Eating an Elephant one bite at a time

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Monkeymoo's picture
Joined: 08/15/04
Posts: 173
Eating an Elephant one bite at a time

I am Vicki. I am currently working through what makes me Vicki. My history, my experiences, my childhood, my loves, my children...... This place is where I want to continue those thoughts and the process of finding the special within me.
Like blowing my breath out in the winter for the pure joy of seeing it curl out like smoke - as if it's proof I'm alive and the unseen truly can be seen under the right conditions - so this will be too. Proof that I am alive and the feelings I have truly can be seen.

Monkeymoo's picture
Joined: 08/15/04
Posts: 173

I had to stop before because my Mum came back with the kids and some hot donuts. I enjoyed them with a cup of tea, it felt so winter-y and wonderful. Today has been overcast and rainy, a perfect winter day, and so cold too. I've always loved this kind of weather - the type that makes most people depressed. It makes me dream of warm, snuggly quilts and hot toast with tea.
When I lived in the UK (BC = Before Children) I used to spend days on the couch under a fluffy blanket and watch the snow float down. It was so deliciously decadent. The lifestyle was so fresh and exciting, it never depressed me. I don't know if living there for longer or with kids would have changed my attitude at all.

I feel a bit depressed right now though. I started bleeding again this afternoon. You know, you never remember when the last time was that you pee'd when there's no blood. I saw it on my panty liner and said 'uh oh'. Yeah, I actually said it out loud, as if I was a naughty 3yo.
I came out and told my Mum, then told G over msn. He's going out with work tonight and I half expected him to come home instead. But I suppose it doesn't rate very highly on his radar right now. That hurts a little.
So Mum's gone home and I've fed the girls, and I'm sat here trying not to move. As if that will help somehow.

It's been 15 days since I had my hysterectomy.

Monkeymoo's picture
Joined: 08/15/04
Posts: 173

I don't know where to start my story. The events that led me to my hysterectomy seem to be the most relevant, because I feel so defined by that right now.

I recently read Harvesting the Heart by Jodi Picoult. I cried throughout it. I was touched by the story of losing sight of what makes you special after becoming a mother. But what happens if, like me, you never knew what made you special before you had kids? What happens if, after completing your family, you discover something you're good at? Then days into commiting yourself to this passion, you find out you're pregnant again. Your soul won't allow you to give up this tiny spark of life inside you, and you find ways to be pregnant and still follow your passion. Then your pregnancy starts to encroach gradually on your passion, until it eventually forces you to stop. You have your baby and suddenly your body betrays you - leaving you shattered physically and mentally. There is no chance of returning to your passion as it demands a healthy body.
What happens then?

I feel so lost.

Monkeymoo's picture
Joined: 08/15/04
Posts: 173

I had a really strange dream last night - one of those that sticks with you when you wake. I curled up against G's back and wrapped my arms around him to push those lingering feelings away. His skin is always so warm.
He looked at me last night and I was struck by how blue his eyes are. He can make me melt with a certain look from those perfect blue eyes. Why does that not happen much anymore?

I'm currently seeing a counsellor for a combination of PPD and relationship issues. I'm finding it so helpful to have someone see through the emotions and make sense of them. I think sometimes I expect G to just accept my emotions, not fix them - and in doing so, make it impossible for him to help me work through what the real issue is.

Monkeymoo's picture
Joined: 08/15/04
Posts: 173

The bleeding stopped again and aside from a vague ache, I feel good physically.

I seem to struggle with mixed emotions regarding my hysterectomy. I feel a deep sadness that I had it done, but I don't regret it. I am just so gutted that it had to be done. The symptoms of my prolapse have gone and I feel great about that, but this sorrow persists.
I feel as though part of me is missing, a part that makes me a woman. Even though we were done with our family, I feel as though I am missing another child. I keep thinking 'oh, what if I got pregnant' and then remember, it's impossible. It's not possible for me to ever fall pregnant again. Never again will I feel the kick of a tiny foot or run my hand across my swollen stomach as a caress to my unborn child. I feel as though I am mourning that loss.

I seem to only ever get 10mins to post before I am interrupted by kids. I had hoped I could just vomit my thoughts onto the page and walk away feeling lighter, better. But it seems I am not allowed to!! Smile I struggle to keep my thoughts straight while I listen to 'Mummy, I want my tooth to come out', 'Mum, is she in the hospital?', oh and of course Friends is on..... Biggrin

Monkeymoo's picture
Joined: 08/15/04
Posts: 173

I'm just uploading some pics to photobucket and came across an old one of me, probably 8 months pregnant. It's ridiculous how big I was!! I was literally all belly/baby and I look at it and wonder how in the world any Dr let me go to term.
Then I feel overwhelmingly sad.

For ****s and giggles, here it is......

I feel as though I'm going crazy. Honestly. I feel as though I have this hurricane of emotion that tears through me and inside myself I am just a leaf blown out of control. I said to G last night, 'I don't know which way is up'. That's not just about my hysterectomy, but my whole life right now.
G seems to do just enough to make me question myself, but never the change he needs for himself and to make this marriage last.
For example, this morning I started painting and Gabe was in the lounge (I thought with G). I heard him whinging and then a really grumpy cry so I went out to check on him. G was outside smoking and said he'd be in soon. So I cuddled Gabe until G came back in. We had a sweet moment taking photos and G changed Gabe, I went back to painting. G then held Gabe while he watched TV. I started to get really ****ty because here I was painting and he was sat on his arse, as usual!!, using the baby as an excuse. When we finally sorted Gabe out (we put him in bed) G stripped the bed and put it in the washer. By this stage I had finished painting the 2 door frames I wanted to do and I was left frustrated and confused.
I don't know if I'm wrong for feeling angry that I was working whilst G held the baby. After all, he did end up doing *something* and he was holding the baby. But did Gabe really need to be held for that long? He could have put the baby in the chair and brought him down the hall so we both could have watched him whilst we painted. I don't know, is that just my frustrated expectations or a realistic thought? Is it that this is the norm which is why I am so sensitive to it? Or is it that we just had a conversation about this yesterday afternoon so I feel there should have been more effort from him?

I told G that I honestly don't want to change HIM, I just want his behaviours to change. That's the truth. I love him for who he is, but I can't make this marriage work for the two of us. I need his help to do that.
There are so many issues that I can see, that it starts to make my head swirl again. I spoke to him this morning about the way I feel inside - the way I am being made to feel by some of his actions. I cried and he held me until the kids came in.
I know my hysterectomy has alot to do with my feelings of un-womanliness (oh crap, is that even a word?) but he has a lot to do with it too. This is what I said to him this morning (to paraphrase slightly) :-
I feel as though having Gabe was a journey for me. Giving birth to him was a challenge I set myself and I succeeded. I feel proud of myself because it took so much strength, not just physically (and believe me it did to deliver a 12 pound 7 ounce baby!!) but mentally and emotionally. I was present for my whole labour and I handled it (mainly) with grace and a powerful sense of self. Afterwards took even more strength to handle, but I did. My prolapse and hyster has shaken me to my core but I am here and I have survived the experience. I am proud of what I have achieved. But I feel as though G has seen something in me that he can't move past. That he doesn't like and isn't attracted to. Oh, he tells me I'm pretty but something is different this time. Last 2 pregnancies he made an effort to make sure I knew he still found me attractive, but this time there is a gulf between what he says and what he does. And even what he says is lacking.
~~
I feel disgusting. I feel as though I disgust him. He doesn't grab me like he used to, I get a hug perhaps but he doesn't tend to touch me 'romantically'. I have asked for more repeatedly, I have told him what I want and how I want it. But nothing.
I snuggled up behind him in bed this morning and he let me touch him. I gave him a ha-j and thought 'f* the mess, let's make it like old times'. I got up afterwards to tidy up and the kids came in - nice timing! When I got back into bed I invited the dog up and we gave him some attention for awhile. After sorting the kids out I snuggled back up to G and we lay there, his arm alongside me, touching but not holding me. Any positive feelings I had started to curdle inside me and I started to feel awful. I didn't want reciprocation, but I did want affection and perhaps appreciation. I got out of bed and sat on the floor with my computer, reading until the feelings passed.

I feel as though that's how I cope. Pushing the feelings away so that I can cope, because I want things to be good between us so much that it's worth pretending everything's ok even when it's not.

We're both going to see the counsellor this week. I'm both looking forward to it and nervous about it.

Monkeymoo's picture
Joined: 08/15/04
Posts: 173

Alright then. The events leading me here.....I could go back, waaaaay back. But I won't. Wink I'll stick to the relevant story, Gabe's story.

So I was pretty depressed Sunday night, it was my EDD and I had never reached an EDD without a baby before. So I had a moan to G and fell asleep. I woke a few times during the night and felt very mucousy, I didn't let myself get excited though. I thought I had some contrax but thought I may have dreamed it as well. I woke at 6am with a few very irregular but painful contrax. I got up and wandered around, not being surprised when they stopped. I went to lay beside G in bed and had a big one as soon as I lay down. I lay there feeling as though the pain never really went away and 5mins later had another. It was mid-contrax that my waters broke (another first for me!!) and I jumped out of bed to stand on a conveniently placed bit of plastic and said 's.hit, s.hit, towels!!'.......
G leapt out of bed and grabbed me some, not before gazing blankly at me for 30secs!! I was wearing pj's and he couldn't tell my waters had gone, and in a big way!
I grabbed the phone beside the bed and called my Mum (it was 6:50am and she was supposed to work that day) and asked her to come around. She said 'are you sure this is it?' and I said 'well, my waters just broke.....' and she laughed and said she'd be straight around.
I got into the shower and felt a little disappointed that my contrax weren't getting harder, stronger or more frequent. In fact, they seemed to get better!! I didn't worry too much though because I knew I'd have a fight on my hands to go past 24hrs (not that I wanted to) so figured I'd be having the baby that day, regardless of what my body did.
G called the doula, Sally, and my BFF, Bek. I was over the moon that it happened that day because her DH wasn't working and could look after the kids, so I got the people I wanted after all!!
I washed the towels I had 'watered' and G came into the laundry and said 'WHAT are you doing?!'. I still felt really good so I pottered around the house, made some porridge and pecked at it, got Zoe ready for school etc.
It wasn't until about 8am that my Mum made the comment about peak hour traffic. My worst fears had been realised!! I had gone into labour at a time it would take me 3 times as long to get to the hospital!!! At that point I was having very mild contrax and the occasional 'big' one. I made the decision to wait for Bek to arrive and then we'd head off. I didn't have to get admitted, just being there would give me the peace of mind I needed that I wouldn't birth on the way or be forced to endure painful contrax on the way.
I was incredibly lucky and only had 2-3 big contrax that I needed to breathe through before we got there. I simply sat quietly, talking to G occasionally, and thinking 'this is it'. I still felt so good that I walked from the carpark with Bek and G!!
Getting admitted was fuss-free, I filled out the paperwork, had a large contrax which reassured me I was doing the right thing by going in and then we went into our room. That's when the fun started, literally. We were left alone for awhile and we just laughed and joked, it was really quite amazing.
Sally turned up and it felt so great to have all three of them with their hands helping me through contrax. Sally massaging my lower back and belly, Bek at my shoulders and G holding my hands. I had some beautitful moments with G, 'dancing' through contrax, that I will never forget. He was strong and comforting, my head fits neatly into his chest and nothing else mattered but us for that moment.
We laughed our way to about 11am and then I wanted to retreat for a little while. I asked for my headphones (instead of having my ipod play through the speakers) and I lay on my tummy over a beanbag and let everyone massage me. I couldn't believe how achey my lower back was, and I felt so much better when someone was rubbing it.
I really ought to mention my MW at this point. She came in while I was on the birthball, facing away from the door. Bek leaned over and said 'she looks really nice, young, blonde'.... She apologised we'd had to wait so long but that they had kept us for her and she had been busy. She told us that she did most of the natural births and her speciality was birth plans!! She looked over ours and was happy with everything we had requested. We talked about the times that it may not go according to plan and then said 'let's not focus on the negative though, let's have a baby!'. She was very hands off and let my team help me through the contrax, only occasionally listening to bubs. She never offered an IE but was happy to give me one when I said I wanted one at 12pm, she checked to make sure it was what i really wanted first. She let me take control of the situation and lay down when I wanted to and was very quick and gentle. She told me that I was 8cm and that I would be meeting my baby soon. When she checked contrax for strength and length I remember her saying to me 'I'm just a hand, just forget about me'. It honestly was as if she wasn't there for a lot of the birth but at the same time we created a relationship of trust.

It was soon after 12pm that I started to get vocal through my contrax. The MW, Lauren, came over and asked what felt different about that contrax and I said I think he's moving down. I took back more control of the contrax's after that but as the need to push grew, so did my fear. This felt very different to my last birth, pushing hurt - it didn't make the pain better as everyone kept telling me it should. At one point my pubic bone felt like it would split in two and I knew he was trying so hard to come out.
Bek encouraged me to get onto all fours as I'd expressed in my birth plan and it was then that I lost control over my fear. Pushing wasn't working, it hurt and instead of the powerful, productive pain I'd been experiencing previously, I felt as though I was fighting against something too big for me.
I ended up in a kneeling squat on the bed during contrax and lay limp over the beanbag between. Lauren came over and spoke calmly to me, explaining that I had reached the point that I had pushed for so long that it was becoming clear that I needed some help. (At this point I was drenched with sweat from working so hard and had asked them to pour the ice over me, which they did). I had started asking for pain relief, saying that I couldn't do this. The feeling that I was working so hard for nothing was overwhelming and I desperately wanted a break. Everyone was wonderful, telling me I *could* do this, that I didn't really want the drugs, I was so close.... I still chuckle when I remember saying 'no, you don't understand.....' Such a typical labouring woman thing to say, but I was trying to vocalise that this wasn't working.
I flipped back over to a side/back position and Lauren said 'Vicki, I can see your baby'. That quick change of position had done the trick and suddenly I was pushing with a purpose.

Lauren put up a mirror and for the first time, I saw my baby. I thought it would bother me to see the baby come out, but it gave me so much incentive. I remember Lauren saying 'see how much energy you have now that you can see him?'. She was right, I went from exhausted to pushing with power.
I still held fear about tearing as bubs crowned and I think it wasn't until I really let go of that fear that I became my most effective. Everyone was watching him coming down and I could hear the awe in their voices.
"Look at him, Vicki. That's our boy!"
"Oh my God, look at him come. You're so amazing!"
It was the voices and the positivity that made me close my eyes and just push with all my might. Lauren said, this is going to sting and burn, but it didn't as much as I thought it would. She said in hindsight that it was my controlled (read - scared!) pushing that stopped me tearing. I stopped when she wanted me to and gave little pushes when she asked for them. I totally trusted in her and let her guide me. I do believe that it was Gabe's size that made it that easy, he wasn't coming without the effort so I could stop if I needed to. Whereas Sasha came barrelling out like a greased piglet!
I had a vague comprehension that the head was out when Lauren said 'ok guys, we're going to need to use those techniques we practiced, his shoulders are stuck". She told me to push and said, 'give me a nose, I need his nose, Vicki'. I pushed so hard and then she told me to stop. Everyone rolled me more to my back and grabbed my legs and pulled them back to my ears (McRoberts manoeuver) while Lauren helped turn Gabe. Another MW applied suprapubic pressure and they pulled him out. It was incredibly painful and it was at this point I screamed at Lauren to get him out. She said 'he's out' and placed him across my tummy. He was grey and still but they left the cord intact and gave him some oxygen where he was. After a thorough rub he pinked up and had apgars of 8, 9, 10.
Lauren talked to me about his size and said that even though I had wanted a physiological third stage, due to the size of Gabe, she recommended I get the injection. I agreed and don't regret it, nor the Vit K I agreed to have administered to Gabe. We were treated with so much respect when things didn't go according to 'plan' and everything made perfect sense.

It was at this point I should have been listening to my body, but I was very tired and excused it all away.
I was having after pains which put my contrax to shame, but I knew they get worse with each pregnancy so put it down to that. I also asked Lauren to take Gabe to weigh him after 10mins which went against everything I had wanted. I was too tired to hold him and felt a little distanced from him. All of these things pointed to something more sinister yet I thought I was simply too tired.
Bek and Sally left to go home and the Dr came to stitch me up. I loved the Dr, she suited my funny-bone down to the ground. This is an indication of the brief connection we made:-
'Ok Vicki, you suck on the gas while I have a quick look to see if you've torn'
'cool.'
After some long breaths.....and some spaced out pain.....
'you've done really well, there's only very minor tearing, almost nothing worth stitching. I want to make really sure though so I'll just put the local in and have a better look'
'couldn't you have just done that in the first place?'
'oh, the local causes the flesh to swell which makes it a bit harder to see the extent of the tearing'
'convenient excuse for being a b.itch'
Laughing 'I'm not as bad as the midwives!'

It was after she had left that G and I were left with a snack, Lauren went to have her belated lunch as well. I had just finished a crumpet when I felt incredibly thirsty. I practically ordered G to get me my drink and drank the whole lot. He was walking the room with Gabe in his arms when I said 'I'm not feeling good'. He looked at me and I said it again and then told him to get Lauren. It took him seconds to press the buzzer but in that time I closed my eyes and let the flashing lights and dizziness take me away.
Apparently Lauren was in the room within a minute and then the room was full of people. I woke to this bustle but couldn't fully come to. I could see G sat near the bed with Gabe with a rather blank expression on his face. I felt terrible for scaring him so, but could only tell him I loved him with my eyes.

Lauren came close to me and explained that they thought I had retained some placenta and that I had two options. I could take some gas and they could check me there and then and hopefully remove it or I could go to theatre and undergo surgery. She told me I was a trooper when I said do it here. I didn't want to be taken from my son and husband - I would go through any amount of pain to avoid that, and I knew how much this was going to hurt.
I kept enough of my sense of humour to say 'oh, you're the b.itch' when my original Dr came in and held my hand. She joked that I could hold it as hard as I liked because she'd hurt me before. It was that hand I focused on through the pain, I wish she could know how much it meant that she did that for me.
The MW announced that I would need surgery, she couldn't get to the clots. I started sobbing, huge gut-wrenching cries from my soul. I had just had my baby, my huge baby, without any meds, it was the most amazing experience of my life and now this was happening. I covered my face with my hands and cried as if my heart was breaking.
Lauren came over and talked to me about how I could be so proud of what I had done, and that this was the best thing for me. She was replaced by the anethesiologist who again was reassuring me that this was going to make everything better and there was nothing to be scared of. He went through the required questions and they began to prep me.
I was still sucking the gas due to the pain I was in, and I couldn't stop shivering, my teeth were chattering. I looked to G again, he was still sat holding his son, beside my bed but out of the way. I whispered 'I'm sorry. I love you. I love you.'

The rest of the experience was quietly terrifying in it's own medically managed way. Once professionals get down to business they stop being empathetic, and this was no exception. I couldn't wait to sink into the oblivion of the general, just to get away from how I felt. When oblivion finally arrived, I fell into it dreamlessly.
I woke up to G's voice and immediately opened my eyes. I had been floating for awhile but it was him who pulled me like a magnet from my musings. The recovery nurse came in and said 'oh, you're awake. That was your husband but I've told him you weren't ready to see him yet'. I desperately wanted to see him so I forced myself to keep my eyes open and wake up properly. I watched another nurse come and plead G's case to be allowed in but they decided to bring Gabe in instead. Lauren brought him in and lay him beside me, she told me 'G didn't let him out of his sight for a minute. I'll go get him in a minute'. Though as it turned out another nurse had been the b.itch from hell and fought to keep him out (for no good reason) and G had decided to go get something to eat with my sister. I had told G to call her to come and be there for him, thinking he might need someone to help stave off the fear. It wasn't until I was being moved to the ward that I saw G. For some reason it wasn't until then that everything was all right. I had my son, my baby boy who we'd waited so long for - and I had my man, my comfort, my shelter, my home.

I guess my birth story ends where my life with Gabe begins.....

Monkeymoo's picture
Joined: 08/15/04
Posts: 173

Gabe was a wonderful newborn. He slept so well and BF like a champ. I adored snuggling in bed with him even if he was the noisiest sleeper!
I felt fantastic emotionally and was looking after the boys as well as my 3 AND cooking dinner every day. I had the house clean and tidy as well. I really felt on top of it all.
Physically was a different story. I had seen a physio in hospital who was very concerned about my muscle tone (erectus diastasis?) and recommended I take it easy. I was about 3 weeks PP when I noticed things 'down there' looked a little different. Being aware I was high risk for prolapse, I made an appointment with my GP who referred me to an GYN. He checked me out and diagnosed cervical prolapse with bladder and bowel involvement as well. We discussed options and decided on a vaginal hysterectomy due to my age and other factors. I got his quote to have it done privately but looked at going through the public system which involved a wait. It was only a matter of a few weeks and I had my date. The 7th of July.
The week before the op I got a serious case of cold feet. I told my Mum I wasn't having the op but didn't cancel with the hospital. I dithered for a few days but eventually decided to go ahead. My symptoms were getting worse and I didn't see how I could live like that indefinately.

The morning came of my op and I got up as normal. I got the kids ready and before I knew it my sister was here to watch the kids and my Mum, to take me to hospital. I decided at the last minute to take Gabe with me because he had an awful cold and was miserable.
Mum helped me check in and I shaved and got changed into a gown. I was nervous and just wanted Mum to leave with Gabe because I felt like I could focus enough to hold a conversation.
I sat in a waiting room with other women and felt occasional waves of nausea. When I was put on a bed and was waiting to be taken in I felt them coming more frequently. I was rolled down the hall and was left in a small room outside the op room. A nurse told me that they were finishing up with the previous patient and would clean the room before taking me in, but it wouldn't be long. The feeling of being in a McDonalds style operating queue made my nausea worse.
I was soon taken in and my kind Dr got me sorted out. I drifted off quickly. I don't recall being in the recovery room at all, which strikes me now as strange. I came to in the room on the ward and soon heard G come in. He cleared his throat and he tells me I opened my eyes very slowly but I felt as though I snapped to attention. Smile
I was terribly tired and spent a lot of time sleeping. My pain wasn't too bad, never above a 5 on my pain scale. I apparently stopped breathing when they gave me morphine so I was forced to stick to other drugs. I was dehydrated and not passing urine through the cath so I was given a couple of bags of fluid.
I slept for probably about the first 36 hours and then woke up and wanted to go home. I had my cath removed and had a shower. I felt a little shaky but really good otherwise. I got my prex filled and came home. The girls were happy to see me and I was so glad to be home.

I've really enjoyed having my Mum here to help out. I feel as though I'll look back on this time and be grateful for the time I had here all to myself. We spend all day talking, drinking coffee and playing with Gabe. There's life to take care of but it's been lovely to have her company while we do it.

Monkeymoo's picture
Joined: 08/15/04
Posts: 173

I had thought G and I were really making headway with some of our issues. I posted yesterday re $exual issues and we talked it through really well. I honestly thought 'yay, we're not in trouble after all!!'.....
I read a book about relationship issues and boundaries. I found it great to help me focus on MY behaviour and how it can affect HIS behaviour. But personal accountability was really it's primary focus. So I looked hard at myself and we talked in depth about my negative behaviours and how he can help me to change them. I set in place a very clear boundary for his overspending and we agreed on consequences. I was upset and disappointed that he never apologised nor took clear responsibility for his behaviour.

So after yesterday morning I looked at my behaviour and thought about how it could be contributing to his. I wondered if the reason he doesn't touch me $exually was because I moved away if he tweaked my nipples. So when he came in after my shower and did that very thing I asked him what he felt when I did it to him, and did it back. He laughed and moved away but kept coming back and hugging me while we talked. I explained (in a humourous way) that when he tried to tune me into China I wasn't turned on, but I liked it when he touched me in other places. We laughed together and I feel as though the point was made. I felt so proud that we'd really focused on the issue and it seemed as though we had achieved something from it.

Then last night I checked in with him on my behaviour. I wanted to know if I was doing well in curbing my control-ism because I want to change that. I was stunned and hurt when he said 'I was disappointed when you were talking to me this morning because after last week and taking responsibility for your feelings I feel as though you were blaming it all on me'. I readily admit my voice went up an octave or two and I got a bit narky. I couldn't believe he wanted ME to take responsibility for his behaviour!! I wanted to smack him and let him know he doesn't get off scot free from acting like an ***. So I'm not allowed to say how I feel if he hurts me?
We talked a little longer and I think the point of what he was saying was that I nailed him to the cross for the way he acted instead of talking it through and accepting he made a mistake. (After all, don't we all?) But then it turned into something else. I think he was saying that in terms of being a provider, he does that really well. I said that I thought he should focus on our marriage and family - the important things - and try to do them well. Hang the bloody job! This is where it gets weird. He was saying that the amount he earns IS important and I dosagreed - but he said it DID matter to me. I got upset that he was trying to tell me what I felt/ thought instead of listening to me TELL him what I felt/thought. I feel as though he is projecting his issue onto me. That he thinks it's all-important that he earns a lot of money, and me focusing on his overspeanding/lying about it makes him feel as though I am money-hungry.
The convo ended with me pointing out that my weekly budget is half the amount of his.......and him saying that the convo was going downhill. I took that as a sign he wanted to end it so I rolled over and went to sleep.

Monkeymoo's picture
Joined: 08/15/04
Posts: 173

This has been my first quiet moment in days. Even now it's not terribly quiet with Sashi running around, the tv on, the dishwasher clunking and the cat meowing at me. But I have some free time!!

Today is my first day by myself in 4 weeks. Wow, that sounds like such a long time, but it flew by. I'm going to miss having my Mum here and speaking to her every day. She's much too busy in her 'normal' life to speak every day so I really cherished the time we had.

Things are going really well with G. At least, I think they are. We had a hiccup this morning but damn, I love that man.
The counselling session was a wash-out, for me. I was so nervous I got a funny tummy but with all that's been going on with my bowels, it ended up in excruitating pain and I spent a total of 5 minutes in the room. I guess that gave G some time with Anne and from that perspective it was good. I spent all night in pain and had to see the Dr the next day because I was so concerned. I'm no baby when it comes to pain so when I said this was agony, it was severe pain. He gave me medicine and it's all good now, thank goodness!! I was terrified of that happening again.
Anyhoo, the session - little positive feedback from G though I keep pressing for something. I feel as though he is resisting looking inward, but I can see how it would be hard to change long-held beliefs about 'shrinks'. This is what Anne means when she says she can't help him if he doesn't want to change, I imagine.
He did a quick test to check his drinking habits which he tells me has revealed he doesn't have a problem. I want to believe him, and based on his current drinking habits, that may be correct - though I think that drinking the amount in one session that he does is a problem. I don't know. I'm happy to leave that one for our next session. I assume we will all talk about the test he took and check the answers.

Yesterday was simply amazing. I can't begin to describe how amazing he made me feel.
He had asked that we have a lazy Sunday morning, which I was most definately up for after our usual Saturday scramble to get the house ready. So he got the kids something to eat, put a movie on and we cuddled with Gabe in bed. He eventually made a proper breakfast for us all and I put Gabe to bed. I had just grabbed G and thrown him on the bed for another cuddle when the phone rang. It was Tab asking if I wanted to pop out with her to do some shopping. I said yes and got up to get dressed. I had my top off and cheekily flashed my breasts at G who was still in bed. He told me to bring them to him, which I did, complaining all the way that he would start something he couldn't finish and that he was cruel. He offered to give me a quick O and rolled me into bed with him. It was very quick but oh so delicious for it.
I then spent the day with Tab, running around getting things sorted for her garden. I was longer than I'd said I would be but G was wonderful, doing the grocery shopping and looking after the kids without complaint. When I got home he had transformed a corner of our yard from a mess into a gorgeous looking rock garden!! I was gobsmacked.
He then washed the cars while I gave Gabe dinner and helped a little. I put the roast on but he made the kids a seperate dinner and got our veggies sorted. We got the kids into bed and had our dinner - it was the most delicious roast he's done, ever! He offered to put a movie on and I said I wanted to tidy the kitchen first. I was sitting watching the end of a program when he brought out the last of the dessert for me and then started to clean the kitchen! I said that I'd do it and how guilty I felt, and he said 'I'm looking after you' which made me melt. I helped him finish up and we watched a movie together. Sigh.
I told him that he'd been so great, so alive, so switched on. He said 'good' and gave me a kiss. I want him like that all the time. Not so he'll do all the work, but so that he see's me, that he is fully a part of our lives.

I can't tell you the last time he gave me an O and didn't expect or get anything in return. Actually I can, it was very early on in our relationship, so around 2000/2001 sometime. Some people may gasp in horror, but that's just the way it is for us. I guess it bothered me a little, but part of me being so in love with him was always wanting HIM to be happy, even if that meant me missing out. There have been so many times over the years that I haven't been able to O for various reasons - usually medication induced - that it seems my needs kind of fell by the wayside. Maybe he also thinks I just know how he feels about me, that I don't need reminding occasionally. Or that because I can be so vocal about his attributes, that I'm happy with things between us in that way.
Anne and I spoke about how it has made me feel that while I was pregnant G didn't like to have s#x with me. For the first time, in the longest time, she made me face the concept that s#x isn't just physical. But that it's because we love each other, it's an expression of our love. So why should that change just because I'm pregnant? And carrying his child no less. Anne asked me how I felt that he didn't find me attractive when I was carrying his child. I didn't really know how to answer. Gutted, sure. Upset, sure. How exactly does a woman feel at something as unfair as that? How does a woman change something like that? That's how I answered, that it was reality and I couldn't change how he felt. She came back with the same again, it's about love and why should that change?
The reality of that is staring me in the face. He has changed over the years, he isn't the world's most gorgeous man - yet I adore him. I watch him sleep, I stroke his skin, I mould my body against his for the pure joy of feeling his warm skin, I grab his butt whenever I can. I find him attractive still. WHy can he not give me the same love and respect?

Our hiccup this morning.......we went to bed late and I'll admit to not wanting to get out of bed this morning! I did of course, giving myself 45mins to get out of the house. I felt that was reasonable given I only had to do breakfasts, hair, baby brekkie, get myself dressed and then go. G has to leave at around 8:10/15am. It was 7:50am and I was still doing breakfasts for the girls as well as Z's lunch (which is his job) and Gabe was crying, I called out and said I needed help - he got out of bed then.
I was disappointed that he couldn't get out of bed himself, and angry at myself that I got him up because I promised myself a long time ago that I wouldn't get him out of bed anymore. I feel as though I can't truly bask in how magical yesterday was because it's as if he wanted to do nothing today because of it. If we're keeping score, I can take a few more weeks off and spend them in the Carribbean!! That's not how life works, just because you were great the other day doesn't mean life can stop today.
I just feel it's now so difficult to tell him again how wonderful I thought he was yesterday. He doesn't want me to 'nail him to the cross if he makes a mistake', but how much of it is mistake and how much is pure selfish laziness?That's what I'm not getting - how is not getting up in the morning a mistake?
In my defense, I didn't go off at him and I kissed him goodbye which I may not have done otherwise. (I'll admit to having been juvenile and sulking when upset)

So, I love him - I adore him in fact - and I am frustrated by him. I don't understand him but I am trying.

Monkeymoo's picture
Joined: 08/15/04
Posts: 173

I have moments when I think 'I'm too tired, I just can't....' but then I do one more thing and another, then another. Once I get started I get into a rhythym and before I know it, I've finished what needed to be done. I think it's staring at the vast amount if work and seeing it as a whole that is so daunting. Breaking it into manageable tasks makes it so much easier to start. Eating an elephant one bite at a time.

We had our session last night and it was great. I would have preferred to go further into things, but I agreed that last night was pretty heavy for G. I wonder though, that I feel as though our sessions are a trip into my mind but I don't recognise the landscape. Is that not such a great thing?
A said it was clear there were some deep, unresolved hurts in our relationship and I thought 'yeah! What are they, I want to know'..... As if she had the answer from listening to me speak. Because I don't think I could say what they are. Is that me trying to pretend everything's good?
I was asked what I felt when G came home, and I answered 'nothing'. I said that I had done everything by the time he got home so didn't need his help, and that he was so detached from us that there were few other benefits. I hastened to add that it wasn't just myself who felt that way, but that when he had a work function a week ago the kids never asked about him - even when I put them to bed! A suggested that we work out an activity that G can do with the kids, that gives them his full attention. When it was put into words that he only gets 45mins a day with the kids (and does nothing special with them) it was a little shocking. I don't claim to have loads of attention to spare, especially one-on-one, but I do get time to focus on the kids.

Gotta run, one of them needs focussing right now.

Monkeymoo's picture
Joined: 08/15/04
Posts: 173

Yesterday was a really stressful, mentally-exhausting day. I'm getting together my application to lodge to start study next year. I hope very much that I will be accepted into a Direct-entry Midwifery course - my awful school record is still dogging me. I have to better my score by a whole heap to even be considered. I also have to write a 5 page Personal Competancies Assessment complete with in-depth referrals. I have one being written but my last boss hasn't replied yet and it's causing me some stress wondering what I'll do if she says no. It would be perfect if she would write one because I not only worked but also studied through that position, so it demonstrates many skills.
I feel so scared that I won't be 'smart' enough to be accepted. I know it just means more work, and a harder slog, but it will be heartbreaking to not recieve any offers. I just need to commit myself to a bridging course next year and try again - I need to organise my mind to accept that is my only course of action if I don't succeed. I will not give up.

Who am I kidding? I'm a quitter. If I don't get in this year I'll totally flake and do a short course and get straight into work. I'll tell myself it's because I can't afford (literally) to waste a year learning things I should have learnt in school. I'll also tell myself it is probably a good thing I didn't get through because I've been having doubts about putting baby G into childcare at his age. And I may have problems getting the care for his age group anyway.

Ok, so I got that out. I sound like a complete loser. That's exactly why I am where I am, a SAHM with no qualifications. I even have doubts now about the decision to give up riding. I know physcially it's the right decision, but I worry that it could possibly be my quitter attitude coming through. I really wanted to succeed though, I had so much passion and put so much effort in. How my life has changed from one year ago. I was on my way to the life I'd always wanted, riding, studying something I loved, working with horses every day. The study was so easy, because I loved the subject matter. I needed to work hard on my riding but I could ride every day. Then I fell pg, so what huh? I could still teach and study, I got permission to be signed off in reverse order so I could complete my riding test after I had the baby. It was all working out beautifully. Then the large baby, the physio who advised not to ride for 12months. Then the prolapse, the physio who advised longer and that I'd be at risk of another especially considering my age and riding so often. Poof. There goes my dream.

I don't know. Should I continue to push myself even with the risks? I don't even know if G would let me. Do I want to suffer with the effects of prolapse for the rest of my life? I have to live with it hanging over my head as it is.

Ugh. I haven't thought about that for days and I hate that I'm back there again.

On the G front - I felt a bit drained about the whole thing last night. I thought about it all too much and ended up putting myself in a mood, not that he noticed of course.
I just feel as though I'm pushing our life along, G included. He was making a half-arsed effort to spend time with the kids last night so I suggested they do teeth and books early so they could read for longer. They were all very happy with the arrangement and I got some down-time until Gabe woke up and I had to give him another bottle.
I hate that nothing happens unless I make it. Even though I don't DO everything, I am RESPONSIBLE for everything. That is exhausting and frustrating.

On a lighter note, Sashi is the cutest thing. I just had to talk to her about eating toothpaste and I ended with 'no morning tea for you'. She looked at me with this hang-dog look and said 'no lunch for me?' in this little, accented voice. I had to turn away to giggle and then turned back and said 'you can have lunch, but no MT. And eating toothpaste is very naughty'. I then sent her away so she wouldn't laugh with me as we tend to do when I need to chastise her.
I wonder why I never feel *angry* when I need to talk to her about being naughty. I feel frustrated and fed-up, but never angry. With Zo I always feel angry. I try so hard to make sure she knows she is loved by being more loving afterwards, but why does she cause that emotion in the first place? I'm sure A would attribute it to the situation after her birth and perhaps that is so. Being left with a baby, alone and a new Mum, dealing with PPD alone - I'm sure that caused some emotions to be transferred to her.
How awfully sad. I need to give her a cuddle.

Monkeymoo's picture
Joined: 08/15/04
Posts: 173

I just got off the phone with G. Little gripe coming up......

I was being flirty and suggestive - and I know that he had walked back inside - he barely replied and said he had to go. I felt totally shut down. I feel as though I keep making myself vulnerable and getting hurt.

Monkeymoo's picture
Joined: 08/15/04
Posts: 173

I am a relatively happy person IRL. Honestly! I am!! I read other journals and think how positive and charming these people sound.....and I know mine doesn't come off like that at all. Meh.

Well, it's Monday. Back to thinking about my Uni application and the usual fears regarding it. Still no word from my ex-boss as to whether or not she'll do a referral. I need to get started on my PCA anyway though.

I had a major tantrum from Sasha this morning, which is really out of character for her. She has started not wanting to open or shut the car door. She's been doing it by herself for ages but all of a sudden has developed an aversion. I wonder if she's had her fingers caught in the door or something - but I'm sure I would have noticed or she would have said something. I want to believe it's something other than laziness. I might swap her back to the other side of the car so I'm closer to help. Though that may be part of an issue as well. :oops: Perhaps I've 'helped' a little too much.
So she threw this almighty tanty in the driveway and I just walked inside. I had Gabe in my arms who was in desperate need of a feed and I figured I could watch her from the window while I fed him. I went out twice (while my poor wee boy screamed) to get her to shut the door but she refused. I eventually came back in and shut the front door. She got back in the car and sat in her seat for a second and then got out and shut the door. Sigh. How hard was that?

Mum called and we had a quick chat which was nice. I do miss our morning coffee together. And not having to rush in the mornings to get out of the house.
I was cranky again this morning because I got out of bed and made the kids French Toast w/ strawberries, tidied the kitchen, started Z's lunch, did hair, got S dressed, washed bottles and was trying to keep Gabe happy until I had time to sit and feed him. Garth got out of bed and came to get him, but took him back to bed! I was narky, even though I knew I should be grateful he was getting to SEE Gabe for the only time today.

Monkeymoo's picture
Joined: 08/15/04
Posts: 173

You know it's time to go back to bed when this happens:

"Sashi, be careful with your drink. If you spill it there won't be any more drinks for you tonight"

"Ok Mummy"

Crash. Tinkle.

"Sasha! I told you to be careful with your drink. Don't move while I get a cloth to wipe it up"

Crash. Tinkle. My hand, moving at the speed of light, knocks over my glass of water.

"So. Sashi. Do you want some juice?"

Monkeymoo's picture
Joined: 08/15/04
Posts: 173

Can I just say again, how excruciatingly cute my daughter is? I get to the point that I'm ready to scream and then she smacks me with a whole gob of cuteness.

We had another tantrum over the car door this morning. She had been outside for the longest time and I'd gone back out to finally sort the issue. It took us a good 5 minutes to get her to shut the door - this was after the original 15mins she was outside by herself.
We came back in and she sat on the foor to take her shoes off. I was wondering how to move past the emotions the whole process had evoked, for both of us, when she looked up at me, smiled and said, "That was fun".

Oh. My. God.

Monkeymoo's picture
Joined: 08/15/04
Posts: 173

I've got little C today, which as always has been fun. He's such a cutie, and makes life easier if you can imagine!! Who thought having more kids around was better?! He plays quite well with Sashi so that's always a bonus for Mummy time!!
They're currently sitting on the Rocking Horses, together, rocking away. Other than a comment, giggle 'I farted', they're quiet. Sasha is holding on so tight I wonder how the poor kid can breathe.

I was asked yesterday if I watched the Equestrian events on TV. I answered no because it breaks my heart, and got a funny look in return. This was a stranger at school....
I honestly think I heard the crack when my heart broke as I watched the Dressage on Saturday. Shoulder in, half turn on the center line, half pass - I just hurt inside.
I thought to myself today (when I gushed on about riding on the ATB) that I could just go back and teach, just to stay in the game. But how can I? I felt so smothered being stuck teaching wee kids anyway, and having to hand my older kids over when they reached the highest point of my ability to teach. How can I teach beyond my own riding capability? I can't, and that's that.
I loved 'my' kids so much. I loved teaching them. I loved the joy on their faces, and I loved how proud they were when we nailed something.

I need to move on.

Monkeymoo's picture
Joined: 08/15/04
Posts: 173

I want to scream at him, "look at me, Look at me, LOOK AT ME!!!!! SEE ME. See my pain. See my battered soul. See me. See what I have become and who I am. See what I have lost. See what I have sacrificed and see what that has done to me. See what loving you has done to me. I am stripped bare in front of you, you just have to look and see me.

His speech tonight was about how he doesn't ask for more money even though he works his guts out to earn it. He has worked hard this week, I give him that. However, I didn't ask him to work longer or harder. I also had to live with not having a husband most of the week.
It made me feel as though he thinks he has the right to ask for more since he earns more. So does that mean his budget is double mine because he earns the money.....and I don't. He *deserves* more but he doesn't ask for it, and that's his sacrifice.
My sacrifice has been my career, my body, my entire being.
I was going to have my dream wedding and move back here to study, except I got pregnant. I had the baby, had the stitches, the pain, the lack of sleep, the PPD. I stayed at home and looked after the baby by myself while he worked away. I lost my body and self esteem. I had another baby, more stitches, pain and PPD. I jumped between jobs that made me feel stupid and belittled. I worked through a third pregnancy even though I was sick to the core. I had my last baby, I had surgery, I had PPD, I had a prolapse, I had soul-destroying symptoms, I had more surgery. I have lost my uterus and my sense of being womanly. And somewhere in there, I lost myself.

So do I get more money?

Monkeymoo's picture
Joined: 08/15/04
Posts: 173

Currently, I am a full-time Mother to my three children. I have one school age child (5) and two younger children (3 and 6 month old). Preparing to undertake full-time study has required significant planning and commitment, from both myself and my husband.
I have booked my eldest child into Outside School Hours Care at her school and have spoken to her about attending. We have arranged for the occasional visit to let her transition slowly so that any issues that could arise can be dealt with before the start of my course.
My youngest children have also been booked into Childcare and we have visited the center to familiarise ourselves with the setting and staff. Both children will start their attendance prior to the beginning of my course, again, to ease them into the situation carefully.
Making the transition as easy and painless as possible will be our goal. Giving ourselves as much time as we can will assist in this, allowing me to spend time at the center or having them attend for shorter periods to build up to a full day. The children may need extra attention during this period which requires more time and effort from me. Ensuring I have that to give will be important to our family.

I am very much aware that I may be more restricted than most to the amount of time I will have to devote to my study. However, I believe that with a routine and understanding of my limitations, I will be able to apply myself wholly.
As evidenced, I have prepared my circumstances so that I will be able to attend full-time classes and practical components of the course. I have the support of my husband to allow me to study over the weekends. I believe it's important to maintain my focus in my children's lives, so intend to study as much as possible of an evening and blocks of time over a weekend. During exam periods I expect I will require more time and suspect that sleep may suffer as a consequence.
My lifestyle will be changed dramatically in terms of ability to socialise with friends in the manner we do now. Even the amount of television I watch will be affected, however remaining focused on my goal of becoming a Midwife should make the minor discomfort of missing a favourite T.V show bearable. Having seen friends and family 'disappear' during exam periods, I am aware of the focus of time and concentration required.
I believe that participating in the practical aspects of the course will foster my motivation to suceed as I will feel compelled to be professional, which means, to me, knowing what is required. It would give more opportunity to get realistic feedback regarding my level of knowledge, as opposed to a classroom setting only.

I have spoken with a Midwife regarding the opportunities available after the completion of my studies. It is vital that I can make this career work around my family as well as satisfy the passion I have for the job. I am aware of hours, shifts and issues that arise within this field. Low staff levels concern me, however I believe that is something to fight to change, not a reason to quit.

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Midwifery has been a passion of mine ever since I gave birth to my first child. I found the thought of becoming a student again daunting and it wasn't until I began studying to become an Equestrian Coach that I discovered my love of learning.
As a child in school I railed against learning because I found the lack of choice in subjects to be stifling. Various other reasons gave me a lack of interest in school work, and I spent hours simply reading. Unfortunately, this led to a low OP which supported a lack of belief in my abilities. Until I found something I believed in, I found study difficult and didn't believe I could suceed in a tertiary environment.
I found Equestrian Coaching by accident and even though I wasn't working in that field, I set my mind upon it. I contacted a local Riding Center and offered to work for free in exchange for the value of the experience. I was offered a position and began working as a stablehand. After a matter of weeks I was able to begin teaching young children the basics of riding and was given more responsibility as time went on. My studies started slowly due to the Equine Flu, however everything was new to me and was a steep learning curve. Once we were able to begin examinations I was able to throw myself into studying. I found the work incredibly easy to learn because it was fascinating to me. I was limited by my pregnancy, so my theory work was a focus and I was motivated to suceed regardless of severe morning sickness.
Unfortunately, I was diagnosed with Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction which meant I was unable to work. As the rest of my level's testing was practical based I was forced to put off further study. After having my baby I suffered a prolapse and since have had a hysterectomy. It is not advisable that I ride in the next 12 months, preferably not excessively at all. As my examinations are riding based and I am unable to teach beyond my personal skills, I have chosen to follow a different passion. It has caused me grief that I put such commitment into a course and that I am forced to quit.
In reflection, I can see the correlation between my passion for the course subject and my ability to focus and succeed. I intend to use the same passion and motivation to achieve at this course.
I feel quite strongly regarding education and support for women, from pre-conception to post partum. While my ultimate goal is to work on the Labour Ward, I see the value in education before women reach that point of their pregnancies and how this may affect the outcomes of many labours. Being someone who has suffered Post Partum Depression after all of my births, I have much interest in support for women in their post partum period.
I have spent many hours researching and reading about many aspects of conception, childbirth and it's risks, and the post partum period. Having done this for my own pursuit of knowledge and enjoyment, I expect I will find some of the subjects interesting and easy to master. Of course, I also expect that some subjects may be neither easy, nor interesting to learn. From experience, I know I will need to remain focused on my end goal and ask for assistance if I require it. I plan to use a tutor if I feel as though I am not acquiring the knowledge as expected.

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In my role as Coach I worked quite independantly and all of my study was self-motivated. My job involved teaching 30-60 minute classes to individuals in succession. I prepared a lesson plan for each lesson and was limited to mainly vocal commands to instruct the student. Time management was very important and was my responsibility. Many aspects of the lesson could affect the plan or timeline so I was required to be flexible within the class limits.
I prepared a lesson plan as a basis for teaching different students and would go into each lesson with a goal to achieve. Whether or not I was able to instruct according to that plan was based on the student themselves, and part of every lesson would involve revising information taught in previous lessons. If a student needed extra work in a certain area I would mentally amend the lesson plan to include revision, sometimes devoting the entire lesson to this. As a way to ensure consistancy in lessons, I would fill in a form for each student to advise other coaches what had been taught. This allowed for students to be booked with any coach. It was my responsibility to check each student's records before commencement of their lesson to prepare a lesson plan.

Another aspect of coaching was preparation of the horses. Students would be assigned horses based on their skill level and a coach may be required to prepare more than one horse before lessons began. When a conflict arose regarding availability of certain horses, it was important to be able to quickly find a solution so that classes weren't affected. Start and finish times were vital to be adhered to for this reason. I would arrive at work 30 minutes before my shift started to ensure I had enough time to tack up the horse/s, check my students and their information and prepare my gear.

Other than a basic course and one supervised lesson, I was responsible for the knowledge I gained to enable me to teach students. I was able to watch other coaches and observe training days for higher level training. I read books to increase my knowledge and wrote base lesson plans to cover a range of abilities. With this I was able to go into any lesson prepared.
I was never 'graded' on my performance or abilities, however, I had a loyal base of clientiel which I attribute to being good at my job. I always felt compelled to be a professional, so pushed myself to learn more even when it wasn't expected of me. I was assigned students with higher skills than what I had been trained to teach so I would find more information to help me grow as a coach. I used my student's attitudes to gauge my success, if they felt challenged then I believed I was doing well.

It could be quite stressful at times, as there was no break between classes. When one finished, technically, the other started immediately which was impossible. Staying on time was exceedingly difficult especially with so many other elements that could affect time-keeping, which were out of my control. However, working with animals and children made it imperative to stay calm and collected. I could not allow my attention to wander at all, as safety was essential. I found the best way to deal with stress was to focus on the task at hand. If a student was having trouble with a task and that was causing stress for both of us, I would try a different way of explaining or looking at the task. Some children were difficult to teach, for example, I taught High Needs children and a Disabled adult. It could be intensely frustrating at times, though I found it easy to step back and keep things light. Humour and a sense of fun kept things in perspective. I would keep the thought "Kids need 90% Fun and 10% learning" in the front of my mind.

In terms of my study, it was mainly self-led. I could choose what I wanted to study and in which order I wanted them examined. When an Examinator was attending the school I would advise what I required to be tested upon and it was my responsibility to be prepared for it. When a number of students were being tested at the same time, I arranged to practice skills with a student who was proficient in those skills.
My employer gave me permission to use their facilities and I regularly practiced skills that were required for the course, which I otherwise would not have learnt. To begin with I would study the theory behind a certain skill, for example, washing a horse. I used books and the internet to find information. I would then ask someone who competant in that skill to observe and advise where I needed to improve.

I was requested to teach a Holiday Camp of up to 25 children. I wasn't given any guidance as to what information should be taught, I was only told the days and times I would be responsible for the children. I decided that to enable me to teach appropriate information in a professional manner, I needed to write a plan. Firstly, I wrote out a list of basic information I felt should be included and sorted them into catergories. Then I estimated how long each section would take to teach. After writing a timetable that set out start times, breaks and free time, I inserted each activity. I took into account an order that relied on teaching basic safety first.
I taught 2 sessions of three days each. I was in charge of between 10 to 25 children at any one time. Whilst I was teaching basic horse management, every child had an opportunity to recieve a 30 minute lesson. I wrote down the order in which they were to ride and would need to break off teaching to ensure each child was ready to mount on time.

My Coaching position perfectly illustrates my abilities to be flexible, work independantly, time management skills and self-motivation. I worked and studied with little guidance or supervision. While I found this frustrating at times, it proved to be beneficial to my growth. I feel it has prepared me for a more formal learning environment and given me the skills to succeed there. I have proven myself to be able to recieve a set amount of information and then seek further knowledge based on my self-motivation to learn. My experiences have shown a talent for working to time constraints and organise tasks within set time frames. Working independantly without any outside performance monitoring has given me the capacity to be responsible for my learning and the techniques required to evaluate my achievements.

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As a Coach I found my verbal skills challenged and strengthened. I was required to teach using mainly my voice and so found using analogies useful. For example, when describing to a child how to use their legs whilst riding, I would ask them to imagine giving the horse a 'hug' with their legs.
When needing to demonstrate correct position, I would use a lunge whip to show the line from shoulder, through hip to heel. While an adult may be able to visualise the 'line', sometimes it was easier to show a child.

I have also previously worked as a Phone Operator for an Insurance Company, I would lodge claims and arrange repairs. Verbal and communication skills were paramount in this position. In particular, when writing descriptions of an accident, many questions needed to be asked before being able to write an accurate account of what occurred. It was not sufficient to simply input "A car hit the side of my car". I was required to draw the accident scene with words. So the version would become "I was driving my car in the left hand lane of a 4 lane road. As I drove through an cross road intersection, a car coming from my left drove into the side of my car, hitting the rear left of my car."
Many times, customers were still shocked from the accident and would find it difficult to put into words what happened. It would take skill to draw a complete version from them. There were also legal requirements to satisfy that some customers would find inconvenient and stressful, such as not being able to complete a claim without the driver's statement and owner's permission. Trying to keep the customer happy whilst maintaining protocol could be difficult.
This position came with many tools to gauge proficiency and I recieved feedback weekly regarding my progress. I recieved one of the highest 'scores' of a 40 strong team of Operators for months. It was easy to improve and sustain good scores when feedback was so readily available. Customer feedback was also important and a clear indication of success. I recieved my first compliment, delivered through my superiors, within my first week working on the phones.

My aptitude of interacting well with others will be a benefit during my studies. I will be able to use my experience in asking questions to flesh out an idea or concept, and be comfortable if potentially stressful situations arise.

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I completed Grade 12 which has provided a sound basis for further learning. I recieved non-formal training for my position as Operator. This involved a four week intensive course which focused on computer systems, phone manner, road regulations and legal issues.
I completed a short course through the Australian Sports Commision - Beginning Coaching General Principals. This was a requirement for my Equestrian Coaching Course. I was studying Introductory Level Coaching through the Equestrian Federation of Australia. I had a number of tasks 'signed off' by an EFA qualified Coach Educator. I was near to completing the Horse Management section of the course and had arranged to have the Riding Certificate waived until I had completed my pregnancy. With these two sections completed, and the other requirements satisfied, I would have been eligible for my EFA NCAS Introductory Coach Accreditation.
I had become proficient as a coach to young riders at the entry level of the sport. As previously mentioned, this involved study and the practical application of learned skills.

==================================================================================================

Monkeymoo's picture
Joined: 08/15/04
Posts: 173

ARGH!! This is driving me crazy!!!!!! I feel as though I am taking SO long to write this damn PCA.

Things have settled between G and I, as they always do. To an outsider we must really seem hot-and-cold but for the most part, things are very loving. There is so much love there. I'm too tired to think about it all right now. I honestly can't even begin to imagine why we have problems with my mind being so mushy!!! Ah well, at least that guarantee's a good nights sleep! Lol

Monkeymoo's picture
Joined: 08/15/04
Posts: 173

I feel as though I have totally isolated myself from my friends. I call my BF but aside from her and family, I just read emails and don't respond. I honestly am not trying to be rude, I just don't feel like replying. I feel as though it takes so much effort to do everything, and I only have a certain amount to give each day, you know?

Zoe has started lying again, it's so old. I said I'd take away a 'bunny home' she'd been working on (because I know how little taking away a proper toy would affect her) and she was initially upset. She got over very quickly and I was dithering over whether or not to actually throw it away. I felt awful for saying I'd do it because she put so much effort into it and as a family we were all getting involved. But I had to choose an item that meant something to her, and it appeared as though it did....then it didn't and I'm left feeling like crap.
I'm just so tired of the issues we have with her, they're not fun or cute or easy to move past. I keep having to remind myself that she's a different child to Sasha and to not expect the same things to work. Then when I treat her differently, I feel awful as though I'm favouring Sash.
I've read a book called Love Languages which explains a theory that we all give and recieve love in different ways. That a person can be 'loving' you but you still feel unloved because they are, for all intents and purposes, speaking a different language. There are 5 different languages and I can clearly see which each of my children speaks primarily.
Sasha is the 'toucher' which is mine and G's also. This makes things really easy for us all, because we just get each other. Zoe is a Quality Time person which is not working for us at all. G and I both zone out and do our own things, like work, tv, computer etc. and find Z nags and nags us for attention. She's also the one who will act out to get the attention whereas Sasha just floats around and comes for a cuddle when she needs love.
I was really struggling to understand the difference until I read this book. Though I still feel horrendous when I try to cater to the differences. Zoe doesn't really like touching unless it's on her terms. So I will sit on the couch cuddling S while we watch TV and Zoe gets upset with me - she will want to sit with me. So I share myself but as soon as S leaves the room Zoe will move away from me. Z isn't really getting anything from cuddling with me, other than being where she sees S happy. As if stealing someone else's happiness will make her happy. That's a sad thought.....
I have been trying to compensate for the ease of which we are able to love S - it's doesn't require so much of ourselves. So every afternoon we spend 30 minutes at the playground, at Z's request, and I sit close to where she plays so I can watch and give her attention. Other than keeping an eye on S from a distance and occasionally smiling at Gabe, I am able to praise and encourage her while she plays. Her idea of play is to show me the tricks she can do, and that's fine. I'm not a parent who enjoys going to the park like that, so it's been an effort but I'm able to do this every day. It seems though as if she now wants more and more. I struggle to give the other two a full 30mins of undivided attention!!
I don't know, I'm just feeling so tapped out. Writing my PCA has taken time and mental effort. I look after the littlies all day and am back being fully responsible for the house, as well as looking after D's 2 kids occasionally. I need some time out for me, so I'm certainly struggling with being able to give more of myself to Z.
She said to me the other day 'remember when you used to play with us?' and I thought 'WTF?'!!! I've been writing this PCA for a few days and she acts like it's been forever. She presses my buttons like you wouldn't believe!!

Monkeymoo's picture
Joined: 08/15/04
Posts: 173

I feel so much more relaxed today. G worked from home because I needed him to watch the kids while I went to my post-op check-up. So I was laid back about dropping Zoe off to school, there was no lugging the stroller out of the car and up the stairs and back again. Sashi and I had a race back to the car and we both finished together. We held up our arms and shouted YEAH, it was cute.
I pottered around for a little while, getting ready to go out. I decided to bloody well wear some of the nice things I own instead of not wanting to appear too 'dressed up'. So I wore a skirt and my knee-high boots, G made approving comments when I came out. Rather different from my sketchers and track pants!! I put Gabe to bed for a nap. After he went down I went to Mt O with Sash and met up with Bek. We had a coffee and then fossiked around the stores. We both bought ourselves something to wear and I had a pretend panic attack at the thought! Lol I haven't bought myself anything, especially clothes, since my birthday! Before then it was few and far between..... So I have a gorgeous, girly top which I'm really looking forward to wearing.
It was nice to have some time with Sash without Gabe, it's so very rare she gets me all to herself anymore. I know I was with Bekki too but she felt as though she didn't have to share so that was good. Because of this, I asked if G wanted me to take Zoe with me to my appointment. I picked her up and we went to the hospital. She was a star and everyone was gushing over her. I told her how glad I was that I asked her to come and how I enjoyed spending the time with her. She thanked me for bringing her - I was so proud of her today.
My appointment went well - he said it's looking great and healing well. I felt so relieved that it looks good, for some reason I;d been worrying that it would prolapse again - weird, I know.

Session with Anne tonight - will update later.

Monkeymoo's picture
Joined: 08/15/04
Posts: 173

So we had our session last night - it went relatively well. I was slightly disappointed that we didn't get anything meaty nutted out but we cleared a bit of air and started some good groundwork for the future. Next time we'll be working on financials and trust - I requested it after seeing how we got so sidetracked this time.

I have to admit to being the one who got us off track. A asked how change occurred and I was stuck on a comment she'd made and got upset, which led to us going down that path and totally forgetting the question.
She had mentioned that our issues were indicative of a lack of deep, emotional connection because if we had that we'd be in harmony with each other and our respective needs. It really upset me because I feel as though I do what it takes but he doesn't - which I said. She asked me to say it a different way because saying it like that cuts him off and makes him defensive. So I did, but I felt frustrated by that. I'm not sure why.
A asked us to not bring anything new to the session if we could help it, because then we spend the time getting into that one comment and not able to really work, which made perfect sense after last night. She asked us to try and talk about the issues we want to discuss and to come back to it if we feel it going down the tubes. The reason I specifically asked to discuss the trust and money issue is because I feel as though we always approach it from the same perspective and we get nowhere. He gets defensive and I get angry and upset. Last Friday night being the prime example.....

We are supposed to be going out for drinks tomorrow night after work (G's work of course, as a SAHM I work longer hours.....:P) and take Erin so we can introduce her to some of the single guys G works with. It will be nice to get out for a few hours, so hopefully she has a good time too.

I have to go pick up Z now. I forgot her the other day, I was in the midst of writing and the kids were silent for a change.....time just slipped by and then the phone rang. It was Tab and I looked at the clock and just about had a heart attack!! I asked her to go because Gabe was still asleep and I knew it would take me ages to get in the car and there. So my darling sis saved my bacon, with Z too because it was such a treat she was picked up by Tab, she forgot to be upset I wasn't there and was late.

Monkeymoo's picture
Joined: 08/15/04
Posts: 173

The Sasha situation...... How wonderful is she?! After that difficult week she is now proudly closing her own door. She shouts 'I'm going to shut my door all by myself' every time we stop the car, and so she does. How did we get here? She had asked me to help her push, so I placed my hand on the door but didn't push.....then I told her what I'd done and that she'd done it all by herself. She was so proud that she did it again.....and the rest is history.

For the second time this week Zoe fell on her head......I'm starting to wonder if we need to avoid the playground!! Yesterday she fell on her face, so has a wonderful bruise up her face, from her lip to eyebrow.
I'm just at a loss as to how to deal with her. I tried to make her feel better by telling her that she's great at tumbling and what a great job falling she did. :shrug: That works with Sash and has worked for her before. It's what my folks say, and other parents that I've heard.... But when she was talking to G on the phone afterwards, she said 'Mum said I'm great at tumbling and I hate it when people say that to me when I hurt myself'. I just feel as though everything I do with her is wrong.
On the way home we stopped and I bought her an ice-cream (because she'd hurt her mouth as well and I thought that would be nice) and she perked up at that. But then she was a little monster for the rest of the afternoon, being horrible to Sasha and quite rough.
This morning, we'd just got out of the car at school and the bell went. It was just for the big kids, prep doesn't start until later, but she said 'oh great' in perfect imitation of a sarcastic teenager. I just about lost it, I felt as though she'd been on my back since the second I'd gotten up this morning, and wtf is with the attitude from my 5yo?!!!!! Mummy, you have to take me to the dentist. Mummy, you haven't spoken to the OSHC people. Mummy, you haven't started dinner. F%&k me!! It's like I'm Julia Roberts in Sleeping with the Enemy except it's my child and I can't run away!!!!
I get that I'm not the perfect mother, I'm forgetful and vague, I'm grumpy sometimes, I like to have time for myself and not devote every waking second to my kids. But give me a farking break, kid! I'm doing my best.

Sigh.

I hate that I can see so clearly that I like my younger two more than Z. I know she feels it, and I try, I try so DAMN hard not to let her feel it. I try to love her in the way she needs and be the Mummy she wants. But it's not me, and it's so hard to be someone I'm not. It's harder that I don't have to be someone else with the other two, so it looks like I love them more. I don't, I just love them effortlessly.

Monkeymoo's picture
Joined: 08/15/04
Posts: 173

Crazy few days really. The house is back on the market, I just want it to sell. I took it off because I was so worried I'd feel the way I do - I am literally ready to drop the price another 20 grand just to offload the damn thing. I feel it like a millstone around my neck and want to feel free again.

I'm getting together with J on Thursday which will be nice. We're off to CC because I'll have Cody and it's his birthday today, I thought he'd like to have a fun day playing with Sash.

I took Mum to get her BCC removed today. I know she was worried about it and I'm glad I went with her. The kids were really quite good, Gabe was laughing and having a ball while we waited and Mum told me she was trying to focus on that and not think about it. I'm glad she had one last cuddle before she went in because with the stitches, she'll be unable to hold him for awhile. Gosh, he;s such a heavy boy!! It was funny, she said she felt bad for not being able to help me get everything back into the car or not cuddling Gabe and I said 'Now you know how I felt!'...... I think it was actually worse when it was my own baby, because I didn't feel as though she should have been helping me anyway, so there was nothing for her to feel bad about!

We had a coffee afterwards so I wouldn't arrive too early at school picking up Z. So I was feeling perky when I got there. I was hanging off the monkey bars like a kid. I usually sit and watch Z on a particular seat but most days have a chat with another mother I've known for awhile. Our girls went to dance class together when they were about 3yo. I hadn't seen her since then until Z changed schools, and it was nice to know someone. The mother's have been nice and all, but it's not the same as the last school. Today really sucked and I don't know if it's just me and my PPD. Sad
On Friday I was talking to this mother and her friend came over so we were all chatting for ages while the kids played. It was rather nice and I felt like I'd finally 'fitted in'. So today, feeling perky and chatty, I felt blah when they stood a couple of meters away and talked together. What a stupid thing, right? They're friends and who I am to insist they speak to me?
As soon as I started to feel yuck, I got the kids together and left. I'm trying really hard to not wallow in yuck feelings, and it really does work. I'm wallowing a little now, I guess mainly to try and figure it out in my head. It's such a silly thing and I don't want it to taint how I go in tomorrow.
Really, I think the issue is I don't get the same comfortable feeling I had at the last school. I had a good friend there (ironically, another friend from dance class whom I hadn't seen since) and everyone was so chatty. It's not awfully fair to say the ladies at this school aren't nice, because they are and have said hello. I guess I wonder if I'm a little stand-offish because of my PPD and it's affecting how other's approach me.
I had a moment when I felt so crappy because I'd really like to make some new friends. Ugh, getting over it.

Monkeymoo's picture
Joined: 08/15/04
Posts: 173

I think there's something seriously wrong with me. I had a choice between March of the Penguins or Australian Idol. I thought I'd watch the penguins because I love nature type shows. I got as far as the lone penguin and his slim chances of survival before I changed channels.....I told G I couldn't handle dying penguins tonight. Then a scottish woman came on and talked about making her kids proud and cried - which set me off. I sat with a mouthful of chicken cacciatore and cried. Ok, what?
I get I shouldn't watch tv when I eat because if this carries on I might choke. This is craziness!!! I literally went from crying to laughing my *** off when Kyle got his a.ss kicked by some wrestler dude. Then I got upset again when I was channel surfing and caught sight of some baby penguins. I think I'm going crazy. Or maybe I'm already there.
Signing off from Crazyville. See you later in Loonyton.

I finally visited the daycare center this afternoon. I have the littlies booked in and thought I might start Sashi one day a week, just for the exposure. She isn't getting the skills here at home with me and I worry about the fine and gross motor skills, let alone the mental development, she's not having stimulated.
There was nothing really wrong with the place, I just didn't get a nice vibe from it. The baby room was rather small and even though I knew one of the carers, I felt awful for the kids. It really struck me how it seemed like they were just stuck there while they're parents were working. I didn't feel any love or extra care for the wee things and it broke my heart. I know the carers were speaking to me which is why their attention wasn't on the kiddies, but I found it hard to picture them really interacting with the babes. Oh, I feel so hurt and sad thinking about my darling boy being there.

Sashi was not very happy. She stuck to my side almost as soon as we arrived, which I took to be a bad sign. We had been there about 30mins before we decided to see if she'd play in the playground. This is the child who runs to play the second she see's a park, but today it took a lot to get her to leave my side. I don't believe she knew I would be leaving her there eventually, and besides, she has been asking to go to 'Kindy' for ages. She is familiar with Z's kindy because we used to drop off and pick her up there, so I guess that would explain the excitement, but I can't help but feel she's telling me something - something my gut is also saying that I don't want to hear.
Sad
I have an appointment tomorrow to go into a different center, one that is highly recommended in the area. I *loved* the lady I spoke to on the phone and hope that it's as good there as I have heard.

Fingers crossed.

Monkeymoo's picture
Joined: 08/15/04
Posts: 173

So I went to the other center......which is a story in itself.

G had worked late the night before so was laying in bed and said he'd catch a later train so i could just drop Z off by myself. I told him I had stuff to do but I could drop him to the station - but could he get up and HELP me. He changed Gabe's nappy, propped his bottle, and helped Z find something to take for show and tell. I of course, got breakfast for the girls, did hair, made lunch, got snacks and drinks for S, cleaned bottles, made up bottles, got the bottle G gave to Gabe, cleaned the kitchen, got S dressed and everything ready to go out. I was pretty annoyed to say the least. I dropped Z off, who was being a royal PIA, and on the way to the station asked G if he would come to the center with me. It was a split-second decision required, and I thought seeing as there was 50mins before the train he'd offered to catch, he might come with me.
He wavered before saying yes but it could only be quick. I told him not to bother and he did the typical 'no, really'. I tried to leave my voice calm before replying. I'm not really sure where the confusion of communication was, he quite obviously didn't want to go with me. He talked afterwards, but it was like he was speaking a different language, I just didn't get what he was trying to say. He was thinking he could make an earlier train - right, got it. But why was it ok for him to get a later one when he was offering from bed, but not ok when it meant going to the center with me?

Last night he had a work function. I use that term loosely, because it was basically a glorified pis.s-up, he just got to do it with higher-ups. I certainly didn't care that he went out, I did care that it got to 10pm without a call though, not even to say goodnight to the kids. I called him and he asked me to call back in 4mins because 'he was having a chat'. I was in bed so I didn't bother but he called me back. We spoke for awhile and he used lack of credit on his phone as the excuse to why he didn't call. Valid, but crappy excuse.
He woke me up at 1am when he came in, then Sasha did at 2:30am and finally Gabe at 4:30am. By the time I dragged myself out of bed this morning I felt battered. It was an early start because Zoe was singing with her class in Chapel, something she'd been talking to me about for days. I did the usual morning routine and was out the door on time - all while G laid in bed.
I was angry, not for myself (even though it did upset me) I was angry for Zoe. She kissed her Daddy goodbye and he was in bed sleeping, he couldn't be bothered to get up to come and watch, the extra sleep was more important. Bloody hell, if anyone had excuses not to go this morning, it was me!! But I knew how important it was to her, and that matters.
I went straight from school to Mum's house to wait for her new beds to be delivered. I went from there to the Drs for Gabe's vax and then back to school to pick Z up. By the time I was rocking Gabe to sleep, I felt as though I would fall asleep before him. I flaked on dinner and got Darren to pick up pizza for the kids on his way here to pick up R. He flaked too so it's pizza all round tonight!
I've spoken to G, but it's frosty in the house tonight. I'm just exhausted, physically and emotionally. I'm so tired of having the same conversation over and again.

The daycare center was really huge and nice. I loved the people I met but I can't shake the horrible feeling I have about putting Gabe in childcare. I just can't do it. I can't. He's my adorable, sweet, happy baby and I can't live with the knowledge that someone else will be spending all that time with him at such a formative age. He's mine, my baby. How can I hand over my baby to another person to look after?

Monkeymoo's picture
Joined: 08/15/04
Posts: 173

I told G this morning that I was shutting down. He got angry because we were both on our way out the door, he said 'and you want to have this discussion now?'. I told him I just wanted him to know that.

So now I wonder why. Why am I shutting down when he DOES try, he IS working on our marriage, so why do I feel so numb?
I'm tired - trying is so hard, I feel as though everything in my life is an effort. I know that's possibly the PPD, but I do believe that life is frigging hard too! I just want a partner, I want G to be my partner, to be an involved part of the family. He ticks the boxes to earn the points, but doesn't see the big picture. I don't mind being the glue that holds the family together, but I don't want to be the freight train that pushes it along. Is that so bad?
For example, I am putting off my study so that I can be there for the kids even once they go to school. I plan on working nights when I graduate so that I can still be there when they get home, and volunteer at school. I keep track of Zoe's schooling, do all the research required for any decision we make, keep the household running, remind G of things that need to be done and do everything that has to be done.
G works and helps out. I want G to help make the decisions (and help with all the work required in making those decisions!!) help by being an involved parent by being aware of the kids activities and goals, and help with the household chores.

Monkeymoo's picture
Joined: 08/15/04
Posts: 173

We were laying bed last night, talking. G mentioned he was reminiscing about the times we spent at the caravan at Hornsea. After some silence, I asked him who we were back then. I wanted him to tell me who I appeared to be to him back then. He said some lovely things, that I was a happy soul, and it made me wonder if I still appeared to be that now. I know I'm not that, but perhaps I could still appear to be that.
I was struck by the thought that I have no idea who I am. I always thought it was such a crappy thing when I heard the whole 'mother leaves family to find herself' but I can totally understand it now. I don't know who I am. And that scares the s.hit out of me.

I was pondering it as I sat and ate my lunch just now. All of the things I say I want and the things I complain about. The person I was.
What I really want? To feel special. To be looked after, to at least FEEL that way. To feel as though I am on a pedestal to him, that I am worth going out of his way for, I'm worth it.
I was looked after back then. I was surrounded by his love, cosseted, indulged, pampered. He looked after me. I was everything that was special and wonderful in his life - and boy, did I know it.
I did the same for him. I indulged and pampered him in return. We were insulated from the world by our mad, crazy passion. Nothing else mattered but Us.

Us.

Look at Us now. Us is a family of five! I indulge and pamper our children and heaven help him if he expects any! God, look at Us now.

Monkeymoo's picture
Joined: 08/15/04
Posts: 173

Oh, what a wonderful morning!!!

I woke up exceptionally early and couldn't go back to sleep because I could hear Gabe. I started talking to G and he seemed awake too, so I asked him if he minded if I brought Gabe into bed. He said 'ok, but he'd better not try any of that cute stuff with me'. Wink
So I walked out and picked him up, thinking I wouldn't need to put a dressing gown on because it's my house and who cares if I'm naked! I was walking back through the dining room when I caught sight of Z outside, walking towards the back door, and she looked like she wanted to cry. I went to the door and asked her what was wrong. She started crying and said 'Evangaline keeps hurting the mouse'.
I reached into the foggy depths of my mind and vaguely recalled her coming in and telling me that there was a mouse outside this morning. Oh crap.
I hugged her and asked her to show me. So I calmly walked outside, naked, with a baby on one hip and a sobbing child clinging to the other.
We found the cat, flinging the mouse around, and I figured it was too late for heroic gestures on Z's behalf. I brought her inside and we all cuddled in bed for awhile. We tried to explain that's what cats do, but it was understandably a difficult concept to get.
We were playing for awhile when I heard a thump at the back door. I knew exactly what it was - that bloody cat! I went out and she'd thrown the mouse at the door and it was now stuck between the screen and glass doors. I pushed the door wide open and she took off with it again. Lola came over and Eva growled and just about ran inside until I shut the door! I watched for a little while, wondering what to do, then she helped me. There was an empty beer holder on the ground and she decided to put it inside..... Bloody smart cat! So I scooped it up and took it inside to show G. The girls wanted a look and it looked so cute and peaceful, all curled up in the bottom of the container, so i showed them. It was then I noticed.......it's chest moved slightly. Then again. Pause. And again.
Oh crap.
So now I had a LIVE mouse in a container inside the house, with two little girls who were ooh'ing and ahh'ing over it.
Bloody cat.

The only humane thing to do was to give it back to the cat to finish off, if she;d stop throwing it around long enough to kill it. I thought about taking it to the Vet's, just to DO something, and assuage my guilt. But I thought I'd seem like a freak, so I gave it back to the cat.
We closed the blinds and made pancakes, and jovial conversation, to pretend to the girls all was well. Zoe kept asking to make sure we hadn't put it in the bin, I assured her I hadn't.
Sasha came up to me recently and asked where it was. I had a brainwave (or brain fart, I can't decide) and thought to tell her I'd buried it. This is how the conversation went....

"where's the mouse, Mummy?'

Pause. Umm, mouse....mouse.....oh yeah, right! Think of something nicer than 'the cat ate it', Vicki!! Think! Think!!

"sweetie, we buried it"

Yeah, that's good! It's what happens when things die. Wow, I'm so good being able to tie a life lesson into this! I'm too good!!

"Berries?"

"uh, no. Bury. BURY"

Crap, why does the english language have to be so hard?!

"Berry? Where's the berries?"

"No, bury - like dig a hole, put the mouse in it, and put the dirt back on top"

Damn fine explanation, Vicki!!

"A hole? Where? Can I see it?"

Uh.........

So a fine morning was had by all. Smile

Monkeymoo's picture
Joined: 08/15/04
Posts: 173

It was a nice morning, regardless of our mouse-related drama. We spoke to each other instead of being zombies in a hurry to achieve all that needs doing before we leave the house. I feel like I really saw G this morning, not his trance-like doppelganger.

We left the house at the same time, I spent a leisurely hour at school, having coffee whilst the kids played. It was nice to speak to the Mums and teachers, though it seems to be the same Mums who make the effort. I'm not complaining at all, it gives more chances to cultivate friendships. One of the Mums even suggested we catch up on the weekend so our kids can play, so I was really happy I went. There's a Mums dinner next week and I will definately be there.

G mentioned my hair last night. He said something like "putting my hair in piggy tails even though it was too short" when we were reminiscing. So this morning I put my hair in pig tails for him. He smiled when he caught the reference.
He put on a suit jacket with his jeans and asked me if he looked alright. I thought he looked hot and told him so. He said he was making an effort with his appearance and I smiled.

Monkeymoo's picture
Joined: 08/15/04
Posts: 173

I had a great weekend. Darren and the boys stayed for dinner on Friday night, we fed the kids early and then ate while they watched a movie. Darren told us about his trip to Canada and we checked out his slideshow. There was much hilarity over whether or not he got laid and if we could pick out who we thought it was. It was red wine induced hilarity, though I did find his reluctance to kiss and tell quite amusing.
I was still in a wonderful haze after the kids had gone to bed and I dragged G into the bedroom. I feel as though we peeled back our barriers and melted into each other. It was truly making love, not $ex, it was opening our eyes and seeing each other, loving each other.
We lay in each others arms afterwards and talked, truly talked. I told him that I wanted to be loved the way he used to love me, and he said 'don't you see that when you look at me?'. I answered honestly, no. He was looking into my eyes when he said, 'then maybe you haven't been seeing me'.
The tears gathered in my eyes and began to roll down my face. For all his faults, has my pain been of my own making? Have I become so numbed by the drudge of everyday life that I don't see him anymore? Has he become to me simply a sum of all his faults?

I felt pretty rough getting up the next morning, even though I only had two glasses of wine, apparently I'm getting old too..... I'll give my bosy the benefit of the doubt and say that I haven't been much of a drinker recently. Lol I have promised myself that I won't drink on a Friday night again, because cleaning the house for an inspection the morning after is a bit much!
We only had one couple through, and no response which seems less than promising. I will speak to the agent this week about the price and go from there.
We went to Mum and Dad's for the duration, and relaxed a little. We pottered around for the remaining hours of the afternoon.
Sunday had a luxuriously slow start, I even had breakfast in bed. Could food get any more decadent, being served in bed? We had migrated outside after Gabe fell asleep on our bed and were trying to think of things to do while he slept. My eyes lit upon a particularly messy corner of the garden and I had the sudden urge to tidy it. So after grabbing shoes for us both, G and I picked up tools and got cracking. It looks really good even though we're not done, just a lot tidier. I want to get a cubic meter of bark chip delivered and cover the garden beds with it, just to make the place look nicer. Next weekend.....
Gabe gave me a fright when i went back into our room to check on him. I swung the door open and could see the place I;d left him, and was fully expecting to see him, and he wasn't there!! He'd rolled over so I couldn't see him until the door swung wider. Talk about having a heart attack!! I have vowed to not leave him sleep on a bed ever again. Ok, maybe when he's 16.
He did that the other day, I went into his room and opened the curtains, chatting to him the whole time. I turned around and the cot looked empty! He'd scooted backwards down the cot and I couldn't see him through the change table. Boys!

So after he woke up we got ourselves ready and went shopping to find G a new pair of jeans. Ooh, exciting! We had a good wander and found a really funky pair for him, reasonable price too. I still had a gift voucher for LJ and so tried a couple of things on, I got a summer dress and a pair of shorts. Both rather risque and short - but hey, I've still got it, baby!

We then went to the park nearby and had a play. Gabe got to dangle his feet in some sand, which was rather cute to watch. His face showed such surprise.
The girls and I sailed the ship to Daddy Island, away from pirates, paddling with all our might. We reached land safely and discovered a spaceship that we bounced and jumped on until Mummy was exhausted.

I've found Z exceptionally difficult all weekend. I'm at a loss. She is being really mean and rough with both the kids, I feel as though all I do is tell her no. I'm trying to figure out what I'm doing wrong, because it has to be my actions that is causing her to act this way, And my actions are the only things I can change.
I am not shouting, I am expressing disappointment, not anger. I am making time for her, we even gave her back the bunny home because of a second chance, and G bought a 'bunny' which she got to discover on Saturday morning. G sat and remodelled the bunny home this morning, and we've allowed him to come everywhere with us. We're really pandering the whole idea because she's shown such passion for it, we let her have carrots and sleep with the whole house thing. It's taken over everything and we're rolling with it. So why the attitude?

More on that tomorrow. Time for bed. It's late and I have a rather dishy hubby I need to snuggle suggestively.

Monkeymoo's picture
Joined: 08/15/04
Posts: 173

I think I will need to rename this blog to something about my cat since she appears to want to star in every installment.... I shall also rename her - Bloody Cat it shall be!
I was sat in my usual comfy chair, feeding Gabe, and hoping he would drift off. Eva came in, jumped up on the chair and walked right up onto Gabe and lay down. He stopped drinking and looked into my eyes, as if to say, WtF? His hand drifted slowly down from where it was resting against his bottle, and gently touched her fur. I checked to make sure her claws weren't digging in or pressing on any important bits, and he giggled. He went back to his serious expression and resumed drinking. His eyes closed gradually and Eva began to purr.
Riiiiiiiiight.

Ok, now an amusing story about my eldest, seeing as she cops a lot of flak in this blog. She's pretty cool, all things considered. This is one of her finer moments, seeing that we're raising punks.
Her bunny had been taken away from her for being mean to her sister. I had been half bugged to death to get it back, and I finally lost my temper.

"Zoe, you will not get it back until I decide, so stop asking!!"

"ok, Mummy."

Pause. I could almost hear the dooby-do music. I think it was the Girl From Epanema.

"Mummy?"

"Yes, Zo."

"Mummy, that shirt looks really good on you"

I have to wonder who taught her that flattery goes a long way. Who knows. Maybe Sashi is passing along her tricks of the trade. Yesterday I swear she fluttered her eyelashes at me! It totally worked, but where are they getting these from? There's some evil child at school teaching schoolyard lessons - Manipulating Parents 101.

Monkeymoo's picture
Joined: 08/15/04
Posts: 173

Ok, I'll admit it. I have a total schoolgirl crush on a Dad from Z's school. I see him most mornings and he walks past me with a gust of expensive aftershave-scented air and I giggle. He's tall, broad shouldered and good-looking. Reminds me a lot of G actually. *laughing* Saying that, I have rather a heavy crush on G. Damn, his arse looked so fine yesterday. I really do stop myself drooling over him - I like to be chased, I don't like chasing all the time. I'm totally easy anyway so i figure I should play a little hard to get. I said in utter disbelief last night, 'I've been laying her with my breasts out for 35mins and you haven't looked at them once!'.
He said 'I have! I just thought you wouldn't appreciate me playing with them while you talked.....' *laughing*

I had a little freak-out this morning and had to shut the door so the kids wouldn't hear me. Zoe got on my case again and I just about exploded in a spray of little Mummy bits.
I told G it was like having a Mummy devil on my shoulder saying 'you haven't done this' 'you need to do that', poking me every 5mins. I was poking him as I spoke and his eyes widened and I saw his patience fade dramatically. (He HATES being poked) I said 'that's exactly how I feel!!'...

Monkeymoo's picture
Joined: 08/15/04
Posts: 173

I wonder if it's possible to have the cooking equivilant of a black thumb? Everything I touch is turning to.....yuck, basically.
I baked a slice yesterday off the Pioneer Woman's website, so expected good things. Well, I don't even want to eat it!! I am considering trashing the whole pan of it.
Today I am doing a walnut and date slice, nice and healthy! I used to make it as a child and the whole family loved it. I'm not sure if this is the same recipe but it was handwritten in my Mum's cookbook, so again, high hopes. Making it though, it just looked different - really dry actually. It only called for butter and an egg so I was limited to what I could add more of, I just melted a bit more butter but it still didn't come together. It was really crumbly. I also didn't write down how long to cook it for. Sigh.
If this one doesn't turn out nice, I will be forced to cook my old fav, chocolate coconut slice. I have playgroup here tomorrow so I want *something* to serve. Also, I'm cutting out processed food for Z so need something to offer besides fruit.

Things are going so well with G and I. We're interacting so much better than we used to, and I feel differently about him. In a nice way! Smile I used to feel sad and angry when I thought about him before, now I feel loving and....nice thoughts.
I know we have work to do, but the work isn't so hard when we're both doing it.

I have a Mum's dinner next week, the same night as our session. I figured I could just turn up late and have dessert and a drink, keeps the cost down too. G suggested I cancel the session because getting a night out with new friends was more important, but I want to maintain my focus, and it's been 3 weeks already.

I went on a bit of a cooking spree and made Tuna Mornay PastaBake from scratch this morning. I put Gabe in his swing, threw some music on and danced around the kitchen. The dancing and miming into a spatula was entirely to keep Gabe amused. Honestly.
Sashi helped me make the slice. I know she is going to make a mess before I hand her the wooden spoon, but I do it anyway. She's a card.

Monkeymoo's picture
Joined: 08/15/04
Posts: 173

What a freaking awesome weekend!!!!

My slice turned out really nice, btw. I had the girls around on Friday morning. Phew, what a rush that was!! I had the house pretty clean and only needed to vacuum that morning. So I dropped Z off to school and had got everyone out of the car when I realised I had forgotten to give Z $5 for the Fathers Day stall. Crap. I was totally overwhelmed by the thought of dashing back to the school so did the vac'ing and went over my options. I eventually decided to go back and was thanking my lucky stars when I saw a Mum I knew in the carpark. I thought I could leave her to watch the kids in the car while I ran down. Well, the class had already gone to P.E and had done the stall already. Crap. It was going to take me longer to go find them and then take her to the stall, so with Gabe on my hip and dragging Sashi (who was complaining I was walking too fast) off we went. I ran into the teacher outside the gym and she said that she had told Z to buy something and I could just take the money up to the stall......'cause it's so easy lugging two kids around.... So that's what I did. On the way back to the car I felt as though I was walking through mud, I felt so weighed down by Gabe. He weighs 9kg now and I'm terribly unfit from my pregnancy, prolapse and surgery. It's been so long since I've been able to exercise!
Anyhoo, I got back home and everyone turned up 5mins later - so I felt lucky that I'd got back in time! We had a really lovely morning, and Bek stayed for lunch afterwards. She had set aside the whole day just for me, which was so nice. We talked mainly about real estate, seeing as we're both selling.

Friday night I had intended on having some wine and relaxing but I wasn't into the bottle G had bought me. We watched Babel which G complained about but I found beautifully crafted.
Saturday morning was the usual scramble to get the house ready, but we're getting so good at it now it doesn't seem so hard. I also did quite a bit of prep on the Friday so there wasn't as much to do. G went to Mum and Dad's while Z and I had some time alone. I was starving (didn't get brekkie) so we stopped at McD's and shared a snack. Then we took her bike to the park and I ran while she rode. We had a play on the swings and stuff before another ride. We got to a creek crossing and she said she was scared to go down the incline to cross, I decided to use it as a 'moment'. I told her that I understood she was scared, but that made it a challenge, and she'd be SO proud of herself when she achieved it. I promised her that I'd hold onto the bike and we took off. She was SO happy and proud, and asked to do it again!! We did it twice more and she had a ball.

I was feeling exhausted when we finally got back home and really wanted a nap. G said to wait until he'd made me a sandwich before laying down, which I did, but by then the moment had passed. I got up and went grocery shopping instead. The life of a Mum. Sigh.
I went out for my sister's birthday, the restaurant was nice, food was great and company, friendly and happy. We went to a nearby pub afterwards but the evening wound down whilst there. I was ready for bed by the time we got home.
Sunday involved another sleep-in, though not as much as G would have liked. Z was very excited about it being Father's Day, and G played along nicely, waking up when she came in to give him his present. I got up and did some shopping quickly, buying some belated presents for G. He got socks and jocks (what Dad doesn't?!) a fandangled new razor thing, and a new shirt. He was so pleased with everything, I'm glad I made the effort.

Our barkchip got delivered, after a mix-up with our order, and we spent the bulk of the day spreading it around. Sashi was happy to help and got a brush to dust off the garden edging. She was so fun to have around, asking to do more and telling odd little stories. She told me Andrew (BIL) was coming around to see the garden and that he'd be mad if it didn't look great. Oooookaaaaay.
It felt great to be out in the sun, on a pleasant day, doing some heavy work. I shoveled the bark into the wheelbarrow and G moved and tipped it, and I spread it. We were a great team, laughing and joking. I told him there was something sexy about him working.
I also had great fun trying to rile him up, it never works but hey, it's fun to try. "Damn, I'm a good shoveller" He gives me a look. "I SO shovel better than you do, dude" Another look. "It's hard being better than you" Uhuh. "I'm a much better man than you are" He drops the shovel and attacks me, laughing.
We have got our mojo back. We've been happy, light-hearted and playful - which is who we are. Together and apart, we're fun, happy people. And we can cut up a dancefloor!!
We like to randomly start throwing some dance moves into our day, and tunes are always groovy. G starts humming and I always pick the song. Opening cans of whup-a.ss is mandatory on boring days, I can kick his a.ss. Ok, I can't. But I try.

So a great weekend was had by all. The girls were knackered by last night and totally flaked on the couch while G cooked dinner. I was not far behind (and G admitted he was there too) but we kept up the focus on the kids, doing books and bedtime routine. I watched some TV but we were in bed early.
This morning I was up getting the morning started with gusto. I made breakfast burritos for everyone and packed Z's lunch. I said to G I could have used a bit more help, but I tried not to let it spoil the mood.
The only thing that has frustrated me today is the magical no-sleeping baby I have. He slept fine all weekend, but back to weekdays and he's been hellish to get to sleep. He's finally down now and I hope he sleep well. All i can think is that the school run throws him completely out of routine but there's sweet F.A I can do about that.
I'm enjoying the peace while I can though. Pity about my coffee but I'm totally used to not getting to drink a coffee before it's lukewarm anyway. I try my best to hold off until I am baby-free but with him being up and down for so long, it all got a little screwed.

We've had to cancel this week's session with Anne due to a video conference
that G has to be there for. It just means I can turn up on time for the Mum's dinner so I'm not too bothered. I do think we need this next session though. I got a little moody last night when I did the budget and the usual attitudes came up. We're supposed to have tried to talk about it so we go into the session with it basically sorted, but we haven't....it just goes south so quickly. Ah well, I'm not focusing on it because things are sooooo good right now. I've been so pleased with our progress.

Monkeymoo's picture
Joined: 08/15/04
Posts: 173

The cast of Characters......

Daddy and Zo

We got ourselves together enough to go and have lunch with G last week. This is the 3 of us on our way out the door....

There's nothing like a cold beer after some hard work.....and that teething is such hard work!!!

Gabe and his Grandy, on Father's Day

Oh, and the Infamous Cat.......

Her nemesis, Lola.

The Police, the peanut butter to the Cat's Jelly.....

Crazy Us

Monkeymoo's picture
Joined: 08/15/04
Posts: 173

I had an exhausting week so haven't had a chance to post. I've also started a blog elsewhere for family, so have been trying to keep up with that.

Soooooo, where to start?

I had a dinner last Wednesday with the school-mums which was a blast. I had a really great time, and feel as though it has really helped me fit in. Everyone has been so nice, I think I know everyone's names now!! Lol

I stayed at school with Zoe on Thursday morning, which was good for us. She cried a bit when I said I was leaving, which was a bit odd.

Friday, I stayed for devotion and then went to have coffee with a couple of the other Mums. We're planning on having a regular morning to catch up, so I'm looking forward to that. G was working from home that day so I came home and tidied a bit before another agent came around to discuss sellinbg the house. He didn't leave until 12pm, and I had to get Z at 2:30pm. We had a wee play and then I dropped the littlies off with G and took Z to a birthday party. It was really good, the kids were entertained while the Mums sat around talking. Another chance to get to know some different Mums. I then took Z to the art show and checked out her artwork. We were supposed to buy her painting but she got a bit over it so we came home.

I went shopping with Erin on Saturday morning to buy her a birthday pressie, but she was bit 'over it' as well so I ended up buying some new togs for the kids. I have Sasha booked into swimming lessons, starting this week so I needed some urgently.
Darren had a BBQ planned for Saturday night and we went around early so that when Gabe went down for the night, we could leave him until we were ready to leave.
We helped Darren prepare salads etc and had a few drinks. Everyone had arrived and food had been put out when this happened.....



The glass table simply disintegrated and everything ended up on the floor. The roast Lamb, potatoes, salads, wine.....everything.

The noise was astounding, it practically exploded. Afterwards it was silent, the shock was profound. Then Darren said 'So who wants pizza?'.....
It took us 30mins to clean it all up, sorting through the wreckage for things unbroken. No food could be saved due to the glass through everything. We all had another drink and enjoyed the rest of our unforgetable evening!!

Monkeymoo's picture
Joined: 08/15/04
Posts: 173

Oh my goodness, I can't believe it's been so long since I've posted!!

It's school holidays, which has been the source of much frustration for me! I love the easy start to my mornings, and not having to rush around at 2:30pm, but I hate the constant bickering from the kids.
The girls have been playing well at times, they play with their dolls together. I think there's a certain amount of bullying going on when they do play, Sasha seems to be ok with that for now though. That's most likely the source of the fighting when it does happen though.

Gabe is doing really well. We both got an awful cold a couple of weeks ago, which has been kicking my a.ss ever since. I was so ill that G had to stay at home for 3 days, which is very unlike me. I am usually able to soldier on, but not this one. Apparently it was the flu, and it was a shocker!
Poor Gabe got a cold (I hope it wasn't the flu I had because he would have been miserable) and had a runny nose and cough. I kept dosing him up just to let him drink his bottle, poor little man.

Things have been really great with G and I. We are joking around, DTD regularly, really seeing each other for the first time in a long time. We had to cancel our session again due to another work function of G's. There's another one next week which I'm looking forward to. It will be interesting to see if we're as solid as we seem.

I don't really have anything interesting to say - life has been rather boring. Being sick has taken a toll. I lost my voice yesterday and I still have this cough. Hopefully it won't be too long before it's gone and I feel great again!

Monkeymoo's picture
Joined: 08/15/04
Posts: 173

It's official, G is 38. We were laying in bed, it was 11:50pm and G said "I'm still 37, I have another 10mins of being 37!!". Poor man, getting old is so hard!!

The whole weekend was devoted to Garthy-time. He had a delicious sleep in on Saturday morning, whilst I cleaned the house in preparation for our Open House. He got up and prettied himself up for me and we dropped the kids off to Mum and Dad's. We then spent a wonderful 2.5 hours by ourselves, doing shopping and having lunch.

It's so nice having moments like that, to remind ourselves that we're more than just parents. We are fun, happy people - something we don't feel like all the time!!

The afternoon was chilled out, G played with the kids while I napped - oh no, I'm having Nanna-Naps!! Then the Fam started to arrive for G's birthday dinner. Mum and Erin cooked a FAB meal, we rejoiced that we got to eat it, and it didn't fall through the table. I took a picture as proof.

Sunday was a very relaxed day. I did some shopping with Tab and came back in time to let G go play 8 holes with The Boys. They spent a few hours having their glorified walk and then came back for a few more beers. All in all, a good weekend for the G-Man.

He told me many times that he had a great weekend, and I'm so glad. That's what birthdays are for!
Happy Birthday, Baby! I love you!!