Well, it's been a long time. A lot has happened since the last time I posted in here. I've been in a depression for awhile now-and I think I have finally stumbled upon one of the reasons for it. I feel like I cannot be my true self. I've changed so much since I was 16, the age Matt and I started dating. I've really done a turn around in my thinking, but I'm afraid to voice these thoughts for fear of ridicule. I hate that I even feel that way, but I do.

I took my love and I took it down
I climbed a mountain and I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow-covered hills
Well the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love
Can the child within my hear rise above
Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life

Well, I’ve been afraid of changing ‘cause I built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
I’m getting older, too
Well I’m getting older too


So, take this love and take it down
Yeah and if you climb a mountain and ya turn around
And if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills
Well the landslide brought me down

And if you see reflection in the snow-covered hills
Well maybe
Well maybe
Well maybe the landside will bring you down

I'm hoping my six week visit in MO will do me some good. I'm really counting on it as a way to rejuvenate myself and bask in the love and support of my family and friends, something I am seriously lacking here.

I don't want to break this family up, I don't. But, at what cost will it be to keep it together? These are the tough questions I keep asking myself. I'm terrified that Matt will stumble across this and find out what I'm really thinking.

Ugh, it sucks. Damn it all to hell!