I had a doctor's appt yesterday. The midwife didn't seem concerned about what happened on Monday. In a way it is a relief, but it also made me feel like she really didn't care. I hate when people, especially medical professionals, give me that condescending look like I cannot possibly know what I'm talking about because I'm not one of them. So, anyway, she said if they keep happening they will check my cervix to see if has changed at all.
On to other news. We decided to join one of those debt consolidation firms. We are drowning in cc debt, and can't seem to find any other way out. If it were up to me I'd declare bankruptcy and be done with it, but since Matt is in the Air Force, he/we will get into big trouble if we do that. So, I'm praying that this will be a help to us. There is no way I can discuss this with any of my friends, because I don't want them thinking well why are they adding another child to the family? So, I hash it all out here. Lucky you.
I had to go to Labor and Delivery last night. I started having cramping with some stronger contraction like ones mixed in around 1 pm. At 9 pm when I was almost doubled over in pain trying to sweep the hallway, I called and they had me come right in. Well, the monitor picked up little bitty ones. The doctor said that my uterus is irritable, and to drink more water. They lasted from 1pm to about 5 am this morning. I kept waking up with a tremendous amount of pressure on my pelvic floor. Luckily, my cervix is not changing, so I'm not in pre term labor. Well, actually one doctor said it was closed but really soft, the other said it was fine.
I called my mom to tell her and she's freaking out, wondering how she can afford to get over here if I have to be put on bedrest. She is flat broke, we are flat busted too. We can't even afford $55 to get our a/c installed. I'm sure that would help tremendously with the whole dehydration thing. I am so worried and don't know what to do. I know in one more week she will be viable but that doesn't mean she will live if she is born now. Maybe I'm blowing all this out of proportion, but like I told Matt I'd rather play it safe and have a healthy, living baby, the alternative is unbearable right now.
JD, if you read this I'd really love a chat with you.
It's been a long time since I felt the need to write in here. I just had one of those days yesterday, not necessarily bad, just one that made me think. First, I had a long and painful conversation with an old friend of mine. We were thick as thieves from about 4th grade to 9th grade, when I moved away. She told me some very horrible, and I do mean unimaginable things that happened to her during that time. My heart just aches for her for all she's been through. I'm really thankful my mom saw her mom and gave her all my contact info. Even though it's been years, we can still go back to being great friends. She made me realize that my life is pretty darn good. I just hope I can be there for her whenever she needs someone, even though I'm thousands of miles away.
I then decided to try to clean our front yard so I could move Ainsley's toys from the back to the front. They've been in the back but there are so many cockroachs and other misc. nasty bugs back there that I can't stand being outside. Plus, our backyard has a tree right in the middle whose roots stick up and she trips all over them. So, I swept our porch area, and started raking. Not the best thing for me to do right now but I have such an urgent need to get it done. I raked a small section of the yard, and had a pile about two feet high and 10 feet long full of monkey pods, weeds, and this brown fuzzy stuff. I was looking at it wondering how I was going to gather it up and haul it all down and across the street to the green waste dumpster with a toddler in tow. I started taking over a small bin at a time. Again, not a real smart thing for me to do right now. Anyway, our neighbor boy walked by, saw the huge piles, and went inside. A few minutes later, our neighbor whom I've barely spoken to comes outside with her rake, and her son comes around from the back with a wagon and three more bins. She helps me load all the crap up and takes it all over to the green waste dumpster. What would have taken me a good hour or more got done in no time. I was so grateful to her for all her help. I know she did not know I was pg and having a hard time with it, she just did it out of the kindness of her heart. I like to think maybe God sent her out to help me. Either way, I am very appreciative. She told me when I feel like doing the side yard just come over and she'll help me with that too. I just feel so blessed, we've never had a neighbor help us out with anything. So, now the front yard is clean but guess what, we have no grass! It was all dirt underneath that crap. So, I'm going to seed it today and start watering. As much as Ainsley enjoyed playing in the dirt, I'd like her to have some soft grass to play in.
Around this time I was expecting Matt to come home from his basketball game. 5pm rolled by, 6 pm rolled by, no Matt. I was getting worried and was thinking, if he's not home by 7 I'm going to call the ER to see if he got taken in. At around 6:30 a friend of mine came over to bring us some homemade cinnamon rolls. She brought her son so the kids played while we talked. It helped take my mind off the fact that Matt has now been gone for about five hours. Around 7:30 here he comes. He went to the freakin bar without telling me! This is very out of character for him, he rarely if ever goes out with his friends. The funny thing is, I was not mad at him at all. It was kinda funny because he was a little drunk and when he's like that he's actually social. I'm sure my friend was thinking wow, what a jerk, going to the bar and not calling his wife. But, it didn't bother me so oh well. If it becomes a habit, then hell ya I'll be pissed.
Two entries in one day, I'm on a roll. I figured the last one was long enough.
I've really been struggling with my body image lately. I felt that I had the negative thoughts under control, but recently all those feelings are surfacing again. I've never been skinny, I was average as a child but started packing on the weight when I hit puberty. Working in fast food in high school didn't help either. I gained about 50 pounds my last two years of high school. So, I'm been a fatty for a while. I've been doing ok for a while now, I lost some weight after having Ainsley and was starting to buy cute smaller sized clothes and feeling good about myself. Then I got pg. No more dieting for me. I actually lost 10 pounds from morning sickness. I was thrilled about it. But now, I'm back in my pregnancy clothes from Ainsley, when I weighed about 30 more pounds, so they hang off me even more then they should. We can't afford to spend money on new ones that I will only wear for a couple more months so I'm stuck with them.
I'm the only fat person left in my circle of family and friends. My mom lost an incredible 180+ pounds, and my best friend dropped 50 and is looking very good now. And, all my friends here in HI are skinny, and can wear the cute shorts and tank tops all the time. My closest friend here is a whole 100 pounds, tiny little stick girl. I feel like an ogre next to her.
Anyway, all these emotions are making me have dreams about Matt leaving me. The first one, he left me for a skinnier woman. The second one, he left me for a more put together woman, one who looks nice and wears make up and does her hair. I haven't touched makeup since we moved here, and being pregnant does not flatter me at all. I look like death warmed over most of the time. The last dream was last night. I had a dream he left me for an Asian woman. Now, there is a story behind this dream. My skinny minny friend here is part Korean. Her mom is from Korea and taught her how to take care of the house and her man. (please if you are Asian and reading this, don't get offended) My neighbor is Asian. When I told her how grateful I was that she helped me for cleaning up, and that I was planning on leaving the piles for Matt to bag up and carry across the street, she said oh no, they work so hard during the day, it's our job to keep the house in order. I told Matt and he joked that maybe he should have married an Asian woman. Well, he was joking but it kinda hurt me. I know he works all day and I sah, but I still make him do chores. He cooks most of the dinners and cleans the kitchen every night. I've also been asking him to help out with my chores too, when I'm having pains and can't do them. I feel like I'm failing in my role as house wife. It's my job to do all this stuff, and I'm not doing it. Our house is barely presentable, and our yard is an eyesore. I think that's why I have such a drive to get it all done, to prove to myself and everyone else that I'm fufilling my end of the bargain.
So, I feel as though I've got those lovely fat and lazy imagines pinned on me again, and I don't like it.
Sorry about the last post, I don't know what my problem is. Sometimes I act like a jealous little brat. I need to grow up and act like an adult. That's my biggest problem. I'm so self absorbed, and have been that way for a long time. I know I've made great strides away from that attitude, but some of it still remains.
Thank God for small miracles. We are trying to save every possible dollar to get a ticket for my mom to come here when the baby is born. So far we are planning on contributing $300. I wish I could do more, but we are strapped for cash right now as it is. Thankfully, someone pointed me towards a "shop" on base called the Airman's Attic. It is for Ssgt and under, so we get to have 50 items a month for free. It's kinda like a thrift shop, everything has been donated. It has clothing, furniture, toys, etc. I went last week and got Bethany very nice, name brand clothing for free. And just today someone gave us a pack of size 1 diapers for the baby, her baby outgrew them. I managed to find a toddler bed and mattress for Ainsley for $50, half of what we would have paid at the BX. And, I found out Matt's office is throwing us a baby shower. I feel so blessed! I was so stressed about the money situation and me not working, but now it seems like everything is falling into place. And, I know there are people even worse off then we are, that can't even eat, so I feel blessed that at least we have enough to pay our bills and eat good food, with the occasional going out. We are not destitute, we just can't afford to spend $300 on a new nursery set like some people. I'm sure she'll be happy with the $50 one I found the other day. I never knew I could be happy in the situation we are in. But, I've seen worse from my own family so I know we are doing ok.
Went to the doctor on Thursday, she said I am a finger tip dialated. I'm still wondering if my dream of having her at 31 weeks was prophetic or not. My mom says Sept 12, which would be wonderful, because I would be term then. She was right on Ainsley's b-day, she knew she'd be born the 17th, so we shall see.
I'm going back to the Airman's Attic again today, maybe a bassinette will magically be there waiting for me to get it
Do you ever feel like you are playing house with someone else's husband and children? I keep waiting for some irate woman to walk through the door and demand to know what the hell I'm doing with her family. Lately I feel like how did I get here? I still feel 16 most days, not 24. Time is flying by too quickly and dragging me kicking and screaming with it.