Thread: Cassie's Journal

I'm so out of the loop. I went and started filling out my FAFSA application. Got to the part about taxes and had to stop, lol! I need Sean...I don't know anything about that stuff! I figure we did our taxes for 2002. But then they ask what form we filled out and I'm like . Not a clue! So I guess Sean and I will finish that tonight. Dang...I think they ask for your parents SS#. Should've asked while I was on the phone with them. Jeez! Oh well, I see them tomorrow anyway.

I was talking with a friend of mine from high school earlier today. I really can't stand the girl, but put on a happy face whenever we talk cause I don't like to be mean. I'm pretty sure she doesn't care for me either, but like me, just puts on a happy face to spare feelings. Sean says it's cause neither one of us want to let go of the friendship we once had, though there really is no friendship left. She was telling me about another one of our friends that's getting divorced...and she's only been married for a month and a half! And dare I mention that she's due next month with a child that's NOT her husbands! Actually it's her ex/current boyfriend's...who just graduated a few months ago. Then she started telling me about another of our friends that already has an 8 month old, and may be pregnant again. She's not with the father of the first child anymore, and I got the impression that she's not with the second child's father anymore either. I swear. All my friends from high school are beyond stupid. They see me doing very well in life...loving husband, 2 great kids, live in our own house, own 3 vehicles, I don't have to go to work (not saying that being a mom of 2 isn't a job!)...so they figure they can have all that too. So what do they do? They go out and get knocked up by the first guy they come in contact with. Then when that guy leaves them rather than proposes to them...they get mad at ME! It's like, EXCUSE ME! Maybe if they'd take charge of their own lives, instead of trying to follow in my footsteps, maybe something good would happen to them. I hate followers. I've never been a leader...but I was never a follower either. I march to my own beat, and it works just fine for me. Unfortunately, all these old "friends" of mine are so pathetic and stupid that they actually think they'll end up with my life by getting pregnant young. They shouldn't judge by outward appearances. If they spent one day with me they'd see that it's not all about the cute pictures on my website. Every day is full of chaos, and it's rarely good chaos! It's a shame I couldn't have salvaged them...now all but 2 of my friends from high school have a kid. None have 2 yet, though that one girl may be on her way. I really shouldn't care that they did this to themselves. After all, they disowned me when I got pregnant, and called me a liar. Then when I had Jasmine, they were all such phoneys...coming around all the time to see the baby, and never even saying hi to me. Then when Sean and I decided to have Nick, and announced the news that we were pregnant, suddenly I was a ****. And once again, after the baby was here, they all wanted to see the baby, and didn't even notice my presence. One of these days I'm going to crack and tell them all what I really think of them...but until then, I guess I'll be just continue to be as phoney as they are.

This'll be short, cause I have to pack up to leave for my parents soon. We're taking the kids to a fall festival...and I know Jas will really love it!

Anyways, Sean got home really late last night, which upset me, but I didn't let him know. Then we started to finish filling out my health insurance application, and I had to get online to look up a PCP. While reading, I saw that I had to send my first payment with the application. So I went looking for their rates, and when I found them, I was pissed. $260 a month! We don't freaking have that kind of money! We live comfortably, but not THAT comfortably. So then I broke down into tears cause now I have to go till August without insurance (because that's when open season is for Sean's work). What am I going to do? My medication is so expensive, I'd like to start seeing my therapist again (weekly...monthly just isn't enough for me), and I somehow always manage to get strep throat about 5 times every winter. I'm so screwed. And when I started telling Sean how upset I was that I had to go without insurance he turned into the loving, supportive husband I've always known him to be. NOT! He took my head off about how much I complain about stupid stuff. WTF? I, a person who requires quite a bit of medical attention, have to go 10 more months without health insurance. I think that's reason enough to breakdown and cry! I was so pissed at him, I just stopped talking to him. He really angered me...probably more than he ever has before. I remember saying to him "Well maybe I just won't live with you anymore" and I MEANT it. Then he starts getting into the whole "that's not the answer" speach, proceded by the "you're such a worthless wife and mother" speach. Part of me doesn't want to come home from my parents today.

To make my night worse, I saw a story on the news about a guy in Virginia that was sentanced to life in prison for raping a 22 month old. That's how old my daughter is! I swear, my heart skipped a beat when I heard that. Is NO ONE safe anymore? I don't really care what happens to adults anymore, but the CHILDREN? Why can't they leave the children alone? I swear, that bastard got off easy. If that ever happened to my children...the bastard would die a slow painful death at my hands. And no jury in the world would convict me. I feel absolutely terrible for that little girl and her family. That's gotta be the most traumatizing thing that could ever happen to a toddler.

That took way too much time. Off to pack. I guess I'll be home late tonight.

Ugh! Last night made me so mad! I got home, and my internet was down. After a half hour, I called Adelphia, and sat on hold for 40 minutes. Then I talked to a guy, and when he couldn't figure out the problem, he directed my call to a higher up technician. So I sat on hold for another 5 minutes, and that guy couldn't figure out what was wrong. So he said he'd have a maintenence guy come out on Tuesday to fix whatever the problem was. I was so pissed. I have 2 weeks of homework that are late, and wanted to get it all done last night...but I couldn't access the assignments...OR email the instructors to let them know what was up. Not to mention my PO withdrawl, lol! But thank goodness it was back up this morning!

Yesterday was a pretty great day! We took the kids to Summer's Farm, and Jas had a blast. She crawled through tunnels, went through mazes, climbed up hay stacks, went down slides, and got to go on a hay ride. She was so thrilled with everything but the hay ride...but she enjoyed picking out her pumpkin! She wouldn't let it go the rest of the day!

Back at my parents house we had Roy Rogers for dinner, and Jas ate a lot of chicken. As it got later, Nick was requiring more attention, and we could tell Jas was getting jealous. So we took her in the other room and played with her cloth makeup set, then with some balls, and then with a balloon. She was very happy after all that. I also caught her dancing with the video option on my digital camera. Too funny!

Anyways, that's about all that happened. Oh yeah, my brother's boss is marrying a girl I knew from high school. I can't stand this girl! And my brother's going to be a groomsman...HA! LOL...and my parents went to Charlestown on Friday night and came home up for the first time ever! I hope this doesn't encourage them to go more often!!

I ended up going back to my parent's house today. I was feeling really sick to my stomach and had a terrible headache, so I figured I could use some help. The day didn't turn out too bad. I was rather upset because it was gorgeous out today...and we cancelled our trip to the zoo because they were calling for rain.

I'm still feeling pretty crappy right now. The thought of doing my homework is just too overwhelming to me, so I'm just going to play around on the computer until Sean gets home. I'll do my homework in the morning. It's just been one of those days.

I spent most of this morning updating my family website. I added some new pages, and even a videos section! There's only 2 videos on there now, but now that I've got it started, there's nothing keeping me from adding more. I don't want to overdue it though. Maybe 1 video a month...and just alternate which kid to tape.

Well, speaking of my website, I have a few corrections to make, and then I'm off to share with all my online buddies!

I am so sick of Sean's crap. I swear, I don't think I can put up with it any longer. We can never have an argument without him turning it all around and placing all the blame on me. What am I supposed to do? Cage all my feelings inside so he doesn't have to deal with it? It's healthy for me to express how I'm feeling. Why does he have to slam my feelings and make me feel worse?

He says I'm not supportive of his job. Quite the opposite. Have I left him like half of the manager's wives have? No. Have I cheated on him like the other half of the manager's wives have? No. I'd say I'm damn supportive of his job. I can't help it that I feel lonely. He works 60+ hours a week, is never home for breakfast or dinner, is at work very late at night...that's an awful lot of time away from us. I know it could be worse and he could be away at Iraq like a lot of husband's out there are...but since I'll never be in that situation, I can't place myself there to make myself feel luckier. All I can do is see the situation I'm in, and I don't like it. I really don't think I can deal with it much longer. I mean, is it really worth it to be in a lifestyle that makes me so upset, just because there's a possibility 10 years down the road that he could own a franchise and work only the hours he wants to?

The thing that started the argument was me talking about college. I told him that when I start school, I'm going to need him here more. I'm only going to be taking 2 classes, and only going 2 days a week...but I may have quite a load of homework. I'm going to need him here at a decent time in the evenings so I can get it all done so I can actually pass the classes. I'm not going to ignore my children so I can do homework. Then he starts in on me about how life isn't easy and I just have to deal with what's handed to me. Like I didn't already know that...I'm a 20 year old mother of 2 for god's sake. But you'd think he'd at least try to make my workload easier. Maybe I should drop the kids off at his work sometime and see how he feels about that. He's such a jerk.

I'm just tired of being lonely and him only seeing his side of things. He thinks I don't know that he works hard to put a roof over my head, food on the table, and clothes on my back. He thinks I don't understand that when he's at work he'd rather be here, and when he gets called in, he really doesn't want to go in. He thinks I don't care how overworked and stressed out he is. But does he take the time to see where I'm coming from? Absolutely not. He doesn't care that my depression has gotten so bad that I sometimes question my ability to care for the kids. In his mind, he's done his part by just buying my medication. He doesn't care that every week I count down the minutes until his day off, and when it finally gets here, he disappoints me by going into work. He doesn't care that I'm lonely and despirate for some family time. There are some days that he doesn't even see the kids, and that's just wrong. I'm a strong believer in family before work...unfortunately, he doesn't share that belief.

I've been thinking about leaving for a while now. Not getting a divorce...just seperating for a month or so. Give us some time to cool off and sort things out. I'll miss him like crazy...but something tells me he won't miss me. I wouldn't be surprised if I hear comments about how clean the house has been since I left, and what better sleep he's been getting. Unfortunately I have nowhere to go, so I'm forced to stay here. My best bet is to set up the guest bedroom and just move my things into there. Which is probably what I'll do. It's just so depressing.

Sean's reign as an *** continues. He left 3 hours ago to take the paperwork to New Market, and he's still not back yet. That trip easily takes an hour and a half to get there and back...especially since the office is closed today and there's no one there that he'd talk to. Unless he started talking to Todd at the store, which is a pretty big possibility. Even then, the trip shouldn't have taken more than 2 hours. He's just trying to be a jerk, I'm sure. Leave it to him to go and make things worse between us. Part of me wants to call him to see what's taking so long...but the other part of me doesn't want him to think that I want him home (cause I really don't). I just thought he'd be anxious to get back to talk things out. I guess not.

My marriage is ending.

Well, he finally got home. Seems he had a tire blow out. When he got home we talked a little bit. There for a while it seemed that we were splitting up, but we got past it and by the time he left for work we were both smiling and laughing. We still have a lot to talk about though.

I made some brownies! Just waiting for them to cool. I can't wait to eat them! Jas is still napping, and I'm rocking Nick in his carseat. He's starting to fuss though. Who knows why! Oh, I see. He spit up all over himself and his carseat. Yuck! Better go clean him up!

Wow, I didn't post at all yesterday! Shame on me! Was very busy!

Yesterday:

First thing in the morning Sean and I took the kids to Gold's Gym. We left the kids at their daycare and got a tour of the place. Jas wasn't too happy about us leaving her, but the ladies watching the kids said she calmed down after about 10 minutes and started to play. Anyways, we joined!!! I was so excited! Cost a LOT of money, but oh well...I need to lose this weight. When we went to pick up the kids, Jas didn't want to leave, lol! She also fell at some point in time, because she had a big red mark down her forehead and nose. She didn't seem to care though! After that, we came home and Sean went to his meeting. I took the kids to his parents house, where we waited until he got out of his meeting. Found out that Kathy had her baby on the 13th...Kristin McKayla! A new baby in the family! Sean says we're going to go visit them next Sunday. I'm sure Jas would love to play with cousin Shannon for the first time ever! When Sean's mom got home, she watched the kids while Sean took me out to dinner. It was our "Farewell to Junk Food" dinner, lol! And it didn't cost us anything, cause Sean won Manager of the Month (again, hehe!) and had $60 worth of gift certificates for Outback Steakhouse. I'm not one to eat steak at restaurants, but I went ahead and gave it a try. It was too peppery for my taste! Then we went back and picked up the kids. When we were leaving, it was pouring rain, and there was even some lightning. I beat Sean home, cause he had a stop to make, so I just waited in my car until he got there and could help me take the kids in. Jas stayed asleep, but Nick woke up. So we took him downstairs and Sean fed him, and we watched Matrix Reloaded (the reason Sean had to stop somewhere). Just like the first one, I was confused as all get out, and kept asking questions all through the movie. In the end, I understood most of it. I'm sure Sean's going to drag me out next month to see the third one in the theaters. That'll suck, cause I'll have to be quiet, and not ask a ton of questions! Anyways, after the movie, we went to bed. I was exhausted!

Today:

Morning came too soon! I didn't want to wake up! But I had to, cause Sean was leaving for work. First I called in my refill on Zyrtec...Sean will pick that up on his way home. Then I made Jas and me some breakfast. I really didn't want to eat, cause I was so excited about going to the gym today! But I forced it, and felt like I was going to puke the rest of the morning. Then I packed up the kids, and headed outside where the wind was blowing like crazy! Got to the gym at about 10:30, and dropped the kids off. Nick was very cranky, but Jas jumped right into playing with the kids. But when I was heading out, she came over crying. I told her I'd be back a little later, and then she walked back over to the kids. So went out and was so nervous about working out. I didn't know how to work the machines, and I was so embarrassed becasue I was the fattest person there! So I hopped on a tredmill, cause those have got to be some of the easiest things out there. There were so many buttons, lol! And it figures that the first thing I'd touch WOULDN'T be a button!! I hope no one was watching! But I figured it out and got going. Only I made the thing go to fast, so I'm scrambling, pressing everything I see, trying to make it slower. Finally got it, and then didn't have any problems. I walked for 13 minutes, then upped the speed for another 13 minutes, and then lowered it for another 13 minutes. Walked a little over a mile, and burned a little over 100 calories (which basically cancels out my breakfast). Then I went to check out the women's locker room. Pretty nice! I was going to go back out and give the bikes a try, but figured I wouldn't overdo it just yet, so I went back in to get the kids. Just like yesterday, Jas didn't want to leave. Nick was sleeping away, which was pretty nice! I eventually got hold of Jas, and man did she stink! So I changed her diaper, then put her jacket on, and took the kids out to the car. I can't get over the wind today! Got home and went to get the mail, and the wind had blown my mailbox open and my mail was spread throughout the street. I hope I got it all...I'd hate for us to be late on a bill.

I don't feel at all worn out from working out this morning. My hair's a little damp from sweating, but that's about it. I don't think the cardio machines are going to hurt me too much. The Guts and Butts class I'll be taking on Monday nights will likely destroy me though, lol! Anytime I ever work my abs, I'm hurting the next day. But that's my main area of focus right now, so what can I do! I'm hoping I'll be able to go out this weekend and buy some clothes to exercise in. I look so grungy wearing these paint stained sweat pants and Sean's torn"Class of 98" t-shirt. People probably think I can't afford the gym and just walked in off the street, lol!

The rest of today will be spent with the kids and cleaning. My goals today are to organize Jasmine's books, put the toys in the toy box, vacuum up the formula and goldfish cracker crumbs, get the bottles in the kitchen, unload the dishwasher, clean the kitchen counter, and clear off the kitchen table. Sean should be satisfied with that. And tonight I'll take a shower as soon as Sean gets home, and then do my overdue homework. This is my busiest day yet, lol!

Well, I've got the kitchen clean, so that takes care of some of my tasks for today. Still have to do the living room though. I'll wait a little longer though, till Jas goes to sleep. No point in putting everything away just so she can tear it all out again!

Kind of a boring post I know! Both kids are being angels right now, so I have nothing better to do. Well, my homework, but that'll take a few hours, and I don't want to start it if I can't stay here until I finish it.

Guess I'll go check out what's happening on the other boards!

So I had something really long typed out and somehow lost it all . So to sum up: I hate *****es and fakers/liars! Why don't people get lives?!?

Anyways, I have lunch with one of the newbies from my playgroup today. I have to drive an hour to get there though, which really sucks. I have to get gas in my car, so I hope there's money in my checking account. Fortunately I have some birthday cash left over so I'm able to buy lunch. Gotta remember to eat healthy, cause I'm on a diet now! Guess it's good that we're going to Burger King though, cause I hate their food, lol!

When I get home I'll have to clean the living room. I never got around to it last night cause Sean got home early. I was up way past midnight doing all my homework. There was more than usual, but I got it all done. Fortunately the instructors were understanding of what's been going on here, and had no problem giving me an extention. I'm very glad I got it all turned in though, cause otherwise I wouldn't get my certificate, and then I'd have to retake (and repay) for the class. November 1st begins the next session! I'll be taking PhotoShop 7 II, Illustrator 10 I, and Dreamweaver MX I. I'll be VERY busy during those weeks, I'm sure. Yay for me, I guess!

I just remembered that I'll be in the area. I should stop by my HS and get my transcript form filled out and visit my teacher! WOO HOO!