Well, I packed his bags and threw him out....but he won't go. We had yet another huge fight in front of the kids. Poor Justin just sits there and screams. We are destroying that little boy. I feel so bad for him. I don't know if I'm coming or going anymore. He doesn't understand that this household is calm and fine when he's not here. He walks in the door and all hell breaks loose. Then he leaves to go to work and leaves me to pick up the pieces. It's not fair. I just can't stand it anymore. I told him I want to seperate. Even if it's just temporary. Just so we can have time apart to think. He says I obviously don't love him. I do love him, but I love my kids too. And this is killing them. I can't stand by and let them go thru this another minute. He says I just want to divorce him so I can remarry someone with money. It is obviously clear he does not know me at all. I am NOT a materialistic person. I do not need a lot of money nor do I need a lot of material things to be happy. I just want to be happy. Period. And he can't do it anymore. This situation we are in is not making me happy. I do not want to get divorced. I want to get away from this situation for a while. Take a step back, get a fresh view of things, and talk it through. What we are doing right now is not working. It's making things worse. He just doesn't understand.
I am so unhappy. He'll be home in one hour and I'm dreading it. That's so sad, isn't it.
Well lets see....he came home from work, sat down on the sofa, and fell sound asleep. Surprise! He won't talk to me during the day because he "has to work", can't talk to me at night because he "has to work his second job", but says we'll talk when he gets home at 11:30 pm. Yeah right. He comes home, miserable. Sits down without saying booh to me and falls asleep. And he tries to hide it from me that he's sleeping. I can't stand that. I know he's tired, he had a super long day. But when oh when is he going to talk to me and try to work things out. I was going to leave tonight, but I didn't. I just don't think it's fair for me to have to pack up my kids and myself and disrupt their life because of him. Plus, I don't really have anywhere to go. My mom made it clear that I can't go there. Even if I did, Gabriella doesn't sleep well over there, and Justin and I would have to share a room. It just wouldn't go well. IMO it would be easier for him to leave the house for a while.
God, this mess makes me so sad. I love that man so much. Why isn't love enough anymore? Why are we at each other's throats all the time lately? I just can't take it. But I still love him so darn much. I have loved him for 11 years now. I can remember everything about our first kiss, our first date, our engagement, planning our wedding, our wedding day, our honeymoon, our first year in our new house, finding out we were pregnant for the first time, having our first baby, having our second baby, supporting each other while in the NICU. I remember all of this like it was yesterday. I can still feel those butterflies in my stomach when I think of him. I really do love him so much. I hate what has happened to us.
I asked him tonight if he still loves me. He answered "yeah", very unconvincing. I don't think he does. Maybe that's why he's been acting the way he has. Maybe that's why he's been so miserable and so unhappy. I don't know....maybe it would be better if we did just get a divorce. Maybe we are just better off friends now. I just don't know anymore. All I do know is I cannot go on like this. I love him and all I want is for him to love me back and respect me.
I'm going to bed. He's already asleep. We won't have to see or talk to each other. Nice, huh.
HUGE It will all work out in the long run whatever the situation may be. Have you discussed counseling or anything like that? Sometimes churches offer free services. if you have that in your area or not!
I hope you 2 can work this out!
Thanks Kymberly. We did try counseling at our church back in the Fall. It was a complete disaster. We went once and never went back. We both felt it was a complete waste of time. I have suggested counseling with a professional and he agreed to it, but I haven't gone as far as to actually find someone yet. Then of course there is the financial problem. Even if we found someone I don't think we will be able to afford it right now. Even if a professional worked with us on a payment plan, I don't know if Bryan would actually go. He says he would, but I don't think he will. He leaves for work at 5:30 am and doesn't get home until 11:30 pm. He does this 6 days a week. On the 7th day he's sitting in his office (which is my dining room) checking voice mail messages for his business, calling people back, working on proposals, paying bills. He doesn't even spend 5 minutes a day with his kids. Where is he going to find the time to spend an hour plus to go to counseling. It sounds great until I actually make the appointment. Then his story will change. That's just how he works. Drives me nuts.
And in the mean time, this family is falling apart. I feel so sad for my kids. I feel so overwhelmed being here by myself all day and night long and I'm sure they sense it. And when he does breeze through here we fight. It's insane. We think we are punishing each other but we are really punishing the kids. And for what? Nothing. They did nothing wrong. They didn't ask to be born into this mess. All they want to do is be loved and cared for and they want to play with their mom and dad. But we can't get along with each other long enough. I was so hoping things would change by now. He promised me things would be different. And they are....they are worse then ever.
I want what we had. I miss that. I miss the old Bryan. The Bryan that made me laugh. The Bryan that made me feel good about myself. The Bryan that made me feel special. The Bryan that made me feel like I was the prettiest and most special person in the room, no matter what room we were in and how many people were in that room. I always knew he only had eyes for me. That was our wedding song..."I only have eyes for you" by the Flamingo's. An oldie but goodie. That's how we always felt with each other. Now I'm lucky if he knows I'm even alive. He use to dote over Justin. Nothing was ever good enough for his boy. All he ever wanted to do was take care of his son and his wife and make us happy. Then things got rough and now all he does is snap at the poor boy. And Gabriella...he was my rock when she was born and a preemie in the hospital. He was there when I needed him the most. I wouldn't have made it without him. And I didn't want anyone else but him by my side throughout that entire ordeal. But now he blows right past her like she's not even there. She's 15 months old, almost 16 months. She's old enough to know her daddy's not around and she misses him. He doesn't understand that.
I just don't know what to do. Is it better to seperate now and let the kids get use to the idea of only seeing daddy for two hours two nights a week and every other weekend (which is more then they see him now) or stick it out longer and see if it gets better? I know this sounds selfish but I don't want my kids to be away from me for an entire weekend. God, I can't believe I'm even thinking about this. Why has it come to this???? How did we get here?? How do we get back?? Where do we even begin?? I don't want to lose him, but I just can't go on this way anymore. I am so confused. I really don't know what to do anymore. I just don't know what to do. I love my husband but I hate what we have become.
Well, I waited up for him to come home from work last night...I waited up as long as I could. He workd until 11 pm and is usually home by 11:30 at the latest. At 11:45 he still wasn't home and I just passed out. I was so tired. I woke up on the sofa around 2 am and he was sleeping on the recliner. I don't know what time he got in. We both stumbled up to bed. This morning since it's pouring rain he slept in (until 7 am) and he actually put his arms around me and kissed my cheak when he got up. That was a first in a very long time. He was very sweet, very kind, and very loving. I should be happy, right? Of course not. I'm suspicious. He hasn't been that way in soooooo long and then last night he gets home from work super late, wakes up and is all lovey with me like old times. What's that about? Is he guilty about something? Should I be worried that he was up to no good? I've asked him at least 100 times if he's having an affair and he adamantly denies it. He says he would never do that to me. The way he says it I'm inclined to believe him. But should I? Can I trust him? I just don't know anymore. Or maybe he woke up happy because he slept an extra 2 hours in the morning. I just don't know. I'm very confused. I don't want to always think the worse of my husband. He's a good man. This time last year I would have been thrilled with how we woke up together. Why am I so pessimistic now? Why so suspicious? Shouldn't I just enjoy the fact that we started off having a good day and will hopefully not fight today. God, I hope and pray that we do not fight today. God give me strength!!!!!!!!!!!!
I love my kids. Justin has been watching his Saturday morning cartoons and being such a good boy. Gabriella is playing in the pillow pile. Justin threw all the pillows from all the sofas on the floor, along with the two afgans my grandmom made, and it made this giant soft pile of fluff. She keeps throwing herself around in it and cracking up laughing. Every once in a while Justin will jump off the sofa into the pile of fluff and the two of them will wrestle. They have so much fun together. They are good kids. I love them so much. I can't imagine my life without them. I just want to grab them both and kiss them all up. They have the cutest little faces! They could never do anything or be anything in life that would make me love them or respect them any less. I love who they are, inside and out, no matter who they grow up to be. I really do love my babies!
Married to Bryan, 10/02/99
Justin Matthew, 12/18/01
Gabriella Rose, 1/7/04
Gabriella is in bed sleeping (has been for the past 2 hours) and Justin is up watching Harry Potter on TV. He LOVES all those Harry Potter movies. He's such a good boy. This kid can keep himself entertained for hours. He'll watch cartoons, movies, or play with his toys, color, paint, draw, build with his blocks, clean up his toys. He always finds something to do to keep himself busy when I have something to do. I can't sit and play with him all day long, but I do try and play with him during the day when I can. Tonight he built a little tent and he and his sister were playing under the tent (before she went to sleep). And she kept trying to crawl into the fireplace. So he piled up a bunch of big toys in front of the fireplace to block her from getting too close. He is such a good kid. He really looks out for her. Don't get me wrong, they fight and get into trouble, but for the most part they get along so well and love being together. He loves his baby. That's what he calls her. HIS baby. He very rarely calls her Gabriella. He calls her "baby". And the funny thing is she'll respond to it. When he says come here baby, she'll follow him. It's so funny. God, I really love my kids. I would do anything for them.
Bryan is really trying to work things out today. I'm not sure why or what did it. Like I said earlier, he got home from work super late last night but when we woke up this morning he was very snuggly. He called me from work about an hour ago just to say "hello beautiful, I love you". He hasn't done that in a long time. I actually started to cry! It was so nice. It was like I was talking to the old Bryan. He has the entire day off tomorrow and we are supposed to be taking the kids to a carnival. I'm hoping everything goes as planned. The kids need to see us spend the day together having fun and happy and not fighting. I'm going to do my best to not fight with him. And I'm hoping he will respect me and not pick a fight with me.
A lot of times, in the rare occassions when Bryan is home, I will be disciplining the kids (as I always do all day long) and he will disagree with me right in front of the kids. He'll tell me I'm wrong (making me look like the bad guy) and tell me the right way to do it. It totally contradicts everything I do all day long while I'm there with those kids by myself all day long. We need to be on the same page when it comes to parenting. Even if he disagrees with how I am handling something he needs to pull me aside away from the kids and we can discuss it then. But not in front of the kids. That's why the kids play favorites. That's why they look at me like I'm an oager and he's a prince. He lets them get away with murder and I have to discipline them.
So anyway, that will be the big challenge tomorrow. I hope he can respect me enough to follow thru with my hard work. I need to keep things structured when it comes to discipline for these kids. Right now they know when they are misbehaving they will get a warning and if they don't stop and listen to me then they will have to deal with the consequences. Justin's punishment is usually a 3 minute time out in his room by himself followed by me taking away his favorite toy. Gabriella is still really young so time outs don't really work yet. But when she does something she's not suppose to I redirect her behavior. This works for us. Justin knows this is what happens and usually responds to the warning. I don't have to scream at them and I don't have to spank them. What I do works. So now I just need for Bryan to follow thru on my disciplining techniques to keep the structure in their lives. And he HAS to do some of the disciplining. I can't be the only bad guy.
God, I ramble all the time when I get into my journal. Can you tell Justin is engrossed in his movie and Bryan is at work?!
I hope we have a good day on Sunday. I hope, I hope, I hope. This will be the tell tail sign. At least for me. If it's not going to work between us I will know tomorrow. If there is a chance in hell I will know tomorrow. Sunday is the big day. But I am just so darn happy that he is trying. He called me tonight. He thought about me long enough to call me and see how I was doing and to ask how the kids were. You have no idea how good that made me feel. It's a start!
Here's hoping for a good day on Sunday!!!!!!!!
Sunday was a good day. It wasn't great, but it was good. It started off good. Gabriella woke up her normal time. I got up with her and brought her down stairs. I let Bryan stay in bed to sleep in. Then I heard Justin wake up about an hour later and I knew he was going to go wake up his dad, so Gab and I went upstairs too and we all went in and got in bed with him. The kids LOVED jumping on him in bed. We stayed in bed together for a little while then we went out to breakfast. Justin hates eating. He colored the entire time. Gabriella loves food. She loves to eat so much she kisses her food before she eats it. She's just like her daddy. I'm going to have to watch her when she becomes a teenager so she doesn't become a little porker. But for now it's cute that she loves to eat so much. We went home to get freshened up and my sister called to tell us the birthday party was cancelled because they were all sick. But today was still the last day of the carnival and I promised Justin all week we would go so I suggested to Bryan that we go. He seemed very uninterested. He was just laying around like a bump on a log. He seemed bored and bothered. Then Gabriella went down for her nap. Now he was really annoyed. He can't stand doing nothing. But in the same breath he was saying he didn't feel like doing anything. Does that make any sense? It didn't to me! All he wanted to do was BBQ and drink some beer. How is that fun for the kids? Especially since Justin is not one for eating meat. He's a self proclaimed vegetarian at the age of 3. Not to mention it was the last day of the carnival and I promised Justin we would go. Then my dad called and told Bryan to go over at 7pm so they could do the invoicing for his business. That pissed off Bryan. He felt it would be so much faster if he did it himself. Yeah, because the two times he did billing for the entire year last year made sense. Sure. And because I finally fought with him enough to make him finally do his snow invoicing just two weeks ago....in APRIL. But now allof a sudden Bryan is able to do the billing and doesn't want my dad's help. So I told him if you don't want my dad's help go cut him a check for $35,000 and tell him you don't need his help anymore. Bryan just laughed and said it wasn't possible. Exactly my point. It's okay for him to take my dad's money but when my dad wants to give up HIS precious time and energy to do the invoicing for free for Bryan so that Bryan can get money in on a regular basis, all of a sudden Bryan doesn't need all of his help. He's ridiculous. All because Bryan was too tired. There wouldn't be enough time to go to the carnival AND BBQ. Why does he act like a child? He is a grown man but if he doesn't get what he wants when he wants it, it's the end of the world! He keeps forgetting that he has a family....kids....and when you make a promise to a kid you cannot break that promise because Justin of all people, he does not forget a thing.
So anyway, we went to the carnival. I had to wake up Gabriella from her nap to go so Bryan would calm the heck down about the time. Bryan seemed miserable until we got there. Once we were there he lightened up a bit. Just a bit. When we left he raved about what a good time we all had. Then we went to the store to get the stuff we needed for the BBQ. By the time we got home from that there really was no time to grill anything. He had to get his stuff together and leave for my parents house. I stayed home with Gabriella because it was close to her bed time. Justin went with Bryan so he could spend time with my mom. But Bryan acted like a big baby because he didn't have time to grill. So of course I had to point out to him that if he would have run his business differently last year and sent out bills more then just 2 times in a 12 month period, my father wouldn't be all over him to let him do the billing. But regardless of my dad's reasons, he has a lot of money invested into Bryan's business now. And then last night he gave him another check for $10,000. So now we owe him about $45,000. And Bryan has the nerve to complain about my dad?! Bryan's father is the cheap bastard that took my coupon for free milk! My dad gave us $45k. And where is Bryan's dad during all this?????? He took a trip to Florida. He cares lots what happens to us. I swear, I can't stand Bryan's parents. They are a bunch of ingrates. And I'm supposed to go out of my way to see them for Mother's Day. I don't think so. If Bryan wants to see his mother he can go see her. Me and the kids will be with my mom. They are the people that care about us. Screw his family. They suck.
But anyway, by the time Bryan got home from my dad's house last night his mood changed. Of course it did, he had a huge check in his pocket.
So it was a good day in the morning through breakfast. Bad until we got to the carnival. Good through the carnival. Bad until he left for my parents house. And the good again after that. So far I haven't talked to him today. He's working all day doing his landscaping stuff and then tonight he goes to his other job and works until 11 pm. But tomorrow night he's off from his other job. So when he's done his landscaping he'll be able to spend a few hours with us tomorrow night. We'll see how that goes.
I'm having a bad day today, but what else is new. Believe it or not this has nothing to do with Bryan. I'm just so damn tired and these kids are running me ragged. I can't keep up with anything that I have to do around here and it's driving me nuts. I have no help from anyone. My mom watches my sisters 10 month old kid. That means she won't come over and help me with anything. I was crying to her on the phone earlier telling her how I can't take it anymore because Gabriella just follows me around whining and crying and I can't get anything done because she is literally right up my butt all day long. And EVERYONE'S response is, "let her cry". I do, I will do my best to see what it is she's crying about. I make sure she has a clean diaper. I make sure she's not hungry. I make sure her sippy cup is full of milk. I make sure she's not hurt in any way. I make sure she can reach all of her toys. Once I do all of that I know she's okay. So why is she just following me around crying? I have no idea. So yes, I just let her cry. But I literally will trip over her because I don't see her. And then she falls and then she really cries. I was scrubbing my kitchen counter tobs and had bleach all over my hands and she was standing beneath me just reaching up for me. I was on the phone with my mom telling her what was happening and my mom was laughing her little heart out. Why is that funny?! I'm crying to my mom telling her that someone better come and get these kids soon to give me a break because I'm going to lose it and all she can do is laugh. I'm sorry, but it's just not funny. It's not a joke. My mental breakdown is not something to laugh about. All I wanted from my mom at that moment was for her to say, "this happens to everyone, this too will pass, I'll come over for an hour and help" anything! I would have LOVED it if she would have come over for an hour to help me out. I could have finished my cleaning without the kids up my butt and then I could have taken a shower without them in there asking me if I'm done yet and pounding on the shower door. It would have been so nice of her to do that for me. Did she offer? No. Does she live far from me? No. Only about 15 minutes. But she didn't want to put a damper on her day of sitting around watching TV while my nephew crawled around entertaining himself. My mom does nothing. She doesn't even clean her own house. She has people come in and clean for her. This kid she watches entertains himself. All she has to do is change his diapers and feed him breakfast and lunch. He doesn't like taking bottles anymore so she doesn't even have to feed him bottles. It's cake her life. So why not come and help out your other kids when they obviously need your help? I just don't get it!
My other sister had to take her 4 year old for an MRI yesterday of his head. About a month ago he had a seizure out of no where and since we have a family history of brain tumors and neurological disorders they wanted to do this MRI to rule out any abnormal growths in there. Well he had a horrible reaction coming out of the sedation and was a complete mess. My sister was a basket case. But before she even took him she had no one to watch her 6 month old. She couldn't ask my mom because my mom would have said no. My mom can't do more then one thing at a time. She got her sister in law. So they ended up having to stay at the hospital much longer then they had planned since he had such a bad reaction to the sedation and my sister panicked because she has two older kids that were just coming home from school to an empty house. Think my mom would help? No. She had to call her neighbor. Her neighbor took them in and even cooked dinner for my sister and the entire family. But that's the kind of thing my mom should have done. It's so annoying. She can't do more then one thing at a time.
Bryan just called. His truck is stuck so I have to go wake up the kids from their naps and go get him. They're going to be pleasant.
Okay, now I am having a really bad day and it is Bryan's fault. I woke the kids up from their naps and put them in the car and drove to go get him since his dump truck was stuck. I brought him home so he could pick up his pick up truck and a chain so he could pull the truck out of the mud. He left here at 4:00. Justin asked him if he was home and Bryan said he would be home real soon. He doesn't have to work his second job tonight so tonight is his night to relax with the family. We were going to BBQ tonight since we never got around to it on Sunday. I tried getting a hold of him right after he left (not even 5 minutes later) and he didn't answer his phone. And I have been calling him every 3-5 minutes since for the past 3 hours and he has not answered the phone or called me back. When he goes to his second job he is always home by now. So why isn't he home yet tonight? And WHY isn't he calling me back? If he still has a ton to do, then call me and tell me this. Don't make me and the kids sit around all night starving waiting to eat dinner. It's just freakin ignorant. So I warmed up left overs and we ate. I can't believe he still hasn't called. And he never bought the envelopes to mail out his invoices. He was supposed to have them when he went to my dads on Sunday but he didn't have a chance to go get them. So last night he was going to get them on his break from work, but I'm looking around and I don't see them so he obviously forgot....again. He printed out the invoices and they are just sitting here. If I had the envelopes I could have mailed them for him today. And he had the nerve to complain about my dad helping him with the invoicing. He said he could do it faster himself. Yeah right. It has been 2 days and he still hasn't even gotten the damn envelopes. If all of the data input was left to him that wouldn't be done yet either.
He really truly gets on my nerves. Where is his friggin head??
I can't believe it's 7:00 pm and he was supposed to be home for dinner at 5:00, he didn't show up and he didn't call and he hasn't called me back. I just can't believe him. And I actually thought things would get better between us. I was obviously wrong. What in the hell is wrong with me for staying with him and putting up with this ignorant crap!!!!