School has resumed. I am thinking that for my custom made corset that I need to have the Wonder Woman design put on it instead of whatever I decide upon. WTF was I thinking? Yoga teacher training. 15 college credits. Homeschooling. I am f'ing insane. Pulling it off though will be a great thing. If I can just stay on top of it.
Last edited by TeaNCrumpets; 09-05-2007 at 12:19 AM.
Reason: I bloody well felt like it!
I f***ing hate my major. I love Russian-- my teacher is awesome and while she chewed me up one side and down the other for being late, she is a ball of fire and I am in a class of science and business majors. The class is high energy and I love being there. "Fine! I didn't want to miss any anyway!" The prof laughed, "Well FINE back! See if I care if you are not late!"
She gave me a Russian name today-- it's the same as one of my children. She was delighted that most of my children have Russian names. This prof is so sleek-- I love how she dresses and carries herself. I want to be just like her when I grow up.
My major classes are where we do group therapy for fragile classmates or those whose lives are so hard that they need to vent. 300, 400 level classes. Goody! I cannot stand them and tomorrow we get more of the same in a class where we play Pretend. "If I were a counselor/person in this situation and this was happening, this is how I'd handle it."
My next door neighbor is in one of the classes. I don't think she is very intelligent. It bothers me that she is going for my major. She asked if I was happy to get my kidz back in school. WTF? What kind of a question is that to ask someone? I clarified once I made her tell me who she was (hint: I do not like you) and I said that I like my children and would not have them to only look forward to sending them away!
A lady in Russian has me degree and wants four years of her life back. I told her I wasn't crazy about the degree and asked what she thought and she said, "You will spend all of your time in your upper division classes listening to people talk about their personal problems, max out your pay in three years after graduation, have a harder time getting in to a master's program because it's not quite psychology and not really social work. . ." The last thing that I want is to change majors again. I changed them so many times years before. I really truly hate this one though. I don't care if I have to do the math-- I need it anyway, but the only reason I had problems before was because every time I had a math class, the kids would get sick and I was a single mother. I flunked out of an extremely low math class because I was overwhelmed when I was out of school for three weeks with my daughters taking turns with the chicken chops. (Chicken pox.)
I need to see an adviser in the morning. It will be crowded. Tomorrow is the last day to drop classes.
I just dropped all of my human services classes. I am so ticked right now. I was in 300 and 400 level classes and they were like group therapy for the people with much decorated histories who were taking the class. Did I really need to hear about some woman's foster daughter who was suffered from RAD, ODD, ADHD and a collection of other terrible acronyms and how the present system was or wasn't helping her?
I will probably switch to English. I have maxed out on all possible electives-- I have so many, but I didn't know what I wanted. I have no idea what I have just done to myself. I signed up for math (the only thing that is lacking for a general studies degree-- and stats, I need stats, from Excelsior in New York) and I am in 054. I can't believe I did this.
I am close to an English degree. I like English and while it's not useful, neither is human services. The thought that I will make the money to pay back the loans is insane. I have no idea how I will do this but today I had a sickening feeling about going to class, like I'd get sick. Maybe it's a touch of the flu-- my husband feels it but I think it's the subject.
I signed up for the magazine article writing class through a sister college and a math class and a linguistics class. I take Russian out here. I will also be taking a narrative writing class in town that is five weeks long. (One credit.) I am so frazzled. I can't believe I dropped yet another major.
Last edited by TeaNCrumpets; 09-05-2007 at 12:18 AM.
Reason: I chose to do so
My second eldest daughter (Peaches) just showed me an award that she got in Japanese for her use of Kanji.
Sunshine is doing well with her Spanish.
Dash has been listening to me practice Russian at night and greeted me this morning with what sounds like perfect intonation that is better than mine.
Tiger just called and loves her French class.
I have nine children-- will any of them learn the same language? My son with the speech impairments wants to learn Japanese. Oh this will be fun. . .
Yesterday my husband and I took the six smaller kids to the giant train model station where we can ride a model train around. It was great! I dropped off the older two (the eldest is at school now) at the state fair. They also had fun but the younger didn't know about it because there is no way I can afford to take them all.
Today we all went hiking in a popular pass and picked berries.
I am flat out exhausted but we had a terrific time.
I complain a lot. My life is not easy. Am I complaining or just telling it like it is? It's my journal so so what.
If another person interrupts me to ask me what I do with my children when I am happily talking about my schooling. . . I am going to do what I always do and assure them that they are will taken care of by my husband when I go out. I will not slap the living daylights out of them when they ask me if he is _____ unemployed. No one asks my husband what we do with the kids when he is working! I was at my favorite candy shop today and I was asked this by another regular there. Lord, have mercy I was so mad-- I had liked the woman, too!
Am I selfish because I love what I do and look forward to being in college and working and studying? It's life and I am living it! So irritating to be asked that-- why don't people assume that I have help or my husband does what his sperm contribution demands?
My husband has to be wondering how he married anyone as stupid as me. I know I am wondering how I married anyone like him. Are these phases normal in marriage? He tells me that I do nothing in our house. Complains that I don't get up to make breakfast on weekend mornings, "That has never been your strength." Damned right it's not. Shortly after we got married he told me that it was my "jab" to do it. I was like, "No it's not! I will not get up ever to make an early breakfast on the weekend." It's like one of those things-- we both stay up late on Friday and Saturday nights. I will buy breakfast and sometimes even make it ahead, but I don't like getting up early. So be it, it's not my strength. Play into my strengths.
He gets on me for delegating with my older daughters for making meals at times and changing diapers and said that Sunshine complains to him that I do nothing. How the hell can he say that I do nothing? I fold and clean all day long and the kids come home and throw everything off. I transport my children all over the area that we live in. My eldest started loudly complaining four years ago that she'd not left the house in "days" like it was a requirement and started telling me which kids to take with me shopping and I got irritated with her over that-- they play outside and go all over the place and play with few worries. Still, she put it in their heads that if I don't physically drive them here and there then they can't be happy. So frustrating. I told her to see how she feels when she has children of her own when her know it all teenager does the same thing. Children get bored shopping.
I asked him to do two things this weekend, one was to check the shower where the wall is falling apart and the other was to fix the vacuum. He played online, he played with the kids (then acted like it was something he should get a hero award for) and we went on some family outings and he went off last night to his night. . . but he never did the TWO things that I had asked. He was mad when I called him today asking if he'd done it and I yelled at him at work over not doing it. He ended it by saying, "Fine. I'll do it next time." He won't. Women have complained about this for thousands of years.
If we weren't married, he'd still court me and I'd still be making gourmet meals to attract him. I wish he didn't take me for granted. As soon as I start getting on top of things I am bad for being anal retentive about the kids doing their housework and asking for help. I can't win.
I am killing myself over this major change. I think I am doing the right thing.
One of the situations that I observed years ago when I was volunteering at women's shelters was that so many of the women whom I served lacked a basic education. I have a repulsion to words that have been slang. I have a physical reaction to hearing certain words. I went off at an OB for asking me how I was peeing and sent a letter that I am certain burst into flames to a hospital ER for asking me how my tummy was feeling. I love the English language and have serious issues with people who are educated who do not!
I know I did the right thing, yet I am terrified that I won't have a job when I graduate or be able to pay my student loan debt. I will meet with my adviser in the morning. I hope I will not be wearing my insecurities on my sleeve.
When I ask friends if they think I have made the right choice they hug me or kiss my cheek and say, "You can do anything you set your mind to!" What?!! My life often reminds me more of an I Love Lucy episode with the dizziness of Suddenly Susan thrown in, than of anything serious. (None of that bawling nonsense that Lucy did. That just made me mad!)
I know that my path will open up to me. Umm, right?
My tiniest baby is making me laugh as of late. She is such a little pill. Very, very bizzy. My other kids were exhausting as I was pregnant with the next children. She is into everything as they were at this age but I feel like I am having more fun. I am tossing out baby clothes this time knowing that I won't be getting pregnant again and I feel relief. I am not happy to wind up this stage of her life, but I seem to be enjoying it while it lasts.
Today I went to meet my adviser. What a person! I love her. She was of course the mother of one of my friends in high school. As I sat in her office and we started talking children and families, so much came back to me about conversations that I had with her and her son. I told her how my own sisters have kids who have started having children at the age of 19 like I did, but that mine seem to be making good choices. Mine have other options besides marriage at a young age. She is partly why. She interacted so well with my friend-- I wanted to have that with my own children. My children and I are more intellectual than "me the grown-up and them the little idiot who obeys me" like my parents had.
I called the professor from the university parking lot in tears because I couldn't find a parking spot and asked her where I could park and she said, "You are driving?!! You are independent! I am so happy for you!" I was happy that I was driving around looking for a parking spot! Oh the joy of being upset with such a problem! The only parking spot available to me was ironically out by the elementary school that my daughters had gone to, next to the public bus stop.
She laughed at my transcript, "I remember when you struggled in that stats class. . . how did you make it through Shakespearean lit-- oh, you didn't." My transcript is an unwritten history of me having to choose between difficult choices, getting around a northern city on a bus with two and then three little kids-- what terrible years! I still have 250 usable credits.
English is choosier than human services-- the D's in history are not counting but she said they won't matter because they will be replaced with B's and A's and improve my GPA. The master's application will only look at grades from last spring on as far as how they will decide if I belong or not. I had thought about becoming a doctor. I spoke to biology and the adviser simply said, "Start taking science and math and get A's." I wonder if I could and still get into medical school. My adviser encouraged me to stay with literature because she knew that I loved it and she said that anything other than my passion will suck the life out of me, that my life is hectic and crazy and that I have to study and teach only what I love. Will this pay the bills? Everyone I spoke to on the phone on the way home seems to think that I am finding my place.
I took my eldest to late breakfast and slipped her some money and she thanked me for never making her ask for it. My CEO mother had a great job and money to spare and she made me petition her and show her my finances or at the very least explain them before she helped me out. We're talking about justifying why I needed help on an allotment of $923 a month and $300 in food stamps from which I paid $600 rent-- I did not make it past the wait list for heating assistance. I paid utilities and bus passes on the rest. It's occurring to me how bad things were but how they are not bad for my children-- and my kids are aware of it.
Sunshine got rejected from one of her modern dance classes. It's a blessing in disguise. They are putting her in to a ballet technique class which is so much better. The studio is more in to The Recital! than they are in to substance. "Perform for all your friends!" Technique classes are really what every dancer should be doing for the first three years before being allowed in front of any one. I got there a half hour early to see her in Modern and she was in tears. The owner was there and telling me how she was behind. She brought up the technique class and I was like, "Sunny, these people finally have it right. They spend way too much time. . ." The owner was not happy with my acceptance speech of the situation and asked me to keep my voice down but I said, "What's to hush? This is the finest decision you could have made! Why don't you do more of these technique classes?" Three other parents turned around, "You are offering more technique, Bella?" They surrounded her and I winked at her. I called to affirm the decision and she didn't seem upset and she may offer more classes in pure technique next semester "being that you created a stir over it."
I was glad that I had shown up earlier to buffer the humiliation and when we got to the car, a chocolate cupcake from one of our church friends' bakeries greeted her in the passenger side.
As I sit here writing, I have three children standing around me with different agendas, each ignoring the others. How do they do it simultaneously? Dash is reciting the list of clouds that he learned today, Guy Smiley is reading his spelling words, and my five year old is playing the recorder over it. My almost two year old hopped up on my lap and grabbed my pearl necklace and Jack-Jack the almost four year old just ran out to announce that he went potty and everyone yelled hoorah because he will make a mess in his pants if we don't cheer him on! In the dining room I hear my husband dramatically reciting Sunshine's Spanish words and comparing them to her French that she has to learn for her technique class. He sounds like he is trying to be Pavarotti with how he reads them in his tenor voice and sounding more Italian. For some reason, he just threw in a Japanese saying and is breaking a word down. My seventeen year old is on the phone with a friend and her best guy friend just got engaged. He is her age.
Last edited by TeaNCrumpets; 09-06-2007 at 01:00 PM.
My husband took me to a used book store last night. The town that we live next to is very quaint. The owner of the store is an MFA in Creative Writing. I've known him for years and we've always had lots to talk about. We had even more when I told him that I'd changed majors. There is a writing group that meets at his store and he promised bad coffee for all who came. He said, "I never saw you as a social worker. You are a ball of energy. If you aren't coming to the groups to write, we will write about you." (Just don't kill me off in your story, Dude!)
I bought a book called The Chosen by Chaim Potok. I could hardly put it down to sleep. I got through half of it and I don't know how I missed reading this in high school. My husband likes a different genre that doesn't translate well if you aren't in the book. I have the hardest time keeping up with him on why he likes it. I read some of the books he reads, but I wind up going to the last chapter first to see if it's worth following. I need the big picture where he gets into the details from the get-go. Anyway-- I will have the kids strapped into the car when I take Sunshine to a design class in a bit and I will get them cookies and sit with them and read my book until Sunshine gets out!
Also picked out to read is a book called I Don't Know How She Does It. It's a frothy read. It's popular. The author writes in partial sentences and I hate it but it could pay the bills if I write in this style. Hmmm.
Today I read the rest of The Chosen. It was very powerful and I took Sunshine to class and bought ice cream for the babies and sat and read. It was so nice-- where I was sitting, the sun was beating down on me in the car but it wasn't overly bright. I felt like I was sitting under a sunlamp.
I cleaned up the babies and after Sunshine got done with class, I dropped her off with Boom-Boom and took the younger two to a pre-school for an interview. The assistant's name was Chuckie. She seemed nice but spoke down to the kids. I know that some have special needs, but the name Chuckie really got in my nerves. I got home and told them that we couldn't do it at this time. Note to teachers everywhere: do not make your name be the name of a horror flick character.
Time flies fast in Russian. I love my teacher. She is so cute. We have Russian names and American names and then we have diminutives of each. I felt like I was in War & Peace. Our teacher got tired. She felt so tired to she motioned for me to "get up and be the teacher." I had to explain that she had just explained, then each person in class took a turn being the teacher while she yawned and blinked her eyes.
We learned something interesting as well. She said that teachers in Russia cannot leave their grade books out because the students will help each other by adjusting the grades. She said that it's cultural-- Russians help each other. I wanted to ask some questions over that but she perhaps sensed a bunch of questions that might not end well and changed the subject. Are Americans too much individualists? To us it is cheating, to them it's cultural.
We were reading and something that is quite trivial-- a name-- kept being repeated and I didn't see how it could read like that. I asked her how she got that name out of what we had read over and over and she said I was correct. It was just a couple of letters, but I felt like I was getting it. I was quite happy with myself.