I'm tired, still. Indigo is a great baby, hardly cries, but the nursing and up and down all night are taking thier toll. I'm sleeping in the spare room with her at the moment, but trying to keep her in her own bed so she doesn't get too used to sleeping with me (though she's cuddly and the idea of just letting her snuggle with me instead of putting her in her bed is a very alluring idea). I'm not willing to have a family bed, I need that space to be mine and Zac's, period.
Doctor said I have a bit of tissue in my uterus still, not big enough for a D&C, but big enough that I could continue to bleed a while longer. As long as I don't require another proceedure, well, that's okay with me. I have the big 6 week appointment in a few weeks, I'm so NOT looking forward to that. I thought I'd walk off the examination table on my butt while I was getting the 6 week pap after having Aidan. This time I tore so extensively inside that I'm dreading it all the more.
My mother is calling twice a day again, the good thing is that I was honestly NOT home both times she called today, so no guilt from not talking to her. I"m having a hard time because now when I talk to her, she asks a million questions about Indigo and then proceeds to tell me "oh you NEVER did that", or "oh, you were JUST like that". She did this when I had Aidan too. Anything that seemed a little inconvenient or annoying to her about him, and it was "oh, you NEVER did that", and when he was being good and "ideal" it was, "now you were JUST like that". Time must dull the senses, is there such a thing as a perfect baby? I mean, of course our own children seem "perfect" to each of us, but every living thing has flaws. Anyway, I told her then, and I've told her again that they (Aidan and Indigo) are unique people, and they're NOT me, they do things thier way, and I like that they are unique. What is her deal? It's like she's always trying to find a way to make me seem inferior to her, and I'm not even competing.
Zac goes back to work Monday. I'm hoping he doesn't get a mission and have to leave the country. His co-worker is going to be gone for a month on leave, so there wil be one less person to go if one comes up, making it pretty likely he could go. the good thing is, it's only a few days that he'd be gone, I"m just not feeling very confident with both kids, alone, for days at a time just yet. I know I'll be okay.
Baby is sleeping, I should do the same...
I saw the doc today at the base, I REALLY like her. anyway, asked about my stitches, something just hasn't seemed right to me, I saw my German OB about it a couple weeks ago, but I wasn't entirely impressed with his assurance that everything would heal okay. I was also there to discuss the catheter and getting an MRI. Se put in the order for the MRI, looked at my stitches, and called the chief OB in Heidelberg, who agreed to see me today. The short story is that the catheter should not be removed, but I should still get an MRI, and for the rest of my life, I have to tell my docs it's there, hopefully I never need another epidural again (no more babies!!!). I COULD have some nerve issues at some point, the cath coming into contact with nerves and causing that gross / wierd sensation that happens when you get an epi, the electric feeling in the legs and lower back. As for the stitches, the OB thinks it may heal enough on it's own, but I'm due to go back at the end of April for a follow up, and if I need it, I'm having reconstructive surgery. How vain am I? Reconstructive vagina surgery, lol. Okay, not vain, but self conscious. Apparently, they do this sort of thing quite often for patients who get extensive tears. She told me they can't really do anything about it NOW because the stitches could come out or cause more scar tissue because it's been messed with so much. She wants me to fully heal and THEN we'll see what needs to be done. For now, I"m still relying on my horse pill sized Motrins for pain relief. Heaven help me when my prescription runs out.
My kids are doing great, Aidan is still enamoured with his little sister, I am truly amazed at his tenderness. Indigo is sleeping more and more, which is nice, unfortunately, I"m not, I have a bad habit of trying to get things done when she sleeps instead of resting, or just enjoying the quiet.
Mom is driving me crazy. She told me the other day that she told a family friend the kid's names, and she thought the names were so cool. I said, "that's because they are", I"m ever humble, lol. Anyway, my mother said, "well, I never said anything bad about thier names", hmm, I'd call that selective memory. She actually told us when we told her the name that we should have told her sooner so it would have time to "grow on" her. We purposely didn't tell her because she made a rude comment about the name we were going to use for Aidan, and we changed it because of that. We decided not to spill the beans on Indigo's name because we figured no one would say anything negative about her name if we already gave it to her. No one except my intrusive, tactless mother, that is...
anyway, I gotta get Aidan a bath, he's waiting on me...
I have a good one, my parents never cease to amaze me. So, they had sold the house supposedly, and the first sale fell through. A couple weeks ago my mom said they got another offer on the house and that they accepted it, but they weren't counting on it because of what happened last time. Now, my mom calls every day, sometimes more than once a day. A couple days ago, I get an Easter card in the mail from my parents and at the bottom it says "As of April 10th, our new address will be...", it totally threw me, because they made no mention of it, I even asked my dad about the offer a few days after mom mentioned it to me, and he didn't say a word. So last night they call and I asked about it, and my mom says all offhand, "oh, I didn't say anything? Hmm, must have forgotten", WTF?!? Later on last night, Zac called his mom, and he was telling her about it, and she says, "oh, I got an email about it at least a week ago". My mom doesn't even know my MIL other than a few phone conversations and an email here and there (Zac and I got married at the Justice of the Peace, our families live in seperate states, so they've never met face to face). Anyway, isn't that nice, they don't tell me, but email everyone else to tell THEM.
It's nice and cool here in Germany, I was getting worried that summer was coming soon, but thankfully, it's raining right now. I"m going nuts waiting to get my workout going again, I feel so FAT. I'm not really fat, but definately chunky, and it's not a good look for me. I need to lose weight before the summer or I'll be miserable, I refuse to buy new clothes and all my summer stuff is pre-Aidan pregnancy.
I'm feeling very anxious about all we have to do in the next couple months. We still have no birth certificate for Indigo, and it'll be a few weeks before we actually do, not good news if you ask me. Once we get the German one, we have an appointment at the American Consulate to get the American Report of Birth Abroad, and the passport. It'll take a couple days to get those after we have our appointment. Once that's taken care of, we have to get Zac's orders ammended so Indigo is on them. The crappy part is that we can't do anyhing until we have orders, can't make an apointment for our household goods to be shipped, can't clear anything on base, nada, it's so frustrating, I want to scream. Deep breaths, we will get all this done, we will be okay...
Nadine, my dear, I'm so angry for you, so sad for you, so heartbroken for you. We haven't IMed or written in a while, but I'm sill here, still your friend, still rooting for you, big, long distance hugs...
Just going through the days, i a daze. How did it become Thursday night so fast? I feel like the time is slipping through my fingers, not enough hours in a day, such is life with a toddler and a new baby, at least that's how it is for this mom. I seriously can't complain, I'm doing well, Indigo woke up once out of 9 hours last night, so in the sleep department, it could be a whole lot worse.
Not much to report, Zac ordered my new Explorer a couple days ago. I can't believe I"m getting a new car this year, I"m so psyched. 2004 is shaping up to be a good one in so many ways.
OMF-ingG I have so much to do. I don't even want to think about the sheer number of medicaland dental appointments I've got in the next few weeks. Wait, that reminds me, I need to see an eye doctor too, I lost my glasses, and can't drive without them. Seems everything happens at once.
I took Aidan to the park today, had Indigo in the sling, she slept the whole time, Aidan had a ball running around like a little madman. He needs that, every day. I hate to say that he may be better off in daycare, like he will be when we get to Seattle and I start school. I try, I really do, but he needs even more than I have been able to give him lately, I was so drained through the last month or so of my pregnancy, and since I've had Indigo. I realise that's normal, but he doesn't understand why we're not doing a whole lot. At least for the time being, I'm feeling well, and my energy level is getting back to where it was (thank goodness, I'm so ready to start working out!). I"m taking advantage of it and doing as much for my little guy as I can, he deserves better than he's gotten lately.
We went to a cookout type party at a guy's house from Zac's work on Saturday. Something REALLY scary happened. I was in the livingroom, and Zac walked in, and i asked where Boo was. He said he just checked on him, and that he was drawing int he palyroom. I hadn't seen him in a bit, so I went to say hi to him, an dhe wasn't there. I looked in the yard, not there either, looked all over the house, couldnt' find him. I told Zac and some of the guys went to go walk the neighborhood to see if he got out of the gate. I looked all over the house again, and just as I was starting to lose it, they told me they foud him. he did get out, and walked a good block up the road when a German lady stopped him (she was outside with her friends and thier kids). I was horrified. What if we hadn't been out in the coutry? What if he had gone farther? What if... I completely broke down, told him how badly he scared me. I thinkmy heart stopped. I'm lucky, he was fine.
Hungry baby, that's my cue...
Can I be colpletely selfish for a minute or two? I'm feeling so, blah. W here do the kids and husband end, and I begin? I'm exhausted, my house is a disaster, I haven't shaved my legs in weeks, and I just want 5 minutes to unwind, without a thought in the world for how my family will survive said 5 minutes.
I feed Indigo, I have no time to pump, so anyone else givng her a bottle is out of the question at the moment. Poor Aidan stands there like a little trooper waiting patiently for me to finish feeding his sister for the 4000th time of the day, so I can get him a snack, or he gives up on me and tries to literally climb the cabinets in search of sustinance. Taking a shower is a challenge every day, but I refuse to go without, no matter how short the shower is, I NEED it. Then there's the laundry, and the dishes, which at this moment, seem to be full time jobs in themselves. I swear on my life if my husand asks me what's for dinner one more night this week, I will kill him with my bare hands. He doesn't get why I'm a mess right now, I literally can't remember the littlest things. I forgot to strap Aidan into his carseat yesterday, I had to be reminded, I'm losing my grip due to sleep deprivation. He had the nerve to tell me last week that the reason I'm having memory issues is because for the last 3 years, I haven't been "mentally challenged", as if to say my brain has atrophied. I guess caring for my son and him for the last 3 years isn't stimulating or challenging enough, hmm, like to see him do it for a month.
In my fantasy: I'll come home from "work" (I say this tongue in cheek, he's a professional, he's a great guy, but I'd hardly say he works "hard", his job is a cakewalk), throw my clothes onto the loveseat wihout a thought to who might pick them up. I then ***** about "work". After I *****, I fill Zac in on how my workout went at the gym that day, how much weight I lifted, what lifts I did, how far I ran, etc. I ask what's for dinner while I'm showered with kisses and hugs from Aidan, who is beside himself with joy to see me after I've been gone all day, and hold the baby. I watch TV for a while. At about 10:30, I decide I'm tired, gosh, getting up at 6 to go sit at a desk is rough, I need my sleep (nevermind that Aidan wakes at 8 if I'm lucky, and I go to bed much later than Zac, wait this is my fantasy, he goes to bed later, I get to get a full night's sleep!). I leave Zac up with Indigo to feed her and entertain her until she falls asleep around midnight.
The thing is, I made the decisoin with BOTH kids to sleep in a seperate (from Zac) room with them when they were newborns. I did it with Aidan until he was about 6 weeks, and I'm doing it with Indigo. It's easier for me to feed them, and I figure what's the point of both of us being woken up at night, if we dont' have to be? I'm not trying to prove anything, I don't think I'm supermom, or wife, I just don't know how he could be of any help in the middle of the night when she needs to eat. So, he really is sleeping all night, and isn't getting the whole newborn exhaustion thing. If Aidan gets up, it's all him, I don't deal with Aidan in the middle of the night right now (and it does happen, he does wander out of his room in the middle of the night at times), but it's not the same, he just needs to be put back in bed, it takes less than a minute.
All that being said, it's 12:15, my darling girl has finaly fallen asleep, and I need to soak up every bit of sleep I can...
Mommy to Aidan Storm 10/31/01 and Indigo Rain 3/8/04
I put Indigo int he sling, wrote Zac a note, and took the kis to the park yesterday. I didn't get home until after 6, Zac said he was wondering when and if I'd come home at all. While we were out, Zac vacuumed, cleaned up the table and was washing windows. I was really surprised, and happy, a few less things for me to do, an dit was so nice to wake up and see a cleaner house this morning. He even made dinner last night.
I felt so good after taking Boo to the park yesterday, this has got to be an everyday thing, he is a different kid when he gets that time to run around and just be OUT. I know, it sounds like, "well, duh, of course he does". I've just been so busy, so tired. I"m slowly getting my head above water, slowly learning how to be a mom of two, it's coming together.
On a not so happy note, Zac has a mission all week next week, so that means the kids and I, alone for a week, for the first time. I'm sort of freaked out. I know we'll be fine, I'm just not looking forward to it, it feels like I'm being thrown into the deep end, sink or swim time. The only person I could count on to help me, the only person I had here to call on the phone, to hang out with, is gone, I"m really doing this all alone. I knew it would most likely ahppen while we were still here, that he'd have to go away for a short period, it just sucks. I'm just glad I've got my husband most of the time, he's not deployed, he's here, with me.
Yesterday Zac and I were all over each other in the kitchen (still non-sexual, my poor nether regions), practiaclly making out and he says, "Isn't it great that we're still so in love?", ahh, I think I melted. He left for the UK today, he called, told me he got there safe. I laid in our bed while the kids had naps today, I could still smell him on the pillow, I miss him like crazy already.
Well, bedtime bath routine for the kids was... interesting tonight. I'm exhausted. I think it took me twice as long. Poor Indigo was wailing as I was trying to bathe Aidan, get his pj's on, read him a story. What else could I do? I had to get him to bed, I couldn't hold her at the same time, it was so frustrating, and I felt horrible. Then it was her turn, and baby girl still hates being messed with, still cries during about 50% of her diaper changes, so baths are a nightmare. I used to feed Aidan before his bath at night, then lay him down right away, with her, I have to nurse her after the bath to calm her down, she gets so upset.
My parents called, my mother was trying to get my dad to go to church. Let me just say, I've only seen my father in a church a couple times in my life, a funeral or wedding was the occasion, not a Sunday sermon, it's not his style. They used to go to this flea market on Sundays and called it "church", how very white trash of them. I assumed that's what she meant when she said church, and I said "oh, going to the flea market?" and she actually acted offended, whatever . Now that she lives in Vancouver, by her best friend, she thinks she has to go to her church, AND drag my father along. Who the hell does she think she is? Seriously, she's been shoving religion down my throat for ages, and I've already told her I've got my own path, and it's not Christianity, so stop trying to "save" me. Plus, she hasn't been to a church service in about 15 years, so why NOW, it seems so phony. She made some comment that my dad no going made her just like her mother and that she thinks it's just not right. What does THAT mean? Grandpa has been dead 8 years. I am so perplexed by her, truly.
Well, it's late, I should go to bed, or I'll regret it, another 4 days of this, I want to pass out just thinking about it. It will get easier, it will get easier, it will get easier...
Well, it's not getting easier, but I'm surviving.
Indigo has a really bad rash on her face & ears, no idea what it is, and it's not going away at all. Looks like an eczema breakout. poor baby girl. I need to make an appointment with the doc for her, it needs to be checked. I hope she doesn't have eczema too, I hate that Aidan does.
I think I broke my toe today. Nope, not being dramatic, I really think I broke it. I was handing Aidan his juice this morning, and he didn't grab on tight enough andit fell right on my middle toe, the little skinny one. I have no idea how I missed all the other toes, but I did. Anyway, it's all black and blue and hurts like hell, I'm definately hobbling around a bit. Damn it, I don't need this!!! I was seriously starting the cross trainer TODAY, and I can't even bear the thought of putting on shoes right now, it hurts so bad. I hope it feels better in a couple days, I need to get my fat *** on the cross trainer. I'm doing a little lifting routine and a few floor exercises, but it's just not enough, I NEED cardio.
Aidan is a total monster, he's trying me at every turn. I realised I started a bad habit of asking him several times (or telling him) to do something before I act on it and MAKE him do it, Zac does the same thing with him. I'm paying for that now. Now I'm getting up and making him do things the first time, I'm hoping he'll get that I'm serious and want him to listen the first time, but I'm really frustrated and this is exhausting me (he gets all the sleep he wants, so he's one up on me there). Oh, isn't two fun? I keep telling myself to hang onto my hat, I hear three and four are worse, is that possible?!? Today alone, he's probably taken out 5 pairs of socks and put them on, and decided he wanted a new pair. I guess I don't have enough to do, he's making more laundry for me.
Mommy is tired, mommy would like to give her two weeks notice, but well, that wouldn't be very mommy-like, now, would it? Guess I have no choice but to hang in there...
I've been thinking about something a lot lately, getting my pilot's license. Seriously, I've always wanted to learn how to fly, and I have a friend up in Washington that has his license and is working on his commercial license. I can use my GI Bill for it, and massage school will only use up about 1/4 of my money. I can get some really great advice from my friend, too. I'm really excited about this, it's a dream of mine, and I just don't see any reaon why I shouldn't persue it, I've got the money there, and once I'm done with massage school, and the certification tests, I'll have accomplished what I need to go ahead with my career. Don't get me wrong, I plan on continuing my education as much as possible on the side in regaurds to massage, there is ALWAYS some new technique or aspect to learn, another way to help make me better informend and well rounded. I'm still not entirely sure I want to write off getting at least an associates or something in business, I could use those classes, I'd really like to have my own business someday, work for myself, hopefully employ some people myself. I've been giving all of this a lot of though. I have allowed myself to be discouraged, upset that I've put off ME for so long (but really, getting married and having my babies helped me grow as a person, immeasureably). I get in this mindset that I'm already 29, that I'll be 30 when I start massage school, but I need to think that I'm ONLY 29. I wasn't handed a thing, all I am, I did for myself, by myself. My parents didn't give me money for school, they didn't even point me in the direction of school, I found a way to finance it. It took me longer than a lot of people to get started, and that's a bit hard, no matter how I look at it, but now, at this point in my life, I"m sure of myself, I know what I want, the person I want to continue to grow to be, and that brings me a great amount of peace.
Zac comes home today, I feel relieved and happy. I know Aidan will be ecstatic to see him. I'm just glad this week is almost over, and I get my honey home.