OH my Lawsy! It is only Tuesday. I have no idea how I'm going to manage 3 more days of being by myself at work doing the jobs of 3 people, literally. I might even have been able to pull it off if not for the new people that have 1.3 billion questions a day. I do not know how I'm going to do this again tomorrow, and the next day, and the next.
The boys did go off camping today and I have received a picture of Josh by a fire already as they were preparing for the night. As they get ready to curl up in their sleeping bags I think about ticks (and Lyme disease) and mice and snakes, OH MY! Eeeep! And just for good measure, DH called me this afternoon to ask me to remind him where the ER is near the farm! You know, "just in case"!
Dear Lord, if you can hear me or read this, please let me be able to be a SAHM in a financially secure lifestyle with a happy and healthy family. I have worked my tail off at this job and it is going to send me to an early grave. I need out. Puuuuuhhhhlllleeeeeeeeeeeeze, pretty please with sugar on top?
I laugh at you....God answered my prayer to be a sahm so don't be too surprised when He answers yours. You'll make it by taking it one day at a time, one situation at a time, and thank God for His favor over your life at your job! You can do this girl. I promise.
Thanks, Rach! I so hope you are right. I am just hoping that His answer to my prayer isn't "No".
Today was just everything that I knew it would be. Two people out sick and one that I had to drive to the urgent care clinic in the middle of the afternoon.
But enough about work BECAUSE......today was the first real, honest-to-goodness giggle for Jonah! He has made little smiley squeaks before now, but this is the first time I picked him up and made funny faces and he actually went "hee hee hee" with a humongous gummy grin So, even though it was 9 hours of torture, all in all my day was wonderful for those few fleeting moments of bliss, courtesy of mister Jonah-bear "tooterbug".
The boys are still out of town tonight so it's just me and the little guy by ourselves. It's awfully quiet 'round here I must say. I've just finished watching the end of last night's episode of "Touched By An Angel" because I fell asleep before the end. After dinner I plan to watch the episode that recorded during the day today. It's so nice to have control over the remote!
Well, I'm cracking. I don't know how I'll work another day tomorrow, I really don't. I sat in my car this morning with my chicken burrito and lemonade and prayed my heart out that something will break loose for us financially and I can quit this job. I envisioned the "Footprints in the Sand poem that shows God's feet walking in the sand and I told Him that I needed him to carry me today completely. I was just not able to do it anymore. The day was awful and I ended up staying an hour late again.
On the way home I called daycare to tell them to NOT give Jonah the last bottle because I would be there in 10 minutes. I had told them to feed him his 1st one today at 9:30AM, which means he would have eaten at 12:30PM and 3:30PM. Yes, it was only 5:24PM when I called but I just *knew* that they had been feeding him more often than they should. Sure enough, I walked in the door and she said it was already too late, they had fed him at 5:10PM. HOW does a 3 month old need to eat 20 ounces in 8 hours? Maybe if it was formula, but he doesn't need that much breast milk. He does not. Now he won't eat until 9PM and I had to pump when I got home, almost an hour after he ate, which means we are off schedule with each other.
I had to go ahead and talk to the daycare about this. That last bottle is there in case I, for some reason, have to work until they close at 6:30PM. It is not there so he can gorge himself on too much milk because they want to poke a bottle in his mouth every time he cries. I made them write up on the wall that he is not to eat more often than every 3 hours. I really hate to do that, too. Because I don't want to penalize HIM and make him wait if he is really hungry. I have always fed him on demand. But there is no way for me to say to feed him WHEN HE'S HUNGRY, not every time he makes a peep. Ugh.
So then in the car after showing up to find they fed him anyways, meaning now I needed to have pumped 20 ounces today instead of 15, down came the tears. I have really, honestly, truly had all I can take.
My husband is not making any money but life and bills go on. My job is the only income we have and it's soooo not enough. I have no idea how we will pay our bills this month, much less ever get a chance to quit this job. I have TRIED to put my heart into it. I have prayed that He show me the purpose in me having to stay there. I have prayed that I can do His work there but every day is just more of the same. It doesn't feel like I'm doing His work at all. I don't have a chance to do anything but get yelled at all day by people that think a crack in their bumper has caused their engine to lock up. No, it couldn't possibly be because you haven't changed the oil in the last 30,000 miles. It must be because there is $200 worth of damage to your back bumper that you need a new engine.
Lord, can you hear me? I so need an angel right now to help show me the way. I'm too dense to get the signals I'm sure you have been sending. Please send help. S.O.S.
I think part of it hon is that it's actually your hubby's job to provide and not yours. The insecurity has got to be overwhelming. I've been in your shoes. You simply have to trust that God knows, hon, He knows. He is your provider. Hard to see it sometimes, but I know God cares for you-let Him carry this for you and take his yolk upon you-it is easy and light. ((HUGS)) I am praying for you. And I sent you a PM.
Ryan and Rachael
Parents to Chase, Abby, Hunter, Rachel, Caleb, Hannah & Nate
~Remembering sweet baby Oliver, born to Heaven October 20, 2009, & keeping Carole in our prayers~
Yes, I think a large chunk of the problem is that I schlep my bones to this unrelenting whippin' every day and we are still in this financial pickle. This is a sarcastic question but why even bother working then? I could stay home and have no money. Why do I have to take a daily beating and still have no money? It just doesn't seem fair.
Today has been a much brighter day. I'm at home with my family and everybody is having a great time just being together. I'm getting the house all tidied up. My mood is usually directly tied to the state of cleanliness or dirtiness of the house, so as the day progresses I feel better and better. I thought of a few things I'm going to sell on craigslist that will bring in some grocery money so things are looking up! Nothing like a new day for some fresh perspective.
Ah, how I LOVE the weekends! Aside from one crying jag from Josh, which is really unusual, the weekend was spectacular. The weather outside was beautiful, I whipped up some chicken spaghetti that really hit the spot, and there is a glimmer of hope on the horizon.
DH surprised me with news that he has been writing a "how to" e-book and plans to have it completed by the end of this week. And he has a couple potential new clients that may come in this week at some point. A friend of DH's is one of those internet marketing guru's and is going to market his e-book for a % of the profits once he's done writing it. I thought that was a stellar idea and hope it goes over well. When one door closes, God will throw open a window, right?
DH asked me to make a list of the stuff I'd like to get/do once we are back on track. That is *SO* DH to the core. He is the ever-positive dreamer, glass is half full kinda guy. I really love that about him, though at many times it exasperates me. I'm a "if it's not in the bank yet then I don't believe in it" kind of person. Not really a glass is half empty girl, but not as much of a dreamer as DH. So I think he thought it would lift my spirits to think about some positive stuff, which is not a half bad idea. Here I go:
1) Would like the carpets, tile, and furniture professionally cleaned. We've
lived here 3 years and it's never been done.
2) Would like a plumber to install one of those hot water pumps that draw
water to somewhere in particular (my master bath). I always turn on the
shower to warm up and cross my fingers that it will get hot enough to
3) Would like new sheets and comforter in the guest room.
4) Money to spend on cool new baby stuff whenever I please
5) Perhaps some new clothes for me
6) Family portraits
7) Ooooh, a vacation back to the Fairmont in Scottsdale, AZ. I loved their
spa and on-site restaurant!
Karate lessons for Josh
9) New chairs for the kitchen table
10) A new sofa in the living room, and maybe ditch the entertainment center and put up a wall-hanging big TV. Now I'm just going crazy!
That's about all I can think of right now. And strangely, I do feel a little better.
I had to work until 7:00PM last night, got a call just 6 minutes before I was to leave so ended up staying until almost 7:40PM. Then I had to work all day today (Saturday), and will have more 7PM duty Monday and Wednesday this coming week as well as 6PM duty on Tuesday and Thursday.
I'm teaching a 3 hour class also on Tuesday and Thursday also. Harumph.
I hate being robbed of my time with my family for my "turn" to work on the weekend. DH brought the kiddos up to my work this afternoon so Jonah could eat at my "breastraunt" (LOL) instead of having Daddy give him a bottle. That was a very nice break from work to say the least.
On the financial front, DH's e-book is still under edit so it not yet available, but I think it's getting close. He is working on an investment opportunity or two that might have something in store for us and could have quick access to funds. So he is doing some due diligence and proceeding with caution to see about those possibilities. Will report more once I have some news.
BREASTRAUNT!!!! OMG....that made me laugh so hard I about peed my pants!!!!
Tee hee hee, Rach, it makes me giggle too!
Today was a wonderful, fantastic day! The weather was beautiful outside, my brother came for a visit to see the boys, which makes Josh SOOOOO happy, I got lots of cooking and cleaning accomplished, Jonah was in a spectacular mood all day long, and there is hopeful news on the financial front.
The small stuff: Somehow all but 1 tiny load of laundry managed to get done today. I "washed that gray right outta my hair" this evening as well. I never really have to have the same color all the time---I just look for something in the brown tones that strikes me and I get it. This time it's almost black DH saw me folding clothes and asked me if I was going goth on him. It's good though, I like change and then when I do something lighter it will be really noticeable. Maybe I'll do that for summer time.
I got beef chunks cooked in the crock pot today and got all the veggies prepped and ready to dump in the crock tomorrow. I wanted the meat to be fall-apart tender before adding the veggies so the potatoes won't get all mushy and the onions won't totally discentegrate (sp) into nothing by the time it's done. That will make a good dinner tomorrow.
The grocery shopping also got done and I made some tuna fish and some brownies for munching (separately, of course). I also managed to make some organic veggie stock today with the remnants of all the good stew veggies, which I will freeze for later use. Yum.
Joshua's lunch and Jonah's bottles are all packed and ready to go for tomorrow. Since it's another day of late shift I don't have to be there until 10:30AM, which is nice! Oh, and last week the daycare spilled one of Jonah's bottles and DH had to take them a packet of frozen milk from my stash. Over the weekend I was able to make up for it and put 5 ounces of milk back in the freezer. Yay!!!
The big stuff: There seems to be a very good possibility that DH's investment might be paying off in the next 2 - 4 weeks and if so it will let us be very comfortable in our daily living!!!! This is nothing short of a miracle and I'm trying not to let myself get too worked up over it in case it doesn't come through. If not I know we will still get by somehow because the Lord will take care of us. What a difference a little hope & faith makes!
Golly I love the weekends! Now that Jonah is getting a little older I think I'm about ready to get back to church. I know this is awful but I haven't been taking him because the church nursery is one of the worst places about getting kids sick. Since it's just volunteers there is not the same standard of cleanliness as there is at daycare, and I have found that people will totally bring their kids there when they are sick because they really want to hear the message. There is a mother's room available and I think I could just go sit in there with him during the service. Josh would go to his Sunday School, and DH could sit out in the worship service. I know it might be hard sitting separately, but at least we'd get to go and it's a good compromise with us getting to hear the message but Jonah not having to go to the nursery. Best of both worlds!