I feel as though I have totally isolated myself from my friends. I call my BF but aside from her and family, I just read emails and don't respond. I honestly am not trying to be rude, I just don't feel like replying. I feel as though it takes so much effort to do everything, and I only have a certain amount to give each day, you know?
Zoe has started lying again, it's so old. I said I'd take away a 'bunny home' she'd been working on (because I know how little taking away a proper toy would affect her) and she was initially upset. She got over very quickly and I was dithering over whether or not to actually throw it away. I felt awful for saying I'd do it because she put so much effort into it and as a family we were all getting involved. But I had to choose an item that meant something to her, and it appeared as though it did....then it didn't and I'm left feeling like crap.
I'm just so tired of the issues we have with her, they're not fun or cute or easy to move past. I keep having to remind myself that she's a different child to Sasha and to not expect the same things to work. Then when I treat her differently, I feel awful as though I'm favouring Sash.
I've read a book called Love Languages which explains a theory that we all give and recieve love in different ways. That a person can be 'loving' you but you still feel unloved because they are, for all intents and purposes, speaking a different language. There are 5 different languages and I can clearly see which each of my children speaks primarily.
Sasha is the 'toucher' which is mine and G's also. This makes things really easy for us all, because we just get each other. Zoe is a Quality Time person which is not working for us at all. G and I both zone out and do our own things, like work, tv, computer etc. and find Z nags and nags us for attention. She's also the one who will act out to get the attention whereas Sasha just floats around and comes for a cuddle when she needs love.
I was really struggling to understand the difference until I read this book. Though I still feel horrendous when I try to cater to the differences. Zoe doesn't really like touching unless it's on her terms. So I will sit on the couch cuddling S while we watch TV and Zoe gets upset with me - she will want to sit with me. So I share myself but as soon as S leaves the room Zoe will move away from me. Z isn't really getting anything from cuddling with me, other than being where she sees S happy. As if stealing someone else's happiness will make her happy. That's a sad thought.....
I have been trying to compensate for the ease of which we are able to love S - it's doesn't require so much of ourselves. So every afternoon we spend 30 minutes at the playground, at Z's request, and I sit close to where she plays so I can watch and give her attention. Other than keeping an eye on S from a distance and occasionally smiling at Gabe, I am able to praise and encourage her while she plays. Her idea of play is to show me the tricks she can do, and that's fine. I'm not a parent who enjoys going to the park like that, so it's been an effort but I'm able to do this every day. It seems though as if she now wants more and more. I struggle to give the other two a full 30mins of undivided attention!!
I don't know, I'm just feeling so tapped out. Writing my PCA has taken time and mental effort. I look after the littlies all day and am back being fully responsible for the house, as well as looking after D's 2 kids occasionally. I need some time out for me, so I'm certainly struggling with being able to give more of myself to Z.
She said to me the other day 'remember when you used to play with us?' and I thought 'WTF?'!!! I've been writing this PCA for a few days and she acts like it's been forever. She presses my buttons like you wouldn't believe!!
I feel so much more relaxed today. G worked from home because I needed him to watch the kids while I went to my post-op check-up. So I was laid back about dropping Zoe off to school, there was no lugging the stroller out of the car and up the stairs and back again. Sashi and I had a race back to the car and we both finished together. We held up our arms and shouted YEAH, it was cute.
I pottered around for a little while, getting ready to go out. I decided to bloody well wear some of the nice things I own instead of not wanting to appear too 'dressed up'. So I wore a skirt and my knee-high boots, G made approving comments when I came out. Rather different from my sketchers and track pants!! I put Gabe to bed for a nap. After he went down I went to Mt O with Sash and met up with Bek. We had a coffee and then fossiked around the stores. We both bought ourselves something to wear and I had a pretend panic attack at the thought! I haven't bought myself anything, especially clothes, since my birthday! Before then it was few and far between..... So I have a gorgeous, girly top which I'm really looking forward to wearing.
It was nice to have some time with Sash without Gabe, it's so very rare she gets me all to herself anymore. I know I was with Bekki too but she felt as though she didn't have to share so that was good. Because of this, I asked if G wanted me to take Zoe with me to my appointment. I picked her up and we went to the hospital. She was a star and everyone was gushing over her. I told her how glad I was that I asked her to come and how I enjoyed spending the time with her. She thanked me for bringing her - I was so proud of her today.
My appointment went well - he said it's looking great and healing well. I felt so relieved that it looks good, for some reason I;d been worrying that it would prolapse again - weird, I know.
So we had our session last night - it went relatively well. I was slightly disappointed that we didn't get anything meaty nutted out but we cleared a bit of air and started some good groundwork for the future. Next time we'll be working on financials and trust - I requested it after seeing how we got so sidetracked this time.
I have to admit to being the one who got us off track. A asked how change occurred and I was stuck on a comment she'd made and got upset, which led to us going down that path and totally forgetting the question.
She had mentioned that our issues were indicative of a lack of deep, emotional connection because if we had that we'd be in harmony with each other and our respective needs. It really upset me because I feel as though I do what it takes but he doesn't - which I said. She asked me to say it a different way because saying it like that cuts him off and makes him defensive. So I did, but I felt frustrated by that. I'm not sure why.
A asked us to not bring anything new to the session if we could help it, because then we spend the time getting into that one comment and not able to really work, which made perfect sense after last night. She asked us to try and talk about the issues we want to discuss and to come back to it if we feel it going down the tubes. The reason I specifically asked to discuss the trust and money issue is because I feel as though we always approach it from the same perspective and we get nowhere. He gets defensive and I get angry and upset. Last Friday night being the prime example.....
We are supposed to be going out for drinks tomorrow night after work (G's work of course, as a SAHM I work longer hours.....:P) and take Erin so we can introduce her to some of the single guys G works with. It will be nice to get out for a few hours, so hopefully she has a good time too.
I have to go pick up Z now. I forgot her the other day, I was in the midst of writing and the kids were silent for a change.....time just slipped by and then the phone rang. It was Tab and I looked at the clock and just about had a heart attack!! I asked her to go because Gabe was still asleep and I knew it would take me ages to get in the car and there. So my darling sis saved my bacon, with Z too because it was such a treat she was picked up by Tab, she forgot to be upset I wasn't there and was late.
The Sasha situation...... How wonderful is she?! After that difficult week she is now proudly closing her own door. She shouts 'I'm going to shut my door all by myself' every time we stop the car, and so she does. How did we get here? She had asked me to help her push, so I placed my hand on the door but didn't push.....then I told her what I'd done and that she'd done it all by herself. She was so proud that she did it again.....and the rest is history.
For the second time this week Zoe fell on her head......I'm starting to wonder if we need to avoid the playground!! Yesterday she fell on her face, so has a wonderful bruise up her face, from her lip to eyebrow.
I'm just at a loss as to how to deal with her. I tried to make her feel better by telling her that she's great at tumbling and what a great job falling she did. That works with Sash and has worked for her before. It's what my folks say, and other parents that I've heard.... But when she was talking to G on the phone afterwards, she said 'Mum said I'm great at tumbling and I hate it when people say that to me when I hurt myself'. I just feel as though everything I do with her is wrong.
On the way home we stopped and I bought her an ice-cream (because she'd hurt her mouth as well and I thought that would be nice) and she perked up at that. But then she was a little monster for the rest of the afternoon, being horrible to Sasha and quite rough.
This morning, we'd just got out of the car at school and the bell went. It was just for the big kids, prep doesn't start until later, but she said 'oh great' in perfect imitation of a sarcastic teenager. I just about lost it, I felt as though she'd been on my back since the second I'd gotten up this morning, and wtf is with the attitude from my 5yo?!!!!! Mummy, you have to take me to the dentist. Mummy, you haven't spoken to the OSHC people. Mummy, you haven't started dinner. F%&k me!! It's like I'm Julia Roberts in Sleeping with the Enemy except it's my child and I can't run away!!!!
I get that I'm not the perfect mother, I'm forgetful and vague, I'm grumpy sometimes, I like to have time for myself and not devote every waking second to my kids. But give me a farking break, kid! I'm doing my best.
I hate that I can see so clearly that I like my younger two more than Z. I know she feels it, and I try, I try so DAMN hard not to let her feel it. I try to love her in the way she needs and be the Mummy she wants. But it's not me, and it's so hard to be someone I'm not. It's harder that I don't have to be someone else with the other two, so it looks like I love them more. I don't, I just love them effortlessly.
Crazy few days really. The house is back on the market, I just want it to sell. I took it off because I was so worried I'd feel the way I do - I am literally ready to drop the price another 20 grand just to offload the damn thing. I feel it like a millstone around my neck and want to feel free again.
I'm getting together with J on Thursday which will be nice. We're off to CC because I'll have Cody and it's his birthday today, I thought he'd like to have a fun day playing with Sash.
I took Mum to get her BCC removed today. I know she was worried about it and I'm glad I went with her. The kids were really quite good, Gabe was laughing and having a ball while we waited and Mum told me she was trying to focus on that and not think about it. I'm glad she had one last cuddle before she went in because with the stitches, she'll be unable to hold him for awhile. Gosh, he;s such a heavy boy!! It was funny, she said she felt bad for not being able to help me get everything back into the car or not cuddling Gabe and I said 'Now you know how I felt!'...... I think it was actually worse when it was my own baby, because I didn't feel as though she should have been helping me anyway, so there was nothing for her to feel bad about!
We had a coffee afterwards so I wouldn't arrive too early at school picking up Z. So I was feeling perky when I got there. I was hanging off the monkey bars like a kid. I usually sit and watch Z on a particular seat but most days have a chat with another mother I've known for awhile. Our girls went to dance class together when they were about 3yo. I hadn't seen her since then until Z changed schools, and it was nice to know someone. The mother's have been nice and all, but it's not the same as the last school. Today really sucked and I don't know if it's just me and my PPD.
On Friday I was talking to this mother and her friend came over so we were all chatting for ages while the kids played. It was rather nice and I felt like I'd finally 'fitted in'. So today, feeling perky and chatty, I felt blah when they stood a couple of meters away and talked together. What a stupid thing, right? They're friends and who I am to insist they speak to me?
As soon as I started to feel yuck, I got the kids together and left. I'm trying really hard to not wallow in yuck feelings, and it really does work. I'm wallowing a little now, I guess mainly to try and figure it out in my head. It's such a silly thing and I don't want it to taint how I go in tomorrow.
Really, I think the issue is I don't get the same comfortable feeling I had at the last school. I had a good friend there (ironically, another friend from dance class whom I hadn't seen since) and everyone was so chatty. It's not awfully fair to say the ladies at this school aren't nice, because they are and have said hello. I guess I wonder if I'm a little stand-offish because of my PPD and it's affecting how other's approach me.
I had a moment when I felt so crappy because I'd really like to make some new friends. Ugh, getting over it.
I think there's something seriously wrong with me. I had a choice between March of the Penguins or Australian Idol. I thought I'd watch the penguins because I love nature type shows. I got as far as the lone penguin and his slim chances of survival before I changed channels.....I told G I couldn't handle dying penguins tonight. Then a scottish woman came on and talked about making her kids proud and cried - which set me off. I sat with a mouthful of chicken cacciatore and cried. Ok, what?
I get I shouldn't watch tv when I eat because if this carries on I might choke. This is craziness!!! I literally went from crying to laughing my *** off when Kyle got his a.ss kicked by some wrestler dude. Then I got upset again when I was channel surfing and caught sight of some baby penguins. I think I'm going crazy. Or maybe I'm already there.
Signing off from Crazyville. See you later in Loonyton.
I finally visited the daycare center this afternoon. I have the littlies booked in and thought I might start Sashi one day a week, just for the exposure. She isn't getting the skills here at home with me and I worry about the fine and gross motor skills, let alone the mental development, she's not having stimulated.
There was nothing really wrong with the place, I just didn't get a nice vibe from it. The baby room was rather small and even though I knew one of the carers, I felt awful for the kids. It really struck me how it seemed like they were just stuck there while they're parents were working. I didn't feel any love or extra care for the wee things and it broke my heart. I know the carers were speaking to me which is why their attention wasn't on the kiddies, but I found it hard to picture them really interacting with the babes. Oh, I feel so hurt and sad thinking about my darling boy being there.
Sashi was not very happy. She stuck to my side almost as soon as we arrived, which I took to be a bad sign. We had been there about 30mins before we decided to see if she'd play in the playground. This is the child who runs to play the second she see's a park, but today it took a lot to get her to leave my side. I don't believe she knew I would be leaving her there eventually, and besides, she has been asking to go to 'Kindy' for ages. She is familiar with Z's kindy because we used to drop off and pick her up there, so I guess that would explain the excitement, but I can't help but feel she's telling me something - something my gut is also saying that I don't want to hear.
I have an appointment tomorrow to go into a different center, one that is highly recommended in the area. I *loved* the lady I spoke to on the phone and hope that it's as good there as I have heard.
So I went to the other center......which is a story in itself.
G had worked late the night before so was laying in bed and said he'd catch a later train so i could just drop Z off by myself. I told him I had stuff to do but I could drop him to the station - but could he get up and HELP me. He changed Gabe's nappy, propped his bottle, and helped Z find something to take for show and tell. I of course, got breakfast for the girls, did hair, made lunch, got snacks and drinks for S, cleaned bottles, made up bottles, got the bottle G gave to Gabe, cleaned the kitchen, got S dressed and everything ready to go out. I was pretty annoyed to say the least. I dropped Z off, who was being a royal PIA, and on the way to the station asked G if he would come to the center with me. It was a split-second decision required, and I thought seeing as there was 50mins before the train he'd offered to catch, he might come with me.
He wavered before saying yes but it could only be quick. I told him not to bother and he did the typical 'no, really'. I tried to leave my voice calm before replying. I'm not really sure where the confusion of communication was, he quite obviously didn't want to go with me. He talked afterwards, but it was like he was speaking a different language, I just didn't get what he was trying to say. He was thinking he could make an earlier train - right, got it. But why was it ok for him to get a later one when he was offering from bed, but not ok when it meant going to the center with me?
Last night he had a work function. I use that term loosely, because it was basically a glorified pis.s-up, he just got to do it with higher-ups. I certainly didn't care that he went out, I did care that it got to 10pm without a call though, not even to say goodnight to the kids. I called him and he asked me to call back in 4mins because 'he was having a chat'. I was in bed so I didn't bother but he called me back. We spoke for awhile and he used lack of credit on his phone as the excuse to why he didn't call. Valid, but crappy excuse.
He woke me up at 1am when he came in, then Sasha did at 2:30am and finally Gabe at 4:30am. By the time I dragged myself out of bed this morning I felt battered. It was an early start because Zoe was singing with her class in Chapel, something she'd been talking to me about for days. I did the usual morning routine and was out the door on time - all while G laid in bed.
I was angry, not for myself (even though it did upset me) I was angry for Zoe. She kissed her Daddy goodbye and he was in bed sleeping, he couldn't be bothered to get up to come and watch, the extra sleep was more important. Bloody hell, if anyone had excuses not to go this morning, it was me!! But I knew how important it was to her, and that matters.
I went straight from school to Mum's house to wait for her new beds to be delivered. I went from there to the Drs for Gabe's vax and then back to school to pick Z up. By the time I was rocking Gabe to sleep, I felt as though I would fall asleep before him. I flaked on dinner and got Darren to pick up pizza for the kids on his way here to pick up R. He flaked too so it's pizza all round tonight!
I've spoken to G, but it's frosty in the house tonight. I'm just exhausted, physically and emotionally. I'm so tired of having the same conversation over and again.
The daycare center was really huge and nice. I loved the people I met but I can't shake the horrible feeling I have about putting Gabe in childcare. I just can't do it. I can't. He's my adorable, sweet, happy baby and I can't live with the knowledge that someone else will be spending all that time with him at such a formative age. He's mine, my baby. How can I hand over my baby to another person to look after?
I told G this morning that I was shutting down. He got angry because we were both on our way out the door, he said 'and you want to have this discussion now?'. I told him I just wanted him to know that.
So now I wonder why. Why am I shutting down when he DOES try, he IS working on our marriage, so why do I feel so numb?
I'm tired - trying is so hard, I feel as though everything in my life is an effort. I know that's possibly the PPD, but I do believe that life is frigging hard too! I just want a partner, I want G to be my partner, to be an involved part of the family. He ticks the boxes to earn the points, but doesn't see the big picture. I don't mind being the glue that holds the family together, but I don't want to be the freight train that pushes it along. Is that so bad?
For example, I am putting off my study so that I can be there for the kids even once they go to school. I plan on working nights when I graduate so that I can still be there when they get home, and volunteer at school. I keep track of Zoe's schooling, do all the research required for any decision we make, keep the household running, remind G of things that need to be done and do everything that has to be done.
G works and helps out. I want G to help make the decisions (and help with all the work required in making those decisions!!) help by being an involved parent by being aware of the kids activities and goals, and help with the household chores.
We were laying bed last night, talking. G mentioned he was reminiscing about the times we spent at the caravan at Hornsea. After some silence, I asked him who we were back then. I wanted him to tell me who I appeared to be to him back then. He said some lovely things, that I was a happy soul, and it made me wonder if I still appeared to be that now. I know I'm not that, but perhaps I could still appear to be that.
I was struck by the thought that I have no idea who I am. I always thought it was such a crappy thing when I heard the whole 'mother leaves family to find herself' but I can totally understand it now. I don't know who I am. And that scares the s.hit out of me.
I was pondering it as I sat and ate my lunch just now. All of the things I say I want and the things I complain about. The person I was.
What I really want? To feel special. To be looked after, to at least FEEL that way. To feel as though I am on a pedestal to him, that I am worth going out of his way for, I'm worth it.
I was looked after back then. I was surrounded by his love, cosseted, indulged, pampered. He looked after me. I was everything that was special and wonderful in his life - and boy, did I know it.
I did the same for him. I indulged and pampered him in return. We were insulated from the world by our mad, crazy passion. Nothing else mattered but Us.
Look at Us now. Us is a family of five! I indulge and pamper our children and heaven help him if he expects any! God, look at Us now.
I woke up exceptionally early and couldn't go back to sleep because I could hear Gabe. I started talking to G and he seemed awake too, so I asked him if he minded if I brought Gabe into bed. He said 'ok, but he'd better not try any of that cute stuff with me'.
So I walked out and picked him up, thinking I wouldn't need to put a dressing gown on because it's my house and who cares if I'm naked! I was walking back through the dining room when I caught sight of Z outside, walking towards the back door, and she looked like she wanted to cry. I went to the door and asked her what was wrong. She started crying and said 'Evangaline keeps hurting the mouse'.
I reached into the foggy depths of my mind and vaguely recalled her coming in and telling me that there was a mouse outside this morning. Oh crap.
I hugged her and asked her to show me. So I calmly walked outside, naked, with a baby on one hip and a sobbing child clinging to the other.
We found the cat, flinging the mouse around, and I figured it was too late for heroic gestures on Z's behalf. I brought her inside and we all cuddled in bed for awhile. We tried to explain that's what cats do, but it was understandably a difficult concept to get.
We were playing for awhile when I heard a thump at the back door. I knew exactly what it was - that bloody cat! I went out and she'd thrown the mouse at the door and it was now stuck between the screen and glass doors. I pushed the door wide open and she took off with it again. Lola came over and Eva growled and just about ran inside until I shut the door! I watched for a little while, wondering what to do, then she helped me. There was an empty beer holder on the ground and she decided to put it inside..... Bloody smart cat! So I scooped it up and took it inside to show G. The girls wanted a look and it looked so cute and peaceful, all curled up in the bottom of the container, so i showed them. It was then I noticed.......it's chest moved slightly. Then again. Pause. And again.
So now I had a LIVE mouse in a container inside the house, with two little girls who were ooh'ing and ahh'ing over it.
The only humane thing to do was to give it back to the cat to finish off, if she;d stop throwing it around long enough to kill it. I thought about taking it to the Vet's, just to DO something, and assuage my guilt. But I thought I'd seem like a freak, so I gave it back to the cat.
We closed the blinds and made pancakes, and jovial conversation, to pretend to the girls all was well. Zoe kept asking to make sure we hadn't put it in the bin, I assured her I hadn't.
Sasha came up to me recently and asked where it was. I had a brainwave (or brain fart, I can't decide) and thought to tell her I'd buried it. This is how the conversation went....
"where's the mouse, Mummy?'
Pause. Umm, mouse....mouse.....oh yeah, right! Think of something nicer than 'the cat ate it', Vicki!! Think! Think!!
"sweetie, we buried it"
Yeah, that's good! It's what happens when things die. Wow, I'm so good being able to tie a life lesson into this! I'm too good!!
"uh, no. Bury. BURY"
Crap, why does the english language have to be so hard?!
"Berry? Where's the berries?"
"No, bury - like dig a hole, put the mouse in it, and put the dirt back on top"