We've just booked a holiday for the Easter term holidays... Can't wait - I may finally get a look around York! And there's loads for the boys to do if we have enough spending money.
Had a good day yesterday too... I spent my morning tidying our bedroom which was something of a task in itself!
Oh ****ing great. Martin has just decided to bugger off down to crappy Morrisons and leave me here with all four of the kids who're ALL sick. ****ing fantastic. I say "well how long are you going to be?" and the only bloody response I get is "dunno... Maybe an hour or so..." What kind of a bloody answer is that??????
I know for sure HE wouldn't stay in with all four sick kids if the tables were turned and I wanted to bugger off somewhere for an "hour or so"... He's only getting bloody bread! How does getting bread take an "hour or so"?????????????????
Well, that's me in a bad ****ing mood now. Selfish git. Didn't even ask if there was anything I needed - which I do, I need more sanitary towels so I guess as per normal, like the breastfeeding bra I desperately need cos all I have is underwired normal bra's, I will just have to make do with the few scraps I'm thrown every now and then and pray I don't get bloody breast cancer.
I do my best to be considerate, half the time I don't even voice my real opinions on things when asked just so as not to hurt feelings - but I am really ****ing fed up of this.
Want some sodding home truths. Fine.
Christmas WAS the worst one I've ever had the misfortune of having to live through.
I was upset that of the £40 we'd set each other aside to buy gifts it was OBVIOUS you hadn't put any thought into what you'd bought me and it was OBVIOUS you'd not spent £40 on my gifts.
It PISSES ME OFF that you still haven't given me any money for a nursing bra and are letting me struggle along in a PJ top that hasn't been washed in two weeks, BUT ARE WILLING TO GIVE THE HAIRDRESSER AT LEAST £15 A WEEK SO THAT I LOOK GOOD WHEN WE VENTURE OUT THE DOOR TOGETHER.
It REALLY BUGGED me that you didn't bother to keep the house clean or look after the boys properly or feed us properly when I was ILL because I was carrying your child.
I DON'T appreciate spending New Years Eve in our bedroom alone because you've got better things to do.
I'm SICK of your whinging because you occasionally have to speak to or look at your children.
And I'm really, REALLY ****ing fed up of you constantly taking the piss out of me or putting me down in front of people. How would you like it if I pointed out that you used to throw things like chairs at innocent bystanders when we were arguing, or your kids were so scared of you being angry at one point in their lives that they cried and screamed whenever we argued, or that you used to drag and push and bully your pregnant wife even when she was holding one of your children in her arms.... Maybe I'll try that next time should I or are you going to punch something mm from my face in the hope I stay quiet?
BLOODY GROW UP AND STOP ACTING LIKE A FIVE YEAR OLD. I've had enough of this crap.
Yeah. I'm ****ing pissed off!
'scuse my language.
I'd better not write anymore, or I'll say something HE'LL live to regret.
Ok, so have calmed down a little bit now... But I really do feel very resentful. I hadn't realised just how pissed off I am at the way me and the kids have been treated the last couple of months. I really do feel very, very angry and let down and there are certain things that I will never forgive or forget because the hurt goes far too deep.
Anywho... Martin came back from the shop with a loaf of bread and then complained cos none of us wanted to eat turkey sandwiches cos the boys don't particularly like turkey and they wanted a different filling. I didn't want turkey, but I ate it anyway just for a quiet life really.
Now he's gone off down to Tesco's but thankfully he took Raistlin and Jaeven with him. I can cope much better with Tristan and Ashton and truth be told I don't see why I should be stuck at home, by myself, with all four of them on a weekend whilst he buggers off out whereever he pleases... It's not fair.
Anyway, yeah, we booked our holiday for Easter.
We were going to make up the guest bedroom today but I'm just not in the mood for it anymore so I think when Martin gets back I'll act like the selfish cow I am and go have a sleep.
I'm not sure if Tristan will be in school tomorrow... His eyes are really crusty today so if they're still the same tomorrow it's off to the Drs me thinks...
Anyway I really better be off... I'm so exhausted I can barely see straight so this has taken me ages to type up...
I can't believe my little man is 3 weeks old already...
The time has just flown by and it makes me sad to think he won't be little anymore soon.
I'm still in denial that Tristan will be 5 this year... I mean, where did that come from????? How did 5 years go by???
Both Tristan and JJ were off school sick today. JJ was streaming with cold (they all are) and Tristan's eyes are all crusty and weeping. I think he may have conjunctivitis so we've got him a Drs appointment for tomorrow.
I am so tired today... And I'm really fed up with the breastfeeding thing. I get virtually no help during the night at all now and Martin just assumes whenever Ashton cries means he's hungry so he just passes him over.
Oh! Ashton held his head up last night and was looking around!!! He was lying on my stomach and he propped himself up and had a good look around. I couldn't believe it, I don't remember the others doing this sort of thing this early....?
He's so precious but I'm so tired... I really don't know how much longer I can do the breastfeeding for. The lack of sleep is really affecting me now... I think sometime in the next couple of days I will take a breastfeeding day and just lie in bed with Ashton and do nothing but feed him and sleep. Oh, but Martin probably would just whinge about me being selfish if I did that or refuse to look after the boys... So I suppose that's out really.
OK, so yesterday was the worst day I've had for awhile. First one course off, then another course off, then everything else went wrong too and today I didn't bother getting up until 12pm-ish as there didn't seem any point.
But I AM up now... And I'm not going to let a little thing like the Access Course being full get me down. I had an "interview" at the College last night to go on the reserve list. So if anyone backs out then I might get their place. Except it wasn't really an interview more a group of people sitting round a table going over information that they should have already known - that is if they could read, speak, write or understand English or had bothered to even research what it was they were applying for.
Seriousely, I'm not being nasty but I was just about the only white person there, and one of very few who could actually speak or understand English. The rest were all from abroad and their main concern was whether or not the College would write off and get them a Visa to stay in the country...
So I was quite down last night. Being the only white person there it was kind of obvious if they only had one free place that I wouldn't get it - despite probably being the only person who could actually complete the course. I'm not saying it's racism at all, but the way this country is going who do you give a place to, to seem "fair". The white English girl who has a good family income and stable life, or the Asylum seeker who can barely speak English and obviousely only wants to get on the course to get a Student Visa to stay in the country???!
BUT this isn't going to get me down today... Because IF there are any people who don't bother to show up next Tuesday or anyone does drop out, I am determined to fill their space! So next Wednesday morning I am going to phone the college and remind them of who I am and ask about drop-outs and space. Then I'm going to be balshy for once in my life and outright ask them when I can start if there are any places! LOL
I have waited 14 years to be able to study to become a Midwife. I do not want to wait any longer just so someone who doesn't know anything about the course and isn't really interested in it can have the space I have been desperately trying to get for years.
I'd better go... I'm sure I've got some end of year paperwork to fill in for the business and send off to those wonderful people at the IR or whereever so I'd better go and get on with it before I get fined.
Just had my weekly hair appointment. It was really good and my hair feels fantastic now! I quite like getting my hair done every week as it means I don't have to try styling it myself very often, which is fabby cos I'm naff at styling my hair!
Martin is off to his parents house tomorrow. He did offer to take Ashton too if I expressed some milk for him but I just can't be arsed. The problems I'd end up having tomorrow aren't worth the break I'd get and besides I've got to start expressing ready for Tuesday next week when Martin and I are out on the razzle to celebrate his birthday!
I'm in quite a good mood today. I feel ill but I'm in quite a good mood anyway.
Not much going on here really. Tristan went back to school today, he wasn't ill enough to justify another day off really even though it is a Friday.
I'm not looking forward to next week at all... I've still really got my hopes hung up on getting a space on the Access course. I don't really believe I will, but one can hope right?!
I'm going to go now anyway cos I've not got much of interest to say and I'm desperate for a drink - feel like I'm dying of thirst recently. Blah!
My baby is 4 weeks old today.... Time flies, it really does.
It's Martin's 29th birthday tomorrow. I've got him nothing. Not because I didn't want to get him something, just because there's no money at all. We were supposed to be going out for a night on the town but I don't know if we can now that we have no money.
Martin's parents are coming over to stay the night tomorrow too.... Joy! Not that I really mind, just that the house is a complete tip thanks to not being maintained whilst I was resting before and after the birth, so now I have to try and get it spick and span by tomorrow...
The kids are driving me nuts today. I am really trying to be good with them but they've done nothing but whinge and argue from the moment they woke up at some ungodly hour to now, just as they're about to go to bed.
I am just so tired I can't cope with this week right now. My throat feels like I've swallowed broken glass today, I've got the stress of Martin's birthday and parents tomorrow, the stress of finding out if I've got a place at college or not on Wednesday plus a trip to my Physio.... Thursday and Friday I don't even want to think about right now....
Plus it looks like I've got to choose between getting rid of my lovely Tizzy or getting another dog as I am now pretty convinced that she is missing dog company and that is the reason she is weeing all over our new cream carpets... She never does it at my Mums house when she's around my Mums dog, so that's really all I can think of that would cause her to do it. I doubt Martin will even contemplate another dog, he's fed up with Tizzy as it is and would happily give her away I think....
Anyway I better go... I've got a million and one things to try and get done tonight, including building furniture, sorting out boxes of our packed belongings, tidying, hoovering and worrying about what tomorrow will be like.
I'm sick... Urgh! Not sick, sick, but my throat feels like I've swallowed glass and has done for the past week. I've got a Dentist appointment tomorrow, does that mean I have to cancel? I have no idea! Oh well!
I don't really know what to do now that I didn't get on the Access course. I'm one of those people that NEEDS to constantly be doing something and at the moment there is nothing and I have no direction at all... I'm just sort of treading water and it's driving me berserk. I feel like my brain is rotting and I'm getting dumber by the minute. I don't want to just be a SAHM I want to be involved in other things and at the moment I'm not. There's nothing else. Just cooking, cleaning, school runs, kids.... Which is all great but I still feel like my brain is rotting!!!
I've not really got much to talk about... Ashton is 5weeks old now, breastfeeding like a trooper. Actually it's driving me mad, I want to quit but I don't want to quit at the same time. It's just I feel ill, and tired and all he wants to do is feed and I rarely get a break... Argh!
I'd better be off... Got more cleaning and **** to do...
On Friday we had some bad news regarding a family member and their health... I don't really want to go into details at the moment...
We also had Tristan's first ever assembly play thingie... All the parents of the children in his class were invited along to join in morning worship with the school. The kids from Tristan's class did a story of the Three Little Pigs which was fantastic. Tristan was a little pig and did so well he barely even seemed to notice there was an audience and didn't show any nerves at all!
We made our appointments for the boys parents consultation evenings too... That's all happening next Thursday!
Saturday was my baby Raistlin's 2nd birthday... I really still can't believe he's 2! We did the living room up with special Thomas the Tank Engine decorations, and he opened his presents and we had an OK day. We went to my Mums and then went out for lunch. I think he was suffering from teething pains though as he was really moody and tired and dribbling everywhere.
Saturday night we had a fancy dress party to go too next door. That was great! We waited till the boys went to sleep then left them with my sister and just took Ashton. We both went in scrubs as surgeons, Martin was clean and I was covered in blood! We wrapped Ashton up in a towel and put a bandage round his head too.... He definately stole the show. He was the only child there and everyone loved his little "costume"! The party was really good and we popped home every hour to check Rachell was OK and the boys were still asleep.
I came home at about 2:40am in the end cos otherwise I could see it would turn into one of those all night things and seeing as Ashton had been aasleep for hours I thought I'd better try and sleep whilst I had the opportunity! LOL I have no idea what time Martin crawled his way home...
Today has been stressful... I'm really, REALLY worried about Ashton.
He's not had a bowel movement in 3 days now. He has been really lethargic and sleepy, he's barely awake. He's not interested in feeding and has so far today had two very small and short feeds all day...
I have a Drs appointment tomorrow with him, but I've really just wanted to bundle him off down the hospital all day and now I'm seriousely considering taking him.... It's almost 8pm and he's STILL asleep...
I have a really bad feeling about him. I'm really quite worried. I don't think I'm breastfeeding as well as I thought I was. He doesn't seem to be feeding very much or very often. I never have this "let down" feeling or whatever people refer to it as when the milk comes in or whatever...
I'm taking good care of myself... I went through the first few weeks surviving on scraps of food here and there but now I'm eating relatively well, staying hydrated to the best of my ability....
I just don't have a good feeling about Ashton and his eating at all.
I'd better go... I'm going to go try and wake him up... I know it won't work though he'll just go straight back to sleep if he even stirs.