I guess I'll try this journal thing since I feel like I have no place else to go. It's so strange. I once had a "home" with lots of friends and people to "talk" to, and now everyone has moved on. The December board is now the 2001 board but it's ssssllloooowwwww. My daughter was born in January 2004 but I don't feel like I fit in there. I never did. The women are so wonderful and kind, but with Gabriella being a preemie I feel like I just don't fit. There's a preemie board, but that is also slow. Hopefully that will pick up. I'm Catholic and have been on the Catholic board a few times, but everyone there seems to know so much more then me. I'm a cradle Catholic and haven't been to church in over a year. I'm so out of touch with everything.
So that brings me to a journal. I fit no where else except with myself, so here I am, with myself.
Things between me and Bryan have been rocky. We have not really been getting along too well the past several months. He does things and makes decisions about this family....my life....and does not even consult me. He has his own business but used our personal money and credit to finance his business without telling me. His business was not as successful the past two years as he anticipatated. So now we are broke. We are completely tapped out. We borrowed a ton of money from my dad and some from his dad as well. We have no food in the house, we are out of diapers, wipes, milk, toilet paper, paper towels...everything. And we have no money at all. I already emptied out both kids piggy banks to buy milk for them last week. I've ravaged old purses looking for spare change. It's so pathetic. I never thought I would ever live like this. I am so angry at Bryan for doing this to us. For putting us in this situation because of his stupid business. We are in the process of filing for bankruptcy. That in itself is embarrassing. But he maxed out every credit card we owned buying business materials and getting cash advances to pay his employees. So bankruptcy is our only hope at this point.
In the mean time it doesn't help with what's going on. I am so angry at him and I'm having a hard time forgiving him and trusting him. He got another job to work on top of working his own business. At least we can get medical benefits through his new job. We'll only pay $300 a month compared to $1050 a month. That will help. But now with him working two jobs it's super hard on the kids because they never see him, and Justin is acting out big time. He's very hard to control these days. I don't blame him. There is a lot of hostility in this house and he misses his dad.
Things have to look up sooner or later, right? They have to! It has been going on way too long now. I just want to stop fighting with Bryan. I want things to be the way they were before. I was happy, carefree, and always smiling. Now all I do is cry, yell, and I'm constantly stressed out. I just can't take another minute of it. It has to stop soon. Things HAVE to get better.
Well, the past two days have been aweful. When Bryan is home and not working we do nothing but fight. He cannot seem to see my point of view about anything. His father really pissed me off the other day. He knows our financial mess. He knows we don't have two nickles to rub together. We have nothing. Not only do we have zero dollars in our checking account (savings account was closed months ago because there was nothing in it) but we also used all of the kids money in their savings accounts. And Bryan's business account has nothing in it at all. Nothing. We have nothing. He will get paid on Thursday, but his pay check from one job goes to paying his employee's for his business. So he needs to make more money at his own business for his family. Makes sense, but it doesn't happen. So my father in law knows about all of this (against my will I must add). He and my mother in law stopped over to visit with the kids. Bryan took my car to work so I was stuck in the house all day. He came home for lunch and was supposed to bring milk. He forgot...of course. He asked my father in law....his father....to go get it for us and the man looked at me and asked me if it was a long walk to the store. I just about punched him in the head. Not 10 minutes earlier I was telling him about my medical condition and how this medication that I am on warns that you have to stay out of the sun because it causes you not to sweat, causing your body temp to rise, causing heat stroke. He wanted me to pack up both of my kids and walk down a long 2 mile road (with no side walks) to go get milk. Not to mention I had no money...only some spare change that I scrounged up from the sofa, my car, my old coats, etc.
I did, however, have a coupon for a free gallon of milk at my local super market. It is probably a 10 minute drive, not walking distance at all. I told him it wouldn't cost him a cent, to just go get this free milk for me. He didn't want to travel that far so he went down the street and bought the milk, but then took my coupon anyway because that super market was on his way home so he'll stop and get it for himself even though they don't drink milk in that house. But he HAD to take my coupon because he put out the $3.00. God forbid the man help us out and just buy us $3.00 worth of milk and leave the coupon for us too. So now I have no milk (by the way, milk is ALL my kids drink - no water, no juice, no soda, just milk), no coupon, and no money. In laws suck.
And what does Bryan say about all of this......he's been like this forever. Just ignore him. Sorry...I can't ignore ignorance! My father in law also called me fat when I was pregnant. When I told him I was pregnant with Justin he told me to go on a diet. How stupid can you get?! This man is 5 feet tall and easily weighs 250 pounds. I was not over weight at the time, but yet I was the one whom he thought needed to lose weight. Yeah, okay. He sent me an article last year about how men make more money when they have supportive wives. He told me to read the article and then go buy the book because I needed to be more supportive of Bryan and then maybe he would be able to make more money. Okay, I just about lost it then. I almost punched his head off. When you are 7 months pregnant and working full time making decent money and your husband is working a steady stable job at an airport making real good money and you are just about to go out on maternity leave and you know you are not going back to work after you have the baby and your husband says he wants to quit his job and live his dream full time instead of part time...how many wives would have said "Go for it. If it makes you happy and you believe you can support us doing it then I have faith in you." How many people would have said that at that point in their life? I don't know too many how would have done what I did. But I am unsupportive. Yeah, okay. And then after having my son instead of staying home with him full time I sent him to my moms house every day for 8 months while I helped my husband with his business. That was real unsupportive of me, huh.
These are just some of the stupid things Bryan and I fight about. I can't forgive him for some of the things his father says and does. He hears what his father says but yet he doesn't stick up for me. He laughs it off. I expect him to stand up to his dad and tell him to back off, I'm a good wife and a good mom. And yes, maybe I have put on some weight recently but he loves me just the same. But Bryan doesn't say any of these things. I guess I just expect him to "have my back" the way I have his, but he doesn't.
In January he got an email from his brother and then another one from his brother's wife (Eric and Victoria). These two are morons and I have not liked them for some time now, but I have sucked it up for Bryan's sake and put a smile on my face the two times a year we see them. Bryan is a landscaper and does excellent work. Eric is cheap like his father. They both sent him seperate emails attacking him and his character and his integrity saying that Bryan took advantage of Victoria's dying mother two years ago charging her too much money for work that he did, and he did this because he knew she was dying. And they all just assumed that he would give her a discount since he knew she was dying. First of all, not to sound cruel, but Victoria had been telling us for 5 years before that point that her mother was dying but never told us what she was dying of. And for the record, the woman died 2 years later. Regardless, Bryan did the work she asked him to do. He told her how much. She thought it was too high and gave Eric a check for what SHE thought was reasonable, and Eric was supposed to give it to Bryan. Eric "lost" it, not to mention it wasn't for the right amount any way. But quite some time has passed since this incident and she died almost 2 years ago now and Bryan still didn't get paid. So now Eric and Victoria are attacking him saying he doesn't deserve the money, he did an aweful job, he charged too much, blah blah blah. Well if that's the case why didn't anyone say it years ago when the work was done. And why do they have to attack him personally saying he took advantage of this dying family member.
Of course I stood up for my husband and I let them both have it. I told them both what I thought of them and told them both where I thought they could go. I got the entire matter straightened out and I got him payed the entire amount owed to him. But now of course they hate me and his parents think I'm this big evil ***** (they think Eric and Victoria walk on water). Does Bryan thank me for sticking up for him? No. Does Bryan talk to his brother Eric like nothing ever happened? Yes. Does it make me look like the ***? Yes. What he should have done was told them everything that I did or at least that he feels the same way I do. But that's just another example of me having his back and him throwing me under the bus.
Some times I don't think he even cares about me. It's just like we are roommates anymore.
Okay, so last night we got into this big fight. I can't even remember about what. Something stupid I'm sure. All of our fights are. At midnight I drove to my mothers house. She didn't help much advice wise, but she listened. Then she sent me home with paper towels, toilet paper, tissues, cereal, eggs, snacks for the kids, a gift card to Shop Rite, and "Emergency Money". But she made me promise that I would hide that money from Bryan and not even let him know that I have it. I have to do stuff like that, otherwise he blows it by going to WaWa and getting a sandwich and something to drink. Why when there's no food in the house for the rest of us?
I'm supposed to take Gabriella for blood work so she can be tested for food allergies. I've been putting it off because I didn't have the co-pay. I guess I'll use that money for it. And then her well baby check up is at the end of the month. And I have a prescription to fill at the end of the week. So my "emergency money" is just about spent. And I still don't have milk. And my father in law still has my coupon. Jerk.
First I want to say a big HI to my dear friend Shan who always knows what to say to make me feel better. I was feeling so down in the dumps yesterday and then I got a phone call from Shan who made me laugh and feel better. I needed someone to talk to and she was there for me, unconditionally...as always...and I want Shan to know how much she truly truly helped me! You are a wonderful friend and I love ya girl!
Bryan ended up working late last night and didn't get home until close to midnight. But he did something that he hasn't done in sooooo long. He got into bed and put both of his arms around me and just held me and he told me that he loved me. It sounds stupid, but I needed it. We have drifted apart so much lately and I can't remember the last time he did that. It was nice. Like old times.
Gabriella split open her chin yesterday. Don't know where, when or how, but she did. I'm with her 24x7 so you would think I would see these things. I guess it's the first scratch of many.
Okay, so I just talked to my Aunt. She has breast cancer. She goes in tomorrow to have some kind of port put into her vein because she has bad veins, so the port is so she will not have to get stuck every week. Her chemo starts on Monday. After 4 months of chemotherapy she then has to have radiation therapy. I'm scared for her. She has been through so much. She has had two brain tumors and now this. My grandmother is almost 90. I don't know how much more she can handle. She takes care of my other Aunt who has had tumors throughout her entire body, several brain tumors (some removed, some still there), tumors on her spine, thyroid, uterus. All the tumors except for one of the brain tumors have been non cancerous, but still. A tumor nontheless that caused big problems for her. Then my father with his prostate cancer. And now this Aunt with the two previous non cancerous brain tumors and now breast cancer. Very scary stuff. Makes me appreciate what I have a little more.
Gabriella will not nap and she is driving me crazy today. She is up in her crib jumping up and down screaming at the top of her lungs. Justin on the other hand has been napping for the past 2 hours. His first nap in a very long time. I need for that little girl to go to sleep.
I have no appetite today. I had two pieces of toast this morning and a cup of coffee, that's it. I can't even stand the thought of eating anything. This medication that I'm taking is really doing a number on me. Not to mention that there are warnings all over the place that these two specific medications should not be taken at the same time. When I asked my neurologist about it he said he prescribes them both all the time and it works. Still doesn't make me feel any better. Right on the one medications direct website it says do not take this medication if you are taking this other one I'm taking. I'm having most of the side effects that come along with these meds too; nauseau, diarehea, dizziness, mood swings, feet and hands tingle, tiredness, loss of appetite, one med causes glaucoma, and the other is usually prescribed to help treat it. Oh I could go on. The list of side effects are so long. The one thing I don't have any more is that mind numbing, want to kill yourself headache and the severe visual disturbances. I'm so glad I caught this disease when I did. The thought of being blind...never seeing my children's faces again...I can't even imagine. I do have a blind spot in my peripheral vision in both eyes, but it hopefully won't get any worse. I'm actually tapering back on the medication too. Instead of taking 1500 mg a day I'm down to 1000 mg a day. So far so good. Only a dull headache, nothing severe.
The official name of my disease is pseudo tumor cerebri (false brain tumor). I have all the signs, symptoms, and pains of a brain tumor, but there is no tumor. It's a collection of cerebral spinal fluid that has no where to go and it's building up behind my eyes on my optical nerve and in my head pressing on my brain. It won't kill me, but it can cause me to go blind. But in my opinion, the pain alone was enough to kill me. If people with brain tumors are in that much pain, something needs to be done to help them. Nothing was helping to ease my pain. Not morphine, not percocets, nothing. It was a nightmare. I don't want that pain to ever come back again. But in the same sense, I'm scared to death that I may need to have a shunt put in some day. I don't want that to ever happen either. I shouldn't be worrying about this now, but of course I am. I will worry about this until they tell me I'm in "remission". Of course I will have this disease forever and it can come back at any time and for any reason.
My neurologist said the main reason this happens is because of sudden rapid weight gain. My weight gain has not been sudden or rapid. I have not taken it off since having Justin, then I got pregnant with Gab and I didn't get all of that off. But if being fat is the only reason this happens then why isn't the rest of my family stricken with this rare disease? The research I've done has suggested that this is linked to PCOS and Pre-Eclampsia. I have not been diagnosed with PCOS, but my fertility doc wanted to test me for it since I had such a hard time getting pregnant (I didn't ovulate on my own). My OBGYN already prescribed clomid and it worked so he never tested me. Then when I read that PCOS was linked to Pre-E and the two of them were linked to PTC it got me thinking. My neurologist doesn't want to give it another look. He insists it's just because I'm over weight. Yes, being fat is definitely making things worse but it can't be the only reason. I think I need to switch docs and get to the bottom of it.
Ahhh....it's quiet in my house. Both kids are now asleep. Finally!!!!!
We're getting an early start today. Gabriella has already been up for an hour. Unusual for her. I think she's getting sick. I'm sick; sore throat, heavy chest, sick to my stomach, headache, the works. I'm hoping this is not part of my disease. But now Justin is coughing real bad and Gabriella is acting differently so maybe we do just have a bug. I would love to have 1 solid month where none of us are sick.
I hardly ever see Bryan anymore because he's always working. And he needs to be to make money. He works at his one job almost 60 hours a week, then in his spare time and on days off he does his landscaping business. He downsized that a bunch. He only has 1 crew working this year cutting lawns while he's working his other job. Then when he's doing his own landscaping work it's usually the harder stuff like patio or driveway installations, landscape design and installation, etc. He is working hard, I'll give him that much. But he's just so unorganized with his office work. I try and help him, but he doesn't listen to me or use anything that I do for him. So now I don't waste my time. It's sad really. He could be a lot more successful then he is if he would just realize that I actually do know what I'm talking about. I may not be a landscaper, but I was a Corporate Recruiter and Human Resource Manager at a huge Management Technology and Consulting Firm before becoming a stay at home mom. Believe it or not, I do have brains.
Speaking of work, I did get a job offer working from home doing Recruiting. It was contract work making pretty decent money. But unfortunately the job offer came literally the day before I was diagnosed with pseudo tumor cerebri. My neurologist told me I could not work. Period. The person who wanted to hire me called me again and offered me another contract position just last week. After speaking with my neurologist again he advised me that it's still not a good idea. I need to concentrate on my health, getting better, and getting off this medication and hopefully going into remission first. So I told the guy to call me back at the end of the summer. Hopefully things will be different then. If not I will call him. It will be good for me to get my foot back into Recruiting. Not to mention that the money will be nice. And it's from home.
Okay, this is going to sound really dumb...but it's 5:00 and Bryan and I have not had a fight yet today. AND he's not at work. Normally when he's home we're fighting. I did something this morning that I haven't done in a long time because I felt like he hasn't appreciated it. He was trying to get together all of his paperwork to take to the accountant to get our taxes done and he had a HUGE box full of receipts that he needed to organize. Normally I always do this for him but I didn't offer this past week because I've been so pissed at him. Well this morning I told him I would do it for him while he got some other stuff ready. He was very appreciative for the first time in a very long time. It was nice. So now he's at appointments until about 8:00 so we can't fight in that time frame. Hopefully when he comes home tonight we won't fight. I'm trying, and I think he's finally trying. So maybe we're not headed towards divorce court after all. That's a good thing because I love him so much I can't imagine one second of my life without him. But in the same breath, I can't stand to live in this turmoil anymore. Somethings gotta give. We're high school sweethearts...we've been together for 11 years now. We have been through a TON together and have pretty much grown up together. I'm not ready for us to be over with yet. I just have to get this mans priorities straight and refocused. I hope we can do it. We tried counseling thu our church in the Fall, but that was a huge disaster. Won't be doing that again. If we do counseling again it will be thru a professional and not thru church. I love my church but the pastor did a horrible job. I hear one of the priests at the church does a better job then the pastor, so who knows...maybe we will try this other priest. But I'm hoping we can "fix" this on our own. No fighting yet today. It's a start!
Hooray!! We didn't fight today!!!!!!!!! Bryan is now in bed sleeping and we didn't fight. Justin on the other hand is fighting to stay awake and driving me nuts. He'll pass out eventually.
So I am totally sick. I cannot breath at all. I guess it's not really "sick", but I have a bad cold. My nose is just so stuffed up and my chest is congested and I have a horrible cough. Not to mention the headache. That's pretty bad. Justin has it too. I feel bad for the poor kid.
My Aunt starts her chemo on Monday. I'm so scared for her. I hope everything that she's going thru works and it gets rid of this horrible cancer for good.