Did you all hear my anguished scream from your sleep?
I just sat down to the painful task of matching up my classes to what is required of me. I am ONE semester away from a lit degree, and after this semester, one semester one and a half semesters (assuming that I am not taking math) from a degree in rhetoric. If I had come back to school for JUST English last spring, I would have my degree minus the math classes and stats course! I can't even spyell right tonight!
I am so fortunate to have my problems.
This means that I have time to do an art minor and maybe even a journalism one.
Oh my life is so hard.
My husband whom I am wont to loathe at times is very supportive of me in this. He has been saying to me, "Tea, when your time is come, nothing will be able to stop you. Your path will open to you and it will seem so clear, you won't know how you missed it!" Now-- oh dear God, let me pass my classes.
My eldest got my email on it and reminded me of when I told her to get a teaching degree because she'd always have a job. She is right. Then I can be a grandmother, too-- at least devote time to my dear children during the summer if they'll have me! I am very fortunate.
I know where I want to go for grad school to get my teaching certificate.
I have slid a long way from wanting to become a doctor ten months ago, but would I have returned to college "just" wanting to be an English professor? No. I had a few chances before. Even social work sounds more glamorous than teaching. I met a woman last year around this time at a boutique who was a visual delight and I stopped in my tracks and said to her, "I love your outfit! I adore your ensemble and I love how you speak! Pray tell, from what planet did you beam to us from?!!" She laughed and said she taught at a nearby high school. I told her that she had more culture than a container of Yoplait and the store owner laughed as did she. We introduced ourselves and she taught at one of my daughter's high schools. I went to the parent night dressed up hoping to see her and lo, she was there and we appraised each other. She said that she'd give me an A on my fashion sense and I told her that I would wear that as a scarlet letter in my heart for always and I do! She is an English teacher as is her husband. They are just like my fave profs, addressing the students as Mr. and Miss. They have Ph.D.'s and they are addressed as Dr. and Dr. I want a Ph.D. I want to be just like them.
Seeing people like that just makes me smile and feel great. They are a visual breeze. They said that while my reaction was over the top that they are as I am when they meet their kind. I am their kind! Why didn't they inspire me last year to join them? I wasn't ready. Your plate has to be empty and you must be feeling ready for the next course to resume.
They look like they are from the 1960s-- cat eyes with sparklies! They are freaking wild! They unfortunately bring all the attention to the glasses, not my face, but so far people say that they bring out my red hair. I may get sick of them soon, but everyone says they look good. Does the Empress have no clothes? I have a feeling that I will look at the pics that my daughters took of me and be like, "I can't believe that I got those." I think that I look like a dork. A fun, cool dork, but still a dork.
My husband has been on me that I do nothing all day and put little work into the house. I washed a bunch of his clothes and put them on the bed, unfolded. The folded stuff falls off the bed. He never sees it then complains that I never wash his clothes.
He went to bed worn out and yelled at me, "Why didn't you put my clothes away?"
I told him that he says I do nothing and here's proof-- he sees them. I washed his clothes. He says the person home all day should put them away. No frakking way.
Last edited by TeaNCrumpets; 09-14-2007 at 04:38 AM.
Reason: I'd hoped I could et my sig off this.
My children are adorable but they drive me crazy at times.
Today I took them up to the playground while dinner baked. My middle son (I have four but Dash is my middle of the three elder boys) and he is really smart. He is eight years old and is smart like my husband but has a sharp personality. He has fast come backs to things, is extremely sweet when he isn't being full of himself and he is mischievous, and is just fun to talk to. On the way home he was telling me about something he learned in school and I was listening while driving. I listen intently to all of my kids when they have the floor but the ones close in age to Dash get jealous.
In monotone they start saying, "Mom. . ." and if I don't answer them they keep it up, "Mom. . . mom. . . mom."
When I asked them what was happening, one asked me if he could take my wooden recorder to school with him in two weeks and the other wanted to know if we were having ice cream for dessert.
I get so annoyed.
In a few years I will miss not having them do this but the annoying ones went to be early and I sat and chatted up Dash a bit more as he told me of cloud names and different types of rocks. The kid is paying attention. He knows his times tables. His cloud formations. Color combinations and music notes. He misses nothing in school.
Tomorrow I be taking the others out and about separately and letting them tell me their tales. No doubt they will have good ones, but it bothers when they can't wait to cut in when they see I am having fun. They do the same when they see me watching a good movie or get full gear in a story that I am writing for class . . .
Last edited by TeaNCrumpets; 09-15-2007 at 01:33 AM.
Why does it tickle me pink to presents from dh? I mean, it is a huge deal to me. Presents are material things and shouldn't matter. Screw it. I am a material girl. I like presents and love to buy them. I have a favorite store that I buy petite fours and truffles from and love-love-love to buy dh fancy little candies, put them in gold boxes and put them under his pillow case along with or instead of little bottles of Kahlua or tequila or whatever the liquor store has. Sometimes I buy him like 20 little bottles and stash them and have them even when we are broke. Dh is like, "Oh cool!" and he gobbles them up and then goes to sleep. He's happy to get them-- they are better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick, but they aren't making him overjoyed.
Today we went out to my little store and while we are dead broke, I had $5 credit. I bought him a truffle because he likes them best and me a petite four because I like them so much. I also bought him another truffle and put it in my purse.
WE went to a book store and he showed me a little Harry Potter Pencil Wand. I was like, "That is so SWEET!" I saw him buy it. A few minutes later he asked me if I wanted anything but I "knew" he was getting me something and EVEN THOUGH I WAS LOOKING INTENTLY AT A PARTICULAR INEXPENSIVE ITEM. I got to the car with him thinking that he'd surprise me, so he threw the bag towards me and said, "Look what I got my sisters."
He said I was being childish when I started to cry.
We are so limited. This morning we had even been talking of his sisters and I was irritated with one who is married to the biggest asshat in modern history-- she isn't as close to the Lord as she thinks she is and he is the reason I will never set foot in another Protestant church. He said, "They have done a lot for us." Well, not really. They invite us to come have dinner with them and if we run late as it seems we always do, they start with out us. They invite us TO EAT. Not earlier, we don't' stay later. It is to eat and leave. They have been nice on occasion but not so nice that it wouldn't have been worth dh thinking fast and saying there was one for me in there and when I pointed out that here was just two that he'd go back and get another one.
I got home and ate the truffle that I'd bought then threw it up. I realized that his love language has nothing to do with presents.
He's so much holier than me. God I am sick of him. I was considering my degree and said, "I will be to basic English and composition what Richard Feynman was to physics! People will come from everywhere to hear me talk about a five paragraph essay! I'll be famous and heralded and everyone will say how fantastic I am!" I was of course joking. Dh put his stick up his arse and said with all seriousness and bewilderment, "Who cares about being famous and hearing how great you are from people you don't care about? Why do you want that?" Because I like to praised, you asshat. I wasn't even serious though. I was talking about teaching something boring and being silly, comparing myself to a physics god. He is so righteous. He is serious about being righteous.
Soem friends from church asked us to make dinner for a pregnant lady who is on bedrest. I told him that we can't afford to do it. Then he called the person and decided to do it. . . tomorrow. He said it was right after he got paid. I said we couldn't afford it and that we'd have to do it later like in October. Self righteous man that he is, he committed and went ahead even though I reminded him that we had to take ds into town for his retina problem (no big deal-- he is getting floaters and they think he has a fluid filled cyst, non cancerous) and that I didn't want to have to run all over the place, so he said, "It's my responsibility and I will take care of it!" We'll, we will be cutting our day short now to get it to the woman's mother who works in our town to get it tow her daughter on her schedule.
When he does this he reminds me of my ex husband. People who don't have sex with him, who don't care about what he does with himself or our marriage, are more important than anything I have to say and somehow I am the devil himself and he is being determined and righteous. I really cannot stand being married to him sometimes. Of course I know it is mutual-- but I have given him a large family and I am more psychically tired than he is.
He wants me to take over the finances but I do not expect him to pay attention to me if I say, "We cannot do this" if he gets onto one of his righteous trips.
I wish I had the ability to leave-- we could share custody and not have to fight this out.
Last edited by TeaNCrumpets; 09-17-2007 at 02:35 AM.
Yesterday we took Sunshine, Dash, Boom-Boom, Roo and Teacup to town. Dash had an eye appointment and it's one of those things that they are watching right now to see if he has an issue with his ocular tissue.
Of course I went to change my major and the English department secretary just started her vacation and is out of town and profs who I've known for years were dumbfounded on what to do. My timing is impeccable. My fave lit prof was still there. After 15 years, re recognized me and stopped in his tracks, "Why, it's Miss [my maiden name]!" I screamed my joy at seeing him, but while he is still dressing like a cross between a Mafia don and an English gentleman (complimentary on either account!) and hasn't changed, he was laughing because my daughters who used to go to the child care on campus and who used to go to lunch time department meetings because I wanted them to love school like I did, were the same ages as the children who were with me when I went in! He said, "You haven't changed and your children haven't grown up!" My eldest now has a class with him. Has it been that long? He kissed my cheek and welcomed me back. I will never wash that cheek again!
Dh and the kids and I went to the museum and out to lunch. I had a conversation with Sunshine and Dash-- she and Dash decided to start requesting things of the food servers, calling them "Ma'am" and smiling and being proud of themselves and causing me to remember why when I have money that I don't like to take them out. They want to run the show.
I saw friend from a private school that I went to years ago. The man deals in hundreds of thousands of dollars. Just got out of federal prison and is working a silly job to keep his probation officers happy. Everything was about, "So I spent $75,000 on a new BMW. . ." or whatever. I asked my husband if he thought this guy was rubbing my nose in the fact that we never got together and he said not at all. It had run through his mind but he has another friend who is like that and he said that it's his life. He has been through hell in the past couple of years and I never cared one way or the other about money. I liked it and was raised in it, but my parents used it to control their environment and while I do not advocate being broke and in debt by any means, I am terrified of it. So my husband said that when he speaks of it, he knows I can relate and he is also establishing himself as the alpha male, on top of his game. I am a good listener and he said, "B. needs that in his life. You don't know his friends. He may keep you separate from them. You appreciate what he does because you understand it, but you are not scheming to join him." He is right. I would love to have the money, but it would mean having more money to spend on things that take us away from the kids. With my kids, if they get bored, they don't have Ipods-- they build forts. We don't watch TV all the time-- I read classic books to them. It's not better but for now it's a way of life that I am happy that we have.
My husband said that he thinks he will call me again as we talked for a long time and he was happy to see me as I was happy to see him. The funny thing is, he appreciates my children and family. He wouldn't want to be in my position financially, but he said that I am a wonderful mother. He knew my parents and didn't like them and told me in junior high that they had mental blinders on me. I didn't understand it then but I do now.
It was fun to get out with my husband and a few of the kids but not all as the "Ma'am thing" at the restaurant would have been insane. We needed a day like that. It was fun to have no schedule and bum around the museum, looking at huge works of art and explaining to the kids what they represented, and after a few, Sunshine and Dash were figuring it out and telling us what they understood.
The other night my husband "confronted me." He says that I over react and my teenaged daughters have told him so and they were madder than hell at him for telling me what they said. (I also react fast to their concerns if I can help them. Money, anyone? Can I take your friends home from school if I've got gas? They just screwed themselves.) They come to me and demand that I react to someone on the street taking drugs or are upset that I didn't punish one of the other kids for something so yes, I yell when being pushed to react and I can't do anything. I also burst into flames over me asking my eldest to get a job at a nearby super market and her smiling and saying, "But I'm leaving in three months! They will just train me and then I'll quit and they'll be mad so. . . no, Mom." (Then she asked me for gas money.
Today I was taking a late shower around 10:30 and there was a knock at the door. It was the electric guy. He was about to shut us off. I called dh. I'd calmly told him at least four times last week that I was getting calls from the electric company and that he needed to call them. "Sure, Honey! Will do!" Garbage. Gas. Argh.
So I called him and lit into him, he'd said he would call, etc. and lo and behold, he hadn't. Now I am wrapped in a f-ing towel talking to the shut off guy. "Tea, take a deep breath. Don't swear at me. Stop it! You are over reacting again! I'm calling you on it!"
"Go ____ your self. I'm calling you on it!" I say it in the same nasally sound he uses.
If I had been the one to leave him in the bind, I'd have my tail end in a sling over this.
I love linguistics. What is is about how words that I love? How is it that a slight variation of inflection can change the entire meaning of a sentence and how are we programmed from birth to read something like this? Why do English speakers not use double negatives, but Italian and French have no problem with it? (Because in 1762 Bishop Robert Lowth wrote a book and gave English some new rules, taking them from Latin, allowing eager parents to read it and teach their children what Lowth though proper and good. Before this book came out, everyone would say, "I don't have none." While Latin had developed into new languages like French and Italian that had double negatives, Lowth brought us back to the Latin rules stating that two negatives made a positive and that they didn't work out in English.
Knowing a language means being able to produce sentences that were never spoken before and knowing the meaning of sentences never spoken before and then we get to throw in human facial reactions into deciphering the meaning. This is exciting.
Sweet Life oh What a Delight Sharin' My Love with You
Tonight we took what is one of the last walks of the season. It won't be long before winter sets in and the leaves are mostly golden and brown now with a few leaves that are still fading with red in the centers. We went up to the school with the younger kids and we played football on the walk there. I was pushing TeaCup in her stroller. She is at the stage where she will walk, but then wants (insists) to be carried so the stroller is easier. She leans forward and picks up leaves as we go along. I left the group early to pick berries as I saw a patch on the way into the school and enjoyed watching them throwing the football around to each other, my 11 and 9-8-7 year olds running backward and chasing one another. Boom-Boom and Roo were trying to keep up and dh gave them a smaller Nerf ball to throw around as they walked.
They played on the playground and there was music in them yelling from the swing sets to one another, "Daddy! Push me! Daddy, watch!" The older ones picked berries with me for a bit before we went home. The creep crawlies weren't all in the ground-- we still had a few the surprised me on twigs! We went to the creek on the way and my son Dash asked to carry the berries. When we eventually got home, the eight year old had red around his mouth and I looked at him and raised my eyebrows and he said, "Whaaat?" I just laughed and said, "You need to be more discreet when you snag berries from me." His eyes got huge, "I don't know whatchertalkin'bout, Woman!" He knew I knew but I said he owed me a half hour of berry picking with is way less than he ate, but he didn't mind and since he enjoys it I will join him!
We got home and I made spaghetti and we ate, then after dinner. . . dh got obsessed by an online poker tournament. That was a turn off as we were going to play a game. We wound up watching a DVD of Johny Cash singing and Boom-Boom and I got up and danced to him and June singing, "Jackson" and "Ring of Fire." It was a lot of fun. Dh did really well in his poker game though-- out of 2,700 people he was in the top 150 when he folded. He's playing a late night game of something with the kids as I speak. They are eating a bread that I baked, a yeast bread to which I added a can of expired pumpkin to the dough. I had no idea what i was doing, but it tastes good and the hot oven is warming up the house.
On nights like this, I feel so happy. I like to imagine us in five years when the kids will be older-- TeaCup will be 7, then Roo will be 9, Boom-Boom 10, then the boys will be 13-14-15 and Sunshine will be 17. Of course my older laugher's will be with their own families maybe or in school, and it's a happy thought of the kids still running along with us all a family, joking and playing.
I am homeschooling my eleven year old daughter. She has developed an attitude that I have no intention of tolerating. It's probably a typical young teenager attitude, and it's not from homeschooling. She has friends and I think she is within the bounds of normal in how she is acting, however I am having to turn into a disciplinarian. I think it's a combination of hormones and boundary pushing. I have told her that I will be giving her a uniform and not letting her have the freedom that she has enjoyed and she rolled her eyes at me and stalked out of the room! THE LOOK can be intimidating and I discovered that I was afraid to ask her to do something thinking of getting it! (I am a lot like Mrs. Weasley in Harry Potter and I have a large family to go with the character.)
This wouldn't have worked with my older two daughters. They have different personalities and when they were snippy with me I was like, "Screw this! Who do you think you are talking to? This is your MOM! Do not cause me to sin on your little heads!" This caused ripples of laughter and they knew it was time to shift gears which they did. Miss Sunshine however, glowers at me when I say that, then she goes off at me, "Well, YOU are ruining MY day!" Hmph!
I am thinking of getting her a uniform of a plaid or navy jumper and getting several and removing her other choices and being strict with her-- this will http://frenchtoast.com/jump.jsp?item...2C4%2C15%2C119 be worn every day including to church and she will earn the right to choose how she will dress and what options she has. Unlike my older two daughters, she looks a few years older than she is, likes make-up and I think is more predispositioned to making bad choices. (Of the elder two, one is a science major in college and the next older is going to get a scholarship to study Asian languages. Sunshine is more likely to do be a free spirit. I am a free spirit, but she spits venom at times. This is terribly not acceptable.)
She used to act snippy and I'd warn her and she'd get huffy, so I'd grab her hands and dance with her. This does not get me anywhere anymore.
She is a sweet girl-- I just see this attitude popping out from time to time and it is so not right and only serves to make things worse if she keeps on with it, not to mention how she will react as she gets older and teach the younger siblings.