Ciar uncovered
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  1. #1
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    Default Ciar uncovered

    03-06-2003

    So, this is going to be long, hard, and not too nice. I have decided
    in order to get rid of my stress, feelings of unwantedness, and over
    all paranoia, that I should start a journal. And since I have so little
    time in the day anyway, Ill do this while being in chat.

    So... To start, Chris finally proposed. It was sweet. I cried
    (about 2 hours after he did it, but hey). We set the date last week.
    May 31st. I have 83 days till the wedding. I have decided between two
    dress styles. Halter top or strapless. Chris said he would prefer
    strapless, but that would mean I have to loose 30 lbs instead of just
    the 20 I was going to loose. Ah well, I have about 60 something days
    to do that then. Starting today Ill loose it the only way I can. Eat
    less, drink only water and diet soda, and stop sitting on my *** in
    front of the tv for 6 hours a day.

    Cleaned the house up today. Looks much better. Worked up a sweat doing
    it too. Which is good. Jayme is getting better at letting mommy do
    things without spending all my time with her. Before if I wasnt in her
    site she was crying, now she has her boucey chair activity bar to
    keep her ocupied. WOOHOO

    Shes getting so big. 11.9lbs. 2 months old. God I cant believe she was
    born 2 months ago. Seems like yesterday I was *****ing cuz I was
    ctrxing every 5 min for 2 months. Ah, well time flies when your being
    mom/maid/everything.

    Im ok tho. No appriciation sometimes, but I deal. Chris is loving most
    of the time, our fights last all of 5 min now, and I cant even
    remember the last real fight we had. He gets cranky sometimes, but so
    do I. Plus birthcontrol makes me extra *****y anyway, so the first week
    after AF leaves Im mean. Oh well.

    Im fat. Yes, its true. I am fat. I dont look like it with clothes on,
    but if you saw me naked.... ick.... lol Ok, forget that image. Im over
    it.

    Hey, this is pretty theraputic. Next thing you know Ill be telling my
    deepest secret..... HAHAHAH NOT

  2. #2
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    Default 03-11-2003

    SO why do ex girlfriends always have to show up just when you DONT WANT
    THEM LIVING ANYMORE?? Yes, harsh. I know. Screw being nice.
    Chris's ex was talking to SIL the other day. Asked about MY baby. SIL says
    "Jayme is doing great. Shes 11.9lbs already." Stupid hoe asked how much
    she weighed at birth and how old she is Sil said " She was 7lbs and is now
    10 weeks" Stupid hoe says " Oh, so she feeds her to get her to shut up
    huh? Baby will be fat like her mother."

    WTF?!?!?! Who asked her? Shes fat too. Atleast I am TRYING to loose the
    weight. Atleast I WAS looking REALLY good right before I got PG. Atleast I
    can look good AGAIN. Im so sorry I took MY man back from you. I am so
    freaking sorry we had a rough time, and broke up. Im so sorry he wanted
    sex and you gave it up without thinking twice (or even THINKING ABOUT IT
    AT ALL). I am so sorry your a hoe. Im sorry you think that just because
    you were with him LESS THEN A MONTH that means you deserve him, or get him.
    NO He loves ME. Get over it. You were a peice of ***. He doesnt like to
    be alone. Little does she know that he was thinking of ME the entire time.
    It was ME he called at night when she was working. It was ME he left her
    for when he found out I was carrying HIS child. HA... let her think what
    she wants. Let her WANT him all she wants. She can moan her loss till the
    end of eternity for all I care. I know who hes with. I know who hes
    marrying. I know who he loves. I just dont like it that she called my
    PIGLET fat. My baby is not fat damnit.

    Ok... on to better things. Got the budget down to 2150... woohoo... Thats
    including the dress, viel, shoes, undergarments, and such... plus food,
    reception hall and the place the wedding will take place. Blah... too much
    to do, too little time. I ONLY have 70 somthing days

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    03-11-2003


    Ok so yeah, Im not the best person moral wise. Im not the kindest woman
    on the face of this earth. Ill key your damn car if you park where you
    arent supossed to park. Damnit, I have a 55 yr old MIL living with me.
    When the *** with two mini vans takes up BOTH spaces close to her door,
    Ill take revenge thank you. MIL has knee probs. She cant walk too far
    without them swelling up and hurting. We have a 4 space parking lot right
    out front of our side of the complex. 4 units on this side, 4 spaces. THE
    IDIOTS NEXT DOOR PARK BOTH OF THIER VANS IN THESE SPACES AND SHE CANT PARK.
    On person has a van that doesnt even work parked there. They live on the

    other side of our next door ppls. So, we have 3 mini vans and a car. NONE
    of which belong to us. The person at the far end never moves (she doesnt
    work, but always has traffic comeing in and out.. wonder what SHES doing
    to pay rent) and so her car rarly moves. I think its just unfair. I am
    writing a very strongly opinionated letter to the landlord about this.
    wonder if I can get Brookes help.

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    03-15-2003

    STRONG LANGUAGE: BEWERE



    Get off you damn ***. Get out of my face. I hate hoes. I hate little girls
    trying to dress way above their age. This fat little 18yr old girl was
    trying to get Chris to go home with her. She had 2 kids (both hers) one
    was about 17 months and the other was around 3 months. Come on now... We
    went to the welfare office to tell my case worker that we no longer used
    Medicaid (even for Jayme) and to stop sending us letters and cards. I no
    sooner get in line and Chris sits down, then this ***** scoots over next
    to him and starts hitting on him. I get through the line (slow day thank
    God) and I go back to him and I say " Get away from my husband" SHe looks
    me up and down, looks at Chris and MY BABY, and says " Oh, well I didnt
    know he was attached." OMG he has a baby for gods sake. I almost decked
    her. Chris told me he kept telling her to get lost, and by the look on
    his face the entire time they were talking I believe him.

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    03-17-2003


    Now here you go again
    You say you want your freedom
    Well who am I to keep you down
    It's only right that you should
    Play the way you feel it
    But listen carefully to the sound
    Of your loneliness
    Like a heartbeat .. drives you mad
    In the stillness of remembering what you had
    And what you lost ...
    And what you had ...
    And what you lost

    Thunder only happens when it's raining
    Players only love you when they're playing
    Say .. Women ... they will come and they will go
    When the rain washes you clean .. you'll know

    Now here I go again, I see the crystal visions
    I keep my visions to myself
    It's only me
    Who wants to wrap around your dreams and ...
    Have you any dreams you'd like to sell?
    Dreams of loneliness ...
    Like a heartbeat ... drives you mad ...
    In the stillness of remembering what you had ...
    And what you lost ...
    And what you had ...
    And what you lost

    Thunder only happens when it's raining
    Players only love you when they're playing
    Say .. Women ... they will come and they will go
    When the rain washes you clean .. you'll know




    Dreams by Fleetwood Mac.... hhmmm

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    03-17-2003


    Ok. Im a f***ing bad mother. I drank ONE beer in front of my 2 1/2 month
    old. She will now be scared for life. But... Whats this? You (the person
    who is condeming me to a life of bad motherhood and saying I will make my
    daughter need therapy in 15 years) goes to the bar everynight. You bring
    home strange men to sleep with them. You smoke weed in front of your
    child. You smoke cig. while you were preg. with both children. You had
    to sign over your parental rights to your father for your 12 yr old, while
    you keep your son so you can hold on to his father, which didnt work in
    the first place, as he LEFT YOUR FAT ***. You ridicule me because I weigh
    20lbs more then I should. News flash, I JUST HAD A BABY. You had your
    last child 8 YEARS AGO. Whats your excuse?


    I am so sick of this *****. Chris has told her he doesnt want her. He has
    told her to leave me alone. To stop calling. SIL let a phsyco into our
    lives, and now I cant get rid of her. Short of a restraining order the
    only thing left to do is beat the hell out of her, and i like to believe
    that I am now above that. I am no longer 16. I cant take my anger out by
    kicking ppls ***'s anymore. So what do I do? Turn the other cheek? Go to
    church and put this in Gods hands? Leave it be and hope that she
    eventually leaves me and Chris alone? HA...... Ill think of something,
    but for now I will just have to come up with nasty comments back to her.
    I feel like im in freaking 4th grade again.

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    03-18-2003




    and even


    The dr website says I am obese. My BMI is 35, which is 5 points higher
    then a fat person. WTF?? Plus the chart says I, being 5' 7 1/2" should
    only weigh 147lbs. Um... HELLO! I look ill at 160, why do I need to be
    147. So I can look like a skinny little hoe? No thanks. I look damn good
    at 190, and I look awesome at a 180, so there. I dont want to weigh 147.
    I might get my *** kicked from lack of strength. Id be all skin and bones
    with no meat. Id loose Chris (he likes my *** ) ... so and

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    03-19-2003


    Geez its slow tonight. Im bored.. when Im bored I eat. I ate some mini
    corn dogs (only 6) some fries (half of what I normally eat), a bag of
    popcorn (no butter, no salt)and half a bag of Ritz crackers. Plus 2 beers.
    and a bunch of Diet Cokes. Not too bad... I normally eat more. Im working
    on cutting back. Blah

    So, pretty quiet at home too. Nothing happened today. The hoe left me
    alone (of course Ive been online all day)... um.... Chris is nicer lately.
    Yep, life is peachy.

    Mmmhhmmm Bowl of cherries. Peaches N cream.. neato... grovy... so why do
    feel like ****?

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    03-21-2003


    Bought my dress. NOT the one I wanted, but hell, its pretty. I need to
    loose some weight tho. Not as much as I thought I was going to have to
    loose. Im gonna try to loose to where it fits perfectly and stay there so
    I dont have to spend $$$ on alterations. *sigh*[/b]

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    03-22-2003

    WTF is wrong with him? MIL and I went to price cakes today. Found a
    nice one. Gonna get it. Then we went to SIL's where Chris was. Sil's
    *** fiance had a friend over who has a 2 yr old. Well the 2 yr old was
    sick, so as we are walking up the walk Chris comes out and says, " you
    cant bring the baby in, Ash is sick" I said, " so what do you want to
    do?" Meaning, do you want me to let MIL take her and me stay, me go
    home with the baby, YOU GO HOME WITH US? What? He blows up " I dont
    know, you just cant bring the baby inside." OKKKKKKKK.... Flippin yell
    at me. So I put the baby in the car, and go back in to talk to him.
    I ask quietly if he would come out and talk to me... we get 4 steps
    from the door and he yells at me again, storms back in. STUPID me, goes
    in after him. Well, in the end, he ends up telling me to go the f**k
    home. FINE.... I dont care. F**k him. That was at 12... its now 5...
    WTH am I going to do. Im so depressed. Crying at every little thing.
    Ive cleaned the living room, bedroom, and bathroom. Nothing left to
    clean. I called and told SIL to tell him dinner is at 6... I dont care
    if he comes home.

    I dont. Really.......



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