Dancing in the tide

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Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852
Dancing in the tide

It seems throughout my lifelong trials and tribulations there has hardly been a situation for which there was not a Garth Brooks song to either laugh and love with me or to console and cry with me. Though I have not remained solely faithful and monogamous to my dear Garth, he has always been there for me and, no doubt, will continue to occupy a monopoly of memory in my MP-3 player until the end. Perhaps not the most popular current artist, he will always be "the one", my home base, my fortress in times of need. I thought it only fitting to title my journal after one of his lyrics, since his melodies have always been an inspiration to me.

And as much as I hate reading song lyrics in other peoples' posts, I will follow suit and post lyrics to "The River" because it reminds me to never give up, learn from the past but don't look back, focus on where I'm headed, plan to navigate the waters, and above-all, remember that I am second-mate on board my own ship--God is in control of my journey. Though I might have a hold of the wheel, he controls the wind in my sails, the sun in my sky, the fish below that fill my belly, and the waters that rage beneath my vessel.

"You know a dream is like a river
Ever changin' as it flows
And a dreamer's just a vessel
That must follow where it goes
Trying to learn from what's behind you
And never knowing what's in store
Makes each day a constant battle
Just to stay between the shores.. and

I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry

Too many times we stand aside
And let the waters slip away
'Til what we put off 'til tomorrow
Has now become today
So don't you sit upon the shoreline
And say you're satisfied
Choose to chance the rapids
And dare to dance the tide.. yes

I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry

And there's bound to be rough waters
And I know I'll take some falls
But with the good Lord as my captain
I can make it through them all.. yes

I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry

Yes, I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
'Til the river runs dry"

And, though this journal will largely be cathartic for me, any readers are welcome to comment in my journal!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

:clappy: Elicia, you're the best writer ever! Biggrin I am so glad you took the plunge. Biggrin Tim is a big Garth-lover as well, but the only Garth song I like is, "Thunder rolls". Lol I know, sacrilegious! I can't wait to get a glimpse (or several!) into your life. Biggrin

Sandy

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Hi Sandy! Great to see you here--thanks for posting! As a matter of fact I have no qualms with "The Thunder Rolls", especially the 3rd verse that isn't recorded on most albums where she gets even with her cheatin' man at the end:cool:
-----------------

What's on my mind tonight, journal? Co-sleeping, or lack thereof. I feel like the last person in the world that is still co-sleeping after four and a half years and still loving it. People all around me, including my close support system, think I'm a fruitcake for doing it. Truth is, it's as much for me as it is for him. He needs me, I know that I am fulfilling one of his most basic needs of feeling secure, and it's a fantastic symbiotic relationship.

What's looming ominously over my head is Kindergarten. It's from 8AM-3:30PM and this poses a problem. The word 'truancy' pretty much sums up where my point is headed. Should we continue our loosy-goosy routine of having him to school around 9-ISH (emphasis on the "ish"), the truancy officer would likely be coming to meet and greet us to talk about structure, responsibility,........the law. Blah, blah, blah.

Like a squirrel in the fall, hastily stashing nuts away for the winter, I too feel the need to prepare for the coming changing of the season with regard to school. I can't go one day from merrily co-sleeping and waking up to our circadian rhythms (oooh, am I a hippie?) to trying to pop him in bed at a "normal" bedtime and then wake him while it's still dark outside, shove a waffle in one hand and a backpack in the other and schlep him off to school at a time that he is used to still being in bed, nestled next to his mommy. So though it goes against how I *feel*, I know in the long run that this is what I need to do to prepare him for what is to come, and it's one of those tough parenting decisions that I don't enjoy. It's the parenting equivalent of swallowing the Robitussin.

Have you ever been reeeeally sick and stood in your kitchen first staring at the Robitussin, then holding it, finally twisting the cap and catching that whiff of the smell? It's like you can taste it before you ever get it near your lips and it just makes you dry-heave over the sink. Finally, after you've studied the measuring cup 6 times to make sure there isn't ONE extra drop of fluid you've poured, you hold your nose and tilt back the thick sludge, followed by an entire glass of any other liquid you can get your hands on. THAT is what this feels like for me. Unnatural. Chemical-laden. Cherry flavored. I hate it.

And I hate that "they system" is making me change what is really a lifestyle thing to acquiesce to their routine. But this will be the first in a very long line of things I wish could be done differently. Besides, I believe that I should prepare my child for the path, not the path for the child.

If given the opportunity I'd gladly home school him and teach him my core values and beliefs. Realistically, though, I think it would be very difficult to not only teach him our values and beliefs and educate him on the way other people do things at the same time and be objective about it. Eventually, unless he can make it as an artist or a ski instructor, I think the chances are that he will have a job where he must report to a higher authority and will be expected to be somewhere punctually. So this is what I must teach him at this tender age.

This is what I must also teach myself, as I have only been a parent for four years, and am still a baby myself in my parenting skills. We will grow and learn together, and that is a journey I do look forward to with great anticipation.

Joined: 01/28/03
Posts: 2

Dont let people intimidate you with the whole co-sleeping thing. I did it with both of my kids....they are 5 years apart. My daughter (the older one) chose to start sleeping in her own bed at about 3-1/2 and my son who is 4 decided on his very own about a week ago that he wanted to start sleeping in his own bed. They made the decision on their own and the transition was incrediably peaceful and calm. Of course mommy is a little sad because I dont have my babies to cuddle with anymore but I feel ok about it because they made their own choice and they know that anytime they need to they can still come crawl in bed with mommy. Hope that helps.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Thanks, Kim! I'm glad to know there are still others co-sleeping with their 4 yr old.

I may have found a reasonable compromise in the co-sleeping area. I set up the old baby monitor we had for him (the one we didn't really need since our house was teeny tiny) and showed him how it worked from each 'side'. His room is upstairs and ours is downstairs, which was one of the big hurdles for this issue. I told him that I would come and sleep in the guest room upstairs so I'd just be right around the corner if he needed me and I'd have the 'walkie talkie' to hear him if he called me. That seemed to please him, even though he was not happy about the situation in general. For 3 nights we did that. Then last night he seemed so blue about the whole thing, even though he is being an angel about it. So I told him that we would do bath/story time and then he would need to go to bed at 8:30PM as he has been doing. BUT, that when mommy was ready for bed then I would come in and snuggle with him in his own bed. That did the trick. I came in his room about 11PM and he woke me up this morning with the biggest, most beaming smile in the history of the world, followed by a tight-squeeze hug because he was so happy I was there with him.

Although this sounds like a weird arrangement, I think it might be a good solution, at least for the short term. This way I get him to bed at a reasonable hour in his own room upstairs. I get to have time alone with my husband in the evenings from 8:30PM - 11PM (which, by the way, is two and a half hours longer than we ever got to spend together with the old system) and then we still get the snuggle-factor benefits of co-sleeping during the night.

For the record, DH and I are just not night-time snugglers. He is so hot natured that he flaps off all the covers and lays there exposed to the ceiling fan air without getting cold. I, on the other hand, am usually wearing my Texas A&M sweat pants, a t-shirt, sweat socks, and curl up under the sheet, comforter, and a 2nd down comforter. On cold nights, I heat up my rice-pack in the microwave and wrap it all around my feet---it stays hot for hours. So between me in the Sahara and DH in Antarctica, we tend to stay on opposite poles of the bed to accommodate our varying climates.

On another note, 'Lost' is on TV tonight and this is one of the very few shows I watch. I'm very much looking forward to a new episode!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Aww, I can see where you're coming from, Elicia! It's sad to have to say, "This is what we have to do now because you have school." It just doesn't make sense to a 4-year-old! I think you've reached a great compromise, though. Biggrin

I had to LOL at how cold you are and how hot your hubby is - Tim and I are the same way! The only time it was different was when I was pregnant, and then I was always the one kicking off the covers! Lol

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Glad to know we aren't the only married couple that are like a polar bear and a sun lizard, Sandy!!!
Smile

What a happy day! I've been looking forward to seeing you all day, journal! This week at work has been a booger and I've finally reached the weekend (insert Napolean Dynamite-style "Yesssss"). I've got nothing in particular lined up for the next two days and that feels GREAT.

I'd like to take Josh out for something special this weekend as a celebration/reward for him sleeping in his own bed this week but I haven't figured out what that might be. I'll update more after we get that figured out.

*Sigh* Journal, am I being sensitive or is every female on this planet expecting a baby right now? I'm still finding myself to be genuinely happy for everybody's pregnancies and I wish only the best for them. And I think I have come to peace with the loss of our child, a daughter. Although I have not shared this with anyone, I gave her a name that I use when I'm talking to her in my mind--Anaya. The Hebrew meaning of this name is "God Answered" and the Indian meaning is "completely free". Neither could be more accurate.

At any rate, I have come to finally decide to stop milling around trying to understand the WHY of it all and just accept that it happened. I don't have the capacity to understand it and even if I did have the real answer, it wouldn't change things. However, it doesn't mean that it isn't my hearts' desire to have another baby. I'm certain it only seems that every waitress is pregnant, every stranger I pass at the supermarket it pregnant, and half the people at work are pregnant. It's statistically probable that the average number of pregnancies is at a normal rate. In the past I probably just never noticed the herds of moms-to-be parading around me because it wasn't on my mind as it is now. It's odd to discover something so very noticeable being right under your nose and not ever paying attention to it and it makes me wonder how many other miracles I walk right past every day as I scurry around with the dilly-dally tasks of the daily grind.

Speaking of miracles, this whole process has made me acutely aware and all-the-more appreciative of my son and the joy and light he brings to us every day. We are truly blessed.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I really need a hobby. In the past I have had hobbies but I find that I am currently without one and it leaves me too much time for unhealthy choices like plopping in front of the internet all day, watching TV, and cleaning/organizing my home like someone with a severe case of OCD. I believe a hobby would be very healthy for my mind, body, and soul. I'd like to have a hobby I could share with my son, my whole family, or do alone. It can't cost a bundle and needs to be done locally.

Drum roll please.........I'm going to plant a garden! And I'm going to do it totally organically in every aspect. This should be great because it meets ALL of my criteria and should help cut down on our astronomical food bill. Ever since we made the switch to only buy organic meats, fruits, veggies, and household products (where feasible) it has about quadrupled our food budget. Ugh.

I am in the research phase of this idea but have received positive support and the promise of assistance with the set-up of this project from my DH. I need him to rent a roto-tiller to get me started and to build the framework for my garden bed. After that I'll take it from there Biggrin

Consideration is currently underway for the following lucky members of the produce department: Watermelon, tomato, carrot, onion, garlic, beets, chives, strawberry, and blackberry. Although I know summer squash, okra, and jalapenos are all typical Texas choices, I am deciding to go a different route for now. I'm trying to go for things that I most commonly find in my grocery store cart every time I go as I feel like I can save the most money by growing our "staples" myself. Plus the local farmers market will have an abundance of summer squash and okra when they reopen in the spring.

Today online I found a blackberry farm about 45 minutes from our house where you can go pick your own for $15/gallon. That sounds like SO much fun and I'm completely planning to take us all out there once they are ripe if my own don't pan out well. Right now we usually buy 2 of those teency weency plastic cartons of them in the grocery store at $4.99 each, that's $10 for about 8 ounces of organic blackberries!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Today I did a bunch of laundry, dishes, cooking, more dishes, toilets, bathtubs/shower, counter tops, and mopping. Whew! I even detailed the doorways where our dog pushes the doors open with her snoot and has left some grime AND I got her doggy door doors all clean and shiny. And just after all of that was wrapped up, my wonderful neighbor brought DH and I some homemade banana pudding. :yahoo:That sweet woman could not have delivered the goods to me at a better time. I'm PMS'ing and I'd spent all day fulfilling my domestic duties. After the pudding arrived it was not long before I sat propped up on the sofa watching some Tivo'd episodes of 'Bernie Mac' with a big bowl of pudding. Yes, it's the little things in life that bring such great pleasure!

It was gorgeous weather outside today so the whole family took a walk to the park in our neighborhood and DH and I chatted with another couple while all the kids played together. Very Normal Rockwell, LOL! Since there is still some new construction in our neighborhood we got a chance to take a walk through one of the homes that is close to completion but not locked up Dirol Am I the only nosey person that likes to just look at other peoples' floor plans and design choices? Turns out my son likes it too--tee hee hee.

Speaking of, he's upstairs all by himself sleeping in that big 'ol bed. Alone. Without his mommy. Yes, I created this monster. And I still don't like it one little bit. I didn't keep track exactly but I think this marks close to a week he's been sleeping without us (me). He doesn't like it but is understanding and each night asks me less and less questions before I leave the room.

To be honest, I'm pretty blue about it because there's no turning back. I did decide to slip up to his room and snuggle with him two nights ago and that was great. DH didn't really care for me doing that though. *Sigh*

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

The garden idea sounds fantastic! Biggrin I love hobbies too, they keep me occupied in a good way. Since having Nick, I think photography has become my biggest hobby. Lol

Anaya is such a beautiful name. :bigarmhug: Thank you for sharing that.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852
Hoping for the best, expecting the usual

I've still got two bottles of sparking apple cider in the bottom drawer of our spare fridge that I never cracked open to celebrate our positive pg test this past summer. Perhaps I just knew something wasn't right in the back of my mind somewhere. They still sit there waiting for their turn to be a part of a joyous celebration. Today is cycle day 28 for me, which is supposed to be the day I go to cycle day 1.

Really, honestly, I don't feel pg. I don't. I have also been pretty moody the last few days. I don't have the usual lovely physical symptoms to let me know AF is on her way though. But I also have no pg symptoms. I've got nothing.

I've decided that due to my proclivity towards OCD that I will not become glued to fertility friend. I will not make detailed charts on graph paper with more columns than you can shake a stick at. I will not wake every morning to the beeping of my thermometer (beating in tempo with my ticking biological clock, LOL) followed by a series of tests and measurements being carefully plotted onto the chart that accompanies me everywhere. I will not carry around 10 ovulation prediction strips and little dixie cups in my purse and constantly look at my watch to see if it is time for my scheduled check-in on my hormone surge. All of this laundry list of stuff in the end did help me FINALLY achieve pregnancy, but sadly could not help me keep it. In the end I suppose conception, pregnancy, delivery, and on and on are all up to the good Lord and no amount of analyzation on my part can offer any promises to me. As such, my best bet is to throw caution to the wind and let things happen as they will.

One reason I'm not too worked up about this whole thing is because of my cycle length. Since I had my D&C in October I have had 3 cycles. From November to December the cycle length was 27 days. From December to January it was 30 days. So even though my usual length is 28 days, my cycle length has been a little screwy since the D&C. Today is day 28 and since last month was 30 for some reason I'm not really considering myself to be late until Saturday.

However, in the spirit of Valentine's day and since it will be day 29, I will test in the morning if she has not shown up by then. The down side to that is that if I don't test and AF shows, it's really no big deal. But if I allow myself to test and then get a negative, I'll be in the dumps about it.

But....on the totally off chance it were to be positive, that would be the best valentine's gift ever from my hubby Wink Either way, he's grilling buffalo steaks and making fresh green beans (and mac & cheese for the little guy) tomorrow night in celebration of our day. It should be a good day no matter what!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Negative. It's OK though.

Happy Valentine's everybody!!!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

:bigarmhug: Happy Valentine's Day, Elicia. Sorry about the negative, but I know your turn is coming soon!! Biggrin And then you'll have to move this over to the preggo journal section. Biggrin

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Thanks, Sandy! AF showed this afternoon so I guess we're shooting for March!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

This morning at 6AM I thought somebody tossed a rock at our bedroom window! I said "WHAT WAS THAT?" and DH said "hail" completely casually. Within 10 seconds from the first hit it just started pouring down hail as big as quarters! It was SOOOO loud I cannot really describe it fully.

I went upstairs to collect my sweet baby that is now sleeping in his own bed *sniff* and he was wide awake just laying in his bed. He had turned on his little light by his bedside and was just looking at me when I walked in. I asked him if he was scared and told him about what was making the noise and then brought him back down into our bed for snuggles and sleeping for a bit more. That was so lovely :cloud9:

Luckily we had parked both of our cars in the garage so we didn't get hail damage on them but I saw lots of hail damage as we drove down our street today. As far as the house goes, I am not expert enough to say whether we have hail damage just from looking at it from the ground and it's all wet because it's still raining so it's really hard to tell.

I got up and made beef burgundy in the crock pot and we've just been staying in and doing some house chores today. After lunch we went and got some custard sundaes though---it was so bad but so good!

In other news, I am going to go visit my BFF (hee he he) out of state at the end of the month and I've got my vacation request in at work and my plane ticket purchased so I'm ready! She is due near the end of March and is having her 3rd child---her first boy Biggrin We are going to have so much fun---I cannot wait. Her oldest daughter is having a birthday party at their house that weekend so I'm going to assist with cooking/decorating or however I can help and then we're going to get some shopping time in to buy the baby a present from me and work on getting the nursery all finished up. I love that she leaves room for me to come and do these fun things with her, even though she is a perfect home maker and completely capable of doing it all herself. It makes me feel very important.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Two posts in 1 day! Not great news though. About an hour ago Josh came down with a tummy bug and it was not pretty. Since we had our snuggles together in bed this morning I suppose I shouldn't be too far behind him---I figure about Monday I should experience the joy.

Nothing makes a mommy feel more helpless than when her kiddo is sick. I can give him lots of TLC but can't make it all better until it has just run its course. Poor little guy. I'm going to have him sleep in his race car bed that is in our bedroom so he can be close to me tonight and I can keep a good eye on him. Hopefully it will be just a 24 hour bug.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Josh is still running a low grade fever but hasn't thrown up today (knock on wood). He's been in and out of bed all day so I know he's not feeling his best.

I did, however, manage to finally get my request for an exemption for vaccinations mailed off to the state and that should be back in ample time for me to have it all notarized and ready for the kindergarten round up. I hope they don't give me too much heck about that. I know my view is part of a large controversy but I figured it was OK to air out my thoughts in my own journal. I did have all of his vaccinations done when he was a baby even though it didn't feel right to my mommy instinct. I tried to talk with my ped about it and he quickly poo-poo'd the non-vax viewpoint and I relented since I had it coming from all directions that I would be wrong not to do it. However, since then I've learned that you have to do what you think is best and stand strong for it. With all of the information out there about vaccine injuries and strong medical opinions on both sides---I just feel like if there is any shred of truth to it, then I am not willing to risk having them put into my child. I wouldn't give him the very best, fresh, all organic plate of food with just a tiny smidge of chemical sprinkled over the top that was hotly debated to cause autism, cognitive and behavioral problems. So why would I let them inject it into his body over and over and over again? .........Well, I wouldn't. I won't anymore. I wish I never let them do it in the first place.

I do think I'll have to find another ped, which is disappointing because I have really liked our ped with exception of our disagreement on this one topic. He is very good with Josh and very kind in general. I guess he'll have to go to a naturopath? I need to do some more research because I'm not totally against all medicine, I just don't want to vaccinate. Better get that all sorted out before he starts school in the fall.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Ack, sorry Josh is sick! Sad That's gotta be hard on you both! I am glad you're finding a ped who will listen to what you have to say about not vaccinating! Smile I think sometimes doctors think they know better than the parents what's best for the baby, and I think that's total bull! :bigarmhug: Yay for sticking up for what you believe in!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Good evening, journal! Another week has come and gone. Tomorrow I have to work, which makes me sad to miss a whole day with my family when Saturdays should be for sleeping in and eating blueberry pancakes at 10AM! But that's okay, I'm sure it will go by quickly since we've had so much hail in the area lately and the phones will be ringing off the wall.

All of a sudden I'm trying hard not to make this a TTC journal. No need to masquerade, this is my journal and I'll TTC if I want to Biggrin Today is cycle day 9 so we're getting closer. If this month is *the* month the EDD would be around November 20th. That is not really in the ideal window of time as far as I'm concerned as I'd prefer not to have birthdays in November/December/January because of holidays. However, that's awfully petty isn't it? As I told a co-worker today it's time I "put on some big girl britches" and just forget about conveniently timing a baby. I should know by now that nothing is done in MY timing, it is done in His timing.

My husband recently purchased a liquid supplement that is supposed to do all sorts of magical things. If I'm fat, it can help slim me. If I have high cholesterol, it can help that. If I have low energy, it can help that. AND, *here's the important one*, if I'm INFERTILE, it can help that. So we're both going to take said supplement and see what happens. Is it wrong to have a glimmer of hope in a magic bottle? If this works I'll be thrilled. Worth a shot. :babydustblue:

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

This is a drive-by posting, LOL! I'm on my way out the door for work but just wanted to give a quick update. Not a lot of posting going on right now on my dear 'ol journal as this is "O" week Biggrin Friday I'm going to visit my BFF in another state until Monday so that will help me pass the time for a few days. The 'ol 2WW is a booger, huh? Tick, tock, tick, tock.......

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I have not forgotten you, dear journal. I went out of town this past weekend for my visit with my friend and had so much fun. We laughed all weekend long and that was very good, indeed, for both of us. She is going to be induced on the 19th this month if he hasn't made his debut by then naturally.

Nothing to report on the TTC front because the 2WW drags on still. I will test on the 13th of this month, in 6 days. Actually, I'm sure I'll REALLY start testing about the 11th but I won't put any stock in a negative test until the 15th! (Or until AF shows, LOL!) I have not been feeling my best recently. I know that "they" say you cannot have pg symptoms until you are far enough along to test positive because your body feels queasy over the hormones you are generating. And I believe that, I do. However, my friend (see above---obviously pregnant) that is now having her third child told me that she was sick, throwing up sick, before a week even went by that they TTC and wellllll before the end of the 2WW. She remained sick and barf-ish throughout the majority of her entire pregnancy. I believe her, of course. So I know it's not totally impossible.

Now I was barely sick when I was pg with my son. I like to say he was a wonderful hotel guest, LOL. I had "waves" of nausea and would sit down to let them pass. But I never threw up (except when I got food poisoning from Cheesecake Factory) and right on schedule at my 2nd trimester I felt great. So I am already going to call that if this IS a pg, it's a girl. If it's not, then I could have contracted anything from anywhere since I recently traveled on an airplane.

I am one of those people that cannot possibly NOT try to find out what sort of baby will be arriving. Maybe if I had a boy and girl already I would be open to consider a "surprise" but I really doubt it......a lot. I remember coming home from the hospital with a humongous episiotomy relying heavily on those elephant-sized ice pack underwear from the hospital and a huge can of dermaplast. I cannot imagine having to run over to one of the top ten most germy places in the nation (BRU) to buy a load of pink or blue stuff in that condition. Of course this is from a woman who didn't leave the house with the baby until 10 weeks after the birth with exception of well-baby checkups.

Can you believe it has snowed twice this week here? Snow in Texas---in March. It's crazy! We got 6 inches last night. The day before it was sixty-something degrees. Last weekend it was hot outside. I don't get it but it's fine, we love snow.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Ya know what's weird about the 2WW and the secondary infertility we have been experiencing? Instead of feeling more and more hopeless each passing month, I am starting to feel more hopeful. As much anxiety as the 2WW brings, I found myself this morning humming and smiling as I got ready for work because the limbo period of not knowing that we are not pg gives me a glimmer of hope. We *could*, in fact, be pg and not yet know. It's like my body gets to keep a secret from me and I get tickled about it.

No matter the final result, during those two weeks I get to secretly giggle and wonder about who he/she might be and all of the fun things we will do together and that makes the 2WW a pretty fun time.

I'm not Buddhist by far but I like that saying that it's not about the destination, it's about the journey. And I feel like I might be finally learning to just stop and smell the roses. Maybe I can find happiness while we are wading through the waters of infertility. Who says the journey can't be intriguing and fulfilling? Even if we never become that family of four, I think I would be happy and content with our beautiful family of three.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I love your attitude, Elicia! Biggrin You are awesome. What a great way to look at it - that your body gets to keep a secret from you for a little while. Smile I can understand about that glimmer of hope; when we were TTC Nick, I loved my 2WW and hated my annovulatory cycles for the very same reason! I am keeping everything crossed for you, dear friend. Biggrin

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Thanks, Sandy! This is the week we get to find out so hold that pose for a few days while you keep everything crossed!

Tonight was our 1st T-ball practice ever. He was excited about signing up for t-ball but then when we told him practice was today he said he didn't want to go at all and then I practically had to pick him up to get him onto the field. He wouldn't talk to anyone as he was so shy and the coach couldn't understand him say his name because he was mumbling. BUT THEN they started teaching them to run bases, hit, throw, and catch and he came out of his shell and started to have the time of his life. By the end of the hour I could barely get him to leave and he said he was very excited about going back for more!

Being the wallflower that I just cannot help being, I just am not a social-bug and usually move very slowly towards making new friends. But I was able to muster up enough to talk with two other moms there that seemed very nice. Josh comes by his shyness naturally I suppose!

It is exciting to me that each parent is assigned to a date to bring snacks for the kids after the games (because I am a dork). I have already decided on what I'm going to make (complements of a lovely lady on my birth board)---hollowed out orange cups with bits of cold oranges, strawberries, and grapes in them. How delicious and refreshing will that be after a game out in the hot, sticky, sandy baseball field? Mmmmm.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Well, I tested this morning and got a BFN. Let me try to muster up a look of shock.....:eek::rolleyes:

I guess I'm not officially out of the race yet and in true Mike Huckabee style I'm not calling it over 'till it's over. If AF doesn't show I'll retest on Wednesday and then Friday.

Don't worry, journal, you'll soon have 2 weeks of reprieve from TTC talk after AF shows, LOL! At the moment I've got a one-track mind so I think I'll pop on the MP3 player, listen to some Unanswered Prayers and do some housecleaning. Garth always has the right words.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Blah, random 25 day cycle. :witch: What tha heck? :director:Body, what are you doing???? :brucelee::angry2:

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852
Like "27 Dresses", only it's 27 baby showers

**I am not a fan of reading downer posts. If you are not then skip this post for today. Hopefully tomorrow will be more cheery**

I'm a little blue today (see above post). Today I was a co-hostess for a baby shower at work. It was just the wrong day for me emotionally to be hosting a baby shower. Over the time we have been TTC I have watched a good friend of mine get pg, hosted a shower at my house for her, she had the baby, and I went to that baby's 1st birthday party. I have watched my best friend get pg, go through the pregnancy, and is due by next week. Two weeks ago I went to a baby shower at my work for a good co-worker friend of mine that is ten years older than I am and has a fibroid the size of a grapefruit that was still able to conceive without any medical intervention. Today the shower for my other pg co-worker. At that shower I found out that another co-worker is pg. I am beginning to feel like I must be a bad person. Nobody can possibly know this many pregnant people in a world as small as the one I live in. It's statistically impossible for this to be a coincidence. The only thing I can think of is that this is my punishment for something I have done wrong in the past.

I can probably deal somewhat gracefully with the infertility itself but this feels like my face is being rubbed in it each and every day. Not by the people having babies but just by the mere fact that everyone around me is having them merrily. Meanwhile, we have been TTC for over two years unsuccessfully.

I finally get pg and then we lose the baby. And life goes on. All of the people I was pg with kept on being pg and I have gotten to watch them get through their pregnancies. My due date of May 21st fast approaches. This was supposed to be such a happy time.

This morning I called my ob/gyn because he also specializes in infertility and I set a consult appt for DH and I. The soonest they could do it is in 3 weeks. I told DH about it and he was supportive except that he said he felt embarrassed about having to give any kind of sample. I cannot even go there right now because a few minutes of embarrassment compared to the desires of your wife's heart should be such a fleeting thought it doesn't even come out of your mouth. I'm not worried about feeling embarrassed about showing my coo-ca to 600 nurses in the labor and delivery room because it's such a non-issue compared to what we are talking about. I don't relish the thought of shoving a canteloupe-sized child out an opening the size of a lemon. It's inconsequential. The 40 weeks of pregnancy would be taking place inside *my* body. All of the aches and pains, swelling, birthing.......*my* body. I'm not complaining about any of that. Remind me how a few minutes of embarrassment is a remotely viable obstacle in this???

At any rate DH was very disappointed when I told him AF came to town and he really had high hopes about this month. So I really hope he gets over his embarrassment factor and can move on to the "what do we need to do to get this done" mind frame.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

..........(relaxation music gently playing in the background of a dimly lit room).........and breathe out.........breathe in...........and breathe out.....

Ahhh, I'm feeling much better this evening. 99% of the time I am such a grounded, normal, healthy person. And then there's the 24-48 hour window when my hormones just can't possibly let me be myself. Statistically I suppose that would actually be more like normalcy only 71% of the time based on a 28 day cycle but let's not split hairs about it.

Ok, so people can continue to live and have babies now without fear of sending me through the roof. It's fine, really. I have come down from orbit and all is well. Good to be back.

Let's talk about something besides TTC and babies, shall we? I've been giving my garden some thought. I read that I shouldn't outline the garden bed with treated lumber because the chemicals in the lumber will leach into the ground and into the food. My DH has agreed to do the garden in an east-west direction and it will be about 4 x 8 ft. There is always one last "Easter snap" in Texas so I am not going to be planting anything until after Easter. So perhaps the last weekend in March we will be breaking some Earth! I'm planning to go totally organic, though I guess I can't really call it organic since I'm sure the farmer that grew corn where our house now sits about 3.5 years ago probably used chemical fertilizer on his crops. I'll just say it'll be "all natural". I'm still thinking of doing tomatoes, carrots, beets, strawberries, onion, garlic, and the 1 watermelon plant I've got in a teeny tiny cup that Josh picked up at Wal-Mart a little while back. I'm just going to have a few of each thing so that I can learn about what works and what doesn't and what is hearty and what isn't. This year will be about me learning as opposed to growing some huge amount of food to be able to give away to my neighbors and such.

Oh, and let me report in also on our current sleeping arrangements. All is going so well. He does well sleeping upstairs by himself but he always asks if he can sleep in our room in his car bed first. I will let him sleep in his car bed several nights a week and he is just so happy about it. So long as he goes to sleep at a reasonable time it doesn't matter where he is sleeping. The whole point of ceasing the co-sleeping was because I couldn't figure out a way to have him go to sleep at 8:30PM by himself without me being there. As long as he's asleep by his bedtime and I don't have to stay in there and lay with him (because I will fall asleep every time if I just lay down 'for a minute' with him) for him to be able to fall asleep then all is well. So as far as I'm concerned everything is GREAT! Not only does he get the right number of winks all night long but he's still in the room with us about 8 feet away from our bed! Perfect! I LOVE to listen to him breathing as I lay down and close my eyes at night. He is just the most precious, perfect blessing I could ever have bestowed upon me and it is truly my honor to get to be his loving mom.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852
Let's take it to the street, lady!

T-ball practice was less than desirable tonight. First off, there are 3 coaches for the team and only 2 of them showed up. And 1 of those was like 15 minutes late to show. So for the first 15 minutes there was mass chaos for this 1 poor guy and although there was a whole bunch of parents there (including a dad) nobody offered to help him. Call me what you want but I just kept looking at that dad to step in and help out. Finally the coach asked the parents if he could have some volunteers to help so I and another mom and that dad all volunteered and it was still chaotic.

Then this one little boy that was misbehaving decided he liked my son and kept hitting him with his glove in my son's back and stirring up a play fight. Then the two boys were distracted from the rest of the group. Josh would look at my face and then get back in line like he knew he was supposed to do and then that other little boy would put him in a wrestling hold from behind him and start stuff all over again. This little boys' mother was sitting RIGHT next to me and she said nothing to him. Finally I got up and walked over to the line where they were standing waiting their turn to catch ground balls and told Josh he needed to pay attention and stand still in line. The other little boy then kept on hitting and spinning even though I was standing right there telling them to stop. Still the mother did nothing. Lady, I am not going to discipline your kid. But obviously you can see that I'm telling MY kid to ignore yours and stand in line and your kid just won't take a hint---are you blind? So then I go back and sit in my sideline chair to watch with everybody else. Guess what? That same kid gets behind my kid in the line for batting practice and starts the same stuff up. I called him out of line to come see me at my chair so that the other little boys' mother could hear my words to my own son loud and clear. I told him "just because that other boy is acting inappropriately does not mean that you will do so. You are being disrespectful to your coach and there will be consequences if you do not go stand in line and listen to your coach". He said "yes ma'am" and went back to get in line. The other kid starts it up again. Josh ignores him and does nothing. Then the kid starts throwing grass on top of Josh's head and poking him. The other little kid's mother did nothing. FINALLY, practice ended. Josh came over and I told him that next time someone is antagonizing him to just turn around say "leave me alone, I'm trying to listen to the coach" and then turn back to the front and ignore him from then on out.

The mother sitting directly on the other side of me leaned over and said by the end of practice to me "your poor little one" because she could see that he really was trying to do the right thing and this other kid would just.not.leave.him.alone!

Let me just say this. I am not "that mom" that is the competitive crazy lady that wants my kid to be the fastest, best, strongest player. But when your kid won't leave my kid alone time and time again, you better believe that I will be saying something directly to the mother at the next practice and it will not be pretty. She has had enough non-confrontational warnings from me because I know darn good and well she was watching and listening to me for the whole practice and she did NOTHING. :WTF::chairha!::violent1::banghead::firemad:

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Today is such a beautiful day outside! Sunny and a little windy but nice none-the-less. I think we are planning to start our garden today! Right now DH is outside picking up dog poo in the yard and will then mow the first mow of the season. Some of the grass in the back is over 4" tall and bright green. Luckily the front does not look as shaggy since we have a different variety of grass growing in the front yard and it is mostly still dormant right now. But it won't be long as I see the green starting to emerge.

At work they are offering some discounted tickets to the Six Flags amusement park that is about 45 minutes - 1 hr from our house and I think we are going to go! It's for Saturday, April 12th and we can purchase up to 6 tickets so we are going to take my brother, his wife, and her son that is just a few years older than Josh. The boys play so well together and will have an absolute blast. Josh is a HUGE fan of roller coasters and now that he is 43" tall, he will be able to ride the loop-de-loop roller coaster!!!! Can you believe that? The height requirement is 42". He is going to FLIP OUT from excitement. The funny thing is that I can actually remember when I was 42" tall and got to ride this exact same roller coaster for the 1st time. Six Flags has been around as long as I can remember and the 'Shockwave' was the 1st looped roller coaster I ever rode. How cool that it will be Josh's 1st looped coaster also!

In October 2005 (Josh would have been 2 yrs 3 months) we went to Disney World and we rode the 'Barn Stormer' coaster. IMO this coaster was way too rough for someone his age and I 'bout freaked out once we got on it and it started going so fast. I was holding on to him like there was no tomorrow and he was just holding his arms up and giggling with delight the whole time. That's when I knew he had 'the bug' also Biggrin He gets that from me!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

What a great day! We did end up plotting the location of our garden but didn't end up making it because DH couldn't get our lawnmower started and we got distracted.

You are SO not going to believe this, journal, but Josh wanted to go to the park in our neighborhood today on his scooter and I didn't feel like walking so I dusted off my old roller blades! I haven't skated on them in 10 years but they still worked great and I didn't even fall down! Then on the way back from the park just 3 doors down from our house we went by some other little boys playing outside and I asked if he wanted me to see if they would play with him. He did want to play so I went and found their mom and introduced myself. One little boy is 5 and in kindy this year and the other little boy was 6 and also in kindy and lived across the street. Although they were slightly older than Josh they were playing and having the best time after just a few minutes and they played together for over an hour. He has never had any friends here on our street so I am very excited for him to have met some. Before I know it I will be hearing the ding-dong of little ones at my door asking if Josh can come over and play. That seems like such a grown kid thing for someone I still consider to be my teeny tiny baby boy Lol

This evening for dinner I made chicken spaghetti and cheesy garlic toast and I have to say that it was the best, most tasty chicken spaghetti I have ever made. Even DH was blown away by it and I have made this recipe about 70 million times since we have been married. I think what made the difference was using two kinds of mushrooms (neither one the boring button mushrooms that I normally use) and adding some green chilies. I used baby bellas and some white beech mushrooms and that made it so mushroom-y and delicious, yummmmmmm. For dessert we have some store-bought organic strawberry ice cream. So much for any calories I burned skating today, LOL!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Josh got a new bike today! His cousin that is a couple years older has outgrown it and my brother said he was going to get him a new bike today so Josh could have the old one---how nice was that? It's a real "big boy" bike and we took it out for his first riding debut. The wheels are so big that he can keep up with DH and I on our bikes pretty well. I bet it's no time before those training wheels are ready to come off. I see kids around the neighborhood riding bikes with no training wheels that are younger than Josh so I know his motor skills for it should be there. Once he gets his confidence up and experiences the thrill of turning a corner leaning into it a little bit he will want those wheels off.

Today I also broke out the Spring decor and so the house is all Easter-y festive. I'm not one to overload on decorations but I do like to do a little something for most holidays (Easter, birthdays, Halloween --although I cringe at lumping this 'holiday' in with Easter and Christmas--, Thanksgiving and Christmas). I don't decorate for Valentines or St. Patrick's day. The 4th of July doesn't get much, if any, attention around here since Josh's birthday is the 1st of July. We do enjoy watching fireworks but we don't decorate the house or anything.

DH BBQ'd some chicken legs outside for dinner tonight since the weather is GORGEOUS today. Fresh green beans and chicken made for an easy but delicious meal.

This afternoon I got to treat myself to a little shopping trip to Target and that was wonderful. The Easter bunny is going to be very generous this year. Mr. Bunny told me he has been thinking long and hard about what kind of eggs to hide for us this year since we don't really do candy and sugar 'round here. Shhhhhh---he told me he located easter eggs filled with play-doh for us! What a great idea!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Rain, rain, go away, come again some other day........

It was super rainy today and the weather channel map of our area looked like my 4 yr old got into the red, yellow, and green paint. Luckily there was no hail here. But tomorrow there will be an onslaught of people calling in to report that they drove through high water and ruined their engines. It's really not rocket science. High water = ruined engine. Don't drive through it. But whatever, let's move on.

Tomorrow the whole family has appts for having our teeth cleaned. This will be Josh's 2nd time so hopefully it won't be as intimidating this time around. He started out a little scared last time but was fine once it got started.

OH, and how could I have not mentioned before the 3rd paragraph that my best friend is going to be induced tomorrow morning?! She is to report in at 6AM to get the party started. Man, I am so excited and happy for her right now and the anticipation is driving me crazy. I had a dream a few weeks ago that the baby came out and looked just like his daddy so I will be interested to see if that is true. It'll be obvious since he is very tall with brownish hair and she is short (OK, still an inch taller than me, but we're both short) with very dark, thick hair. Both of her girls have their daddy's hair color and I keep waiting for one of her kiddos to turn up with their mommy's dark hair. As long as he arrives safely it doesn't even matter.

Well, Lucy (my dog) is in complete and total snoring mode next to my chair and it's frankly making me a bit sleepy. She is so stealthy---I never hear her enter the room or follow me in here but she is always there next to the desk snoring after a bit of time goes by. I think I'll head into the living room to watch an hour of TV before I retire for the evening.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

The big news of the evening is that my best friend had her baby this evening at 5:25PM and all is well with mommy and baby! He was 8lbs 6oz. I am so thrilled for them!

The dental appointments went super! Josh walked right in and set down as if he had been 100 times before and was cool as a cucumber the whole time. This is his 2nd time to have his teeth cleaned. Of course my DAD is the dentist so he has been to his office lots of times. The hygienist did the cleaning, though, and it still went just fine. Between myself, DH, my mom and my dad constantly poking our heads in the door and walking up and down the halls of the office during his visit I think he felt right at home Biggrin Plus my mom (the office mgr) had brought him some special Easter play-doh stuff and a new book and stuffed animal for Dr. Seuss' 'Fox in Socks' so he was well entertained while DH and I had our turns in the chair.

Plus, I took a half day off from work for our little family dental visit and that was nice to spend the afternoon with my whole family, even if we were in a dental office. I practically grew up in that office so it feels just like home anyway!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Yay Josh for being so great!! Smile He sounds like such a sweet little boy. WTG, Mom for making it seem like no big deal for him!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Thanks, Sandy! I'm a little biased but I think he's a pretty sweet boy!

Welcome to the weekend and Happy Easter! DH is out of town tonight so Josh and I have tonight and tomorrow afternoon to have mommy/son time. Tonight we invited one of my friends over, who happens to be the mommy of one of Josh's good friends so the kids played and played and played together and us mommies got to have wonderful conversation, dinner, and another round of 'Bridgett Jones' Diary" Biggrin That Colin Firth is so very easy to watch on TV..................

Tomorrow we will go to the grocery store again to get all the stuff we need for Easter lunch over at my parents' house. They are making the meat and we are bringing a veggie and a salad. My brother and his wife are bringing another veggie and salad so there will be lots to eat and nobody has to cook a full meal, whooo hoooo!

Then we may go see 'Horton Hears a Who' if he still wants to and he also needs a haircut so perhaps we can work it all in.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Well, we DID end up getting everything done today! House was all cleaned with every dish done and every stitch of laundry clean and put away by the time DH arrived back in town and dinner in the fridge waiting on him.

Josh's haircut looks adorable (if I may say so) and he and I had a great day together today. We started out by staying up late with friends last night (see last post) and then sleeping in until 9AM this morning. He got to sleep in our bed with me last night since DH was out of town Wink Then we ambled up and ended up playing in the backyard for a while. I got a few cookbooks out and sat in the sun next to the swing set while he played and searched for my recipe of choice for potatoes tomorrow for our family Easter lunch.

Then we finally had some pancakes, banana, and yogurt for "breakfast" at 11AM and then I did more house work while he watched a bit of TV and played with his toys.

After his rest time we went out for the haircut, to the grocery store, and then back home so I could assemble the ambrosia salad for tomorrow and then we headed out to see "Horton Hears a Who". He has never been a good movie-watcher as his attention span is just not that long to make it through a full-feature movie but he did pretty well tonight. He stood up about half way through and continued to stand for the duration of the movie but he didn't ask to go to the bathroom 600 times like usual and he didn't lay upside down in his seat (he did that during Ratatouille and I scooped him up and we left before it was over). I think he liked the movie OK but what he really wanted to do was play the video games out in the lobby and I told him we only had enough change for him to play 1 game. He picked that game where you shoot the dinosaurs from Jurassic Park and that was such a waste---he didn't even get to play it before it ate the tokens and then timed out. So he left upset that he didn't even get to play the game and that kind of ruined the whole experience for him. Poor little dude.

Hopefully Easter will be lots of fun for him tomorrow. We are going to try to make it to the early service at church so I can get back and cook the scalloped potatoes in time for lunch with the family. They have to cook for an hour and a half so perhaps I should go do some prep work on that right now so I can just slice the potatoes and throw all the stuff in the oven tomorrow in a jif..............

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Easter was so much fun! We opened the Easter basket stuff and he played for a little while with his loot and then we finally headed off to church (umm, the LATE service, not the early one, LOL). Afterwards we took the scalloped potatoes and ambrosia salad to my parents' house and the whole family met there. Josh and his cousin (age 7) hunted for eggs and had a wonderful time.

I hope I'm not coming down with something because I came home from work today and did a couple things, then crawled into bed and took a nap for an hour or so :eek: Three people in direct proximity to me at work called in sick today so I hope I do not come down with the sickies soon. We have an outing planned at work this Thursday where we are going to drive out to TimbuckToo and eat lunch together and then we get released for the day afterwards. I'd hate to use a sick day when we get to have off a half day anyway.

Got an e-mail today from our former neighbors that all is going well with their pregnancy and she is due 8 days from when I was supposed to be due. And they are having a girl. I feel very happy for them but it did make me think of our little girl. I am planning to take off work on Wednesday, May 21st and do something in honor of her due date. But I'm not sure yet what to do. I can't plant a tree because our yard already has as many trees as it can handle. But I'd kind of like to plant something that will grow and be fragrant and beautiful and something that would come back from year to year if possible. At our last house we had an area at the back fence where we had some honeysuckle growing and it was so fragrant and easy to care for. The only problem is I know it can damage a wooden fence over time and it attracts bees.

The idea of a little angel statue is not appealing. I could write a message on a balloon and release it over our back fence into the big field. I could plant some flowers somewhere.....

My best friend e-mailed me the first pictures of her beautiful baby boy today as well. Wow, that brought back so many wonderful memories our our little guy in the "french fry warmer" and then all wrapped up in his blanket with his striped hat on his puffy little face. And pictures of her older two girls holding the baby, just priceless.

Sometime tomorrow or Wednesday I will get my yearly performance review at work and find out if/how much of a raise I will get this year so my nerves are reminding me of this fact and I hope it goes well.

GOOD NEWS for today is that DH said we could plan a trip to go to Sea World this summer as one last special trip before Josh starts kindy in the fall. Not that we are huge world travelers or anything but it feels so....confining....to not be able to vacation whenever we please.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I am apparently feeling a little edgy (read: b*tchy) today. The next door neighbors are having a new roof put on today due to that hail storm we had a while back. It is 6:45PM and I need for them to adjourn and go home now. It's like artillery fire next door with the hammers and pneumatic nail guns. I can't let my dog out back because she will bark and bark until I lose my mind. A few minutes ago I was sitting here reading posts on P.O. and I heard the water on the side of OUR HOUSE get turned on. I couldn't take it. I got up, opened the front door, looked at the hose that sits on our front porch to confirm that the sprayer had been dragged between our two houses and stood there and glared at all the workers, then whizzed back inside and slammed the front door. About 5 seconds later I heard the water get cut back off. I'm sorry, it's not that 30 seconds of water from our house is a big deal but if you had ASKED me first, I would have said it was fine. If you just take it upon yourself to help yourself---NOT FINE. You need to go home at a respectable hour instead of working until the sun sets at freaking 7:45PM. I cannot handle the roofing noises for over 3 hours after spending a long day at work listening to people complain. Cannot. Will not. Shouldn't have to.

Please remind me why DH is always off playing softball or some other activity when I need him to be here and handle important situations and appease me? LOL! (Reference the near-rumble I had at t-ball practice a few weeks ago where DH was out of town)

Speaking of t-ball, the practices are coming to an end (last one is this Thursday) and then we begin the games one week from tonight. Very exciting business! We also have our initial consult with the ob/gyn about our options of this whole baby-making process. BIG DAY. I keep reading here on the site that most infertile people want to be seen by an "RE" for infertility treatment and I can't even figure out what "RE" stands for. I hope we're not making a mistake by letting my ob/gyn get involved, but he *does* specialize in infertility and has been voted one of the area's best doctors by some very impressive publications. He was on TV a week or so ago talking about some cosmetic stuff they also do in his office (smart lipo or something similar) and besides all the hoopla, I reeeeeally like and trust him. So wish us luck! Perhaps we will end up with an Easter miracle and get a BFP this cycle and we won't have to go through any of it Smile If so, this baby's nickname is definitely going to be my "little bunny", LOL!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Hey Elicia! RE stands for Reproductive Endocrinologist. We had considered going to one when we were dealing with infertility, too. We ended up using our OB. I think if he feels a need for you to see an RE, he will refer you, or you can ask for a referral as a back-up. It sounds like he has a great reputation, though! My fingers are crossed for you guys!! Biggrin

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

"enchantedlife" wrote:

Hey Elicia! RE stands for Reproductive Endocrinologist. We had considered going to one when we were dealing with infertility, too. We ended up using our OB. I think if he feels a need for you to see an RE, he will refer you, or you can ask for a referral as a back-up. It sounds like he has a great reputation, though! My fingers are crossed for you guys!! Biggrin

:thanks: Thanks Sandy! You are right---I think if we need a referral there is no reason he would choose to keep us there to treat something that was out of his scope. Plus I am keeping hope that this is just a case of something relatively simple!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Yay for a much better T-ball practice this evening! The little guy that was causing a ruckus last time got put into a different small group of kids this time so he wasn't with Josh (and, yes, he was hitting some other kid tonight). However, this time his dad was there and the dad would tell him to stop hitting so at least he was not running buck wild.

Tonight they handed out the team uniform t-shirt and ball cap, so that was pretty cool. They are very nice quality. We still need to go get him the baseball pants, socks, and cleats so perhaps we will do that this weekend since he's got his first game next week.

In other news, I'm thinking I'm going to try and hold out to POAS for 10-11 more days (until AF is DUE). That way I'm not wasting tests left and right and if I have a crazy (probably anovulatory) cycle like I did last month I won't be burning through the tests for nothing. If I make it to the date of my cycle due date and AF has not arrived or feel like she is impending shortly then I'll test. Besides, since we have our consult next Tuesday (before I'll be testing) I am wondering if they might decide to pull some blood while I'm there anyways and might could tell me if there is a chance from those results. We shall see. I really have no idea what he'll do.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Hooray for the weekend! DH made the most delicious cheeseburgers on the grill tonight and even buttered and toasted the buns and cut up my favorite garlic gundelsheim pickles, a beautiful organic hothouse tomato, and he remembered to put the lipton onion soup mix into the meat. The man is a saint.

Can we switch gears for a minute and spend some time obsessing about some (likely phantom) symptoms? For starters, I woke up with a sore boob today. There IS a possibility someone elbowed me in the night since it was only the one but I'll never know for sure. Being a heavy sleeper is both a blessing and a curse, LOL! The funny part about that is that it's the right one and the reason it matters is because when I was nursing I had named them "low flow lefty" and "tidal wave righty". In my mind that makes it only natural that my higher-functioning boob would be the one to be sore first.

Next, I noticed yesterday morning when I opened the door of our bedroom after waking up that I smelled the fragrance of our Easter lillies so strongly and they were sitting on the kitchen counter about 15 feet away and around a small corner. Today at work I smelled cigarette smoke as strongly as if someone was literally standing behind me. The lady that sits in the next cubicle over and up one is a smoker so I figured she was standing there and needed some help from me. I turned around and not only was she NOT there but she wasn't even at her desk or anywhere nearby.

For a few days I have had an on-again-off-again carsick feeling. As I wasn't sick with DS, I'm not sure if it feels like morning sickness or not. Here's the TMI part I wasn't sure I'd post, but what the hey, right? At this point in my cycle the typical CM (sticky) is not here but it's very thin and watery (not egg white) and more than usual, which is usually almost zilch right about now. And finally, I have been more thirsty and have been peeing a lot more than usual, even when I haven't had much to drink. Um, and referencing back to my post a few days ago about the roofers next door using our hose I might say I've been a little moody Biggrin

There you have it---a whole bunch of nothing but enough to make me wonder. The next 10 days is going to be pretty long so bear with me, OK?

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

In the middle of the night last night poor Joshie woke me up to tell me that his feet were hurting him really bad Sad The boy is growing like a weed, especially his feet. I got up to get him a bit of medicine so he could get back to sleep and I felt sick to my stomach a little. But besides that fleeting moment I have had NO symptoms of any kind today. My smell is not on overdrive, nothing. Nada, zip, zero, zilch. 8 days to go until testing.

For breakfast I made breakfast tacos that were quite tasty. I started with some fresh minced garlic and chopped onion in just a dab of EVOO and sauteed until tender. Then I added some chopped fresh cilantro and a slice of cheese. A friend of mind got me some local, organic, free-range eggs so I used 2 egg whites and then I cut up a few organic grape tomatoes and just put those on the tortilla fresh without cooking them. The tortillas were freshly made yesterday at my local grocery store and were still hot in the bag when I picked them up. I topped all that off with a little taco sauce and it was so good!

My husband came in the kitchen to see what was cooking and saw me cooking up garlic & onion for breakfast and gave me a big 'ol eyeroll. So after breakfast for no reason whatsoever, I peeled another fresh clove of garlic and popped in my mouth just raw. Can I please tell you that it was so delicious? I've heard garlic is supposed to be very good for you so I followed that clove up with a tablespoon of Bragg's organic apple cider vinegar and then felt like I'd done something good for myself today, LOL!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

There was a tornado warning here today, complete with sirens wailing and chants of "seek shelter" resonating throughout the air. Kinda scary! But all was well and our area just got a little bit of heavy rain.

The big appointment is tomorrow (infertility consult). I am holding out hope that this could be our cycle, but not much hope. Today my CM was sticky and thick, which is normal for my regular non-pg cycle. As I look back on some of my old charts and my newer record-keeping (not charting, just using the OPK's), it dawns on me that my average date of ovulation last summer was on CD 17-18 and now it is CD 12-13. That seems like a wild variation to me and is making me wonder if the internet cheapie OPK's are steering me wrong. When I was temping AND using OPK's the results coincided though, so I can't imagine I'd be getting positive OPK's if my body wasn't producing the LH and I don't think it's possible to ovulate at more than one point in your cycle so the OPK's HAVE to be accurate, right? :help1: Perhaps my doctor can make heads or tails of all this tomorrow. You know what is crappy? I logged onto FF.com today to print out my old charts and since my VIP membership is now expired it wouldn't even let me print my old charts out that I made when I did have the VIP membership. I think that's crap. I can understand not letting someone continue to use the VIP feature once their time expires but you should still be able to view and print your OLD charts that you DID pay to have the VIP service when they were created.

On a positive note, I have to just add that little Joshie is just blowing me away with is reading skills these days. For the longest time he just wasn't very interested in learning to read, even though he was early in learning his alphabet and numbers. We've got the Kindergarten edition of Hooked on Phonics and he is about 70% completed with it and doing great! Since he's in pre-k this year, and is a summer baby (therefore one of the youngest in his class) I'm very impressed with this reading progress! I think he'll be completed with it in a matter of weeks and then we can spend time this summer focusing on keeping him in practice daily with reading.

Tonight we spent a while playing frisbee in the house with a great big, soft frisbee and it was lots of fun. And nothing got broken in the process, LOL! He is the smiliest, giggliest, FUNNIEST little guy I have ever met.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. I'm feeling a little nervous this morning about this meeting. I have prepped DH that they are going to be asking him for his contribution in all of this and he seemed accepting of that. I spent some time thinking over it this morning and trying to figure out why I am so nervous. Finally I decided I'm feeling this way because there is a chance they might pull some blood to see if I happen to be pg this cycle, and I was counting on another 6 days of not having to get that BFN. At least for the next 6 days I have some tiny amount of hope until I see AF show up. However, with my current CM pattern and lack of any real symptoms I am 99% sure this was not our month anyway. The best thing to do is just sit back and enjoy the ride, right? Either I am or I'm not pg and it's so smoke-and-mirrors of myself to want to choose to live in ignorance for 6 more days. I need to JUST DO IT. I'll update later this afternoon all about it. Send some positive fertility vibes our way if you have any to spare!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Here's the skinny on the consult: He basically said that because we already have 1 child and I have been pregnant twice that he's not too worried about the whole thing. Easy to say from sitting on the OTHER side of the desk,LOL! Anyways, he didn't recommend to test DH's count because if they were too low I would not have likely conceived last summer.

I asked him the cause of fertility issues in someone that has had a child before and basically the answer is that I'm not getting any younger and also factors such as stress play a role. Another big possibility is hormones as that is something that can change over time too. He thinks if we just give it more time it will happen, however, he wanted to run some blood work to check my thyroid levels and hormones, etc. Since my +OPK was 10 days ago he also agreed to throw in an HcG beta test to make me happy Biggrin Actually that was DH's request! Regarding the OPK's he said that they can and do give positives that do not necessarily mean that ovulation will really occur. So that was something else that he was going to test in my blood work was to see if I really did ovulate since I got a +OPK test this month (and all prior months, even last month that was the wacky 25 day cycle that probably means I did NOT ovulate).

In the event this is not our month, he is going to call in Rx's for clomid, estrogen, and progesterone and he gave me a chart to tell me how to take all these medicines and when to take them. Then the nurse attempted to take some blood---HA HA HA! I asked her if she would please do a butterfly closure on the top of my hand because my veins roll and collapse and you CANNOT get blood from my inner elbows. I did give her a courtesy attempt because she didn't really want to do the butterfly. After that I was feeling all sweaty and faint-ish so she sent me over to the LabCorp people to have the blood stuff done. After a 30 minute wait in a waiting room that smelled like cigarette smoke they finally took me back and did the butterfly.

The nurse at my doctor's office said the results would probably be in on Thursday or Friday but because my doctor schedules surgeries for Fridays he probably won't be calling me until Monday :bawl: I guess it's okay. Either I am or I am not pg. Monday is when AF is due anyways so now I feel bad for having them even do the hcg test when I will either have a BFP/BFN by then anyways.

Joined: 09/29/05
Posts: 826

((HUGS)) I'll be the first person to tell you, secondary infertility can strike. I'm praying for a BFP for you!!!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

"ShiningLight" wrote:

((HUGS)) I'll be the first person to tell you, secondary infertility can strike. I'm praying for a BFP for you!!!

Awww, thanks Rachael. Your prayers are much appreciated FOR SURE! Are you a secondary infertility survivor?

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

This morning I had to sit and think about whether I'm that person that posts every little whim and thought into her journal or if I'm that person that cautiously awaits some solid information before putting it out here for all to see. I decided that even though this is a public journal, it's really about being a private outlet for me to jot down my innermost thoughts and feelings without having to talk DH's ear off, LOL.

Alright, so........here we go.....................I *MAY* have gotten a BFP this morning :kaos3::bounce8::party::yahoo::cloud9::clappy::jumpingbeans:
But I'm keeping it on the down low for right now because I'm not sure. The thing is that I'm using the internet cheapies and gosh darnit they are so hard to read unless you are blaringly pregnant. What I learned from my last BFP this past summer was that I hadn't given the tests enough time to work. I'd wait for the control line to show up and then toss it in the trash because there was not a second line. But once I started getting a positive (when AF was actually DUE) I went back into the trash can and found that the previous 4 days had been positive but the line was very very faint. So this time I waited for a few minutes and thought I saw a faint line after putting it up under the brightest halogen lamp in the house:D And after it dried instead of being a non-colored evaporation line there is a bit of purple color on it.

DH saw me examining the test under his desk lamp but I told him the results were inconclusive so that I wouldn't get his hopes up or give him false results. Now I'm thinking I'd like to tell him in a special way once (if) I get a darker line (maybe Saturday morning?) so if anybody out there has a great idea for that let me know. When DS was new news I told DH by getting him a card that had a picture of little baby laundry hanging on a laundry line and inside I wrote "Congratulations Daddy". This past summer I just told him the instant I came out of the bathroom because I couldn't wait. So this time I'd like to do something that doesn't require me to go out and buy baby shoes or a rattle but something that is clever and unique. I'll have to think on it and see what comes up. This is all assuming, of course, that either the line gets darker or that my OB calls me up with my blood test results today or tomorrow to confirm the news. The nurse already told me it'd probably be Monday so I'm not holding out too much hope for a call from him today. If anybody is reading this please send up some prayers that this is the real thing and that all turns out healthy this time.

Joined: 09/29/05
Posts: 826

Yep, for unknown reasons it took me almost 15 months to conceive number two, and even he was followed by 3 unexplained m/c. So yep, I survived and now I seem to be fertile mertile! Smile

EEEEKKKK :wootjump: Pictures. You must post pictures. I like to obsess over two lines!!!!

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