Blah

53 posts / 0 new
Last post
Joined: 05/02/02
Posts: 52
Blah

I guess I'll try this journal thing since I feel like I have no place else to go. It's so strange. I once had a "home" with lots of friends and people to "talk" to, and now everyone has moved on. The December board is now the 2001 board but it's ssssllloooowwwww. My daughter was born in January 2004 but I don't feel like I fit in there. I never did. The women are so wonderful and kind, but with Gabriella being a preemie I feel like I just don't fit. There's a preemie board, but that is also slow. Hopefully that will pick up. I'm Catholic and have been on the Catholic board a few times, but everyone there seems to know so much more then me. I'm a cradle Catholic and haven't been to church in over a year. I'm so out of touch with everything.

So that brings me to a journal. I fit no where else except with myself, so here I am, with myself.

Things between me and Bryan have been rocky. We have not really been getting along too well the past several months. He does things and makes decisions about this family....my life....and does not even consult me. He has his own business but used our personal money and credit to finance his business without telling me. His business was not as successful the past two years as he anticipatated. So now we are broke. We are completely tapped out. We borrowed a ton of money from my dad and some from his dad as well. We have no food in the house, we are out of diapers, wipes, milk, toilet paper, paper towels...everything. And we have no money at all. I already emptied out both kids piggy banks to buy milk for them last week. I've ravaged old purses looking for spare change. It's so pathetic. I never thought I would ever live like this. I am so angry at Bryan for doing this to us. For putting us in this situation because of his stupid business. We are in the process of filing for bankruptcy. That in itself is embarrassing. But he maxed out every credit card we owned buying business materials and getting cash advances to pay his employees. So bankruptcy is our only hope at this point.

In the mean time it doesn't help with what's going on. I am so angry at him and I'm having a hard time forgiving him and trusting him. He got another job to work on top of working his own business. At least we can get medical benefits through his new job. We'll only pay $300 a month compared to $1050 a month. That will help. But now with him working two jobs it's super hard on the kids because they never see him, and Justin is acting out big time. He's very hard to control these days. I don't blame him. There is a lot of hostility in this house and he misses his dad.

Things have to look up sooner or later, right? They have to! It has been going on way too long now. I just want to stop fighting with Bryan. I want things to be the way they were before. I was happy, carefree, and always smiling. Now all I do is cry, yell, and I'm constantly stressed out. I just can't take another minute of it. It has to stop soon. Things HAVE to get better.

Joined: 05/02/02
Posts: 52

Well, the past two days have been aweful. When Bryan is home and not working we do nothing but fight. He cannot seem to see my point of view about anything. His father really pissed me off the other day. He knows our financial mess. He knows we don't have two nickles to rub together. We have nothing. Not only do we have zero dollars in our checking account (savings account was closed months ago because there was nothing in it) but we also used all of the kids money in their savings accounts. And Bryan's business account has nothing in it at all. Nothing. We have nothing. He will get paid on Thursday, but his pay check from one job goes to paying his employee's for his business. So he needs to make more money at his own business for his family. Makes sense, but it doesn't happen. So my father in law knows about all of this (against my will I must add). He and my mother in law stopped over to visit with the kids. Bryan took my car to work so I was stuck in the house all day. He came home for lunch and was supposed to bring milk. He forgot...of course. He asked my father in law....his father....to go get it for us and the man looked at me and asked me if it was a long walk to the store. I just about punched him in the head. Not 10 minutes earlier I was telling him about my medical condition and how this medication that I am on warns that you have to stay out of the sun because it causes you not to sweat, causing your body temp to rise, causing heat stroke. He wanted me to pack up both of my kids and walk down a long 2 mile road (with no side walks) to go get milk. Not to mention I had no money...only some spare change that I scrounged up from the sofa, my car, my old coats, etc.

I did, however, have a coupon for a free gallon of milk at my local super market. It is probably a 10 minute drive, not walking distance at all. I told him it wouldn't cost him a cent, to just go get this free milk for me. He didn't want to travel that far so he went down the street and bought the milk, but then took my coupon anyway because that super market was on his way home so he'll stop and get it for himself even though they don't drink milk in that house. But he HAD to take my coupon because he put out the $3.00. God forbid the man help us out and just buy us $3.00 worth of milk and leave the coupon for us too. So now I have no milk (by the way, milk is ALL my kids drink - no water, no juice, no soda, just milk), no coupon, and no money. In laws suck.

And what does Bryan say about all of this......he's been like this forever. Just ignore him. Sorry...I can't ignore ignorance! My father in law also called me fat when I was pregnant. When I told him I was pregnant with Justin he told me to go on a diet. How stupid can you get?! This man is 5 feet tall and easily weighs 250 pounds. I was not over weight at the time, but yet I was the one whom he thought needed to lose weight. Yeah, okay. He sent me an article last year about how men make more money when they have supportive wives. He told me to read the article and then go buy the book because I needed to be more supportive of Bryan and then maybe he would be able to make more money. Okay, I just about lost it then. I almost punched his head off. When you are 7 months pregnant and working full time making decent money and your husband is working a steady stable job at an airport making real good money and you are just about to go out on maternity leave and you know you are not going back to work after you have the baby and your husband says he wants to quit his job and live his dream full time instead of part time...how many wives would have said "Go for it. If it makes you happy and you believe you can support us doing it then I have faith in you." How many people would have said that at that point in their life? I don't know too many how would have done what I did. But I am unsupportive. Yeah, okay. And then after having my son instead of staying home with him full time I sent him to my moms house every day for 8 months while I helped my husband with his business. That was real unsupportive of me, huh.

These are just some of the stupid things Bryan and I fight about. I can't forgive him for some of the things his father says and does. He hears what his father says but yet he doesn't stick up for me. He laughs it off. I expect him to stand up to his dad and tell him to back off, I'm a good wife and a good mom. And yes, maybe I have put on some weight recently but he loves me just the same. But Bryan doesn't say any of these things. I guess I just expect him to "have my back" the way I have his, but he doesn't.

In January he got an email from his brother and then another one from his brother's wife (Eric and Victoria). These two are morons and I have not liked them for some time now, but I have sucked it up for Bryan's sake and put a smile on my face the two times a year we see them. Bryan is a landscaper and does excellent work. Eric is cheap like his father. They both sent him seperate emails attacking him and his character and his integrity saying that Bryan took advantage of Victoria's dying mother two years ago charging her too much money for work that he did, and he did this because he knew she was dying. And they all just assumed that he would give her a discount since he knew she was dying. First of all, not to sound cruel, but Victoria had been telling us for 5 years before that point that her mother was dying but never told us what she was dying of. And for the record, the woman died 2 years later. Regardless, Bryan did the work she asked him to do. He told her how much. She thought it was too high and gave Eric a check for what SHE thought was reasonable, and Eric was supposed to give it to Bryan. Eric "lost" it, not to mention it wasn't for the right amount any way. But quite some time has passed since this incident and she died almost 2 years ago now and Bryan still didn't get paid. So now Eric and Victoria are attacking him saying he doesn't deserve the money, he did an aweful job, he charged too much, blah blah blah. Well if that's the case why didn't anyone say it years ago when the work was done. And why do they have to attack him personally saying he took advantage of this dying family member.

Of course I stood up for my husband and I let them both have it. I told them both what I thought of them and told them both where I thought they could go. I got the entire matter straightened out and I got him payed the entire amount owed to him. But now of course they hate me and his parents think I'm this big evil bitch (they think Eric and Victoria walk on water). Does Bryan thank me for sticking up for him? No. Does Bryan talk to his brother Eric like nothing ever happened? Yes. Does it make me look like the ass? Yes. What he should have done was told them everything that I did or at least that he feels the same way I do. But that's just another example of me having his back and him throwing me under the bus.

Some times I don't think he even cares about me. It's just like we are roommates anymore.

Joined: 05/02/02
Posts: 52

Okay, so last night we got into this big fight. I can't even remember about what. Something stupid I'm sure. All of our fights are. At midnight I drove to my mothers house. She didn't help much advice wise, but she listened. Then she sent me home with paper towels, toilet paper, tissues, cereal, eggs, snacks for the kids, a gift card to Shop Rite, and "Emergency Money". But she made me promise that I would hide that money from Bryan and not even let him know that I have it. I have to do stuff like that, otherwise he blows it by going to WaWa and getting a sandwich and something to drink. Why when there's no food in the house for the rest of us?

I'm supposed to take Gabriella for blood work so she can be tested for food allergies. I've been putting it off because I didn't have the co-pay. I guess I'll use that money for it. And then her well baby check up is at the end of the month. And I have a prescription to fill at the end of the week. So my "emergency money" is just about spent. And I still don't have milk. And my father in law still has my coupon. Jerk.

Joined: 05/02/02
Posts: 52

First I want to say a big HI to my dear friend Shan who always knows what to say to make me feel better. I was feeling so down in the dumps yesterday and then I got a phone call from Shan who made me laugh and feel better. I needed someone to talk to and she was there for me, unconditionally...as always...and I want Shan to know how much she truly truly helped me! You are a wonderful friend and I love ya girl!

Bryan ended up working late last night and didn't get home until close to midnight. But he did something that he hasn't done in sooooo long. He got into bed and put both of his arms around me and just held me and he told me that he loved me. It sounds stupid, but I needed it. We have drifted apart so much lately and I can't remember the last time he did that. It was nice. Like old times.

Gabriella split open her chin yesterday. Don't know where, when or how, but she did. I'm with her 24x7 so you would think I would see these things. I guess it's the first scratch of many.

Joined: 05/02/02
Posts: 52

Okay, so I just talked to my Aunt. She has breast cancer. She goes in tomorrow to have some kind of port put into her vein because she has bad veins, so the port is so she will not have to get stuck every week. Her chemo starts on Monday. After 4 months of chemotherapy she then has to have radiation therapy. I'm scared for her. She has been through so much. She has had two brain tumors and now this. My grandmother is almost 90. I don't know how much more she can handle. She takes care of my other Aunt who has had tumors throughout her entire body, several brain tumors (some removed, some still there), tumors on her spine, thyroid, uterus. All the tumors except for one of the brain tumors have been non cancerous, but still. A tumor nontheless that caused big problems for her. Then my father with his prostate cancer. And now this Aunt with the two previous non cancerous brain tumors and now breast cancer. Very scary stuff. Makes me appreciate what I have a little more.

Joined: 05/02/02
Posts: 52

Gabriella will not nap and she is driving me crazy today. She is up in her crib jumping up and down screaming at the top of her lungs. Justin on the other hand has been napping for the past 2 hours. His first nap in a very long time. I need for that little girl to go to sleep.

I have no appetite today. I had two pieces of toast this morning and a cup of coffee, that's it. I can't even stand the thought of eating anything. This medication that I'm taking is really doing a number on me. Not to mention that there are warnings all over the place that these two specific medications should not be taken at the same time. When I asked my neurologist about it he said he prescribes them both all the time and it works. Still doesn't make me feel any better. Right on the one medications direct website it says do not take this medication if you are taking this other one I'm taking. I'm having most of the side effects that come along with these meds too; nauseau, diarehea, dizziness, mood swings, feet and hands tingle, tiredness, loss of appetite, one med causes glaucoma, and the other is usually prescribed to help treat it. Oh I could go on. The list of side effects are so long. The one thing I don't have any more is that mind numbing, want to kill yourself headache and the severe visual disturbances. I'm so glad I caught this disease when I did. The thought of being blind...never seeing my children's faces again...I can't even imagine. I do have a blind spot in my peripheral vision in both eyes, but it hopefully won't get any worse. I'm actually tapering back on the medication too. Instead of taking 1500 mg a day I'm down to 1000 mg a day. So far so good. Only a dull headache, nothing severe.

The official name of my disease is pseudo tumor cerebri (false brain tumor). I have all the signs, symptoms, and pains of a brain tumor, but there is no tumor. It's a collection of cerebral spinal fluid that has no where to go and it's building up behind my eyes on my optical nerve and in my head pressing on my brain. It won't kill me, but it can cause me to go blind. But in my opinion, the pain alone was enough to kill me. If people with brain tumors are in that much pain, something needs to be done to help them. Nothing was helping to ease my pain. Not morphine, not percocets, nothing. It was a nightmare. I don't want that pain to ever come back again. But in the same sense, I'm scared to death that I may need to have a shunt put in some day. I don't want that to ever happen either. I shouldn't be worrying about this now, but of course I am. I will worry about this until they tell me I'm in "remission". Of course I will have this disease forever and it can come back at any time and for any reason.

My neurologist said the main reason this happens is because of sudden rapid weight gain. My weight gain has not been sudden or rapid. I have not taken it off since having Justin, then I got pregnant with Gab and I didn't get all of that off. But if being fat is the only reason this happens then why isn't the rest of my family stricken with this rare disease? The research I've done has suggested that this is linked to PCOS and Pre-Eclampsia. I have not been diagnosed with PCOS, but my fertility doc wanted to test me for it since I had such a hard time getting pregnant (I didn't ovulate on my own). My OBGYN already prescribed clomid and it worked so he never tested me. Then when I read that PCOS was linked to Pre-E and the two of them were linked to PTC it got me thinking. My neurologist doesn't want to give it another look. He insists it's just because I'm over weight. Yes, being fat is definitely making things worse but it can't be the only reason. I think I need to switch docs and get to the bottom of it.

Ahhh....it's quiet in my house. Both kids are now asleep. Finally!!!!!

Joined: 05/02/02
Posts: 52

Double post...OOPS!

Joined: 05/02/02
Posts: 52

We're getting an early start today. Gabriella has already been up for an hour. Unusual for her. I think she's getting sick. I'm sick; sore throat, heavy chest, sick to my stomach, headache, the works. I'm hoping this is not part of my disease. But now Justin is coughing real bad and Gabriella is acting differently so maybe we do just have a bug. I would love to have 1 solid month where none of us are sick.

I hardly ever see Bryan anymore because he's always working. And he needs to be to make money. He works at his one job almost 60 hours a week, then in his spare time and on days off he does his landscaping business. He downsized that a bunch. He only has 1 crew working this year cutting lawns while he's working his other job. Then when he's doing his own landscaping work it's usually the harder stuff like patio or driveway installations, landscape design and installation, etc. He is working hard, I'll give him that much. But he's just so unorganized with his office work. I try and help him, but he doesn't listen to me or use anything that I do for him. So now I don't waste my time. It's sad really. He could be a lot more successful then he is if he would just realize that I actually do know what I'm talking about. I may not be a landscaper, but I was a Corporate Recruiter and Human Resource Manager at a huge Management Technology and Consulting Firm before becoming a stay at home mom. Believe it or not, I do have brains.

Speaking of work, I did get a job offer working from home doing Recruiting. It was contract work making pretty decent money. But unfortunately the job offer came literally the day before I was diagnosed with pseudo tumor cerebri. My neurologist told me I could not work. Period. The person who wanted to hire me called me again and offered me another contract position just last week. After speaking with my neurologist again he advised me that it's still not a good idea. I need to concentrate on my health, getting better, and getting off this medication and hopefully going into remission first. So I told the guy to call me back at the end of the summer. Hopefully things will be different then. If not I will call him. It will be good for me to get my foot back into Recruiting. Not to mention that the money will be nice. And it's from home.

Joined: 05/02/02
Posts: 52

Okay, this is going to sound really dumb...but it's 5:00 and Bryan and I have not had a fight yet today. AND he's not at work. Normally when he's home we're fighting. I did something this morning that I haven't done in a long time because I felt like he hasn't appreciated it. He was trying to get together all of his paperwork to take to the accountant to get our taxes done and he had a HUGE box full of receipts that he needed to organize. Normally I always do this for him but I didn't offer this past week because I've been so pissed at him. Well this morning I told him I would do it for him while he got some other stuff ready. He was very appreciative for the first time in a very long time. It was nice. So now he's at appointments until about 8:00 so we can't fight in that time frame. Hopefully when he comes home tonight we won't fight. I'm trying, and I think he's finally trying. So maybe we're not headed towards divorce court after all. That's a good thing because I love him so much I can't imagine one second of my life without him. But in the same breath, I can't stand to live in this turmoil anymore. Somethings gotta give. We're high school sweethearts...we've been together for 11 years now. We have been through a TON together and have pretty much grown up together. I'm not ready for us to be over with yet. I just have to get this mans priorities straight and refocused. I hope we can do it. We tried counseling thu our church in the Fall, but that was a huge disaster. Won't be doing that again. If we do counseling again it will be thru a professional and not thru church. I love my church but the pastor did a horrible job. I hear one of the priests at the church does a better job then the pastor, so who knows...maybe we will try this other priest. But I'm hoping we can "fix" this on our own. No fighting yet today. It's a start!

Joined: 05/02/02
Posts: 52

Hooray!! We didn't fight today!!!!!!!!! Bryan is now in bed sleeping and we didn't fight. Justin on the other hand is fighting to stay awake and driving me nuts. He'll pass out eventually.

So I am totally sick. I cannot breath at all. I guess it's not really "sick", but I have a bad cold. My nose is just so stuffed up and my chest is congested and I have a horrible cough. Not to mention the headache. That's pretty bad. Justin has it too. I feel bad for the poor kid.

My Aunt starts her chemo on Monday. I'm so scared for her. I hope everything that she's going thru works and it gets rid of this horrible cancer for good.

Joined: 05/02/02
Posts: 52

Well, yesterday was too good to be true. We had a doozy of a fight today. Probably because I didn't sleep at all last night. Justin was up ALL night, so between him up and whining and me not feeling good and getting no sleep, I was not off to a good start this morning. Then Bryan said something that just got right under my skin. Last Fall I made a suggestion of something that he should do for his business. He blew it off and acted like it was a dumb idea. Well this morning he tells me how he has this great idea of something to do for his business and it is EXACTLY what I told him to do just a few months ago. Well I just about lost it. I make the suggestion and it's dumb. He "thinks" of it all on his own (yeah right) and it's the best idea ever. And that's all it took for the blow up to start.

And during our scream match (we locked ourselves in the bedroom to fight while the kids were downstairs) our neighbor came to the door and Justin let her in!! We had NO IDEA this woman was in our house. I was so angry at that little boy for opening the door when I have told him several times NEVER to open the door to ANYONE. And I'm sure she heard us fighting upstairs but she didn't have enough sense to leave. I was pissed. She's one of those nosey neighbors that has to know everything. So now I'm sure the entire street knows my business.

I feel like my head is going to explode.

Joined: 05/02/02
Posts: 52

Bryan was at the accountant yesterday and today he told me that she has a friend who has this same neurological disease that I have, pseudor tumor cerebri. It's such a rare disease so I'm a little surprised that someone in this area has it. Apparently this woman is doing fine now, but she had to have a shunt put in her head. I know I will eventually have to have that done and it scares me to death. My Aunt with all the brain tumors has a shunt and personality wise, she has never been the same since. She spent months in a rehab facility learning how to walk again, tie her shoes, feed herself, bath herself, everything. I don't know if it was from the multiple brain tumors, the shunt, or a combination of them all. But just the thought of them drilling into my skull scares me to death. I don't know if I will be able to get through that. I had an anxiety attack before my c-section. How would I deal with the anticipation of brain surgery? Scary stuff. I'm hopeful that it won't come to that, but deep down I know eventually it will. I dread that day.

When I was a teenager and very very sick I thought for sure it would all be worth it because when I was *old* (meaning pushing 30...now I know that is so NOT old) I would be so healthy because I would have gotten it all out of my system young. Not that I was real sick as a teenager, but sicker then most. I had a bad case of mono and tonsilitis which closed up my throat so I couldn't breath. I was in the hospital on a vent. A year later I had my gallbladder out. A year after that I had my appendix out. A week after my appendix came out was when I got real sick. My appendix must have burst or leaked without them knowing and I had abdominal abscesses. I was on my death bed, was read my last rights, and had exploritory surgery in the middle of the night because they had no idea what was killing me, they just knew I was dying. I had a fever of 106, I was unconscience and packed in ice before taking me into surgery. After the surgery I spent several weeks in ICU but ended up making a full recovery. I had high hopes that I would never have to go through anything that traumatic ever again. Now here we are. Infertility, months of tests and fertility drugs, my first c-section I could feel them cutting me open before they knocked me out completely, pregnancy #2 I had pre-eclampsia and HELLP Syndrome, preemie in the NICU for 2 months, and now this painful horrible pseudo tumor with the possibility of brain surgery. Nice. What's next. What more can I take. How much can one person possibly handle? This sucks.

Joined: 05/02/02
Posts: 52

And just when I can't feel worse for myself....my sister was rushed to the hospital. She had a real high fever and passed out from pain last night. Apparently she has had severe abdominal pain since her c-section in mid October. She had a minor infection afterwards, but I'm thinking it was worse then they thought. I have a feeling she may have something more serious now that was left untreated. She has been suffering for months. Now she's in the hospital. Her husband is home with the baby and their 4 year old. Her two older children are in school. My mom watches my other sisters kid and he's sick so she can't really do anything to help out. And I'm sick and stuck in my house with my two kids because I don't have any gas in my car and I have no money. So my sister is at the hospital all alone. Bryan is working until 8:00 tonight. I just feel so bad for her and so scared for her. I told my brother in law to bring the kids to my house and I would watch them, but I don't know if he's going to do it or not. With my being sick it's the last thing they need is for me to get their teething baby sick or trigger their 4 year old's asthma. I feel so helpless.

She thinks it could be an infection of her ovaries or fallopian tubes. I think it could be an ovarian cyst, maybe one that was on the verge of bursting and then burst last night, or maybe her infection from her c-section didn't clear up and an abscess formed. Once you have one they form like wild fires. Her abdomen could be filled with them by now which is why she has the fever and the severe pain. I hope it's not that.

It's always something. Why can't my life be simple and uncomplicated?

Joined: 05/02/02
Posts: 52

So I've noticed that I've been pretty darn negative and depressing lately. I've actually felt this way for the past several months. I need to snap out of it. So for starters I'm going to say something positive about my family every day...even if it kills me. Lol

Every morning Justin runs at me full force with a big smile on his face and he jumps into my arms. He wraps his arms around my neck and his legs around my waist and he gives me a huge hug and says, "Good morning mommy, I love you so much!" It's the best thing in the world and I treasure those minutes every single day. I know one of these days he'll be too big to do that, so for now I'm just loving it.

When Gabriella wakes up I hear her babbling in her room. I usually call out to her and tell her I'm coming to get her and she starts jumping up and down in her crib laughing. When I go in her room she has a huge smile on her face and she standing there with her arms wide out to me. When I pick her up she gives me a great big kiss with the "mwah" sound and everything. I love it.

And whenever both of my kids are tired or get hurt, I'm the one they come looking for. That makes me feel good. They know I'm the comfort momma.

As for Bryan, I've made him out to be an oager I'm sure, but he's not. When I had preeclampsia and HELLP and was in the hospital, he was there every day. When I was in surgery to deliver Gab, he was right there with me holding my hand. When she was in the NICU for 2 months, he went with me to the hospital every single day for 2 months, from 7:00 am until midnight. He even helped me to pump when I couldn't figure out how to work the machine. When I needed him he was there. And I couldn't even imagine going through any of that with anyone other then him. He was my rock. He's going through a rough time right now, but I have no doubt my rock will be back soon.

I love my family. I really truly do. And although I will probably continue to complain about my husband, that does not mean I do not love him. I love him more then myself. I love my kids more then life. I would do anything for any of them. They are my world. My life. My loves.

Joined: 05/02/02
Posts: 52

Okay, so I said my nice thing for the day...it's back to complaining. Today is tax day as everyone knows. Why oh why does my husband wait until today to do everything. I know there are many people that wait until today, and that's okay, but he waits until today and has to work ALL DAY LONG. So who is the one that has to run around like a lunatic doing everything? ME! WHY? Because HE procrastinates! Drives me nuts. Not to mention he has still not invoiced his customers for the snow removal he did this past winter. We are so poor right now, but yet there is money out there some where that should be here right now. My kids are out of diapers...again. Out of milk...again. His employee's wanted to get paid today but he had no money to pay them. His pay check from his other job paid our second mortgage from last month and our past due utilities because they were going to be turned off tonight at midnight if we didn't pay. He's still waiting for that one big check from this commercial job that he's working on. But why put all your eggs in one basket? Why wait for just one check when you can invoice all the little guys and probably come up with the same amount of money. But he doesn't listen to me. So the account wouldn't release our tax information until we paid her the past due balance we owed her. So Bryan wrote her a check and told her not to cash it until Tuesday. He better start praying that the check comes tomorrow otherwise he's really screwed. As for his employee's, he had to borrow even more money from his cheap father to pay them. He was going to ask my dad but I told him I would pimp him out on the corner first before asking my dad for another dime. He already gave us money equivalent to a full time salary. He has down sized his business so much this year. Last year he had several crews running, this year it's just one crew, with two guys in it. It's kind of sad...and he still can't afford to pay them. At least not now.

When is he going to learn. My dad is going to do his invoicing moving forward, but he has to get himself caught up first. I just don't see it happening. He doesn't know how to prioritize his time. He does stupid stuff instead of what he really needs to do. And right now what he really needs to do is collect money that is owed to him from last year, and bill for snow removal. Collect, Collect, Collect!!!! My kids need to eat.

I love him, but he is so darn frustrating!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Joined: 05/02/02
Posts: 52

Last night when Bryan got home from work he did his normal thing. He fell asleep on the sofa. It was only 8:30. I yelled at him until he woke up. It sounds mean, but the man has invoicing to do. He FINALLY got up to do his invoicing and realized that he can't do it because the account still has the disk from when she did our taxes. She didn't give it back when she gave us our completed tax forms. Probably holding it hostage until the check clears on Tuesday. I don't blame her. So now he can't do his snow invoicing. Figures. He went back to sleep. Plenty of other stuff for him to do, but he didn't do it. He's working today until 4:30 and then he's off to do some landscaping estimates. He'll probably come home from them and fall asleep. I'll have to slap him.

Now for my positive words of the day.

Gabriella and Justin were playing in Justin's room yesterday. Gab was sitting on a small sofa bed (one of those little flip flop chairs from Toy's R Us) and Justin was laying on the floor "reading" her a book. He knows the words by heart so as he was looking at the pictures he was telling her the story. She sat there listening to the entire story. He was so proud of himself. She loved every second of it. I love my kids. I love that they love each other so much.

As for something positive to say about Bryan....he is working two full time jobs and trying his hardest to support his family. I have to give him that. There are some men out there that won't even work one job. He loves his family and he's trying his best. I love him for that.

Joined: 05/02/02
Posts: 52

My house is so quiet. Both kids are napping. I can't remember the last time both kids napped at the same time. I should be doing other stuff. But I really just don't feel like it. I have the laundry going...that's enough for now. What I really want to do is go shopping. That will NEVER happen though. At least not any time soon. I haven't been shopping since before Christmas. I would love to just go out with the kids and buy them a few things for the summer. I never buy expensive stuff. I'm a smart shopper. I always have been. I always get my sales. But I can't even afford sales right now. I need to get over my anger issues. It's killing me. But I really really want to go shopping. My mom bought the kids some summer clothes the other day. Our styles aren't really the same. I don't really like the clothes all that much. But beggers can't be chosers. They'll just have to wear that stuff for now...until I have some money of my own to go get them something cute.

Justin told me that he wants to go to church. Not many 3 year olds say they want to go to church. I would love to take him. I haven't been there in soooo long. We tried to take the kids a few weeks ago and they only lasted 15 minutes. I just don't think they are ready yet. Gabriella just wants to get down and run, and when I had her sitting still she turned around and grabbed the diamond ring on the woman's hand sitting behind us. Then Justin had one of his toys with him and he was making it fly all around and he flew it right into the woman in front of us. Like that wasn't bad enough...he flew it into her behive hairdo and it got stuck. Out of embarrassment I started laughing and could not stop. It was either laugh or cry, and laughter is what came out. And the woman sitting diagnolly behind us kept glaring at us and shaking her head. It was horrible. I will not be going back there any time soon. But I feel bad telling him he can't go to church. And when I try and explain to him what is expected of him and he can't do again what he did, he just does it again. He's like his father...everything I say goes in one ear and out the other. I have no idea how he's going to make it in school.

Speaking of school. My mother called me the other day asking me if I signed him up for preschool for September. I told her no. First, I don't have the money to put him in preschool right now. Second, you have to be fully potty trained to be in preschool, and I don't think he will be by then. She went on to tell me how he desperately needs to be in preschool for at least 1 year before he starts kindergarten...he needs to socialize with other children and learn to behave, blah blah blah. I let her ramble at me for at least 10 minutes before I stopped her and told her that Justin is only 3 and he will still only be 3 in September. He will not be 4 until December. Which means next September he will only be 4, not turning 5 until December, which means he missed the cut off date. That means he does not go to kindergarten next year he goes the following year. So if I put him into preschool this year he would have 2 years of preschool before starting kindergarten. Ideally I wouldn't mind that at all, but this is not an ideal world so it's not going to happen. He will go to preschool next year when he's 4. I hope to God he will be potty trained by then.

I just really hate when my mother tries to tell me how to be a mother. I know she has much more experience then I do, but she thinks I am not a good mom. She doesn't do this to my other sister, just me. I guess it's because I'm the youngest. It took almost 30 years, but I've learned to tune her out and tell her when to back off. It doesn't bother me that much any more. That's a change, huh. Something that doesn't bother me.

Joined: 05/02/02
Posts: 52

My stomach is in knots today. Every time I tried to leave the bathroom I had to run right back in. It was horrible. :evil: But my parents surprised me and stopped over today. It was nice to see them. They tried to get me to come over their house yesterday but I was not in a good place so I turned them down. Today they stopped over and the kids were so happy to see them. So we packed up and spent the afternoon there. We had a nice time. And my stomach finally settled down.

Bryan said he had to work until 11:00 tonight. I found this odd because the store is only open until 6 pm on Sunday's, but he said he had to do some kind of stock thing. I found myself not trusting him at all so on my way home from my parents I drove by the store to see if his truck was there....and if there were lots of other trucks. There were. I don't know why I thought otherwise. I know he would never cheat on me. I made it perfectly clear to him that if he ever cheated on me I would make his life a living hell forever...after I divorced his sorry butt. He has always promised me since the day that he met me that he would never cheat on me. I believe him. He has kept things from me in the past and has lied to me, but I believe him about this promise. He would never cheat on me.

My mom gave me gas money today and I got to fill up my tank for the first time in months! I'm so excited! My car runs like new now. Funny what a little gas can do.

Justin was outside playing today and he came in with a dandilion for me. I almost cried. It was so sweet...my little boy picked a flower for me. Well, it was a weed...but he thought it was a flower. I love that kid so much. Gabriella woke up about 45 minutes into her nap this afternoon. She got up and started jumping up and down in her crib, babbling and laughing. Then she went back to sleep for another 2 hours. She loves her crib and she does such a great job at getting herself back to sleep once she's awake. Justin was never able to do that. I'm so glad she can! She's such a beautiful little girl. I have great kids.

Bryan got a big commercial job for his landscaping business. I'm very excited. He's getting 1/4 of the money up front, then another 1/4 of it 2 days into the project, then the other half at the end of the week when they are finished. Most of it has to go to purchase some of the materials, but I'm hoping we can keep just a little bit of it so I can go grocery shopping. I don't ask for much. Really, I don't. I just want to feed my family.

I'm so tired. I'm going to sleep.

Joined: 05/02/02
Posts: 52

Bryan is off from his one job today and working at his own landscaping job. He had a ton of stuff to do. Did he get to do any of it? No. Why? Because his two employee's didn't show up to work....and he didn't get a hold of them to find out until 2:00! He's furious! I don't blame him.

Gabriella slept until 9:30 this morning and then went back down for a nap at 11:00...and now she's napping again. She'll go back down for bed at 8:00. I hope she's not getting sick.

I think I need to take some time out of my life for me. I'm so tired of putting everyone else first. Of course my kids need to be taken care of and they need to be first, but their father can put them first tonight while I take some time for me. I think I can find $10 so I can go see a movie by myself. I never thought I would be okay with going to a movie by myself, but I am now. I need to get out without all of them. I need time alone. I feel like I'm going out of my mind. I love my kids, but lately all I do is change diapers, cook meals, clean the house, do laundry, blah blah blah. I need to get out by myself and take time for me...for the first time in about 2 years.

I'm watching Dr. Phil. I wish Bryan was here to see it. It's about couples in financial debt. Dr. Phil just said to one couple exactly what I have been saying to Bryan for months. You cannot fix money problems with money. Money is just a bandaid for the problem. You have to get down in there to figure out the root of the problem, and then fix that. And it all starts with communication between each other. Bryan really needed to hear that. It's a shame he's not here.

I'm seriously craving some Cool Ranch Doritos. Wish I had some.

Joined: 05/02/02
Posts: 52

No positive words today. I'm such a negative person anymore. I'm starting to come to terms with that. Actually I do have one positive thing to say....the main reason I'm so negative today is not my husbands fault. That was positive, right?!

I haven't been here in a while....things have been nuts. Bryan was off Monday and Tuesday and working on the laptop preparing a contract for a big commercial job he just got. He was on all day and most of the night. I had no computer time at all. Then Tuesday afternoon I had to take Gabriella to get blood work done. She has real bad excema all over her body and her ped thinks she has a food allergy. I'm thinking she's allergic to eggs. So I finally took her to get it done. She did well. She cried of course, but more so because of the rubber band they tie around the arm then anything else. As soon as she was aloud to turn around and hug me she stopped crying. She's such a champ. I should have those results early next week, then she goes for her check up the following week.

Now for the reason I'm in such a foul mood. Bryan has downsized his business a bunch. Other then himself, he only has two other guys working for him now. Bryan has a full time job (he works 5:30 am until 4:30 pm) five days a week, and then he does his landscaping stuff from 5:00 pm until it gets dark and two full days. The other two guys he has working for him are out working from 6 am until 7 pm cutting lawns. They do that 5, sometimes 6 days a week. The foreman (Perry) who is running that crew is a friend of Bryan's. They have been friends for the past 18 years. They are like brothers. He doesn't have a vehicle, so Bryan told him he could use his Dodge to drive to the Church (he keeps his dump truch and trailer at my sisters Church), he would then leave the Dodge at the Church and take the Dump truck and trailer out to go cut lawns. After the work day is over he returns the Dump truck and trailer to the Church and picks up the Dodge and drives directly home. He is not permitted to drive that truck any place else. It is strictly to get him from home to the Church, then from the Church to his home. Period. Nothing else.

Bryan saw Perry on Tuesday and gave him gas money so he could fill up the Dump truck and the equipment. Well, Monday Perry didn't show up for work. He just didn't show up. He didn't call Bryan. Bryan called him in the afternoon to check on things and found out he didn't work...at all. Bryan was pissed. Tuesday Perry worked with the other guy. That's when Bryan met up with him and gave him gas money. Then Wednesday Bryan was working his other job. He tried calling Perry from work but Perry wasn't answering. It just so happens that my mom's house was the first house they were supposed to cut. She he called my mom to see if Perry had been there yet. She told him no. Bryan called his dad and told him to drive by the Church to see if the Dump truck and trailer were there. He did, and told him they were. Bryan was beyond pissed. Bryan tracked down Perry's mother (he lives with his mom) and she said he left real early in the morning with the Dodge. Well, he's not working. He was out ALL DAY with Bryan's work vehicle. He did not call us at all. We called him but he didn't call us back. He finally called his brother back and he lied to his broher saying he talked to us and everything was okay. I told Bryan to call the cops and report the truck stolen. He wouldn't do it. I wish he would have. We had no idea where he was, who he was with, if he was drunk, on drugs, or what. His brother called us later that night to tell us that Perry called him saying that he had been driving around with two girls that he just picked up. Two strange girls whom he never met were in my husbands work vehicle. He was God know's where, doing God knows what. And then he finally got home at midnight when the truck ran out of gas. He left it on the side of the road. Nice huh.

So Bryan had to work his other job again today. There was nothing he could do about it. His father went with a gas can and put 5 gallons of gas in the truck, picked up the keys from Perry, and brought the truck back to my house.

I finally got a hold of Perry this afternoon to find out what happened. He swears to me he was not drunk or on drugs. I DO NOT believe him for one second. I am not stupid. I was not born yesterday. He said he acted like that because he had a fight with his x-girlfriend. They have been broken up since before Christmas. I just don't believe anything he says.

Oh, and I forgot about last night. After Bryan got done working his other job he came home and I had to drop him off at the Church so he could pick up the Dump truck and trailer so he could go cut some lawns. He had to make *some* money for the business yesterday. And the truck was still on empty. So the money Bryan gave to Perry for gas was spent on either drugs or booze I'm sure.

I have just had enough. When the hell are we going to catch a break with SOMETHING????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!! We should have called the cops and had him thrown in jail. His mom and brother wouldn't have bailed him out. Jail is where he needs to be right now. UGH! Calgon take me away!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Joined: 05/02/02
Posts: 52

I can't wait for this day to be over. I feel horrible because I just rush through my days...I can't wait for most of them to be over with. It's 6:00 and Justin is still napping. Any idea what that means??? This kid is not going to go to bed tonight. He drives me crazy! I have been trying to get him up for the past 2 hours. This is insane. It's a rainy miserable day here, but he should not be napping this long. I'm nto going to have any time to myself tonight. No down time at all. Bryan worked from 5:30 am until 4:30 pm and then he went straight to cut lawns for his landscaping business. He won't be home tonight until 9:00. It's a long day for him, but it's a long day for me too. I'm here alone all day with two kids.

My head has really been hurting me lately too. It sucks. I think it's a stress induced headache though. I hope it's not the pseudo tumor headache. God, that's the last thing we need right now. Me back in the hospital.

I'm just so darn tired. And I know Bryan is too. When is this going to get easier? When is our life going to settle down?

And then I feel horrible about complaining when there are people out there worse off then me. My Aunt with breast cancer. My other Aunt who has over come brain tumors, and tumors throughout her entire body, my other Aunt who possibly has thyroid cancer. It's horrible. And I'm watching the news. There was a horrible accident on the highway, several cars and a tractor trailer. People got stuck in their cars and the cars caught fire. No one could get them out before the fire trucks got there. Those people burned to death. Devastating. Why do I even bother watching the news. It makes me more depressed.

I need help. I'm so depressed. I really am. I love my kids and my husband, but I can't get out of this funk that I'm in. I hope once this stuff with Bryan's work settles down, and he makes up his mind about what he's going to do, things will get better. I will just keep concentrating on my kids and try to plug along.

I wish I had a day all to myself. I would sleep as late as I wanted. I would take a LONG HOT bubble bath. I would go get a massage, manicure, pedicure, I would get my hair cut and high lighted, and I would go shopping. Of course I don't have the money for any of that, nor do I have the time for any of that. But it's wishful thinking.

The other day I had myself completely convinced that I was going to go see a movie all by myself. Never happened. I knew it wouldn't. I can't even spend $10 on something frivalous. Especially when one of my medications has a $70 co-pay every freakin month. Oh well, it's wishful thinking.

Joined: 05/02/02
Posts: 52

Is there something fundamentally wrong with me? Bryan didn't get home until 9 pm last night. Was gone from 5:15 am. I know he's tired. That's a long day. It was a long day for me too. I had two kids all by myself all day with no break. They don't nap at the same time. And they both are wanting to stay up late to see their father. Even if it's just for a few minutes. Well, Gabriella just can't hang. Her bed time is 8 pm. A few minutes past 8:00 and she's miserable. Well she was up until 9:30 last night so she could spend some time with her dad. She hasn't even seen him all week except for last night. But was it good time? No. She was miserable and whining. So I told Bryan, I know you have to work like this right now to get caught up and until things settle down, but once they do you have to make sure you have balance in your life so the kids are not neglected by their father. They miss him terribly when they don't see him. And he understands that. So he brought her up to bed and she went right to sleep. Justin stayed up until 11:30. Bryan fell asleep on the sofa and Justin sat next to him. It made me sad because that little boy just wanted to spend some quality time with him, and it didn't happen.

Not to mention the fight Bryan and I had....again! I told him that he has off from his one job Saturday and Sunday so he will be working for his own business. BUT, he HAS to do the invoicing for the snow removal....especially since it's almost MAY and it snowed in December! He's bringing his laptop and all his customer/billing info over to my dad's house tonight so my dad can invoice his current landscaping work to date. But my dad is under the impression that the snow was billed MONTHS ago, and it was not. Bryan flat out lied to him. And my dad will know tonight when he gets the computer. The only way for Bryan to cover his own butt is to do the invoicing before we bring everything over. At least then my dad will be able to see it in the computer. So I told Bryan last night, spend some quality time with Justin then do the invoicing. He didn't do either. He fell asleep. When I woke him up and asked him when he was going to do it, he started yelling at me telling me that I'm a nag, blah blah blah. I don't think so. I thought that trying to get the money that's owed to us so that I can feed my family makes me a good mom....not a nag. Then he tells me he's going to sleep but he'll wake up real early and do the invoicing before he starts work. Do you think that happened? No. He was up and out of the house by 7 am. Invoicing still not done. He will work until 5 pm. He'll come home, take a shower, and then freak out because we will have to leave for my parents house and the invoicing for the snow won't be done. Then he'll try and think of creative ways to lie to my father yet again. I'm just so sick of this crap. Money is so tight. We don't have two dimes to rub together, but yet he STILL won't do the invoicing to collect money owed to him from this past winter. Not only that but he won't call any of his customers that owe him tons of money from last year either. WHY in the heck is he going to do work for them again this year if they still have balances from last year????????? But when I talk to him, ask him these things, make suggestions, it just goes in one ear and out the other. Apparently I don't know what I'm talking about. I was never a landscaper myself but I was a Corporate Recruiter for a Management Technology and Consulting Firm. Before that I was a Sales Manager. Before that I was a Paralegal (a job I worked while going to college). I know a little bit about the business world. No, I never finished college and got my bachelors degree. I went from full time status to part time status when I got married so I could work full time and save a lot of money (money that my husband has now flushed down the toilet). Then I got pregnant whenI only had two classes left and had to stop going. I was still working for a while and didn't want to take any more time away from the baby. Then when I quit work to help Bryan with his business we had to be real frugal with our money, which meant I didn't get to go back to finish those two classes. He on the other hand (as I recently found out) spent that money on what ever he wanted and put us into bankruptcy. So anyway, I do know what I'm talking about when I give him sound business advice. My hands on experience in the business world should be enough. But it's not for him. And then when I quit my job in 2002 I have been working the landscaping scene helping him. I have not been doing it all my life like him, but I have been for 3 years now, on top of my other business experience. Oh I don't know....I just think the man needs to listen to me once in a while. I'm not stupid. I really do know what I'm talking about.

This year I have refused to help him doing pretty much anything with his business. I'm tired of him not taking me seriously and treating me like I don't know what I'm talking about. For the past 3 years I have been asking him to sit down with me for 1 hour to show me the invoicing. That's all it would take is just 1 hour. He could never find the time. He found the time for my dad. It's because he respects my dad. It's obvious he doesn't respect me. I've answered the phones for him, checked voice mail messages, returned phone calls, scheduled appointments, I told him I would go and do the estimates. But he doesn't want the kids in the background when I talk to these people. Well, I have two kids and they make noise so I won't do it then. Period. I'm not going to put them in day care to answer phones for him. I can't even afford day care around here. And I don't have any family that can help. So I'm done. He wants something that's not possible. He doesn't understand that he's not a HUGE company. He's a small business. Small businesses have to operate as such. That means the wife does some work for the husband and the kids may be in the background. If the customers don't like it, then oh well. If he doesn't like it, then he's on his own. He doesn't like it. He's on his own. Period.

I'm just so frustrated. I'm so tired of being unappreciated. I'm so tired of feeling like a big dummy. I'm just so tired. Physically and emotionally, I need a break. I just need to get away for a while. I need a break. I could never leave my children though. But I could for the day to get some R&R.

I have to go put on Scooby Doo 2 for Justin. Every day....he loves that movie!

Joined: 05/02/02
Posts: 52

Okay, this will be quick since the baby just got up from her nap and is freaking out. We can now prove that Perry stole over $2,000.00 from us last year. And we are still in the very early stages of our investigation. He collected money (cash) from several customers and never turned it in. We are now finding out from them that they paid Perry cash because he said we did not accept checks (that's BS!). One customer was over $400, another was over $300, another was $400, another was $600, another was $180, another was cut all season ($35 every week for 26 weeks) and he collected cash and Bryan didn't even know he was cutting the guy until today, and it goes on and on. And I'm sure we are going to find out about many many more cases of this. I want to sue the pants off of him. Or at least with hold his final pay check. I don't think we can with hold his check. Can we sue? Is it worth it? Can we prove it? We have the customers who will say they paid him, but then it will be Perry's word against ours. He can say he turned in the cash and then Bryan put it in his pocket and is now trying to screw him because he's mad about the truck incident. Who knows. We obviously don't have a case, but man...I wish I could just slap the crap out of him. What an ass. My son loved him. Called him Uncle Perry. Hugged him every time he saw him. And he knew about my medical issues. He knew about my daughter being in the NICU last year, he knows about our financial issues now. And he's STILL taking money from us. He's STILL taking away from my children. He better hope I never run into him. I will have to slap him right across the face. :twisted: What nerve. I am furious!!!!!!!!!!!

Joined: 05/02/02
Posts: 52

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry.....just had to scream. That's the kind of day I'm having. :cry:

Joined: 05/02/02
Posts: 52

Today sucks. It doesn't matter what we do, how nice we are or how nasty we are, we always get screwed in the end. Bryan took such good care of Perry. Paid him very well. Better then he should have been paid. He stole (as of right now) over $3,000.00 from us last year. He also made a verbal agreement with Bryan to pay his mothers bill for $400 and his ex-girlfriends bill for $370, and to repay Bryan the $60 gas money that Bryan gave him for work that Perry stole the day he stole his truck. He was supposed to repay that all today with his paycheck. He did not. Legally, Bryan cannot with hold that paycheck from him. He had to give it to him and Perry had to give the cash back to him. Perry refused. So now we are out another $830. And every day Bryan goes out to work he finds out from more customers that they paid Perry cash and Perry pocketed the money. Yesterday there was a guy that paid Perry every single time he was there, totalling $400. Perry made out like a bandit. He's freakin thief and a liar. I am so totally disgusted and appalled right now. I know it's only money, but we are so freakin flat broke.....now I know why!!!!!!!!!! I'm just sick to death over this. I can't stand it. I want to cry. I am just so damn depressed. How can he do this to us. How can he do this to my children. He is scum of the Earth. Dirt bag.

Joined: 05/02/02
Posts: 52

Bryan's quitting his job today. It stresses me out. He and my father are convinced he can support the family on his landscaping business alone. I don't forsee that happening. But then again, without him spending money like it's going out of style and without all of the debt, maybe we will be okay. But I hate the word maybe. I want a more stable life. I told him I would go back to work full time once my condition was under control and I was cleared by my neurologist to work. But it doesn't really make sense because the cost of child day care is so expensive that it would make more sense for one of us to stay home. And he would never be a stay at home dad, although he would be a good one.

What to do, what to do.....

Joined: 05/02/02
Posts: 52

Are other people as unhappy as I am? Don't get me wrong, I love my family but I don't know how much more of all this I can take. I'm so tired, so sad, and I feel so alone. I just don't feel like there is an end to this mess.

Yesterday we went to my parents house. Bryan had to sit down with my dad to work on some business stuff. Me and the kids were just going to hang out with my mom. We ordered a pizza and were relaxing. Justin does not like to eat. He refuses. When we are at home I can get him to eat, but at my mom's house my mother babies him and lets him get away with murder. He doesn't listen to me while we are there. I put an end to that last night. Justin would not eat his dinner. He wanted to go watch TV. I told him he could not watch TV until he at least took 1 bite of his food. He refused. He threw a tantrum. I gave him another chance. He still refused. I turned the TV off and made him leave the table. He lost his chance to eat and he cannot have any snacks, milk or TV. If he's thirsty he can drink water. Period. Well he went straight to my mom. I told my mom that he's coming to her because he knows she's the weakest link and she needs to be strong and stick to what I said. She starts to well up with tears and tells me she can't be strong, she can't stand to see him like that, and then she put her hand up in my face and told me to stop talking to her because she can't stand to talk to ME right now because of what I'm doing to HIM. What in the HELL is that all about? I'm disciplining my son! So then she offers him a bagel. NO. I don't want him to eat a bagel. I gave him his dinner. He eats what I give him or he doesn't eat. Period. How dare she undermind my authority and disrespect me as a mother. I make the decisions for my son, just as she made the decisions for me when I was a kid. So he didn't stop throwing a tantrum, screaming and crying. I picked the kids up and I left. She didn't think I should leave, but I needed to teach Justin that when you don't listen to me you have consequences. I told him to stop throwing the tantrum or we would leave. He didn't stop, we left. She was really pissed because I left. Oh well.

So now today it's 3:00 in the afternoon and I am yet to hear from her. Normally I talk to her by 9:00 am. Not today. She's mad at me. Can you believe that. She's mad at me because I am teaching my kids to respect me and listen to me. Go figure. I wonder how long it will take for her to call me. Lets just wait this out and see.

It's very frustrating because I need a mom to talk to, a mom to get advice from, and a mom to help me. Instead she's overly consumed with my sisters kid that she babysits and can't be bothered with my or my other sister and our children.

Like I said before, I'm in a miserable mood. I'm tired and cranky and I'm just not happy. This all sucks.

Joined: 06/19/02
Posts: 1228

:bighug: I hope you don't mind me posting here but I wasn't sure where to post it since I am not sure what you are reading or not reading.

I can relate to what you are going through and how you are feeling. I am depressed now I know, I take the anti-depressant Zoloft but it doesn't work. If you ever wanna chat, send me a PM or you might be able to catch me on Yahoo at Lexismommie21003

Joined: 05/02/02
Posts: 52

Thank you so much Kymberly12803! That was very sweet and I appreciate your kind and supportive words. I needed that!

Normally I am not such a miserable person, but lately it's hard to even get myself to smile. This just sucks. I use to be such an outgoing, energetic, and happy person that ALWAYS had a smile on my face. I would smile so much people would comment on how white my teeth were....because that's all you would ever see! Not any more. I miss the old me. I want so bad to be that person again. I think my kids would LOVE that old me. They would think that mom was the coolest mom ever. But how do I get back there? How do I get past all of this hurt and resentment and anger? I feel like I've been living with it for so long now I can't just turn it off over night. But that's what I want to do and that's what everyone else wants me to do. But that's so unrealistic. I feel like I need to deal with the problems first instead of sweaping them under the rug, and then maybe I can heal and move past all of this. I just don't see how though.

Last night Bryan and I had another fight. He told me that if I want to know the truth, the truth is that he knew we could not afford for me to quit my job back in 2002. WHY IS HE JUST TELLING ME THIS NOW???? We talked about it! I told him I wanted to be a SAHM with our 3 month old son. I told him I could work for him, answering his business phone and doing all of the office work for him and his business while taking care of the baby. It was easier then. My mom could come over and help me with him if I needed her to, but all he really did at that age was eat and sleep anyway. I had the time to do it all. He said he would make it work and it was okay for me to quit. So I did. Why is he telling me 3 years later that he knew we couldn't afford for me to quit. How stupid was that! If my kids weren't there last night I think I would have smacked him right across the head. Seriously. Why has he been keeping me in the dark about all of this for so long? I am just so angry at him. I love him to death, I really do. And thinking of all of our good times makes me feel really good. But lately it's all been lies and bad times. And I just don't think I can live like this anymore.

I told my mom this morning I was thinking about leaving Bryan, temporarily. She asked me where I would go and what I was planning on doing for money. Nice mom, huh. She would rather see me live miserably then see me happy. I told her I would make him leave and go live with his parents and since I have his children and he's the sole provider for this family, he will have to continue to provide for us. I will of course look into getting a nanny to come to my house and watch the kids so I can go back to work full time, regardless of what my neurologist says. She pretty much told me that no matter what I'm feeling I have to suck it up and deal with it. Like I said, she would rather see me living here with him miserably then living away from him (even it was just temporary) and happy. Me and the kids are fine all day when he's not here. We have a hard time some times. It's difficult trying to discipline a 3 year old and a 1 year old. It's definitely a challenge. But there is no screaming in this house and no tension. As soon as he walks in the door there is so much tension. He's home not even 1 hour last night and we were all screaming like lunatics, Justin too. He can't take the bad behavior and screams at them. I can't take him screaming at them so I scream at him. Justin screams at us. Bryan screams at Justin for screaming at us. It's a big ugly mess. And I told Bryan it is not good for Justin or for Gabriella to see any of this. We are not like this when he's not here. The dynamics of this family changes when he gets home. We either need to run to a marriage counselor or we need to seperate. Even if it's only temporary. I need a break from him. The kids need a break from the fighting. It will just be better for everyone that way. We all love each other. But we can't go on like this. It's no good for any of us.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Jen~

Girl.. I am so sorry you are goign through all this crap. I seriously think you all need a break. I think you should see if someone can watch the kids and you and Bryan sit down and really talk where the kids can't see or hear anything that is going on. You need to decide what to do. Check into getting Social security Disability. Your neuro can help you with that. It would at least be added income. You and Bryan need to hash this out without the kids seeing it. Talk about a temporary separation. Ask him where he sees this going. What does he want? Does he want to work things out?

I miss ya girl and will catch up to you soon!!!

Joined: 05/02/02
Posts: 52

Well, I packed his bags and threw him out....but he won't go. We had yet another huge fight in front of the kids. Poor Justin just sits there and screams. We are destroying that little boy. I feel so bad for him. I don't know if I'm coming or going anymore. He doesn't understand that this household is calm and fine when he's not here. He walks in the door and all hell breaks loose. Then he leaves to go to work and leaves me to pick up the pieces. It's not fair. I just can't stand it anymore. I told him I want to seperate. Even if it's just temporary. Just so we can have time apart to think. He says I obviously don't love him. I do love him, but I love my kids too. And this is killing them. I can't stand by and let them go thru this another minute. He says I just want to divorce him so I can remarry someone with money. It is obviously clear he does not know me at all. I am NOT a materialistic person. I do not need a lot of money nor do I need a lot of material things to be happy. I just want to be happy. Period. And he can't do it anymore. This situation we are in is not making me happy. I do not want to get divorced. I want to get away from this situation for a while. Take a step back, get a fresh view of things, and talk it through. What we are doing right now is not working. It's making things worse. He just doesn't understand.

I am so unhappy. He'll be home in one hour and I'm dreading it. That's so sad, isn't it.

Joined: 05/02/02
Posts: 52

Well lets see....he came home from work, sat down on the sofa, and fell sound asleep. Surprise! He won't talk to me during the day because he "has to work", can't talk to me at night because he "has to work his second job", but says we'll talk when he gets home at 11:30 pm. Yeah right. He comes home, miserable. Sits down without saying booh to me and falls asleep. And he tries to hide it from me that he's sleeping. I can't stand that. I know he's tired, he had a super long day. But when oh when is he going to talk to me and try to work things out. I was going to leave tonight, but I didn't. I just don't think it's fair for me to have to pack up my kids and myself and disrupt their life because of him. Plus, I don't really have anywhere to go. My mom made it clear that I can't go there. Even if I did, Gabriella doesn't sleep well over there, and Justin and I would have to share a room. It just wouldn't go well. IMO it would be easier for him to leave the house for a while.

God, this mess makes me so sad. I love that man so much. Why isn't love enough anymore? Why are we at each other's throats all the time lately? I just can't take it. But I still love him so darn much. I have loved him for 11 years now. I can remember everything about our first kiss, our first date, our engagement, planning our wedding, our wedding day, our honeymoon, our first year in our new house, finding out we were pregnant for the first time, having our first baby, having our second baby, supporting each other while in the NICU. I remember all of this like it was yesterday. I can still feel those butterflies in my stomach when I think of him. I really do love him so much. I hate what has happened to us.

I asked him tonight if he still loves me. He answered "yeah", very unconvincing. I don't think he does. Maybe that's why he's been acting the way he has. Maybe that's why he's been so miserable and so unhappy. I don't know....maybe it would be better if we did just get a divorce. Maybe we are just better off friends now. I just don't know anymore. All I do know is I cannot go on like this. I love him and all I want is for him to love me back and respect me.

I'm going to bed. He's already asleep. We won't have to see or talk to each other. Nice, huh.

Joined: 06/19/02
Posts: 1228

HUGE :bighug: It will all work out in the long run whatever the situation may be. Have you discussed counseling or anything like that? Sometimes churches offer free services. :dontknow: if you have that in your area or not!

I hope you 2 can work this out!

Joined: 05/02/02
Posts: 52

Thanks Kymberly. We did try counseling at our church back in the Fall. It was a complete disaster. We went once and never went back. We both felt it was a complete waste of time. I have suggested counseling with a professional and he agreed to it, but I haven't gone as far as to actually find someone yet. Then of course there is the financial problem. Even if we found someone I don't think we will be able to afford it right now. Even if a professional worked with us on a payment plan, I don't know if Bryan would actually go. He says he would, but I don't think he will. He leaves for work at 5:30 am and doesn't get home until 11:30 pm. He does this 6 days a week. On the 7th day he's sitting in his office (which is my dining room) checking voice mail messages for his business, calling people back, working on proposals, paying bills. He doesn't even spend 5 minutes a day with his kids. Where is he going to find the time to spend an hour plus to go to counseling. It sounds great until I actually make the appointment. Then his story will change. That's just how he works. Drives me nuts.

And in the mean time, this family is falling apart. I feel so sad for my kids. I feel so overwhelmed being here by myself all day and night long and I'm sure they sense it. And when he does breeze through here we fight. It's insane. We think we are punishing each other but we are really punishing the kids. And for what? Nothing. They did nothing wrong. They didn't ask to be born into this mess. All they want to do is be loved and cared for and they want to play with their mom and dad. But we can't get along with each other long enough. I was so hoping things would change by now. He promised me things would be different. And they are....they are worse then ever.

I want what we had. I miss that. I miss the old Bryan. The Bryan that made me laugh. The Bryan that made me feel good about myself. The Bryan that made me feel special. The Bryan that made me feel like I was the prettiest and most special person in the room, no matter what room we were in and how many people were in that room. I always knew he only had eyes for me. That was our wedding song..."I only have eyes for you" by the Flamingo's. An oldie but goodie. That's how we always felt with each other. Now I'm lucky if he knows I'm even alive. He use to dote over Justin. Nothing was ever good enough for his boy. All he ever wanted to do was take care of his son and his wife and make us happy. Then things got rough and now all he does is snap at the poor boy. And Gabriella...he was my rock when she was born and a preemie in the hospital. He was there when I needed him the most. I wouldn't have made it without him. And I didn't want anyone else but him by my side throughout that entire ordeal. But now he blows right past her like she's not even there. She's 15 months old, almost 16 months. She's old enough to know her daddy's not around and she misses him. He doesn't understand that.

I just don't know what to do. Is it better to seperate now and let the kids get use to the idea of only seeing daddy for two hours two nights a week and every other weekend (which is more then they see him now) or stick it out longer and see if it gets better? I know this sounds selfish but I don't want my kids to be away from me for an entire weekend. God, I can't believe I'm even thinking about this. Why has it come to this???? How did we get here?? How do we get back?? Where do we even begin?? I don't want to lose him, but I just can't go on this way anymore. I am so confused. I really don't know what to do anymore. I just don't know what to do. I love my husband but I hate what we have become.

Joined: 05/02/02
Posts: 52

Well, I waited up for him to come home from work last night...I waited up as long as I could. He workd until 11 pm and is usually home by 11:30 at the latest. At 11:45 he still wasn't home and I just passed out. I was so tired. I woke up on the sofa around 2 am and he was sleeping on the recliner. I don't know what time he got in. We both stumbled up to bed. This morning since it's pouring rain he slept in (until 7 am) and he actually put his arms around me and kissed my cheak when he got up. That was a first in a very long time. He was very sweet, very kind, and very loving. I should be happy, right? Of course not. I'm suspicious. He hasn't been that way in soooooo long and then last night he gets home from work super late, wakes up and is all lovey with me like old times. What's that about? Is he guilty about something? Should I be worried that he was up to no good? I've asked him at least 100 times if he's having an affair and he adamantly denies it. He says he would never do that to me. The way he says it I'm inclined to believe him. But should I? Can I trust him? I just don't know anymore. Or maybe he woke up happy because he slept an extra 2 hours in the morning. I just don't know. I'm very confused. I don't want to always think the worse of my husband. He's a good man. This time last year I would have been thrilled with how we woke up together. Why am I so pessimistic now? Why so suspicious? Shouldn't I just enjoy the fact that we started off having a good day and will hopefully not fight today. God, I hope and pray that we do not fight today. God give me strength!!!!!!!!!!!!

Joined: 05/02/02
Posts: 52

I love my kids. Justin has been watching his Saturday morning cartoons and being such a good boy. Gabriella is playing in the pillow pile. Justin threw all the pillows from all the sofas on the floor, along with the two afgans my grandmom made, and it made this giant soft pile of fluff. She keeps throwing herself around in it and cracking up laughing. Every once in a while Justin will jump off the sofa into the pile of fluff and the two of them will wrestle. They have so much fun together. They are good kids. I love them so much. I can't imagine my life without them. I just want to grab them both and kiss them all up. They have the cutest little faces! They could never do anything or be anything in life that would make me love them or respect them any less. I love who they are, inside and out, no matter who they grow up to be. I really do love my babies!

Joined: 05/02/02
Posts: 52

Gabriella is in bed sleeping (has been for the past 2 hours) and Justin is up watching Harry Potter on TV. He LOVES all those Harry Potter movies. He's such a good boy. This kid can keep himself entertained for hours. He'll watch cartoons, movies, or play with his toys, color, paint, draw, build with his blocks, clean up his toys. He always finds something to do to keep himself busy when I have something to do. I can't sit and play with him all day long, but I do try and play with him during the day when I can. Tonight he built a little tent and he and his sister were playing under the tent (before she went to sleep). And she kept trying to crawl into the fireplace. So he piled up a bunch of big toys in front of the fireplace to block her from getting too close. He is such a good kid. He really looks out for her. Don't get me wrong, they fight and get into trouble, but for the most part they get along so well and love being together. He loves his baby. That's what he calls her. HIS baby. He very rarely calls her Gabriella. He calls her "baby". And the funny thing is she'll respond to it. When he says come here baby, she'll follow him. It's so funny. God, I really love my kids. I would do anything for them.

Bryan is really trying to work things out today. I'm not sure why or what did it. Like I said earlier, he got home from work super late last night but when we woke up this morning he was very snuggly. He called me from work about an hour ago just to say "hello beautiful, I love you". He hasn't done that in a long time. I actually started to cry! It was so nice. It was like I was talking to the old Bryan. He has the entire day off tomorrow and we are supposed to be taking the kids to a carnival. I'm hoping everything goes as planned. The kids need to see us spend the day together having fun and happy and not fighting. I'm going to do my best to not fight with him. And I'm hoping he will respect me and not pick a fight with me.

A lot of times, in the rare occassions when Bryan is home, I will be disciplining the kids (as I always do all day long) and he will disagree with me right in front of the kids. He'll tell me I'm wrong (making me look like the bad guy) and tell me the right way to do it. It totally contradicts everything I do all day long while I'm there with those kids by myself all day long. We need to be on the same page when it comes to parenting. Even if he disagrees with how I am handling something he needs to pull me aside away from the kids and we can discuss it then. But not in front of the kids. That's why the kids play favorites. That's why they look at me like I'm an oager and he's a prince. He lets them get away with murder and I have to discipline them.

So anyway, that will be the big challenge tomorrow. I hope he can respect me enough to follow thru with my hard work. I need to keep things structured when it comes to discipline for these kids. Right now they know when they are misbehaving they will get a warning and if they don't stop and listen to me then they will have to deal with the consequences. Justin's punishment is usually a 3 minute time out in his room by himself followed by me taking away his favorite toy. Gabriella is still really young so time outs don't really work yet. But when she does something she's not suppose to I redirect her behavior. This works for us. Justin knows this is what happens and usually responds to the warning. I don't have to scream at them and I don't have to spank them. What I do works. So now I just need for Bryan to follow thru on my disciplining techniques to keep the structure in their lives. And he HAS to do some of the disciplining. I can't be the only bad guy.

God, I ramble all the time when I get into my journal. Can you tell Justin is engrossed in his movie and Bryan is at work?!

I hope we have a good day on Sunday. I hope, I hope, I hope. This will be the tell tail sign. At least for me. If it's not going to work between us I will know tomorrow. If there is a chance in hell I will know tomorrow. Sunday is the big day. But I am just so darn happy that he is trying. He called me tonight. He thought about me long enough to call me and see how I was doing and to ask how the kids were. You have no idea how good that made me feel. It's a start!

Here's hoping for a good day on Sunday!!!!!!!!

Joined: 05/02/02
Posts: 52

Sunday was a good day. It wasn't great, but it was good. It started off good. Gabriella woke up her normal time. I got up with her and brought her down stairs. I let Bryan stay in bed to sleep in. Then I heard Justin wake up about an hour later and I knew he was going to go wake up his dad, so Gab and I went upstairs too and we all went in and got in bed with him. The kids LOVED jumping on him in bed. We stayed in bed together for a little while then we went out to breakfast. Justin hates eating. He colored the entire time. Gabriella loves food. She loves to eat so much she kisses her food before she eats it. She's just like her daddy. I'm going to have to watch her when she becomes a teenager so she doesn't become a little porker. But for now it's cute that she loves to eat so much. We went home to get freshened up and my sister called to tell us the birthday party was cancelled because they were all sick. But today was still the last day of the carnival and I promised Justin all week we would go so I suggested to Bryan that we go. He seemed very uninterested. He was just laying around like a bump on a log. He seemed bored and bothered. Then Gabriella went down for her nap. Now he was really annoyed. He can't stand doing nothing. But in the same breath he was saying he didn't feel like doing anything. Does that make any sense? It didn't to me! All he wanted to do was BBQ and drink some beer. How is that fun for the kids? Especially since Justin is not one for eating meat. He's a self proclaimed vegetarian at the age of 3. Not to mention it was the last day of the carnival and I promised Justin we would go. Then my dad called and told Bryan to go over at 7pm so they could do the invoicing for his business. That pissed off Bryan. He felt it would be so much faster if he did it himself. Yeah, because the two times he did billing for the entire year last year made sense. Sure. And because I finally fought with him enough to make him finally do his snow invoicing just two weeks ago....in APRIL. But now allof a sudden Bryan is able to do the billing and doesn't want my dad's help. So I told him if you don't want my dad's help go cut him a check for $35,000 and tell him you don't need his help anymore. Bryan just laughed and said it wasn't possible. Exactly my point. It's okay for him to take my dad's money but when my dad wants to give up HIS precious time and energy to do the invoicing for free for Bryan so that Bryan can get money in on a regular basis, all of a sudden Bryan doesn't need all of his help. He's ridiculous. All because Bryan was too tired. There wouldn't be enough time to go to the carnival AND BBQ. Why does he act like a child? He is a grown man but if he doesn't get what he wants when he wants it, it's the end of the world! He keeps forgetting that he has a family....kids....and when you make a promise to a kid you cannot break that promise because Justin of all people, he does not forget a thing.

So anyway, we went to the carnival. I had to wake up Gabriella from her nap to go so Bryan would calm the heck down about the time. Bryan seemed miserable until we got there. Once we were there he lightened up a bit. Just a bit. When we left he raved about what a good time we all had. Then we went to the store to get the stuff we needed for the BBQ. By the time we got home from that there really was no time to grill anything. He had to get his stuff together and leave for my parents house. I stayed home with Gabriella because it was close to her bed time. Justin went with Bryan so he could spend time with my mom. But Bryan acted like a big baby because he didn't have time to grill. So of course I had to point out to him that if he would have run his business differently last year and sent out bills more then just 2 times in a 12 month period, my father wouldn't be all over him to let him do the billing. But regardless of my dad's reasons, he has a lot of money invested into Bryan's business now. And then last night he gave him another check for $10,000. So now we owe him about $45,000. And Bryan has the nerve to complain about my dad?! Bryan's father is the cheap bastard that took my coupon for free milk! My dad gave us $45k. And where is Bryan's dad during all this?????? He took a trip to Florida. He cares lots what happens to us. I swear, I can't stand Bryan's parents. They are a bunch of ingrates. And I'm supposed to go out of my way to see them for Mother's Day. I don't think so. If Bryan wants to see his mother he can go see her. Me and the kids will be with my mom. They are the people that care about us. Screw his family. They suck.

But anyway, by the time Bryan got home from my dad's house last night his mood changed. Of course it did, he had a huge check in his pocket.

So it was a good day in the morning through breakfast. Bad until we got to the carnival. Good through the carnival. Bad until he left for my parents house. And the good again after that. So far I haven't talked to him today. He's working all day doing his landscaping stuff and then tonight he goes to his other job and works until 11 pm. But tomorrow night he's off from his other job. So when he's done his landscaping he'll be able to spend a few hours with us tomorrow night. We'll see how that goes.

Joined: 05/02/02
Posts: 52

I'm having a bad day today, but what else is new. Believe it or not this has nothing to do with Bryan. I'm just so damn tired and these kids are running me ragged. I can't keep up with anything that I have to do around here and it's driving me nuts. I have no help from anyone. My mom watches my sisters 10 month old kid. That means she won't come over and help me with anything. I was crying to her on the phone earlier telling her how I can't take it anymore because Gabriella just follows me around whining and crying and I can't get anything done because she is literally right up my butt all day long. And EVERYONE'S response is, "let her cry". I do, I will do my best to see what it is she's crying about. I make sure she has a clean diaper. I make sure she's not hungry. I make sure her sippy cup is full of milk. I make sure she's not hurt in any way. I make sure she can reach all of her toys. Once I do all of that I know she's okay. So why is she just following me around crying? I have no idea. So yes, I just let her cry. But I literally will trip over her because I don't see her. And then she falls and then she really cries. I was scrubbing my kitchen counter tobs and had bleach all over my hands and she was standing beneath me just reaching up for me. I was on the phone with my mom telling her what was happening and my mom was laughing her little heart out. Why is that funny?! I'm crying to my mom telling her that someone better come and get these kids soon to give me a break because I'm going to lose it and all she can do is laugh. I'm sorry, but it's just not funny. It's not a joke. My mental breakdown is not something to laugh about. All I wanted from my mom at that moment was for her to say, "this happens to everyone, this too will pass, I'll come over for an hour and help" anything! I would have LOVED it if she would have come over for an hour to help me out. I could have finished my cleaning without the kids up my butt and then I could have taken a shower without them in there asking me if I'm done yet and pounding on the shower door. It would have been so nice of her to do that for me. Did she offer? No. Does she live far from me? No. Only about 15 minutes. But she didn't want to put a damper on her day of sitting around watching TV while my nephew crawled around entertaining himself. My mom does nothing. She doesn't even clean her own house. She has people come in and clean for her. This kid she watches entertains himself. All she has to do is change his diapers and feed him breakfast and lunch. He doesn't like taking bottles anymore so she doesn't even have to feed him bottles. It's cake her life. So why not come and help out your other kids when they obviously need your help? I just don't get it!

My other sister had to take her 4 year old for an MRI yesterday of his head. About a month ago he had a seizure out of no where and since we have a family history of brain tumors and neurological disorders they wanted to do this MRI to rule out any abnormal growths in there. Well he had a horrible reaction coming out of the sedation and was a complete mess. My sister was a basket case. But before she even took him she had no one to watch her 6 month old. She couldn't ask my mom because my mom would have said no. My mom can't do more then one thing at a time. She got her sister in law. So they ended up having to stay at the hospital much longer then they had planned since he had such a bad reaction to the sedation and my sister panicked because she has two older kids that were just coming home from school to an empty house. Think my mom would help? No. She had to call her neighbor. Her neighbor took them in and even cooked dinner for my sister and the entire family. But that's the kind of thing my mom should have done. It's so annoying. She can't do more then one thing at a time.

Bryan just called. His truck is stuck so I have to go wake up the kids from their naps and go get him. They're going to be pleasant.

Joined: 05/02/02
Posts: 52

Okay, now I am having a really bad day and it is Bryan's fault. I woke the kids up from their naps and put them in the car and drove to go get him since his dump truck was stuck. I brought him home so he could pick up his pick up truck and a chain so he could pull the truck out of the mud. He left here at 4:00. Justin asked him if he was home and Bryan said he would be home real soon. He doesn't have to work his second job tonight so tonight is his night to relax with the family. We were going to BBQ tonight since we never got around to it on Sunday. I tried getting a hold of him right after he left (not even 5 minutes later) and he didn't answer his phone. And I have been calling him every 3-5 minutes since for the past 3 hours and he has not answered the phone or called me back. When he goes to his second job he is always home by now. So why isn't he home yet tonight? And WHY isn't he calling me back? If he still has a ton to do, then call me and tell me this. Don't make me and the kids sit around all night starving waiting to eat dinner. It's just freakin ignorant. So I warmed up left overs and we ate. I can't believe he still hasn't called. And he never bought the envelopes to mail out his invoices. He was supposed to have them when he went to my dads on Sunday but he didn't have a chance to go get them. So last night he was going to get them on his break from work, but I'm looking around and I don't see them so he obviously forgot....again. He printed out the invoices and they are just sitting here. If I had the envelopes I could have mailed them for him today. And he had the nerve to complain about my dad helping him with the invoicing. He said he could do it faster himself. Yeah right. It has been 2 days and he still hasn't even gotten the damn envelopes. If all of the data input was left to him that wouldn't be done yet either.

He really truly gets on my nerves. Where is his friggin head??

I can't believe it's 7:00 pm and he was supposed to be home for dinner at 5:00, he didn't show up and he didn't call and he hasn't called me back. I just can't believe him. And I actually thought things would get better between us. I was obviously wrong. What in the hell is wrong with me for staying with him and putting up with this ignorant crap!!!!

Joined: 05/02/02
Posts: 52

I guess I have a little to catch up on. Tuesday night Bryan finally got home from work at 9:30 pm. Yeah, that was his "early night" to spend with his family. Gabriella was in bed by 8:00. I guess he forgets that some of his family has early bed time. Justin waited up for him. He always does. As soon as Bryan came in he went upstairs and got showered, then had nerve to ask me what's for dinner. I told him to have fun making himself something. If he's not going to come home for dinner, I'm not going to fix him dinner. Period. I'm not his mother. He took his shower and as soon as he came down I went upstairs. I took a long hot shower and then I climbed into bed and went to sleep. I have no idea what time Justin and Bryan went to sleep. And quite frankly, I don't care. Bryan's a big boy. He can handle it.

Yesterday was a crazy day. Gabriella had her well baby check up. She weighs 23 1/2 pounds and was 30 1/2 inches tall. She's in the 55th percentile for her weight and the 45th percentile for her height. She has a big noggin. I forget what her head measured, but it was in the 95th percentile! But her head was always like that. It's very consistant. My kids always have big heads. They get that from their father.

The doc said she's doing great developmentally when it comes to her walking and running and climbing. She's doing great with her gross and fine motor skills. His only concern is her language development. She can only say two words (dada and hi) but she's supposed to say three words by this age (dada, mama, and one other word). He wanted to refer me to early intervention, but I had to remind him that Gabriella was a 32 week preemie so technically she is not 16 months old she is only 14 months old. He agreed that with that in mind she is not behind. He wants to give her two more months to see if she picks up any more words. If she doesn't then he will send us to early intervention. If she picks up another word in that time frame then she'll be right on track. I'm not worried at all. Justin was born at full term, and he only said dada and nana (for bananas) until he was 23 months old! The he FINALLY said mama. Soon after that he said pop-pop and then Shell-Shell (for his Aunt Michele). A few months went by before he picked up any more words and now we can't get him to shut up. So I'm not worried at all. My kids are just slow talkers.

Gabriella also got her measles vaccine yesterday. Now we have to change plans for the next 6 weeks because my Aunt is undergoing chemotherapy and we have been told to keep Gab away from my Aunt for the next 6 weeks. My Aunt's life has already been turned upside down with breast cancer, chemotherapy, losing her hair, and the other side effects of the chemo. The last thing I want for her is to have to skip family functions, holidays and special get togethers now because of this. So for Mother's Day Bryan will stay home with Gabriella and Justin and I will go to my dad's house for dinner with all of my Aunts, my grandmom, my cousins, my parents, my sisters and all of their families. Bryan will take Gabriella and go see his mom and dad. At least I won't have to see them. I'm still pissed that man took my coupon for my free milk!

Hopefully I will be feeling better by Sunday too. The kids have had colds the past few days and now today I'm getting it. It was only a matter of time. All I do is wipe their snotty noses. I knew it was going to happen. I hate having cold. But compared to what my Aunt is going through, I shouldn't complain.

Joined: 05/02/02
Posts: 52

My Mother's Day wish:

I don't need material things to make me happy. I've been getting by just fine without them. I never have needed any of that stuff. I'm a very simple person. I always have been. All I want is to be recognized for the hard work that I do as a stay at home mom, and appreciated for all of the hard work that I do. My job never ends. I can't leave the stress at the office like I use to be able to do when I was a Corporate Recruiter. I work morning, noon and night. I take care of my kids, my home, and my husband. I am the last person to be taken care of. I am the last one to eat dinner. I am the last one to go to bed at night. I am the first one to wake up in the morning. When we are running low on food (Bryan doesn't even know this) I'm the one who skips breakfast and lunch so that the rest of them can eat something. I'm so busy all day long I don't even get a shower every day, and when I do it's usually 11:30 pm when everyone else is sleeping. I am the one who gets up in the middle of the night when one of the kids need something. I'm the one who handles it all. And I am the one who also is the first to get insulted because I don't do things fast enough, good enough, or (according to my father in law) I'm not supportive enough to my husband. I don't believe any of that's true. And I don't believe my husband or my children feel any of that is true either. But still....I don't get appreciated or recognized for any of the work that I do. I don't make the money, therefore I have no value to this family. That's how they see me. Yet if I wasn't here they would be forking out big bucks to have the kids in day care and to have someone here cleaning the house and to have a personal chef cooking all of the meals and doing all of the shopping. Yet, I have no value. Yeah, okay.

So for this Mother's Day I want my husband to save his money (not that he would remember or even think to buy me anything anyway) and just tell me that he recognizes that I am an important person in this family. I want him to understand all that I do and appreciate all that I do. I want him to tell me this and mean it. It's a simple wish, and a cheap wish. I hope and pray that I get it. It would mean so much to me, and I think it would do my heart some good.

Joined: 05/02/02
Posts: 52

I think Mother's Day should come more then once a year. I can't believe my one and only day is over already. Bryan did remember me. He bought me a beautiful card (two actually) from him, and then one each from the kids. When the kids got up he got up with them and let me stay in bed and take my time getting up. Then he came upstairs with the kids to jump on the bed and see me and wish me a Happy Mother's Day. While they loved me all up, he cleaned the bathroom. It was wonderful! There is nothing better then the smell of clorox bleach. I loved it!!!! Then Bry and the kids went back downstairs and I took a nice long hot shower by myself in my nice clean bathroom....and I even had time to shave my legs. It was so wonderful. The small joys in life. When I was done in the shower I came out to find Bryan had made me breakfast and it was sitting on the bed waiting for me; scrambled eggs, toast, strawberries and a cup of coffee. Heavenly.

I must say he did a nice job making me feel good. Of course when I was done eating I had to do a few loads of laundry and then fold some clothes, but that's just because if I didn't do it right then it would be double the work today. So the four of us spent some time together in the morning up until about 1:30. Then me and Justin left for my dad's, Bryan and Gabriella stayed home. It sucked not being with them. It really sucks that Gabriella has to stay away from my Aunt for 6 weeks because of the immunization she just got and my Aunts chemo. My Aunt still felt really bad about it, but I tried to assure her that it was okay. Gabriella went down for a nap when we left and Bryan was able to get a shower. Then he was going to go visit his mother and the rest of his family. At least I didn't have to see them. I can't stand his parents.

My Aunt looked real good. She was wearing a cute little hat because all of her hair is just about gone. The chemo is really doing a number on her. But she doesn't look sick. Her coloring looks so good and she looks well. I told her next year we are all going to Walk for the Cure on Mother's Day, and then when we are done walking we'll go back to my mom and dads house for dinner. Cancer sucks. She has breast cancer. She was not able to feel it during a self examine. The only way this was found was with her yearly mamogram. Thank God she didn't skip it this year.

So anyway, Justin and I went to my mom and dads and Bryan and Gabby went to see his family. After my Aunt left Bryan and Gabby came over. Justin was a good boy all day. But at 6 pm he fell asleep. He was exhausted. When he woke up he threw such a tantrum. I have a very specific way of dealing with his tantrums. As long as he's screaming and crying and carrying on, he's not going to get his way. Period. And I won't talk to him when he's acting like that. He needs to take the time to calm down and then talk to me. So at home he takes the time he needs and gets it out of his system, shakes it off, calms down, and then comes and talks to me like a nice little boy. It works every time. His tantrums stop immediately. They don't go on for more then 2-3 minutes. It works for us. Well my mother thinks she knows better then me. She kept getting right in his face asking him what was wrong and asking him to talk to her. I kept telling her to back off of him because we don't talk to him while he's acting the way he was, when he calms down that's when we talk, and if she leaves him alone he'll calm down soon. She would not leave him alone, would not get out of his face, kept asking him what was wrong, telling him to talk to mom-mom, stop crying, blah blah blah. I told her over and over to knock it off and she was not listening to me at all. Total and complete disrespect. His tantrum went on for 30 minutes. Even my dad told her to shut up and leave him alone, and she wouldn't. I threw my hands up in the air and said I had enough, I just couldn't take it anymore. And she proceeded to tell me he was acting that way because his nose was bothering him. I told her I was pissed not at him but at her because she won't leave him alone. I don't blame him anymore. He needs space and she's not giving it to him. She was right in his face - get the frig away from him! So I told her the reason his nose is bohering him is because he's crying and the reason he's crying is because she's bothering him and she needs to back the hell off. She looked surprised that I said that to her. HELLO? I've been saying it for the past 30 minutes. So she asked Justin if he wanted her to leave him alone and he said YES. She finally left him alone and almost immediately his tantrum stopped and he calmed down.

I know what my son needs and I know how to handle him. Why does she think she knows better then me? She ruined my entire day with those 30 minutes of ignorance.

Oh, and earlier in the day we were talking about my husbands business and my dad has been helping him get organized. I said something like the next step is for my dad to come over and help me get back my dining room because Bryan built an office in the basement but since that got unorganized and out of control he moved everything he needs upstairs into my dining room. Now that room looks like the pits and it's the first room you see when you open my front door, so it's pretty embarrassing. He said he would come over and help him to organize all of it. Then Justin called me out of the room so I went to help him. When I came back a few seconds later I found my mom in there whispering to everyone (my Aunts, grandmom, cousins, dad). I asked her what she was whispering about and she just laughed and said nothing. Yeah right. So I started to get nasty and I asked her again and she continued to say nothing. Then my dad said we are just talking about your dining room. Yeah right. My mother tells everyone that I am a messy slob. I'm NOT, but she tells everyone that I am. I have two kids and they have a lot of toys. I pick the toys up every night and once during the day while they are napping, but for the most part, if you come over my house during the week in the middle of the day you are going to find tons of toys everywhere. That's what happens when you have kids. I have other chores to do. I can't just pick up toys all day. I have floors to sweep, dishes to do, toilets to scrub, counters to clean, laundry to do, clothes to fold, etc. My house is ALWAYS clean. The last time she was here and upstairs was in February when I was really sick. Yeah, there was lots of clothes everywhere but that's because I had been really sick and was unable to do anything. It was before she was helping me with the kids, my husband wasn't home. I could barely take care of the kids let alone do house work too. So yes, in February my house looked horrible, but I also had a horrible neurological disease which was rendering me virtually blind at the time and in the most pain I had ever experienced. Did she offer to help me at that point? No. Did she complain about and now does she tell everyone about it? Yes. If I were her I would be ashamed at myself. What kind of a mother would do that to her child. You know your child is in pain and can't even lift her head off the pillow let alone wash clothes and take care of the kids, yet you do nothing. She's disgraceful. And once the medication started working and I was able to take care of myself and the kids again, I worked my butt off to get caught up. I had no help from anyone. Not her, not Bryan, no one.

My mothers the lazy one. She's home all day long. She does watch my sisters kid, but she plops him in front of the TV. She doesn't interact with him. She has cleaning people that come to her house and clean for her. Yes, she's that lazy she won't even clean her own house! My dad does all of the cooking for holidays and special occassions. During the week she'll eat a bagel for dinner and my dad will make himself a salad for dinner. She doesn't even cook. And yet she complains about me and if something isn't perfect in my house. I have two kids whom I interact with and teach and play with. Plus I clean and straighten my entire house by myself with no help from anyone. Plus I cook my family 3 meals a day. Plus I get my kids their healthy snacks during the day. Plus I do this without my husband being around because he's gone from 5:30 am - 11:30 pm. I give them their baths by myself, I do all of the food shopping by myself (unlike my mom....my dad does the food shopping), I do everything. My husband goes to work and pays the bills. But I will soon be taking over that job too. As soon as he has some time to go over everything with me, I will be paying all of the bills. My dad works 5 days a week, and long days, plus he does everything at the house OR my mom has cleaning people to do it. All she does is sit around on the sofa playing her little hand held games while my sisters kid watches TV. Yet she insults me. Yeah, okay. That makes sense.

Why do people suck. Why do some people take great pleasure in making other people feel so bad about themselves? I have to say, she honestly ruined my Mother's Day. Bryan did good. The kids were good. Even dispite Justin's tantrum things would have been good had I had the chance to do things my way. But now, she had to butt in, insult me, do things her way, and ruin things for me. I'm just so disgusted.

I'm done with her. See if I call her again. I think not.

Joined: 05/02/02
Posts: 52

Every morning now Justin wakes up and wishes me a Happy Mother's Day. He's so sweet. Every day should be Mother's Day. God knows I devote my life to those kids. He's a good kid. Gabriella fell yesterday and bumped her chin. I tried to hug her and make her feel better but she didn't want me, she wanted Justin. She walked over to him and he gave her a great big hug and she put her head down on his chest and she just cried and cried. And he hugged her and told her it was okay and not to cry because he's here. How sweet is that! She looked up at him and he gave her a kiss on her ouchy chin, hugged her again and then wiped her tears. Then the two of them went off and played together. They are the sweetest kids a mom could ever hope for. They love each other so much. I can't believe she wanted to be comforted by her big brother, and my little 3 year old knew what she needed and just loved her. Bryan said it's because Justin sees how I am with both of them, so I guess I'm doing something right by my kids. I'm teaching them to be loving and compassionate. God, I really love those kids. They are good kids.

I haven't talked to my mom in 2 days, going on day 3. I'm okay with it. I need some space from her. I can't stand the way she tries to take over my role. She over steps her boundaries as mom-mom and tries to be the mom. I just can't have that anymore. And if I don't call her then she won't call me. That's the way it always works. Whatever. I'm far to busy with my life to worry about petty crap like that.

Bryan didn't get home from work until 9:30 last night. Last night was supposed to be his early night. His night to spend with his family. Since every other night he works from 5:30 am to 11:30 pm. So much for an early night. He actually had the nerve to ask where the baby was. HELLO? She goes to bed at 8:00, although last night she was in bed by 7:30. You want to see her, come home when you are supposed to be home on your EARLY NIGHT - 6:00!

I know he has to work hard and a lot of hours to provide for his family, especially now since money is pretty much non-existant. But to provide for your family is to do more then just provide monitarily. All he's doing is bringning home a little bit of money. He's not providing the love, comfort and emotional support that we need. But he doesn't see that, and he never will. He thinks all he needs to do is make the money and the little wife at home will do the rest. I am virtually a single parent. And when he does come home he falls right to sleep. I can't even tell you the last time we had sex. Seriously...it has been at least a month. Everyone always talks about how men have needs. Well so do women. I am ready willing and able every night, but my husband will come home from work sit down on the sofa and fall asleep. When I try to wake him up (no matter how creative I get) he's miserable and just wants to sleep. And then he wonders why I think he's having an affair sometimes. He tells me he doesn't have time to have an affair. Oh okay, that makes me feel better. "So if there was more time in your day would you have an affair?" He says he would never do that, and I use to believe him. I don't know if I do anymore. I think if an opportunity presented itself he would. It's just not normal to not have sex in over a month. It's not normal. He says he's just too tired. He works long days, blah blah blah. By the time he comes home he just wants to sleep. Exactly why I tell him to come home early at least two nights a week. That way he can actually see his kids (who he does not see at all right now) and then we can have our time together. But it will never happen. I'm losing my husband and I don't know why. I'm about to give up completely. I don't know what else to do.

Joined: 05/02/02
Posts: 52

Wow, I haven't been here in a while. I've actually been feeling pretty good the past few days. Bryan and I had a fight a few nights ago that started off bad but ended up real good. We ended up talking instead of fighting and we were up until 1 a.m. just talking. And it was like something finally clicked for us both. Well, for me at least. I have this peace about me and this all new feeling of love and respect. I can see things from his perspective. Things have not changed. We are still in the same predicament. We are still broke. We still can't even afford to fill my prescriptions ($140/month) BUT I don't hate him for it anymore. I hope this feeling does not change. I hope the animosity does not come back. A recent conversation with someone from the Catholic board has helped me kind of "find my way". I have always been a very religious person but over the past year I have strayed from the Church. Not for any other reason other then we just can't get our act together on Sundays to go to Church. So anyway, I haven't made it back to Church yet, but I have made it back to reading my favorite passages from the bible and just praying. And I feel like my prayers have finally been answered. And my prayers have not been for money, but rather to help me find my way with Bryan. To help us understand each other, respect each other, love each other, and to just find each other. We're getting there. I'm happy. For the first time in a few months I can honestly say I'm happy. I love Bryan and I think he FINALLY can understand where I am coming from. For instance, Saturday Gabriella screamed and cried all day long. ALL DAY. She had a rash all over her body. I couldn't take it another minute. I was tired and crying and just couldn't take it anymore. Bryan was sympathetic and caring and just so darn sweet. He called out of work and came home and helped me with her. And when he saw her he couldn't believe I had to deal with her like that ALL day long. It was the first time he actually cared. This time two weeks ago if this would have happened he would have said it wasn't his problem and went to work.

So anyway, things are going well between Bryan and myself for a change. Our sex life has picked up again. It was pretty much non-existant for a while there, and now we have it back again. I just really hope it keeps up.

As for me, my headaches are slowly but surely coming back. I'm going to have to adjust my medication I think. I'm not sure what's going on but I went a good few weeks without a headache at all. And Gabriella is still not right. I think she's having a reaction to the MMR Vaccine. Saturday was 10 days after her shot and the doc said it's normal, but the rash all over her body does not seem normal at all.

It has been a long day. I'm going to sleep.

Joined: 05/02/02
Posts: 52

We had a good few days and I was feeling real upbeat and positive, but now I'm depressed again. I'm happy to say that it's NOT Bryan. We are still getting along real well and things are slowly returning to normal for us. But the money situation is not changing and we are still flat broke. It's just so hard getting use to living like this, no food in the house and no money to go buy food. It sucks. I have to make up my mind fast.....my medication or food for my family. If I chose my medication I feel like I'm being selfish. Although I know if I don't take my meds and end up in the hospital I will be no good to my family and they will only suffer then too. The past few days I have not eaten breakfast or lunch. I send Bryan off to work without feeding him breakfast and without packing him a lunch. I don't have any idea if he eats or not. If he does then he buys himself food and then I will be pissed at him. Because instead of buying himself one sandwich he should be buying this family food. But I actually don't think he does buy lunch. I know he has a few commercial jobs that he works for, some of them being restaraunts. And if the right manager is working then he gets free food. So some days he gets pizza, other days he gets fried chicken, other days he gets hoagies. Not too shabby. At least someone eats. I on the other hand do not eat. No wonder why I'm so over weight. My matabolism is all screwed up from skipping meals. But I would much rather feed my kids then feed myself. I have enough fat on my body to last me a while. I drink my water every day to keep hydrated and I try to eat dinner. You would think I would be bone skinny. One would only hope. But at least my kids are eating. They get their 3 meals regardless of what is going on. And when things are looking that scarce I invite myself to my moms. She doesn't know why half the time. Or at least I didn't think she knew why. She probably does. Today she popped over with soap, tissues, paper towels, toilet paper, and cereal. She always knows somehow. So that's one less expense the next time I go shopping. But what I really need is veggies, fruit, olive oil (for my salad dressing), chicken, ground beef, ya know...stuff with substance to feed my family. Pasta with butter is just not cutting it anymore. And if I feed my kids one more grilled cheese sandwich for dinner this week I'm going to scream! Actually I can't even do that, because I have no bread. But that's another issue.

I have some things that I need to look into. I'm on the computer most of the day trying to get free stuff. I print out coupons and clip them from the paper. Now I just need to get the money to go buy the stuff. My birthday is coming up and then Bryan's soon after mine. I told my sister that if anyone asks what to get me or Bry to tell them a gift card to the Supermarket. I just want to be able to feed my family. I'm not asking for too much here.

I hate complaining. And I hate that my life has come to this. This time last year (before I knew we were in trouble) I could run to the store and get whatever I needed and not blink an eye. I was already planning my kids birthday parties (in December and January) and they were going to be big blow out parties. Little did I know they would just be coffee and cake with my parents and Bryan's parents because we couldn't afford anything more then that by that point. I was already buying Christmas presents this time last year and putting them aside. Can't even think about doing that this year. But yet I'm so dreading the Christmas season this year because there is no way I will be able to afford Justin's 4th birthday 1 week before Christmas, then Christmas for Justin and Gabby, and then Gabby's 2nd birthday 2 weeks after Christmas. How can I afford that when I can't even afford to buy my kids food right now?!

It's a time like this when Bryan and I would normally fight. But I'm not going to let that happen this time. We are NOT going to fight about this anymore. We fought about it enough. There is nothing more we can do about it. Now we need to stay strong for our kids and unite. We have been doing that recently and the kids have been better because of it. Bryan has changed his priorities. I was going to make him leave a few weeks ago. I think it finally sunk in that he was out of this family. So before it actually got to that point of him walking out the door, he snapped out of it. I'm grateful for that. I didn't want him to leave, but I didn't want to fight in front of the kids anymore. And we don't now. We don't fight at all anymore. Not the past few days anyway. And that's big for us. I hope this keeps up. Because no matter what, as long as my family is together we'll be okay. I just have to keep the faith and leave it in God's hands. There's nothing else I can do right now. Just pray that it's all okay.

Joined: 05/02/02
Posts: 52

Well, I'm blowing off a birthday party today. I feel horrible about it. My best friends son is 5. She has been planning this party for months. I haven't seen her since December. We talk every week but we just can't seem to get our acts together to get together in person. And today would have been perfect. Our kids play together so nice. An outside birthday party. How fun. But I just coudn't bring myself to go. Not sure exactly why. I blame it on several things. The fact that Gabriella was up just about all night last night and I didn't get any sleep. I don't have any money to buy her son a birthday present and I feel horrible about that. Or maybe it's just because I'm so damn depressed. I really don't know. I would love to go. But I just can't. I can't get myself up and out of this house. I just can't do it. I know this is depression but I don't know how to fix it anymore.

I do feel horrible about not being able to buy her little boy a present. She went through horribly rough times but yet she still managed to always get my kid(s) birthday gifts. Her husband (Bryan's cousin!) cheated on her when she was pregnant with her son. She loved him so much she looked the other way. He verbally abused her. He did aweful things. And then when the baby was born he left to go see his girlfriend for the weekend, telling his wife it was for the military (which he wasn't even in!). When her son was 6 months old he finally left her. And he left her high and dry. No money, all the debt, no help with anything. Nothing. She had to work full time to care for her child. Her mom had to quit her job and watch the baby full time for her. He didn't pay any child support. He didn't pay any alimony. He didn't do anything for her to help her at all. And he left her with all of the debt that HE incurred. It was aweful. She could barely breath. But yet during all of that, she still came to all of the birthday parties for the family and got kids presents. I don't know how she did it. Now, 5 years later...she's still struggling but not quite as bad. Her exhusband has not seen his son in over a year. He does send some money every 2 months or so, but not what the judge ordered him to send. She does have a wonderful man in her life and they may be getting engaged soon. Her son looks at him as his father. Things really picked up for her. But how did she do it for as long as she did. It seriously took her 4 years to get to the point she's out now. And the past year has been good. I can't even imagine 5 years of this. I can't even imagine another day of this.

Joined: 05/02/02
Posts: 52

Wow, I haven't been here forever. Things have been kind of nuts around here. They have somewhat calmed down for now. Financially things are still a mess. Bryan has not fixed anything yet. He is still not doing what he needs to be doing. Don't get me wrong, he's working his tail off 14 hour days. But he's neglecting very important aspects of his business...like paying the bills.

I'll have to come back to this later. Justin is up and miserable! UGH!

Joined: 05/02/02
Posts: 52

Ya know, sometimes I really can't stand my husband. He worked yesterday, Memorial Day, until 1:00 a.m. Was that really necessary? He said yes. I doubt it. Today he worked until 9 p.m. He comes in and starts telling me how to parent my son?! What's that all about???!!! I'm the one with these kids all day long every single freakin day. Who does he think he is strolling in at 9 p.m. and telling ME how to be a mom. ME! The one who is with these kids from the moment they wake up at 7 a.m. until Gab goes to sleep at 8:30 and Justin goes to sleep at 10:00-10:30. I'm the one who makes their breakfast, lunch and dinner. I'm the one who gives them their snacks. I'm the one who does all of the cleaning and the grocery shopping. I'm the one who changes all of the diapers. I'm the one who gives them their baths. I'm the one who plays with them inside and outside. I'm the one who disciplines them all day long. I'm the one who does everything. He wakes up and goes to work. He works all day and we don't hear from him all day long. Then he comes in at all different times. Sometimes he gets home at 7:00, other times it's 9:00, and then Monday it was 1:00 a.m. He's a landscaper!!!!!!!!!!!!! What does he need to be out that late for? Something doesn't seem right to me. I've asked him if he's cheating on me. He adamantly says no. But would he actually say yes if he WAS cheating? I just don't believe anything he says to me anymore.

And then tonight he starts to say something to me, calls my name, I look at him, he looked at me, and then said nevermind. What was he going to say? Was he going to tell me something serious? Was he going to tell me that he's having an affair? Was he going to tell me that our relationship is over? I have no idea. He does this crap all the time. And then he wonders why I'm so suspicious. Hello? Does he give me reason not to be? NO! For the past two years he totally lied to me about finances to the point of bankruptcy. I don't put anything past him anymore. I think there is a good possibility that he's cheating. And if he's not, if he's really not cheating then he's emotionally no longer committed to this marriage. He's not trying to make things right between us. He's not trying to do anything right by his family. And all I get from my sister and my family is that he's stressed trying to make his business work. I think that is a total cop-out. He's the one who let it get to this point. If it's not working then admit it, sell the company, get another job and be done with it. This is ridiculous!

Oh goody...here he comes. More fighting.

Joined: 05/02/02
Posts: 52

Oops, triple posted.

Joined: 05/02/02
Posts: 52

Oops, triple posted.

Pages