Ok, so he came home FINALLY at 11 pm. WTF was he doing the entire day?
Fixing his truck. Why? Cuz thats what he does. Why was he so pissd he
yelled at me? Stressed about the wedding. WHY? He doesnt have anything to
do. He doesnt have to call a bunch of ppl, talk to a bunch of rude ***
women, make a bunch of plans that someone ALWAYS tells me is wrong anyway
.... Im so sick of this ****. If anyone has the right to go completely
balistic and yell at the other, its ME. I am the one who is super stressed,
PMSing, and feeling completly unappreciated. Geez.
Secondly I think Jayme might be teething. SHES ONLY 3 MONTHS...... shes
been eating her fist, drooling non-stop, and has been EXTRA SUPER fussy
for the past 3 days. She wont suck on her binky, and when shes done with
her bottle she wants to chew the nipple. I dont know if this is teething,
but damn if its not agravating me.
Wedding? Im not so sure anymore. My flippin parents havent sent ANY money
for it. I got the dress only because my grandmother paid for it,
expecting my father to pay her back. I had to listen to THAT ***** fest
for a whole 5 days. Im so sick of her being overbearing and pushy. ITS MY
WEDDING. Let me do it MY way.
Im also so pissed at my step FIL... every day when he gets home he sneaks
into our living room and scares the living hell out of me. BOO! GOD Its
annoying. I tell him every day to please stop, and he just doesnt. I think
Ill talk to MIL about it... I need to get out of the house.
Yeah... thats almost about it..... I need to seriously talk to someone
about this.... Tash isnt into talking right now.. she just had her baby
(which Im sooo happy for her about).... Life sucks *** sometimes.
Sick. Im so sick of this. I get a call today from my mom. Screaming in
the background, crying, crashes. My dad is drunk, my mom is drunk, my
sister is crying. Aparently my father hit my sister. Guess who they call.
ME.... WHy am I the only stable one in our family? Oh well. ALl I have to
say is My sister is comeing to live with us, and thats that. Nothing they
can say will make me change my mind.
Ok, so Chris thinks its a good idea that we take my sister. She needs to
move out here. Like NOW. Ill have to get her into school, MIL said its ok
with them, and we can make room in Jaymes room for her to sleep. Im
thinking its gonna be ok. Im a little worried about taking care of a 13
yr old, but this way Ill be able to get a job this summer and not worry
about Jayme. Of course, me being the paranoid ***** that I am......
well...... lets not go THERE.
And then...... No and then, cuz now Chris thinks its a BAD idea to take
Dre, cuz we dont have money. Um..... WTF would you flippin tell me its
ok, have me tell my mom its ok, then tell me ... NO..... UGH>.... No
matter how much I love him, he pisses me off sometimes BAD... Almost
every answer he gives me is " i dunno" or "maybe" He cant ever say Yes,
No, well talk about it....... No, gotta be freakin dificult.
Im going to tell my grandmother that I found a Tailor and he needs the
dress a month and a half before the wedding, just to get the dress here.
She'll never know, and she wont check up on it. Im so pissed about that
too. Telling me that my own mother doesnt need to see my wedding dress,
and that noone else needs to see it either. Screw her. This is MY freaking
wedding. If I want everyone (except Chris) to see the damn dress, Ill let
everyone see the damn dress. Its MY decision.
Anyway, Jaymes teething. Getting worse. Shes fussier, shes got a fever
today.. poor baby. All those commercials on Tv that say having a baby
changes everything is the best damn thing Ive ever seen on a commercial.
I thought I was ready for a baby. I was kinda, but hey, its more work
then anyone told me. Im doing good tho. I think... I havent killed her
yet, so thats a good sign. Shes too cute.... I love my baby.
Well.... Got my new pills today. I have more energy. He had to prescribe
my diet pills cuz aparnetly I am allergic to ephedrrin and i need to
loose weight. It sucks that I need diet pills just to loose 20-30 lbs,
but I cant do it on my own. I walk, do crunches, tried Tai Bo (or however
you spell it) nothing works, I just keep gaining, or stay the same. SO I
have help. even just taking 3 today I have more enerrgy. I cleaned the
house from top to bottom. Feels good to be able to do that and not have
to sit down every 10 min. Ah well.... screw it, im not sad. Im actually
happy Ill be able to loose this weight for sure. I wasnt so sure about my
ability to do it on my own in the first place, no there is no question.
Anyway, things are going ok with wedding plans I guess. Im not too far
behind. Tomorrow Bobi and I are going to go look at Bridesmaids dresses.
We might find one that She and SIL can rent cheap.
Well geez. Im not surprise Bobi had to back out at the LAST min. I go to
pick her up and find out she has to babysit cuz her stupid sister doesnt
want to get offline to do it. Talk about lazy.
So Ill have to take the truck again on Friday and we will do it then.
maybe SIL can go with us. ROTFLMAO.
Why does Chris NOT appriciate anything I do? We broke up cuz I wasnt
cleaning or cooking, and now that the house is clean EVERY day, and I
cook when MIL doenst want to, its the same. I cant do anything to please
him. Last night he told me about this guy getting fired for not calling
in sick. His wife called up there looking for him for something and they
said hes not there. She says well where is he? So needless to say HEs in
trouble. So Chris asks me what Id do if HE did that. I cant believe him.
He *****es SOOO freakin much about me being paranoid, then askes me that.
On top of that, he says " I should try that" I ask where would you go?
Then the fight is on. Asshole.
I feel so unloved sometimes. Why does he have to do that? Why? I just
break down and cry so much sometimes. I was doing SO good about not
thinking about him cheating. I thought I was beyond that, cuz I figured
that he wouldnt be marrying me if he was goin to cheat on me. Well now im
being paranoid again. The same thoughts keep running through my mind all
day "if he did, who would it be with? Would she be prettier then me,
skinnier, or ugly and fat?"
I mean damn... why do that to someone? Im so depressed now. He will be
home in an hour (He SHOULD be home in an hour i should say) and I dont
know what Im going to say to him. Im a mega *****. If I get some thought
on my mind I either have to forget it, or talk about it.
On top of all that Im SOOO way behind on this damn wedding. I dont have
the Church booked, I dont have the hall booked, I havent even LOOKED at
invitations, and dont even think about florists or tailors. Maybe I
should just forget about getting married. Hell, I dont NEED a wedding.
I dont NEED to marry the man I love even though he doesnt love me and
could care less if I die, cuz he would only get another girlfriend (I
asked, he said he would just get another G/F if I died) and life would go
on. Well, I dont want my baby being raised by some hoe he found. Ill keep
living thank you.
I dont know why I think about **** like that. I just do.
Lost another pound. Yay.... Chris thinks Im fat. He told me so. He doesnt
think Im pretty. He didnt say, but I know. What am I going to do? Im
loosing weight, Im cleaning every day. Im cooking. Im taking care of HIS
baby. Ya know, he wanted a DNA test when he first found out about our
baby. When she was born, looking JUST like him, he droped that idea. He
knows shes his. It makes me so mad that SIL keeps bringing it up. Like
she doesnt think Jayme is Chris's. F**K her. Sometimes I hate her. Not to
mention Chris wont even hold me at night anymore. He shows no emotion cept
to Jayme. Before she was born he didnt even show emotion at all. Its
like Im not good enough to hold, and dont even think about him saying I
love you to me. HA! Like THATS ever gonna happen.
Speaking of SIL, her *** of a b/f is going to go to jail if he doesnt stop
smoking weed and whiping his kids with a belt. Hes soon to be ex wife is
taking him back to court to fight for custody. Aparently she got off drugs
herself, got a job, and thinks she deserves the kids now. HA.... those
boys should go to foster care, and both of those "adults" should go to
jail. SIL should leave his *** high and dry. Shes so blind to him. It
Anyway.. Jayme is still teething. Shes fussy. I better go before Chris
gets home. He'll get pissed if he even reads the first LINE of this.
I dont feel like fighting with him.
Well I have been super busy. I can tell, this was almost on the 3rd page.
Found alot of stuff for the wedding Sat. and put it on layaway. $129 !!
I cant believe I almost spent that much, plus I bought my first
scrapbooking stuff. I already have about 5 pages made out and ready for
pic, so whenever MIL decides to print them out, Ill be good to go for
another 5 pages. I need to go to dollar gen and get some stickers and see
if I can find some other stuff to put into it. I can see why stuff can be
so expensive for it, but I wont be going to a reg. scrapbooking store all
the time (once every 4-6 months Chris told me) so Ill have to find stuff
for cheap. But Im proud of what I have done, and Chris (amazingly) told me
its beautiful with out me asking what he thought. I was so surprised. I
kept having nightmeres about him being an *** all the time, but lately
(the past 3 days) he has been super sweet and caring. Not so much cuddly
and touchy feely, but more open with his thoughts then he normally is.
Hes not really one to show emotion.
I mean, I love this man with all my heart, but this is all new to me. Im
not used to being in the same relationship for so long. Chris and I have
been together for almost 2 1/2 years now. I cant believe it. Jayme will be
5 months when we get married. Its amazing to me. For a while I thought
that I was unlovable, unreachable, and unwanted. SOmeone to beat up on,
someone to step on, to break, to try to shape. It almost killed me. I am
glad I got out when I did. I lost a child in the process, but honestly I
dont think that if that baby had been born, it would have been happy. It
was a bad situation from the start, and its better this way.
I still wonderabout it though. I wonder what it would have been, if Chris
would have excepted it. Oh, he says he would have, and I know he loves me
because he said that, but it wouldnt have been HIS, and it makes me wonder.
Hes so loving with Jayme. Hes such a good daddy, and I knew he would be.
Ah, well Ive been up long enough. I have so much more to write about, but
can hardly keep my eyes open. I cant even spell. Ive had to go back and
make corrections so many times, its not even funny. Blah... more
tomorrow... just had to get this all out.
These last few days have been pretty good. Got a few more pages done,
but I have no pics printed out to do anything with, and getting MIL and
FIL to do anything right away is like pulling teething. I mean, they said
they would do it, and I know they will, but I dont want to wait a month
for them to do it, so Ill prolly end up nagging her about it tongiht. I
want to get these pages finished so I can go buy more stickers and start
Wedding plans are at a standstill, as I have NO money to put on anything.
As soon as Im done with this Ill get off line and call about that old
house for the reception hall. I cant believe the activitly hall at the
rec center doesnt allow drinking or smoking even outside. WTF? Oh well,
they just lost $300 for that. Ill go somewhere else. Then I went to the
VFW and they want $600 for the skanky looking room, $50 for the kitchen
and $75 for the bar, plus an additional $75 for the bar tender. NO! So
there goes THAT idea.
Jaymes teething is .... going. She had a bad fever last night, and I
almost flipped out. Shes fine today, other then its FREEZING and noone
bothered to turn the heater on this morning before they left for work
(no, not *****ing about Chris this time, its MIL) and when FIL got home
he turned the FREAKING AC on. Turns the heater OFF, and thinks that its
gonna be ok. So all the heat that I had in here is gone cuz I didnt
realize what he did till Jayme started shivering. Soooo yelled about
that and turned the heater back to 87. HA... they can pay the electricity
this month. Im so sick of them sometimes. Blah
Yeah. Chris and I are doing well now. Hes not being an ***, but thats
probably cuz I cleaned the entire house, and cooked him his fav. dinner
last night. Extra Spicey Tacos. He loves my tacos. Go figure. Tonight we
get to go to Grans, and I get to listen to her ***** and moan about
stupid stuff. I wish for once someone would tell me what a good job Im
doing, how I dont complain (here at home. LOL I know I complain online)
and how good Im doing with the baby, how Im not really stressing all that
bad (HA) about wedding plans. How good Im looking, and how much weight
It would be nice to feel appriciated once in a while. I dont even
remember the last time someone told me i was doing a good job. Chris
loves me, I know, but it would also be nice to be told. In the 2 1/2
years we've been together he has NEVER told me he loves me. Just once.....
only once... Id be happy. One time.
So I hate AOL. Yep, I cant post anything unless I do it with IE, but in order to have IE going I need AOL up and online. ARG. So Im posting as fast as I can then Im going into chat. SOOOO
We got the suburban towed to Chris's friends house sat. and they started hooking up stereo stuff. Well Lynnette and I went and got two 12 packs of Budweiser. Now, Chris and I dont drink Bud, we drink BudLight. Yes, we do. So needless to say, Bud kicked our ***'s and Chris got WASTED. I drank maybe 5 beers and was drunk. I sobered up enough to drive us home, but he kept drinking. So going home I had to keep pulling over to let him throw up. ICKYNESS. We get home, he passes out on the couch with a pot to puke in, and I order me a pizza cuz I hadnt eaten all day. (bad thing when drinking beer) I eat, watch a movie (a really messed up movie. Bones, staring Snoop Dogg.... it was... interesting?) So, got Chris awake enough to get to bed. He proceeds to throw up on BOTH my comforters, so I have to throw one in the wash, and get MILS extra one, which was all lumpy and icky and I didnt like it. So at about 5 am he wakes up and makes me go to MILS room to get some advil (Oh MIL and Gary were camping this weekend, so we had the house to ourselves HEHE) and I get the Advil, and we got something to drink, and went back to sleep. Sunday morning (yeah, um 5 am is NOT morning to us, its still the middle of the night. DUH!!) we wake up and go to my grandmothers, who proceeds to tell me how to raise my daughter. UM>...... ggggggrrrrrrrr Then, Chris goes to work last night in the rain (pouring down rain. Stupid Texas weather) and My sister calls me. She whines about going to school here when she gets here, how shes not gonna make any friends, and how all the guys probably wear straight leg jeans and cowboy hats. UM yeah, especially since half the boys in the nearest Jr High are skaters, the other half wanna be gangstas, I imagine that they all like to wear sh!tkicker gear. Yeah, uh huh.
Went to the new OB this mornine. Not pg, and its mostly stress making me late, and these damn diet pills. Who would have thought. Also the cyst doesnt need to be removed till its a bit bigger if it gets bigger, otherwise its an unneccesary surgery, and those are EXPENSIVE. Soooo thats good for me. Still havent started, but Im not stressing anymore... cuz................................. today we went to Chris's dads, and he writes out a check to cover the cost of the church YAY CHRIS"S DADDY!!! And says we can have the reception at his house, and he will pay for some stuff too. IM LOVING CHRIS"S DADDY!! So less stress for me.
and that was my super fun weekend that I dont want to repeat.