I'm officially obsessed with getting out of here, oh don't get me wrong, I wanted to go home long before now, but NOW, I have a light at the end of my tunnel, and it's a familiar, bright, light. I'm looking at massage tables, deciding on classes, figuring out childcare, fantasizing about my first meal in Washington state, trying to wrap my head around being able to run errands on a Sunday, or even late at night if I want to. Oh, the states are a dream, don't wake me up!
Poor Aidan had a rough night last night. At 12:30, we heard this huge THUD from his room, followed by our kid just bawling his eyes out. Poor little guy fell out of bed, and it scared the crap out of him, he literally held on tight to Zac and was shaking for at least 5 minutes. He had a really hard time sleeping after that, and actually asked to go down over an hour early for his nap today . I know this stuff happens, but Mommy is SO not ready for this!!
No calls from my mother today, it's a miracle. I literally sat on the phone listening to her breathe for 10 minutes last night because she SAID she wanted to "talk" to me since she didn't get to the day before (there are only a few people I can talk to every day and still have something to say, and my mom isn't one of them). Finally, I told her I had things to do and had to go. She says, "okay, I'll talk to you later, oh! I meant to tell you...", this is the normal sequence of events in our phone "conversations", she says nothing (but she called ME), I say I have to go after getting tired of holding the noiseless phone to my ear, and THEN she starts to talk .
I got an email from my best friend today, she's finishing up the process of getting an internship with the Air Force (she'd be commissioned and start her career as a psychiatrist). She could possibly aslo be up in Washington in another year or so. My fingers are tightly crossed. She now lives in Puerto Rico, she had moved back home after going reserve years ago, got married, had two kids, and finished up school. She never stopped wanting to go back to Washington, she missed it too much, and this is an excellent way for her to get back. Would it be greedy of me to want this with all my might, I've gotten so much I've wanted lately? Oh, who cares, I want it, I miss my friend!!
Wel, I'm up way too late, considering how tired I've been lately, trying to finish up my laundry so I don't have to face it tomorrow. Aside from my love of cooking and baking, domesticity is NOT my thing, which explains why I"m avoiding my laundry like the plague...
I guess the NW has been getting slammed with snow and ice, not rare further inland, but in Portland, Seattle, Tacoma, this much is insane.
My mother called a little bit ago, in tears, my dad fell at work and broke his ankle. He'll be off for 6 weeks. They were talking about sending two guys from work to pick him up from the hospital to take him to buy crutches and get him home. Uh, how is my dad supposed to walk in crutches on ice? I hope they send two BIG guys to get him in the house, he's 6'2". Mom is freaking out, she can't drive in the snow, and honestly, growing up there, they'd close school down all over the city for a mere 2 or 3 inches of snow, let alone ice. People up there see snow so seldom, no one knows how to drive in it, it's a mess. So, she now doesn't know how she's going to get bac and forth to work, since he was the one taking her since this started. Luckily, my parents are comfortable, so they don't NEED to work, but that's not really the point.
I'm pretty much blah, not feeling so hot, sort of run down tired and nauseous. I've been a huge grumpy *** today as well. Thank goodness tomorrow is Friday, I'm sure Aidan could use a break from me for a couple days. It's definately time for father / son time...
My dad is okay, ornery and unble to sit still for 5 minutes, refusing to take his pain meds, but fine . My mom said she got the neighbor from across the street to come tell him to stay off the ankle, or he'd cause more damage (she's a nurse). He doesn't have a cast yet, not until Monday, so my mom is just trying to keep him off it until then, no small feat in itself. Why is he SUCH a pain in the ***???
I'm still blah, but happy beyond belief at our good fortune. I'm just so excited to get back in my element, I'm so much more ME in the NW, I'm healthier, happier, and well, you just can't beat that.
Zac told his mom we're going to Washington, and she was happy for us. I feel bad, I really love my IL's, but we really want to live in the NW. I would love to live closer to Zac's family, have Aidan know his cousins, his aunts and uncles, his grandparents better, but our hearts are further west, what can I say? We haven't made a very good effort to get to Michigan at all, but that's really our goal now, we NEED to make going there a priority. It's not just the two of us anymore, we're going back to the states with two little people we didn't leave there with, and thier families want to know them, they deserve that. I often wonder if maybe someday we might live out in Michigan (I'd love to have enough money to have a house out here too, someplace we could go part of he year or something?) one day. Who knows, the future is wide open...
Aidan has turned into something quite evil over the last couple days. Screaming at every little thing he doesn't get his way, every time we don't know what he wants, it's beyond frustrating. How many time outs can I give, how many times can he be sent to his room, to bed, it's driving me NUTS. At least he's eating well, more energy needed for the scream fests, I suppose, lol.
My friend called me in tears, her husband apparently has been calling from wherever he's deployed to, telling her how irresponsible she is, how useless, how lazy, etc. What an ***. She didn't have any access to their pay information, which she needed to straighten this one thing out, and he yells at her for it? I hate to say it, but I don't like him on a good day, he's such a jerk. I'm so sick of my friends being involved in one way or another with asshole men. For crying out loud, how many toads are out there?!?
We're trying to figure out what I"m going to do with myself while Zac's at school, when we'll go to Michigan to see the family, looking up cars to buy once we get to the states. I know there are a million things to do, I HATE moving, but this move will be SO worth it. Hopefully Zac can stay in the area, I didn't move growing up, and I'd hate to do that to my kids. the military life is our choice, but it's really hard on a kid to move every few years.
I hit 33 weeks, I'm in disbelief that I'm so close to having this baby, and yet, it seems sort of far off at times. I feel like I've hardly had time to think this time around. chasing after Aidan has kept me quite busy. I"m getting ready to start going to the American military hospital in a few weeks. I think this next appointment with my OB wil be the last with him. He's a great guy, but I do not want to deliver in a German hospital. The frustration I felt when I had my surgery in August at not understanding what people were saying (well, not entirely, I know quite a bit of German, but when things start getting intricate and technical, as tends to happen with medical proceedures, it gets to be too much to absorb), I just can't do that again. What if something went wrong, I wouldn't understand. It was one thing to worry about was I okay, did I manage to not lose the baby during surgery, but I can't imagine a., dong that again, and b., worrying about not me, but my baby, I'd be a basket case. I know a couple women who have delivered off base here, and while the experiences were okay, most of the time, there wasn't anyone available that spoke English. No thanks...
I'm looking at schools right now, trying to decide between two, it's NOT easy. I've got time to sort it out, I'm just so ready to get going, I can't help being so excited about it.
This is our Friday, Zac has a nice long 4 day weekend, and I'm SO ready for it.
Well, I found out some very big news last night, Zac has to go to his recruiter training en route, which means, I won't be left alone here in Germany with the kids. I feel bad for him because this means he won't get a rental car (his unit here pays for a rental car, but he'll no longer be attatched to his unit, so that won't happen), and he won't have a laptop from his unit to use. However, I am truly relieved and happy. I'd rather be almost anywhere stateside with the kids then here in Germany. At least I know if I pick up the phone and call someone for help, if something should happen, I'll get an English speaker. Zac is trying for a 60 day assignment curtailment, so we'd leave here in mid April, versus the begining of June, and we'd be in Washington by late June, early July. We'll find out about that later.
So let the drama begin... I called my parents to let them know what the deal was, my mom was still at work, so I talked to my dad. My IL's would like me to come stay with them while Zac is in school, then Zac would come up to Michigan for a couple weeks, and we'd all fly to Washington together. I think it sounds like a great plan, they'd get lots of time with the grandparents and almost all, if not all 6 of thier aunts and uncles they've never met. I haven't been back there in over 5 years, and Zac hasn't been for nearly 4, and that was for a funeral. My father thinks it's a great idea for us to go there, but in a big way, I know he just doesn't want to be inconvenienced by me and my children. He actually suggested I try to stay in a hotel by myself with the kids in Washington while Zac was in school, he never once offered to have us come stay there, even though they have more than enough room.
Well, once my mom got home, my dad broke the news to her, which I didn't ask him to do, I said I'd call her later on, or she could call me, and I'd tell her myself. The thing is, regaurdless of if Zac gets the curtailment or not, I won't have any of my furniture, any of my belongings besides what we pack to take with us for 2 months, so having a houseguest in April is out of the question. We'd be packing out either in late March or mid April, right when she's planning to come. Besides all that, my mom claims she's coming to "help" me, but Zac will be here, I won't need anyone to come stay with me now. Well, my dad calls me last night at almost 9 my time to tell me he told her and that she immediately burst into tears and went to the basement. He tried to get her to talk to me on the phone but she said she was "too upset to talk". I am in complete shock as to how friggin selfish and childish my mother is. I"m going to live less than 3 hours from her, she will get to see her grandchildren, Zac, and I more than my ILs have the slightest hope of. I'll be in the NW in July at the latest, only 3 months tops later than she was going to see us. Is it REALLY something to get that upset about, something to cry and carry on about? I'm absolutely sick to death of walking on eggshells with my mother, catering to her because I don't want to deal with the outbursts, the tears, the "it's not fair's". She is never happy for me unless what makes me happy fits into her plans. Can you tell I'm angry at her? I'm just truly upset about all of this, so tired of not having anything remotely resembling a "normal" family.
Mommy to Aidan Storm 10/31/01 and Indigo Rain 3/8/04
Hmm, no wonder my mom doesn't think it's a big deal my kid has never met his other grandparents, that my husband hasn't been home in years, she has almost zero relationship with her own family. As a small child, I remember my mother not speaking to grandma, grandpa, or her sisters for years, I never understood WHY, I just knew I didn't get to see a huge part of my family year after year, even on holidays. It took my grandmother having a heart atack on Christmas Eve (she survived) to get my mom to pull her head out of her ***. The irony is, we got news of the heart attack while we were at my dad's friend's house, a man who molested me every chance he got. Nope, can't hang out with family, just dad's shady friend. Okay, they didn't know about my little secret yet, but I missed out on my family only to be sexually abused by someone over the holidays, nice!! Things continued to be icy in the family, but I couldn't care less about the adults and thier issues, I had my family back. I won't forget sitting in my grandma's hospital bed with her, I had missed her so badly. What on earth is big enough to divide a family for years? Well, really, it was just my mom, dad and I that didn't participate, everyone else carried on as normal, as normal as that can be I guess.
I WANT my kids to see thier grandparents, thier aunts, uncles and cousins. Most of them are in Michigan, I'm an only child, Zac is the oldest of 7. I won't let my mother try to guilt me into her plans, I won't let her dictate who does what with whom, when, and for how long. Screw that, she can participate in the completely reasonable fashion that we would like her to, or she can choose to cut herself out again. i just refuse to let her make me miserable...
I think I've been trying to do too much this pregnancy, and today, it all caught up with me. I spent most of the day in bed, Zac watched Boo. I just feel crampy and beyond exhausted. I drifted in and out of sleep, Aidan coming in to visit me and give me big smile and a kiss every so often. Nice to know he didn't forget about me .
Last night I had the WORST heartburn I have ever experienced in my life, I just wanted to cry, wait, I think I did cry, it hurt SO bad. I tried every position I could think of, to make it stop, took Tums, that made it worse. I cursed the fact I'm in this inconvenient country where I can't just go out at 10 pm to the pharmacy and grab some Pepto or something to give me relief. Zac didn't know what to do for me, I told him he didn't have to stand in the bedroom with me, I wasn't going to pass out or anything, and besides, him looking at me all concerned wasn't helping. 34 weeks, and already there's not enough room in this body for the both of us, what can I do but hpe it doens't get worse...
Another level II ultrasound tomorrow morning, hope it's my last, I'm really tired of this. I have another appointment with my German OB next week, and hopefully, thats' my last. By the time I go to the American hospital, I'll be 36 weeks, so I"ll have to go every week anyway. I'm appointment-ed out!!!
Well, my mother has started sending me insulting emails, insulting me, my IL's, the whole nine. I asked her to please stop, told her I can't deal with all the negativity right now, that I"m trying to be positive and have a healthy baby here, but she doesn't seem to care about any of that, I"m still being bombarded. Why is it all about HER? Why can't she get her **** together, and stop blaming me for all that is wrong with her life? A lot of bad happened to me while I was growing up, some of it at the hands of my parents, but I picked myself up, dusted off, and I've been doing ME all on my own for a really long time now. I don't need to wallow in the past, I don't need to blame anyone. I realise I'm an adult, and that it's up to me which direction my life goes, I get to choose, I have to make the best of the hand I'm dealt.
I sent her this email...
Why do you have to treat me like that? I don't
deserve that AT ALL. Were you just saving up your
arsenal of insults for the right time, to make me feel
bad? It's not my fault, but it IS a fact of life that
we live in Germany right now, I can't help that, I
can't change what's already happened. I'm sorry it
upsets you so much that I had my babies so far from
home, but I don't know what you or dad expected my
life to be like when I went into the Air Force, did
you think I"d always be close to home, that I'd get
out and move right back to my old life when 4 years
was up? I think a lot happened that no one took into
consideration. I met a wonderful man who loves me,
who'd give his life for me and his children if it ever
came to that, and we live a military life. I wanted
Washington SO BADLY because we truly love it up there,
I"m sorry if that disappoints you. The schools I want
to attend are up there too. I didn't do anything to
hurt anyone, we just tried to do what was right for
us. We had 5 of 8 choices int he Northwest, we had
ONE choice in Michigan, and it was near the bottom of
the list. Why can't you just be happy for us, be
happy that we'll be so close? I dont understand why
you have to view this with a negative eye.
Zac's parents DO NOT just want to see us on thier
terms, that's unfair. They have, until recently, had
kids living at thier house. They don't have a lot of
money, and they don't fly. They are already talking
about driving out to the NW to see us all sometime
soon. Zac was actually talking to them about how my
dad could probably tell them how to get the best deals
on hotels for the trip over since it would take a
couple days. Like I said before, they are just as much
our family as you and dad are, and my children deserve
to know thier WHOLE family. If that means I have to
take my kids to them, I WILL, because they will not
miss out on knowing such a huge part of thier lives.
You know, I grew up not knowing my own family very
well. I saw my grandparents, my cousins, aunts and
uncles on holidays for the most part. There were a
few occasions when I saw them outside of that, but
they were few and far between. We never lived that
far from any of them either. Then there was a space
of a few years when we didn't see your whole side of
the family at all, and I was too young to understand
what was going on. All I knew was the next time I saw
them was in the hospital waiting room. I don't want
that for my kids, I don't want them to be strangers to
thier family. Please accept that I'm doing the VERY
BEST I can, and I'm trying to do right by everyone.
I'm sorry you feel like I've disapponted you, I've
tried my whole life to live up to what I thought you
and dad wanted from me. I can't validate you as a
person, I can't make you whole, I can't make up for
whatever you feel has gone wrong in your life, and
it's unfair to expect that from me. I've tried to be
a good daughter to you, but you have to understand
that I'm more than that, I'm someone's wife, 2 little
someone's mommy, and I don't sit around thinking of
ways to hurt you, and if I did, it was unintentional.
I guess if you need time to be pissed at me or
whatever, then you'l just need to do that, but I
really can't deal with all this anger and resentment.
I've really been through a lot in the last year, I'm
trying to get through the next month unscathed, I'm
trying to have a healthy baby, and all this is NOT
healthy for me. I love you, I don't know what else to
And yet, the hits keep on coming, WHY? She literally told me that my being in Washington was just as bad as me being in Germany. Am I stupid, or is there someone out there that knows WTF that is supposed to mean? I'm not trying to keep anything from her. I'm not saying "don't come visit us", we'll be so close, what is the problem? She actually said "It reminds me of my growing up and never seeing my grandparents and they lived just across the river in Portland", WHY is that? And honestly, how is that different than what she did to me by letting an arguement between her and my grandparents keep us from that whole side of the family for over 3 years when I was a kid? She's creating scenarios in her head to get mad about, she's literally mad about something that hasn't even happened, what can I possibly do about all her hypotheticals? Do i get to be angry about things that haven't even happened? NO, that's ridiculous and CRAZY!!! It's times like this I wish I had a sibling to talk to, someone who understood the intracacies of our family dynamic, knew the whole history. Gosh, scratch that, Ithink that could be considered cruel and unusual...
Yeah, I"m cutting her off. I hardly answer my phone anymore, for fear I'll get her voice on the oher end of the line. I'm ready to block her email address for at least a little while. I need a break, and I'm not getting one the easy way. I've had to cut her off before, she started threatening to call my commander. To spare myself the embarassment, I talked to her. I know that was the wrong move, but I didn't want to deal with potential fallout inmy professional life.
Zac is in shock that she'd go off insulting his parents, saying things she knows nothig about (she's never so much as met them, how on earth does she think she knows enough about them to say the things she's saying?). One thing I know for certain, THEY aren't acting crazy, they aren't acting like spoiled brats because they aren't getting things exactly the way they want them. I honestly can't remember the last time I got to be the child and she acted like an adult, well, too late for that, I have a life and responsibilities all my own now.
You know what, I'm not miserable, I'm actualy quite happy. I've got a good life, I've got a great kid, one on the way, an amazing man to share this life with, and I really don't want for anything, and I'm healthy. She doesn't get to take any of that away from me, I won't be the vicitm, that would only perpetuate the cycle. My friedn saw book the other day and said she thought of me, I ordered it right away when I saw wht it was about, it's called The Emotional Incest Syndrome. It's about handling intrusive parents, parents who rely on thier children for the emotional relationships and support they SHOULD be getting from a spouse. I about fell out of my chair, that's IT.
Well, my workout calls me. I"m so glad I"ve been sticking to my routine (well, since I started feeling well enough after my surgery), it's a huge source of relief from stress for me, and instead fo gaining 70 pounds, like I did with my last pregnancy, I'm lookig at MAYBE 25 this time, what an improvement. I'm concerned about shortening m recovery time from last time as well, with 2 kids, I just have to, especially since one is a monster of a toddler (bless his heart). I'm sure the baby will be the easy part
I got a couple boxes in the mail on Friday, from Mom. She sent them before she got all mad at me for living my life, sent me an email, "I hope you like the stuff, Mom", whatever". I sent her a nice email, thanking her for all the nice things she sent for the kids, how much I loved everything, how thoughtful it was for her to do that, etc. She sent me a forward about the many uses of Vodka in response, nice, huh? I can't make her act like a normal human being, but I won't stoop to her level. I'm grateful for the gifts she sent, so I thanked her, period.
We're busy getting the spare room turned into a sort of baby room (it's temporary since we'll be moving in June). I've been washing baby clothes and organizing. I love this part. Soon I"ll go buy some size one diapers and get all misty eyed over them, good gawd, are those the cutest things ever, or what? We got the new carseat in the mail on Friday as well. I ordered a new one because I really hated Aidan's old one (though it's still good). Just waiting on a couple more things to arrive (my life is all about ordering online here, the base stores are so pitifully stocked, I hardly bother looking, half the time I can't find diaper genie refills).
Ah, I can't wait to live in the states again, just the sheer convenience of it!! Dare I dream of 7-11's? Stores open 24 hours a day? Being able to go to a restaurant that serves more than pizza, pasta, or asian food? Being able to mail my bills, or pay them online, instead of driving to each place every month to pay phone, cable, insurance, etc.? Stores open on SUNDAY?!
Aidan is into everything he can possible inf d a way into at the moment, I should go rescue Zac...