Don't lick the dog!

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Joined: 04/05/02
Posts: 97
Don't lick the dog!

I did this before, the whole journal thing, I gave up, but I sort of feel like maybe I need to start up again. I have too much going on in this crazy life, and sometimes, it's just what the doctor ordered to get it out, even if it's just floating here in cyberspace...
Hmm, where to start? I'm almost 29, I spent 6.5 years in the Air force, where I met Zac, my dh, got pregnant with Aidan, moved to Germany, and here I sit. Mommy of a 2 year old little boy who I adore more than I thought possible, and pregnant with what I've been told is a little girl, who I cry over day after day, but more on that later. I want to be more than wife and mother again, I want to work, to have more me, and less of everyone else, does that make sense? I love being Mommy, but I need to be Alicia again, more of her than I am right now.
I'm an only child of a cold hearted man, and a clinically depressed mother. I know from experience it's possible to love someone whole heartedly and at the same time dislike so much about them it almost hurts to be in thier presence. This is my relationship with my parents. I've lived overseas for 2.5 years and I've not been home to visit in over 3. I feel unwelcome, like a burden, something to be dealt with, so I don't go home. It's heartwrenching to want what you don't have. I've tried my whole life to be what they wanted me to be. Through loving my own child, I don't understand how they could let me feel this way, how they could care so little, be so cold.
My husband is a good man, he treats me better than any man ever has in my life. He has his own story, and I sometimes wonder if all those experiences from our past is what brought us together. He's my best friend, but isn't that how it should be? We still after 7 years together stay up at night with the lights off, talking like a couple of kids told to go to bed already, we're that kind of friends still. I have someone I can talk to, someone to calm my fears, someone who makes me laugh, I am so blessed.
My son is just, simply, Aidan. We appropriately named him Aidan Storm (it means Fire Storm), he's a bundle of energy and light. He's not always easy, but I expected that. He is very eager to please, and sweet natured. He makes me so proud every day, that I get to be his Mommy. He's been a great source of healing for me, of growth in myself.
The new baby, what a whilrwind this pregnancy has been. I had surgery when I was just 13 weeks pregnant with her. I now have one ovary, and a scar the size and location of a c-section to show for it. she's measuring small. I get told at each appointment not to worry, but why the consultants, why the endless frequent appointments? I cry, A LOT. I see German doctors, in German hospitals, I get medical information and advice in broken English, and I want to scream at the top of my lungs every time I have to see a doctor, get an ultrasound. I've gotten zero support from the patient liason from the insurance "company", although I'm supposed to be getting help from her for translation, and just plain making sure my rights are being protected, that eerything is happening as it should. There's a sign in their office, "I put the I CARE in Tricare", I want to laugh whenever I see it, they couldn't care less. My complaints have gone unanswered, swept under the rug, like I don't matter. This fight is far from over.
Now here we are, the holiday season coming to an end soon. This has been one heck of a crazy year. When it's all said and done though, I"m stronger, and I"m better for it, I chose to learn from it, grow from it. What else can I do, feel sorry for myself? I refuse. This is MY story, and it's only just begun...

Joined: 04/05/02
Posts: 97

Why must I grin and bear it? I get tired of being the only wife around here that doesn't feel like she NEEDS to tell her husband what to do. At the same time, how much is too much? Just because my husband has a weekday off, it's suddenly up for grabs with his friends? Give me a break, we've got about 2 months before we have another child, and I"m starting to feel a bit more selfish about the free time we have before then. Zac will most likely be off to school for nearly 2 months after have this baby, and when he returns, our lives will be a blur of packing up and moving with two small children (who may or may not take very kindly to the idea of it all).
I named my journal Don't Lick the Dog because it's one of several crazy things I've found myself saying as a mother to a toddler. Just when I think I've said the strangest thing ever (or somehow morphed into my mother momentarily, ew), another string of crazy words comes out of my mouth.
Mom calls yesterday, asks what each member of my family is currently doing, "Zac's out walking the dog", "I'm talking on the phone to YOU", "Aidan's watching Elmo for a minute before we get ready to go to dinner", "the baby? uh, I don't know, swimming in amniotic fluid?". How does one person drag a conversation on about nothing for so long? Why is it that MY parents have to be the crazy IL's? I have great IL's, but my parents, MY parents had to be the whack jobs. My mom calls, EVERY SINGLE DAY, apparently it has something to do with me being her "baby", and if I don't agree wih how intrusive she is in my life (yes, she manages to be intrusive thousands of miles from me), she literally cries and tells me I'll understand "one day" when my kids are grown up. I seriously doubt that.
We went to dinner yesterday for Zac's birthday, a little Italian place we love. The waiter brought Aidan's sparkling water in a wine glass, I made to grab it and pour it directly into a sippy, but Zac wanted to let him try. Wouldn't you know it, the little stinker sat there all night long drinking from a wine glass like it was the most natural thing in the world? He doesn't even drink from a cup at home. First the switch to the toddler bed last week, without a hitch, and now this. I think it's been me not ready for him to grow up, he's obviously ready for so much more than I thought.

Joined: 04/05/02
Posts: 97

So, New Years Eve, a suitable time to reflect and get ready to move forward...
This year, I can't believe how hard it's been. I lost a baby this year, then got pregnant with the child I'm carrying now, I guess I was meant to have another child after all. Too many of my friends lost babies this year too, one lost her husband. I made new friends, and I watched friends leave for new assignments, that never gets easier, but it's taught me to hold on tighter. I had emergency surgery, and saw one more time how much my husband loves me, in how he cared for me and Aidan while I recovered, how he worried. I've watched my baby change into a little boy, learning and growing every day, it's been an amazing year.
Next year I'll move back to the states, start going to school, working again. I'll have a new baby, learn to be mother of 2, and find my way again. I'm looking forward to all the new things we have in the near future. I'm excited for myself, for my family.

Joined: 04/05/02
Posts: 97

Zac and Aidan are wearing thier Michigan jerseys today. Zac insists he wear it every Michigan game, and Aidan gets all excited when he sees it,
"Ball!!! Ball!!!".
Spent a nice quiet night at home, watched movies in my pj's, Zac went over to a friends house for a couple drinks and to watch fireworks, all in all, not a bad way to spend the night. I can't believe Aidan slept through the almost hour of fireworks last night, they were LOUD. My poor dog was scared out of her wits, followed me everywhere. Koda never was a very brave animal to begin with.
My mother called to tell me she found some cheap flight over in April, I nearly got sick to my stomach. She wants to come over for a whole month. The poblem with this is that over the last few years, my mother has gotten worse and worse, she can hardly do anything without asking someone how to, or if, she should. She was so confident and independent when I was a kid. My father has worn her down to a shell of who she once was. I get so frustrated, wishing she'd just leave, but he is in control of the finanaces so much, she doesn't even take money out of the ATM by herself, she ASKS my father to go get it for her. Heaven forbid she should amas a dollar fifty service charge. She has come over here a couple times, with outrageous amounts of cash, WTF for?! Seriously, he'd rather she have all that cash at once then to take money out as she needs it from the ATM, am I he only one that thinks that's stupid?
Anyway, I need someone here that will help me, not ask me 20 questions every time something needs to be done. It scares me to have Aidan cared for by someone who's not confident. Zac wants me to go to Michigan and stay with his family while he's in school, and Id like to, but I don't know if it's feasible, and how in the hell do I explain that to my mother? I can hear the torrent of tears now, how I chose them over her, why didn't I wanther o come to Germany, etc. So this is what it's like to be between a rock and a hard place. I'd honestly rather face being with the two kids on my own, rather than worry about them and her for a whole month.
Underneath all this, is a very odd, strained, relationship with my mom that will have to wait for another day to get out in words...

Joined: 04/05/02
Posts: 97

Lemme see if I CAN get my relationship with my mother out in words. She was never someone I could talk to, confide in. She wanted desperately to be the "cool" mom, but she just wasn't, she proved untrustworthy with my secrets, unloyal even, to me. She'd go on and on, I could tell her anything she said, and time and time again, she showed me just how untrue that was. She picked my friends, made me discard those she found not to her liking, which was a painful, embarassing thing that I could not fight, she made those friendships impossible for me. I'm sure there are people out there who I called friend who would only think of me as someone who wronged them, turned her back on them, I wish they knew I had no choice.
I remember the day she found out I was sexually active, she screamed at me, yelled, let my father call me a whore, told me I was disgusting, that I'd get AIDS and die for what I was doing. I stayed with my first for nearly 5 years, much to thier surprise. I paid for my birth control, used protection, I can only hope when my children choose to become sexually active, that they are as responsible as I was.
My father used to hit me, punch me, verbally abuse me, emotionally abuse me. I've even been threatened physically by him as an adult, while visiting home. I told my mother about the abuse she wasn't there to witness, and she saw a lot of it with her own two eyes. She often told me I must have done something to deserve it, to set him off. She never once defended me, never even confronted him. She still denies it to this day, denies I even told her anything at the time.
I moved out 2 weeks after graduation, got my own place, didn't ask or a thing save for one time I screwed up my finanaces and had to ask for 100 dollars to get me through to the next paycheck. I joined the military, on my own, and set off to be something, witout a thing from them. My parents could have done a lot of things for me, paid for college, or at least helped, they refused, told me how stupid I am, how I couldn't do it. Once I had my own money, they want to pretend like they got me this far, like without them where would I be? In the gutter or something. Now it's "you can do anything", "we're so proud of you", and it might be wrong in some way, but I don't care if they are or not, I didn't do any of this for them.
My mother now wants to pretend that all this time, we've been best friends, that we are best friends. She's very intrusive. When she visits, it's very uncomfortable. She wants to sit right next to me, hug me, kiss me, hold my hand, and I never got that from her after I was probably 11 or 12, so why now, it feels unnatural. She is clingy with Aidan too, expects too much from him, he's two, he has seen her twice, he hasn't really established a bond with her, and why a grown woman can't understand that, and takes his stand-offishness as a personal insult, I'll never know. She constantly compares Aidan to what I was like as a child, if he does something she doesn't like, "well, YOU were NEVER anything like THAT", whatever, he's an individual, he's not me, and niether of us is perfect.
All of this, and somehow, she thinks it would be alright for her to come stay with me for a MONTH. I'm not exaggerating, she would not understand if I told her not to come, or if I told her a month was too long. I don't know why I'm so programmed to feel guilt, so worried about her feelings after all that's happened.

Alicia

Joined: 04/05/02
Posts: 97

Okay, that was some heavy you know what yesterday. I swear, I don't sit around being melancholy all day Biggrin .
The following exchange just happened between my son, and my husband:
"If you say cookie, you can have some"
Big grin from Aidan.
"okay, what are these?"
"gookie"
"good job, you can have as many as you want... up to three".
I have no idea why it struck me as so funny, but it just did.
We're having trouble with Aidan talking, I asked the doctor about it, he says even at this age, saying hardly anything is normal, but unfortunately, it doesn't help with my frustration. He understands everything we say to him, follows detailed instructions with many parts, and physically, there's not really anything he can't do. He's gaining words little by little, there is improvement, but I have a feeling that a lot of his own frustration and tantrums are because he can't tell us what he wants, or needs. Our lives are a blur of questions and nods.
We were leaving to go grocery shopping this morning, Aidan and I went ahead to the car while Zac finished getting his coat on and locked up. Well, as we're walking down the sidewalk to the car, Aidan trips and his forehead hits the concrete, HARD. I don't think I"ll ever forget that sound, it makes me sick just thinking about it, makes my eyes sting with tears. It was not half as bad as I thought it was, but it scared the hell out of me, my poor little boy. He's got a goose egg on his forehead and it's a little bruised, but he seems just fine, calmed down after a good cry, and a whole lot of hugs and kisses from me. To me, every time he hurts, I just want to take on his pain, it's so unbearable to see him hurt.
He can have more cookies, if he wants Biggrin

Joined: 04/05/02
Posts: 97

Zac talked to his mom last night, broached the subject of me and the kids coming to stay with them for a few weeks while he's away at school, she thinks it's a great idea. Now, how do I tell my mother that this is what I want to do? My mom called last night as well (before Zac talked to his mom) and wanted me to nail down plans for her to fly over. I explained that we still dont' know the dates of everything, don't know if he even got recruiter duty yet, and honestly, it has always been my understanding that she was only coming if Zac was leaving, to HELP. If Zac doesn't get this, we will leave for an assignment in June, but his orders will come through for that assignment a lot sooner, and we'd pack out early, so our things arrive in the states about the time we do, so when we arive, we just get a place and move right in, get settled, instead of waiting. If we get recruiter duty, we don't have the option of packing out early because he won't get orders (required to get our things shipped) until AFTER he graduates the school. That means, in April, we wouldn't have a guest bed, we won't have most of our things, we'll be living out of suitcases. this is not an optimal situation for having a house guest. On some strange level, I don't think she will understand that at all. She actually said to me, "so, I can't come see my grandbabies?". Honestly, it's not the issue at all, and I told her as much, told her it would be better for her to come when we get back in the states (and the new baby wil only be a few months old even then).
Anyway, in addition to this, my MIL said she gets odd emails from my mother that make her feel uncomfortable. Like my mom is really insecure, that she thinks she will try to steal her daughter away, that she wishes she could adopt Zac, and goes on and on about him, to almost a wierd level. Great, now the ILs are getting the full spectrum of my mother's lunacy. I'm sort of embarassed, I just wish my mom would leave well enough alone (not her strong suit, not in the slightest).
Anyway, my family is waiting for me to watch a movie...

Joined: 04/05/02
Posts: 97

Today is shaping up to be an amazing day. I went to the hospital for my third level II ultrasound, and for the first time, my baby is measuring completely in normal ranges. She's on the small side, but still, NORMAL measurements, I'm so happy I don't know what to do with myself. I go back in two weeks for another level II, but for the first time in a long time, I'm not dreading it. Now I just need to arrange to start going to the military hospital in about a month, get my records translated, etc. I cant believe I only have 8 weeks left (give or take), I"m so excited to meet my baby.
We got snow yesterday, but ti's steadliy melting away as our temperatures rise into the 40's. Aidan adores the snow, so I"m sort of sad to see it go so fast. We're just spending a lazy day at home, doing as little as possible, ahhh...

Alicia

Joined: 04/05/02
Posts: 97

What a great start to my week! Zac got recruiter duty, and we got our number one choice, Wasington state, here we come!!! I am so excited, I could bust. Ahh, summers in Washington, the Puget Sound, Mt Rainer, fresh seafood, and to top it all off, the school I wanted to go to is there, one of my main concerns.
Zac will reenlist next week, we'll get a nice bonus, pay off our Jeep and get ready for baby to arrive. Life is good. After the year we had last year, 2004 is shaping up to be a great one!

Alicia

Joined: 04/05/02
Posts: 97

So my joy, her displeasure. Why is my mother such a royal thorn in my side? I emailed her to tell her Zac got recruiter duty, but didn't tell her where we were going, because he's really excited and wants to get to tell people. Well, he tells her we got our first choice, which for some reason she thought was Beaverton, Oregon (about 15 minutes from thier house), but no, we wanted Washington more all along, our first 3 choices were Washington. This puts us 3 hours from them. She was disappointed, acted all downtrodden when he told her, WTF ever!!! My husband is from Michigan, his parents are more than 3 whole STATES away, and they'll be happy for us.
My mother said I have to get a big enough place "so grandma can visit a lot", uh, no. Just because we will live closer doesn't give her an open invitiation to our house and our lives, we have a life of our own, responsibilities, things that have to be done. I told her I'm starting school most likely in September, so I'll be busy a lot. I turn 29 next month, I spent all that time in the Air Force, got my GI Bill so I could go to school, and now I'm ready to use it. I"m not putting it off so she can come visit as much as she feels she's entitled to. Like I said before, we don't have a good relationship, she lives out this fantasy in her head, and I want no part of it. I grit my teeth and just get through the time I have to spend around her. I can't just say, "you know, I love you, but I don't like you, and I dont't want to spend all my free time with you".
This holiday season, I felt so happy, glad to have my own family, able to make happy memories for my own children, able to make a home and a family they WANT to come home to, to be a part of. I never had that, holidays were always so depressing, even as a small child. I didn't look forward to them I didn't feel good enough, I wished I was part of another family all together, because all my friends always seemed to enjoy the holidays, something that was so foreign to me. When I was dating my ex-boyfriend, I would spend Christmas Eve with my family, it was painful and just awful most of the time, and I'd go stay at his folk's house that night and be there for Christmas all day. It was amazing to be a part of something like that, a family that laughed together, that enjoed each other, just happy to get together and sit around it thier pj's most of the day, talking.
If my parents think they're going to ruin the holidays for me now that we're within driving distance, they have another thing coming, I'll fly to Michigan every year with the family, no kidding...

Alicia

Joined: 04/05/02
Posts: 97

I'm officially obsessed with getting out of here, oh don't get me wrong, I wanted to go home long before now, but NOW, I have a light at the end of my tunnel, and it's a familiar, bright, light. I'm looking at massage tables, deciding on classes, figuring out childcare, fantasizing about my first meal in Washington state, trying to wrap my head around being able to run errands on a Sunday, or even late at night if I want to. Oh, the states are a dream, don't wake me up!
Poor Aidan had a rough night last night. At 12:30, we heard this huge THUD from his room, followed by our kid just bawling his eyes out. Poor little guy fell out of bed, and it scared the crap out of him, he literally held on tight to Zac and was shaking for at least 5 minutes. He had a really hard time sleeping after that, and actually asked to go down over an hour early for his nap today :(. I know this stuff happens, but Mommy is SO not ready for this!!
No calls from my mother today, it's a miracle. I literally sat on the phone listening to her breathe for 10 minutes last night because she SAID she wanted to "talk" to me since she didn't get to the day before (there are only a few people I can talk to every day and still have something to say, and my mom isn't one of them). Finally, I told her I had things to do and had to go. She says, "okay, I'll talk to you later, oh! I meant to tell you...", this is the normal sequence of events in our phone "conversations", she says nothing (but she called ME), I say I have to go after getting tired of holding the noiseless phone to my ear, and THEN she starts to talk :roll: .
I got an email from my best friend today, she's finishing up the process of getting an internship with the Air Force (she'd be commissioned and start her career as a psychiatrist). She could possibly aslo be up in Washington in another year or so. My fingers are tightly crossed. She now lives in Puerto Rico, she had moved back home after going reserve years ago, got married, had two kids, and finished up school. She never stopped wanting to go back to Washington, she missed it too much, and this is an excellent way for her to get back. Would it be greedy of me to want this with all my might, I've gotten so much I've wanted lately? Oh, who cares, I want it, I miss my friend!!
Wel, I'm up way too late, considering how tired I've been lately, trying to finish up my laundry so I don't have to face it tomorrow. Aside from my love of cooking and baking, domesticity is NOT my thing, which explains why I"m avoiding my laundry like the plague...

Alicia

Joined: 04/05/02
Posts: 97

I guess the NW has been getting slammed with snow and ice, not rare further inland, but in Portland, Seattle, Tacoma, this much is insane.
My mother called a little bit ago, in tears, my dad fell at work and broke his ankle. He'll be off for 6 weeks. They were talking about sending two guys from work to pick him up from the hospital to take him to buy crutches and get him home. Uh, how is my dad supposed to walk in crutches on ice? I hope they send two BIG guys to get him in the house, he's 6'2". Mom is freaking out, she can't drive in the snow, and honestly, growing up there, they'd close school down all over the city for a mere 2 or 3 inches of snow, let alone ice. People up there see snow so seldom, no one knows how to drive in it, it's a mess. So, she now doesn't know how she's going to get bac and forth to work, since he was the one taking her since this started. Luckily, my parents are comfortable, so they don't NEED to work, but that's not really the point.
I'm pretty much blah, not feeling so hot, sort of run down tired and nauseous. I've been a huge grumpy ass today as well. Thank goodness tomorrow is Friday, I'm sure Aidan could use a break from me for a couple days. It's definately time for father / son time...

Alicia

Joined: 04/05/02
Posts: 97

My dad is okay, ornery and unble to sit still for 5 minutes, refusing to take his pain meds, but fine :roll:. My mom said she got the neighbor from across the street to come tell him to stay off the ankle, or he'd cause more damage (she's a nurse). He doesn't have a cast yet, not until Monday, so my mom is just trying to keep him off it until then, no small feat in itself. Why is he SUCH a pain in the ass???
I'm still blah, but happy beyond belief at our good fortune. I'm just so excited to get back in my element, I'm so much more ME in the NW, I'm healthier, happier, and well, you just can't beat that.
Zac told his mom we're going to Washington, and she was happy for us. I feel bad, I really love my IL's, but we really want to live in the NW. I would love to live closer to Zac's family, have Aidan know his cousins, his aunts and uncles, his grandparents better, but our hearts are further west, what can I say? We haven't made a very good effort to get to Michigan at all, but that's really our goal now, we NEED to make going there a priority. It's not just the two of us anymore, we're going back to the states with two little people we didn't leave there with, and thier families want to know them, they deserve that. I often wonder if maybe someday we might live out in Michigan (I'd love to have enough money to have a house out here too, someplace we could go part of he year or something?) one day. Who knows, the future is wide open...

Alicia

Joined: 04/05/02
Posts: 97

Aidan has turned into something quite evil over the last couple days. Screaming at every little thing he doesn't get his way, every time we don't know what he wants, it's beyond frustrating. How many time outs can I give, how many times can he be sent to his room, to bed, it's driving me NUTS. At least he's eating well, more energy needed for the scream fests, I suppose, lol.
My friend called me in tears, her husband apparently has been calling from wherever he's deployed to, telling her how irresponsible she is, how useless, how lazy, etc. What an ass. She didn't have any access to their pay information, which she needed to straighten this one thing out, and he yells at her for it? I hate to say it, but I don't like him on a good day, he's such a jerk. I'm so sick of my friends being involved in one way or another with asshole men. For crying out loud, how many toads are out there?!?
We're trying to figure out what I"m going to do with myself while Zac's at school, when we'll go to Michigan to see the family, looking up cars to buy once we get to the states. I know there are a million things to do, I HATE moving, but this move will be SO worth it. Hopefully Zac can stay in the area, I didn't move growing up, and I'd hate to do that to my kids. the military life is our choice, but it's really hard on a kid to move every few years.
I hit 33 weeks, I'm in disbelief that I'm so close to having this baby, and yet, it seems sort of far off at times. I feel like I've hardly had time to think this time around. chasing after Aidan has kept me quite busy. I"m getting ready to start going to the American military hospital in a few weeks. I think this next appointment with my OB wil be the last with him. He's a great guy, but I do not want to deliver in a German hospital. The frustration I felt when I had my surgery in August at not understanding what people were saying (well, not entirely, I know quite a bit of German, but when things start getting intricate and technical, as tends to happen with medical proceedures, it gets to be too much to absorb), I just can't do that again. What if something went wrong, I wouldn't understand. It was one thing to worry about was I okay, did I manage to not lose the baby during surgery, but I can't imagine a., dong that again, and b., worrying about not me, but my baby, I'd be a basket case. I know a couple women who have delivered off base here, and while the experiences were okay, most of the time, there wasn't anyone available that spoke English. No thanks...
I'm looking at schools right now, trying to decide between two, it's NOT easy. I've got time to sort it out, I'm just so ready to get going, I can't help being so excited about it.

Alicia

Joined: 04/05/02
Posts: 97

This is our Friday, Zac has a nice long 4 day weekend, and I'm SO ready for it.
Well, I found out some very big news last night, Zac has to go to his recruiter training en route, which means, I won't be left alone here in Germany with the kids. I feel bad for him because this means he won't get a rental car (his unit here pays for a rental car, but he'll no longer be attatched to his unit, so that won't happen), and he won't have a laptop from his unit to use. However, I am truly relieved and happy. I'd rather be almost anywhere stateside with the kids then here in Germany. At least I know if I pick up the phone and call someone for help, if something should happen, I'll get an English speaker. Zac is trying for a 60 day assignment curtailment, so we'd leave here in mid April, versus the begining of June, and we'd be in Washington by late June, early July. We'll find out about that later.
So let the drama begin... I called my parents to let them know what the deal was, my mom was still at work, so I talked to my dad. My IL's would like me to come stay with them while Zac is in school, then Zac would come up to Michigan for a couple weeks, and we'd all fly to Washington together. I think it sounds like a great plan, they'd get lots of time with the grandparents and almost all, if not all 6 of thier aunts and uncles they've never met. I haven't been back there in over 5 years, and Zac hasn't been for nearly 4, and that was for a funeral. My father thinks it's a great idea for us to go there, but in a big way, I know he just doesn't want to be inconvenienced by me and my children. He actually suggested I try to stay in a hotel by myself with the kids in Washington while Zac was in school, he never once offered to have us come stay there, even though they have more than enough room.
Well, once my mom got home, my dad broke the news to her, which I didn't ask him to do, I said I'd call her later on, or she could call me, and I'd tell her myself. The thing is, regaurdless of if Zac gets the curtailment or not, I won't have any of my furniture, any of my belongings besides what we pack to take with us for 2 months, so having a houseguest in April is out of the question. We'd be packing out either in late March or mid April, right when she's planning to come. Besides all that, my mom claims she's coming to "help" me, but Zac will be here, I won't need anyone to come stay with me now. Well, my dad calls me last night at almost 9 my time to tell me he told her and that she immediately burst into tears and went to the basement. He tried to get her to talk to me on the phone but she said she was "too upset to talk". I am in complete shock as to how friggin selfish and childish my mother is. I"m going to live less than 3 hours from her, she will get to see her grandchildren, Zac, and I more than my ILs have the slightest hope of. I'll be in the NW in July at the latest, only 3 months tops later than she was going to see us. Is it REALLY something to get that upset about, something to cry and carry on about? I'm absolutely sick to death of walking on eggshells with my mother, catering to her because I don't want to deal with the outbursts, the tears, the "it's not fair's". She is never happy for me unless what makes me happy fits into her plans. Can you tell I'm angry at her? I'm just truly upset about all of this, so tired of not having anything remotely resembling a "normal" family.

Alicia

Joined: 04/05/02
Posts: 97

Hmm, no wonder my mom doesn't think it's a big deal my kid has never met his other grandparents, that my husband hasn't been home in years, she has almost zero relationship with her own family. As a small child, I remember my mother not speaking to grandma, grandpa, or her sisters for years, I never understood WHY, I just knew I didn't get to see a huge part of my family year after year, even on holidays. It took my grandmother having a heart atack on Christmas Eve (she survived) to get my mom to pull her head out of her ass. The irony is, we got news of the heart attack while we were at my dad's friend's house, a man who molested me every chance he got. Nope, can't hang out with family, just dad's shady friend. Okay, they didn't know about my little secret yet, but I missed out on my family only to be sexually abused by someone over the holidays, nice!! Things continued to be icy in the family, but I couldn't care less about the adults and thier issues, I had my family back. I won't forget sitting in my grandma's hospital bed with her, I had missed her so badly. What on earth is big enough to divide a family for years? Well, really, it was just my mom, dad and I that didn't participate, everyone else carried on as normal, as normal as that can be I guess.
I WANT my kids to see thier grandparents, thier aunts, uncles and cousins. Most of them are in Michigan, I'm an only child, Zac is the oldest of 7. I won't let my mother try to guilt me into her plans, I won't let her dictate who does what with whom, when, and for how long. Screw that, she can participate in the completely reasonable fashion that we would like her to, or she can choose to cut herself out again. i just refuse to let her make me miserable...

Alicia

Joined: 04/05/02
Posts: 97

I think I've been trying to do too much this pregnancy, and today, it all caught up with me. I spent most of the day in bed, Zac watched Boo. I just feel crampy and beyond exhausted. I drifted in and out of sleep, Aidan coming in to visit me and give me big smile and a kiss every so often. Nice to know he didn't forget about me :D.
Last night I had the WORST heartburn I have ever experienced in my life, I just wanted to cry, wait, I think I did cry, it hurt SO bad. I tried every position I could think of, to make it stop, took Tums, that made it worse. I cursed the fact I'm in this inconvenient country where I can't just go out at 10 pm to the pharmacy and grab some Pepto or something to give me relief. Zac didn't know what to do for me, I told him he didn't have to stand in the bedroom with me, I wasn't going to pass out or anything, and besides, him looking at me all concerned wasn't helping. 34 weeks, and already there's not enough room in this body for the both of us, what can I do but hpe it doens't get worse...
Another level II ultrasound tomorrow morning, hope it's my last, I'm really tired of this. I have another appointment with my German OB next week, and hopefully, thats' my last. By the time I go to the American hospital, I'll be 36 weeks, so I"ll have to go every week anyway. I'm appointment-ed out!!!

Alicia

Joined: 04/05/02
Posts: 97

Well, my mother has started sending me insulting emails, insulting me, my IL's, the whole nine. I asked her to please stop, told her I can't deal with all the negativity right now, that I"m trying to be positive and have a healthy baby here, but she doesn't seem to care about any of that, I"m still being bombarded. Why is it all about HER? Why can't she get her shit together, and stop blaming me for all that is wrong with her life? A lot of bad happened to me while I was growing up, some of it at the hands of my parents, but I picked myself up, dusted off, and I've been doing ME all on my own for a really long time now. I don't need to wallow in the past, I don't need to blame anyone. I realise I'm an adult, and that it's up to me which direction my life goes, I get to choose, I have to make the best of the hand I'm dealt.
I sent her this email...
Why do you have to treat me like that? I don't
deserve that AT ALL. Were you just saving up your
arsenal of insults for the right time, to make me feel
bad? It's not my fault, but it IS a fact of life that
we live in Germany right now, I can't help that, I
can't change what's already happened. I'm sorry it
upsets you so much that I had my babies so far from
home, but I don't know what you or dad expected my
life to be like when I went into the Air Force, did
you think I"d always be close to home, that I'd get
out and move right back to my old life when 4 years
was up? I think a lot happened that no one took into
consideration. I met a wonderful man who loves me,
who'd give his life for me and his children if it ever
came to that, and we live a military life. I wanted
Washington SO BADLY because we truly love it up there,
I"m sorry if that disappoints you. The schools I want
to attend are up there too. I didn't do anything to
hurt anyone, we just tried to do what was right for
us. We had 5 of 8 choices int he Northwest, we had
ONE choice in Michigan, and it was near the bottom of
the list. Why can't you just be happy for us, be
happy that we'll be so close? I dont understand why
you have to view this with a negative eye.
Zac's parents DO NOT just want to see us on thier
terms, that's unfair. They have, until recently, had
kids living at thier house. They don't have a lot of
money, and they don't fly. They are already talking
about driving out to the NW to see us all sometime
soon. Zac was actually talking to them about how my
dad could probably tell them how to get the best deals
on hotels for the trip over since it would take a
couple days. Like I said before, they are just as much
our family as you and dad are, and my children deserve
to know thier WHOLE family. If that means I have to
take my kids to them, I WILL, because they will not
miss out on knowing such a huge part of thier lives.
You know, I grew up not knowing my own family very
well. I saw my grandparents, my cousins, aunts and
uncles on holidays for the most part. There were a
few occasions when I saw them outside of that, but
they were few and far between. We never lived that
far from any of them either. Then there was a space
of a few years when we didn't see your whole side of
the family at all, and I was too young to understand
what was going on. All I knew was the next time I saw
them was in the hospital waiting room. I don't want
that for my kids, I don't want them to be strangers to
thier family. Please accept that I'm doing the VERY
BEST I can, and I'm trying to do right by everyone.
I'm sorry you feel like I've disapponted you, I've
tried my whole life to live up to what I thought you
and dad wanted from me. I can't validate you as a
person, I can't make you whole, I can't make up for
whatever you feel has gone wrong in your life, and
it's unfair to expect that from me. I've tried to be
a good daughter to you, but you have to understand
that I'm more than that, I'm someone's wife, 2 little
someone's mommy, and I don't sit around thinking of
ways to hurt you, and if I did, it was unintentional.
I guess if you need time to be pissed at me or
whatever, then you'l just need to do that, but I
really can't deal with all this anger and resentment.
I've really been through a lot in the last year, I'm
trying to get through the next month unscathed, I'm
trying to have a healthy baby, and all this is NOT
healthy for me. I love you, I don't know what else to
say...

Love,
alicia

And yet, the hits keep on coming, WHY? She literally told me that my being in Washington was just as bad as me being in Germany. Am I stupid, or is there someone out there that knows WTF that is supposed to mean? I'm not trying to keep anything from her. I'm not saying "don't come visit us", we'll be so close, what is the problem? She actually said "It reminds me of my growing up and never seeing my grandparents and they lived just across the river in Portland", WHY is that? And honestly, how is that different than what she did to me by letting an arguement between her and my grandparents keep us from that whole side of the family for over 3 years when I was a kid? She's creating scenarios in her head to get mad about, she's literally mad about something that hasn't even happened, what can I possibly do about all her hypotheticals? Do i get to be angry about things that haven't even happened? NO, that's ridiculous and CRAZY!!! It's times like this I wish I had a sibling to talk to, someone who understood the intracacies of our family dynamic, knew the whole history. Gosh, scratch that, Ithink that could be considered cruel and unusual...

Alicia

Joined: 04/05/02
Posts: 97

Yeah, I"m cutting her off. I hardly answer my phone anymore, for fear I'll get her voice on the oher end of the line. I'm ready to block her email address for at least a little while. I need a break, and I'm not getting one the easy way. I've had to cut her off before, she started threatening to call my commander. To spare myself the embarassment, I talked to her. I know that was the wrong move, but I didn't want to deal with potential fallout inmy professional life.
Zac is in shock that she'd go off insulting his parents, saying things she knows nothig about (she's never so much as met them, how on earth does she think she knows enough about them to say the things she's saying?). One thing I know for certain, THEY aren't acting crazy, they aren't acting like spoiled brats because they aren't getting things exactly the way they want them. I honestly can't remember the last time I got to be the child and she acted like an adult, well, too late for that, I have a life and responsibilities all my own now.
You know what, I'm not miserable, I'm actualy quite happy. I've got a good life, I've got a great kid, one on the way, an amazing man to share this life with, and I really don't want for anything, and I'm healthy. She doesn't get to take any of that away from me, I won't be the vicitm, that would only perpetuate the cycle. My friedn saw book the other day and said she thought of me, I ordered it right away when I saw wht it was about, it's called The Emotional Incest Syndrome. It's about handling intrusive parents, parents who rely on thier children for the emotional relationships and support they SHOULD be getting from a spouse. I about fell out of my chair, that's IT.
Well, my workout calls me. I"m so glad I"ve been sticking to my routine (well, since I started feeling well enough after my surgery), it's a huge source of relief from stress for me, and instead fo gaining 70 pounds, like I did with my last pregnancy, I'm lookig at MAYBE 25 this time, what an improvement. I'm concerned about shortening m recovery time from last time as well, with 2 kids, I just have to, especially since one is a monster of a toddler (bless his heart). I'm sure the baby will be the easy part Biggrin

Alicia

Joined: 04/05/02
Posts: 97

I got a couple boxes in the mail on Friday, from Mom. She sent them before she got all mad at me for living my life, sent me an email, "I hope you like the stuff, Mom", whatever". I sent her a nice email, thanking her for all the nice things she sent for the kids, how much I loved everything, how thoughtful it was for her to do that, etc. She sent me a forward about the many uses of Vodka in response, nice, huh? I can't make her act like a normal human being, but I won't stoop to her level. I'm grateful for the gifts she sent, so I thanked her, period.
We're busy getting the spare room turned into a sort of baby room (it's temporary since we'll be moving in June). I've been washing baby clothes and organizing. I love this part. Soon I"ll go buy some size one diapers and get all misty eyed over them, good gawd, are those the cutest things ever, or what? We got the new carseat in the mail on Friday as well. I ordered a new one because I really hated Aidan's old one (though it's still good). Just waiting on a couple more things to arrive (my life is all about ordering online here, the base stores are so pitifully stocked, I hardly bother looking, half the time I can't find diaper genie refills).
Ah, I can't wait to live in the states again, just the sheer convenience of it!! Dare I dream of 7-11's? Stores open 24 hours a day? Being able to go to a restaurant that serves more than pizza, pasta, or asian food? Being able to mail my bills, or pay them online, instead of driving to each place every month to pay phone, cable, insurance, etc.? Stores open on SUNDAY?!
Aidan is into everything he can possible inf d a way into at the moment, I should go rescue Zac...

Alicia

Joined: 04/05/02
Posts: 97

My dad called me last night. He wanted to know if we found out anything else about coming back stateside, so I filled him in. He then asked me what's going on with my mother, guess I'm not the only one she's acting like a crazy bitch to. My dad is a lot of things, he's a miser, he's distant, he's hard to pin down, and there was a time he hit me. I know a lot more things about my dad though. I've recognized that a lot of what he did to me, was done to him, and he's so old school that recognizing it was a problem and getting "help" for it was just not something that most of the men of his generation do. I know he loves me, I know he's proud of me, and I know if I really needed something, I could count on him. I know he didn't mean to be so harsh with me, and I've been able to forgive a LOT of what's happened in the past. It still hurts from time to time, but is it wrong for me to want a relationship with my father?
Anyway, he filled me in on what's been going on at home. My mother has NEVER had to work any more than part time the whole time she's been with my father, he has always taken care of her, and not because that's the way he thought things should be done, but because SHE wanted it like that. She's been on this rollercoaster of weight gain and loss my entire life, and probably before. She had lost about 60 pounds the last time she came to Germany, and for some reason has been emailing me and telling me how much she's lost that week or whatever. Well, dad tells me she's been lying, that she's gained almost all the wieght back. What the hell is wrong with her? Why won't she get help? WHY is she lying to me?!
Dad said he's wanting to check out the new housing developments next month and is seriously ready to buy a new house (they want to move over the river from Portland Oregon into Washington because the property tax in OR is outrageous). He's been asking my mom to start packing up some things that she doesn't use all the time so they don't have a lot of work to do when the time comes to move. She absolutely refuses and told him, "I don't like how you treat me and I've had offers from my sister and my friend to come stay with them". My dad said he was so hurt, he just went to bed, and didn't say another word to her. Let me just say how my dad has been on the rollercoaster WITH my mom all my life, watching her bounce from diet to diet, watching her fail, anf fail again. Supporting her, buying her the foods she needs to start up the next diet. He's frustrated, she's hoarding food and binging behind his back, that upsets him, he tells her so. My mom is so screwed up, you can't tell her anything, you can't express dissappointment in her and have anything be okay because she plays the victim, why is everyone SO MEAN to her? We're all sick of watching her kill herself with food. Her sister, and her "friend" both weigh over 300, and 400 pounds, they're both single and honest to god her friend is a man hating bitch that almost everyone finds it hard to be around (not to mention, she's badmouthed my father in front of me for as long as I can remember, real nice). This is her "support system"? These are the people that want to "rescue" her? Give me a break!! And just how does she expect t support herself? She tried to get workman's comp a few years back for an accident that happened almost 20 years ago (she still sees an osteopath, has backpains etc.). The doctors could not conclude that the problems she was still having weren't related to her being obese, so she got nothing.
Why does she continue to blame the whole world for her problems, why does she treat me and my father like complete shit and push everyoe away that genuinely cares? She wants people around that will tell her what she wants to hear, and the rest of us be damned. She doesn't see us supporting her unless we're enabling her, it's so frustrating. I don't want my mom to die, she's a royal pain int he ass, but I don't want her to die. She is literally klilling herself with food and honestly, with prescription drugs. She's diabetic, she takes pain killers, sleeping pills, medication for high blood pressure, and a number of other pills I'm not even sure about the reasons for (I was dumbfounded when I saw her daily pill containers the last time she was here). I don't want her to keep treating everyone around her like garbage too, and then playing the victim with the people that don't know the whole story, it allows her to continue her destructive cycle. Is this even my mother anymore? Or are we dealing with a disease that's taken over her so aggressively that we don't even see her anymore?
My dad is at home with a broken ankle, and she's running off to spend the weekend with her sister. She had rotator cuff surgery a couple months ago, my dad took care of her the whole time she was recovering, she doesn't do crap for him, and threatens to leave, WTF?!? He called her at work two days ago to ask her a question, and as soon as she heard his voice, she yells, "I'm at WORK, I can't talk to you!", and hangs up on him. My mother's job is harldy stressful, and I can't tell you the number of times she has talked to me on the phone while she was at work, she's so full of crap, she's just being mean.
So, that's what's going on at home. So glad I'm thousands of miles away at the moment :roll: . I don't need this, especially right now.
The good news, I"m touring the hospital I'm going to deliver at this Saturday, so I'm pretty excited about that. It's a private German hospital, I cannot deliver at the American hospital, the option just isn't there. We got a reccomendation from a guy at Zac's work, who's wife had a baby a month before we had Aidan. My OB is going to meet us and take us over there tomorrow afternoon.

Alicia

Joined: 04/05/02
Posts: 97

I'm sick of this, sick of complaining, sick of being upset, sick of letting her crap get under my skin. I'm more than my mother's daughter, I'm more than just someone who sits around pissed off about all her problems and how they continue to infiltrate my life. I need to keep a positive communication open with my father. He's done a lot of things in my life, but he's never ever lied to me. I've always known that if I want someone to tell me straight, I just need to ask him, he won't exaggerate or try to sway things in his favor. He's my only link to what's really going on, what truths be told, and which of them are being swept under the rug.
My mom doesn't get to be part of my life right now, she brought that on herself. One day, she may be again, but I need to know what's really going on with her, I can't take chances with my kids, my family because she wants to be a part of it. I need her to not pop pills, I need her to not twist reality, I need her to start to heal herself, make right whatever it is that's gone so wrong that she's no longer a rational person. I need that in order for her to truly be a trusted part of my family. I know I most likely won't get even half of that. I DO know I won't leave my children alone with her for an instant as long as she's like this, as long as she's doing all these things.
I've made a conscious decision to not talk ill of my relatives in front of my children, ever. I may talk to my husband about things, but not in front of them. My parents used to talk about the family, certain people, and it would break my heart. It just seemed so mean to talk about them. Even if these people were wrong, they could have talked about it away from me, I didn't need to hear any of it, and I was to young to understand why they would say things about our family. This isn't to say I will keep secrets from my children, I won't, but there is a difference. I won't lie to them, but I also don't see the point of talking about people they love in a negative manner, it won't make them see truth, it will upset them.
On the bright side of things, we got Aidan a haircut this morning, he looks so much older to me. I really hate when he gets a haircut, feels like he's just turning into a big boy so much faster. It dawned on me I've got 4 weeks left of this pregnancy, and he'll be a big brother, I'll be a mother of 2. It's so surreal, I know I've gone through 36 weeks of pregnancy, but it just seems so strange that soon, our baby will be here, on the outside :).
We got Zac's bonus and our tax return money. We now own our Jeep, and are debt free. I am so happy about that, it's such a huge relief, going home with a clean financial slate, good credit, money in savings, somebody pinch me...

Alicia

Joined: 04/05/02
Posts: 97

I've been lucky to have someone to watch Aidan for me most of the time so I could go to appointments this pregnancy (and there have been A LOT of appontments due to the surgery and the baby measuring small, evrey other week, sometimes, every week). She asked me to watch her daughter this coming Tuesday, at 6:30 in the morning!!! I said no problem. How could I say no, after all the times she's watched Boo? Her husband is deployed, and let's not beat around the bush, I can't stand anything about him, he's an atrocious human being, pretty much vile. Anyway, she's been having troubles with migraines and needs to got get an MRI, hence the appointment. Well, she just got her tounge pierced again a couple weeks ago, nd you have to take all the metal out before you get an MRI (I think?), so she was going to reschedule for at least a week later and at a later hour of the day so I don't have to wake up 2+ hours before my kid. Plus, I've got an appointment in the afternoon, and if she runs late, I'm screwed (she has to go an hour from here for the appointment). Well, she told her husband about rescheduling when he called day before yesterday and he told her she wasn't allowed to reschedule, that she better go. Fine, whatever, he tells her what to do, she complains endlessly about it, but still does whatever he says. So yesterday I'm over there and I was saying how we got Aidan's haricut by Nick, the guy that works right next to where the masseuse is, and how glad I am that I'll be gettinga massage soon. Tiffany says, ""well, you're gonna need it after getting up at 6 and watching two toddlers all day", WTF? She told me on Friday morning she was calling right then to reschedule, and that she'd let me know when the new appointment was, and THAT'S how she chooses to tell me she didn't reschedule?
I'm not ungrateful, I realise all she's done for me, and I don't mind watching her daughter, but I am sick of her sitting at her house being all pissed off day after day because her husband told her she isn't allowed to do this or that, and she just keeps going along with it. She wants to get a job, she's not "allowed" to work at the club on base, heaven forbid some male should *gasp* talk to her. She was going to be a daycare provider, but the base does background checks on both the provider and the spouse, and surprise, surprise, her husband has a few skeletons in his closet, so she can't EVER be a daycare provider through the base (and that's really the only way to get kids). I don't even take my kid over to thier house unless I"m there too when her husband is home, he's such a friggin creep. The guy took thier dog out in the woods (there are tons of logging trails by our housing) and abandoned her out there because he didn't want her anymore. Aside from being illegal, it's just plain cruel.
So, Tuesday, I have her daughter and Aidan, gawd, I hope Aidan sleeps well the night before. I"m SO tired, i can't even express it in words. Up and down all night long, knowing I've still got around 4 weeks of this to go, and then I'll be into a whole new area of sleep deprivation. Ah, isn't the end of pregnancy ironic. You need sleep so badly, you almost want to bank it, prepare for the upcoming nights with less sleep, and you CAN'T sleep because the bladder sends you rushing for the bathroom a million times a night. Add to that, Aidan's still adjusting to his toddler bed and some nights he sleeps all the way through, some nights, he wanders out of his room and has to be redirected to his bed.
Cest la vie...

Alicia

Joined: 04/05/02
Posts: 97

Been spending lots of quality time with my two men, before our new baby arrives. I can't seem to hold my little boy enough, hug him. I want him to know how much I love him, how much me having another baby doesn't mean I love him any less. I realise this will be an ongoing thing, but I also know he'llbe so excited to be a big brother.
I'm still not talking to mom. I keep getting phone calls and emails, but I really need this space, it' so relaxing, it's so peaceful, and THAT'S what I really need right now. I don't want to spend the last few weeks of this pregnancy, my last few moments of time with my boys before the hectic first days of a newborn, dealing with my mother and her ridiculous bullshit. She emailed me to ask if I want her china, or else she's thinking of selling it. I don't give a crap about china, I'm just not a china kind of girl. I thought, hmm, maybe I should get it and save it for our daughter, keep her grandmother's china. Unfortunately, that means talking to my mom, and I'm not prepared to do that right now, and oddly, this all feels like a bait.
I"m doing so well right now. I go see the doctor that will deliver our baby tomorrow, I haven't met him yet. Hey, being a military spouse, and having our son at a military hospital, I saw 4 or 5 different doctors for prenatal care, and of course, one of the two I hadn't seen yet, delivered Aidan. So, actually meeing the doctor before my baby is on her way out is a bonus Biggrin
We went and got a few things I"ll need after the birth, you know, big inexpensive granny panty underwear, my own maxi pads (I know, TMI, but really, I HATE HATE HATE those friggin net underwear and the gigantic maxi pads that make you walk bowlegged, that additionally lack any form of adhesive, so they can move around, UGH!!). I need to start putting the bag together so I'm not rushing around in labor doing it. We're actually getting the baby's diapers and such next weekend. I need to make sure Zac buys a bunch of snacks for himself this time, last time, he didn't bring much of anything, there was no hospital cafeteria, and he had to wait hours for a market to open. That is SO not happening this time, live and learn. This is getting so unbelieveably close, the anticipation is immense.
As for Aidan, hhe doesn't talk much, but whe he does, it's usually backtalk, mostly telling us "no" when we ask him to do something, or tell him to stop something :roll: Gosh, I LOVE the toddler stage, not... He's so freaking cute though...

Alicia

Joined: 04/05/02
Posts: 97

My mother left a message on our machine last night, she said, "I'm sorry if you're still mad at me", wonder if that qualifies as an apology in her mind. I think she forgot what a genuine apology is supposed to sound like. She also said the're seliing the house, that they bought a new one. I knew this was coming, I knew they were moving to Vancouver, and would sell thier house (porperty taxes in Oregon are high, so my dad has always had this plan, retiring around 60, selling the house and moving across the river into WA), but I"m still sad. My parents bought that house before I was born, that's the house they brought me home from the hospital to, thats' the house I came home to after I moved away, year after year, I know no other house as my childhood home, so it sort of hurts to know it's going to be sold. I'm not saying they should keep it, I just didn't expect the emotion I'm feeling over this.
I met the doctor who will deliver the baby, yesterday. It was suposed to be a regular prenatal appointment, but like I said, I MET him, and just like that, he was called away for an emergency c-section. No biggie, I see my regular doc on Monday. Anyway, I really liked the doctor, he speaks amazingly good English, with hardly any accent at all.
Aidan is having a rotten day, he doesn't talk much, and has taken to screaming when he's frustrated, or throwing things. I'm barely hanging on here with my sanity intact. I'm defintaly getting the most out of my workouts at this point, the stress relief alone, *sigh*

Alicia

Joined: 04/05/02
Posts: 97

Ah, where to begin? We got cut off on Wednesday, phone, internet, all of it. See, here in lovely Germany (insert sarcastic tone) you have to go TO the places you have to pay bills, in order to pay them, no online payment, no mailing it in, it's a HUGE PITA. So, our phone / internet was late since we have to drive up there on a weekday, during the hours my husband is at work to pay the stupid bill, that's not so easy to do. We got it turned back on a couple days ago.
Valentines day started off with Aidan screaming and throwing up all over his room (he goes to bed with a sippy of water) at 6 am. We got his room all cleaned up, him in new pj's, the bed changed, and got him settled back down for a few more hours. He was obviously upset, poor little thing. He woke up quite like his usual happy self, and asked for juice, so I gave him some, bad idea. 20 minutes later, he was projectile vomiting THAT all over my room. Got all cleaned up, and he pretty much refused ANY liquid the rest of the day, which sucked, we were bribing him to take drinks. He started feeing better, but didn't want to consume anything, I didn't blame him. By Valentine's day evening, all three ofus were sick, and absolutely miserable, Happy F-ing Valentines Day!!!
I had to g to a friends house to use her phone to call my mother (it's on VDay). This is the first time I've talked to her in weeks, and I knew I had to call for her birthday, or well, I'd just be wrong. She acted all hapy at first, then started trying to casually ask me about my plans for my trip to Michigan. I told her all the details, when we'd be in the NW, etc. then I asked when thier new house would be ready, she said mid-June. Hmm, that's right when I have to leave here for the states, so I said, "well, this is a good thing then, me going to Michigan, you guys will be beyond busy moving and getting settled yourselves", and that's when the tears start. "I just miss seeing you guys". WTF?!? Seriously, it's not a good time anyway, and not only that, they STILL haven't so much as offered to let us stay with them (and really, it's too late now, I"m going to MI, period), I mean really, how am I supposed to come to Portland and live in a hotel or a furnished apartment for 600 a month? Portland isn't cheap, and no car, 2 kids, one a newborn, yeah, that makes so much sense!! Does she keep her brain in a pickle jar? Anyway, I managed to get off the phone in 40 minutes, FORTY friggin minutes I had to listen to her whine and bitch and complain, I just wanted to call and wish her a happy birthday, will thie guilt trip NEVER end? I"m going back on lockdown, I swear, I can't even stand one converstaion with her.
I went to my OB Monday, had a nonstress test (again), he said it was textbook perfect, I'm always grateful for happy news. He then said he wouldn't let me go past my due date, that he would want me induced if I was even a day late, I'm thinking, good, good (but thinking I'll go naturally on my own, Boo was 2 days early). And next week I get a pelvic exam (hiss, boooo, hiss), yuck. I'm not really gaining at this point, which all my books say is okay, but the doctor said I should be doing a pound a week still, I'm not sweating it. My blood pressure is amazingly good, 110/60, wow. I was having troubles with high bp last time, must be all the working out I"m doing (still 4 days a week of cardio). I"m so much happier in my own skin this time around, I'm comfortable (as comfortable as one can be at 38+ weeks), I haven't even started to have any swelling at all, I'm active, and while I"m anxious to meet my new baby, I"m not anxious abuot the labor or delivery, I"m at peace with everything, feeling really good. Thank goodness for THAT!!! All I want is one more weekend with my boys, time to cuddle and hang out with them before we meet the newest addition to our family.

Alicia

Joined: 04/05/02
Posts: 97

Well, here we are, 4 days before my due date. I got sort of wierded out last time I was this close, and it's happening again. Part of me is scared to go overdue, and the other part of me thinks that won't happen, so forget about it and enjoy these pain free moments. I still haven't had a single contraction. As long as I don't get two nights of false labor that I had with Aidan, I"m all good, once is enough for anyone!!!
So, I made sure my husband had sex with me. This is NOT a hard thing to do, I just made sure I didn't fall asleep before he came to bed :D. Next day, part of the mucous plug came out (I think), got all hopeful, aaaand, nothing, lol. I carried my 30+ pound toddler to my friends house on Monday, she lives 3 blocks from here, nothing, not even a twinge. She said, "you'll break your water doing that", I said, "I can only hope". The good news is, I'm not sick with the cold from hell anymore. We were all so sick for over a week, Aidan still has the sniffles and a cough. I think I"m the only one completely over it. I'd feel a lot more sorry for my family if I wasn't due to give birth so soon. Maybe I'm a bad person for being so happy that if one of us is well, it's me, but I just can't see laboring with a head cold...
Mom's been calling, but not every other day, more like once a week. this is an arangement I can live with, I don't feel so invaded. The house sold, in 2, yes, that's not a typo, TWO days. They got the asking price. The realtor got nearly 12,000. Damn, I need a job like that, two days of not really working for 12,000 dollars. Crap sakes, do you even pound the sign in the ground for that length of time, good grief! I'm sort of sad, I know I'll not see the inside of my childhood home again. My parents move sometime in April, to an apartment, and thier house won't be ready until July sometime. All this moving and being busy and my mom is still complaining about not coming here, or me not coming there (still no offer to stay with them, but how in the world could they even do that NOW?!). I can't believe it, it's logistically impossible, and still the woman has issue.
We did our laundry last night and I finished washing the last of the baby shower clothing for the baby, and putting it away. Zac came in the room and opened the drawers to look at some of the stuff (marvel at how small everything is, maybe), and he said, "that's for Daddy's little girl", it was so sweet, the way he said it, almost like a sigh. Every day he calls, "any contractions?!?", every night, when he walks in the door, same thing. I swear, on Monday, he practically asked the doctor to strip my membranes, he's so impatient, worse than me. He was like this with Aidan too, it's just so nice to see him so excited. I know he wants this baby just as much as I do, she was SO planned (we tried for a year), so was Aidan. To hear it, to see it on his face, is priceless. He's got his daddy bag packed, all the electronics fully charged and ready to go, he's even excited about spending a lot of quailty time with Aidan, making him feel special, doing fun things together. THIS is the good stuff...

Alicia

Joined: 04/05/02
Posts: 97

:handball: Here I am, still waiting... Why is my baby still on the inside? :shrug:
I think a walk in the woods is in order tonight (with the family, not alone!).
My mom called yesterday, "Is Aidan napping?", "Yes Mom, and so was I", "Oh, I'm sorry, anyway..." She talked for half an hour after that. More bitching about the house, the "tiny" one bedroom apartment they have to live in for around 4 months, on and on. And she sad to me, "Are you still pregnant? ha ha ha!", oh my, isn't that the funniest thing you've ever heard? PITA.
Well, here's hoping I go into labor by myself, I SO don't want to see my OB on Monday, I so don't want to be induced, blah. Come on Mother Nature, do your stuff!!!

Alicia

Joined: 04/05/02
Posts: 97

Due tomorrow, no baby, ACK! Went for a long walk yesterday AND today. I"m all crampy, back hurts, but nothing else. Uh, little girl, I want to meet you, daddy wants to meet you, your big brother wants to meet you, come on out sweetie, the anticipation is killing us!!!

Alicia

Joined: 04/05/02
Posts: 97

Still no little one...
Going to he OB tomorrow morning, I have his first appointment. He's going to try to get me into the hospitol ASAP for an induction. We're hoping tomorrow, but maybe not until Wednesday. I know I should just be happy he's not making me go a week or two over, but I'm just anxious to meet my baby.
My parent's house sale fell through. The lady backed out on the last possible day before she was tied into the contract. My parents are sort of freaking out, called to cancel thier apartment they had reserved, my dad had a guy from work come over and look over the house to see if he could find anything wrong (he used to be an inspector, so he knows what they look for etc.), they just want to get it over with. I understand all of that, they thought they had it all finished, but really, to sell the house in 2 days seemed sort of crazy, you know, as the old saying goes, if something seems to good to be true, it probably is. Thier new house hasn't even been started yet, they're waiting on the down payment before they break ground. My dad is a cheap ass and I know he's waiting to sell his house before he pays on the new one (to most people, that sounds logical, but my father is very comfortable, paying on that house now would hardly hurt him, and they own the house they're selling, so it's not a double payment).
We looked at new Explorers today, contemplating buying through the military car sales over here and taking delivery while I'm in MI, and Zac would drive the car to WA when we all go over. The big deal is, we can buy a 2003, tax free, and most likely get at least one or more rebates on the vehicle, knocking several thousand off the price. Not to mention an extended bumper to bumper 8 year warranty. We're just trying to figure out the finances, see how much we can save before we leave (we wouldn't have to start payment until 30 days after delivery), and figuring or if it's feasible. I hope it is, but I'm not getting my hopes up.
At this moment, I'm just waiting on my new Boo, hope she arrives on her own, not wanting to be induced AT ALL (I hear pitocin contractions are more painful, and well, I didn't tolerate regular ones all that well!).

Alicia

Joined: 04/05/02
Posts: 97

Still pregnant...
Went to te doctor, had my membranes stripped, OUCH. To add insult to injury, the hospital won't induce me until I'm 41 weeks, so next Monday, at the latest. I'm hopinf the membranes being stripped works thier magic, but I'm not getting my hopes up. It took 4+ days after I had it done with Boo before he was born. Maybe our initial suspicions were right, the due date was off. The doctor estimated the baby is almost 8 pounds though, who knows. i realise those numbers are quite often far off the mark.
So, we wait, no big deal, I'm just anxious. Going out to dinner to calm my nerves and eat some yummy food...

Alicia

Joined: 04/05/02
Posts: 97

STILL HAVE BABY ON THE INSIDE :roll: :!:
Must...get...baby...out...

Happy anniversary to me and Zac. Gosh, I'm a truly lucky woman, what a great guy I've got. Here's to being googly eyed in love Biggrin :D Biggrin

Alicia

Joined: 04/05/02
Posts: 97

Still mommy to ONE, ACK!!! 40 weeks, 6 days, and counting. I saw my doctor yesterday, he got me an appointment for induction on Monday. He told the hospital I'm "mentally exhausted" because of the stress from my early pregnancy sugery, the baby measurements being all out of whack for so long, and now being overdue. I was warned that the midwives or other docs (I've only met one, and it's a friend of my OB) may try to talk me out of the induction or send me home!!! Can Germany be any more wrong? I'm standing my very pregnant ground though, dangit, this baby needs to be on the outside, pronto.
We have an appointment to test drive the new 2004 Explorer, but it went and snowed a good 2+ inches last night, so who knows if that's a go or not. I was so set on getting a used vehicle, but after seeing that we're offered a set price a good chunk below MSRP, the rebates (larger than anything in the states), and free third row seating, AND tax free, I'm in a whole different mindset. The price for a used vehicle is pretty much equal to what wed pay for new, what's the point?
Hoping the full moon brings on the labor...

Alicia

Joined: 04/05/02
Posts: 97

My sweet baby girl is here...
Indigo Rain arrived at 12:15 am Frankfurt time, March 8th, weighing 8 pounds, 1/2 ounce, and 20.5 inches long. What can I say, I simply adore her.
I posted some pics, here's one of her and Aidan...

And her asleep on Zac's shoulder...

We are over the moon, googly eyed in love with our newest addition. I couldn't be happier...

Alicia

Joined: 04/05/02
Posts: 97

I have rotten luck with my body this year, I swear!! First, the ovary tortion, leaving me with only one of those little suckers. Then, while recieving my walking epidural during labor, the anesthesiologist accidentally broke off about 4 cm of catheter in my back (which may or may not require surgery). I've been told it just doesn't happen, so they don't know what will happen to me, the doctor gave me odds of it happening of like 1,000,000 to 1, isn't that nice? Currently deciding how to handle this, do I need a lawyer? Ack!! Now, for the coup de gras... I somehow managed to pop about 5 stitches from my tear, and I got to revisit the hospital yesteday to have myself sewn up all over again, FUN! Holy crap, that hurt, still hurts, won't be leaving the house anytime soon because I can't walk like a normal person. Because te actual delivery was so quick (the labor was 6 hours, but once she was coming out, she was COMING OUT!!) I got an internal tear that extended out enough to literally tear my labia on one side, in half. I have not known pain of this sort before, OMF-ing G!!!
You know what though, I"ve got a beautiful, healthy baby girl that I just can't get enough of. Isn't it funny, before you're a parent, all of that would sound like it wasn't worth it, it takes loving a child to understand how much you'd really go through just to have them in your life for even a moment...

Alicia

Joined: 04/05/02
Posts: 97

Still walking around gingerly, ouchie mama! Zac went golfing with a guy from work today, I can't wait for him to come home and entertain Aidan. Life with two kids is a different experience to say the least. It seems like I can't finish any one thing without needing to nurse Indigo or fulfill one of Aidan's many requests. I know I'll find my groove, but for now, I feel like a headless chicken. I think if you want to lose any excess baby fat from your first child, you should have a second child, you'll be so busy, you won't have time to overeat (let alone process one sane thought, lol).
We got new neighbors, I'll be cordial, but I"ve only got a few months here and I'm sick of getting burned by people around here, so I"m not exactly running down there like the welcome wagon. Plus, they're LOUD. I can hear them running around down there all the time, and they live downstairs, my neighbors upstairs are less of a nuisance. Zac and I are beyond ready to get back to the states and get into a house, apartment living is the shits. I've got two little ones taing naps and somenoe is hammering, I want to scream.
I have to go attempt to wake up the baby, gotta love the first few weeks of breeastfeeding, I forgot how uncomfortable it is at first (surprisingly easier than with Aidan, but the full hard boobs have got to go).

Alicia

Joined: 04/05/02
Posts: 97

Need to be in bed today, still can't get over the pain of the restitch, taking giant prescription strength Motrins.
Zac came home 2 hours late from golf Monday, I was pissed, got over it. I was really just tired and wanted him home to help me, and lost it when he called me half an hour after he said he'd be home (and still had to get gas and drive over an hour to be home).
Indigo had her first well baby appoinment, she gained over half a kilo (more than a pound) between Tuesday evening and yesterday, how the hell did that happen?!?! I mean, I know it seems like she's always nursing, but good grief.
My dad has an infection in his knee, has been to the docs twice in the last couple days. I hope it clears up, I actually worry about him.
Indigo is an angel, an angel that sleeps most of the day and not so much at night, oof. I"m sleep deprived, but I think I"m handling it okay, so far...

Alicia

Joined: 04/05/02
Posts: 97

My mother is at it again. I called her for her birthday, on Valentine's Day. She took that as her personal invitation to start calling me more and more, it's now every single day, yesterday, and day before that, she called twice a day. Can I get a break? I have 2 kids now, less time,a nd she is demanding more and more, invading more and more. Oh goddess help me when I live only 2 hours from her. she called and asked me if the catheter I have stuck inside me is in my back or my urethra. I'm so dumbfounded at her stupidity, I told her it was a catheter from the epidural, I even said something about not needing a catheter because I had bladder control with the walking epidural. It's even more stupid because my mother used to work in a nursing home, and a lab, she was on her way to becoming a nurse, bet there's a whole lot of people in the NW glad that never happened.
My aunt made a comment to her that she should buy a ticket, get a hotel and come see me in Michigan while I"m there with the IL's!!! I want to call her up and tell her to mind her own business, the last thing I want is my mom to come up there, we'll be too close for comfort soon enough. I think I said something like, "well, that's not very necissary, I'll be there soon enough, right?", she of course sounded like she was considering it but told me she thought that way too :roll: .
I have o go feed Miss Indigo for the 43rd time in the last 2 hours...

Alicia

Joined: 04/05/02
Posts: 97

Indigo slept 5 hours straight last night, amazing. I feel like a new woman. Isn't it funny how perspective changes after you've only gotten 2 or 3 hours of sleep at a time for a couple weeks? I used to not function without 8 hours or more.
Feeling sort of down, not really postpartum depression, just blah. Let me say, my husband is a wonderful man, I love him, he's good to us, but he's driving me nuts. He's off this week and goes back to work next Monday. He's grouchy, is increasingly irritated with Boo, and is starting to be less than helpful around the house. I don't get it. Indigo is a full time job in herself at the moment, but I"m still doing for Boo, still doing dishes, still cleaning, doing laundry. I've popped stitches TWICE now, I'm trying to adjust to two kids, just like he is, only I have to provide the food for one of them. I'm losing weight like crazy, lost 5 pounds in a couple days. He's trying to help in his way, but his attitude, his manner is bringing me down. I swear he's a workaholic, he's going nuts not being there, and I just want US to be the only thing on his mind while he's off.
Partly, it's Germany bringing me down, I hate it here so much I want to scream. Only 2.5 months to go, and yet, I know we have so much to do before then. It's so overwhelming, I"ve got so much to do but I can't start just yet. Looking into train tickets for the kids and I from wherever we land stateside (Chicago or Detroit is what we're trying for) to Grand Rapids. I'm looking at a measly 50 bucks, I can swing that.
I want to get there NOW, but I want to lose the baby fat first. I don't want to feel embarassed about how I look. I KNOW I just had a baby, but I'm so self conscious. I"m dying to get on the cross trainer, to go running, but I have to let myself heal a while longer, it's driving me up the wall. Not to mention, I did the cross trainer 4 days a week into my 38th week of pregnancy, so I'm realy missing the workout, it wasn't that long ago I stopped. I miss the stress release, how it made me feel, the energy it gave me.
I need to get out of this house...

Alicia

Joined: 04/05/02
Posts: 97

Got a nap today, that was nice, of course, if I didn't take one, one would have taken me, I'm that tired. TMI, but I was almost done bleeding, and then today, started bleeding again. Glad I see the doc tomorrow, I'm sort of worried about it. Alicia's law, if it can go wrong, it will, most likely to me. I'm not a pessimist, honestly. The truth is, after the year I had last year, the crap I went through, the fact that I miscarried, and was lucky enough to get pregnant again in a few months, I"m counting my blessings. All these things that have happened are just little bumps int he road, and I"m still standing damn it, I've got my health, I've got my baby girl, my boy, my husband, my family. Part of me is just wondering what the heck is going on, what's next for crying out loud?
Aidan is impressing me daily as a big brother. He is so sweet to Indigo, kissing her, patting her, juat wanting to be near her. She's the first thing he looks for in the morning. I can ask him a hundred times to pick up his toys, and he acts deaf, if I ask him to get me something for her, he can't get it fast enough. I can only hope he adores her this much his whole life. These little people are amazing.
Talked with Zac, things are better. I old him how I felt, what a concept. I'm such a wimp sometimes, I don't want to sound ciritcal, to make him feel unappreciated, to make it sound like he's not doing anything, or that he's doing things wrong, so I just don't say anything at all, and what the hell good does that do?
Well, it's bath/bedtime for Aidan...

Alicia

Joined: 04/05/02
Posts: 97

I'm tired, still. Indigo is a great baby, hardly cries, but the nursing and up and down all night are taking thier toll. I'm sleeping in the spare room with her at the moment, but trying to keep her in her own bed so she doesn't get too used to sleeping with me (though she's cuddly and the idea of just letting her snuggle with me instead of putting her in her bed is a very alluring idea). I'm not willing to have a family bed, I need that space to be mine and Zac's, period.
Doctor said I have a bit of tissue in my uterus still, not big enough for a D&C, but big enough that I could continue to bleed a while longer. As long as I don't require another proceedure, well, that's okay with me. I have the big 6 week appointment in a few weeks, I'm so NOT looking forward to that. I thought I'd walk off the examination table on my butt while I was getting the 6 week pap after having Aidan. This time I tore so extensively inside that I'm dreading it all the more.
My mother is calling twice a day again, the good thing is that I was honestly NOT home both times she called today, so no guilt from not talking to her. I"m having a hard time because now when I talk to her, she asks a million questions about Indigo and then proceeds to tell me "oh you NEVER did that", or "oh, you were JUST like that". She did this when I had Aidan too. Anything that seemed a little inconvenient or annoying to her about him, and it was "oh, you NEVER did that", and when he was being good and "ideal" it was, "now you were JUST like that". Time must dull the senses, is there such a thing as a perfect baby? I mean, of course our own children seem "perfect" to each of us, but every living thing has flaws. Anyway, I told her then, and I've told her again that they (Aidan and Indigo) are unique people, and they're NOT me, they do things thier way, and I like that they are unique. What is her deal? It's like she's always trying to find a way to make me seem inferior to her, and I'm not even competing.
Zac goes back to work Monday. I'm hoping he doesn't get a mission and have to leave the country. His co-worker is going to be gone for a month on leave, so there wil be one less person to go if one comes up, making it pretty likely he could go. the good thing is, it's only a few days that he'd be gone, I"m just not feeling very confident with both kids, alone, for days at a time just yet. I know I'll be okay.
Baby is sleeping, I should do the same...

Alicia

Joined: 04/05/02
Posts: 97

I saw the doc today at the base, I REALLY like her. anyway, asked about my stitches, something just hasn't seemed right to me, I saw my German OB about it a couple weeks ago, but I wasn't entirely impressed with his assurance that everything would heal okay. I was also there to discuss the catheter and getting an MRI. Se put in the order for the MRI, looked at my stitches, and called the chief OB in Heidelberg, who agreed to see me today. The short story is that the catheter should not be removed, but I should still get an MRI, and for the rest of my life, I have to tell my docs it's there, hopefully I never need another epidural again (no more babies!!!). I COULD have some nerve issues at some point, the cath coming into contact with nerves and causing that gross / wierd sensation that happens when you get an epi, the electric feeling in the legs and lower back. As for the stitches, the OB thinks it may heal enough on it's own, but I'm due to go back at the end of April for a follow up, and if I need it, I'm having reconstructive surgery. How vain am I? Reconstructive vagina surgery, lol. Okay, not vain, but self conscious. Apparently, they do this sort of thing quite often for patients who get extensive tears. She told me they can't really do anything about it NOW because the stitches could come out or cause more scar tissue because it's been messed with so much. She wants me to fully heal and THEN we'll see what needs to be done. For now, I"m still relying on my horse pill sized Motrins for pain relief. Heaven help me when my prescription runs out.
My kids are doing great, Aidan is still enamoured with his little sister, I am truly amazed at his tenderness. Indigo is sleeping more and more, which is nice, unfortunately, I"m not, I have a bad habit of trying to get things done when she sleeps instead of resting, or just enjoying the quiet.
Mom is driving me crazy. She told me the other day that she told a family friend the kid's names, and she thought the names were so cool. I said, "that's because they are", I"m ever humble, lol. Anyway, my mother said, "well, I never said anything bad about thier names", hmm, I'd call that selective memory. She actually told us when we told her the name that we should have told her sooner so it would have time to "grow on" her. We purposely didn't tell her because she made a rude comment about the name we were going to use for Aidan, and we changed it because of that. We decided not to spill the beans on Indigo's name because we figured no one would say anything negative about her name if we already gave it to her. No one except my intrusive, tactless mother, that is...
anyway, I gotta get Aidan a bath, he's waiting on me...

Alicia

Joined: 04/05/02
Posts: 97

I have a good one, my parents never cease to amaze me. So, they had sold the house supposedly, and the first sale fell through. A couple weeks ago my mom said they got another offer on the house and that they accepted it, but they weren't counting on it because of what happened last time. Now, my mom calls every day, sometimes more than once a day. A couple days ago, I get an Easter card in the mail from my parents and at the bottom it says "As of April 10th, our new address will be...", it totally threw me, because they made no mention of it, I even asked my dad about the offer a few days after mom mentioned it to me, and he didn't say a word. So last night they call and I asked about it, and my mom says all offhand, "oh, I didn't say anything? Hmm, must have forgotten", WTF?!? Later on last night, Zac called his mom, and he was telling her about it, and she says, "oh, I got an email about it at least a week ago". My mom doesn't even know my MIL other than a few phone conversations and an email here and there (Zac and I got married at the Justice of the Peace, our families live in seperate states, so they've never met face to face). Anyway, isn't that nice, they don't tell me, but email everyone else to tell THEM.
It's nice and cool here in Germany, I was getting worried that summer was coming soon, but thankfully, it's raining right now. I"m going nuts waiting to get my workout going again, I feel so FAT. I'm not really fat, but definately chunky, and it's not a good look for me. I need to lose weight before the summer or I'll be miserable, I refuse to buy new clothes and all my summer stuff is pre-Aidan pregnancy.
I'm feeling very anxious about all we have to do in the next couple months. We still have no birth certificate for Indigo, and it'll be a few weeks before we actually do, not good news if you ask me. Once we get the German one, we have an appointment at the American Consulate to get the American Report of Birth Abroad, and the passport. It'll take a couple days to get those after we have our appointment. Once that's taken care of, we have to get Zac's orders ammended so Indigo is on them. The crappy part is that we can't do anyhing until we have orders, can't make an apointment for our household goods to be shipped, can't clear anything on base, nada, it's so frustrating, I want to scream. Deep breaths, we will get all this done, we will be okay...

Alicia

Joined: 04/05/02
Posts: 97

Nadine, my dear, I'm so angry for you, so sad for you, so heartbroken for you. We haven't IMed or written in a while, but I'm sill here, still your friend, still rooting for you, big, long distance hugs...
Just going through the days, i a daze. How did it become Thursday night so fast? I feel like the time is slipping through my fingers, not enough hours in a day, such is life with a toddler and a new baby, at least that's how it is for this mom. I seriously can't complain, I'm doing well, Indigo woke up once out of 9 hours last night, so in the sleep department, it could be a whole lot worse.
Not much to report, Zac ordered my new Explorer a couple days ago. I can't believe I"m getting a new car this year, I"m so psyched. 2004 is shaping up to be a good one in so many ways.

Alicia

Joined: 04/05/02
Posts: 97

OMF-ingG I have so much to do. I don't even want to think about the sheer number of medicaland dental appointments I've got in the next few weeks. Wait, that reminds me, I need to see an eye doctor too, I lost my glasses, and can't drive without them. Seems everything happens at once.
I took Aidan to the park today, had Indigo in the sling, she slept the whole time, Aidan had a ball running around like a little madman. He needs that, every day. I hate to say that he may be better off in daycare, like he will be when we get to Seattle and I start school. I try, I really do, but he needs even more than I have been able to give him lately, I was so drained through the last month or so of my pregnancy, and since I've had Indigo. I realise that's normal, but he doesn't understand why we're not doing a whole lot. At least for the time being, I'm feeling well, and my energy level is getting back to where it was (thank goodness, I'm so ready to start working out!). I"m taking advantage of it and doing as much for my little guy as I can, he deserves better than he's gotten lately.
We went to a cookout type party at a guy's house from Zac's work on Saturday. Something REALLY scary happened. I was in the livingroom, and Zac walked in, and i asked where Boo was. He said he just checked on him, and that he was drawing int he palyroom. I hadn't seen him in a bit, so I went to say hi to him, an dhe wasn't there. I looked in the yard, not there either, looked all over the house, couldnt' find him. I told Zac and some of the guys went to go walk the neighborhood to see if he got out of the gate. I looked all over the house again, and just as I was starting to lose it, they told me they foud him. he did get out, and walked a good block up the road when a German lady stopped him (she was outside with her friends and thier kids). I was horrified. What if we hadn't been out in the coutry? What if he had gone farther? What if... I completely broke down, told him how badly he scared me. I thinkmy heart stopped. I'm lucky, he was fine.
Hungry baby, that's my cue...

Alicia

Joined: 04/05/02
Posts: 97

Can I be colpletely selfish for a minute or two? I'm feeling so, blah. W here do the kids and husband end, and I begin? I'm exhausted, my house is a disaster, I haven't shaved my legs in weeks, and I just want 5 minutes to unwind, without a thought in the world for how my family will survive said 5 minutes.
I feed Indigo, I have no time to pump, so anyone else givng her a bottle is out of the question at the moment. Poor Aidan stands there like a little trooper waiting patiently for me to finish feeding his sister for the 4000th time of the day, so I can get him a snack, or he gives up on me and tries to literally climb the cabinets in search of sustinance. Taking a shower is a challenge every day, but I refuse to go without, no matter how short the shower is, I NEED it. Then there's the laundry, and the dishes, which at this moment, seem to be full time jobs in themselves. I swear on my life if my husand asks me what's for dinner one more night this week, I will kill him with my bare hands. He doesn't get why I'm a mess right now, I literally can't remember the littlest things. I forgot to strap Aidan into his carseat yesterday, I had to be reminded, I'm losing my grip due to sleep deprivation. He had the nerve to tell me last week that the reason I'm having memory issues is because for the last 3 years, I haven't been "mentally challenged", as if to say my brain has atrophied. I guess caring for my son and him for the last 3 years isn't stimulating or challenging enough, hmm, like to see him do it for a month.
In my fantasy: I'll come home from "work" (I say this tongue in cheek, he's a professional, he's a great guy, but I'd hardly say he works "hard", his job is a cakewalk), throw my clothes onto the loveseat wihout a thought to who might pick them up. I then bitch about "work". After I bitch, I fill Zac in on how my workout went at the gym that day, how much weight I lifted, what lifts I did, how far I ran, etc. I ask what's for dinner while I'm showered with kisses and hugs from Aidan, who is beside himself with joy to see me after I've been gone all day, and hold the baby. I watch TV for a while. At about 10:30, I decide I'm tired, gosh, getting up at 6 to go sit at a desk is rough, I need my sleep (nevermind that Aidan wakes at 8 if I'm lucky, and I go to bed much later than Zac, wait this is my fantasy, he goes to bed later, I get to get a full night's sleep!). I leave Zac up with Indigo to feed her and entertain her until she falls asleep around midnight.
The thing is, I made the decisoin with BOTH kids to sleep in a seperate (from Zac) room with them when they were newborns. I did it with Aidan until he was about 6 weeks, and I'm doing it with Indigo. It's easier for me to feed them, and I figure what's the point of both of us being woken up at night, if we dont' have to be? I'm not trying to prove anything, I don't think I'm supermom, or wife, I just don't know how he could be of any help in the middle of the night when she needs to eat. So, he really is sleeping all night, and isn't getting the whole newborn exhaustion thing. If Aidan gets up, it's all him, I don't deal with Aidan in the middle of the night right now (and it does happen, he does wander out of his room in the middle of the night at times), but it's not the same, he just needs to be put back in bed, it takes less than a minute.
All that being said, it's 12:15, my darling girl has finaly fallen asleep, and I need to soak up every bit of sleep I can...

Alicia

Joined: 04/05/02
Posts: 97

I put Indigo int he sling, wrote Zac a note, and took the kis to the park yesterday. I didn't get home until after 6, Zac said he was wondering when and if I'd come home at all. While we were out, Zac vacuumed, cleaned up the table and was washing windows. I was really surprised, and happy, a few less things for me to do, an dit was so nice to wake up and see a cleaner house this morning. He even made dinner last night.
I felt so good after taking Boo to the park yesterday, this has got to be an everyday thing, he is a different kid when he gets that time to run around and just be OUT. I know, it sounds like, "well, duh, of course he does". I've just been so busy, so tired. I"m slowly getting my head above water, slowly learning how to be a mom of two, it's coming together.
On a not so happy note, Zac has a mission all week next week, so that means the kids and I, alone for a week, for the first time. I'm sort of freaked out. I know we'll be fine, I'm just not looking forward to it, it feels like I'm being thrown into the deep end, sink or swim time. The only person I could count on to help me, the only person I had here to call on the phone, to hang out with, is gone, I"m really doing this all alone. I knew it would most likely ahppen while we were still here, that he'd have to go away for a short period, it just sucks. I'm just glad I've got my husband most of the time, he's not deployed, he's here, with me.

Alicia

Joined: 04/05/02
Posts: 97

Yesterday Zac and I were all over each other in the kitchen (still non-sexual, my poor nether regions), practiaclly making out and he says, "Isn't it great that we're still so in love?", ahh, I think I melted. He left for the UK today, he called, told me he got there safe. I laid in our bed while the kids had naps today, I could still smell him on the pillow, I miss him like crazy already.
Well, bedtime bath routine for the kids was... interesting tonight. I'm exhausted. I think it took me twice as long. Poor Indigo was wailing as I was trying to bathe Aidan, get his pj's on, read him a story. What else could I do? I had to get him to bed, I couldn't hold her at the same time, it was so frustrating, and I felt horrible. Then it was her turn, and baby girl still hates being messed with, still cries during about 50% of her diaper changes, so baths are a nightmare. I used to feed Aidan before his bath at night, then lay him down right away, with her, I have to nurse her after the bath to calm her down, she gets so upset.
My parents called, my mother was trying to get my dad to go to church. Let me just say, I've only seen my father in a church a couple times in my life, a funeral or wedding was the occasion, not a Sunday sermon, it's not his style. They used to go to this flea market on Sundays and called it "church", how very white trash of them. I assumed that's what she meant when she said church, and I said "oh, going to the flea market?" and she actually acted offended, whatever :roll: . Now that she lives in Vancouver, by her best friend, she thinks she has to go to her church, AND drag my father along. Who the hell does she think she is? Seriously, she's been shoving religion down my throat for ages, and I've already told her I've got my own path, and it's not Christianity, so stop trying to "save" me. Plus, she hasn't been to a church service in about 15 years, so why NOW, it seems so phony. She made some comment that my dad no going made her just like her mother and that she thinks it's just not right. What does THAT mean? Grandpa has been dead 8 years. I am so perplexed by her, truly.
Well, it's late, I should go to bed, or I'll regret it, another 4 days of this, I want to pass out just thinking about it. It will get easier, it will get easier, it will get easier...

Alicia

Joined: 04/05/02
Posts: 97

Well, it's not getting easier, but I'm surviving.
Indigo has a really bad rash on her face & ears, no idea what it is, and it's not going away at all. Looks like an eczema breakout. poor baby girl. I need to make an appointment with the doc for her, it needs to be checked. I hope she doesn't have eczema too, I hate that Aidan does.
I think I broke my toe today. Nope, not being dramatic, I really think I broke it. I was handing Aidan his juice this morning, and he didn't grab on tight enough andit fell right on my middle toe, the little skinny one. I have no idea how I missed all the other toes, but I did. Anyway, it's all black and blue and hurts like hell, I'm definately hobbling around a bit. Damn it, I don't need this!!! I was seriously starting the cross trainer TODAY, and I can't even bear the thought of putting on shoes right now, it hurts so bad. I hope it feels better in a couple days, I need to get my fat ass on the cross trainer. I'm doing a little lifting routine and a few floor exercises, but it's just not enough, I NEED cardio.
Aidan is a total monster, he's trying me at every turn. I realised I started a bad habit of asking him several times (or telling him) to do something before I act on it and MAKE him do it, Zac does the same thing with him. I'm paying for that now. Now I'm getting up and making him do things the first time, I'm hoping he'll get that I'm serious and want him to listen the first time, but I'm really frustrated and this is exhausting me (he gets all the sleep he wants, so he's one up on me there). Oh, isn't two fun? I keep telling myself to hang onto my hat, I hear three and four are worse, is that possible?!? Today alone, he's probably taken out 5 pairs of socks and put them on, and decided he wanted a new pair. I guess I don't have enough to do, he's making more laundry for me.
Mommy is tired, mommy would like to give her two weeks notice, but well, that wouldn't be very mommy-like, now, would it? Guess I have no choice but to hang in there...

Alicia

Joined: 04/05/02
Posts: 97

I've been thinking about something a lot lately, getting my pilot's license. Seriously, I've always wanted to learn how to fly, and I have a friend up in Washington that has his license and is working on his commercial license. I can use my GI Bill for it, and massage school will only use up about 1/4 of my money. I can get some really great advice from my friend, too. I'm really excited about this, it's a dream of mine, and I just don't see any reaon why I shouldn't persue it, I've got the money there, and once I'm done with massage school, and the certification tests, I'll have accomplished what I need to go ahead with my career. Don't get me wrong, I plan on continuing my education as much as possible on the side in regaurds to massage, there is ALWAYS some new technique or aspect to learn, another way to help make me better informend and well rounded. I'm still not entirely sure I want to write off getting at least an associates or something in business, I could use those classes, I'd really like to have my own business someday, work for myself, hopefully employ some people myself. I've been giving all of this a lot of though. I have allowed myself to be discouraged, upset that I've put off ME for so long (but really, getting married and having my babies helped me grow as a person, immeasureably). I get in this mindset that I'm already 29, that I'll be 30 when I start massage school, but I need to think that I'm ONLY 29. I wasn't handed a thing, all I am, I did for myself, by myself. My parents didn't give me money for school, they didn't even point me in the direction of school, I found a way to finance it. It took me longer than a lot of people to get started, and that's a bit hard, no matter how I look at it, but now, at this point in my life, I"m sure of myself, I know what I want, the person I want to continue to grow to be, and that brings me a great amount of peace.
Zac comes home today, I feel relieved and happy. I know Aidan will be ecstatic to see him. I'm just glad this week is almost over, and I get my honey home.

Alicia

Joined: 04/05/02
Posts: 97

He's back!!! I"m so happy. He got here at 8 pm last night, so we had a couple hours together before bed, and he had to work today, yuck. I"m hoping he gets a three day weekend so we can spend some extra time together. Aidan was so happy to see him, he couldn't stop running around giggling. I can't help but think about when Zac's at school for 7 weeks, how will Aidan deal withthat? How will I? He's going to miss him like crazy, that boy adores his daddy.
I think my toe is okay, gawd it hurt for a couple days, but I'm feeling much better now. I think starting tomorrow morning, I'm going to wake up early and go running. At least that way, I know I'll get my workout in, I can wake up with Zac, and while he gets ready for work, I can go running, while the kids are still in bed. It's going to be hard to start, but I can do this. I remember when I started basic training, I threw up the first time I had to run the mile and a half (it didn't help that I ate eggs and buttered toast for breakfast not 30 minutes before the run), by the time I left, 6 weeks later, I was running around 3.5 miles a day, with the men. I looked, and felt, great. I need to push myself further than I have been, harder than I have been in the last few years if I ever want to make a big change. I'm miserable being even a little overweight, and my kids deserve to have a happy mom, this is not about JUST me anymore. So, this is my pan of attack, I'm going to do this, and it'll hurt like hell at first, but pain be damned, I'm looking at a bigger picture...

Alicia

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