I have not forgotten you, dear journal. I went out of town this past weekend for my visit with my friend and had so much fun. We laughed all weekend long and that was very good, indeed, for both of us. She is going to be induced on the 19th this month if he hasn't made his debut by then naturally.
Nothing to report on the TTC front because the 2WW drags on still. I will test on the 13th of this month, in 6 days. Actually, I'm sure I'll REALLY start testing about the 11th but I won't put any stock in a negative test until the 15th! (Or until AF shows, LOL!) I have not been feeling my best recently. I know that "they" say you cannot have pg symptoms until you are far enough along to test positive because your body feels queasy over the hormones you are generating. And I believe that, I do. However, my friend (see above---obviously pregnant) that is now having her third child told me that she was sick, throwing up sick, before a week even went by that they TTC and wellllll before the end of the 2WW. She remained sick and barf-ish throughout the majority of her entire pregnancy. I believe her, of course. So I know it's not totally impossible.
Now I was barely sick when I was pg with my son. I like to say he was a wonderful hotel guest, LOL. I had "waves" of nausea and would sit down to let them pass. But I never threw up (except when I got food poisoning from Cheesecake Factory) and right on schedule at my 2nd trimester I felt great. So I am already going to call that if this IS a pg, it's a girl. If it's not, then I could have contracted anything from anywhere since I recently traveled on an airplane.
I am one of those people that cannot possibly NOT try to find out what sort of baby will be arriving. Maybe if I had a boy and girl already I would be open to consider a "surprise" but I really doubt it......a lot. I remember coming home from the hospital with a humongous episiotomy relying heavily on those elephant-sized ice pack underwear from the hospital and a huge can of dermaplast. I cannot imagine having to run over to one of the top ten most germy places in the nation (BRU) to buy a load of pink or blue stuff in that condition. Of course this is from a woman who didn't leave the house with the baby until 10 weeks after the birth with exception of well-baby checkups.
Can you believe it has snowed twice this week here? Snow in Texas---in March. It's crazy! We got 6 inches last night. The day before it was sixty-something degrees. Last weekend it was hot outside. I don't get it but it's fine, we love snow.
Ya know what's weird about the 2WW and the secondary infertility we have been experiencing? Instead of feeling more and more hopeless each passing month, I am starting to feel more hopeful. As much anxiety as the 2WW brings, I found myself this morning humming and smiling as I got ready for work because the limbo period of not knowing that we are not pg gives me a glimmer of hope. We *could*, in fact, be pg and not yet know. It's like my body gets to keep a secret from me and I get tickled about it.
No matter the final result, during those two weeks I get to secretly giggle and wonder about who he/she might be and all of the fun things we will do together and that makes the 2WW a pretty fun time.
I'm not Buddhist by far but I like that saying that it's not about the destination, it's about the journey. And I feel like I might be finally learning to just stop and smell the roses. Maybe I can find happiness while we are wading through the waters of infertility. Who says the journey can't be intriguing and fulfilling? Even if we never become that family of four, I think I would be happy and content with our beautiful family of three.
I love your attitude, Elicia! You are awesome. What a great way to look at it - that your body gets to keep a secret from you for a little while. I can understand about that glimmer of hope; when we were TTC Nick, I loved my 2WW and hated my annovulatory cycles for the very same reason! I am keeping everything crossed for you, dear friend.
Thanks, Sandy! This is the week we get to find out so hold that pose for a few days while you keep everything crossed!
Tonight was our 1st T-ball practice ever. He was excited about signing up for t-ball but then when we told him practice was today he said he didn't want to go at all and then I practically had to pick him up to get him onto the field. He wouldn't talk to anyone as he was so shy and the coach couldn't understand him say his name because he was mumbling. BUT THEN they started teaching them to run bases, hit, throw, and catch and he came out of his shell and started to have the time of his life. By the end of the hour I could barely get him to leave and he said he was very excited about going back for more!
Being the wallflower that I just cannot help being, I just am not a social-bug and usually move very slowly towards making new friends. But I was able to muster up enough to talk with two other moms there that seemed very nice. Josh comes by his shyness naturally I suppose!
It is exciting to me that each parent is assigned to a date to bring snacks for the kids after the games (because I am a dork). I have already decided on what I'm going to make (complements of a lovely lady on my birth board)---hollowed out orange cups with bits of cold oranges, strawberries, and grapes in them. How delicious and refreshing will that be after a game out in the hot, sticky, sandy baseball field? Mmmmm.
Well, I tested this morning and got a BFN. Let me try to muster up a look of shock.....
I guess I'm not officially out of the race yet and in true Mike Huckabee style I'm not calling it over 'till it's over. If AF doesn't show I'll retest on Wednesday and then Friday.
Don't worry, journal, you'll soon have 2 weeks of reprieve from TTC talk after AF shows, LOL! At the moment I've got a one-track mind so I think I'll pop on the MP3 player, listen to some Unanswered Prayers and do some housecleaning. Garth always has the right words.
**I am not a fan of reading downer posts. If you are not then skip this post for today. Hopefully tomorrow will be more cheery**
I'm a little blue today (see above post). Today I was a co-hostess for a baby shower at work. It was just the wrong day for me emotionally to be hosting a baby shower. Over the time we have been TTC I have watched a good friend of mine get pg, hosted a shower at my house for her, she had the baby, and I went to that baby's 1st birthday party. I have watched my best friend get pg, go through the pregnancy, and is due by next week. Two weeks ago I went to a baby shower at my work for a good co-worker friend of mine that is ten years older than I am and has a fibroid the size of a grapefruit that was still able to conceive without any medical intervention. Today the shower for my other pg co-worker. At that shower I found out that another co-worker is pg. I am beginning to feel like I must be a bad person. Nobody can possibly know this many pregnant people in a world as small as the one I live in. It's statistically impossible for this to be a coincidence. The only thing I can think of is that this is my punishment for something I have done wrong in the past.
I can probably deal somewhat gracefully with the infertility itself but this feels like my face is being rubbed in it each and every day. Not by the people having babies but just by the mere fact that everyone around me is having them merrily. Meanwhile, we have been TTC for over two years unsuccessfully.
I finally get pg and then we lose the baby. And life goes on. All of the people I was pg with kept on being pg and I have gotten to watch them get through their pregnancies. My due date of May 21st fast approaches. This was supposed to be such a happy time.
This morning I called my ob/gyn because he also specializes in infertility and I set a consult appt for DH and I. The soonest they could do it is in 3 weeks. I told DH about it and he was supportive except that he said he felt embarrassed about having to give any kind of sample. I cannot even go there right now because a few minutes of embarrassment compared to the desires of your wife's heart should be such a fleeting thought it doesn't even come out of your mouth. I'm not worried about feeling embarrassed about showing my coo-ca to 600 nurses in the labor and delivery room because it's such a non-issue compared to what we are talking about. I don't relish the thought of shoving a canteloupe-sized child out an opening the size of a lemon. It's inconsequential. The 40 weeks of pregnancy would be taking place inside *my* body. All of the aches and pains, swelling, birthing.......*my* body. I'm not complaining about any of that. Remind me how a few minutes of embarrassment is a remotely viable obstacle in this???
At any rate DH was very disappointed when I told him AF came to town and he really had high hopes about this month. So I really hope he gets over his embarrassment factor and can move on to the "what do we need to do to get this done" mind frame.
..........(relaxation music gently playing in the background of a dimly lit room).........and breathe out.........breathe in...........and breathe out.....
Ahhh, I'm feeling much better this evening. 99% of the time I am such a grounded, normal, healthy person. And then there's the 24-48 hour window when my hormones just can't possibly let me be myself. Statistically I suppose that would actually be more like normalcy only 71% of the time based on a 28 day cycle but let's not split hairs about it.
Ok, so people can continue to live and have babies now without fear of sending me through the roof. It's fine, really. I have come down from orbit and all is well. Good to be back.
Let's talk about something besides TTC and babies, shall we? I've been giving my garden some thought. I read that I shouldn't outline the garden bed with treated lumber because the chemicals in the lumber will leach into the ground and into the food. My DH has agreed to do the garden in an east-west direction and it will be about 4 x 8 ft. There is always one last "Easter snap" in Texas so I am not going to be planting anything until after Easter. So perhaps the last weekend in March we will be breaking some Earth! I'm planning to go totally organic, though I guess I can't really call it organic since I'm sure the farmer that grew corn where our house now sits about 3.5 years ago probably used chemical fertilizer on his crops. I'll just say it'll be "all natural". I'm still thinking of doing tomatoes, carrots, beets, strawberries, onion, garlic, and the 1 watermelon plant I've got in a teeny tiny cup that Josh picked up at Wal-Mart a little while back. I'm just going to have a few of each thing so that I can learn about what works and what doesn't and what is hearty and what isn't. This year will be about me learning as opposed to growing some huge amount of food to be able to give away to my neighbors and such.
Oh, and let me report in also on our current sleeping arrangements. All is going so well. He does well sleeping upstairs by himself but he always asks if he can sleep in our room in his car bed first. I will let him sleep in his car bed several nights a week and he is just so happy about it. So long as he goes to sleep at a reasonable time it doesn't matter where he is sleeping. The whole point of ceasing the co-sleeping was because I couldn't figure out a way to have him go to sleep at 8:30PM by himself without me being there. As long as he's asleep by his bedtime and I don't have to stay in there and lay with him (because I will fall asleep every time if I just lay down 'for a minute' with him) for him to be able to fall asleep then all is well. So as far as I'm concerned everything is GREAT! Not only does he get the right number of winks all night long but he's still in the room with us about 8 feet away from our bed! Perfect! I LOVE to listen to him breathing as I lay down and close my eyes at night. He is just the most precious, perfect blessing I could ever have bestowed upon me and it is truly my honor to get to be his loving mom.
Last edited by Joshiesmom; 03-13-2008 at 12:12 AM.
Reason: forgot something!
T-ball practice was less than desirable tonight. First off, there are 3 coaches for the team and only 2 of them showed up. And 1 of those was like 15 minutes late to show. So for the first 15 minutes there was mass chaos for this 1 poor guy and although there was a whole bunch of parents there (including a dad) nobody offered to help him. Call me what you want but I just kept looking at that dad to step in and help out. Finally the coach asked the parents if he could have some volunteers to help so I and another mom and that dad all volunteered and it was still chaotic.
Then this one little boy that was misbehaving decided he liked my son and kept hitting him with his glove in my son's back and stirring up a play fight. Then the two boys were distracted from the rest of the group. Josh would look at my face and then get back in line like he knew he was supposed to do and then that other little boy would put him in a wrestling hold from behind him and start stuff all over again. This little boys' mother was sitting RIGHT next to me and she said nothing to him. Finally I got up and walked over to the line where they were standing waiting their turn to catch ground balls and told Josh he needed to pay attention and stand still in line. The other little boy then kept on hitting and spinning even though I was standing right there telling them to stop. Still the mother did nothing. Lady, I am not going to discipline your kid. But obviously you can see that I'm telling MY kid to ignore yours and stand in line and your kid just won't take a hint---are you blind? So then I go back and sit in my sideline chair to watch with everybody else. Guess what? That same kid gets behind my kid in the line for batting practice and starts the same stuff up. I called him out of line to come see me at my chair so that the other little boys' mother could hear my words to my own son loud and clear. I told him "just because that other boy is acting inappropriately does not mean that you will do so. You are being disrespectful to your coach and there will be consequences if you do not go stand in line and listen to your coach". He said "yes ma'am" and went back to get in line. The other kid starts it up again. Josh ignores him and does nothing. Then the kid starts throwing grass on top of Josh's head and poking him. The other little kid's mother did nothing. FINALLY, practice ended. Josh came over and I told him that next time someone is antagonizing him to just turn around say "leave me alone, I'm trying to listen to the coach" and then turn back to the front and ignore him from then on out.
The mother sitting directly on the other side of me leaned over and said by the end of practice to me "your poor little one" because she could see that he really was trying to do the right thing and this other kid would just.not.leave.him.alone!
Let me just say this. I am not "that mom" that is the competitive crazy lady that wants my kid to be the fastest, best, strongest player. But when your kid won't leave my kid alone time and time again, you better believe that I will be saying something directly to the mother at the next practice and it will not be pretty. She has had enough non-confrontational warnings from me because I know darn good and well she was watching and listening to me for the whole practice and she did NOTHING.
Today is such a beautiful day outside! Sunny and a little windy but nice none-the-less. I think we are planning to start our garden today! Right now DH is outside picking up dog poo in the yard and will then mow the first mow of the season. Some of the grass in the back is over 4" tall and bright green. Luckily the front does not look as shaggy since we have a different variety of grass growing in the front yard and it is mostly still dormant right now. But it won't be long as I see the green starting to emerge.
At work they are offering some discounted tickets to the Six Flags amusement park that is about 45 minutes - 1 hr from our house and I think we are going to go! It's for Saturday, April 12th and we can purchase up to 6 tickets so we are going to take my brother, his wife, and her son that is just a few years older than Josh. The boys play so well together and will have an absolute blast. Josh is a HUGE fan of roller coasters and now that he is 43" tall, he will be able to ride the loop-de-loop roller coaster!!!! Can you believe that? The height requirement is 42". He is going to FLIP OUT from excitement. The funny thing is that I can actually remember when I was 42" tall and got to ride this exact same roller coaster for the 1st time. Six Flags has been around as long as I can remember and the 'Shockwave' was the 1st looped roller coaster I ever rode. How cool that it will be Josh's 1st looped coaster also!
In October 2005 (Josh would have been 2 yrs 3 months) we went to Disney World and we rode the 'Barn Stormer' coaster. IMO this coaster was way too rough for someone his age and I 'bout freaked out once we got on it and it started going so fast. I was holding on to him like there was no tomorrow and he was just holding his arms up and giggling with delight the whole time. That's when I knew he had 'the bug' also He gets that from me!