I"m frustrated, I"m feeling gigantic, I"m wanting to burst into tears every time I hav to put clothes on. I started running Sunday moring at o'dark thirty. It's exhausting, it's really hard, but i need to stick to it. I'm also starting the cross trainer in the evenings, after Zac gets home. I need HELP. I"m totally addicted to carbs, and I need to go through my house and throw out every single piece of candy I can find.
I'm 5'7" and I weigh 170 pounds, someone shoot me. Zac keeps saying, "you just had a baby", this is, of course, no comfort to me. I"m horrfied at how bad I look. I worked my ass off while pg this last time, thinking it would help me bounce back faster, but I just don't see it. I know what I look like at 140 pounds, I look great, I"m a size 7 or 8 in the "little" stores (Express, American Eagle, Gap, Old Navy, you know, all the little cute stores), I wear a size 6 dress at that weight. Please, gawd, let me get there, and fast. This isn't postpartum depression, this is "I'm FAT" depression.
So, if I write it, I can't deny it, and I will stick to it. I will not eat junk food from this day forward, I will eat fruit when I'm needing sweets. Whole foods are hard to come by here, but I swear I'll do my best to eat the very best I can. I will exercise 6 days a week, first thing in the morning, and I will work my way up to working out twice daily, starting immediately (running in the AM, cross trainer before dinner). I wil not allow myself to have the attitude that I will eat one more fattening thing and THEN I'll be good, or I'll take a couple days off from my routine, and THEN be good, I will stick to this because it means a lot to me, and ultimately, it's me that pays the price of cheating.
Oh, Goddess, give me the strength, you now I"ll need it!!!
It's Friday, this week, I have gone running 5 mornings (I took a break Wednesday, my shins were killing me). Zac moved my cross trainer to our room so I can get on it when the baby is sleeping, or after he's home from work (this just happened yesterday). All I know is, I'm ready, bring it on!! I've been pushing through sleepiness, first day pains, and wanting to quit. I"m doing well, I'm proud of me. I have been eating well, and with all the snacks and things in the house, this is no small feat. I will push forward, because I want this so badly, I refuse to let myself make excuses.
I went to the gynecologist at Heidelberg on Wednesday. I will get some resonstructive surgery, but not until I've weaned Indigo. We're talking late this year at the earliest, I'm thinking after the first of the year. Two gynecologists thought things would heal the right way, I never thought so, but hoped, unfortunately I was right. So, when I get to Washington, I need to see another doctor and hopefully get referred to Madigan at the Army base (it's a really good hospital, actually).
Saw the dentist yesterday, and I"m kicking myself for not going in sooner. Turns out I could have gotten FREE porcelain veneers over here, damn. The thing is, have really nice teeth, I just have one tooth that has a chip that should be repaired (we're getting that done later this month, I couldn't get in any sonner, WTF?). The doctor said if i got one veneer, it would probably be obvious, so I'd need probably 4 or more, good gawd, those things cost upwards of 600 a tooth! I decided to get the chip bonded (I have other bondings), I just want it done. I now need to research our options for dental insurance. Here in Europe, it's all covered, back in the states, it's not.
The kids are doing so well. Indigo sleeps from about 9:30 until 5:30. Eight hours frmoa breastfed baby is a miracle, and I"ve been blessed with that miracle TWICE. I love when people who know I've got a new baby ask me with a tinge of glee on thier faces if I"m tired. I simply respond "no, I"m sleeping great!". Wipes the smug little smiles right off thier faces, lol. Why do other parents, other moms, find joy in thinking that a new mom isn't getting any sleep?
Well, I've got to find my keys, I left them within reach of Aidan, and now they've gone missing, great. He's not giving up any information either, little shit
I saw the eye doctor today, and for the first time in my life, I got contacts. It feels wierd to be 29 getting my first set of contacts. the cool thing is, my prescription hasn't changed in the 5 years since I've last had an exam (shame on me for not seeing an eye doctor once a year), or during pregnancy. Contacts are crazy, I"m sure anyone that wears contacts will think I"m a goofball, but it's like magic. I HATE having glasses on my face for so many reasons, the contacts are just what I never knew I always wanted :D.
I"m feeling really mixed emotionally lately. It almost feels like anxiety. We have so much going on the stress is starting to get to me (I really need to use more exercise as an outlet for it all, I know I"d feel better on so many levels). I've been really short with Aidan lately, not so patient, not very understanding. I vow to pull my head out of my butt and give him the patience he deserves, immediately. I'm sure being 2 and a half is hard enough. I can't go back and not get snippy when he fell in the mud, or didn't listen to me and went off to play after I told him to stay by me in the store, or just didn't get into his car seat fast enough. I CAN promise myself that I will learn more patience with every passing day for my children, myself. Being a mom is such a roller coaster. On one hand, an immeasureable joy, finding light and happiness in the little things, the simple things. On the other, it's such a hard learning experience. Some days I"m just disappointed in me, some days I make a decision about something and then look back at it later on and see I've made a big mistake. I DID NOT have a good role model for what to do, I'm finding my way in the dark, and it scares the hell out of me, because no parent is perfect, and I don't want my mistakes to haunt me. I have no greater gift in my life than my family, my husband and my children, and knowing how I was brought up, watching my own parents marriage, it scares me to know that I never saw a good example while I was growing up of a parent, or of a loving marriage. I can't afford to screw any of this up. When I look into the faces of my small children, some part of me knows everything will be okay, I will always do right by them, MY family will be a success.
I'm feeling quite uneasy about going to stay for 7 weeks with my inlaws. I"m scared, I don't want anyone to resent me, I don't want any of Zac's siblings to think we're sponging off them (I will be paying for all of our expenses while there). I also know I'll miss my privacy, you give up some level of privacy when you stay in someone else's home, it's unavoidable. I just want this to bring my children and myself closer to that part of the family, not drive a wedge between us, I"m, again, afraid to make a misstep.
Things feel complicated, it all makes me feel sick.
I feel a *little* better. I talked to Zac this morning about a couple things, sort of let him know where my heart is. We're both reasonable people, we communicate well with each other. I'm just feeling so lost right now. I feel like I'm drowning in the midst of this family. I love them dearly, but I feel like I'm losing myself again. I felt this way after Aidan was born, just trying to find my footing as a new mom was really hard for me, now I"m finding my normal all over again with a new baby.
I feel resentful when Zac does anything on his own like golfing or actually going to the gym, because I"m too pinned down with nursing to do anything like that. This isn't ME, I don't get jealous, I don't normally feel resentful, I"m not the kind of wife that feels she needs to give her husband permission to do anything. I just feel like I'm always taking care of someone else, but not ME. I need sleep, I need rest, but I'm up 2 hours before I have to be, running, because I know if I don't do it then, I won't find the time to do it later in the day. I take a minute here and there to do my little lifting routine, and crunches, but whatever I do is worked around my kids' needs. I could sit here and daydream about what it would be like to just go to the gym and work on ME for even one hour, and not worry about my kids. I don't rmember what it's like to sit down to a meal and eat liesurely like I once did. I usually have to either eat fast or end up leaving half a plate of food behind so I can nurse Indigo.
And I say all this, and I feel guilty for wanting more for myself. I know how lucky I am to have all I do, to have a husband that loves me and treats me amazingly well, to have two beautiful, healthy children, what right do I have to complain about anything? I'm not ungrateful, I'm not blind to how full my life is, I just feel like something is missing, some part of me is missing.
Let me out of this body!!! I am killing myself fighting to get thinner, and I"m disgustingly impatient. Three weeks, and I've lost 1.5 inches off my waist and .5 inch off each thigh, no double chin anymore, okay, progress. I'm just feel so friggin fat, disgusting. Been running for two weeks now, and started the cross trainer in addition to that yesterday. I"m going to do this damn it, I will not spend a summer in fat clothes that make me feel hot and uncomfortable.
We have airplane tickets booked for the 9th of June, and pack out our house on the 3rd and 4th, I'm so excited!! Four weeks to go. We just have to book our rental car for the week that Zac is spending with the kids and I in Michigan (it's cheaper to drive from Chicago to his parents than it is to pay for all of us to fly, so we're going this route, since it's less than a 4 hour drive.
Still need to work out the financing with the bank for the Explorer. We have a couple things to pay off, and get our down payment together, but that should only take a couple more weeks to get squared away. I'm so glad we're buying new, so glad to have the 7 year bumper to bumper warranty. I need this piece of mind with the two kids, I need to know we have a reliable vehicle. We have absolutely horrid luck with used cars (except the Jeep, knock on wood), neither of us are mechanically inclined, and let's face it, car repairs are expensive. Who can afford to be without a vehicle when they have 2 kids?
Still feeling like emotional crap lately. I"m fighting it with exercise, I'm just having a hard time right now, my life is in utter chaos. Hey, at least my mother isn't calling every day at the moment, that counts for something...
Guess what? The guy we bought the Jeep from, LOST THE TITLE!!! I want to scream! He told Zac like over a month ago that the thing finally arrived (we paid off the loan on the Jeep, he went with Zac to get it registered in our names, the the bank sent him the clear title, all he had to do was sign it and hand it over). Well, yesterday he tells Zac he's looked all over for it and can't find it. Now, this would be all well and good, you know, if this were a normal situation, but we leave in 4 weeks, and they leave BEFORE we do. It takes 4-6 weeks to get a copy of the title from the company, ACK!!! What the hell do we do now? Why can't ONE thing go smoothly in this f-ing country?!?!
I"m stressing about the Explorer, the money is going to be so tight, and Zac for some reason thinks it's either the Explorer or we won't have a second car, WTF?! No, it's the Explorer, and a few thousand in savings, OR we get the 15,000 loan we've been preapproved for through my credit union in WA, get something cheaper, and have over 10,000 extra in savings. The second option sounds so much better to me, I HATE HATE HATE worrying about money, nothing scares me more. Zac doesn't worry about the money, he's like the happy idiot (no, I don't think my husband is an idiot, I just mean, ignorance is bliss), I handle the finances because he's so brutally horrible with them that we'd be in the poor house in 5 minutes if he did. I say we can or can't afford things, he goes along with it. We CAN affod the Explorer, but I sort of don't WANT to afford it, it ust makes things tighter than they have to be, and with me starting school next year, and puttng 2 kids into daycare, we're living off his income alone for a while. I"m seriously thinking of shitbagging my idea of school and thinkig about getting a job instead to save up for a little longer, until AIdn is in school. It's 900 a month to put both kids in daycare, and that's CHEAP. Damn it, I'm tired of putting me on hold, don't I deserve to get started on my path to a career I want, or did I give up that option when I decided to be a wife to a military man, and a mom? It doesn't feel like anyone else is on hold, like anyone else is giving anything up. I hate to grow resentful, but it's starting, I"m drowning...
Someone put me out of my misery...
Well, Zac left this morning for the Netherlands. There was a 1 in 17 chance he'd have to go, and well, that's just my luck with small odds. There goes my morning run today and tomorrow, damn. I"m still doing the cross trainer too, so I guess I'll just have to hit it extra hard today and tomorrow. I"m getting really inthe zone again with my workouts. That feeling that I want to work out, instead of the begining stages of making myself just get up and do it. If I miss a day, I feel extreme guilt that's just not worth the small amount of rest. I"m eating better, feeling better. Don't get me wrong, I'm still feeling huge, but I know I"m on the right track. The motivation lies at the bottom of my closet in a very neat stack. To wear those summer clothes again and look good in them is all the reward I need.
I"m fighting to find patience with Aidan, some days are harder than others. I"m constantly reminding myself he's justa 2 and a half year old little boy. His mind doesn't work like mine does, he has his own agenda, and to him, I"m always in the way of doing all those fun naughty things he wants to do. I"m trying to find the balance between letting him explore, learn and quench his curiosity, and keeing him safe, my house in something other than a total state of disaster, and maintaining my sanity. I never thought I'd say this, but if I had a nickle for every time I've said no to that child, I'd be a very rich woman.
We only have a little more than 3 weeks in this stupid ass apartment. Good riddance to this pit. We have the dates squared away, we have our reservations at billeting, we even have the ship date for the Jeep. Still need to schedule cleaners for the apartment and an environmental cleaning of the Jeep (cars have to be meticulously clean to ship back home, the whole undercarriage has to almost be clean enough to eat off of). I still haven'thad an MRI, need to get my films done before we leave. Still trying to figure out where we'll get Indigo's 4 month shots since we'll be in Michigan, not near a military treatment facility (we'll have a 25% co-pay if I go to a regular doctor that takes Tricare, if the doctor doesn't take Tricare, I may have to pay up front and get reimursed by Tricare later, not my favorite option). Did I mention I hate Tricare?
Mom and Dad are planning to come get the kids and I from SeaTac in August when we fly in. Zac should be a couple days behind us, pick us up in Portland, and we'l all drive back up to the SeaTac area do start house hunting, job hunting (for me), setting up daycare, household goods delivery, etc. This is one busy year...
Aidan is standing int he kitchen saying "eat, eat, eat, EAT!!" Guess that's my cue.
Feeling very weak today. I took a nap when the kids did today, I haven't done that in weeks (regular exercise usually gives me so much energy, I don't nap at all). I called Zac at work and told him to please bring Aidan home some diner, I just couldn't do it tonight (and he's got a unit dinner so it's just the kids and I tonight). I HATE feeling like this, I just want to sit around and do nothing, I feel dizzy and just plain miserable. Hope I'm not coming down with something.
On the upside, I weighed myself this morning, and the scale said I lost three pounds, whoa! I'm really happy about that, I've been working my butt off, all the exercise, eating better, etc. Ideally, I'd lose at least another 15 pounds before we left, but 15 pounds in 3 weeks is a tad too optimistic, lol. I feel confident that I can pack all my summer clothes though, I think I'll be in them before I know it.
Still feeling sort of depressed and overwhelmed. Looking for a job online, hoping something pans out for me and that i can start work pretty quickly ater we relocate. I need to be out of the house, I need to be bringing in money. We can afford for met to stay home, but I need to get out, and we'd be a lot more comfortable if I was working. I need to talk to one of the reserve recruiters at McChord, and feel out all my options. I would love to wear the uniform again, and ideally, learn a new skill, get into a new career field (something with a civilian countrpart). If not, there's always my other choices of not so serious jobs including Home Depot, Nordstrom, Starbucks or a book store (I would LOVE to work in a book store!!!).
Feel better, a little anyway. I have loads of laundry to do, but can't. I HATE this f-ing apartment!!! How the hell do they expect people to live like this? I have to go into the basement (I"m on the second floor) to do my laundry. I have a 2 month old and a toddler. Can't figure out a way to take them both with me and manage to carry the laundry down, so I'm stuck either waiting until they're both napping, or waiting until Zac gets home. I will NEVER live in another place where I don't have my own washer and dryer, this is friggin ridiculous.
Right now I"m feeling VERY frustrated with Aidan, he's two and a half years old, and he isn't showing any interest in potty training. This is becoming a uge problem because a., I have to change Indigo about 45 times a day, b., I've gotten so used to breastfed baby poop, that toddler poop is highly toxic, c., I'm getting increasingly frustrated that Aidan KNOWS he has to poop, asks for a NEW diaper, poops in it, and then immediately wants to be changed. COME ON!!! How do I get him to ask to go in the potty instead of going to the trouble of getting a new diaper, pooping in it, and wanting to be changed? Why are toddlers so illogical?!?! I've tried putting the potty in the area he's playing in, hoping he'd start at least sitting on it, but no, nothing. He even has big boy underwear that he cries about wanting to wear (that's sort of the point), and I explained that he can't wear them until he goes pee and poop in the potty. He throws a huge fit, begs and cries, and then he forgets about it until the next time...
The guy we bought the Jeep from is having the title mailed to him in the states, is going to get it signed and notarized at legal, and then is going to send it to us in Michigan. Okay, in theory, that sounds great, but he already lost one title in less than a week of having it in his possesion, and the guy can't even remember to make a simple phone call. When the Jeep had to be re-registered, he waited until literally the day it had to be done to go get the inspection. I just don't think this is going to play out so simply.
One good thing, it's a beautiful day out, and my child desperately needs to get out and run around.
We have started the biggest TO DO list ever. It's taped to my cupboard, the damn thing stares me down every time I walk by. So much to do!! Zac is working half days until Wednesday, then he should be done for good. I ordered a nice set of suitcases, and the dumb ass company shipped me ONE suitcase, not the brand I ordered even, I was so mad. The worst part is that it took over a month to get here. I called the company, I have to mail it back insured and registered, then fax them a copy of the postage reciept and tracking number. When they get it, I"ll be credited for the 250 bucks I spent (even though the suitcase I recieved is probably only worth about 75 dollars). How stupid!!! I have to wait another month+ for my money back, they should pay my credit card interest since I'm not even getting what I ordered. It's too late to reorder since we leave in 3 and a half weeks. So, Saturday, we went and bought suitcases, Zac has to go pick them up today (there wasn't enough room in our car with the kids and I and the suitcases, so he has to go back).
I have no idea what to pack. I"m about 20 pounds from fitting into a lot of my thinner clothes, which means I pretty much have to pack both fat and thin clothes. The weight is starting to come off ( I LOOK different already, I just don't weigh a heck of a lot less, but thats' how it usually goes for me, the wieght will come off next). I"m still kicking myself for not losing the weight after Aidan before I got pregnant with Indigo, heck, I"m kicking myself for ever gaining 70 pounds with Aidan in the first place, what the hell was I thinking? I've lost all but about 4 pounds of the Indigo weight, but I was still a bit chubby when I got pregnant with her. I shouldn't complain, I'm not honest to goodness fat. I"m just one of those people that can't stand being even a *little* overweight, it makes me feel like garbage, constantly. I almost obsess about it, and it makes me feel depressed, I don't even want to leave my house. I feel in my own head I'm too fat to be seen in public, but in reality, I know to almost anyone, I don't look fat at all. Call it distorted body image.
Aidan had a really good day yesterday, I love days like that. Some days I feel so exhausted and he's so bad sometimes, to the point I almost can't stand him. I hate those days, I want to enjoy what a special little kid I have, every single day. I feel like a complete jerk for even admitting I feel that way sometimes, I wonder at times if other moms feel the same way I do about thier own kids, but just won't admit it out loud. Being a mom is, for me, the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. The self doubt is miserable, the feeling of wanting to just go crawl under the covers and cry uncle after a particularly hard day with a toddler. At the same time, it's the best thing I"ve ever done, having my kids, learning to be a mom, a parent. It's the biggest joy of my life, the most humbling, amazing, rewarding experience, and I'm so thankful for every single second I have with them, even the not so good ones...
So, we had our pre-inspection with housing yesterday. Aside from me wanting to rip that little housing bitch a new one, it went fine. We have to remove the old caulking in the bathroom before we leave, how stupid is that? When we moved in, there was a water damage stain on the bathroom cieling, which has gotten worse because the neighbors upstairs have a leak somewhere that has never been fixed. WE have to sand the walls, which by the way will do no good, it's all the way through that walls, it's WA-TER DA-MAGE. She said we have to try to clean it off, but if we can't, okay. Thanks, bitch. We have to sand the walls anywhere there is a little mark, not a dent, I mean a little dark mark of any kind. The thought makes my teeth hurt, sand paper on painted walls, eww. They have to paint between tenants anyway, so WHY am I wasting my time? We don't have to remove the nails or screws from the walls, but we have to sand them, uh, okay. the refrigerator which has to be replaced due to a broken seal (not our fault either, BTW, it was on OUR list of preexisting damages) has to be thoroughly cleaned when we leave, WHY? I understand defrosting, and a quick cleaning, but they are junking it, gotta make sure the garbage pile is neat and tidy :roll: .
The "inspector" shows up to my house in jeans, a few sizes too small, a ripped hoochie shirt, and come fuck me pumps, very professional. I was clearly impressed with the civilian hiring system at the Army base.
To top off my day, Zac and I had the world's stupidest fight, it went something like this:
Zac: I feel ike you're not doing anything for the move
Me: Really? I cleaned the oven out yesterday, woke up this morning
and cleaned the entire apartment by myself while taking care of the
two kids for the inspection today, I gave away half my books and
I've been going through my and the kids' clothes.
Zac: I feel like "we" could be doing more.
ME: (humoring him), Okay, like what? Just tell me, we'll start on
it right away.
Zac: I don't know, I just feel like we should be doing SOMETHING.
ME: Okay Zac, (I'm looking at the TO DO list) I can't do this, this,
this, this, this, these are things YOU have to do.
Zac: Yes, but you hardly even helped write that list in the first
place, we need more ideas.
ME (I count, I've written down literally one more thing than Zac
has, lol): Really? That's my handwriting! This is ridiculous, if
there's something you want me to do, then let's do it, if not, SHUT
UP! I can't do most of the things we NEED to do until our stuff is
packed out in 2 weeks, so quit freaking out. What do you want me to
do, pack my suitcase NOW so I can start living out of that early?
Is living out of a suitcase for 3 months not long enough for you?
Would that make you feel better?
Zac: Okay, nevermind.
In retrospect, funny, at the moment, NOT funny. What the hell was that all about? I was holding the baby on my hip at the time too, how dare I not be doing something in addition to caring for the kids every waking second. I"m going to love going back to work, can't wait to even out this playing field a bit more. This'll be ME: "Oh, you went to WORK today, con-grat-u-f*ck-ing-lations, so did I. Guess what, I physically did more than sit on my ass at a desk today too, you LOSE, now go make dinner and quit your bitching!" :neener: You know, Zac is a very sweet, good man, but damn it, sometimes, he loses his sense...
I'm on the verge of...everything, something, nothing. That's how I feel. I feel in charge and out of control. I feel safe and I feel scared and exposed. I feel happiness, joy, elation, and I feel sadness creeping into every pore. I'm getting more comfortable being me, and I want out of this skin. I'm a walking contradiction, where is my balance?
Yesterday Zac described as "The worst day Aidan's ever had in his whole life", I couldn't agree more. Screaming, raging, tanrums built to bring the house down. It was one of those days you fight to keep control, one of those days you want to beat your head against a wall. I"m pretty sure he hasn't gotten much good sleep lately. I called the hospital this week about his eczema, and they said that "those types of appointments are scheduled a week out". My child is so miserable he's losing sleep, crying for me to do something, and nothing I do seems to help. I"m angry they expect him to just deal with it for a week, he's really and truly miserable. I hate the military doctors, I'm debating taking myself and the kids to Tricare Standard so we all use a civilian doctor and just do co-pays like most of the rest of the world. I may get really lucky and we'll be on Tricare remote, which means civilian doctors, but I don't think there are co-pays, we'll see. One problem, I need to get reconstructive surgery on my nether regions and the sad fact is, I"ll have to go the military hospital route to get that done for free. There is a slight chance I can get it fixed with regular insurance since it's a result of childbirth, but like I said, we'll see. I am thankful for one thing, I'm not in any more pain than I was after having Aidan, so it's not causing me extra pain, that's a huge relief.
My eyes are all dry and tired, I have to get off the computer, more later...
So I bought this magazine because it has a pattern for a dress in it I want to make several times over for Indigo and the other little girls in the family (okay, it's Marth Stewart, I'm so embarassed :oops: , but damn it, she has the best friggin ideas, makes me ill, that woman!), and now it's missing. Oh how I just LOVE moving!! I'm losing everything, including my mind.
We went and picked up our contact lens prescriptions today, bought my MIL a friggin awesome sewing machine with a walking foot (it's a fancy schmancy thing, damn, wish my machine had one too!), got a couple DVDs and ate lunch. We were all over the place. Anyway, we have so much to do at the base(s) before we leave, I"m still quite overwhelmed. I hope my MIL likes her machine, it's a Pfaff (they're high end machines), and we can get them at ridiculously low prices over here. We asked her a while back if she'd like one, and she said she couldnt' afford it right now so she'd have to pass. Well, they're letting me and the kids stay with them for 2 months, and we didn't want her to miss out on a deal like this, so we decided to just buy it for her as a gift. I'm so excited to give it to her (she has no idea, we're just sending it over).
Spent a couple hours outside with Boo today, that was so nice. I love hanging out with him. He is such a boy, he is really in his element outdoors. He is going to love Michigan and Washington.
So, I'm stressed, really, realy stressed. If I wrote a list of what I DON'T need to do, it would be shorter than the one I DO need to do. I'm al anxious about the 10 hour plane trip with the babies, then the airport scramble including getting our 6 bags, a pak n play and 2 carseats, heading over o get our rental car, getting all our crap into the rental and driving 4+ hours to the ILs house. Have we completely lost our minds?
The whole plane and automobile trip is so complicated, it's painful just to think about it. I will not move overseas again, I will not move overseas again!!!
Aidan decided to REALLY take off in the language department, he never shuts up now. See, I knew this would be the case, blah, balh, blah. Zac showed him a one dollar bill he had in his pocket earlier and he said, "Money, thanks!!", like how he just assumes it's his dollar, since he spied it, little turkey. He also thinks it's endlessly funny to say ,"aw, nuts!"
Talked to my parents last night. My mom is so in love with the kids, can't get enough of them, talks to Aidan forever on the phone, with hardly any response, and loves every second of it (I'd hang up or something long before she does). My dad acts like he doesn't like Aidan, still. He made some comment insinuating that little boys are inferior, and it just pissed me off. They are BOTH my kids, the boy, and the girl, and I love them both with all of me. To hell with him, why would he say something so hurtful? I don't even want to go to visit them before we go to WA, but now I feel obligated, I feel stuck. I could stay with Martin and Linda, but that would cause WWIII, SHIIIIIITTTT! Part of this is that my parents house in all likelihood will not be completed by the time we get there, qnd they are living in an apartment. There isn't room for us, but because of my moter and her manipulative passive aggressive emotional incest crap, I'm going to have to stay with them and the three of us (my kids and I ) will be miserable. What the hell do I do? Why have my parents been so good at making me feel guilty my whole life? As long as my plans mesh with thiers, it's all good, when I step outside of that ideal, whoa, then I"m in trouble. I'm so sick of it, and yet, I know I can't deal with the fallout on my own with my two babies right there, while my husband drives cross country. I have so much on my plate, not that anyone gives a shit, they're all out for themselves.
As for Indigo, she's such a little ray of light. She smiles all the time, laughs, coos. I can't get enough of her. i find that I lay her down for bed at night, and I miss her, I lay her down for a nap, and I miss her. She's so fun, she's so amazing, I love watching my children grow.
Never thought I'd want more than 2 bagbies, not after this last pregnancy and the havoc it wreaked on my body, but I want another one. I feel like we're supposed to have one more. Zac won't even entertain the idea at this point, but he's also not going to get snipped anytime soon either. He's freaked out that I want another one so soon. It feels like we did what we said we would, had our babies here, now I'll be going to school and getting my career started. The family seems small though, just a little too small. Yo'd think my husband, the oldest of 7 would understand that!
I have to quit procrasinating and get some much needed work done, ugh...
I'm in Michigan!!! I've been here for going on 4 weeks now, but who's counting? I've been busy, busy, busy. Both my SIL's had thier new babies, and my MIL's sheep even had a baby, all of them, girls :).
Aidan has had the langage explosion to beat all langage explosions, OMG, he is chatterbox man. Indigo is a pro at rolling over and she is honestly the most social baby I've ever been around (and I'm not saying that because she's mine). She babbles constantly, and if you talk back, all the better, no one likes to talk to themselves, she really gets going then.
We got her ears pierced a few days after we got here, she screamed for a few mntes and then forgot about them entirely. I love the way baby girls look with pierced ears. We're still nursing exclusively and that is going very well. I"m not experiencing the pain and engorgement issues I did with Aidan, bonus. I am leaking like crazy though and wold love to see the day I don't have to wear nursing pads, ugh!!!
Believe it or not, life here is pretty darn entertaining, and I"m having a good time living with the IL's. There is lots of wide open space and plenty of cousins for Aidan to enjoy, he'll never want to leave.
Zac comes back in about 4 weeks, i miss him a lot, but really, 7 weeks is nothing compared to what most military wives have to deal with. I"m guaranteed to have my husband with us for the next 3, most likely 4 years without deployment, not many people can say that in my position. Zac got promoted officially on July 1st, we're so proud of him. He's already got his sghts on the next stripe, but that's Zac, he's very driven.
I'm out of time, and it's time to get outdoors and play the day away with the kids...
Have ou ever wanted to scream, really, really, loud? Ever wanted to tell someone off, but they were unreachable by phone? Welcome to my world. I'm an independent woman, I don't tell anyone what to do, and i don't get told what to do. Every woman, regaurdless of how "cool" she is, has a limit, i reached mine last night.
Zac's been in San Antonio for almost a month now. When he left, we thought he'd be staying on base and making a measley 7 bucks a day, well, he got lucky, is staying off base and is getting 49 dollars a day. This is an opportunity to save a whole lot of money. He says he has a small refrigerator and a microwave, if you ask me, the options are limited, but there is still quite a bit he can eat and not spend much money. He has eaten out or ordered in EVERY SINGLE NIGHT he's been there. WTF is THAT all about? He's not even trying. Add to that that he has been going out at least once every weekend to the club or whatever with other people from the school. Over the holiday weekend, they went to Six Flags one day too. All of that is okay, I'm not thrilled, but I'm not mad either. Well, yesterday he calls and sayys he needs a hundred dollars from our savings. I immediately think he's going to go get some more summer clotheswith it since he hardly has any and it's OMF-ing G hot down there. He says it's to eat out and that they're going to the club. Wait just a friggin minute, back up, NO!!!! He can go down there and blow that money (which isn't even necissary, he could bring back a couple thousand if he watched it a bit), but I'll be damned if he's going to dip ino our savings so he can eat out and go clubbing!! I've been telling Aidan all week he can't have pizza until tonight (I only get pizza once a week or every other week because I can feed us cheaper than that, and I want to save more money), and his father is down in Texas living it up, that pissed me off. So then we get off te phone, he sas nevermind on the money, forget it.
This morning, I'm going to my online accounting and there's a withdrawl last night for 70 dollars!!! I called him up at his hotel, guess what, he's not there. I left a message that I need to be called ASAP. The part that pisses me off the most is that I talked to him this morning and he didn't mention it, like I wouldn't find out or something.
He KNOWs how I feel about money. He knows we've got a lot to pay for in the near future, and he does that? I want to fly down there just to smack him. Unvelieveable.
I love my husband, but he's acting like an ass. He needs a reality check in the worst way. While I sithere with a 2.5 year old and a 4 month old, he's off acting like a college boy. F*!K him...
Hmm, being mad and typing on a keyboard smaller than you're used to isn't a good mix, just see my last post :roll: .
I talked to Zac, well, I yelled first, then we talked. He sas he doesn't remember saying he wasn't taking money out, well, not until I mentioned it really, really, loud. Anyway, we had a long talk and he's going to spend smarter, he said he thought about it, and decided I was right, gosh, I love how that happens. Anyway, for now, all is well in that whole area.
It's a hot one here today, humid anyway. I took the cover off the pool, decided it was too hot to just lay on the deck, and realised, oops, my bathing suit is in the room Aidan is napping in, and I wanted quiet more than a dip in the pool. Better luck tomorrow. He had a really good afternoon playing with his cousins. ndigo hada rough afternoon. That poor girl is having tummy issues, they're getting better, but she's miserable in the heat. I did my best to keep her cool. I knew nursing in the heat would SUCK (no a/c at the IL's). Ever sat on a leather couch in shorts? Well, it's sortof like that, sicky, and when you seperate, you're stuck together by a sweaty film, bleh. It's worth it though, it really is.
Today is like any other, I madeit through, we're all healthy and happy and when it all boils down, what more can you ask for?
I"m in Washington!!! We have a house, we have a huge back yard, we have all our stuff, including two vehicles. Our household goods were delivered on Thursday last week, we're still surrounded by boxes. All this "stuff" used to make a whole lot of sense, it used to seem important enough for me to have it shipped overseas, right? Now I look at some of it and think to myself, WHY, Alicia, WHYYY?
Aidan is adapting well, as usual, the kid is so resilient, he just goes with the flow. We got him a new full size bed and his room and Indigo's are at LEAST all the way finished (even if the rest of the house is in chaos, they have thier own spaces, and I"m happy about that). Indigo has regressed to a newborn's sleeping pattern. She's up all day, and up every 3 hours at night to feed. I"m exhausted. With everything else going on, she's really making life a whole lot harder than it should be. I love her to pieces though, she's a really fun baby. She smiles and lights up the room, she's very playful, and notices humor around her to a degree that surprises me for a 6 month old.
There are still many days I swear I'd sell them both to the gypsies, if they were still taking kids, and if there are in fact still gypsies
Today is Zac's first day at his office. I'll be interested to hear how that went.
I've scratched the surface, but so much has happened in the last few months, there's more to say. Oh well, when I have some more time...
My grandmother passed away 2 days before I returned to the NW. I can't express in words how sad that makes me. I went to her memoril service last Saturday evening. It was nice, but my father was merely her "stepson", and I was "his daughter", ouch. I thought we had a real family, I thought I was considered her granddaughter, she was always my grandmother. She married my grandfather when my father was a teenager, long before I ever came along. She was my father's mom for over 40 years. I thought the way my aunt handled her eulogy and the memorial was very disrespectful, not to mention truly hurtful. I felt like they cut us out of the family with thier words. There was a lengthy slideshow and not one picture had my father, his sister, me or my cousin Calvin (we're all from Grandpa's family, but does that matter, really?!). My grandfather died when I was 2 years old, but we still had grandma, and his death never changed our family.
I miss our family in Michigan. I miss talking to my MIL. I miss the farm for Aidan, he realy loved all the animals.
I'm feeling sort of down, having a hard time just dealing with the kids and the house, and I want to go back to work so badly. I'm getting my package together to join the Washington Air National Guard. I have been trying to figure out how to get back in since Sept 11th. MY job is available as a guard position at the base, so I"m going for it. Our kids are both #! for thier age groups to start daycare at the CDC on base, so we have care for them, I just need a job.
That's where I'm at...
I should start out by saying my Aunt called last week to apologise for leaving me out, she was crying, sid it was an honest mistake, that she feels awful for not including me. Water under the bridge, I"m just glad my family didn't die with my grandmother.
I have so much to type and so little time to actually ssit down and do it. Life is busy, and I couldn't be more thankful about it. I"m looking at going back into the Air Force via the Washington National Guard and a full time job slot at McChord. Crossing my fingers, the Air Force is in my heart, my blood, I want to go back. I put in paperwork last week, hopefully I get some good news soon, this would be so good for me, my family. I thought I wanted to be a Massage therapist, and I realised I DO, but I want to be in the Air Force more than that right now.
So the moment my window opened, the baby started to cry, CRAPPPPP!!! One day, I swear, I"m going to update my journal. It may be after I send the kids off the college, but eventually...
My baby girl is sitting up to play all the time now (just started doing that a few days ago, but once she started, it was like she always did it), it's wierd to look over and see her sitting there, or to walk into her room in the morning and she's sitting up, smiling at me. She weighs 18.5 pounds and has 2 new teeth too (which are cute as heck, love new baby teeth, but sadly miss the gummy smile). She gives her brother a run for his money already. If he gets close enough, she grabs a fistfull of his hair, with glee, while he writhes around begging her to let go. All she does is giggle.
Aidan refuses to potty train, and we're going through a bit of a rough spot with him. He doesn't want to listen, ignores us, etc. I understand this is NORMAL for his age group, and that's all well and good, as long as it's not making him unsafe. I'm terrified of him running into the street to spite me or because he's ignoring me. How do you explain dead to a three year old? Other than ALL that, he's my little boy, I love him, he's a load of fun and he's infinately helpful with his little sister, who he adores still.
I finally feel like I have what I always wanted, a loving family, happy children, a place I love to call home. My relationship with my parents is falling into a realm of comfortable too. I've actually been home 3 times so far, and it's gone well. I'm having a couple issues with being put in the middle and dragged into my parents issues, but I try my best to not get involved. So far, so good. It's amazing to see them as grandparents. They're patient, loving, generous with their time AND money. Where were these people when I was a kid? I'm glad my children have the benefit of thier new mellowed selves, but I"m sad they didn't know this side of themselves when I was a child, things could have been so much better for our little family.
On a sad note, we found out last week that an old friend of ours committed suicide in May. We were just getting settled here and starting to contact some people we were friends with. Zac was talking to one guy he used to work with, and asked about Ryan, and that's how we found out he's gone. We're both really upset about it. This was someone that we spent weekend after weekend with, him and his wife (they later divorced). I wish we had been here, I wish we had found him already, I wish he knew that we missed him and wanted to find him, I wish he knew that we just lost contact, but we never stopped hoping to find him again. I wish he didn't die feeling so alone.
I've got a lot on my mind, I'll try to start at the begining and end at the ending :).
First, Zac talked to his friend in Germany a week or so ago. It seems another person Zac used to work with decided that before he left for the states, that he'd like to smear our reputation. He actually told this guy that the whole reason we hung out with him and his wife was to get them to swing with us. First of all, I DON'T swing!!! WTF? I've experimented in the past, but since I've been married, I haven't done a thing. My faimly, my children, my husband are very important to me, and none of that crap is worth it to me, to risk what really counts. Anyway, I guess our friend told him we never once did or said anything to him or his wife that would make him think that. The other thing that gets me is, I never discussed anything with this other guy, never did a thing to give him the impression that I was into that whole scene either. Anyway, I'm not ashamed of what I've done in the past, but I really resent the fact that someone that I thought we were friends with would wait until we leave and then spread rumors about our family that just plain aren't true.
We did the annual thing for Zac's work. What a wild time that was!! IT's a blur, the food, the beer, the shopping, the very late nights. I had so much fun, but I've never been happier to see my children. This whole time away from them is giving me cold feet about starting to work. I know I want to, I know it's all I've been talking about since I stopped working, but this was the first time I evr left them. I know what it's like to not be around them, and it SUCKS. I have cold feet, but I'll have to get over it, because I need to work, I need to work on me now, me and them, instead of just them.
Seaking of work, I got a call from the Chief at the squadron on base I applied with. I called him back this morning, got voice mail. Waiting for him to call me back. I wonder if this is an interview. I hope it is, and at the same time, I"m scared that it's exactly what I've been hoping for, because it means leaving my children to go back to work. It's one dilemma after another...
Yeah, so, I got the job! The Chief calls, the conversation goes like this:
him: Is Alicia there?
me: This is.
him: Hi, this is Chief G____, I was wondering if you're still interested in the AGR job?
me: Yes, I am.
him: You're hired.
him: You sound surprised, you've been selected, the job is yours.
All I could think was, that was easy.
So, I go see the recruiters Thursday morning and start the process to get me in the Guard, get my secret clearance back, etc. This is crazy. I have about 500 ohone calls to make, there is so much to do my head is spinning...
Well, she's at it again!
Things were going so smoothly, I went home when I wanted, I stayed home when I wanted. Now they are invading my house, UNinvited. My mother literally invited herself to my house this weekend. She also invited herself up all next week (she is planning on driving back with my dad Sunday, has a dr's appt Monday, and wants to come back right after that). As if that's not enough...
We were thinking of having Aidan's birthday down by my parents (2 hours from here) because all my family and my friends with kids are down there. Well, yesterday I decided it was too much hassle, much ado about something Aidan doesn't really care about, and it's HIS day. So, Zac and I decided we'd let Aidan pick where he wants to eat and take him up to the Seattle aquarium on his birthday. Nothing fancy, a few presents, and a nice day doing something fun with just our little family. Enter, MOTHER. As soon as I said I was doing something up here, she invited herself AGAIN to come up here. I tried to say it was no big deal, just us, just hanging out and she simply WILL NOT be dissuaded. I'm honestly kind of sick about it. Why don't WE get to choose what we do for our son's birthday?! It's overkill, it's too much for her to be coming up here so much, and I don't know how to find space.
She even said to me, "If it weren't for you and the kids, I don't think I'd even care about life anymore". How did I end up back here? Things were starting to go well, she was acting semi-normal, it was actually somewhat okay to be around her, and it hasn't been like that in many many years. Here we are at square one, with her invading my life, my family. The worst part about it is that she talks to my father like he's the family dog that shit on the rug, looks at him like she scraped him off her shoe. It's so unconfortable to be around them together, most of the time, he just walks away, which is commendable, I couldn't do it, I'd tell her off for being so mean. If he does say anything back, she bursts into tears, and you're all invited to the pity party, she threw it herself, her own design, lovely.
So now I have to either find a way out of it, or I have to spend the better part of the next 2 weeks with MOTHER. The other thing is, I may not have too many more weekends with my family before I start working, and I wanted to enjoy that time. DAMN IT!!!
Me personally, I'd want to be wanted, I'd want people to want me around, if they didn't hey, I've got better things to do. It's like she doesn't care about what anyone else wants, it's all about her, what she wants, if she's having a good time. This is MY child's birthday, it's not about if she "gets" to be there, it's just a day that my husband and I want to do something nice for HIM.
CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP, I'm so annoyed.
Oh, Goddess, grant me courage, I have to talk to my mother and I"m gonna need it. Wait, can't someone else do it?
You know, when I told her back when I was having Indigo that I'd just come home and visit after we were in the states, she got all upset. After I got to Michigan, she tried to weasel her way over there, but I found the excuses to keep her at bay, although, I got, "you won't let me see my grandbabies" every time there was an opportunity for her to say it :roll: .
I told my mom some things a few weeks ago, things that happened to me as a kid. She actually asked me why I never told her before, hmmm, I wonder. I gave her a prime example. This girl called the house one day when I was in 8th grade, said she was a friend of this other girl, Robin, that went to my school. She said, "I'm Robin's friend, and I'm 19. If you mess with Robin, I"ll f-ing kill you". It scared the crap out of me, I told my mom what happened and she said, "you must have done something to deserve that". The thing is, I vaguely knew Robin, she was a friend of a friend, in fact, the entire subject of her was quite UNinteresting to me, I was sort of obliviuos to her. Robin, on the other hand found opportunity after opportunity to harrass me, to follow me home from school and threaten me, to be just plain mean. I ignored her as best I could. Once she actually follwed me into my back yard after school, and I turned back around and went to a neighbor's house because my mom wasn't home yet. She actually rang the neighbor's doorbell and talked the woman into having me come outside "just to talk" to her. To my horror, the woman made me go outside. Long story short, I was assaulted and I didn't tell a soul, not my best friend, not the school, not my parents, no one.
My mom launched into, "I must have been the worst mom ever", in this tone that sounded suspiciously unconvincing. She also said that the night I got that phone call, she was just trying to figure out "what happened" because when she was a kid her mom blamed her for everything without finding out what happened. I guess she didn't get how she did the same to me. I stopped feeling safe in my parent's home when I was just 11 years old, I remember the very DAY. That day I realised I was on my own, and they wouldn't protect me from anything. Ask either of them, and they'd tell you they would do anything in the world for me. I know they believe that, bu tI also know if it came down to it, the truth would come out, I'd be on my own.
What am I trying to salvage? Why do I want them to love me? Why do I need this kind of "family"?
I know one thing, my kids can count on me, even if all they want from me is space. Please let me be understanding when that day comes, because inevitably, for all of us, it does...
So, on another note, Aidan has a tooth that discolored, it started turning brown. I of course, freaked out, and took him to the dentist on Tuesday (we don't have insurance until the 1st of November). I had a tooth abcess when I was a kid and had to have a root canal, I was scared the same would happen to Aidan. The funny thing is, it's the same exact tooth that it happened to on me. Anyway, 61 dollars later, the dentist tells me it will be okay, it's not infected, it could change back to it's normal coloring, it might stay that way. I"m just supposed to keep an eye on it for signs of an abcess, and next month when he has a check-up and cleaning, he will get an x-ray as well.
I guess all of this happens when a kid falls and maybe bumps the tooth or something. I have a very rough little boy, so who the heck knows when that happened. I felt like such a bad mom when all this happened, like I"m supposed to protect every inch of him at all times. Why an I such a freak? I'm just glad it's all okay.
Well, the weekend went okay. My parents rolled in Friday afternoon and left this morning. Today has been relaxing. My mother comes back tomorrow. She's not scheduled to leave until November 4th!!!! Oh, my, f-ing, Gawd. I don't know how I"m going to handle it, but I wish she could take the hint and cut it short. I think it's beyond rude and intrusive of her to come up here to stay for a week and a half. All weekend long my parents went on with the old argueing, I felt quite uncomfortable. Do I ever get to just be the kid in this family? Why do I get dragged into their shit? I told them flat out several times I wasn't involved, it didn't work. How do I cut them off at least a little? Do I have to cut them off entirely for me to regain some personal space? A week and a half with my mom in my home is more than I should have to bear. I"m actually considering doing Aidan's birthday late, after she leaves. I'll do a cake and stuff here, but I think the big day in Seattle we should save for just us. I don't know what to do, I"m feeling like a trapped animal at the moment.
Is it over yet? NO... Thursday, Thursday, Thursday, my new day of freedom. The train departs in the afternoon. Why? I"m still wondering. MY mother needs a new hobby that doesn't involve me or the kids. The good news is, my husband and I decided to go out to dinner ALONE one night before she departs, that'll be nice, we rarely get time like that alone.
MY little boy turns 3 tomorrow. I can't believe it. I'm so proud of him, of the little boy he's turning into, so excited to continue to watch him grow. I need to write him my annual letter. I hope one day he looks back and reads all the letters I've written him, and he knows how much I not only love and adore him, but how much I've enjoyed watching him grow, how much I've loved being a part of that.
We went to the pumkin patch today. Poor Indigo has a cold, no idea where that came from. She was a trooper though, snot factory that she was :D. Tomorrow we'll eat a yummy breakfast, carve the pumpkins, let Aidan choose where to eat lunch, have dinner, presents, and cake, and go trick or treating. I'm sure he'll have a ton of fun, even though we opted to forego the whole party thing. Next weekend is the Seattle aquarium and dinner wherever Aidan wants to go.
So, that's where I'm at, pretty dull...
I'm still here. Tomorrow is it, tomorrow I can do what I want, when I want, and dang it, my mother won't be around to tell me how to do it better, or remind me that I'm forgetting something that I never really forgot in the first place.
She's killing herself with food, it tears my heart out. Yes, she drives me crazy, YES, but I still love her. We had a bowl full of Halloween candy for the trick or treaters that apparently don't come to the gated community (bummer). It was heaping two nights ago when we went to bed, this morning, I added a whole bag of candy to it and it wasn't even full. OMG. I put the lid on it and hid it when she wasn't looking. I make dinner every night, a nutritious, hot meal. She eats very little, like if we're all there looking, she puts on the show. When we sleep, she eats candy, and not just a piece or two, she must be stuffing herself. I won't even go into the 2 pints of ice cream she's polished off in the last two days. Wait, I just did. It makes me understand why my dad has the food stocked in their house the way he does, nothing snackable, nothing sugary, it's all healthy, no room for the munchies. I accidentally left my salt water taffy I got at the beach there a couple weeks ago (we stayed with them for a night on the way home). When I talked to her, she mentioned there was less of it than I left because she got "the munchies one night". The rest was never returned to me either. I can't confront the situation or else I get a cryfest, I get told I am ashamed of her, that I can't love her the way she is, etc. How do I make a point at all? I don't, I can't. So, as my punishment, I have to watch her kill herself with food. It's happening rather slowly, painfully, but it is happening. She's diabetic, type II, adult onset. High blood pressure, back problems, and I'm sure, a dependency on prescription pain pills. She can't even get a good nights sleep, and the drugs she's got can't even help her sleep for a night. I'm helpless, and I don't want to give up, but I don't know how to deal with it, handle it. All the doctors, all the counsellors she's seen, and nothing has changed her destruction. I can't fix her. Add to it all that she acts so miserable if the scene doesn't suit her to a T. She can be so nasty, so rude, so condescending.
I know I've got this life to live the best way I can, does my mother know that about herself? Does she care? Does she know that the gifts, the money, they mean nothing? Does she know that the grandchildren she loves so dearly will have to watch her kill herself with food too? Does she know how that will affect them for their lifetimes? Does she know what watching this has done to me, how it affects my own relationship with food, the scale, the mirror? I will not give this to my children, they will not watch me go down that road, I have to be more, give them more, because I know how it feels. I will not be the reason for my children to question if they are good enough when they look in the mirror, I will not be a reason for my children to let the scale weight thier true worth as human beings. I will not be the cause for food to be either an enemy, or a best friend to my children. I only have power over myself, I cannot change her, but I can stop the cycle, I can.
Indigo sleeps, so peacefully. Aidan too is out like a light. Why am I still awake? I am an idiot, I guess. In the late hours of the night, I stay awake many times just to immerse myself in the PEACE of it all, the still, the quiet, the silence, ahhh. In the morning, I wonder to myself why I did that again, and night after night, I sit awake for hours after they have all gone to bed, alone with my thoughts. I must need it, that's all I can come up with.
My mom is back home. I felt sort of sad dropping her off. I know how much she loves all of us, I know how much she wishes she could see us every day. I wish her own life could yield her such happiness, that she could again find joy in herself, in her marriage, her hobbies.
I'm sleep deprived, I blame myself, in part :D. Indigo is not sleeping well, or nursing well, for that matter. I'm engorged, and exhausted. This is a less than desireable combination. I don't want to pump any more than I already am. I'm stubborn. I"m not thrilled that my baby may be self weaning this early on, I really wanted to go at least a year. How do you do that if the baby won't co-operate?
We have to go pick up our copy of Shrek 2. I know, I lead such an infinately interesting existance, whatever. Some days, like this one for example, it's all I can do to just get through it...
I had my physical to get into the Guard. I was disqualified on account of having counseling at age 11. Funny, I got into active duty Air Force having divulged this same period of counseling. The doctor only said, "the rules have changed since then, I"ll reccommend a waiver. Fabulous. I went to see the recruiter, give him the paperwork the doc gave me, he said the waiver should be no problem, but they take 1-2 months!! Holy shit, I won't start work until next year!!! That's assuming all goes well and I get the waiver.
No, I'm not psycho. I was sexually abused as a child. I can't say for sure when the abuse started, but I know when I told, I was 11. My parents made me go to a psychiatrist once a week for what seemed like an eternity. I still find it highly ironic that they made me go see a male doctor for this counselling after what I'd been through. Did it not occour to them to look around for another doctor? I remember crying in the driveway, screaming and crying hot tears, begging my mother not to make me go, anything but that. She forced me into the car, said if "they" found out I didn't get counselling for this after I told, "they" could come take me away. Funny, no charges were ever filed against my abuser. I DO know I never got anything from all that counseling except this stigma I carry around with me. Military life is so different, the things you're expected to divulge, the things that can cast a negative cloud over your head, it's amazing. The biggest joke in all of it is that when you're in, they have all this suicide prevention, tell you if you're depressed or need to talk, to go find someone to talk to. Then it seems they keep record of it, and use it against people later on. They used to call the clinic "mental health" and it was a big deal to have a record over there, BIG negative stigma. Now they call it "life skills", I don't know if anyone else finds that amusing. Anyway, I was never even prescribed a drug by that doctor, it was just talking, I wasn't even what I'd call depressed. I really just wanted to be away from that man who couldn't stop touching me, I wanted to feel protected and safe, I just wanted to end that chapter of my life and I didn't want to talk about it, I just wanted it to END. I felt like every week I went to that office, I was reopening a wound, I was reliving the shame and fear all over again. I still to this day can't understand why week after week she made me go there. Week after week, I explained how I felt, how I didn't want to talk to a strange man about any of this, and week after week, I was made to walk into that office. It makes my skin crawl. How do you know if you're doing the right thing as a parent? How do you know if your kid really needs to see someone, or if the issue would be better left alone, left with time to die away or at least fade from memory?
He doesn't haunt me anymore. He died when I was 19, my dad called me, he was truly happy to read that man's obituary. I would be too if a man I once trusted enough to name as my child's guardian in my will did what he did. He's gone now, but I carry around the mark of what he did, I never thought it could possibly keep me from doing a job, from doing something I want to do. Hopefully it won't, I didn't do anything wrong, why should I pay the price?
The kids are finally well, Aidan's face has even cleared up from his nasty eczema breakout. He was so pitifully cute through that whole ordeal, "my face broken out" he would say :(. Now he says, "my face is better!!!". Of course, next Tuesday is his three year appointment and I need to ask the doctor about maybe some Elidel for him, nothing else really works for the kid, and I can't stand to watch him suffer for two plus weeks, especially knowing there are other little kids out there who can get relief in a day or two with a prescription. It hardly seems fair. So far, Indigo shows no signs of a skin issue, and that makes me happier than anyone could know. Of course, they are such completely different children.
Zac woke up with a 103.1 degree fever this morning. He went and scheduled himself appointments with applicants applicants all day today. It's a federal holiday, he was supposed to have a four day weekend. The thing is, he is all freaked out about making goal, scared he'll fall behind so he's working all these extra hours, and now, an extra day. Maybe this getting sick today is a blessing is disguise. I've been telling him to slow down, and now his body is telling him to slow down. Unfortunately, he won't get to come home until around 6 tonight, so maybe we'll see him before 7. That's a long day when you're sick.
Our gas stove isn't working, and it's freezing in here. We spend most of our time in this room, and it's so cold right now, it's almost miserable. I love this house, and I hate it. The more I live here, the more I see wrong with it.
The big news around here is that Indigo took her first step on Friday night!!! 8 months, 4 days old and she took her first step, OMG :shock: . Of course, she fell on her face right after she took it, but dang it, she did it. The best part was that Zac saw it too. Usually, when I'm getting ready to nurse Indigo before bed, Zac is busy with Aidan, but that night, for some reason, he was sitting on her bedroom floor, talking to me. I'm so glad we both got to see her first step. I'm scared out of my wits, this is crazy to say the least, but it's also so very cool, I'm so proud of her. Not to compare my children (but I don't have anything else to compare it to), but this is 2 whole months earlier than Aidan started. Time will tell how long ti takes before she really starts to take off, and I'm hoping it will take a little while at least. I'm not ready for her to walk, i love her being a baby, but I know I can't have that forever.
Well, let the holday's begin, mother, start your bitching! Always the first sign of Xmas around here, not the tree or the Xmas music playing at the stores, it's my mother, complaining about everyone and everything...
She called Monday and asked if we'd like to "join them" for Thanksgiving. Uh, thanks, but we bought our turkey Sunday, and don't you think 3 days notice is a bit ridiculous for us to haul ourselves and 2 kids down there for the weekend? Then she says, "What are you doing for Christmas". Well, we do "christmas" type stuff, but it's not a religious thing for us, more spiritual and tradition, we're more Yule oriented, but I digress... I said we are staying up here, getting a real tree (nearly 30 years I've been on this earth, and not one of them have my parents had a real tree, I HATE it), making dinner, hanging out with our babies. She says, "we can come up, right?", SHIT, how the F do I get out of that? I didn't get out of it, that's how. I said, "I guess". I broke the news to Zac last night, he was PISSED, wants to know why we can't arrange to do a "Christmas" type thing with them on another weekend or day, why can't we just have that time for us. It wouldn't be so bad if it was one day, but it'll turn into the entire weekend, and we just want to have a nice holiday with our kids, ALONE. Indigo's first Xmas, the kid's first Xmas in the states. I couldn't say no because next year and every year thereafter, we plan on going to Michigan for the holidays. Zac wants to be home, I don't want to be here entertaining my parents who fight and bicker every second of every day, and Zac's mother really wants us to be there for that time of the year. How can I say no when I know we won't be spending Xmas around here after this year? How do I keep them from bitching at each other (mostly my mom bitching at dad, and acting like the martyr) and ruining our whole day (weekend!)? The last time they were here, I got sick of listening to it one day and told them to stop it, my dad felt awful, and it wasn't his fault, and my mother started the tears, and got more mad at my dad, as if his mere existance is reason enough for her to be angry all the time. It's one of those situations where you just can't win, no matter how you slice it.
Indigo hasn't attempted to walk again, I don't blame her. She's so happy and funny though, I enjoy watching her every single minute. She now does little hand movements for twinkle twinkle little star, opens and closes her hand like a twinkling star, it's so dang cute. She has this smile when she sees someone walk into the room, and once they talk to her, she makes it even bigger and sort of jiggles around, it cracks me up. She's a total chow hog, I cannot believe how much this baby eats, and still nurses at least 4 times a day.
Aidan is scheduled to see an audiologist and a speech pathologist. I"m frustrated that it's taken so long to get this for him, mad that I was brushed off fo rso long by the doctors in Germany. I just want to get him back on track. He's a very bright little boy, he just needs a little help in this area, and thank godness we're getting it for him.
Today is basically our Friday, I"m so glad to have this nice long weekend ahead of us. Bring on the TURKEY!!!
We're down to nursing 3 times a day. Indigo is just not into sitting still long enough to nurse. I have to strap her in the high chair with a bottle to get her to eat, or feed her solids. She is the busiest baby I've ever been witness to. She decided to try out her legs again yesterday, she took as many as 8 steps in a row that I counted. I guess it wasn't a fluke, her taking that step a couple weeks ago.
Thanksgiving was nice, quiet. We ate and ate and ate, yum. We got to talk to my MIL, which was really nice, I miss the family in Michigan so much, it sucks to be so far away. I wish I could afford to go to MI this year, but moving is so expensive it really sapped us. My parents called later that night. My dad was dissappointed that thier thanksgiving dinner didn't include mashed potatoes. It didn't help that they spent T-day with my mom's old friend from high school who is a raving bitch. She always talks badly about my father, which really makes them spending a holiday with her very confusing to me. I'd rather be alone than spend a holiday with a person who's made it quite clear for DECADES that she thinks she's better than me, and that's how it is between them. Anyway, her friend is doing Atkins, and now weighs probably 350 pounds, I'm sure it used to be over 400 the last time I saw her. Anyway, she made sweet potatoes instead of mashed potatoes "because mashed potatoes have too many carbs". Is she stupid on top of being a bitch? Apparently.
I have to go feed my daughter, again...
I tried to talk my mother into doing a christmas weekend before or after the holiday, no dice. she started getting all tary and said, "NO!!". I'm being manipulaterd yet again, Happy f-ing holidays. She didn't have to be so dang dramatic about it.
Aidan's got an audiologist appointment this week, finally, we'll find out once and for all if there's an issue with his ears. I think he was just a late talker, considering he's only been talking for about 8 months, he's doing an exceptional job. I still have no idea what took him so long, it definately wasn't for lack of trying on my part.
My aunt offered me a bunch of my grandmother's things over the weekend. I think I"m going to take her up on all of it. Lucky for us, one of the things was her mahogany dining table and 6 chairs. We've been looking for a dining set for a while now, and our poor table is about to break down waiting for us to get something new. There is a ton of stuff, and I"m thrilled about all of it. Some of it was things her and my grandfather bought together. These are all things my children can have one day, furniture that's been around for ages, very well built, things that will be around for many many years to come.
Well, I haven't bothered to get dressed yet today and I've got so much to do tonight, I better get a move on...
Everyone's been sick all weekend. Both kids, snot factories. Yesterday I was so tired, I was falling asleep whileplaying with my kids on the floor. I got them to bed and went to bed shortly after them, around 9:30. I woke up this morning at 9:30!!! :shock: OMG, I was wasted tired. We've stil got pretty much all the Xmas shopping left to do, joy. This totally sucks. Zac leaves probably 5 days after the holiday for 6+ weeks. I swear, didn't I just do this?
Indigo is teething, STILL. She is sick, she's teething, she is miserable. Man, when baby's not happy, NObody's happy.
Well, the holiday comes, wether we're ready or not...
My mom came up on the train Friday so Zac and I could do some holiday things. Friday night we went to a party at his commander's house. That was fun, I drank too many margheritas. After we went to the pub and deli on the base, OMG, the old stomping grounds. That was wierd, fun, but wierd. Saturday, Zac and I went shopping for the kids. That was FUN. The crowds sucked, but it was fun getting all that stuff for the kids, playing with all those toys. That night we went out to dinner with an old friend of mine and his wife. Went to one of our favorite old places (a brewery). Due to my overindulgence the night before, the last thing I wanted to do was drink, so I designated myself the driver. My friend's wife can TALK, woo. It took us 20 minutes to tear ourselves away in the parking lot, and it was freezing! He gave me some homemade Guinness, what a guy :D.
Sunday I had to take mom to the train, then I ran out and grabbed a couple things for Zac for Yule. Once Aidan got up from his nap, I took him out to see the Incredbles, his first movie in a theater, EVER. IT was fun, he did really well. As we were leaving, he said, "I was a good boy at the movie", lol.
I have SO MUCH to do, I really shouldn't even be posting. This time of year is CRAZY, and it's made worse by the fact that Zac is leaving 5 days after Christmas. This, sucks...
Okay, so much has happened. Let's call it a terribly UN-lucky streak.
A couple days before Christmas, Zac tried to drive out of the garage before the garage door was all the way up, destroying the bottom section of the door. Wooden garage doors are hardly made anymore, the piece had to be re-created to the tune of 300 dollars. I have yet to prime and paint it (although, I did manage to get myself to Home Depot for the primer, paint, and brush).
The holiday went off without a hitch, the folks came up, I cooked almost constantly the whole flippin weekend while dealing with what I was thoroughly convinced was a sinus infection. I later went to the doctor (why do I always get sick Friday night, when I can't do anything about it?) who said if I waited much longer, I would have a SI, but not quite yet. He then gave me some recipe for a hypertonic solution to shoot up my nose three times a day, that did the trick. It's horribly unpleasant, but hey, it works.
The night before Zac left for school, I had this romantic evening planned, much of it taking place in out big bathtub surrounded by lots of little candles. What REALLY happened is I stressed all day, and had this headache that got worse throughout the day. After the kids went to bed, I couldn't see straight, I threw up everything I ate all day long, and Zac had to feed me a Demerol, and put me to bed, VERY romantic... I felt so bad about it. Anyway, that migraine drained me for the next few days.
The day he left, I needed to go get some formula for Indigo (who still nurses here and there, but just can't be bothered to sit still long enough to eat). I was walking out the door in my coat, holding the baby, rooting around in my purse and I thought, "where the heck are my keys?". I looked all over, then called Zac on his cel. He was in Idaho by this point. Anyway, long story short, the day before, we went up to the video store and over to get Aidan and Zac haircuts, Zac drove my car. Well, when we got back, he put the keys in the down vest he was wearing and forgot about it, packed it in his Jeep to take to Colorado. So, my keys were with him, in Idaho, soon to be in Utah, fabulous. That was Friday the 31st, a Federal holiday, the first, Saturday, another holiday. I couldn't get my keys sent to me until Monday. I had to go to my neighbor's house and ask someone to go get me some formula for Indigo, and oh yeah, incidentally, I had no cash, so I'd need them to loan me the money until I could get to an ATM, or I could write them a check right then (of course, they wouldn't hear of that). So, my neighbor's son went and got me a can of formula, I"ve since paid him back, but I felt awful about having to ask in the first place.
It cost 45 bucks to overnight the keys to me. You know, in the grand scheme of things, 345 bucks is no big deal, I"m just glad no one got hurt, and I now have my keys. At the same time, I was asking myself, what the hell else could possibly happen right now, and wondering if maybe the gods felt I'd had enough for the time being and I can maybe have a streak of luck for once.
So far, so good, minus one baby with a mystery fever...
So, we're 3 weeks down, 3 to go. Thursday, I"m off to Colorado. I get to see my husband, I get to finally meet my friend Danielle (after two pregnancies and nearly 4 years shared), I get to see my best friend Matty, gawd, how I've missed him. I've never been to Colorado, I'm so excited!!
I went to my parents house last weekend, that was a mess. I was falling apart, I was so lonely, I needed to get out of here for a bit and just be around adults for a while. I got next to no help with the kids, there was a sheet of ice covering Portland, so I never made it down there, and I got to be in the middle of my parents never ending fighting. Once I got home, I took this deep breath and realised there are worse things than being alone with your children for 3 weeks with no help, a garage door to paint, a house to clean, and little to no adult interaction. I had never been so happy to just be ALONE.
I finally, after 3.5 weeks of having the garage door fixed, got a coat of primer/sealer on it. I love the rain, but it sure makes getting things done outdoors, quite difficult.
Taxes are done, we are getting 2000 more than we thought, wow, that's nice, real nice. If anyone could use a little extra money, it's us. My dear husband has a way of making expensive mistakes.
I've started the use of the naughty chair. Okay, I ripped it off from Super Nanny. I was at my wits end, and I saw kids in that show literally 10 times worse than my kid, and I thought, "If it works for them, it'll work for me". We've got a lot of structure in our lives, we've got a schedule, what we were lacking was a form of discipline that worked for us. After just one day, he was noticably different. After only 3 days of this, I need only mention the naughty chair, and he changes his tune. It's effective, it friggin WORKS I think I"m on the road to a much improved relationship with my child. Ahh!!!
I've been sooo MIA. It's been the classic story of, Life Gets in the Way.
I went to Colorado, had a pretty good time, except for the part where my husband had the flu, struggled to make my time there great, and we spent a whole day in the ER. I returned home with the flu myself, and had to stay another 3 nights at my parents house because I was too sick to drive the 2 hours home. When I finally did get there, I got a fever over 105 degrees myself that night. I finally did get well, finally.
I've had Aidan tested, both with the speech pathologist, audiologist, and also with the school district. He's NORMAL. Am I really just impatient? As soon as I got all the testing done, his speech and sentences took off yet again. The kid is holding out on me. It's hard, I see how smart he is, and not just because I"m his mommy, he's intelligent, it just seems that orating is not his preferred method of self expression. I am learning as I go, I'm just trying to be his mommy, however he needs mt to be that.
Indigo is the most amazingly fun, happy, sweet baby I've ever encountered. Comstantly picking up words, babbling, running all over the place, playing, laughing. She's fiercely independent, but still loves to snuggle up with me and just be together. I adore that little girl, from the sweet little blonde curls at the nape of her neck, to her chubby toes, those big blue eyes, that sweet disposition, that little dimple in her left cheek that just drives me gaga.
My husband has been busy, but he's doing so well. Recruiting is really a great place for him. He's definately got an amazing attitude, and a real love for the work he's doing. I'm proud of him. I just wish we saw more of him, the work is demanding. I am immensely grateful that he's so happy with what he's doing, it makes all the difference.
For now, I'm still a SAHM, it's beautiful, and it'sa challenge. I'm sorting out finances in order to start school next Spring. I'm wading through reading requirements for doula as well, another road I've decided to go down. My career path is laid out, and I'm making my way, slowly, but surely...