Dreams are our subconscious way of working through issues that are present in our daily life...but it does seem that God is comforting you. Wow.
Ryan and Rachael
Parents to Chase, Abby, Hunter, Rachel, Caleb, Hannah & Nate
~Remembering sweet baby Oliver, born to Heaven October 20, 2009, & keeping Carole in our prayers~
Happy New Year! Ahhh, resolutions.........
A few of the ones I'm willing to share here are to eat "fresh", exercise, and be better about attending church.
I skimmed through a South Beach cookbook and re-read the essentials of "the diet" before going to the store yesterday. I'm not going to be on "the diet" because as long as my mind hears that word, I will forever be hungry and unsatisfied. So I'm just going to eat "fresh" things. This will involve shopping on the outskirts of the grocery store in the fruits/veggies, dairy, and meats. One possible exception being to venture in to get some picante sauce, because I don't think I can eat eggs without it. I'll make a rule that I can only go in to pick up one quick item and I must hold my breath while I do it, which will ensure I make a quick dash in and back out into safety.
Last night for dinner I served an organic salad mix with those little delicious grape tomatoes, a few slivers of fresh parmesan, and a drizzle of oil/vinegar dressing. OK, I put a few nice quality croutons on top because, again, if I deprive myself of EVERYTHING, then I already know this won't work. I don't think a couple croutons will make me or break me when the alternative is to throw my hands in the air and reach for the cupcakes.
Back to dinner--besides the salad I served rotisserie chicken cut up quite rustically and it was very beautiful with the greens. Then I sauteed some zucchini with a good olive oil and a hint of cayenne & salt/pepper and a bit of fresh parsley. I have to say it was all really GOOD and my palette was so grateful to escape the #1 combo meal from the drive-thru of the day.
(I skipped breakfast today, which I know needs to stop in the future).
For lunch, I made the breakfast I intended on making this morning, but lost track of time. It was an egg beater omelet with garlic, scallions, asparagus, and cilantro. I called it the "mean green egg", LOL! I put some crumbled goat cheese in the middle to get nice and creamy and then, of course, had to top it with a smidge of picante. Because I'm from Texas, that's why It was SOOO delicious. I made Joshua one and he ate it right up, with an "mmmmmmm". Yay!
My taste buds are appreciating this new way of eating. It's the preparation piece that is so hard. I usually eat out for lunch several days a week, so either I'll need to spend some time making my lunch all week instead, or I need to find a way to adapt my new "fresh" way of eating. You will notice the distinct absence of the phrase "low carb" in my words, because that phrase also sends me to the pantry to whisk up some cookies, fudge, or cakes. My mind goes into double overtime panic mode when those horrible little words surface. So whatever you do, please don't bring them up! I'd hate to have to drive all the way to the closest "Sprinkles" cupcake store at the thought of it. OK, no I wouldn't---so don't make me do it!
diet=lifestyle change here. And geez. You're making me hungry!
Baby Jonah is getting SO close to walking. He is cruising the furniture at warp speed, with the touching of the sofa being only a formality at this point. He will remember he is not touching it as he whisks around the room and will then outstretch his little arm as if to say "oh yeah, I should hold on". He keeps taking unaided steps only when I look away, round the corner, or step into another room. I've yet to see it but keep hearing cheers and claps that he just walked 6 feet across the living room.
Joshua is spending the night with my parents tonight and is having a fabulous time with their puppy. They are two wild peas in pods when they get together. At the end of the night, they will both wear themselves out and flop into a heap when they have had enough.
I had to work today (Saturday). Blah. BUT, I managed to stay on "the diet" for the most part. For breakfast I ate the innards of an egg & cheese taquito (yes, with picante sauce) from Whataburger. For lunch, it was a Subway Salad with tuna on it and all the veggies they have to offer. I even got the jalapenos, because everything is better with a little heat on it And thank heavens, because the tuna was a bit strong, ick. For dinner it was grilled beef sausage SANS sauce, which killed the deal for me.
Let me say that as a former vegetarian, you can probably understand that I do not crave the taste or texture of meat. I eat meat solely for the protein value but the rules state that the meat needs to be hidden or disguised. If I have a plain sausage, I need to dip it in BBQ sauce to cover the taste of the meat. Without this, it's just a hunk of nitrates and fat with some burned carcinogens from the char of the grill.
With my nitrates I made roasted asparagus with some EVOO, salt & peppa, and a tad bit of shredded parmesan. They were good. But the lack of sauce on the meat I needed to eat for hunger purposes just overshadowed the meal.
I left the table still hungry and am still hungry now.
I tried to quell my problem by watching the Food Network and that just set my hunger ablaze. So I got up and came to journal about my success today. Haven't weighed today and don't think I will for a week or two. I will avoid watching the yo-yo and plateaus. My focus will be on the positive side of thinking about wearing some smaller britches.
My 6 yr old said it all when he said "Mommy, your hiney jiggles like jello". I will diet until he has something to say to the contrary.
A barrage of status updates on everything that has been going on lately (definitely not in order of importance):
The diet. Today is Jan 6th and I've already caved. I had a Whataburger yesterday and some of today's high points included cornbread, macaroni & cheese, and a bagel w/cream cheese. Fine, TWO bagels w/cream cheese. It's no wonder I have 20 pounds to lose. There will just be days like this. Tomorrow is a new day though!
I worked last Saturday, which means I have off work tomorrow! There was a windchill here of MINUS two degrees today, so tomorrow I will stay in my sweat pants and sleep as much as the baby will allow.
DH went to church with me last week for the first time in a very.....very long time. Afterward the first thing he did was criticize that I was too quiet in church and ask me how I worship the Lord. Silent car ride home. Just no words.
The baby is taking longer and longer stretches of independent steps. He is in the stage of looking so imbalanced that I feel like I am holding him up with my sheer will as he heads cautiously toward his goal a few feet away. I am so wrapped up in him.
Joshua is growing up before my eyes. I don't know how to explain it, but he's transitioning from being a little boy to a kid. He is always saying something that sounds so much more grown-up than I expect from him. He is hilarious and has a personality that just makes me want to be near him. I am also so wrapped up in him My kids are perfect. Please let me be everything to them that they need.
I am planning something artsy for both of them. I've never really painted on canvas before but am working up a few ideas in my mind to do for their rooms.
Tonight I made cornbread and the center of it was undercooked and gooey. I served the goo on top of Lucy's dogfood and thought I was doing a good deed. She got the goo stuck to the top of her mouth and went through all sorts of gymnastics to dislodge it. At first I thought she was choking. My mind went to dog CPR and I was already thinking of clearing the airway and then having to put my mouth over her snout to give her CPR through her nose. Thank the stars above I did not have to go there.
My heart is breaking for a dear friend of mine. I cannot bear to go back and read my journal that covers the child we lost, but I imagine what she is feeling must be similar to that. I wish things could be different for her. I wish I could do something for her that would make one iota of difference. Helpless is how I feel. And incredibly sad.
The dream I journaled about a few weeks ago has been on my mind since then. I am thinking I may have been visited by an angel. The familiarity of his face and the closeness that I felt to him. Why would an angel visit me? Surely there are so many other people that are more worthy. People with bigger problems than mine. (Not to mention that I am apparently too quiet in public church to possibly deserve any attention from the Lord.)
On that note, I'll report in that our current financial situation is still in the crapper, but that I am at peace with that. Have you ever thought you may have heard God talking to you in your head? I was putting the baby down a couple of nights ago and thought I did. And then I wondered if it was just my own mind making it up. Anyway, He said that everything will be OK and I felt peace in my heart. I'm going to trust that.
DH went to his first AA meeting last night out of the clear blue. I had decided he was never going to go. I was nursing the baby to sleep and he just appeared in the room to announce he decided to go. And that was it. He got a sponsor and they gave him his "30 day chip" and some other stuff. He felt like it was beneficial and said he was going to keep going. I hope he does.
He has been cooking dinner most every night, has given the baby a bath (for the first time since he was born!), and has been giving me some random compliments. I still feel a long way away from crawling out from my self-made storm shelter, but at least the bombs have stopped coming my way momentarily.
Last night I was laying in bed and the mental picture that came to mind was a tiny tugboat pulling a really big cargo ship in a hurricane. You know how there are faces on the front of Thomas the Train characters? My tugboat had a face that looked like me and the cargo ship behind me had DH's. In the midst of the storm there were two rays of sunshine breaking through to shine on the tugboat and the rays of light had the laughing and smiling faces of my kids.
Today I exercised. That's a big thing for me! We have an elliptical machine in a guest bedroom that never gets used. I cranked up some music, opened the window to let in some fresh cold air, and hit the elliptical. Not sure how long I went, but it was for about 15 minutes, give or take a little. Then I did some squats, leg lifts, calf raises, push ups, tricep pushes, and crunches. Don't be too impressed. I probably did about 20 of each, LOL! I ended with a really good stretching session and it felt so nice. I haven't worked up to "musty" in a looooong while. I won't say it was a full-on sweat, but I was moist and stinky
It felt really good. I should do it every day. I won't, but maybe I could do it more often than never, which is how often I have been doing it.
Afterward my day has taken a turn for the lazy and fattening. DH heated up some leftover pizza from last night for my "brunch" and then, defeated by carbs, I retired to a dark, quiet room upstairs and rented "The Accidental Husband". A few googley-eye hours later, I am again restored and ready to conquer the rest of the laundry.
Speaking of good movies (but not movies with actors that might make one googley-eyed), I got to see "It's Complicated" one day this past week. I really like Meryl Streep. Not so much Alec Baldwin, which has 99% to do with the bad smack I read about him a few months ago when he was mean to his daughter IRL. Anyway, despite my distaste for him I still enjoyed the movie and actually LOL'd a few times in the theater. Not my favorite story line, but a decent movie.
Not sure what is going on here but I exercised again today! This time for longer. I decided to roughly time the elliptical portion, which was the first 5 songs on the Alanis Morrissette CD. That was between 15-20 minutes.
Then I did some more calf raises, lunges, squats, and a myriad of light weights with my upper arms/chest/back. I could feel some soreness in my abs from yesterday, but they weren't so crazy-sore that it caused me any problems.
Ended with some good stretching and lots of water. The whole workout took 12 Alanis songs. However long that is. Her songs are pretty long.
Sweat report: Still no drippage. I'm waiting on my body to remember how to really sweat. It would probably purge countless preservatives and bad stuff from my fat self to really work up a nice sweat. I guess that is a strange goal, but somehow it is driving me. I was plenty moist and icky, but I'm waiting on an actual bead of sweat to run down my face. Seems like I have my first mission established then.........
For the afternoon goal: Going to the grocery store to keep to the "eating fresh" theme. I will dive into the aisles only for some green tea for me and cheerios for the baby. I will hold my breath (discreetly) so as to not let myself get distracted in any way on my mission "in".
Two steps forward and one step back. First off, I was successful in being good at the grocery store. I took my list with me and got everything on the list. I only picked up a small handful of things that weren't on the list. I did get a few "bad" things because we DO have a 6 yr old in the house! Beyond a few cans of spaghetti-o's and granola bars, everything else I got was healthy.
Breakfast will be yogurt & whole grain granola. I can't believe I'm going to say this, but I'm going to try a sardine sandwich. I just threw up a little bit in my mouth thinking about a fish-body sandwich. But, if Alton Brown can lose 50 pounds eating them 3 x week---then that's cause enough for me to at least sample one to see if I can stomach it. I found some obscenely-seedy whole grain bread that the bakery at the grocery store made to use as the base of the sandwich. From there, a little EVOO goes on and it gets toasted. Then spread a nice layer of smooshed avocado and top with the fish bodies that were in a light marinade of oil, vinegar, s/p, & lemon zest, then top with a little parsley, kosher salt, and lime juice.
I'll post on how it turns out.
Now for the step back. DH was supposed to grill the chicken we put in to marinate this morning but he took a late afternoon nap instead. I skipped lunch because breakfast was so late and by the time he announced he didn't feel like grilling, it was already getting late. You know where this is going. Chinese delivery, exactly.
I did manage to bypass the "General Tso's" chicken and went with a non-fried white meat chicken dish called "Double Mushroom", only had about a 1/2 cup of rice, and then the whole container of hot and sour soup. I'm sure the sauce for the chicken AND the soup both had sugar in them. It was amazingly delicious.
On a MUCH cuter note---baby Jonah has learned (well, sort of) how to blow. His little mouth turns into a perfect puckered circle as he takes in a huge lung-full of air and blows. The result is a high-powered mixture of 3/4 air and 1/4 spit. Very refreshing--I've had so many waves of spit particles blown into my eyes, mouth, hair, and face. But I tell you it is SO cute that all you can do is laugh and blow back to keep the cycle going. I will make a mental note to myself to give the child his own cupcake again at his 2 yr party since I know in advance he's a spit-blower.
We have a near-touchdown. Everyone look around for pigs that have possibly flown straight out of your @$$, because I have now worked out for 3 days in a row. AND, I have quite nearly achieved a full sweat. That's right. After I got off of the elliptical tonight, I thought I felt a strange sensation above my left ear and temple. I put my hand up there, and voila! A sweaty hand returned. I won't be all the way satisfied with my goal until the sweat is actually dripping down my face. This might take either longer durations or harder workouts, or both. But I am nearing success and that is glorious.
I really like moving around at work and feeling wonderfully sore all over. I adore feeling like I got rid of a bunch of impurities and toxins by opening my pores up and pushing the ick out of my body microbe by microbe. It's not the same as getting into a steamy shower. It feels earned.
Tonight for dinner DH grilled the chicken from yesterday and it was really yummy. I had flattened my piece out as if I was going to make papyrus out of it, LOL! Thick meaty flesh is just not mouth-watering for me, but a thin piece with more marinade flavor per square inch is just what the doctor ordered. So I had my big chicken-pancake and the other boys had theirs with BBQ sauce on it. With that we had some steamed broccoli and a lightly-dressed asian coleslaw salad. Oh, and I threw in a few mandarin orange pieces because it turns out baby Jonah wasn't interested in them and I didn't want them to go to waste.
In reporting about my recent success I failed to mention that my weight has somehow increased by two pounds, according to my bathroom scale. This is preposterous, of course. Ridiculous really. I'll try again tomorrow and see if the joke is over.