Thread: Dancing in the tide

Today a very large monkey hopped off of my back. I have been putting off and putting off taking my big insurance test (well, the first of a long series of tests......but still progress in the right direction) and finally went to take it today. There is good news and bad news. The bad news is that I was able to study for the test a grand total of 6 hours and I should have been studying for the past six MONTHS (no, seriously, I'm not kidding). The exam is entirely essay and involved 3 large books (with almost no pictures, thank you very much) that sat a good 6 inches tall when stacked on one another.

Here comes my rationale (excuses). Look, I am still getting up A MINIMUM of twice a night to nurse baby Jonah. He has had a bad boogery cold for a week and has been up sometimes hourly, sometimes only five times a night. I am very, very, extremely, extraordinarily, painfully low on slumber. I should have been trying to study long ago but if you will recall I had a baby 9 months ago. I have been thinking that my child would eventually sleep through the night, at which time I would cease looking like the walking dead, catch up on my zzz's and have the energy to work all day, come home to rustle up some dinner for the family, get everyone bathed, homework done, house picked up, put the little people down to bed.......and then study in my "spare" time. It just has never really panned out for me that way, so I procrastinated until way past the last minute and then did what I could. I actually didn't even open the last third of the materials.

So I went into the test knowing that I'd only scanned two thirds of the materials. Scanned, as in laid my eyes on them one time. Not as in I was able to study them, memorize theories and examples, come up with clever acronyms to help me remember mindless minutia, or any of the things regular people might do to prepare themselves for an important test.

The testing experience started out hectic because I had to go to a formal testing center that was kinda far away and in an awkward location. I got checked right in and they made me turn all of my pockets inside out while I was on camera being filmed. Then they signed me in and made me store all my wordly belongings except my drivers license in a locker. I was ushered silently to a computer cubicle with a camera shining down on me from every angle. I had felt numbingly calm until the 3rd degree and hubub from the test people.

I took a quick tutorial and then inhaled deeply as I clicked on first question, which simultaneously starts a clock ticking down the three hours you have to complete the test. That sounds like a long time, but when every question is essay and mathematics, it actually goes by in a flash. There were shockingly only a couple questions that I flat out did not know the answer, but I still was able to muster up some kind of crud to write down anyway. I figure there is a chance of getting some partial credit, whereas if I just skipped it entirely I can be assured I'd miss the whole question.

Anyway, they said it would be between a month and three months before my score will be available since an actual live person has to read each and every response and grade my test. However, one of my co-workers said she got her test back in a little over a week, so I actually have no idea how long it might be.

The good news was buried in the above information, being that I feel half-heartedly optimistic that I might have actually passed this test. All I can say is "wing and a prayer".

In other related good news, my house is nice and clean. Because, let's face it----nothing makes housework look more appealing than needing to study for a test that you have almost no possibility of passing!

Great news! I PASSED my insurance test! I just found out today. Actually, I passed it with flying colors! I have no idea how that happened, but it did. I was able to write down some stuff for every question, just hoping that I'd get enough partial credit to save me, and it totally paid off. THANK YOU, Lord!!!!

That's a God thing!!

Today was the first day of my "new" job. (Same company, same department, new boss, new team, new responsibilities/job function, same pay). Can I please just say that I've never been happier? I love it. I love it. I am finally loving my job.

Unfortunately I came home to a DH that is in a FOUL mood. Foul. He is tired of the collection companies calling our phone all day long. I can see how that would get frustrating. If it were me I'd just unplug the phone or turn off the ringer.

Long time, no post. I just don't have much new news to share right now. Same song, millionth verse.

But, I do still love my new job.

The baby is doing great! We moved him up to sleep in his own room last week and he is sleeping better. I don't know if it's because he is not being woken up by DH's loud snoring or what but he is waking up less times at night now. I have been sleeping upstairs with Joshua (which he is loving) because I can hear the baby when he fusses, but am not so close that he hears every time I roll over and exhale. I think with it being quieter in his room is one reason he's not waking up as much. On warm nights I have been turning on a fan in his room and pointing it toward the wall, just to give some white noise in the room. I also turn on his relaxation CD softly, which he loves, and it turns itself off when it's done.

Joshua has been doing really well in school lately. We had a parent/teacher conference a few weeks ago and the teacher had some great things to say about him. He struggles the most with just sitting still and following directions. He gets in trouble for it and she ended up moving his desk right up next to her desk because he was not getting his work done. Funny thing is, he didn't even think of it as a punishment--he liked being there, LOL! Academically he is great. She said the class is reading at a level 2 right now (that is not a grade level 2, so I don't know what kind of ranking system that is) and Joshua is on a level 8, so he is doing great. He's also great at math and anything that is hands-on learning, like science. Overall he just needs to work on his organizational skills, responsibility, and following directions. At home he seems responsible, but I guess it is truthfully because we are always riding his behind to make it so. No TV until all toys are picked up or no playing outside until the bed is made, etc etc. Just trying to help him learn that there are no magical fairies that come to do chores, so you just gotta do them. At school I think they are expected to have their own drive/self-discipline, and I can't speak for all 6 year olds--but mine just doesn't have it yet. At this age he still needs me to drive that bus for him.

Today was a really good day, but Halloween night was......I don't even know how to describe it. Kinda train wreck-ish. This afternoon after the baby went down for his nap DH turned on the TV to rest and I took Joshua to the park to run out some energy since it was a beautiful afternoon. Then we went to Sonic for drinks and then to Wal-Mart for a few groceries. My mom called as we were leaving the store saying she was on her way to our house and would probably beat me there. She stayed for a bit to visit and see the kiddos.

Afterward we carved the pumpkin (I carved, Joshua supervised, LOL) and ate dinner. During/after the dinner hubub (trick-or-treaters started ringing our door bell while we were finishing up dinner) DH was really aggravated for what seemed to be because Josh was not using his "ma'am's/sir's" but ended up saying some really hurtful stuff to me in the process of it, followed by the statement that I could "put that in my craw and think it over". So that pretty much ruined my night. And that was that.

Been there.

...........I came here tonight because I need so badly to talk about something that happened today. Something life-altering and terrible. Something that I suppose has been in the works for a number of years. But it's so fresh that right now I just don't know if I should type anything about it out on the internet, even in my supposedly private journal. So I'm going to sleep on it. I haven't yet decided what path I will take to handle this situation. I don't know what to do and I am all alone.

Things have been pretty darn rough around here lately but I really thought we would make it. I even started to let down my guard, which makes this hurt all the more. I have spent years putting up a nice safe wall around my heart so that I could not be hurt in this way anymore. Ugh, that just sounds so.....chick flick-ish. But whatever. I normally live life with one ear to the ground so I can sense these things before they happen. I just didn't see this one coming this time.

I called a friend and she asked me to bring the boys and come to her house tomorrow afternoon to just hang out and not be alone. But I can't call my parents because I haven't made up my mind on how I'm going to handle the situation. I will definitely tell them, but I don't know that they need to be burdened with my huge issues on a Saturday night. They had a sunday school party tonight and plus I spent the night with them last night and all day today before I found out this news so they've probably had their fill of me for a few days.

I'm at such a big fork in the road and SO MUCH is riding on what I do. It's up to me. Everything is up to me and I don't know what to do. Nobody can advise me what to do and I am so scared. No matter which path I take it's going to be a very hard road. No matter what. And it's not just me, because if so it wouldn't be so important. But my boys. I want the right thing for them but I don't know what that is. I am going to pray and pray about it because that is the only way any light will be shed on this situation. I pray that the Lord will work in DH's heart no matter what happens.

The last 2 weeks have been difficult but have us heading in the right direction. DH got a part-time job yesterday that will let him work 10 hrs each Saturday in December (holiday staffing) and then after Christmas they will probably be able to keep him on staff. If they offer him a full time management position at that time both kids would have to go into daycare/after-school care, but life goes on. I have two people that each would watch Jonah for much less than traditional daycare costs as they are in-home daycare and then Josh would stay at his elementary school in the after-school program. He has actually been asking to go back to it because it was always really fun and he got to be with friends and run around, do crafts, play outside, and eat snacks. All of which are his favorite things to do, LOL!

DH has found a recovery group and will be going regularly. He is also starting into counseling/therapy soon.

I made an appointment with the same shrink but am thinking of canceling because I don't know that I really need therapy.

The best part about all of this is that my husband has gotten up off of his life on the sofa and appears to have entered the world that I live in. He has decided to be a part of his own family as both a husband and a father for the first time in lots of years. Only a short time has gone by but it has been so nice to not have to do everything by myself.

I realized while he was gone that, besides him calling home a bunch of times, nothing was too different for me. Meaning that I really live the life of a single mom with the exception that he takes care of the kids while I am away at work. Things seem to have shifted though. He has made lego contraptions, he has customized the fort, he put out mulch while Josh and I hung Christmas lights out front today. He has helped with dinner and played with the kids while I did something like take a shower. He is being kind and thoughtful instead of snapping and acting like an ***. I much prefer the new husband I received as an early Christmas present this year.

Tomorrow we will go to church together as a family, instead of either not going at all or me and the kids going by ourselves. I'm really looking forward to it and I think after a very very long time of not wearing my wedding ring.........I may put it back on again.

Last night I woke up in the middle of the night but was having the most intense and seemingly real dream. Then I stayed up wondering about the dream and even thought about it off and on all day long today.

I was laying on my back under the covers on "my" side of a king sized bed in a bedroom that was sort of similar to my current bedroom but was not my room. Based on the decor and style of the room and the furnishings, it seemed to take place at an earlier point in time. Maybe in the 40's or 50's.

Anyway, I was laying in bed and there was a man standing at the foot of the bed. It was someone I knew very well and for many years but that I had not seen in a while. He had red hair that was thick and course. It was not long by today's standards, but I told him in my dream that his hair looked pretty grown out like it was. It was still a short haircut, but was parted and had been swept to one side a little. He seemed long and lean, but not lanky, and had ears that were a little long-ish, like older men sometimes get. I would guess he looked to be in his 50's age-wise and he had blue eyes that looked into my soul. His eyes were sad and as he laid on the bed on his stomach next to me, I could see that he had a tear running down his cheek. His knowing eyes looked at me and he said "I'm so sorry that you've been having such a hard time lately." I told him that I would "make (be) a better wife and that I was sorry". He said "I know". He hugged me and then I woke up.

I haven't had a dream that felt so real in a long time. I don't know what it means, or if it has a significance beyond my mind sloughing off thoughts. But it just felt so...familiar.