So, I gave birth 6 days ago to my fourth special little man, Ashton Spencer. It all seems a bit surreal to be honest. I can't believe he's finally here after months and months of pain and worrying. I can't believe that despite all my body issues and my dislike of the whole breastfeeding thing, that I am really enjoying breastfeeding for the first time ever. I can't believe I have broken so many of my parenting rules either... No dummies, no co-sleeping, no carrying baby around all day, no breastfeeding and no resting up has been my past experience of post-birth periods.
Ashton is doing well. He has a bit of jaundice but nothing horrendous. His cord came off yesterday at 5days old which I thought was a bit early but the midwife says it all looks fine. He's breastfeeding like a pro and sleeping really well!
I have to admit that I loved my home water birth experience. It's something I'd love to repeat next time, but I felt really unsupported afterwards. Unfortunately for me, that has smeared the whole experience... And yet, having seen the way the kids and house have been handled whilst I've point blank refused to do more then I feel able too has scared me too much into going into a hospital next time. So I feel really trapped for next time and as a result am not that over anxious to have more children at the moment.
It wasn't so much the fact that things weren't done, it's the fact that I wasn't physically or emotionally looked after during the first crucial days after I'd had Ashton. A few hours after I'd given birth and everyone had left, I staggered to the bathroom to have a bath and despite telling Martin on my way up and yelling for over an hour because I was stuck, unable to move from the pain, in cold, bloody water, with no towels or maternity products or clothes - he didn't come to help me. Something I will probably never forget as it was so horrible. Then there was the fact that he complained everytime I asked for a drink, or even better forgot to bring me one when he'd said he would. And the fact I am barely getting one meal a day because he can't be bothered to feed any of us as it's too much hassle.
Then there was the constant bullying remarks he made the first few days. The fact he made it blatantly obvious that the only reason he supported my homebirth was so that his family could be involved and it had nothing to do with what was best for me, the baby, or the kids. The constant comments about how lazy and selfish I am or was being about the whole post-birth couple of days...
It's been so horrible I can't even bring myself to focus on how wonderful my birth experience was... But that's OK. Because I look at Ashton, a baby I never believed I could love in the slightest, and my heart sings for him.
The boys have taken really well to him as well. Although Raistlin's nose is a bit out of joint and he's being a bit off with me at the moment, but I'm sure he'll be OK in a couple of days time. It's not the "baybee" he's upset by, it's me he's avoiding... But then he's been the baby of the house his whole life (and very spoilt at that!) so I suppose it's a bit of a shock to see me with another baby.
I'm feeling a bit unsettled at the moment I must admit. Emotionally, I feel great. None of the horrible blackness that took over me after I had JJ and Raistlin has been present this time... But everything is suddenly changing and I don't really want it too.
For instance it's now only just over 3 days before Tristan and JJ abandon me for school. I really have very strong reservations about the wisdom of this whole school thing, but how could I say no when they asked to go??? I couldn't, could I? What if they had have looked back at being home schooled and said "yeah it was OK, but I wanted to go to school and SHE stopped me"... So yeah. Come the 4th of Jan my two little men are heading off for their first days of school and I am not looking forward to it. JJ goes for half the day, and on the first day I have to go with him apparently. And Tristan starts right in at the deep end on full days.
It's Tristan I'm worried about. He's such a deep, meaningful, soft child and school will ruin him I'm sure of it. I keep aving nightmares about him being bullied, or not coping with a sudden regime which he has to stick too... I'm terrified his personality will change beyond repair and he won't be Tristan anymore... I'm almost hoping he goes for the first week and hates it so much that he begs me not to send him back... How awful is that??? His own Mother, hoping that he has such a horrible time he begs never to go back. Sick. And yet it's how I feel all the same. The minute I sense the slightest problem my boys will be pulled so quick out of school you'll see the smoke coming from the back of their heels!!!
Jaeven I'm not too worried about. He's only going for half days, afternoons really, so he'll have plenty of time to get used to it. And his personality is such that if the school doesn't have a bullying problem now, then just wait until JJ gets stuck in there! I'm only joking. He's not a bully at all, but he won't be pushed around by anybody so I really have nothing at all to worry about with Jaeven.
I guess it's all just everything changing... And post pregnancy hormones going haywire. I'm just not feeling very comfortable right now with my life. I suppose it's the cushy factor that's going. The constant holidays we took, will no longer be a possibility. The days out we went on, we won't be able to do. The meals out, the freedom to do as we please... Everything is now going to change and be governed by what the bloody education department says we can or can't do.
My life has suddenly become complicated and worse then that I feel like I'm going through it all alone cos God Forbid I should say anything to Martin about it... He's got his own private pity parties blazing at the moment. Every day there's a new tantrum from him or something that's horribly wrong... So I've given up. I'll just speak to myself about my problems and do as I'm supposed to do to be a good wife.
Anyway, I have rambled more then enough and we're getting Thai take-away tonight and I'm taking up the phone line, so I'd best be off for now!
We decided since it was the last real day "off" we'd have for awhile, what with the boys starting school tomorrow and various things going on today, we'd go out and actually do something. So we got the boys ready, picked Rachell up (since Martin had said she could come over) and headed off to Whipsnade Zoo and spent the day there... The boys really enjoyed themselves and we all had a great time.
Ashton is still doing really well. We have got breastfeeding down to a fine art now I reckon! Oh, and he rolled onto his stomach the night before last!!! I thought it was too early to be rolling, he was only 6 days old, but I went to sleep with him on his back and woke up with him on his stomach. He doesn't really sleep on his back anyway, preferring his side, but we always put him down on his back and figure if he moves into a different position then it's obviousely what he wants.
Today the midwife came to visit us. He's still got a touch of jaundice and she took a swab from me incase I have an infection as I have not been feeling well at all the last few days. Personally I think it's just exhaustion as Ashton is day/night confused... He's been sleeping all day and waking all night. Although saying that he's been awake all morning now and it's almost midday!
Today is going to be hectic. Rachell stayed over in the guest room last night and Martin is just dropping her off at the cinema to meet her friend... I have to admit it's the first time I've ever seen a 13 year old spend ALL morning getting ready... Blimey! For me it's just throw clothes on, brush hair and out..!!! hehehe
We have to get the boys hair cuts done today. They start the dreaded school tomorrow. I am both dreading it and looking forward to it. I'm looking forward to a bit of time out from them, but am dreading it because I'm worried they'll suffer the way I did when I went to school. Tristan even has some homework he has to do ready for tomorrow and we have some forms to fill in for them both on their personalities.
So, plan for today is to get the kids hair cuts over and done with, rest up some, get their school clothes ready, find them water bottles (the school insists that all children have a water bottle so they can freely drink to prevent dehydration), get their homework and forms done, baths and erm... I think that's it!
Anyway, I better be off as Martin has just got back from dropping off Rach and I think he's going to go next door and ask our neighbour if she can do the boys hair for us to save us having to go out... I suspect she'll be busy as it's very short notice, but you never know!
Woohoo!!! We've finally got broadband sorted at our new house!!! It only took 5 and a half bloody weeks.
Yesterday wasn't as bad as I thought it might have been... We all drove Tristan to school in the morning and I took him to his class. He was very quiet the whole way there but when we asked him if he was excited he said he was although I suspect he was very nervous too by the way he was acting.
We got to his classroom and found his coatpeg and hung his coat up and his PE bag then I took him into his classroom because we weren't sure what to do with his bookbag. His teacher came up and got down to his level and asked how he was doing and if his little brother had been born yet. He wouldn't really talk to her at all, so she asked him if he wanted to meet some of the other children and took his hand and took him round the class and introduced him to a few of the other children before asking him if he wanted to sit down with one of them and do a number puzzle, which he did... And after that he didn't even notice that I wasn't there anymore. I was standing in the cloakroom where I could see him and was chatting to the Teaching Assistant and telling her a bit about him as they don't know anything about him... Then I decided to leave without telling him as I thought if I went back in and said goodbye, not only was I on the verge of crying (although thankfully I didn't!) but I thought it might upset him.
After that we went to the hospital to get Ashton's baby photo's taken so they can go in the Citizen. Well, I say we, it was actually just me and Ashton that went... Martin took JJ and Raistlin and went to Tesco's for a few bits and bobs whilst we were waiting.
In the afternoon we got JJ some lunch and got him dressed in his school uniform and just I went with him, as we had to be at his class for 2pm until 3pm. We got to the school and it turned out that they'd told us the wrong thing and that yesterday was just an Introduction to the classroom and he wouldn't actually be starting until Monday. There were probably only about 5 kids and their parents in all and JJ was the only one in uniform... Although to be honest even if I'd known they could wear their normal clothes I'd have still made him wear the uniform (not that I had to make him - he pointed out to me that you can't go to school if you don't wear your uniform!) so as not to confuse him when he did start.
I have to admit I was shocked and thought it was all pretty pointless. It doesn't seem to be a learning environment, just playtime from what I saw yesterday and the kids, although nice, seemed a bit thick for what I'd expect 3 year olds to be like... Jaeven didn't speak to any of them, but I didn't really think he would and although they all seemed friendly they didn't really seem to be Jaeven's "type" as he's quite "indepth" about things and thinks things through too much.
When it got to 3pm we got our coats on and headed round to Tristan's class to pick him up... He still seemed happy, very pleased to see us which was great, and he said he had a good day and was looking forward to tomorrow. So I was really pleased as I thought he'd hate school and it seems he really enjoyed it even though he was upset because he didn't get to do any painting, although he did get to use the computer which sort of made up for it all!
Martin dropped him off at school this morning as I had the midwife coming over, and apparently Tristan's teacher was saying that she was really surprised as normally kids have some trouble adjusting to the school environment, even when they're used to being in a Nursery... And apparently Tristan just jumped straight in and got on with things quietly and didn't seem to get confused by any of it. I think Tristan was slightly put out this morning when he got to school and found out they wouldn't be doing painting today either, but that's probably going to be OK as I believe they're doing modelling of some sort instead!
Today has been good too... The midwife came over and took my blood as she suspects I may be anemic as I haven't been feeling very well since giving birth. She didn't have the results back from the swab they took the other day, so despite the fact I am now over the 10days and should not be getting care from the midwives she is coming back on Sunday to check how I am and see if the swab results are back. She also weighed Ashton and it turns out he's only down to 7lbs 8oz from 7lbs 9oz, which is really good considering he's a breastfed baby and they normally lose a fair amount of weight!
I don't know what else will be going on today, not alot I suspect... Got to pick Tristan up at 3pm, and then we have to go and pick up Ashton's photo's that were taken yesterday, but that's it for chores we have to do today...
Tomorrow is pretty empty too I think. Got to do the school run, got the Health Visitor coming over at 10:30am but other then that I'm not aware of anything else that needs doing. Oh, we may be going for a meal tomorrow night, although we'll be taking Ashton with us as he's too young to leave for more then an hour and we've got a £50 voucher for this restaurant, which I got because I complained about our Fathers Day meal, which was bloody awful... Anyway, tomorrow or Saturday are our last opportunities to use them so we have to do it really, would be a shame to waste £50s worth of food and drink!
I just had the Health Visitor over to see Ashton... All is well it seems. To be honest it seemed like a bit of a waste of time really as she didn't do anything much except fill in a bit of family history in the red book I will almost certainely lose anyway!
Today has been quiet... We took the Christmas tree out (yes I know we're a day late!)... Personally I could have cheered when the damn thing went outside!!! LOL Bah bloody humbug! This last Christmas was ****e anyway so I'm glad it's all now over!
Martin took Tristan to school again today... He's really enjoying himself I think! He says he likes it at any rate and I can only go on what he says and what I think he feels. Yesterday he bought home a drawing on a green monster he'd done, he also got a smiley face sticker for being so good! So proud of my little man! He was really hoping he could do painting today so I hope he gets to do some finally as I know he's been disappointed the last couple of days...
Martin and I are hopefully going out for a meal tonight... I'm getting my hair done in just over an hour which will be great... Now I've just got to find something I can wear!
Martin's eczema is playing up again. It's on his face, hands, arms and legs at the moment and playing him up something rotten. He didn't sleep much last night at all and just lay in bed with a towel to his face. I know I shouldn't feel sorry for him cos he's been such a git too me recently, but I do feel bad for him. It must be horrible.
I am getting rather upset now. I applied for a course at MK College, which is supposed to start on Jan 24th and haven't heard anything back yet... I don't think I'm going too either at this rate cos it's only a couple of weeks away. I really hope they're just being slow and will get back intouch with me shortly but I'm beginning to doubt it now.
Anyway, I suppose I'd better be off and get ready for stuff...
Ow, ow, ow, ow ow... My boobs hurt so much. It feels like I'm feeding razor blades rather then milk through them and really hurts to feed little Ashton right now.
I'm in so much pain I'm worried that tonight I may just give in to formula and quit breastfeeding altogether. I really don't want to do that but right now I hate feeding my baby so much I actually let him cry until he fell asleep earlier because I couldn't stand the thought of him latching on and sucking away at me. Then I felt so guilty that I woke him up and fed him from both breasts until he was sick. Won't do that again!!!
I'm desperate for the pain to go away... I don't know what to do... Maybe I could just express by hand for tonight and feed via a bottle for tonight and then speak to my midwife who is coming tomorrow morning??? Or maybe I should just swallow it and put up with the pain??? I'm so confused...
I've spent all day in bed with no top on as I couldn't stand the thought of putting any pressure on my boobs except for a towel to soak up the leaking.
Last night our meal was really nice. We got a table straight away, had a glass of wine with our meals... The food was the best I've tasted in a long, long time too! I had spicy crab cakes for starter, duck in a rosemary and orange jus for a main course and belgian waffles with banana and chocolate sauce for dessert... By the time we got to dessert we were both so stuffed full we could barely walk!
Ashton really stole the show for the evening too... We had half the staff coming to the table to see him and talk about him, then the customers on the surrounding tables kept coming over to see him. I don't think people have cooed over any of our boys as much as they slobbered over Ashton last night!!! Little tart that he is! He was so good too... He was awake throughout the whole meal and just sat there quietly looking around and watching the world go by! Cute baby!!!!
Anyway, I am going to go and try and do something (not sure what) to ease the pain... And lie and wait for tomorrow to come so I can hopefully get some meds or advice on how to make it go away!!!!
Ok, so a lot has happened in such a short time since my last post. Lots of weird emotions and problems and fixing of aforementioned problems etc etc etc....
So my midwife came on the Sunday, took one look at Ashton who had his mouth opened and immediately recognised the thrush. She then examined my boobs and said it didn't look like it was on the nipples but because of the pain I'd need to see the Dr to get something for it. She then discharged me from the midwives care...
I mean I know I fought them tooth and nail all through my pregnancy with Ashton but I still really like the NHS midwives around here, especially the team that I am allocated too... I was really sad to think that I wouldn't be seeing them for a few years again now.
Anyway, it wasn't a good visit. Apparently not only do both me and Ashton have a bad case of thrush, but my swab came back saying I have Group B Strep too, which the midwife immediately informed me would mean that there would be no more homebirths and future births would probably involve not only planned induction, but being hooked to IV Antibiotics. And if the labours followed my previous labours and were very fast then baby would be whisked away to SCBU for IV Antibiotics. To say I was horrified and devestated would be the understatement of the century. I spent all day crying, researching, checking with people who'd had B Strep and worrying about any effects it might have on Ashton seeing as he didn't recieve these hugely important IV Antibiotics....
Yesterday was Monday and Martin phoned and got me an emergency appointment with the Dr for that afternoon... Jaeven also started school at 12:30pm... Bless him, he didn't cry at all but he was obviousely upset that this time I was going to be leaving him, his little chin creased and everything. I was really surprised because I thought Tristan would be the upset one and JJ would barely notice a change and it was the other way around definately.
If I'm honest I'm having a really hard time with them going to school now. They obviousely really enjoy it, they do nothing but talk about it and ask when they can go back, which is great - I'm happy if they're happy.... But I can't stand dropping them off to school, I end up crying every single time because they look so small and vulnerable. And I don't know what to do... Do I hug them and say goodbye? Or will that cause them to be bullied? And if so, do I then just walk away as though I don't care instead?
Don't get me wrong I don't stand there blubbing. I don't cry in front of them, I wait till I get home and lock myself in the bathroom for awhile... I don't want them to know that their going to school really upsets and confuses me this much because they enjoy it so much, especially Tristan who's teacher tells us everyday how fantastically he's doing and how bright he is and so on...
Anyway, the Drs appointment was pointless. He gave me a cream for my nipples, despite me saying that there was nothing wrong with them, the problem feels like it's inside my breasts, not on the outside. He gave me some drops for Ashton and then he gave me antibiotics for the B Strep I was told I have.
Anyway, whilst I was waiting for my Dr to call me through, Jill, my midwife came out to collect her next patient and spotted me and asked me to knock on her door after I'd finished with the Dr and see her. So I did, and she had a look at Ashton, congratulated me profusely on my homebirth and explained why she'd been so hesitant for me to have it and that I was the first person she'd said no too on the homebirth front. She then, without prompting or comment from us then said that she knew I'd been marked up as having B Strep and that normally they wouldn't let women have a homebirth with B Strep, but that she knew a way around this problem and next time I'd be able to have a homebirth after all and she would support me although she would ask that I take tests at various points in the pregnancy just to check to see if I really did have B Strep at that time rather then going on a test I've had done now!
I am so pleased by this I could jump and shout and start TTC right now!!!! :P hehehehehe
Today has been another good day because I saw my physio and it appears I will NOT be needing an operation to pin my bones together and although I will have SPD badly in my next pregnancy there are things I can do NOW that will help maybe ease the pain and damage it does! So I am going to do those religiousely!!!!
So in summary it looks like things will not be the problem I was led to believe they might be in my next pregnancy!!!
LOL Apparently I was the talk of the midwives here for awhile... One in the run up to my homebirth and the fact that only one or two midwives thought I should be encouraged whilst the rest thought it was too high a risk and then after my homebirth because of the way it went and how "well" I did! My midwife's team are already placing bets on when they'll be seeing me next!!! LOL
She looked at me and said "so, 1-2 years then?" and I replied "no, think more 3-4 at least, probably 4-5!" and she just laughed and said "yeah right, we'll see you back before then! I swear you're stalking me aren't you?!"
What can I say?! If I can't BE a midwife, I'm going to hassle them into early retirement I reckon!!! hehehehe
That reminds me, I'm upset with the local college. Still heard nothing on that Access course I want to do. It bloody starts on the 24th Jan and I'll need to find £500 to pay for it if I do get a place so I really, REALLY need to know ASAP about it.
I might pop down there later on today if I get a moment to do so... I've emailed them and had no response, so I'll go in and ask about it instead now.
Ho-hum... I guess I'd better go. Martin has taken the Grand Voyager down for another MOT because it failed it's last one on a couple of licence plate lights. Hopefully this time it'll pass as he's off on a business trip tomorrow to Cardiff, so I am home alone and need to do things like the school run etc etc...
Why is everyone around me either ill or grumpy???!!!
Ashton and Tristan both have colds and are sniffling and having problems with breathing. I sent Tristan to school today despite the cold as I didn't know how ill constituted time off from school... And knowing how Tristan's cold normally go, he'll only get worse and worse over the next couple of days so if not tomorrow then probably Friday he'll need to stay home... Although hopefully he'll manage until the weekend.
Martin was a grumpy sod too... He didn't bother setting an alarm this morning despite needing to leave for Cardiff at around 5am. So he woke up at gone 7am, had a real hissy fit, swearing and shouting at me as if it's my fault he didn't bother to set an alarm and wasn't ready, woke all the kids up, and then breezed out the front door leaving me to sort out the mess he'd made of the boys morning that I had planned.
We dropped Tristan off at school and then went round to my Mums, which made things a little better as I was panicking about coping completely alone, doing school runs with four kids for the first time. So we went to my Mums and had a relaxed morning before dropping Jaeven off for school. Then me and three of the Mums stodd around for about half an hour chatting about our children before coming home.
Feels like I've barely been home 5 minutes and now I have to go and get ready to pick the boys up.... I really hate this school run. It'll be so much better come September when Jaeven starts going full time. Well, it'll be better for a little while because Raistlin is due to start Easter 2007 so we'll have a few months of easy runs!!!
I'm not sure how I'm going to do this evening... I've got four kids, to get home, get ready for tomorrow's school, feed and put to bed all by myself because Martin won't be home until very late tonight. Fun, fun, fun!
I am so tired and fed up.... I can't even think straight. Ashton actually slept OK last night I suppose, he wasn't quite as bad as he has been the last few nights, but still I'm exhausted.
Raistlin is playing up like nobodies business and Jaeven is hassling me. Thankfully Ashton has decided to sleep after his restless night and Tristan is at school.
I'm going to have to drop JJ at school today as well rather then sitting in and resting because one of the other Mums invited us over for a playdate and I guess I'll need to speak to her to work out what's happening... To be honest I'm so exhausted I don't really want to go... I might just send Martin with my apologies and ask her and her little boy if she fancies coming to us sometime next week instead. I don't know if that would offend her though? I don't even know her name!!!
Argh, today is such a mess. I just want to crawl back into bed and sleep all day.
OMG! How exciting!!! MK College have spaces on their Access course that starts in 12 days!!!!
I have filled in the application form and Martin is dropping it in for me, so that is all sorted. Then it's just a question of waiting for them to get in touch with me about an interview or whatever!
Only problem is the course costs £500 and erm... We don't have it at the moment. But they did say I could pay £250 on enrollment and £250 in 3/4 months time, so maybe we might be able to find it.
I really want to do this. I've wanted to do it for the last 4+ years and something has ALWAYS stopped me, be it circumstances, lack of money, pregnancy, lack of babysitting... And now, finally, I seem to have nothing that can stop me from doing it!
It's an evening course, spanning over 35weeks, two evenings a week and will enable me to finally go to University... Whether I will study Midwifery or Nursing I'm not sure. I want to be a midwife, I always have. No matter what little things I've found to do along the way I've always ended up coming back to midwifery... But nursing seems like the sensible choice to begin with... Argh! Decisions!
We'll see... I guess we have to wait and see if I even get a place on this course first. I really hope so....
I'm really on the verge of quitting breastfeeding... It's just so difficult doing ALL the night feeds, and then there's all the possible problems that could or have occured - thrush, mastitis... And my boobs just NEVER feel like they've got anything in there. They never feel full, I've often heard people saying that they couldn't wait for the next feed because they felt so full and I don't have that at all...
I'm going to try expressing some by hand today to see what's going on and to give me a break for at least one of the night feeds tonight.... I'm beginning to feel sick with lack of sleep now.
We kept Tristan off school today. He got sent home yesterday as he was sick everywhere, so I thought considering he didn't seem any better today there was no point sending him.
Raistlin and JJ are sick too now with streaming noses and eyes... Raistlin has been a real little sod today as well, he's in such a foul mood I don't know what to do with him anymore.
Martin registered Ashton's birth today... Actually I haven't checked what he registered him as being called - probably should as could find out he's decided to change his name to something really horrible!!! LOL
We're just planning a holiday for the Easter term at the moment. Nothing hugely exciting, a caravan on a park somewhere.
Martin is being a **** again today, but nothing new there then... I swear this man must be going through the male menopause or something cos he's really pissing me off big time these days he's such a moody, grumpy git... All he does now is shout and scream at either the kids or me, or all of us - it's worse then living with a teenager, it really is.
Anyway I'd better go... He's just picking JJ up from school, although he's been gone ages... Sigh....
And I'm really hoping I will get a bath tonight as I feel, look and probably smell disgusting right now. Not helped by the fact I think I'm coming down with whatever it is the boys have too... I cancelled my weekly hair appointment today because I felt so crappy.