I guess I need a place to gather my thoughts, and this seems as good as any to start.
My name is Allison, I'm 29 years old and expecting my first and only in 1 week. My pregnancy has been great as far as no morning sickness, and no other health problems. My emotions on the other hand are a complete mess. I beleive I have pre-natal depression which worries me for when my little man gets here. I had depression as a teenager so I guess you can say I'm pre-disposed to it.
I feel so bad for DH, it seems he can't do anything without me getting upset. Most of the time I just hide in our room or take a long shower so he can't hear me cry.
My mom lives 4 hours away and it's hard for me. we were always really close and when she moved 3 years ago it was hard, especially now that her grandson will be here and she won't be able to see him as much as I'd like her to. DH's parents are very hard to get along with lately. I think his mom is going through a depression and FIL is being a complete *** to her. I don't even want to go over there any more. I used to love going there. It just kills me that these people that I don't want to be around right now are so close (5 mins away) and the one person I want is sooo far.
My other concern is DH's daughter. I can't bond with her and I am so worried that I won't be able to handle her when my LO comes. I know it's not fair to her, she's a good kid overall, we just don't click. DH is a wonderful father and we have her every evening, the only day we don't see her is Thursday's, that's when DH puts his foot down and says she has to spend time with her mom (that's a whole other diary) What if I can't handle being a mom of two? I've only ever wanted 1. I couldn't stand the thought of losing DH, but I can't stand the thought of being miserable anymore, He doesn't deserve that.
I'm just hoping that it's my hormones right now and that once this little guy gets here my whole outlook will change. Not too long ago I used to be a happy person. I miss those days.
Today has been extremely rough, I sent a list of people for DH to call as soon as I was in labour also stating that I'd rather people wait 'till I had the baby to come and visit. I really don't want people waiting around and me feel obligated to have them in the room as soon as the baby pops out. DH was very upset by this saying he wanted his parents there. I told him to do what he wants, he obviously has no regard for my feelings (harsh I know, but like I said the emotions are terrible right now) I was just a mess after this conversation, this about 4 hours ago and I'm still in tears. He's trying to tell me well it's family. It's not my family though, I can't stand FIL and MIL has beed driving me nuts too, she's extremely racist among other things. I want to make sure i bond and have time with my baby, to nurse or what ever before people come barging in. I know what is going to happent too, because I can hear MIL in my head "I don't care, I'm going to be there whether she likes it or not" I've heard it with others why should I be any different. This is grandkid # 6 for them, and #1 for my mom, she's waiting a week until she comes to see the baby, she wants to make sure that I've had time with him and DH before people come barging in, well her sentiments are sweet, but that's not the way it's going to happen.
I'm so tired of feeling this way, I wish I could just lighten up.
Today was a better day. I woke up with a foggy head from crying all night and I looked a mess, I had one more big cry and then decided to put it away for a bit. I spoke with SIL (who is the only one in the family that I feel is family) and she just said to ignore her family. That they will want to be in the waiting room but just tell the nurses that they are not welcome in my room until I'm ready. I don't know what happened with SIL that she didn't turn out like the rest of them, but she really calmed me today. I also went and got my hair done, and bought a few baby clothes (retail therapy usually helps a bit)
I'm still a bit on the blue side, but I think that's just my hormones and all that fun stuff, I hope it gets better post baby, but if not I've already talked to my Doc about PPD.
Well it's Sunday and still no baby. I know my actual due date isn't until Friday the 18th, but the doc said I'd probably have this baby by the weekend and well, nothing.
It's been a pretty quiet weekend. We had SD Friday night and Saturday, as is the norm. I'm still worried how I'm going to be able to handle having 2 kids around all the time. She doesn't listen to me very well, and I try to discipline as much as I can without overstepping my boundaries as a stepparent, but it's hard. We just don't click. I get the attitude of a 15 year old out of a 5 year old. I guess DH just doesn't hear it.
I talked to my mom for a while today, I miss her being around the corner, she's planning on coming up on Thursday and staying until the next weekend. I'm already sad about her leaving and she's not even here yet. I've really got to get out of this funk, it can't be healthy for me or the baby. DH can't understand why my mom doesn't want to be here for the birth, I think his family is looking down on her for that. I told him my mom isn't the kind of person who likes to interfere and get into people's faces during life changing events, she will be here after the baby is born and that's the important part. I hope he got the message, since his parents are the complete opposite. My mom has always been pretty highclass, We've never had tons of money but you'd never guess it by looking at her. She carries herself well and always looks her best, she has the kind of pholosphy that if you have the flu, put some makeup on and do your hair, you'll feel alot better, and you know what? she's right. I think the IL's look down on that and see it as snobby and stuck up. Oh well let them. I'll raise my son to be the same way, I feel my mom did a great job with me so why wouldn't I pass that on?
I had my baby boy Aidan on April 15th at 7:58am, he's absolutely perfect. The birth went very well with one exception. The In laws. the more I think about it the more upset I get (damned hormones)
when I got to L&D I caved and let DH call his parents, I told him it was pointless because I didn't know how long i'd be in labour and they'd just be waiting in the waiting room, but what ever he wanted them there for support seems valid enough. Well of course they get there and want to come in and see me, I don't know why I don't know how to say no. FIL sits in the corner just lounging and I'm contracting away with nothing but a blanket covering my parts (I know he couldn't see anything but I still felt very exposed) and MIL came to the bedside while DH went to drop paperwork off at the main desk, as I was dealing with a particularly tough contraction (aren't they all) MIL grabs my hand, I so wanted to tell her to F-off, I really didn't want them there, thank goodness the nurse came in and told them to go away because they needed to check me, I think she saw the pleading look in my eyes, god bless her.
After Aidan was delivered they wanted me to try breast feeding and he latched on immediately, AND for 1 hour or more to boot, he's a champ at the boob, the IL's wanted to see him so DH was getting him ready to visit and the nurse told him NO, that the first feed is the most important and she put him on the other breast, I agreed with her, the nurse also said DH couldn't take him out of the room and that I'd be in my own room in about 15 mins if they wanted to visit there. They were pissed to say the least and wouldn't wait. So they waited 8 hours for nothing and all they had to do was wait another 15. Dh called them the next day to see if they were coming to visit and FIL says "we're very dissapointed in you son, for what you did" WTF???? DH actually hung up on him, which shocked the hell out of me DH is just not that type.
They did end up coming to visit, but that whole ordeal soured a perfect day for me. I've been having some wicked Baby blues and I keep thinking back to that and it gets me going all the time. I have a dr appointment on Tuesday to discuss PPD, I really hope they can do something for me, I just want to enjoy my perfect little man. These are supposed to be the happiest days of my life.
Wow, my posts are so down all the time, I hope that they get more exciting for anyone who's reading them soon.
hmmm here's a giggle, my son should be crowned champion Sharter of the world, he can poop clear across the room and seek out anything white
It's been a while since I've wrote anything on here, I guess I was sick of being a downer, but then again isn't that the reason I started this? to get all my feelings out so I could read it later and hopefully laugh at what a baby I was?
Well things were starting to look up, I wasn't crying as much, still felt a little blue, but I was just hoping that it would slowly pass and be because of lack of sleep that comes with a newborn baby.
My mom invited me to her place for the week last week, she lives in Ottawa 4 hours away. I decided to take her up on her offer, maybe the break and distance would be good for DH and I. I know my hormones were getting to him and I could feel the strain. While I was there it was great. my mom made sure I ate and healthy at that, she took the baby from 5am until she left for work at 7am so I could sleep in a bit, and it was just nice being with her again, we've always been really close.
I'm back home now and the blues have crept back in 10 fold. I'm as weepy now as I was my first week after Aidan was born. I feel like mentally I've gone back to a child like mentality. Like Aidan is a doll I don't want to share. I don't mind sharing with my mom or DH, but I don't want the IL's even touching him, and when my SD comes over, I hide in my room with him. I feel aweful and selfish yet I can't bring myself to change. My SD is only 5 years old, a great kid, and yet I don't want her anywhere near me, I feel annoyed when she even looks at Aidan. WTH is wrong with me? I'm supposed to be an adult, not a 5 year old who can't share her toys. I feel like a horrible person. I just want to be left alone with my boy, it's even got to the point where with DH I can take him or leave him.
I'm going to have to talk to the Dr. on Tuesday, something has to be done. Aidan is a month old now, and I don't want to look back on his first months as being an unhappy time, I'm supposed to be enjoying him and looking forward to his next milestone. Instead I'm crying with each day because I don't want him to grow up, I want him to stay the same as he was the day I gave birth to him. I think I'm slowly losing it. I'm in tears right now just thinking about it all. I truly think that the baby blues is turning into full PPD, I have to get help before I ruin my relationship with my DH, my SD and the friends that I've been neglecting. This is supposed to be the happiest time of my life right?
Another thing I've come to realize is, I miss being pregnant. it's totally bizarre to me since I didn't enjoy pregnancy at all (my emotions were aweful, yeah big shocker) but now I feel like a part of me has been taken away, even though I have that part of me in my arms and I can see him and smile at him and kiss and cuddle him. I miss him being safe and sound in me where it was just us and no one else could get to him.
I hate the person I've become. There really was a time that everyone loved to be around me, I was the perfect drunk lol, the perfect girlfriend, and the perfect friend (ok well maybe I wasn't perfect at all those things)
I'm sorry to those who are reading this now, I'm sure I've brought you down if you weren't already.
Today I had my 6 week postpartum, everything is A-OK as far as the downstairs goes, Upstairs?? well that's different. My OB took one look at my tear stained face due to lack of sleep, a baby who cries 24-7 and a DH who thinks he knows it all and needs to tell me everything I'm doing wrong, as well as crashing hormones and said I can't just hope it'll go away anymore, we can no longer blame the baby blues. So she sent me to my family doc right away, called her to make sure I went (they're just down the hall from eachother conveniently enough) and my doc said she was surprised I made it this long because she knew from day one this was happening. I guess she needed me to make the move and ask for help. I'm now on Cipralex and in a few weeks we'll see if it helps me at all. I really hope so. I've wasted enough time crying. I don't want to look back on my year off and what should be the happiest time of my life with regret that I didn't enjoy it, it's not fair to me or my son.
On the other side of things, Aidan is doing well as far as his health, he's now almost 10lbs and growing like a weed, He can slow down anytime now lol. He had a happy day today, so maybe we'll keep that up, the past 3 have been filled with tears from both him and me. I like the happy baby I have today.