for about 30 seconds, just gazing at me whilst I smiled down at her. And the second time was just this minute, when again I was laughing and babbling to her and again she gazed up at me and gave me a massive smile again which lasted for ages!

I'm sure it's not wind... But I suppose that probably sounds crazy given her age.

Oh great. And DH has just announced that it's still as bad as we thought, so come Monday I'll not be online anymore and have nobody to talk too anymore as I'll have to wash my laptop and send it back... Everything else I can handle but my laptop is my ONLY access to the outside world really and my only support system. Ah well. It'd been ages since I'd had a GOOD day - guess it was too much to expect it to last. I'm so upset I'm going to go now and cry.

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

So Libby is now 12 days old. I don't really know why I'm keeping count - I never did before... I guess maybe because she's our last, I want to remember everything about her as a little baby. It upsets me greatly that I'll never go through all this again even though I'd hate to go through another pregnancy. I do love the whole giving birth and having a brand new baby around part even though I hate pregnancy.

I had a bath finally today and washed my hair, but again Martin didn't bother to dry or straighten it for me so it's a mess all over again. I enjoyed soaking for all of ten minutes before I was invaded by Libby, Lacey and Ashton jumping in the bath with me. Lol

Tomorrow my laptop will be gone. Sad I've spent the last hour tearfully deleting all my personal stuff from it. Martin promised that if it wasn't back after a week he'd take me out and buy me a new one... So I guess at least I have a vague timeline of how long I'll be gone for!

Breastfeeding today is going so much better! I fed her from my sore side today and it was fine. Not painful at all! So hopefully we're over the worst of it...

My Dad popped over today to finally meet Libby and to see us all... It was good! They took a load of photo's, so I hope they send them on to us.

Tomorrow the health visitor is coming to see us and I'm also supposed to take Libby down the hospital for her newborn hearing check. I probably won't go for the hearing check though as I need the red book my health visitor will be giving me and I don't see her until AFTER the newborn hearing check is supposed to happen. So I think I'll reschedule that.

I've had a sharp stabbing pain in the back of my upper arm now for a day or two... It's really bugging me as it really hurts. I would be panicking thanks to my crappy experience with blood clots after Lacey was born except there's no lump or anything... Not that it means much as I never had blood clots anywhere except in both my lungs. Never had them in my arms or legs or anywhere else - I'm just too paranoid now about it all I guess.

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

My laptop is gone now. Don't know when or even IF I'll see it again... I am currently using Martin's old laptop which is really crap and horribly slow beyond belief.

Anyway, I am feeling a bit down today having had other people's babies shoved in my face and their tales of how fantastic things are right now and what fun they're having. Here's a post I made earlier trying to explain how I feel but I don't think it did a very good job;

I'm feeling a bit blue today, don't really know why though!

Guess I'm just a bit dissappointed that my whole pregnancy was painful and stressful and I kind of hoped that once she was out it'd get better - but since she's been born, my SPD has worsened drastically, I've had a fever, I've had sore and cracked and bleeding nipples, and now I've got thrush. My DH went straight back to work basically and has barely supported me at all, I'm on so many bloody drugs I rattle when my wheelchair hits a bump (that's IF my DH could be bothered to take me out anywhere!), he refuses to buy or fix a camera so I have virtually NO photo's of her first weeks of life and to top it all I really can't seem to get used to Libby at all.

I mean, she'll be 2 weeks old tomorrow and I remember when I had Lacey-Rose I was dressing her up all girlie, taking her out and showing her off and I was so proud and happy to have her. But with Libby I just can't get my head around the fact she's a girl. I have to double check her nappy every two minutes and everytime I'm shocked she hasn't grown a penis yet. I can't get my head around her girlie name so I just refer to her as "the baby". I haven't dressed her in anyting vaguely girlie yet despite a wardrobe full of cute pink girls clothes and I haven't taken her anywhere and can't stand the thought of showing her off.

Don't get me wrong. I love her to bits, and I'm not feeling depressed or anything - I just can't get it through my thick skull that I've got one girl, let alone two. I don't believe it really. I guess the illness and the lack of support or joy in our house right now makes that worse as I always pictured massive celebrations for these moments and it's been the complete opposite - you'd almost think someone had died it's so cold and boring and joyless here right now.

I know my DH is struggling with his business right now but for Gods sake - it's only work. He's got the rest of his life to see to work, I've lost the first two weeks of my last baby's life and I can NEVER get those moments back.

I don't really know where I'm going with all this really. I think I just needed to vent in a private place.

I feel really let down by my DH right now and really resentful that he's healthy and life is going OK for him whilst I'm struggling.

Anyway, if you bothered to read all this thanks for listening...

Anyway, Libby is 13 days old now and we had the health visitor around to see me/her. It was pointless. As all health visitor visits seem to be. She just filled in a load of paperwork that frankly she could have done at the office as she had all the details anyway and that was about it. She did nothing else.

I got Martin to call the GP today as well. I'm pretty sure I have thrush from the breastfeeding. The Dr phoned me back and wrote me a prescription for some thrush stuff for me and Libby.

I desperately need Martin to sort out a physio appointment for me as well. I've only been asking him everyday for just under 2 weeks. I suspect it is too late now and I'll have to be referred again through my GP which will take weeks. Sad That'll mean my crutches will have to go back and also I don't think he's got an extension on the wheelchair either as he's too wrapped up in himself these days so I'm guessing that also needs to go back now too. Sad

I'm just well and truly fed up right now. Well and truly.

Ah! He's phoning the physio department - this should be interesting.

Woohoo!!! I've got to see a new physio tomorrow morning at 8:50am!

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

I can't believe Libby is 2 weeks old already. Where has the time gone? Here are a couple of photo's we took today on the naff camera.

DH and Liberty-Hope today (at exactly 2 weeks old) doing the "baby walk"...

Me and Libby today at 2weeks old.

Anyway it's been a busy day. I had a physio appointment this morning. It turns out my bones are all roughly where they should be but my muscle tone is non-existant. She had me doing a couple of stomach exercises and she couldn't feel my muscles working at all. So I've got to work on that and hope that I can build up my muscles and ligaments or whatever they're called by the time the relaxin has left my system...

Then we went to my Mums, which was good as always and the kids enjoyed themselves too. Martin took Libby for her hearing test at the hospital around lunchtime and her hearing is fine thankfully. Then it was a rush to get home for the midwife and that was a good appointment too!

I am feeling OK except for the thrush and breastfeeding stuff, which all hurts like hell.

So a busy but largely uneventful day today. Not a lot has happened as such... Which was good really as normally when stuff happens it's something akin to disaster and drama - which I admit makes life interesting but sometimes it's nice to not have any fires to put out at your ankles too.