Blah, Blah, Blah!

30 posts / 0 new
Last post
Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335
Blah, Blah, Blah!

So, I gave birth 6 days ago to my fourth special little man, Ashton Spencer. It all seems a bit surreal to be honest. I can't believe he's finally here after months and months of pain and worrying. I can't believe that despite all my body issues and my dislike of the whole breastfeeding thing, that I am really enjoying breastfeeding for the first time ever. I can't believe I have broken so many of my parenting rules either... No dummies, no co-sleeping, no carrying baby around all day, no breastfeeding and no resting up has been my past experience of post-birth periods.

Ashton is doing well. He has a bit of jaundice but nothing horrendous. His cord came off yesterday at 5days old which I thought was a bit early but the midwife says it all looks fine. He's breastfeeding like a pro and sleeping really well!

I have to admit that I loved my home water birth experience. It's something I'd love to repeat next time, but I felt really unsupported afterwards. Unfortunately for me, that has smeared the whole experience... And yet, having seen the way the kids and house have been handled whilst I've point blank refused to do more then I feel able too has scared me too much into going into a hospital next time. So I feel really trapped for next time and as a result am not that over anxious to have more children at the moment.

It wasn't so much the fact that things weren't done, it's the fact that I wasn't physically or emotionally looked after during the first crucial days after I'd had Ashton. A few hours after I'd given birth and everyone had left, I staggered to the bathroom to have a bath and despite telling Martin on my way up and yelling for over an hour because I was stuck, unable to move from the pain, in cold, bloody water, with no towels or maternity products or clothes - he didn't come to help me. Something I will probably never forget as it was so horrible. Then there was the fact that he complained everytime I asked for a drink, or even better forgot to bring me one when he'd said he would. And the fact I am barely getting one meal a day because he can't be bothered to feed any of us as it's too much hassle.

Then there was the constant bullying remarks he made the first few days. The fact he made it blatantly obvious that the only reason he supported my homebirth was so that his family could be involved and it had nothing to do with what was best for me, the baby, or the kids. The constant comments about how lazy and selfish I am or was being about the whole post-birth couple of days...

It's been so horrible I can't even bring myself to focus on how wonderful my birth experience was... But that's OK. Because I look at Ashton, a baby I never believed I could love in the slightest, and my heart sings for him.

The boys have taken really well to him as well. Although Raistlin's nose is a bit out of joint and he's being a bit off with me at the moment, but I'm sure he'll be OK in a couple of days time. It's not the "baybee" he's upset by, it's me he's avoiding... But then he's been the baby of the house his whole life (and very spoilt at that!) so I suppose it's a bit of a shock to see me with another baby.

I'm feeling a bit unsettled at the moment I must admit. Emotionally, I feel great. None of the horrible blackness that took over me after I had JJ and Raistlin has been present this time... But everything is suddenly changing and I don't really want it too.

For instance it's now only just over 3 days before Tristan and JJ abandon me for school. I really have very strong reservations about the wisdom of this whole school thing, but how could I say no when they asked to go??? I couldn't, could I? What if they had have looked back at being home schooled and said "yeah it was OK, but I wanted to go to school and SHE stopped me"... So yeah. Come the 4th of Jan my two little men are heading off for their first days of school and I am not looking forward to it. JJ goes for half the day, and on the first day I have to go with him apparently. And Tristan starts right in at the deep end on full days.

It's Tristan I'm worried about. He's such a deep, meaningful, soft child and school will ruin him I'm sure of it. I keep aving nightmares about him being bullied, or not coping with a sudden regime which he has to stick too... I'm terrified his personality will change beyond repair and he won't be Tristan anymore... I'm almost hoping he goes for the first week and hates it so much that he begs me not to send him back... How awful is that??? His own Mother, hoping that he has such a horrible time he begs never to go back. Sick. And yet it's how I feel all the same. The minute I sense the slightest problem my boys will be pulled so quick out of school you'll see the smoke coming from the back of their heels!!!

Jaeven I'm not too worried about. He's only going for half days, afternoons really, so he'll have plenty of time to get used to it. And his personality is such that if the school doesn't have a bullying problem now, then just wait until JJ gets stuck in there! I'm only joking. He's not a bully at all, but he won't be pushed around by anybody so I really have nothing at all to worry about with Jaeven.

I guess it's all just everything changing... And post pregnancy hormones going haywire. I'm just not feeling very comfortable right now with my life. I suppose it's the cushy factor that's going. The constant holidays we took, will no longer be a possibility. The days out we went on, we won't be able to do. The meals out, the freedom to do as we please... Everything is now going to change and be governed by what the bloody education department says we can or can't do.

My life has suddenly become complicated and worse then that I feel like I'm going through it all alone cos God Forbid I should say anything to Martin about it... He's got his own private pity parties blazing at the moment. Every day there's a new tantrum from him or something that's horribly wrong... So I've given up. I'll just speak to myself about my problems and do as I'm supposed to do to be a good wife.

Anyway, I have rambled more then enough and we're getting Thai take-away tonight and I'm taking up the phone line, so I'd best be off for now!

Love,

Sarah-Jean

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

Yesterday was fantastic!

We decided since it was the last real day "off" we'd have for awhile, what with the boys starting school tomorrow and various things going on today, we'd go out and actually do something. So we got the boys ready, picked Rachell up (since Martin had said she could come over) and headed off to Whipsnade Zoo and spent the day there... The boys really enjoyed themselves and we all had a great time.

Ashton is still doing really well. We have got breastfeeding down to a fine art now I reckon! Oh, and he rolled onto his stomach the night before last!!! I thought it was too early to be rolling, he was only 6 days old, but I went to sleep with him on his back and woke up with him on his stomach. He doesn't really sleep on his back anyway, preferring his side, but we always put him down on his back and figure if he moves into a different position then it's obviousely what he wants.

Today the midwife came to visit us. He's still got a touch of jaundice and she took a swab from me incase I have an infection as I have not been feeling well at all the last few days. Personally I think it's just exhaustion as Ashton is day/night confused... He's been sleeping all day and waking all night. Although saying that he's been awake all morning now and it's almost midday!

Today is going to be hectic. Rachell stayed over in the guest room last night and Martin is just dropping her off at the cinema to meet her friend... I have to admit it's the first time I've ever seen a 13 year old spend ALL morning getting ready... Blimey! For me it's just throw clothes on, brush hair and out..!!! hehehe

We have to get the boys hair cuts done today. They start the dreaded school tomorrow. I am both dreading it and looking forward to it. I'm looking forward to a bit of time out from them, but am dreading it because I'm worried they'll suffer the way I did when I went to school. Tristan even has some homework he has to do ready for tomorrow and we have some forms to fill in for them both on their personalities.

So, plan for today is to get the kids hair cuts over and done with, rest up some, get their school clothes ready, find them water bottles (the school insists that all children have a water bottle so they can freely drink to prevent dehydration), get their homework and forms done, baths and erm... I think that's it!

Anyway, I better be off as Martin has just got back from dropping off Rach and I think he's going to go next door and ask our neighbour if she can do the boys hair for us to save us having to go out... I suspect she'll be busy as it's very short notice, but you never know!

Love,

Sarah-Jean

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

Woohoo!!! We've finally got broadband sorted at our new house!!! It only took 5 and a half bloody weeks. :roll:

Yesterday wasn't as bad as I thought it might have been... We all drove Tristan to school in the morning and I took him to his class. He was very quiet the whole way there but when we asked him if he was excited he said he was although I suspect he was very nervous too by the way he was acting.

We got to his classroom and found his coatpeg and hung his coat up and his PE bag then I took him into his classroom because we weren't sure what to do with his bookbag. His teacher came up and got down to his level and asked how he was doing and if his little brother had been born yet. He wouldn't really talk to her at all, so she asked him if he wanted to meet some of the other children and took his hand and took him round the class and introduced him to a few of the other children before asking him if he wanted to sit down with one of them and do a number puzzle, which he did... And after that he didn't even notice that I wasn't there anymore. I was standing in the cloakroom where I could see him and was chatting to the Teaching Assistant and telling her a bit about him as they don't know anything about him... Then I decided to leave without telling him as I thought if I went back in and said goodbye, not only was I on the verge of crying (although thankfully I didn't!) but I thought it might upset him.

After that we went to the hospital to get Ashton's baby photo's taken so they can go in the Citizen. Well, I say we, it was actually just me and Ashton that went... Martin took JJ and Raistlin and went to Tesco's for a few bits and bobs whilst we were waiting.

In the afternoon we got JJ some lunch and got him dressed in his school uniform and just I went with him, as we had to be at his class for 2pm until 3pm. We got to the school and it turned out that they'd told us the wrong thing and that yesterday was just an Introduction to the classroom and he wouldn't actually be starting until Monday. There were probably only about 5 kids and their parents in all and JJ was the only one in uniform... Although to be honest even if I'd known they could wear their normal clothes I'd have still made him wear the uniform (not that I had to make him - he pointed out to me that you can't go to school if you don't wear your uniform!) so as not to confuse him when he did start.

I have to admit I was shocked and thought it was all pretty pointless. It doesn't seem to be a learning environment, just playtime from what I saw yesterday and the kids, although nice, seemed a bit thick for what I'd expect 3 year olds to be like... Jaeven didn't speak to any of them, but I didn't really think he would and although they all seemed friendly they didn't really seem to be Jaeven's "type" as he's quite "indepth" about things and thinks things through too much.

When it got to 3pm we got our coats on and headed round to Tristan's class to pick him up... He still seemed happy, very pleased to see us which was great, and he said he had a good day and was looking forward to tomorrow. So I was really pleased as I thought he'd hate school and it seems he really enjoyed it even though he was upset because he didn't get to do any painting, although he did get to use the computer which sort of made up for it all!

Martin dropped him off at school this morning as I had the midwife coming over, and apparently Tristan's teacher was saying that she was really surprised as normally kids have some trouble adjusting to the school environment, even when they're used to being in a Nursery... And apparently Tristan just jumped straight in and got on with things quietly and didn't seem to get confused by any of it. I think Tristan was slightly put out this morning when he got to school and found out they wouldn't be doing painting today either, but that's probably going to be OK as I believe they're doing modelling of some sort instead!

Today has been good too... The midwife came over and took my blood as she suspects I may be anemic as I haven't been feeling very well since giving birth. She didn't have the results back from the swab they took the other day, so despite the fact I am now over the 10days and should not be getting care from the midwives she is coming back on Sunday to check how I am and see if the swab results are back. She also weighed Ashton and it turns out he's only down to 7lbs 8oz from 7lbs 9oz, which is really good considering he's a breastfed baby and they normally lose a fair amount of weight!

I don't know what else will be going on today, not alot I suspect... Got to pick Tristan up at 3pm, and then we have to go and pick up Ashton's photo's that were taken yesterday, but that's it for chores we have to do today...

Tomorrow is pretty empty too I think. Got to do the school run, got the Health Visitor coming over at 10:30am but other then that I'm not aware of anything else that needs doing. Oh, we may be going for a meal tomorrow night, although we'll be taking Ashton with us as he's too young to leave for more then an hour and we've got a £50 voucher for this restaurant, which I got because I complained about our Fathers Day meal, which was bloody awful... Anyway, tomorrow or Saturday are our last opportunities to use them so we have to do it really, would be a shame to waste £50s worth of food and drink!

Love,

Sarah-Jean

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

I just had the Health Visitor over to see Ashton... All is well it seems. To be honest it seemed like a bit of a waste of time really as she didn't do anything much except fill in a bit of family history in the red book I will almost certainely lose anyway!

Today has been quiet... We took the Christmas tree out (yes I know we're a day late!)... Personally I could have cheered when the damn thing went outside!!! LOL Bah bloody humbug! This last Christmas was shite anyway so I'm glad it's all now over!

Martin took Tristan to school again today... He's really enjoying himself I think! He says he likes it at any rate and I can only go on what he says and what I think he feels. Yesterday he bought home a drawing on a green monster he'd done, he also got a smiley face sticker for being so good! Biggrin So proud of my little man! He was really hoping he could do painting today so I hope he gets to do some finally as I know he's been disappointed the last couple of days...

Martin and I are hopefully going out for a meal tonight... I'm getting my hair done in just over an hour which will be great... Now I've just got to find something I can wear!

Martin's eczema is playing up again. It's on his face, hands, arms and legs at the moment and playing him up something rotten. He didn't sleep much last night at all and just lay in bed with a towel to his face. I know I shouldn't feel sorry for him cos he's been such a git too me recently, but I do feel bad for him. It must be horrible.

I am getting rather upset now. I applied for a course at MK College, which is supposed to start on Jan 24th and haven't heard anything back yet... I don't think I'm going too either at this rate cos it's only a couple of weeks away. I really hope they're just being slow and will get back intouch with me shortly but I'm beginning to doubt it now. Sad

Anyway, I suppose I'd better be off and get ready for stuff...

Love,

Sarah-Jean

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

Ow, ow, ow, ow ow... My boobs hurt so much. It feels like I'm feeding razor blades rather then milk through them and really hurts to feed little Ashton right now.

I'm in so much pain I'm worried that tonight I may just give in to formula and quit breastfeeding altogether. I really don't want to do that but right now I hate feeding my baby so much I actually let him cry until he fell asleep earlier because I couldn't stand the thought of him latching on and sucking away at me. Then I felt so guilty that I woke him up and fed him from both breasts until he was sick. :-? Won't do that again!!!

I'm desperate for the pain to go away... I don't know what to do... Maybe I could just express by hand for tonight and feed via a bottle for tonight and then speak to my midwife who is coming tomorrow morning??? Or maybe I should just swallow it and put up with the pain??? I'm so confused... Sad

I've spent all day in bed with no top on as I couldn't stand the thought of putting any pressure on my boobs except for a towel to soak up the leaking.

Last night our meal was really nice. We got a table straight away, had a glass of wine with our meals... The food was the best I've tasted in a long, long time too! I had spicy crab cakes for starter, duck in a rosemary and orange jus for a main course and belgian waffles with banana and chocolate sauce for dessert... By the time we got to dessert we were both so stuffed full we could barely walk!

Ashton really stole the show for the evening too... We had half the staff coming to the table to see him and talk about him, then the customers on the surrounding tables kept coming over to see him. I don't think people have cooed over any of our boys as much as they slobbered over Ashton last night!!! Little tart that he is! He was so good too... He was awake throughout the whole meal and just sat there quietly looking around and watching the world go by! Cute baby!!!! Biggrin

Anyway, I am going to go and try and do something (not sure what) to ease the pain... And lie and wait for tomorrow to come so I can hopefully get some meds or advice on how to make it go away!!!!

Love,

Sarah-Jean

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

Ok, so a lot has happened in such a short time since my last post. Lots of weird emotions and problems and fixing of aforementioned problems etc etc etc....

So my midwife came on the Sunday, took one look at Ashton who had his mouth opened and immediately recognised the thrush. She then examined my boobs and said it didn't look like it was on the nipples but because of the pain I'd need to see the Dr to get something for it. She then discharged me from the midwives care... Sad

I mean I know I fought them tooth and nail all through my pregnancy with Ashton but I still really like the NHS midwives around here, especially the team that I am allocated too... I was really sad to think that I wouldn't be seeing them for a few years again now.

Anyway, it wasn't a good visit. Apparently not only do both me and Ashton have a bad case of thrush, but my swab came back saying I have Group B Strep too, which the midwife immediately informed me would mean that there would be no more homebirths and future births would probably involve not only planned induction, but being hooked to IV Antibiotics. And if the labours followed my previous labours and were very fast then baby would be whisked away to SCBU for IV Antibiotics. To say I was horrified and devestated would be the understatement of the century. I spent all day crying, researching, checking with people who'd had B Strep and worrying about any effects it might have on Ashton seeing as he didn't recieve these hugely important IV Antibiotics.... Sad

Yesterday was Monday and Martin phoned and got me an emergency appointment with the Dr for that afternoon... Jaeven also started school at 12:30pm... Bless him, he didn't cry at all but he was obviousely upset that this time I was going to be leaving him, his little chin creased and everything. I was really surprised because I thought Tristan would be the upset one and JJ would barely notice a change and it was the other way around definately.

If I'm honest I'm having a really hard time with them going to school now. They obviousely really enjoy it, they do nothing but talk about it and ask when they can go back, which is great - I'm happy if they're happy.... But I can't stand dropping them off to school, I end up crying every single time because they look so small and vulnerable. And I don't know what to do... Do I hug them and say goodbye? Or will that cause them to be bullied? And if so, do I then just walk away as though I don't care instead?

Don't get me wrong I don't stand there blubbing. I don't cry in front of them, I wait till I get home and lock myself in the bathroom for awhile... I don't want them to know that their going to school really upsets and confuses me this much because they enjoy it so much, especially Tristan who's teacher tells us everyday how fantastically he's doing and how bright he is and so on...

Anyway, the Drs appointment was pointless. He gave me a cream for my nipples, despite me saying that there was nothing wrong with them, the problem feels like it's inside my breasts, not on the outside. He gave me some drops for Ashton and then he gave me antibiotics for the B Strep I was told I have.

Anyway, whilst I was waiting for my Dr to call me through, Jill, my midwife came out to collect her next patient and spotted me and asked me to knock on her door after I'd finished with the Dr and see her. So I did, and she had a look at Ashton, congratulated me profusely on my homebirth and explained why she'd been so hesitant for me to have it and that I was the first person she'd said no too on the homebirth front. She then, without prompting or comment from us then said that she knew I'd been marked up as having B Strep and that normally they wouldn't let women have a homebirth with B Strep, but that she knew a way around this problem and next time I'd be able to have a homebirth after all and she would support me although she would ask that I take tests at various points in the pregnancy just to check to see if I really did have B Strep at that time rather then going on a test I've had done now!

I am so pleased by this I could jump and shout and start TTC right now!!!! Blum 3 hehehehehe

Today has been another good day because I saw my physio and it appears I will NOT be needing an operation to pin my bones together and although I will have SPD badly in my next pregnancy there are things I can do NOW that will help maybe ease the pain and damage it does! So I am going to do those religiousely!!!!

So in summary it looks like things will not be the problem I was led to believe they might be in my next pregnancy!!!

LOL Apparently I was the talk of the midwives here for awhile... One in the run up to my homebirth and the fact that only one or two midwives thought I should be encouraged whilst the rest thought it was too high a risk and then after my homebirth because of the way it went and how "well" I did! My midwife's team are already placing bets on when they'll be seeing me next!!! LOL

She looked at me and said "so, 1-2 years then?" and I replied "no, think more 3-4 at least, probably 4-5!" and she just laughed and said "yeah right, we'll see you back before then! I swear you're stalking me aren't you?!"

What can I say?! If I can't BE a midwife, I'm going to hassle them into early retirement I reckon!!! hehehehe Lol

That reminds me, I'm upset with the local college. Still heard nothing on that Access course I want to do. It bloody starts on the 24th Jan and I'll need to find £500 to pay for it if I do get a place so I really, REALLY need to know ASAP about it.

I might pop down there later on today if I get a moment to do so... I've emailed them and had no response, so I'll go in and ask about it instead now.

Ho-hum... I guess I'd better go. Martin has taken the Grand Voyager down for another MOT because it failed it's last one on a couple of licence plate lights. Hopefully this time it'll pass as he's off on a business trip tomorrow to Cardiff, so I am home alone and need to do things like the school run etc etc...

Love,

Sarah-Jean

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

Why is everyone around me either ill or grumpy???!!!

Ashton and Tristan both have colds and are sniffling and having problems with breathing. I sent Tristan to school today despite the cold as I didn't know how ill constituted time off from school... And knowing how Tristan's cold normally go, he'll only get worse and worse over the next couple of days so if not tomorrow then probably Friday he'll need to stay home... Although hopefully he'll manage until the weekend.

Martin was a grumpy sod too... He didn't bother setting an alarm this morning despite needing to leave for Cardiff at around 5am. So he woke up at gone 7am, had a real hissy fit, swearing and shouting at me as if it's my fault he didn't bother to set an alarm and wasn't ready, woke all the kids up, and then breezed out the front door leaving me to sort out the mess he'd made of the boys morning that I had planned.

We dropped Tristan off at school and then went round to my Mums, which made things a little better as I was panicking about coping completely alone, doing school runs with four kids for the first time. So we went to my Mums and had a relaxed morning before dropping Jaeven off for school. Then me and three of the Mums stodd around for about half an hour chatting about our children before coming home.

Feels like I've barely been home 5 minutes and now I have to go and get ready to pick the boys up.... I really hate this school run. It'll be so much better come September when Jaeven starts going full time. Well, it'll be better for a little while because Raistlin is due to start Easter 2007 so we'll have a few months of easy runs!!!

I'm not sure how I'm going to do this evening... I've got four kids, to get home, get ready for tomorrow's school, feed and put to bed all by myself because Martin won't be home until very late tonight. Fun, fun, fun!

Anyway I best be off and get ready to go.....

Love,

Sarah-Jean

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

I am so tired and fed up.... I can't even think straight. Ashton actually slept OK last night I suppose, he wasn't quite as bad as he has been the last few nights, but still I'm exhausted.

Raistlin is playing up like nobodies business and Jaeven is hassling me. Thankfully Ashton has decided to sleep after his restless night and Tristan is at school.

I'm going to have to drop JJ at school today as well rather then sitting in and resting because one of the other Mums invited us over for a playdate and I guess I'll need to speak to her to work out what's happening... To be honest I'm so exhausted I don't really want to go... I might just send Martin with my apologies and ask her and her little boy if she fancies coming to us sometime next week instead. I don't know if that would offend her though? I don't even know her name!!!

Argh, today is such a mess. I just want to crawl back into bed and sleep all day.

Love,

Sarah-Jean

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

OMG! How exciting!!! MK College have spaces on their Access course that starts in 12 days!!!!

I have filled in the application form and Martin is dropping it in for me, so that is all sorted. Then it's just a question of waiting for them to get in touch with me about an interview or whatever!

Only problem is the course costs £500 and erm... We don't have it at the moment. But they did say I could pay £250 on enrollment and £250 in 3/4 months time, so maybe we might be able to find it.

I really want to do this. I've wanted to do it for the last 4+ years and something has ALWAYS stopped me, be it circumstances, lack of money, pregnancy, lack of babysitting... And now, finally, I seem to have nothing that can stop me from doing it!

It's an evening course, spanning over 35weeks, two evenings a week and will enable me to finally go to University... Whether I will study Midwifery or Nursing I'm not sure. I want to be a midwife, I always have. No matter what little things I've found to do along the way I've always ended up coming back to midwifery... But nursing seems like the sensible choice to begin with... Argh! Decisions!

We'll see... I guess we have to wait and see if I even get a place on this course first. I really hope so....

Love,

Sarah-Jean

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

I'm really on the verge of quitting breastfeeding... It's just so difficult doing ALL the night feeds, and then there's all the possible problems that could or have occured - thrush, mastitis... And my boobs just NEVER feel like they've got anything in there. They never feel full, I've often heard people saying that they couldn't wait for the next feed because they felt so full and I don't have that at all...

I'm going to try expressing some by hand today to see what's going on and to give me a break for at least one of the night feeds tonight.... I'm beginning to feel sick with lack of sleep now.

We kept Tristan off school today. He got sent home yesterday as he was sick everywhere, so I thought considering he didn't seem any better today there was no point sending him.

Raistlin and JJ are sick too now with streaming noses and eyes... Raistlin has been a real little sod today as well, he's in such a foul mood I don't know what to do with him anymore.

Martin registered Ashton's birth today... Actually I haven't checked what he registered him as being called - probably should as could find out he's decided to change his name to something really horrible!!! LOL

We're just planning a holiday for the Easter term at the moment. Nothing hugely exciting, a caravan on a park somewhere.

Martin is being a dick again today, but nothing new there then... :roll: I swear this man must be going through the male menopause or something cos he's really pissing me off big time these days he's such a moody, grumpy git... All he does now is shout and scream at either the kids or me, or all of us - it's worse then living with a teenager, it really is.

Anyway I'd better go... He's just picking JJ up from school, although he's been gone ages... Sigh....

And I'm really hoping I will get a bath tonight as I feel, look and probably smell disgusting right now. Not helped by the fact I think I'm coming down with whatever it is the boys have too... I cancelled my weekly hair appointment today because I felt so crappy.

Blah.

Sarah-Jean

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

We've just booked a holiday for the Easter term holidays... Can't wait - I may finally get a look around York! And there's loads for the boys to do if we have enough spending money.

Had a good day yesterday too... I spent my morning tidying our bedroom which was something of a task in itself!

Oh fucking great. Martin has just decided to bugger off down to crappy Morrisons and leave me here with all four of the kids who're ALL sick. Fucking fantastic. I say "well how long are you going to be?" and the only bloody response I get is "dunno... Maybe an hour or so..." What kind of a bloody answer is that??????

I know for sure HE wouldn't stay in with all four sick kids if the tables were turned and I wanted to bugger off somewhere for an "hour or so"... He's only getting bloody bread! How does getting bread take an "hour or so"?????????????????

Well, that's me in a bad fucking mood now. Selfish git. Didn't even ask if there was anything I needed - which I do, I need more sanitary towels so I guess as per normal, like the breastfeeding bra I desperately need cos all I have is underwired normal bra's, I will just have to make do with the few scraps I'm thrown every now and then and pray I don't get bloody breast cancer.

I do my best to be considerate, half the time I don't even voice my real opinions on things when asked just so as not to hurt feelings - but I am really fucking fed up of this.

Want some sodding home truths. Fine.

Christmas WAS the worst one I've ever had the misfortune of having to live through.
I was upset that of the £40 we'd set each other aside to buy gifts it was OBVIOUS you hadn't put any thought into what you'd bought me and it was OBVIOUS you'd not spent £40 on my gifts.
It PISSES ME OFF that you still haven't given me any money for a nursing bra and are letting me struggle along in a PJ top that hasn't been washed in two weeks, BUT ARE WILLING TO GIVE THE HAIRDRESSER AT LEAST £15 A WEEK SO THAT I LOOK GOOD WHEN WE VENTURE OUT THE DOOR TOGETHER.
It REALLY BUGGED me that you didn't bother to keep the house clean or look after the boys properly or feed us properly when I was ILL because I was carrying your child.
I DON'T appreciate spending New Years Eve in our bedroom alone because you've got better things to do.
I'm SICK of your whinging because you occasionally have to speak to or look at your children.
And I'm really, REALLY fucking fed up of you constantly taking the piss out of me or putting me down in front of people. How would you like it if I pointed out that you used to throw things like chairs at innocent bystanders when we were arguing, or your kids were so scared of you being angry at one point in their lives that they cried and screamed whenever we argued, or that you used to drag and push and bully your pregnant wife even when she was holding one of your children in her arms.... Maybe I'll try that next time should I or are you going to punch something mm from my face in the hope I stay quiet?

BLOODY GROW UP AND STOP ACTING LIKE A FIVE YEAR OLD. I've had enough of this crap.

Yeah. I'm fucking pissed off!

'scuse my language.

I'd better not write anymore, or I'll say something HE'LL live to regret.

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

Ok, so have calmed down a little bit now... But I really do feel very resentful. I hadn't realised just how pissed off I am at the way me and the kids have been treated the last couple of months. I really do feel very, very angry and let down and there are certain things that I will never forgive or forget because the hurt goes far too deep.

Anywho... Martin came back from the shop with a loaf of bread and then complained cos none of us wanted to eat turkey sandwiches cos the boys don't particularly like turkey and they wanted a different filling. I didn't want turkey, but I ate it anyway just for a quiet life really.

Now he's gone off down to Tesco's but thankfully he took Raistlin and Jaeven with him. I can cope much better with Tristan and Ashton and truth be told I don't see why I should be stuck at home, by myself, with all four of them on a weekend whilst he buggers off out whereever he pleases... It's not fair.

Anyway, yeah, we booked our holiday for Easter.

We were going to make up the guest bedroom today but I'm just not in the mood for it anymore so I think when Martin gets back I'll act like the selfish cow I am and go have a sleep. :roll:

I'm not sure if Tristan will be in school tomorrow... His eyes are really crusty today so if they're still the same tomorrow it's off to the Drs me thinks...

Anyway I really better be off... I'm so exhausted I can barely see straight so this has taken me ages to type up...

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

I can't believe my little man is 3 weeks old already... Sad :( Sad

The time has just flown by and it makes me sad to think he won't be little anymore soon.

I'm still in denial that Tristan will be 5 this year... I mean, where did that come from????? How did 5 years go by???

Both Tristan and JJ were off school sick today. JJ was streaming with cold (they all are) and Tristan's eyes are all crusty and weeping. I think he may have conjunctivitis so we've got him a Drs appointment for tomorrow.

I am so tired today... And I'm really fed up with the breastfeeding thing. I get virtually no help during the night at all now and Martin just assumes whenever Ashton cries means he's hungry so he just passes him over. :roll:

Oh! Ashton held his head up last night and was looking around!!! He was lying on my stomach and he propped himself up and had a good look around. I couldn't believe it, I don't remember the others doing this sort of thing this early....?

He's so precious but I'm so tired... I really don't know how much longer I can do the breastfeeding for. The lack of sleep is really affecting me now... I think sometime in the next couple of days I will take a breastfeeding day and just lie in bed with Ashton and do nothing but feed him and sleep. Oh, but Martin probably would just whinge about me being selfish if I did that or refuse to look after the boys... Sad So I suppose that's out really.

Sigh....

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

Well life pissed on me yet again.

Despite being told last week that there were plenty of spaces on the course I need to get into university, I have been told today it's been full for months and there is no way they can fit me in.

Then I heard back about the Infection Control course and there is apparently no facility for me to be able to do it because of my location.

So looks like I'm NOT going to be going to Uni next year after all.

Life is shit. I'm going back to bed now.

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

OK, so yesterday was the worst day I've had for awhile. First one course off, then another course off, then everything else went wrong too and today I didn't bother getting up until 12pm-ish as there didn't seem any point.

But I AM up now... And I'm not going to let a little thing like the Access Course being full get me down. I had an "interview" at the College last night to go on the reserve list. So if anyone backs out then I might get their place. Except it wasn't really an interview more a group of people sitting round a table going over information that they should have already known - that is if they could read, speak, write or understand English or had bothered to even research what it was they were applying for.

Seriousely, I'm not being nasty but I was just about the only white person there, and one of very few who could actually speak or understand English. The rest were all from abroad and their main concern was whether or not the College would write off and get them a Visa to stay in the country... :roll:

So I was quite down last night. Being the only white person there it was kind of obvious if they only had one free place that I wouldn't get it - despite probably being the only person who could actually complete the course. I'm not saying it's racism at all, but the way this country is going who do you give a place to, to seem "fair". The white English girl who has a good family income and stable life, or the Asylum seeker who can barely speak English and obviousely only wants to get on the course to get a Student Visa to stay in the country???!

BUT this isn't going to get me down today... Because IF there are any people who don't bother to show up next Tuesday or anyone does drop out, I am determined to fill their space! So next Wednesday morning I am going to phone the college and remind them of who I am and ask about drop-outs and space. Then I'm going to be balshy for once in my life and outright ask them when I can start if there are any places! LOL Lol

I have waited 14 years to be able to study to become a Midwife. I do not want to wait any longer just so someone who doesn't know anything about the course and isn't really interested in it can have the space I have been desperately trying to get for years.

I'd better go... I'm sure I've got some end of year paperwork to fill in for the business and send off to those wonderful people at the IR or whereever so I'd better go and get on with it before I get fined.

Love,

Sarah-Jean

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

Just had my weekly hair appointment. It was really good and my hair feels fantastic now! I quite like getting my hair done every week as it means I don't have to try styling it myself very often, which is fabby cos I'm naff at styling my hair!

Martin is off to his parents house tomorrow. He did offer to take Ashton too if I expressed some milk for him but I just can't be arsed. The problems I'd end up having tomorrow aren't worth the break I'd get and besides I've got to start expressing ready for Tuesday next week when Martin and I are out on the razzle to celebrate his birthday!

I'm in quite a good mood today. I feel ill but I'm in quite a good mood anyway.

Not much going on here really. Tristan went back to school today, he wasn't ill enough to justify another day off really even though it is a Friday.

I'm not looking forward to next week at all... I've still really got my hopes hung up on getting a space on the Access course. I don't really believe I will, but one can hope right?!

I'm going to go now anyway cos I've not got much of interest to say and I'm desperate for a drink - feel like I'm dying of thirst recently. Blah!

Love,

Sarah-Jean

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

:cry: My baby is 4 weeks old today.... Time flies, it really does.

It's Martin's 29th birthday tomorrow. I've got him nothing. Not because I didn't want to get him something, just because there's no money at all. We were supposed to be going out for a night on the town but I don't know if we can now that we have no money.

Martin's parents are coming over to stay the night tomorrow too.... Joy! Not that I really mind, just that the house is a complete tip thanks to not being maintained whilst I was resting before and after the birth, so now I have to try and get it spick and span by tomorrow... :shock:

The kids are driving me nuts today. I am really trying to be good with them but they've done nothing but whinge and argue from the moment they woke up at some ungodly hour to now, just as they're about to go to bed.

I am just so tired I can't cope with this week right now. My throat feels like I've swallowed broken glass today, I've got the stress of Martin's birthday and parents tomorrow, the stress of finding out if I've got a place at college or not on Wednesday plus a trip to my Physio.... Thursday and Friday I don't even want to think about right now....

Plus it looks like I've got to choose between getting rid of my lovely Tizzy or getting another dog as I am now pretty convinced that she is missing dog company and that is the reason she is weeing all over our new cream carpets... She never does it at my Mums house when she's around my Mums dog, so that's really all I can think of that would cause her to do it. I doubt Martin will even contemplate another dog, he's fed up with Tizzy as it is and would happily give her away I think.... :cry: :cry: :cry:

Anyway I better go... I've got a million and one things to try and get done tonight, including building furniture, sorting out boxes of our packed belongings, tidying, hoovering and worrying about what tomorrow will be like.

Sarah-Jean

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

I didn't get on the course. Apparently miracles happen and everyone turned up for the first time ever... :roll:

I'm too depressed to even talk about it right now, this is now the 5th attempt I've made... How much longer am I going to have to wait? And how much harder am I going to have to fight?

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

I'm sick... Urgh! Not sick, sick, but my throat feels like I've swallowed glass and has done for the past week. I've got a Dentist appointment tomorrow, does that mean I have to cancel? I have no idea! Oh well!

I don't really know what to do now that I didn't get on the Access course. I'm one of those people that NEEDS to constantly be doing something and at the moment there is nothing and I have no direction at all... I'm just sort of treading water and it's driving me berserk. I feel like my brain is rotting and I'm getting dumber by the minute. I don't want to just be a SAHM I want to be involved in other things and at the moment I'm not. There's nothing else. Just cooking, cleaning, school runs, kids.... Which is all great but I still feel like my brain is rotting!!!

I've not really got much to talk about... Ashton is 5weeks old now, breastfeeding like a trooper. Actually it's driving me mad, I want to quit but I don't want to quit at the same time. It's just I feel ill, and tired and all he wants to do is feed and I rarely get a break... Argh!

I'd better be off... Got more cleaning and shit to do...

Love,

Sarah-Jean

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

So much has happened in the last few days....

Not really sure where to begin...

On Friday we had some bad news regarding a family member and their health... I don't really want to go into details at the moment...

We also had Tristan's first ever assembly play thingie... All the parents of the children in his class were invited along to join in morning worship with the school. The kids from Tristan's class did a story of the Three Little Pigs which was fantastic. Tristan was a little pig and did so well he barely even seemed to notice there was an audience and didn't show any nerves at all!

We made our appointments for the boys parents consultation evenings too... That's all happening next Thursday!

Saturday was my baby Raistlin's 2nd birthday... I really still can't believe he's 2! We did the living room up with special Thomas the Tank Engine decorations, and he opened his presents and we had an OK day. We went to my Mums and then went out for lunch. I think he was suffering from teething pains though as he was really moody and tired and dribbling everywhere.

Saturday night we had a fancy dress party to go too next door. That was great! We waited till the boys went to sleep then left them with my sister and just took Ashton. We both went in scrubs as surgeons, Martin was clean and I was covered in blood! We wrapped Ashton up in a towel and put a bandage round his head too.... He definately stole the show. He was the only child there and everyone loved his little "costume"! The party was really good and we popped home every hour to check Rachell was OK and the boys were still asleep.

I came home at about 2:40am in the end cos otherwise I could see it would turn into one of those all night things and seeing as Ashton had been aasleep for hours I thought I'd better try and sleep whilst I had the opportunity! LOL I have no idea what time Martin crawled his way home... :roll:

Today has been stressful... I'm really, REALLY worried about Ashton.

He's not had a bowel movement in 3 days now. He has been really lethargic and sleepy, he's barely awake. He's not interested in feeding and has so far today had two very small and short feeds all day...

I have a Drs appointment tomorrow with him, but I've really just wanted to bundle him off down the hospital all day and now I'm seriousely considering taking him.... It's almost 8pm and he's STILL asleep... Sad

I have a really bad feeling about him. I'm really quite worried. I don't think I'm breastfeeding as well as I thought I was. He doesn't seem to be feeding very much or very often. I never have this "let down" feeling or whatever people refer to it as when the milk comes in or whatever...

I'm taking good care of myself... I went through the first few weeks surviving on scraps of food here and there but now I'm eating relatively well, staying hydrated to the best of my ability....

I just don't have a good feeling about Ashton and his eating at all.

I'd better go... I'm going to go try and wake him up... I know it won't work though he'll just go straight back to sleep if he even stirs.

Love,

Sarah-Jean

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

My poor little Ashton... :cry:

He seems a bit better today although no bowel movements at all yet, this is now day 4/5 I can't remember which! But thankfully got a lovely PM reassuring me so I'm not so worried about it. I did tell the Dr about the fact he's lethargic and doesn't feed well.... His suggestion - quit breastfeeding and move him to formula.... Urm... Let me think on that.... Hmmmm.... NO!!!

Ashton is fit and healthy though although the Dr decided to check he wasn't constipated or anything which meant an internal examination... :cry: I have never heard Ashton scream so loudly, he almost never really cries, he's such an easy going baby... I felt and still do feel really bad and wish I'd never voiced it to the Dr now.

That said Ashton was awake all morning right up until close to 3pm... He feel asleep after the Dr had his wicked way with him and hasn't woken up since then so I guess he must have been somewhat traumatised by it all... Sad

My brother left to go back to Germany to complete his training with the Army for this trip to Afghanistan. I really wish he wouldn't keep signing up for this sort of thing - he's a volunteer for Gods sake. How can a volunteer be expected to go to some of the most dangerous parts of the World to defend and to kill with the regular Army as though they are a part of it??? Makes me feel sick just thinking about it. Doesn't seem so long since he was last there, seems even shorter since he was in Iraq.... He's been deployed more with the TA then he'd have been if he spent the time he's spent in the TA with the Army and been to far more dangerous places.

Oh well... I'm going to go and lie down. My head has been really hurting for three days now, I can't seem to shake it off... Sad

Love,

Sarah-Jean

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

Still no joy on the nappy front with Ashton... Sad

Anyway, today Martin is working in Cardiff and won't be home until really late as he's going to go and see his parents quickly on the way home. So I've got the boys up and ready for school, we dropped Tristan off and then went round to my Mums for the morning before dropping Jaeven off and coming home. Raistlin and Ashton both had a nap so I did some surfing. I've got to get them ready again shortly and go and pick the two boys up now. Seems like the whole day revolves around bloody school runs. :roll:

I seem to be constantly busy these days. Yesterday was the 6 week postnatal check up at the Drs... Today Martin is away on business so am dealing with all 4 kids alone. Tomorrow Martin is off out again plus I've got to pick my sister up from school too. Thursday is the boys first ever Parents evening so have to go and do that. Friday we have a few of our neighbours coming over for dinner. Saturday we have our paranormal chat night but it's being held at our house.....

God it never stops.

Plus I've really got to hire a carpet cleaner or get someone in to do it, to get rid of the stains the dog has left around the house.

Thankfully next week is half term, so no school for a week!!! Woohoo!

I'm really not sure what to do regarding the boys sleeping arrangments. Tristan, JJ and Raistlin all share a bedroom and although it works great most of the time they've begun to start fighting over toys etc at night when they go to bed. Which means I send them to bed fine, then spend ages getting them to stay in there and go to sleep... And somehow by the time it gets to the morning they're all covered in bruises from where they've been fighting and we've not heard it...

I don't think it's proper fighting but Raistlin throws things, particularly toys, when he gets annoyed. So I suspect he's throwing things at the other two when they won't do as he pleases and then they're hitting him back.

Of course they all deny this is happening, and when they do admit they're arguing they blame anyone but themselves!

The problem is I said I'd split them up into seperate rooms and they all got really upset and said they didn't want too... So now I don't know what to do. Leave them to it and hope they get bored, or go against their wishes and upset them all by moving some of them around?

Argh!

Anyway, have got a ton of cleaning and tidying to do and need to get the boys and get dinner sorted out!

Love,

Sarah-Jean

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

Copied from another website;

Well, it's now been about 6 days since he had his last bowel movement... He's still really sleepy and barely awake more then a few hours a day, he's eating OK but again I can't wake him up to feed so he only feeds when he's awake and even then he can be a bit fussy and not feed properly.

I took him for his 6week check on Monday and the GP said all was well with him... Checked him to see if he was constipated and said he wasn't at all and everything down there was fine. Then went on to tell me that I should stop breastfeeding and switch him to formula so we can know exactly how much he's getting, or to at least supplement him with the amount a baby should be eating each day and then just top him up if I "really feel the need" with breastmilk....

I feel like such a failure. I have always been convinced that I was not made for breastfeeding, especially after I was so unsuccessful after Tristan. I haven't done it yet. Ashton has never had a drop of formula although I've been so tempted on so many occasions due to lack of sleep! I really don't agree with my Dr and think he is wrong... But I have a really bad feeling that something is wrong with Ashton and I just can't get over it.

The people I've spoken to say this is because I was so paranoid and convinced he would be born dead... Then when he was born with a true knot it was like he had somehow miraculously survived (usually they cut off everything the cord supplies)... But since the last three days I just have a really bad feeling....

I'm being neurotic. I know I am. I've never been like this before with any of the others, so it's really unusual for me and knowing that I was so neurotic when I was pregnant what with being convinced he was going to die and then him having the knot in his umbilical cord which was quickly followed by being diagnosed with B Strep... I just can't shake off this horrible feeling again and am now worrying what is coming next and whether he'll survive it this time....

Argh!!!

I am taking him to see my health visitor on Friday as last night I noticed the soft spot on top of his head was really indented. I don't actually know what that means, but I assumed it was because he was possibly dehydrated so I fed him loads last night - as much as I could... Today it is not indented at all.... I just think I need to talk over this, not for my sake, but because until he's had a BM I'm going to worry and now I'm confused as to the advice regarding breastfeeding my Dr gave me...

Anyway, sorry for such a long rambling post... I feel like this being baby #4 I should know all this stuff already. But as I said, I never worried with the others, just got on with things and never had any problems. And this time I feel completely lost. As though I'm on borrowed time with him... As silly as that sounds!

Anyway on a seperate note, today has been quite a good one. I am absolutely shattered. This week I've barely been sleeping at all, I haven't really been eating or drinking much either. Although I have made the effort today and have had three meals for the first time since before I gave birth.

Tristan is addicted to the Internet. Well, specifically the Cbeebies website. Everyday after school the first thing he does is go upto the office and go on the cbeebied website to play games. I don't really mind that but he gets really, REALLY upset when you tell him he has to come off. And I'm not talking 5-10minutes later... Some nights he's been sat on that website for hours... :-?

So from tomorrow both JJ and Tristan are restricted to 30minutes each of internet time, which can only be taken after they've had dinner.

Oh, my little Tristan got his first party invitation from school today!!! I have filled in the RSVP and will be sending it back to them tomorrow morning. Only problem is, Martin says the person is a girl and Tristan says the person is a boy... Hmmm.... The name can swing either way. Argh!

Tomorrow Tristan has to go to school in fancy dress... He's going as the mouse from Hickorey Dickorey Dock. Also we've got the boys first ever parent consultation evenings. I can't wait and am dying to know how they're getting on and speak to their teachers as we don't really get the opportunity when we're dropping them off and picking them up.

I'm just arranging their birthday parties now. We're undecided as to whether to go for the party bus, which is a double decker yellow bus which comes to your house and the kids can play inside in ball pits and climbing frames and soft area's... Or whether to go for Gambado which is an indoor soft play place... I like the sound of the play bus personally. We live on a private road which is so small it's like a country lane in the city and only one car can go up or down it in either direction at a time... So we could just ask our neighbours if they'd mind if we blocked it off for the party bus for a couple of hours on those days.

I am going to buy a marquee to go up in the back garden either way as that'll be handy for the parties we regularly throw.

God which reminds me, we've got at least 10 people coming over for drinks this Saturday.... Argh!!!!!

I really want to do something nice for a friend of ours over the next couple of weeks... But I'm not sure anyone else would agree to come as it would involve his partner - who everyone hates. I really want to throw him a baby shower. After all it's his first baby (although there are huge doubts as to whether it's his or not) and he's really excited. But because nobody likes his partner nobody bothers asking him about the baby or speaking to him about it or showing any signs of happiness for him... And he's so down at the moment I just think it's really cheer him up if he knew we actually DO care very deeply about him, despite the moose he's currently with!

As I said though, I doubt the others will agree to it because ultimately the baby things would be for her and she's already scrounging fraudulently off our tax moneys among other things.

Martin went to see his Dad for a drink this evening and seems to have had a good time. They went for a drink down the pub... (edited & available in private journal)...

Our lives are so good right now... It's bad because we're so badly in debt (I'll write about that tomorrow maybe) but it's good because things are so much better now. Martin can do as he pleases pretty much these days and our family life is so much happier. Today for instance. He dropped Tristan at school, then came home and worked, then we all went to drop JJ at school, then Martin, Raistlin, Ashton and I all went for a drink down the pub before heading over to my Mums until it was time to collect the boys from school again. Then we went shopping and Martin bought me a new outfit, then we came home and I did housework whilst he worked some more... Things are stressful right now, but they're stressful so that we can have days like today. And when you look at Martin's Dad it sort of makes you appreciate what the things are in life that are worth spending your time doing.

People are convinced because I was depressed before I had Ashton, that I am depressed now. The truth is I cou;dn't be happier.

Love,

Sarah-Jean

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

This half term has been crap. Martin has barely spent anytime at all with me or the boys, we've done absolutely nothing but hang around the house bored... This is their first school break and it's been crap.

Today Martin is dropping his bloody parents off at the airport. He's only been faffing around with their bloody holiday for the last week or two. Every single day. Several times a day. And yet he hasn't even barely bothered looking into a holiday for us since our holiday was cancelled cos he "forgot" to get in touch with them on the right day. Bet he wouldn't have forgotten if it was for mummy dearest. And this last week was like a holiday for the boys seeing as it is school break and he's done crap all with them except ignore them or shout at them.

I can barely even look at him right now I'm so angry.

Things have been a bit so-so around here recently. Money is very tight right now as we're trying to clear out our debts in the next year... I think we've got around £60ks worth of debt, of which about £30k is debt we owe to his parents that we borrowed to pay the deposit for this house.

So we're looking to clear around £30k by this time next year. We should be able to do it if we can keep our spending down as we like to eat out a LOT and that's where most of our money goes. If we can curb that, make a bit extra from the business then it should be a doddle. Well not quite, it'll be stressful, but once we're not paying money into loans anymore we can get back to how we normally live!

I really need to sit down with Martin and go over our finances completely and figure out what's going out, what's coming in, where we're actually really spending the money etc. I don't tend to have anything to do with the bills, the finances, or anything like that... So I should really start taking some responsibility for it.

Tonight we're supposed to be having our neighbours over for dinner again... And tomorrow I've got my weekly hair appointment and then we're supposed to be going out for dinner with an old friend. So far I have no idea what's on next week...

In kiddy news Ashton is smiling all the time now, and gurgling at me. It's so cute, I can't believe he's almost 8weeks old... Sad Raistlin is still ill with this cough of his... He's had it now for at least 3 weeks so I'm thinking it's Dr time now to see if it's needing medication to clear it. Jaeven is being a real brat these days. He keeps throwing tantrums and has started kicking people or throwing things at them if he doesn't get his way. :roll: And Tristan is a little internet addict. He really wants a computer for his birthday but I'm not sure whether we should get him one or not. He's already on the net for a good couple of hours a day playing on the Cbeebies website... I don't want that couple of hours to turn into half the day and into the night....

They were all pretty upset yesterday, especially the older two. We got all the stuff ready to change the hamster cage, went to get her out so we could clean it only to discover that Candy had passed away... Sad The boys didn't understand that she wasn't moving because she'd died and in the end I had to actually say to Tristan "Candy has died. She is not alive anymore."... It was horrible. I tried my best not to cry and I think I managed it but the boys were so upset. Tristan and Jaeven both cried and then JJ went very quiet and spent the day completely silent except to ask a few questions about Heaven. Tristan talked about it non stop all day... :cry: I felt so bad for them...

Anyway I best be off... It's just me and Rachell here right now....

Love,

Sarah-Jean

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

Well, we made a load of plans to do fun stuff this weekend and Jaeven woke up this morning with chicken pox... :roll:

Bless him, he's absolutely covered from head to toe and he's not complained once except to ask for some medicine because he wasn't feeling well. He even took the Calpol without arguing so he must have been feeling crummy.

I suspect Raistlin will come down with it next as JJ and Raistlin tend to share a bed and Raistlin is pretty ill with this chesty cough anyway... Sad

I just really hope the baby doesn't get it yet... Please, please don't let the baby get it now.... Sad

Martin has to run ANOTHER errand for his Mum today and go pick up his poor Nan and take her to his Mums house so she can housesit whilst his Mums away... He was going to do it earlier with the boys but we are pretty sure his Nan's never had chicken pox, and being in her mid 80s we don't want to risk her getting it now.

So our afternoon playing with Barry and Heidi's kids whilst me and Heidi have a few glasses of wine (I've never seen an American drink so much!!! That girlie can outdrink me on the vino front! :shock: ) had to be cancelled as their youngest hasn't had the pox yet and they don't want him exposed as he's only JJs age...

Tomorrow's outing is also cancelled as we can't really expose other people's kids to chicken pox without them knowing and JJ is infectious at the moment.

Thank God everyone in my Mums household has had it though as otherwise we'd have had to cancel our dinner out with Chris...

Now I just have to try and figure out how long to tell the school Jaeven will be off for.... Have no idea how long it takes before he's no longer infectious and I don't really want to send him until he's fairly healed up as I don't want him to be picked on....

Oh that reminds me I must take JJs school form in on Monday and Raistlins application... Get him on the waiting list nice and early for next year and just cross our fingers Jaeven gets accepted and given a place for September this year as our application is very late cos despite knowing his age and birthdate when we got him into the nursery nobody thought to tell us the closing date for applications for the school was in December (at the time we applied for his nursery place... :roll: )...

Anyway I guess I'd better go....

Love,

Sarah-Jean

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

OMG This week has been hectic... Tristan's got a party to go to today for a school friend and we've still got to go shopping and get the present and stuff! :shock: Must really get organised!

I think I've got my first bit of DOula work as well! I can't wait if it all goes through. She's said I can help out with keeping the Dad calm as it's his first baby, so I guess there's always a chance she may not call me when the time comes but if she does I'll be ready!

Not a lot has really been going on recently. We had to go to Sheffield yesterday which was something of a mad rush, but we managed it OK.

Jaeven's chicken pox are now pretty much cleared up so he'll be back at school on Monday, thank God! He's been driving me nuts during the day as him and Raistlin were fighting all last week cos they're both ill and grouchy!

Ashton had his first set of Jabs on Thursday... I didn't take him though as I didn't feel well.

Martin is pissing me right off. All he ever does is work, or talk about work, or whinge about work, or moan at me for not doing things. :roll: I just can't be bothered to even listen to him anymore. He talks, I can hear him talking, but it goes in one and out the other no matter what it is he's talking about.

I mean seriousely, he's expecting me to help him with his business, run the house, look after the kids, breastfeed and all on the equivalent of a small nap each night. He doesn't really help me at all, and when he does he does nothing but moan about it. I've had enough of the poor me act, so I just ignore him largely these days.

We don't spend anytime together, don't talk really, barely eat dinner together anymore and we don't have any other meals together. It's basically he gets up in the morning, sorts the kids out, takes Tristan to school, spends rest of day whinging about work/me/kids, kids go to bed, he sits on computer, I watch TV and then go to sleep.

Wow. What a wonderful marriage I have. :roll:

Anyway I better go get dressed and see about this shopping I need to do...

Love,

Sarah-Jean

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

Ok, so Martin told me earlier this week that he had spoken to the college about the Access course starting in September and hadn't bothered to tell me... I am still smarting from it now. I know I should be over it now but it just seems like he doesn't think about me or my feelings at all.

I mean seriousely, the college called on his mobile and asked for me. He told them I wasn't there and they said they were just calling to find out if I was interested in doing the access course, part time in September. He said I was and pointed out that I'd already applied for it. They said they hadn't got my application but would I like a place on the course, to which he said yes I definately would. And then apparently they said they'd send out a confirmation letter in the next few weeks.

Did he come home and tell me all this???? No. He waited a full WEEK to tell me. And then acted as though it was nothing. Sorry did I miss something here???!!! This is my life we're talking about. My future. My future career. Something I've wanted to do for 14 years and he knew how important this was to me. He knew how disappointed I've been in the past when I've not got on the access courses on my previous attempts. And he couldn't be bothered to tell me that something that was this important to me??? And even when he did it was an "oh yeah, forgot to tell you..." as though it meant nothing. Not a word of congrats, or anything about it.... Just as though it was nothing. :cry:

I think that speaks for itself on how important my ultimate happiness is to him.

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

Sigh.... I reached my 2 month point of breastfeeding... I thought seeing as I never thought I'd get this far or reach this milestone without using formula that there might be some sort of celebration where Martin is concerned, but he barely even acknowledged I'd said anything when I mentioned it....

:cry: So much for thinking I had something to be proud of.

I'm going to go cry in the bath now I think.

Sarah-Jean

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

Well, it looks like I've reached the end of my breastfeeding journey. I've had a really bad chest infection for at least the last week and have been unable to really eat anything until today. In the last five days I only ate half a toast sandwhich, and one and a half small sausage rolls... Ashton is ill too (as is Tristan and Raistlin) and so is being a fussy feeder, I've been too ill to push him to feed much and the night before last I was far too tired and told Martin to give him formula. I was really shocked to realise yesterday that I hadn't fed him any breastmilk in almost 24hours and didn't even feel slightly uncomfortable or full. A quick go at hand expressing produced nothing. I did try to let him feed from the boob again three times since then but I don't think he's really getting anything.

So I guess that's it. The end. I'm a bit sad if I'm honest. I hated feeding him during the night but I realised this morning that even if he's having formula at night Martin's not going to help me much. :roll: Too much hard work to care for his own children properly - much more fun to surf Ebay for a few hours whilst they scream themselves quiet.

So 2 months, 1 week and 3 days after he was born our breastfeeding journey has ended. :cry:

We threw James and Tina a babyshower last night... They guessed though although they didn't tell us until afterwards. But it was good fun either way!

Sigh... We've got to do an exhibition at the NEC next week... I really don't want to do it as I don't know anything about the products, I don't want to learn anything about them and to be honest, it's four whole days away from the kids... I don't want to stay away from them that long... But nope. My feelings don't count for crap these days so I've "got" to do it.

Tristan, Raistlin and Ashton are all down with chicken pox at the moment as well. It turned up on Friday so AAAARRGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!

Awww... Bless... Tristan and Raistlin are in my bedroom watching the TV and Postman Pat just came on and they're both signing the song at the top of their voices!!! Lol

The beautiful sound of your own beautiful children singing is always enough to brighten any dull day!

Love,

Sarah-Jean

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

Wow!

Just wow!

My lady delivered her baby last night, after 16 hard hours of labour!

Fantastic. Just fantastic and it's definately motivated me even more to reaching my goal!

Wow!

Baby and Mummy doing well when I went to see them today... Delivery was good although hairy to watch and I just wanted to get my hands in there and help out. Baby crowned brilliantly, Mum just breathed baby's head out, baby got stuck at shoulders though and took two midwives to yank her out, she wasn't breathing immediately either but started very quickly with a bit of stimulation, meconium was present but I guess that's to be expected after 16 hours of labour!

Was wonderful! I can't wait!

Wow!!!!