I feel too strong to war with mortals, bring me Giants!
Tonight and one more night inside this house, inside my bed, with things as they are. Two more nights of together. It's what I wanted, right? All of this set into motion by me. Am I the one to blame for setting the explosive to start the avalanche? Forget all the years of hard ice and snow that have been accumulating, untouched. Is it the avalanche or is the accumulation of snow that eventually is blamed for death and destruction? I guess it's always the avalanche. Seems unfair.
I have been wrestling with familiarity vs. love. Is it love that I know what he will say next or that he likes his chili without beans and never drains the fat from the meat? Is it love that he knows he can lure me into the room by putting on "Dirty Dancing" or that I always have a knot just under my right shoulder blade that needs someone to massage it? It seems that a good portion of the daily intricacies are more aspects of knowing each other vs. loving each other. So how does one show or discern love exactly? Is it the intent behind the act that separates the two?
Since I don't drink coffee, is it an act of love to start the coffee pot for him since that's the first thing he requires, pretty much in unison with his first inhaled breath of oxygen in the morning? Or is it just being a considerate person; a nice person; a thoughtful person?
I've gone so long without feeling or giving true love that it is lost on me now. I feel emotionless, yet I gravitate to watching love stories and thoroughly enjoy bawling my eyes out and the feelings, the emotions that I get to experience through the story on the screen. People do experience passion; although it has been an elusive bird for me. I want to look at someone and think that I cannot breathe another breath without being in his arms. I want to trust someone fully. I want to rush home to the comfort of our inside jokes and hurriedly shut the world out while we get lost in each other.
Lots of people have it worse off than I do. People have made it through harder times than this. I submit that those people have a passion that carries them onward. Where can I find it? Do I pray for passion and wait patiently for years? Do I tell myself to go through the motions of our life together because it is somehow healthier for the kids to set this drone example of a partnership than to risk everything by doing what my gut tells me to do?
There are so many questions and not enough answers. Everyone wants answers for me and all I really have is questions.