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    Posting Addict Mommy2Cal&Major's Avatar
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    Default Diary of a Single Mom

    I decided to start a journal, mainly so that I can have somewhere to say whatever I'm thinking, and also because I know that there are other single moms out there & I want them to know that they're not alone. I've kept a journal nearly my entire life, but the last couple years I haven't kept one, and it just seems like I felt more sane when I had one, haha. Hopefully I'll be able to sit down every couple of days & write about my crazy life as a single mom!

    I guess I should start by introducing everyone.

    I have two sons; Calvin is 5 & thinks he knows everything now that he's in kindergarten. He talks constantly, he's inquisitive, extremely intelligent but equally as hyper. He inherited his dad's emotional side, and my smart-*** side.

    Major is nearly 15 months old and he's the boss. He knows he's the boss, and if anyone forgets, he's quick to remind them that this is his world & we're all here to entertain him and tend to his needs. He doesn't talk much yet, probably because his brother never shuts up long enough to let him talk. Also, he currently will not eat anything unless it's covered in ketchup. I hope this phase passes quickly because I cannot stand the sight, smell, or taste of ketchup.

    And then we have me. I'm 22 years old, and I'm currently divorcing Major's father, we'll just call him 'B'. I married B when I was 18 years old, fresh out of a marriage from Calvin's dad (who we'll call 'C') and eager to fall in love again. We only dated for 7 months before we got married, and Calvin was 14 months old. I loved B with all my heart & gave him everything he ever asked for, but he couldn't quite get over the fact that he hadn't dated enough girls before whisking me down the aisle (more like up the courthouse steps, but hey, a girl can dream ) and after 4 years of a rocky marriage, we finally called it quits for good on October 29th of this year. I married Calvin's dad, C, when I was 16 years oldbecause I got pregnant & we both felt that it was the right thing to do. It wasn't quite the fairy tale I had imagined, and 6 months after Calvin was born, I left him & moved back home.

    I was a SAHM, but once B moved out I got a job at a grocery store. It's only part-time, but since I'm getting child support from two men, part-time pay is really all I need. I know eventually I will need to work full-time, but I'm holding out for a really great job with awesome benefits. My grandma lives a few blocks away & babysits Major while I work, and all I have to pay her is a gallon of milk a week, haha. My mom lives about a block from her, so I have two babysitters anytime I need them. I couldn't do it without my family here with me.

    I think that pretty much sums up the introductions...and Major is crying in his high chair because *gasp* I'm not looking at him! So I better go tend to him. Hey- only one hour til bedtime!!
    Last edited by Mommy2Cal&Major; 11-29-2007 at 10:37 PM.

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    I just got on the scale this morning, and I am happy to report that I am down 20 pounds since October 11th! Not only that, but I finally broke 160! I haven't been in the 150's in over 3 years. I have atleast 15 more pounds to go, but I should be able to do that by my birthday (Jan. 25th) I am so incredibly excited, I can hardly believe that I've lost 20 pounds! The first 10 came off quickly because of stress, but I actually worked for the last 10 Yay me!
    Last edited by Mommy2Cal&Major; 11-29-2007 at 10:37 PM.

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    Ugh. I am so sick of all this dramatic bullsh*t going on between me & B. One minute he loves me, wants to get back together, etc, and the next thing I know he's telling me that he won't talk to me unless it involves visitation. Then 5 minutes later he's calling me again, telling me for the 7835th time that he's sorry & wants to come home. Argh!!! It's so frustrating! I don't want to get back together with him at all. He was controlling & selfish, and treated me more like a maid than a wife. I'm extremely happy on my own, and there's no way I'm going back to the way things were.

    The only real problem I have is that his new girlfriend is a disgusting, horrible person, and it drives me crazy that he has our son around this girl sometimes. About 6 or 7 months ago, I found out that he was talking to this girl via myspace. I saw their messages, and she knew that he was married & had children, yet she didn't care. I confronted him about it & he swore he'd stop speaking to her, and a week later I found out they were still talking! Except instead of using myspace, they were talking on the phone. I confronted him yet again, and sent her a message on myspace asking her to please leave my husband alone. She sent back this nasty reply about how she was sleeping with my husband & he didn't love me, etc, etc. Needless to say, the trust was pretty much gone after that. So it really bugs me that he's still seeing this girl, but I realize that I have to just let go. He's not mine anymore, and what he does is his business, not mine. If he wants to run around with some ***** (who is also married, I might add!) and catch who-knows-what diseases, thats his problem. Not mine.

    B is off work on Tuesday, Wednesday & Thursday. I called him just a while ago to find out if he was coming over this evening to see the boys. "I'm not sure, but I'll let you know" is the reply I get. I tell him that tonight would be better than tomorrow night, because I have plans to go out tomorrow night. So he tells me that HE has plans to go out TONIGHT. Ok, whatever. The boys were going to stay with my mom tomorrow night while I went out (I have a date with a fireman, hee hee!) and B told me that Thursday night he was going to a bar with some friends to see a band. All I am seeing from him is that going out to bars is more important than spending time with the boys. He'd rather go out tonight than come see them, and it really makes me upset. He did say that maybe he'd come over tomorrow evening and keep them while I went out instead of leaving them with my mom, but he "didn't know yet." geez.

    Ok, I'm done venting! I'm on my lunch break right now & I'm sitting in a quiet house with an hour all to myself, yay! I have a date with an extremely good looking firefighter tomorrow night, and possibly a date this weekend with another guy Did I mention how much fun I'm having being single? haha. I love being able to do what I want! I've been happier since B moved out than I have been in years. I finally feel like I can breathe. I never realized how much he dragged me down until he wasn't here anymore. I still have to deal with his phone calls, and everytime I see him he hugs me & tries to kiss me, and won't stop telling me how much he loves me, how great I look, etc etc. I'm sick of hearing it, but to be honest, it's a little fun listening to him, because I know he's miserable. I can't help but be happy about that, and I know its wrong. But the main reason we split up was because of his actions. I take a tiny bit of pleasure in watching him suffer.

    Well, I guess that's my journal entry for the day. I'm gonna grab something to eat & head back to hell, er, work!
    Last edited by Mommy2Cal&Major; 11-29-2007 at 10:38 PM.

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    Wow. What a craptastic day I had... Work went OK except for when I was loading some 10lb bags of ice into a cart, and the cart rolled off the sidewalk & tipped over, sending two 12 packs of Mountain Dew spewing all over the parking lot. Thankfully a couple girls I work with saw me through the window & came out to help me. They laughed & said not to worry, it could happen to anyone, and helped me pick everything up & get new 12 packs of Mountain Dew, haha. Then when I got home, there was a notice on my front door saying that my electricity had been cut off. WTF?! I paid the bill! I was so pissed, I drove down to the electric office & demanded to know what the hell the problem was. Apparently, the check I wrote for the payment was returned because there wasn't enough money in mine & B's joint account. I got paid today from work, so luckily I was able to pay the $230.63 to get it turned back on. Geez.

    I went to my nana's house to pick up Calvin since he was over there playing after school. Out of nowhere, my nana bombards me with this bullsh*t about how I am acting like Britney Spears & my kids are going to be taken away from me, all because I went out dancing last Wednesday with some friends. What the hell??? My children were with a responsible babysitter whom they absolutely love, I went out dancing with a couple friends. Yes, I may have drank a few too many beers, but I was responsible about it! I had a designated driver who drove me home & made sure I was ok. When I got home, I drank some water & I was fine. The boys never woke up during the night, and even if they had, I was more than capable of caring for them. It just really pisses me off that she totally attacked me like that. I'm 22 years old, not 16. I'm a responsible adult. I am a single mother, working a crappy job to support my children & put food in their mouths & clothes on their backs, and because I go out with my friends ONE NIGHT, I am like Britney Spears? Give me a break! I told her she was worrying too much & she kept on griping at me, so I took my children and left. There aren't many things that I'm good at, but I know I am a great mother. I love my children more than anything in the world, and I would do anything for them. Is it so wrong to enjoy my life & have fun once in a while? Do I not deserve to go out with my friends, have a couple beers & dance once in a blue moon?

    I've been married pretty much since I was 16. I never had a typical teenage life, nevermind the typical college life. I know I will never have that, and I'm fine with it. I wouldn't trade my two gorgeous boys for anything. But forgive me for loving my newfound freedom & wanting to enjoy my life. You only get one shot at life, you might as well enjoy it. And I am not doing anything to put my children in any harm. Never have, never will. My nana is around me alot, and has told me numerous times that I am a good mother. Why is she acting like this? It just upsets me to think that she thinks I'm a bad mother, or that I'd rather be out partying than be with my kids. Ugh!

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    Oh, I was supposed to go on a date with a cute fireman, but he told me that he is moving on December 9th to a town 4 hours away! WTF? I cancelled the date. I told him that I liked him, but didn't see the point in going out with someone who was moving. it's pretty pointless... He understood but said he'd still like to try to be friends. I'd already arranged babysitting for last night, so I took advantage of the free time and went to hang out with my friend Jay. He's in the Army & lives on post, so I went there and hung out in the barracks, haha. We just hung out and talked, and he let me vent about alot of the bullsh*t going on between B and I. I'm glad that I have such amazing friends who listen to me gripe about the same crap, over and over again, and just hug me & tell me everything is gonna be alright.

    We hung out for maybe an hour & a half, then I left to drive back home (it's a 45 minute drive) when my friend Cory called me. He was having problems with his wife -again- and wanted to vent, and since he lives in the same town as the Army post, we met up at IHOP and had dinner together. I feel terrible for him, and my heart just breaks for him because he is in such a crappy situation. To make a long story short, he has been friends with & dated this girl for about 6 years. When they weren't dating, she had a child with someone else (this child is now 4) and they dated again, then broke up & she got pregnant by someone else. When she was about 5 months pregnant with this baby, she was in a really tight spot with money & no insurance, and she begged Cory to marry her. He thought that they could make things work even though they'd always had a rocky relationship, and he even says he knew it was a bad idea at the time, but he married her. The baby is now 6 weeks old & he loves this baby like he is his own. He just beams when he talks about him Anyhow, when the baby was 2 weeks old, his wife (who is 19) got mad at Cory for something stupid, and took the baby to stay with her family in Texas, 8 hours or so from where we live. Cory has realized that he doesn't love her, he just loved the idea of loving her, and he's incredibly unhappy. He told her that he wanted a divorce, and she promptly came back to live with him. She's only been home 4 days, and they are just fighting constantly. When he was on the phone with me, I could hear her screaming at him.

    So, we ate a lovely dinner of waffles & eggs at IHOP, and he poured his heart out to me. When we were done, I still had a while before I needed to be home, so I drove across town with him to a smoke shop so he could get his cigarettes. He just talked and talked and talked, and I was so sad for him. When he talks about his situation, he just looks so numb. Like his eyes have no emotion in them, just completely blank. I hugged him when we got back to my car, and he hugged me back so hard. I knew he needed to get everything out, and I was glad that he talked to me.

    OH! On a positive note, I got my own checking account opened today! Yay me! I am going to have my paychecks direct deposited into it, too. I got my first paycheck today, and it felt great, until I had to go spend it all on the electric bill. And the electric bills for November will be due by December 15th...ugh. Tomorrow I get child support from Calvin's dad, so that makes me feel so much better! Also, B said he would pay the entire house payment this month, woohoo! So, I guess today wasn't quite so bad afterall.

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    Posting Addict Mommy2Cal&Major's Avatar
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    Work yesterday was a nightmare. Everyone got their disability checks in the mail & came to the store to cash them. I cashed over 20, just in my register. I know the other girls had about the same through their lines, too. We only keep so much money in our tills at a time, so I had to keep calling the manager to get money from the safe, and each time you do that, you have to fill out a paper saying how much money was put into your drawer, what time, etc. I got $1,000 out of the safe 6 different times...and I was only at work for 7 hours! I was supposed to get off work at 3, but the girl who was supposed to come in was late, and we were crazy busy, so I didn't get out of there until 4:15. When I got to my car I realized that I'd left my window down & it had rained all day...so my drivers seat was soaking wet. I had to drive all the way home with a cold, wet butt. It's kind of funny now that I think about it, but I was beyond pissed yesterday!

    My nana was mad because I was late picking up Major, and she said she called the store & *****ed at my manager. Oh, great. After that, the day improved. It was my grandpa's birthday so we went to see him & he really enjoyed seeing the boys. After we left there, I treated the boys to dinner from their favorite restaraunt, Sonic. Haha! My friend Mollye came over & we hung out and talked for aa long time. It was really nice getting to hang out with her, we both work, she goes to school full time & I have two kids, so we don't get hang out alot anymore, so I really enjoy spending time with her. She's like an aunt to the boys, and doesn't get to see them nearly as much as she'd like to. Around 11:30, my friend Cory called to see what I was up to, and he ended up coming over and hanging out with us. I guess this is a good time to mention that I have a HUGE crush on Cory, lol. He's tall, he has gorgeous green eyes & dimples, and I just melt when I'm around him, haha. I'm such a dork, I know! Anyways, Mollye went home around 1:30 and Cory and I ended up making out on my couch until about 4:15am... I have no idea how is happened, it just did. It was amazing =] I went to bed about 5, and the boys slept until 9, so I'm going on 4 hours of sleep, haha. I know it's my own fault & I'm gonna be dragging all day, but it was worth it.

    My nana just called and asked if Calvin could spend the night. She said she'd like to keep Major too, but she was afraid he wouldn't sleep. I saw the opportunity and took it, lol. I sweet-talked her, saying that Major would sleep fine, because he always sleeps at her house. He's never spent the night, but he's stayed until 1:30 before, and he went to be at his regular time of 8:00. I told her how my friends are throwing a going away party for my friend Rick, because he's getting deployed to Iraq this week, and I really want to go & see him before he leaves, and she said she'd think about keeping them both. I think I might have her talked into it. I can usually talk her into things pretty easily. She said she was gonna take a shower & clean up their play room and she'd call me in a couple hours.

    I really hope she keeps them both. If she calls back & says she's still not sure, I'm going to resort to begging. I thought I was going to have to miss this party, and now I see a glimmer of hope, and I'm determined to go! The party is at my favorite place to go dancing, and best of all- Cory will be there. I have had a crush on him since day 1, but since kissing him last night, he's all I can think about! My heart flutters when I think about him, haha. I feel like a damn school girl with a crush, but I like it. I haven't felt this way about anyone in a long, long, LONG time, and I forgot how amazing it felt to have such a huge crush on someone and then finally get them.

    Wow, I ramble. I guess that's why I started this whole thing. I just need to get out all the thoughts in my head, and typing is easier than writing in an actual journal. I don't know if anyone will read this or not, but I hope if anyone does, they enjoy my crazy life, lol. Well, Major just poked Calvin in the eye, so I better run!

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    Posting Addict Mommy2Cal&Major's Avatar
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    I think I've figured ot what my problem is with men. I am not the kind of girl who beats around the bush about things. If I like a guy, I will tell him. Guys like a chase, they like to play games, and I'm just not into that. Therefore, I have a hard time getting guys. No, I have an easy tim GETTING guys, it's keeping them that I seem to have a problem with. I guess I'm just too easy, no pun intended, lol. I'm just getting really sick of this crap. Being single was awesome at first. But I'm just getting sick of the chase. This whole "I like him, does he like me? Why didn't he call me yet? He said he likes me, but now he says he wants to date othe people, why?" thing is getting old.

    I just want to be secure with someone. I want to be with someone who treats me the way I deserve to be treated, who appreciates all my quirks, who loves me for who I am. I just want someone to think about, whom I know is thinking about me, too. I have never been single for very long. I like being with someone, I guess...

    Blah. I've had a crappy weekend. I've had 7 hours of sleep since Friday, and I worked 8 hours today, and I have to be in at 8am tomorrow... I am just so drained physically, and I have all of this emotional, dramatic crap going on with a guy, and I'm just so drained... I'm going to finish watching Desperate Housewives & go to bed!

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    Tomorrow B & I have an appointment with a divorce lawyer. It's also B's birthday... I feel bad for scheduling the appointment on his birthday, but this was seriously the only time I could get in with him before he goes on vacation for Christmas, and I onlt got this appointment because the lawyer is friends with my parents. I don't know how I feel about actually moving forward with this whole process. I'm happy about it, but also a little nervous at the same time. I just don't want things to get sh*tty between us. I want to stay civil for the boys' sake. Hopefully we can agree on everything tomorrow & it won't be any more traumatic than it absolutely has to be. I bought B a card from the boys, and one from myself, and a new playstation game for his birthday. I know he feels like crap about his birthday this year, so I thought it would be nice. Our friends are taking him out tomorrow night I think, so hopefully he cheers up. I don't know why I care that he's depressed, but I do. I guess if you're with someone for nearly 5 years, its hard to stop caring about them.

    On a positive note, today wasn't too bad at work. The lady who threw the onion at me the other day came in, through MY line -AGAIN!- and was hateful to me. I was just as sweet as I could be LOL.... I wasn't gonna let her get to me. I had a crappy weekend, but decided that the rest of my week is going to be great. A friend of my mom's talked to me today & told me that she has a position open in her office. It's 30 hours a week, benefits, weekends off, and it's a government job. She said the only applicants so far don't stand a chance, and she told me to come see her in the morning & she could talk to me about it, and if I was interested, I can apply. I'm not sure exactly what it entails, but I know it has something to do with the agricultural happenings in the county. It's an office job, and computer skills are required. I have awesome computer skills, so hopefully I get the job. I like working in the grocery store, I like the girls I work with and I like interacting with people, but lets face it, I need stable hours & insurance! Plus, I highly doubt anyone would throw an onion at me there!

    I'm also excited because my long-time crush & I are talking alot more lately. He knows how I feel, and he said he feels the same, but there is just alot of drama going on with my whole situation with B right now, and he doesn't want to get in the middle of it. Once everything blows over, I'm hoping we can give a relationship a try. But until then, I'm going to do my own thing.

    I did end up talking my nana into keeping both boys Saturday night, and I went out and had a ton of fun with my friends! I danced, had a few drinks, gave a few guys my number (and turned down about 10, lol) and just had a super time, until this one guy that I was sort-of seeing wanted to get me involved in his drama. I'm not gonna get into details, but good grief! I don't need any more drama, lol. I separated myself from it though, so hopefully things get better. I was super depressed about it all yesterday, but I'm feeling better now. I need to sleep, haha. I was planning to go to bed early last night, but ended up talking to a friend for a long time & didn't get to bed til 1:30, and I got up at 6. Blah. I really want to take a bubble bath tonight, but I don't even think I have energy for that!

    I've lost another 2lbs, so that now puts me down 22lbs since October 11th. My size 12's are falling off of me, but I don't want to buy any 10's because I am PRAYING that at some point in the near future I get down to an 8! My love handles are damn near gone, my thighs don't rub together anymore, and my stomach is smaller. I will never have a flat tummy because my muscles split during my pregnancy with Calvin, and I will always have a saggy little pouch, but if I can get rid of all the fat & actually have abs underneath that flab of skin, I will be happy. I'm going to go to my exercises and then maybe take a bubble bath =] And try not to think about the lawyer appointment tomorrow lol.

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    The meeting with the lawyer went well. B wants to give me $75 more per month in child support than he's required, and I am keeping the house, and though we will have joint custody of Major, he will live with me. B's going to pay all Major's medical costs, etc, so I'm happy about that. I was trying not to think about how weird it felt to walk into that office. Both of the secretaries are people whom I know personally, and it was all fake smiles & small talk. B and I were sitting on a couch waiting for the lawyer to call us back, and he said "I never thought we'd end up here..." and got choked up. I kind of felt numb the whole time we were talking with the lawyer. We were deciding on money, who got what furniture, and the lawyer was advising me to get the portion of B's pension that I am entitled to, but I decided that I don't want it. It would really piss B off, and honestly, it just isn't worth fighting about. The longer we fight & drag this thing out, the worse it will be. I was to get it over with as quickly as possible. We should be able to file the papers within the next 2 weeks, and then there is a 90 day waiting period because we have a child together who is under 18, and then after 90 days, we go see the judge and that's that.

    All day I haven't been myself.. I just feel so weird. I'm trying not to think about it, because all the thinking in the world won't change it. And it's not that I'm sad about divorcing B, I guess I just miss the way we used to be a long time ago. But things have been bad between us since before I got pregnant with Major, and the last 6 months everything has gone downhill fast. I feel a little bit better though... I didn't want to put off the process any longer. I just want it over with.

    In better news, yesterday my mom spoke to a friend of hers who works in the courthouse. She has alot of involvement with 4-H and works closely with Oklahoma State University. Well, she told my mom that had an opening in her office, and that I should go in and talk to her! I went in today after speaking with the lawyer, and talked to her & another guy who works in the office. They were telling me all about what I would have to do, etc, and its right up my alley. I would be doing alot on the computer as far as updating their website, writing small articles for the newspaper, choosing photos for the newspaper, etc, and would get to help out with the county fair & stuff like that. The job is 30 hours a week with benefits. I would be working for the state of Oklahoma, so the benefits are good & there is a retirement as well. And the starting pay is over $4 an hour more than what I make at the grocery store. Another friend of my moms is best friends with someone who works in the office, and she called over there & gushed about me and told them basically that they need to hire me because I would do a great job at it, and I needed a good job like this really bad. I filled out my application & turned it in today, so I'm going to keep my fingers crossed!

    Tomorrow I have a dr's appointment... My doctor has me on a weight-loss drug, and it's working really well, but I have to go in monthly to see him & get my blood pressure monitored. I'm going to ask him about putting me on a different birth control, too. I'm on the pill and I HATE it! I have Hashimoto's, which makes my cycle all wacky, but the medication I take for it and the birth control pills I'm on SHOULD make me be somewhat regular, but I got my period on November 19th and I haven't stopped bleeding since! Grrr!!! I'm sick of this, lol. I want to try the depo shot. I have a friend on it and she likes it, and she doesn't have periods, so I might give it a shot. No pun intended

    Hopefully Major sleeps all night again. He has been STTN every night for a couple weeks now. He used to always wake up at 5-6 am for a bottle, but not anymore. So, we are down to only the night bottle now, and tonight I didn't give it to him and he went down just fine. I hope we can get rid of them soon! I'm going to bed... it's only 9:30, but I have to be at work at 8am, and I'm still not all caught up on my sleep yet.

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    I am still friends with alot of B's friends, and one of them posted a bunch of pictures on his myspace from B's birthday outing last night, and it was like a car crash.. I had to look. And sure enough, there were a couple pictures of B with HER. It made me sick to my stomach. She's just so...UGLY! There's no other way around it, the girl is UGLY. I don't even know why I care...ugh. I mean, I'm no Cindy Crawford or anything, but compared to this girl, I am drop-dead gorgeous. I just don't understand how B can from being with me, to being with... THAT! I know I seem so childish, and I really shouldn't care. I mean, we split up. The papers are going to be filed within the next couple weeks, and I've moved on. I've gone on dates, and not to brag, but I currently have 3 guys who "courting" me, lol. They're all nice, and I like them for different reasons, but there really is only one guy whom I feel is worth pursuing a relationship with right now, and I can't have him. I have been infatuated with him for a long time, but never thought too much about it because I was married. However, now that I'm single, I've made a few subtle (and not-so-subtle) hints that I am very interested in him. Much to my surprise, he's made it quite obvious that he's interested in me as well... But there is just one catch, and it's a HUGE catch... I can't say what that catch is, because I know that B knows people who are on PG.org, and I'm sure every word I say will be reported back to him. That's if he's not reading it all himself. He knows I post here, he knows my username, and he's a snoop. I'm sure he reads everything I say, so I have to be careful.

    Like I said, I don't know why I care, and I really should've let it go, but when I talked to B on the phone tonight (he's keeping Major tomorrow while I work, so I wanted to be sure he knew what time to get here) I couldn't help myself. I told him that his girlfriend looked like Shrek (she does, I promise!) and that he must be desperate for some action. I went on to made some more very rude comments that I can't repeat here, and he got pretty pissed. Rightly so. I should've shut my big mouth, but I couldn't help it. I just don't understand what on earth any man could possibly find attractive about this girl. I know looks aren't everything, but when you initially meet someone, yes, looks are a factor. He's also made fun of a couple of the guys that I have dated recently, so I kind of felt the need to give it back to him. I feel stupid for it now, and it was immature, but it was just too easy. I felt it had to be said. A few of B's friends have even told me that his new girlfriend is an ugly skank (she even hit on B's best friend!!) and that I am so much more attractive than she is. One friend told me "It's like he traded in his BMW for a Gremlin." Hehe... I know that I got the better end of the stick in this whole thing. I am single & loving it, most of the time, and I have physical custody of Major, and B is paying me a hefty amount of child support, and I got the house. I am laughing at him on the inside. I know he's miserable, living in a spare bedroom of a friend's apartment, he has no money, all of his belongings are here except for his clothes, and he's made it no secret that he desperately wants me back. I love him, but I can't help but point and laugh at him. This is pretty much all his own doing. He dug his own grave. I'm not innocent, but anything I ever did wrong was a direct result of his wrong-doing towards me. Plain and simple. Why do I care that his girlfriend is an ogre?

    I think I've decided that if I ever get serious with anyone again, I want an older man. Atleast 30, maybe as old as 40. All the guys my age just want to play these bullsh*t games, and I'm sick of it. It's fun now, although stressful, but for now its fine. But I don't want to settle down with someone my age. I feel and act much older than I am, and I just want someone I can relate to mentally. Also, older guys are more stable. And hopefully I can find one with some money, lol. I'm not going all 'Anna Nicole' or anything here, lol...

    I guess thats all I have to say.

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