So, I gave birth 6 days ago to my fourth special little man, Ashton Spencer. It all seems a bit surreal to be honest. I can't believe he's finally here after months and months of pain and worrying. I can't believe that despite all my body issues and my dislike of the whole breastfeeding thing, that I am really enjoying breastfeeding for the first time ever. I can't believe I have broken so many of my parenting rules either... No dummies, no co-sleeping, no carrying baby around all day, no breastfeeding and no resting up has been my past experience of post-birth periods.
Ashton is doing well. He has a bit of jaundice but nothing horrendous. His cord came off yesterday at 5days old which I thought was a bit early but the midwife says it all looks fine. He's breastfeeding like a pro and sleeping really well!
I have to admit that I loved my home water birth experience. It's something I'd love to repeat next time, but I felt really unsupported afterwards. Unfortunately for me, that has smeared the whole experience... And yet, having seen the way the kids and house have been handled whilst I've point blank refused to do more then I feel able too has scared me too much into going into a hospital next time. So I feel really trapped for next time and as a result am not that over anxious to have more children at the moment.
It wasn't so much the fact that things weren't done, it's the fact that I wasn't physically or emotionally looked after during the first crucial days after I'd had Ashton. A few hours after I'd given birth and everyone had left, I staggered to the bathroom to have a bath and despite telling Martin on my way up and yelling for over an hour because I was stuck, unable to move from the pain, in cold, bloody water, with no towels or maternity products or clothes - he didn't come to help me. Something I will probably never forget as it was so horrible. Then there was the fact that he complained everytime I asked for a drink, or even better forgot to bring me one when he'd said he would. And the fact I am barely getting one meal a day because he can't be bothered to feed any of us as it's too much hassle.
Then there was the constant bullying remarks he made the first few days. The fact he made it blatantly obvious that the only reason he supported my homebirth was so that his family could be involved and it had nothing to do with what was best for me, the baby, or the kids. The constant comments about how lazy and selfish I am or was being about the whole post-birth couple of days...
It's been so horrible I can't even bring myself to focus on how wonderful my birth experience was... But that's OK. Because I look at Ashton, a baby I never believed I could love in the slightest, and my heart sings for him.
The boys have taken really well to him as well. Although Raistlin's nose is a bit out of joint and he's being a bit off with me at the moment, but I'm sure he'll be OK in a couple of days time. It's not the "baybee" he's upset by, it's me he's avoiding... But then he's been the baby of the house his whole life (and very spoilt at that!) so I suppose it's a bit of a shock to see me with another baby.
I'm feeling a bit unsettled at the moment I must admit. Emotionally, I feel great. None of the horrible blackness that took over me after I had JJ and Raistlin has been present this time... But everything is suddenly changing and I don't really want it too.
For instance it's now only just over 3 days before Tristan and JJ abandon me for school. I really have very strong reservations about the wisdom of this whole school thing, but how could I say no when they asked to go??? I couldn't, could I? What if they had have looked back at being home schooled and said "yeah it was OK, but I wanted to go to school and SHE stopped me"... So yeah. Come the 4th of Jan my two little men are heading off for their first days of school and I am not looking forward to it. JJ goes for half the day, and on the first day I have to go with him apparently. And Tristan starts right in at the deep end on full days.
It's Tristan I'm worried about. He's such a deep, meaningful, soft child and school will ruin him I'm sure of it. I keep aving nightmares about him being bullied, or not coping with a sudden regime which he has to stick too... I'm terrified his personality will change beyond repair and he won't be Tristan anymore... I'm almost hoping he goes for the first week and hates it so much that he begs me not to send him back... How awful is that??? His own Mother, hoping that he has such a horrible time he begs never to go back. Sick. And yet it's how I feel all the same. The minute I sense the slightest problem my boys will be pulled so quick out of school you'll see the smoke coming from the back of their heels!!!
Jaeven I'm not too worried about. He's only going for half days, afternoons really, so he'll have plenty of time to get used to it. And his personality is such that if the school doesn't have a bullying problem now, then just wait until JJ gets stuck in there! I'm only joking. He's not a bully at all, but he won't be pushed around by anybody so I really have nothing at all to worry about with Jaeven.
I guess it's all just everything changing... And post pregnancy hormones going haywire. I'm just not feeling very comfortable right now with my life. I suppose it's the cushy factor that's going. The constant holidays we took, will no longer be a possibility. The days out we went on, we won't be able to do. The meals out, the freedom to do as we please... Everything is now going to change and be governed by what the bloody education department says we can or can't do.
My life has suddenly become complicated and worse then that I feel like I'm going through it all alone cos God Forbid I should say anything to Martin about it... He's got his own private pity parties blazing at the moment. Every day there's a new tantrum from him or something that's horribly wrong... So I've given up. I'll just speak to myself about my problems and do as I'm supposed to do to be a good wife.
Anyway, I have rambled more then enough and we're getting Thai take-away tonight and I'm taking up the phone line, so I'd best be off for now!