I guess I'll try this journal thing since I feel like I have no place else to go. It's so strange. I once had a "home" with lots of friends and people to "talk" to, and now everyone has moved on. The December board is now the 2001 board but it's ssssllloooowwwww. My daughter was born in January 2004 but I don't feel like I fit in there. I never did. The women are so wonderful and kind, but with Gabriella being a preemie I feel like I just don't fit. There's a preemie board, but that is also slow. Hopefully that will pick up. I'm Catholic and have been on the Catholic board a few times, but everyone there seems to know so much more then me. I'm a cradle Catholic and haven't been to church in over a year. I'm so out of touch with everything.
So that brings me to a journal. I fit no where else except with myself, so here I am, with myself.
Things between me and Bryan have been rocky. We have not really been getting along too well the past several months. He does things and makes decisions about this family....my life....and does not even consult me. He has his own business but used our personal money and credit to finance his business without telling me. His business was not as successful the past two years as he anticipatated. So now we are broke. We are completely tapped out. We borrowed a ton of money from my dad and some from his dad as well. We have no food in the house, we are out of diapers, wipes, milk, toilet paper, paper towels...everything. And we have no money at all. I already emptied out both kids piggy banks to buy milk for them last week. I've ravaged old purses looking for spare change. It's so pathetic. I never thought I would ever live like this. I am so angry at Bryan for doing this to us. For putting us in this situation because of his stupid business. We are in the process of filing for bankruptcy. That in itself is embarrassing. But he maxed out every credit card we owned buying business materials and getting cash advances to pay his employees. So bankruptcy is our only hope at this point.
In the mean time it doesn't help with what's going on. I am so angry at him and I'm having a hard time forgiving him and trusting him. He got another job to work on top of working his own business. At least we can get medical benefits through his new job. We'll only pay $300 a month compared to $1050 a month. That will help. But now with him working two jobs it's super hard on the kids because they never see him, and Justin is acting out big time. He's very hard to control these days. I don't blame him. There is a lot of hostility in this house and he misses his dad.
Things have to look up sooner or later, right? They have to! It has been going on way too long now. I just want to stop fighting with Bryan. I want things to be the way they were before. I was happy, carefree, and always smiling. Now all I do is cry, yell, and I'm constantly stressed out. I just can't take another minute of it. It has to stop soon. Things HAVE to get better.