That line is one of my absolute favorites. It's from The Crow. The girlfriend says it in the very beginning, standing in a cemetery. It just feels right sometimes, y'know? I want whoever sees this to feel free to comment, BTW, as then at least I know you were here
I just feel so lost right now. Not just because I have had another loss , either. It just feels like this last one was really it. Like noone understands what I'm going through, or even cares enough to try. I mean, not only did I lose a baby this time- I lost the capability of even considering the kind of birth I would want for that baby. When I lost this baby, I lost any chance of another vaginal birth like Ethan's. I have to have scheduled c-sections from here on out. I hate that idea. Choosing when your baby is going to be born, like it's just another routine visit to the doctor, or a visit from the plumber. I'm sorry if you don't like that analogy, it's just my opinion.
Part of the excitement of being pregnant is wondering when your baby will come, wondering what time of day, what day. I will never get that again. Not to mention that I'm terrified of how long it will take for me to get pregnant with only one tube left. I mean, it took me 9 months the very first time with BOTH.
I think I'm going to stop now while I'm ahead, since this is sounding more & more like a pity party. Maybe tomorrow will be better.
So, I have been home for a week now. I just can't seem to get past the WHY ME feelings. I mean, I haven't ever done anything to anyone. It just sucks so bad. What's worse is that it feels like people think I made it all up. Yeah, okay, like THAT's ever gonna happen. I just hate feeling stuck. Now all my dh can talk about is "when the doctor says we can TTC and we start TTC again" and I still think that our best option is sterilization. I can't do this again. The losses can't keep coming. I AM NOT THE DETROIT LIONS. I cannot justify continuing to try when I know I'll fail. I mean, what's the point in hurting and being disappointed? We have one healthy baby. Why should we push our luck on trying for a second? Obviously it just isn't meant to be for us. Otherwise none of this would happen. Once upon a time I may have believed in miracles, now I don't know if I even believe in anything at all. I have tried the serenity prayer, I have tried every other type of prayer I know, and it just doesn't seem to help. I just end up feeling like a dope. I just end up feeling like I am talking to myself.
On a happier note, I finally got my stuff in to get my pampered chef business off of the ground. I'm really excited as this means that once the ball really gets rolling I will be able to quit my job and become a WAHM. Then I'd get to enjoy the blessing that I do have.
Last edited by KatieWantsABaby; 04-26-2009 at 07:39 PM.
Reason: spelling error
Aww, Cathryn, your post makes me sad I'm sorry that you're hurting so much and that your having a difficult time making a decision on whether to keep TTC or not. Only you know what's best for you and your husband, but I am sending all the positive thoughts I can your way to help heal the hurt You're in my thoughts hun!