Can I handle the seasons of my life?

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Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

This is my journal, take two. I don't know if I'm going to move my old one over here yet or not.

I am laughing my ass off at all the drama that is going on all over this site! Very entertaining! :jumpingbeans:

ok, I decided to cut and paste only the journal entries I thought were important. Not too many, huh? Lol

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Just stashing this here for future reference:)

Father and Daughter
(Print the Lyrics)

If you leap awake
In the mirror of a bad dream
And for a fraction of a second
You cant remember where you are
Just open your window
And follow your memory upstream
To the meadow in the mountain
Where we counted every falling star

I believe the light that shines on you
Will shine on you forever
And though I cant guarantee
Theres nothing scary hiding under your bed
I’m gonna stand guard
Like a postcard of a Golden Retriever
And never leave till I leave you
With a sweet dream in your head

Im gonna watch you shine
Gonna watch you grow
Gonna paint a sign
So youll always know
As long as one and one is two
There could never be a father
Who loved his daughter more than I love you

Trust your intuition
Its just like going fishing
You cast your line
And hope you get a bite
But you dont need to waste your time
Worrying about the market place
Try to help the human race
Struggling to survive its harshest night

Im gonna watch you shine
Gonna watch you grow
Gonna paint a sign
So youll always know
As long as one and one is two
There could never be a father
Who loved his daughter more than I love you

Im gonna watch you shine
Gonna watch you grow
Gonna paint a sign
So youll always know
As long as one and one is two
There could never be a father
Who loved his daughter more than I love you

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Posted: 2003-02-14 13:56
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Just stashing this song here

Hawaii is the sun
Hawaii is the sea
Hawaii is the home for you and me
We play beneath the sun
and watch the palm trees sway
We learn to say hello (or I love you) the Hawaiin way

ALOHA!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Posted: 2003-02-18 14:33
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Well, I've had some spotting:( I dreamt all night about miscarriages and such, so I think I have prepared myself for the worst, in case it does happen. I am really depressed about it, but if it happens then it happens and there is nothing I can do about it. i just keep thinking, it's not fair, I have to try so hard to even get pg, and then God might take the baby away from me. Maybe Ainsley will be my only child. The risk of ectopic pg scares me too, because I only ovulate out of one ovary. If I lose it or the tube I am screwed, no more kids for me. Gosh, I feel like someone kicked me in the neck and stole all my money, but I keep asking for me.

Please God, let me keep this baby. You know how much it will be loved and cared for, how long we have waited to be blessed with both our children, born and unborn. I'm on my knees begging you.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

2003-03-10 13:50

I cannot enjoy this pregnancy the way I should. Instead of getting exciting and cruising through the baby section looking at wee little clothes, I'm praying day and night I get to keep this baby. I will not feel "safe" until either I go ahead and miscarry or until this baby is born and I am holding it in my arms. I have a picture from my er ultrasound, I look at it often and just wish that this is not going to be my only picture of this baby. I'm an emotional wreck, slipping into depression very quickly. I just want to lay around all day not talking to anyone. But, I must press on for the sake of my daughter. She is missing her normally cheerful, playful momma. Matt yelled at me the other day, told me not to take it out on Ainsley. I hadn't realized I was doing that, and it really ripped a hole in my heart. He was right though. I have nothing to take it out on besides this journal. So you, dear reader, get the brunt of it. I need a friend here, a true friend that I can cry on and they will help me take care of Ainsley. I have no one like that here, no one I would feel comfortable doing that to. What if the worst happens and I do lose the baby? Who will be here to help me pick up the pieces? No one, I have to do it all by myself. Normally I am a strong and independent person, I can do things for myself. But not now. Now, I feel like the little girl I once was, hurting from pain so raw and unimaginable, and no one knows. I'm left to my own devices, and I can't fix it. That hurt little girl is always there, but now she is taking over, and I don't know how to handle it. There is a line from a Dixie Chicks song that sums it up

There is a wound inside me
And it's bleeding like a flood
There are times when I see a light ahead
Hope is not enough
As another night surrounds me
And it pounds me like a wave
God help me, am I the only one
Who's ever felt this way?

I know I'm not, but why does it feel like it?

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Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

2003-03-21 19:29
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Just wanted to put this here:

The average age of the military man is 19 years.
He is a short haired, tight-muscled kid who, under normal circumstances is considered by society as half man, half boy. Not yet dry behind the ears,
not old enough to buy a beer, but old enough to die for his country.

He never really cared much for work and he would rather wax his own car than
wash his father's; but he has never collected unemployment either.

He's a recent High School graduate; he was probably an average student,
pursued some form of sport activities, drives a ten year old jalopy, and has
a steady girlfriend that either broke up with him when he left, or swears to
be waiting when he returns from half a world away.

He listens to rock and roll or hip-hop or rap or jazz or swing and 155mm Howitzers.

He is 10 or 15 pounds lighter now than when he was at home because he is working or fighting from before dawn to well after dusk.

He has trouble spelling, thus letter writing is a pain for him, but he can
field strip a rifle in 30 seconds and reassemble it in less time in the
dark.

He can recite to you the nomenclature of a machine gun or grenade launcher
and use either one effectively if he must.

He digs foxholes and latrines and can apply first aid like a professional.

He can march until he is told to stop or stop until he is told to march.

He obeys orders instantly and without hesitation,but he is not without
spirit or individual dignity.

He is self-sufficient. He has two sets of fatigues: he washes one and wears
the other. He keeps his canteens full and his feet dry.

He sometimes forgets to brush his teeth, but never to clean his rifle.

He can cook his own meals, mend his own clothes, and fix his own hurts. If
you're thirsty, he'll share his water with you; if you are hungry, his food.

He'll even split his ammunition with you in the midst of battle when you run low.

He has learned to use his hands like weapons and weapons like they were his
hands. He can save your life - or take it, because that is his job.

He will often do twice the work of a civilian, draw half the pay and still
find ironic humor in it all. He has seen more suffering and death then he
should have in his short lifetime.

He has stood atop mountains of dead bodies, and helped to create them.

He has wept in public and in private, for friends who have fallen in combat and is unashamed.

He feels every note of the National Anthem vibrate through his body while at rigid attention, while tempering the burning desire to 'square-away' those
around him who haven't bothered to stand, remove their hat, or even stop talking. In an odd twist, day in and day out, far from home, he defends their right to be disrespectful.

Just as did his Father, Grandfather, and Great-grandfather, he is paying the price for our freedom.

Beardless or not, he is not a boy.

He is the American Fighting Man that has kept this country free for over 200 years.

He has asked nothing in return, except our friendship and understanding.

Remember him, always, for he has earned our respect and admiration with his blood.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

2003-03-25 13:34
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I saw Ainsley's angel yesterday. I swear to God. I went to get her up from a nap and I glanced out her window really quick to see a guy dressed in all white standing just beyond our fence looking into her window. I turned my head for one second and he was gone. A feeling of calmness and knowingness washed over me, I knew I had just seen an angel. You might think I'm a nut job, but I believe it.

I feel so sad for a friend of mine right now. I wish I could be there to comfort her. I guess I wouldn't be much help as I have never experienced what she did, but I want her to know I'm thinking about her and am there in spirit.

I'm feeling a little better now. I'm now facing 12 weeks, the magic number where I can stop worrying, right? Ha, I don't think so. I've had two episodes of bleeding this pregnancy. I hate to say it but it has caused me not to bond with this baby yet. I don't want to attach my heart to something that might not make it. Yet, I know it's already to late. I'm so protective of my belly. I flip out if Ainsley accidently hits it, I won't let her climb on me anymore. I think I felt it moving the other day. Maybe so, but maybe it was just wishful thinking. I know I haven't been as excited this pregnancy as I was with Ainsley. It makes me feel bad, like I love this baby less. I'd just really like to start showing. All I wanted last time was to have the cute pg belly. Didn't happen. I lost weight and she just kind of hid in there. This pregnancy is going the same. Very sick, losing weight. I know I won't get the cute pg belly this time either. Makes me sad. I know that's a stupid thing to obsess about, but, whaddayagonnado?

Anyway, I should stop rambling here and make my child breakfast.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

2003-03-25 14:22
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I've been thinking about some stuff. I just realized I should have a four year old and a two year old. I lost two pregnancies, one at 18, one at 20. Both in the same month. Doctor's have told me that they weren't really miscarriages since I was never seen by a doctor to confirm them. I say that is a load of bull. The firs time was May 1998. I had no clue what was going on. I was still in college, living in the dorm. It was the last week of my freshman year. I wasn't feeling so hot, but didn't think much of it. I remember being at a friends house, watching movies to blow off stress from finals. I spent almost the whole night in her bathroom. Passing huge clots and feeling like I was in labor. I was sick, hot and sweaty, and in agony. I never told anyone about it, not even Matt.

The second time was in May 2000. We had been married for five months and unofficially ttc. We were at my grandma's house for Memorial Day. I was feeling so sick. I did not want to eat, every thing made me want to puke. I now know, after experiencing it twice, that it was morning sickness. My mom was there and kept asking me if I was pg. I told her no, no, she didn't know we were ttc, and didn't want to be a grandma yet. Well, this time I was three weeks late when I miscarried. Not so dramatic as last time, but I did not keep the baby. Told Matt about it, and later told my mom, yes, I was pg but now I'm not. After that she was gung-ho on me getting pg. I finally did again in Dec 2000 and that is how Ainsley got here.

I like to think that the two babies I miscarried came back to me in the form of Ainsley and the one I'm carrying now. I know in my heart that this baby will be my last. Emotionally I can't go through this again, and physically I don't think I can either. Too many problems conceiving. Too many problems being pregnant. I don't think I can take it anymore. Maybe one day many years from now God will bless me with a third miracle child. Maybe...

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

2003-03-25 14:35
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Wow, it's a freakin record, three entries in one day!

I've been hearing this song on a commercial,and I finally got it written down. i want to use it someday in a scrapbook entry.

Honolulu baby,
where'd you get those eyes?
and that bright complexion
I just idolize?

Honolulu baby,
where'd you get that style?
and those ruby red lips
and that sunny smile?

He he, isn't it cute? If anyone reading this knows who sings it,can you pm me so I can find the whole song?

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

2003-04-07 19:25
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I am finally in love with this baby. It took awhile, but I got the confirmation I needed last night that everything will be ok. I have a phenomenal dream about having a son. Up until now all dreams have been about losing my baby. I dreamt that I had a son, and he was beautiful. Dark hair with a reddish tint, blues eyes, fat cheeks. He was gorgeous. A feeling of relief and love just flowed into me, it's like I got a direct message from God. The only thing worrisome about the dream is that I had an emergency c-section at 31 weeks. I kept asking the nurses and doctors what happened, but no one told me.
Anyhoo, I'm getting teary eyed just thinking about my dream. I feel like I can finally relax and love this baby like I should.

I put alot of stock into powerful dreams. I believe they are messages from God.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

2003-04-10 16:53
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Ugh! I am getting so frustrated! I am rapidly running out of clothes to wear, and maternity clothes look stupid on me! I'm about to try on my 4th pair of pants today to see if I can be comfortable.

I have another fighter on my hands. My children are fighters, what can I say? Yesterday at the ultrasound the baby was pissed, kept kicking the conductor because the tech was pressing so hard. He was going nuts in there! I'm glad though. Ainsley is a fighter and has had to over come some hurdles to get where she is today. This baby has had to fight for it's life twice. I don't know what I'd do if I had weak willed kids, it's bad enough to have a sometimes weak husband. The "I can't do it" whine/attitude drives me insane! I have run across kids like that and I just did not know how to deal with them. I hate quitters and I hate giving up. If I had, I would not be the person I am today.

Ok, enough of that!

Seeing my bean moving all around in there yesterday just filled my heart with even more love. I have no doubt that I can love and adore this child as much as I love and adore Ainsley. It took awhile, but now I know I can do it.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Today is a BAD day! Sad I feel like a train wreck right now. I spent all night either wallowing in pain or puking my guts out. And, Ainsley woke up in the middle of the night and would only be comforted if she was laying on me. So, I had a 27 pound toddler laying on me kicking, and the baby was kicking Ainsley because it was not happy being squished!:lol:

Matt is out of commission, someone pushed him during a basketball game yesterday and messed up his back. He can hardly walk up right. Stubborn mule won't go to the doctor though. I woke him up at 7 telling him to go call the appt line for military sick call. It's only open from 7-7:30a.m. Of course he waited until he got to work to call and by then it was too late. I tried to talk him into calling for a same day appt, but he refused. I know they probably can't do much for him but give him some painkillers but at least he'd be able to come home and rest.'

I could really use my mom right about now. I need Nannie to come take care of Ainsley so I can sleep. Too bad she's thousands of miles away :crybaby:

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Lol I just got a call from a coworker of Matts. They are planning a surprise dinner for him and another girl whose birthdays are coming up soon. His is the 29th, hers is the day before. What's so funny is that he knows!!! He read an email that was left up on someone's computer yesterday. Like he wouldn't figure it out when I insist we go to Buca Di Beppos.

What am I going to do? Should I just tell him?

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

We took Ainsley to an Easter egg hunt today. We just missed the 0-1 year old hunt, so we snuck over to the 2-3 year old area. Of course Ainsley had to live up to her rep and cause a scene! We had to wait 30 minutes for the hunt to begin. Try explaining to a high strung 19 month old that they must stay on this side of the rope for what seems like forever. :roll: Matt was losing his patience and wanted to take her home. One of the workers gave her an egg to shut her up. While it was a sweet jesture, I wasn't very happy about it . The last thing I want her to think is that she can get what she wants by throwing a tantrum.

She ended up with 6 eggs or so. Not alot but parents were not allowed to help their children. I bought a ticket to see the Easter bunny and get a pic but she threw yet another fit in the line so we just left. When we got home she passed out cold. I guess all those tantrums were tiring, eh?

I think she has got some environmental allergies as well. She was a runny sneezy mess the whole time we were at the park today. That's all she needs, to be allergic to outdoor things as well as food. The poor girl can't seem to catch a break. If it continues back to the doctor we go. I dread taking her now because of the way she acts. I skipped the 18 month appt and her follow up food allergy appt to avoid the drama. She has been to so many doctors in her short little life she has a huge fear of them. Even going to the doctor with me to hear the baby's heartbeat got her going. She was scared to death of all the equipment, and especially of the midwife. I feel so bad, she probably wonders why mommy is doing this to her. It breaks me heart.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Ugh! I'm feeling so guilty right now. :? I sat here pigging out on Doritos because I was so hungry, and of course let Ainsley eat as much as she wanted. Now, we are about to eat frozen pizza for lunch. I could kick myself! I'm turning into my mom, eating alot of chocolate and drinking way too much pop. I swore I would raise my kids with no junk in the house and instill in them healthy eating habits. I do not want Ainsley to have to go through the same type of torment I went through as an overweight child. We do pretty good about not having junk food in the house, but man, since my morning sickness has tapered off all I want to do is eat junk. So, not only am I feeding Ainsley junk, I'm feeding my unborn junk as well. I win the worst mommy of the year award!

I can't afford to get fat during pregnancy, because I'm too fat to begin with. I've lost 10 pounds from m/s, and am actually happy about it.

I have a sick and twisted mind.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Matt's "surprise" birthday dinner is tonight, I can't wait. We are going to Buca DiBeppos, it's supposed to be really good. Of course no restuarant can compare to my grandpa's Italian cooking!

We have to add another food to Ainsley's no-no list. Pecans. We had pecan crusted chicken last night and she gobbled it up! I was so happy she was eating some meat I gave her two whole strips. Well, right after dinner she broke out in a awful looking rash on her face. That is her first tell tale sign of an allergy. I figured since she could eat peanuts, pecans would be ok. NOT! After her bath she kept farting so much Lol her other sign of food allergy. I'm just waiting for the nasty diaper to emerge now. What sucks about this it Matt's family are pecan farmers, so it will be all over there house Thanksgiving when we go to visit. They already think it's weird that she can't have eggs, milk, or red food dye. They might think she's not really a Vandenburg Lol

I had an ob appt today, and finally got to hear the wee one's heartbeat. My blood pressure was wonderful! I was so worried I'd have pih again. If I did I'd get kicked out of the midwife program and have to see regular ob docs. I love the midwives so far! My big ultrasound is set for May 8th, hopefully the baby will cooperate this time! I want to know the sex so bad! Well, baby girl is up, so I gotta go.

Thinking of you, JD. And thinking of Marie's girls, I hope you can pin point the allergen soon! It sucks having an allergy kid.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

It's been awhile.

To preserve children

Take a large grassy field, one half dozen children, two or three dogs, a pinch of brook and some pebbles. Mix the children and dogs well together and put them in a field, stirring constantly. Pour the brook over the pebbles, sprinkle the field with flowers, spread over all a deep blue sky and bake in the hot sun. When brown, remove and set away to cool in a bath.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Son of a freakin bitch! I had this huge post typed out and hit some wrong button and now it's gone! :evil:

Sometimes I hate this site!!!!!!

Anyway, here is the jist of what I was typing before hand. Our playgroup went to the awesome beach on Friday! I love it, it's protected by a rock wall so there are no waves pounding you, and the water is crystal clear, you can see all the way to the bottom. It's perfect to take young children to. I got my first Hawaiian sunburn there though, I'm a true red neck now Lol

I had to teach Ainsley a somewhat painful lesson there though. Because I didn't know it was so calm, I did not bring Ainsley's floatie. Usually the beach we go to is too rough. So, she sees this calm water and thinks she can go where ever she wants. She didn't want to hold on to mommy. So, after her screaming for several minutes and me getting kicked to death, I let her go and she went under. Of course I grabbed her up within two seconds but that's what it took to make her understand it was not safe for her to be by herself. Another mother saw me and I'm sure she thinks I abuse Ainsley, maybe some of you do, but you probably don't have a child like mine. She is one of those that has to experience the consequences of her actions, even if they are unpleasant. She is not satisfied to just hear about it. So, she went under, sallowed a bit of water, but after that was content with letting mommy hold her.

So, anway, Ko'Olina is our new favorite beach, but next time I am bringing her floatie and life jacket!

Yesterday there was a huge garage sale type thing on the Navy base. I got everyone up and we were there bright and early at 8am when they opened. I found 8 outfits for the new baby girl, and 3 for Ainsley, and only spent $16. I'm sure I could have found a whole lot more if Ainsley wasn't being so crabby. Matt was trying his best to entertain her while I sifted through piles and piles of clothes. At one stand I could have bought the whole lot. They were clothes for Ainsley and all totally the type of stuff I buy for her, but she has way too much stuff already, so I resisted the urge. I just love bargain hunting and finding brand name clothes for a couple bucks. So my kids wear second hand stuff, so what. It's not like they know, or care right now. They still have the brand names, Carters, Osh Kosh, whatever, and I never buy anything that is stained or ripped. Most things look new. Lol Can you tell I grew up in a poor family?

So, that was my exciting weekend Biggrin

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Yesterday was a wonderful day, NOT! We have been waiting for a check to come in the mail from MO so we can buy Ainsley a toddler bed/mattress, a new dresser, and a bassinette for the baby. I wanted Ainsley out of the nursery by June and it doesn't look like it's going to happen. I think my nesting instinct has kicked in early, because I have this urgent need to get her moved so I can get everything ready for Bethany.

Anyway, when it didn't come yet again yesterday, I went into a funk. I was feeling very depressed that we have so little money that we can't afford to go out and get Ainsley her bed. I hate the financial situation we are in now. We were very stupid with credit/money in college and now we are paying for it. So, I tell Matt all this and he turns it into, I hate him and don't feel like he's providing well enough for his family. That is not the case at all! I carry around this guilt because I don't work. We rationalize it by saying daycare for Ainsley plus the baby to come would be too expensive, which is true. I started the wheels in motion to do in home day care in January. That was a week before I knew I was pregnant. Since I was so sick the first few months I put it on hold. Now that I feel better, I'm going to call the office again on Tuesday and finish out the process. I probably won't take full time kids til after the begining of the year, but I can take drop ins and part timers until the baby is born. So, I hope that this plan will work out.

Sometimes I kick myself for not taking the job that was offered to me when I first moved here. It was at the youth center after school program. Basically the same thing I did in Omaha. Oh well, what's done is done.

So, to make myself feel better I scrubbed the bathroom and hallway on my hands and knees with Lysol. This sounds stupid but god it felt so good. I felt a sense of accomplishment from getting it done. The floors in this house were gross when we moved in 6 months ago, and I've been griping about them and staring at them but not doing anything about it. I also scrubbed the base boards in the living room, and cleaned the nasty gecko toliet behind the couch. That was so disgusting! I knew there was some poo back there but oh my god, when I moved the couch out it was everywhere!!! I was so mortified that it had been there for so long. I really neglected the housework while I was puking my guts out. Now I'm seeing all the dirt with my infamous critical eye and I am determined to whip this house into shape.

Today I am going to take down the screens and wash them, then duct tape all around them so the nasty ass geckos can't get back in. Matt is going to install air soon (I hope) and the ones still in here will freeze to death. It just annoys me that our house in not air tight. Anything small can crawl right in because our screens are held in place by a few clips, and there are gaps all around them.

We got a flyer saying housing privitazation is coming soon. That means instead of living in base housing for free, we will receive our BHA and have to pay rent/bills etc to whoever buys these pieces of crap. It's supposed to benefit us, but I don't see how right now. I'm going to be so pissed if we have to pay the same amount of rent as the families who live in the nice, new, centrally air conditioned houses. The rest of us in the old houses have to buy window air units, and we can't take them with us when we move because of the chemicals inside. That is total bs! These houses are completely substandard, I basically live in the ghetto. I'm actually embarrassed to have my family and friends see what type of house we live in.

Wow, this is on long journal entry. That's what you get when you wait a week to add one in. Wink

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I had yet another scare this week. Monday I felt like I was having contractions. I don't know if they were bh or not, because some of them were starting in my back and moving around like real ones. They were really painful. I started panicking. Thank god Matt was home, I went to take a nap and when I woke up they were gone. I haven't had anymore since then so I'm thinking they were just extremely painful bh. I was hoping to avoid that this time around, I was in L&D so many times with Ainsley because of them. All I could think it that she's not viable yet, over and over again. I have had this feeling in the back of my mind this whole pg that she will come early, and Monday just cemented those thoughts even more. I'm much more scared this time then when I was pg with Ainsley. I just can't relax and enjoy it like I should.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I had a doctor's appt yesterday. The midwife didn't seem concerned about what happened on Monday. In a way it is a relief, but it also made me feel like she really didn't care. I hate when people, especially medical professionals, give me that condescending look like I cannot possibly know what I'm talking about because I'm not one of them. So, anyway, she said if they keep happening they will check my cervix to see if has changed at all.

On to other news. We decided to join one of those debt consolidation firms. We are drowning in cc debt, and can't seem to find any other way out. If it were up to me I'd declare bankruptcy and be done with it, but since Matt is in the Air Force, he/we will get into big trouble if we do that. So, I'm praying that this will be a help to us. There is no way I can discuss this with any of my friends, because I don't want them thinking well why are they adding another child to the family? So, I hash it all out here. Lucky you.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I had to go to Labor and Delivery last night. Sad I started having cramping with some stronger contraction like ones mixed in around 1 pm. At 9 pm when I was almost doubled over in pain trying to sweep the hallway, I called and they had me come right in. Well, the monitor picked up little bitty ones. The doctor said that my uterus is irritable, and to drink more water. They lasted from 1pm to about 5 am this morning. I kept waking up with a tremendous amount of pressure on my pelvic floor. Luckily, my cervix is not changing, so I'm not in pre term labor. Well, actually one doctor said it was closed but really soft, the other said it was fine.

I called my mom to tell her and she's freaking out, wondering how she can afford to get over here if I have to be put on bedrest. She is flat broke, we are flat busted too. We can't even afford $55 to get our a/c installed. I'm sure that would help tremendously with the whole dehydration thing. I am so worried and don't know what to do. I know in one more week she will be viable but that doesn't mean she will live if she is born now. Maybe I'm blowing all this out of proportion, but like I told Matt I'd rather play it safe and have a healthy, living baby, the alternative is unbearable right now.

JD, if you read this I'd really love a chat with you.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

It's been a long time since I felt the need to write in here. I just had one of those days yesterday, not necessarily bad, just one that made me think. First, I had a long and painful conversation with an old friend of mine. We were thick as thieves from about 4th grade to 9th grade, when I moved away. She told me some very horrible, and I do mean unimaginable things that happened to her during that time. My heart just aches for her for all she's been through. I'm really thankful my mom saw her mom and gave her all my contact info. Even though it's been years, we can still go back to being great friends. She made me realize that my life is pretty darn good. I just hope I can be there for her whenever she needs someone, even though I'm thousands of miles away.

I then decided to try to clean our front yard so I could move Ainsley's toys from the back to the front. They've been in the back but there are so many cockroachs and other misc. nasty bugs back there that I can't stand being outside. Plus, our backyard has a tree right in the middle whose roots stick up and she trips all over them. So, I swept our porch area, and started raking. Not the best thing for me to do right now but I have such an urgent need to get it done. I raked a small section of the yard, and had a pile about two feet high and 10 feet long full of monkey pods, weeds, and this brown fuzzy stuff. I was looking at it wondering how I was going to gather it up and haul it all down and across the street to the green waste dumpster with a toddler in tow. I started taking over a small bin at a time. Again, not a real smart thing for me to do right now. Anyway, our neighbor boy walked by, saw the huge piles, and went inside. A few minutes later, our neighbor whom I've barely spoken to comes outside with her rake, and her son comes around from the back with a wagon and three more bins. She helps me load all the crap up and takes it all over to the green waste dumpster. What would have taken me a good hour or more got done in no time. I was so grateful to her for all her help. I know she did not know I was pg and having a hard time with it, she just did it out of the kindness of her heart. I like to think maybe God sent her out to help me. Either way, I am very appreciative. She told me when I feel like doing the side yard just come over and she'll help me with that too. I just feel so blessed, we've never had a neighbor help us out with anything. So, now the front yard is clean but guess what, we have no grass! It was all dirt underneath that crap. So, I'm going to seed it today and start watering. As much as Ainsley enjoyed playing in the dirt, I'd like her to have some soft grass to play in.

Around this time I was expecting Matt to come home from his basketball game. 5pm rolled by, 6 pm rolled by, no Matt. I was getting worried and was thinking, if he's not home by 7 I'm going to call the ER to see if he got taken in. At around 6:30 a friend of mine came over to bring us some homemade cinnamon rolls. She brought her son so the kids played while we talked. It helped take my mind off the fact that Matt has now been gone for about five hours. Around 7:30 here he comes. He went to the freakin bar without telling me! This is very out of character for him, he rarely if ever goes out with his friends. The funny thing is, I was not mad at him at all. It was kinda funny because he was a little drunk and when he's like that he's actually social. I'm sure my friend was thinking wow, what a jerk, going to the bar and not calling his wife. But, it didn't bother me so oh well. If it becomes a habit, then hell ya I'll be pissed.

So, that was my eventful day.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Two entries in one day, I'm on a roll. I figured the last one was long enough.

I've really been struggling with my body image lately. I felt that I had the negative thoughts under control, but recently all those feelings are surfacing again. I've never been skinny, I was average as a child but started packing on the weight when I hit puberty. Working in fast food in high school didn't help either. I gained about 50 pounds my last two years of high school. So, I'm been a fatty for a while. I've been doing ok for a while now, I lost some weight after having Ainsley and was starting to buy cute smaller sized clothes and feeling good about myself. Then I got pg. No more dieting for me. I actually lost 10 pounds from morning sickness. I was thrilled about it. But now, I'm back in my pregnancy clothes from Ainsley, when I weighed about 30 more pounds, so they hang off me even more then they should. We can't afford to spend money on new ones that I will only wear for a couple more months so I'm stuck with them.

I'm the only fat person left in my circle of family and friends. My mom lost an incredible 180+ pounds, and my best friend dropped 50 and is looking very good now. And, all my friends here in HI are skinny, and can wear the cute shorts and tank tops all the time. My closest friend here is a whole 100 pounds, tiny little stick girl. I feel like an ogre next to her.

Anyway, all these emotions are making me have dreams about Matt leaving me. The first one, he left me for a skinnier woman. The second one, he left me for a more put together woman, one who looks nice and wears make up and does her hair. I haven't touched makeup since we moved here, and being pregnant does not flatter me at all. I look like death warmed over most of the time. The last dream was last night. I had a dream he left me for an Asian woman. Now, there is a story behind this dream. My skinny minny friend here is part Korean. Her mom is from Korea and taught her how to take care of the house and her man. (please if you are Asian and reading this, don't get offended) My neighbor is Asian. When I told her how grateful I was that she helped me for cleaning up, and that I was planning on leaving the piles for Matt to bag up and carry across the street, she said oh no, they work so hard during the day, it's our job to keep the house in order. I told Matt and he joked that maybe he should have married an Asian woman. Well, he was joking but it kinda hurt me. I know he works all day and I sah, but I still make him do chores. He cooks most of the dinners and cleans the kitchen every night. I've also been asking him to help out with my chores too, when I'm having pains and can't do them. I feel like I'm failing in my role as house wife. It's my job to do all this stuff, and I'm not doing it. Our house is barely presentable, and our yard is an eyesore. I think that's why I have such a drive to get it all done, to prove to myself and everyone else that I'm fufilling my end of the bargain.

So, I feel as though I've got those lovely fat and lazy imagines pinned on me again, and I don't like it.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I'm freaking out! Lost some more of my mucous plug today, called the hospital in a panic, to be told it is normal. Normal, at just 25 weeks?!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I'm in a mood, I'll get over it Wink

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Sorry about the last post, I don't know what my problem is. Sometimes I act like a jealous little brat. I need to grow up and act like an adult. That's my biggest problem. I'm so self absorbed, and have been that way for a long time. I know I've made great strides away from that attitude, but some of it still remains.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Thank God for small miracles. We are trying to save every possible dollar to get a ticket for my mom to come here when the baby is born. So far we are planning on contributing $300. I wish I could do more, but we are strapped for cash right now as it is. Thankfully, someone pointed me towards a "shop" on base called the Airman's Attic. It is for Ssgt and under, so we get to have 50 items a month for free. It's kinda like a thrift shop, everything has been donated. It has clothing, furniture, toys, etc. I went last week and got Bethany very nice, name brand clothing for free. And just today someone gave us a pack of size 1 diapers for the baby, her baby outgrew them. I managed to find a toddler bed and mattress for Ainsley for $50, half of what we would have paid at the BX. And, I found out Matt's office is throwing us a baby shower. I feel so blessed! I was so stressed about the money situation and me not working, but now it seems like everything is falling into place. And, I know there are people even worse off then we are, that can't even eat, so I feel blessed that at least we have enough to pay our bills and eat good food, with the occasional going out. We are not destitute, we just can't afford to spend $300 on a new nursery set like some people. I'm sure she'll be happy with the $50 one I found the other day. I never knew I could be happy in the situation we are in. But, I've seen worse from my own family so I know we are doing ok.

Went to the doctor on Thursday, she said I am a finger tip dialated. I'm still wondering if my dream of having her at 31 weeks was prophetic or not. My mom says Sept 12, which would be wonderful, because I would be term then. She was right on Ainsley's b-day, she knew she'd be born the 17th, so we shall see.

I'm going back to the Airman's Attic again today, maybe a bassinette will magically be there waiting for me to get it Wink

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

29 week belly shot

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Do you ever feel like you are playing house with someone else's husband and children? I keep waiting for some irate woman to walk through the door and demand to know what the hell I'm doing with her family. Lately I feel like how did I get here? I still feel 16 most days, not 24. Time is flying by too quickly and dragging me kicking and screaming with it.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Well, it's been a long time. A lot has happened since the last time I posted in here. I've been in a depression for awhile now-and I think I have finally stumbled upon one of the reasons for it. I feel like I cannot be my true self. I've changed so much since I was 16, the age Matt and I started dating. I've really done a turn around in my thinking, but I'm afraid to voice these thoughts for fear of ridicule. I hate that I even feel that way, but I do.

I took my love and I took it down
I climbed a mountain and I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow-covered hills
Well the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love
Can the child within my hear rise above
Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life

Well, I’ve been afraid of changing ‘cause I built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
I’m getting older, too
Well I’m getting older too

So, take this love and take it down
Yeah and if you climb a mountain and ya turn around
And if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills
Well the landslide brought me down

And if you see reflection in the snow-covered hills
Well maybe
Well maybe
Well maybe the landside will bring you down

I'm hoping my six week visit in MO will do me some good. I'm really counting on it as a way to rejuvenate myself and bask in the love and support of my family and friends, something I am seriously lacking here.

I don't want to break this family up, I don't. But, at what cost will it be to keep it together? These are the tough questions I keep asking myself. I'm terrified that Matt will stumble across this and find out what I'm really thinking.

Ugh, it sucks. Damn it all to hell!

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